Work Text:
I
Leia felt it - knew the truth as surely as if she had been standing right there watching it happen. Her knees folded against her will and her eyes fluttered shut.
Han was gone. His sudden absence a gaping wound in her subconscious. And Ben was aching with loss and pain and so much anger. She trembled, scrabbling desperately for some way to center herself. By all the stars, Ben didn't, did he? This was not the time for sorrow or uncertainty. Soon. She promised herself. Just stand up and deal with what's in front of you. Leia took a deep, shuddering breath and pushed everything into an aching knot down at the bottom of her soul.
Around the room, everyone still moved as if nothing had changed. She heard a voice calling, "General. General? Are you okay?"
She felt herself nodding as she stood up and opened her eyes. There were still things to do today. People in this room who still needed her right now. She couldn’t help Han - not anymore.
II
Chewbacca passed Leia by, his long legs quickly eating up the distance towards the base. Finn had been injured, and Chewie was going to make sure he was treated promptly. He hadn't met Leia's eyes as he walked down the gangplank. She could feel his grief and his deep anger.
Rey stood in front of her, almost visibly quivering with fear. Contrition and sadness flowed off of her in waves. She opened her arms to the girl. Behind Rey, the bay doors of the Falcon seemed filled with shadows. Leia turned her back to the ship. She couldn't face that just yet.
III
Chewie found her a few hours later. He stood in front of her, silently waiting. Putting her datapad down on her desk, she finally met his eyes. “Let’s take a walk, shall we? Threepio – stay here and keep an eye on R2.”
“Of course, General.”
The fading sunlight cut through the trees outside the base, casting heavy columns of light and dark. She deliberately picked a direction that would take them away from the Falcon’s resting place.
“What happened, Chewie?”
<<Han and I separated so we could finish placing the charges. I came back out over the catwalk to see the two of them talking.>> Chewie paced a little away from her. <<Before I could get down there…. There was a lightsaber blade sticking out of Han’s back. And then… He - he fell. Down into the core.>> He was hesitating - what more could there possibly be?
<<And then I shot Ben.>> Chewie hug his head. <<Leia, I'm sorry I - I was too far away to save Han and in my anger I shot your son.>>
A bowcaster wound. Ben wasn’t dead - as closed off as he was, she could tell that much. But he was hurting terribly - both inside and out. “It’s okay.” Her little boy. And Chewie shot him. Nothing would ever be okay again. Not really.
“I forgive you. You love Ben just as much as we…” She made a fist along her leg and dug her nails into her palm as hard as she could. “... just as much as I do.”
Chewie made a mournful noise and grabbed her up in a hug. He had known Han longer than any of them.
IV
Leia rolled over again, still unable to sleep. She looked at the clock and sighed. She had been in bed for hours, tried every trick and meditation she could think of, and sleep still eluded her.
Over the years, Leia had sent Han off on so many dangerous tasks and he had always come back to her. But not this time. She had asked him to speak to Ben and it cost him his life. They could have just blown the shielding and escaped. They had done it before. But this time she sent him to his death. Her request had caused it. There was no body to bury, just as with everyone else she ever loved and lost.
Bail Organa's voice rang through her mind - "Face your troubles head on, little one. Do not run from them." In truth, Han had not been the only one running from their troubles. She had buried herself so deeply in the Republic's problems, she was usually too tired to think about anything else. Now all she had to keep her company was her regrets.
Reaching out, she turned on the light.
V
The moonlight hid most of the Falcon's scrapes. Gave her a faint glow. Leia knew it had changed hands at least three times in the years it had been missing. Despite its' battered appearance, it really was a good ship. It had certainly saved her life enough times, and the lives of many others. It was also locked up tight. It took her three tries to guess his code. Once upon a time it had been her birthday. Then their son's birthday. Now it was their anniversary. As the ramp started to descend, she felt a lump rising in her throat. She hit lights as she wound her way through to the cockpit.
It looked little different from what she remembered. If she closed her eyes, she could see Han, Chewie and Ben sitting in the chairs before her. Ben had always been an inquisitive boy, and wanted to know what every lever and button and light meant. He could sit for hours on Han's lap, watching the silvery gleam of hyperspace flowing around the ship.
She turned and fled down the corridor, the memories almost overwhelming her.
Leia wandered through the ship, feeling the ghosts of the past ripple around her. It felt like eons ago, and just days before, all at the same time. How was that even possible? The time they had spent on this ship... learning how to be a family (did they ever really get that right?), running from the Empire, trying to piece together the Republic. Han had always believed in her ability to lead, even when he questioned her choices. She figured out that she loved him on this ship. If her math was right, Ben was conceived on this ship as well. The time they had wasted - fighting with each other, fighting their feelings for each other. They fought even more once they got married, it seemed. Han could get under her skin like no other person she had ever known. And some days he reveled in that fact.
Han grumbled, he groused, he ran away. He was without a doubt the most infuriating being she had ever met, and she would miss him dreadfully for the rest of her days.
In his quarters, Leia found a tiny revolving holo. She activated the viewer, and watched their lives together play out. Three pictures came up most often - one of her in a very formal gown, hair up in an elaborate set of braids, jewelry glittering around her neck. Another of their family, Luke and Chewie smiling beside them. Finally one of her holding Ben, right after he was born.
Tears blurred everything else out. She felt the sobs building in her throat as she collapsed onto his bunk and started weeping in earnest.
VI
Hours later, Leia awoke. It all came back to her in a flash. She had cried herself to sleep in his bed. Surrounded by all she had left of him. She laid there for a moment, fingers curled into the blankets that still smelled like him. She took a deep breath and let it go. Time to move or she would never get up again. Leia stood up, and picked up the holo. Looking around, she grabbed a few more odds and ends. His blaster would have been on his hip when he fell. There wasn’t much here, really. He had always travelled lightly. There had always been a part of his subconscious that expected to run.
VII
"The Falcon's yours, if you want it. Han would have wanted you to have it."
For once, Chewie did not say a thing. He just grabbed her up in his arms for a hug. She felt his shoulders trembling.
And finally, <<We will find Luke.>>
"I know you will. I need him to come home."
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the end
thanks for reading
serafine
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"Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something."
- Wesley in The Princess Bride