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I.
It’s not easy for Yoongi, sometimes. He prides himself in being a smart man, maybe not as smart as Namjoon but he has his strengths, he’s seen some shit and he knows how to deal with shit. Then again, there are times when it’s not that easy.
This is one of those times. Namjoon is – there is no word that can come after this because he is a lot of things. His best friend. A person he has lived with for almost ten years now. A groupmate. A fellow musician, a lyricist, a leader, an inspiration. An empathic partner. The person he wants to wake up next to for a long time. He’s funny, mostly when you talk to him in private though since he’s in leader-mode whenever they are in public. He’s humble, generous, caring. And then again he can be the most irritating person that has ever set foot on this planet.
Right now, Yoongi would opt for the latter to describe him and now only has to choose between face palming or ripping out his hair in frustration. He settles on doing one first and then the other because that’s easier than talking right now. Or thinking. The bad t-word is especially not on the menu tonight since that’s what’s causing him all of this frustration that is definitely not good for his health. He’s sure he’s read about that somewhere.
For all of his intelligence, there is just one thing Namjoon does not understand and that’s how to spot the point at which you should stop thinking. Or at least stop overthinking things.
“Hyung, you … you need your hair, you should probably stop ripping it out … I – hyung?”
Yoongi looks up with a sigh.
“I need my hair? Like what purpose does it serve except for keeping my head warm? The exact same head you are obviously trying to get to explode today.”
“I … I don’t think we should talk about the purpose of hair now, hyung”, Namjoon says and he admittedly sounds at least a tiny bit more amused than he did five minutes ago. Yoongi wishes he would share that sentiment. They have discussed, very heatedly, and talked for a good part of the evening now and Yoongi is just tired.
“Well, at least there is something we can agree on tonight, Joon-ah.”
They sit in silence for a few breaths while Yoongi disentangles his fingers from the mess on top of his head. The pain from tugging at his hair had momentarily distracted him from the fact that Namjoon had been an insufferable heap of too much thinking today.
“Joon-ah”, he starts, trying his best to keep his voice steady and reassuring. “You think too much.”
“I know.”
“Joon-ah?”
“Yes, hyung?”
“You should stop thinking so much.” Well, this might not be the best of advice that he has given out in his 26 years of life so far but he’s trying, cut him some slack.
He’s expecting to hear a ‘Wow, thanks for the awesome advice, hyung’ as a reply, but is instead met with a weak, “And how exactly do I do that?”
Namjoon is not looking at him but he’s staring at the piece of thread that has come loose from his sock and that he has been picking on for the entirety of their conversation. His socks don’t match, one is blue with penguins and the other one is plain black. The penguin ones are socks from the fancy box Yoongi bought for his birthday two years ago and they never fail to make the both of them smile. He looks lost, curled up on the other side of the couch in Yoongi’s studio even though he spends as much time here as he does in his own. He still manages to look like he’s out of place because that’s what he feels like on the inside, that much Yoongi knows from their endless talks, the nights spent together in crammed dorm rooms or hotel suites or airplanes. Namjoon has told him how he sometimes feels lost, feels this urgent need to be found but knows that he is the only one who can actually achieve that, can’t wait for someone else to find him because he can’t make someone else responsible for his own happiness. Yoongi knows that because he listens. He could never not listen, because it’s Namjoon and he wants to know. He aches to know and understand.
Yoongi scoots forward in his desk chair until he is close enough to take Namjoon’s hand. It is warm as usual and Yoongi remembers wanting to write an entire song about how that is only possible because that’s just the warmth of Namjoon’s soul radiating through his body.
“Joon-ah, look at me, please.” The other one does, probably knowing that Yoongi didn’t ask for his own sake but because he knows how grounding eye contact can be for Namjoon.
“I don’t have an answer for that, Joon-ah. I can just tell you that I love your brain, it’s what made me fall for you, right after the dimples of course.” He is proud to see that this still coaxes a smile out of Namjoon even though he must have said the exact same thing a million times already.
“But sometimes, you should just find a button to turn it off, you know? Because it doesn’t always help to think about everything. You kind of build a wall of thoughts in front of you that prevents you from actually taking action, you know?”
They are properly holding hands now.
“I just want you to be happy, Joon-ah. I’ll be here for you and I’ll help you figure stuff out. Together, we can do anything, right?”
II.
It’s not easy for Namjoon, sometimes. They do tease each other, of course they do. They all do, it’s an inherent part of their dynamic and they all love it. And of course sometimes they tease on purpose, think about it and kind of plan it and there are times when they just make a good comment out of the blue because that’s how inspiration works.
And most of the time, it is all good and fun because they are too familiar with each other to not know that behind every teasing comment, there are layers and layers of fondness, respect and love.
Every rule has an exception though. And judging by the look Yoongi gave him when he turned and left the room, Namjoon’s most recent comment might be one of those. (And it doesn’t take him a lot of time to realize which sore spot he hit with his comment.)
He hates when that happens because he never knows what to say. Especially because every time this happens – now it sounds like it happens all the time, but, well, it doesn’t, just to make that clear – he blames himself for being such a moron, for not realizing that his comment would not reach the intended purpose. Of course he can’t predict every single thought that runs through the brain of another person but he should know Yoongi enough by now to know the patterns, to know the schemata his brain applies, to know what triggers him.
He follows Yoongi to their kitchen.
"Don't talk to me, Joon-ah."
"I'm - I'm sorry, hyung."
The other one doesn't even cast him a single glance. He takes out his favourite mug, puts it in the coffee machine. The sounds of the beans being ground, the sounds of the liquid being poured are the only noise in the room.
When the coffee is done, Yoongi takes the mug with both hands and walks out, passing him wordlessly. Namjoon sighs. At least they are past the stage where Yoongi would hide his hurt and instead let it all build up inside. During the past years, they have learned a lot about communication and Yoongi has learned to trust him with his feelings, good or bad. He shows it openly when he is angry or hurt and even though it leads to situations like these, with Namjoon desperately searching for words even though that’s not something he struggles with often, it means that they can talk about it. They can make things better, they can apologize, they can understand.
He takes his own favourite cup out and pours water in the kettle. He'll join Yoongi in the studio when his tea is done.
III.
It’s not easy for Namjoon, sometimes. Especially not lately, with the next comeback stressing him out immensely. He knows a lot of people would call him too much, would say he puts too much importance on it and overworks himself to an inhuman degree. (And maybe he sometimes does.)
But this is what he has to do because this is what he’s good at. This is what he can contribute to the team as their leader and one of the main lyricists and producers from their group. This is something he excels at, his empathy and his brain being put to good use. And when he hears the feedback, when he hears the members saying how proud they are to be singing such intricate, miraculous lyrics, when he hears the fans sing back the thoughts he went over and over and over again until they are as polished as a line on paper can get – it’s gratification enough.
But it would be really marvellous if he would not get stressed out at home, too. Yoongi is probably equally stressed, considering his involvement in the wedding preparations of his brother who decided to get married in the exact same week as their comeback, god bless. But still – they are both stressed and both tired and both worn out.
And Namjoon really doesn’t care who eats this last pizza slice, he just wants it to be gone so that he can put the plate into the dishwasher and go to bed finally. But no, Yoongi just has to insist –
“Eat it, Joon-ah. You didn’t really get lunch today anyway.”
Namjoon sighs. They’ve been at this for the past five hundred years, or at least that’s what it feels like. It’s probably just been like twenty seconds or so. The pizza slice is surely completely cold already. Namjoon looks at it and for a second he feels like the broccoli is staring right back at him.
“Hyung, I don’t want it, you can have it, I know how much you like the pizza from this restaurant.”
He could just eat it, he knows that, he knows. But this is a game of principles and he just this once, just this one time, doesn’t want to surrender to Yoongi’s pettiness. There’s not one other person he knows that can get as petty as Yoongi if he puts his mind to it. And the other one insisting so adamantly with this stupid pizza slice just makes him want to stuff the thing into the other’s face just to get this over with.
They stare at each other across the table. The broccoli stares as well.
He can hear the clock tick in the living room.
“Let’s put this in the fridge for tomorrow”, Yoongi says and stands up directly to put that thought into action. Namjoon sighs. So that makes none of them the winner, right? Since none of them can stand cold pizza in the morning anyways.
“What?” Yoongi turns to face him, hand with the plate still in the fridge. “You don’t like this idea?”
Namjoon sighs again.
“It’s okay, hyung, let’s just go to bed.”
IV.
It’s not easy for Namjoon, sometimes. Today is one of those days.
It had started out pretty great, actually, with him meeting his younger sister for breakfast. Geong-Min had just celebrated the three year anniversary with her boyfriend and told him all about it, making him feel incredibly old. This is his sister, his cute little sister and imagining her being an adult, doing adulty stuff and that – that was frankly a bit terrifying.
Well, after that he went shopping with Hoseok which was something they didn’t do often. Namjoon preferred to order his clothes online because browsing the stores was not his kind of thing. There were just too many items one could look at and the layout of the stores was sometimes confusing as heck, he did not need a repeat of that time he almost didn’t find the exit of that one clothing store in Gangnam. This time, he had wanted to meet Hoseok and the other had called at the last minute, asking if instead of getting coffee, he would be okay with looking around some shops because he needed to buy a present for a friend and didn’t have time to do that before.
So they had browsed two or three stores in which Namjoon managed to knock over at least one item per store. At least nothing broke this time, so he is happy about that. But then he couldn’t find his credit card and when he found it, he noticed that the fastening of his wallet was broken. Then another person in the hallway tripped and bumped into him, leading to him pouring a bit of his drink on his brand new cotton shoes. All those stupid, tiny things no one would get angry about happening in the span of literally five minutes was not great for his mood. But going home and realising that he had left his favourite cap in the taxi had him questioning his ability to perform like a functional human being.
Which brings him where he is now, in their apartment, staring at the mess in the living room. If he had walked in here with a smile on his face and the mood to match it, he would have probably just cleaned up the cups and snack wrappers Yoongi left during his I-need-a-change-of-scenery-so-I’m-writing-lyrics-in-the-living-room-hanging-upside-down-on-the-sofa-thing last night and still smiled. But today was just one of those days where he entered the apartment with a scowl and the mood to match exactly that.
He actually wants to sit down on that exact same couch and catch up on a series he had started watching recently but he doesn’t want to sit next to that mess on the coffee table. But there is no way in hell he will clean up Yoongi’s shit today, they might be partners, and pretty amazing ones at that but no, not today. Yoongi should get his pretty ass here and be an adult and freaking clean after himself!
“Hyung!!! Are you home?!”
V.
It’s not easy for Yoongi, sometimes. He is not a morning person, has never been and he is pretty sure that this is one of the stable things in life that will accompany him for as long as he walks this earth. So when he wakes up, it usually goes like this: he keeps his eyes closed for as long as possible, buries his head deep down into his pillow and blankets and ignores the world until his mood has changed from grumpy as fuck to slightly grumpy. This is exactly what he intends to do now as well. It's dark in the room, the curtains still drawn just the way he needs it. The blanket is warm and soft under his fingertips and it could be really nice if not –
There is someone in the kitchen.
Laughing.
Loudly.
And.
Then also talking. Loudly. Yoongi feels his body freeze up at the sounds. So this is probably what woke him up. People. Awful.
He recognizes the other voice then. Of course it would get loud when Jackson is here. He is also an early bird like Namjoon, one of the many things the two rappers have in common so it is not a rarity for them to meet up for breakfast.
But at fucking ass o'clock in the morning? Has Namjoon lost his mind?
Yoongi sits up and rubs his face. He hadn't been able to fall asleep for around two hours after he went to bed last night. Unfortunately, nothing unusual. He had just laid there, listening to Namjoon's snoring and trying to force down the whirlwind of thoughts in his brain. It was nothing special that had kept him up but that made it even more difficult to push those thoughts away and sleep.
He loves Jackson, he is a great friend. It's just that other people stress him out sometimes. Especially when he feels down, he needs their apartment to be quiet, to be his sanctuary. The other BTS members were a different story, they had lived together for so long that they would feel like home no matter who lived where. Although their own apartment he got with Namjoon a while ago does have its perks, he would never deny that.
Something clatters in the kitchen and makes him jolt. Oh, Namjoon will see what he gets for waking him up, he will march in there and tell them to be fucking quiet. As soon as he feels human enough to leave the blankets, that is.
He pats the nightstand in search for his phone. And then squints at the screen. Well. It's already past noon, so he can't really blame Namjoon, that's a reasonable time to have people over. Even if it's loud people. Laughing loudly. Urgh. He feels the anger leave him like air swooshing out of a balloon.
Yoongi flops back down on the bed. He can hear the coffee machine whirring now. Coffee would be nice though. But getting out of this bed? Naah.
Footsteps approach the corridor – yeah there are a lot of things Korean people can do, like make the best food in the world but insulation of buildings is really not a strong point of theirs. Jackson laughs and then he hears Namjoon say something. It sounds extremely like "Please be a bit more quiet, hyung's still sleeping" and that makes his insides go all warm and fuzzy. The footsteps pass the bedroom and retreat to their makeshift home studio.
Yoongi turns back around and buries his nose in their blanket. Namjoon may not be a perfect human being because people like that just don't exist but he is definitely close. Very close.
+ I.
It’s really easy for Namjoon, sometimes. The idea for this song had struck him a while ago and the first draft of the lyrics had been ready in half an hour or so. He then spent the past weeks perfecting the lines because that's exactly what they had to be, a perfect representation of his feelings. Compared to other songs he wrote for their group or his mixtapes, he spent an incredible amount of time contemplating single words, contemplating tiny bits and pieces where usually, he would have just went with his gut feeling from the beginning. His gut feeling is also very important in this process but it just takes a bit more – a bit more thought. This song should incorporate everything he feels and he is a brain person, he is an over-thinker so that should probably also find space in those lines.
Now, he knows it's ready. He has finished it.
Now he just needs Yoongi to hear it.
Namjoon jumps up, effectively taking half of the contents of his desk down with the motion but he doesn't bother picking it up and just strides out of their home studio and into the living room. Yoongi is exactly where he left him a couple of hours ago, cuddled up with his favourite fluffy blanket on the couch, documentary about some rare animals on the television. He glances at the screen for a second and sees a lot of blue. So another one about deep-sea animals. Yoongi looks up just as he arrives at the couch.
"What – what are you doing, Namjoon- ah?"
He can understand the confusion, he would probably be also very confused if the other came to him and wordlessly grabbed his arm to tug him into another room. But he just doesn't know what to say and is honestly afraid he'll blurt out some random words if he opens his mouth now. Or spoils the surprise or something, would not be the first time this happens. So he just tugs the other one to the studio and motions for him to sit down. Yoongi is frowning less now, having figured out that this is about music and probably thinking that his opinion is needed.
Namjoon clicks the play button.
He is a bit nervous but not much. Actually, he hopes that Yoongi knows everything he wants to tell already.
The three minutes and thirteen seconds pass in a blur and take forever at the same time. Yoongi smiles twice at parts Namjoon was expecting him to and his eyes go wide at a line Namjoon was very proud of because of the wordplay he came up with.
When the last note fades out, he finds himself unable to look at Yoongi – maybe he was more nervous than he had been willing to admit?
Before that thought can take hold in his brain, he feels Yoongi's hand on his cheek, tilting his head up so that their eyes can meet. The other one looks so – fond? Definitely happy, gummy smile all out. Namjoon feels his own face break into a smile as well.
"I love you, too, Joon-ah."