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You shivered as Shigaraki’s rough lips dragged across your neck. You couldn’t suppress the scared whimper that left your mouth. He groaned. You stiffened in his lap. His hands gently rubbed your sides in an attempt to comfort you. It wasn’t working.
Your gaze focused on the large, bright TV that sat across the room. It just barely illuminated the dark room enough to show all the posters and clutter littered around the room. Video game posters from FPS or RPG games looked strange next to cutesy anime posters. While you had a lot of similar interests and liked a lot of the same games, you still had your girly interests. You never expected that your captor would agree to hang up posters of your favorite things in his room.
You were playing your favorite game. It wasn’t multiplayer, but Shigaraki assured you that he had just as much fun watching you play as when he joined you. At least then he wouldn’t mess with your concentration by cuddling and kissing your skin at the most inopportune moments. You could swear he did that on purpose to mess with you.
He kissed your cheek. “I’m wearing the gloves…” He muttered.
You knew that. That wasn’t what scared you. You did your best to relax. It wasn’t good to make him angry. The thought of angering him scared you more, however, and an impatient sigh tickled your neck.
You shuddered again. “Y/N…” He spoke softly. You should have responded, but your voice wouldn’t cooperate.
“Why are you scared?” his breath tickled your ear and his voice made your skin erupt in goosebumps, like it often did. Especially when he spoke right into your ear like that.
“I-I’m not scared! I want it! I want you,” you spat as quickly as you could.
“Sweetheart, be honest with me.”
Your shoulders tensed up even more. You hadn’t thought it possible. He rarely used pet names with you. He said he loved your name too much not to use it. So, whenever he called you something endearing, it had the opposite effect of what was intended.
“I’m being ho-”
“Stop.” he spoke only slightly louder than before, but the commanding tone in his voice made you jolt as if he had been shouting. “I… I love when you say those things. I really do. But I want you to mean them. The lip service isn’t enough anymore.
Y/N. I love you. I know you don’t believe me, but it’s true. I want you to be happy. I know I can get… scary… when I’m angry. But I promise I won’t be angry with you if you’re honest with me. Even if I don’t like what you’re saying.”
He knew. He’d known for a while. How long? He was just playing along? What were you going to do if lying wasn’t working anymore? What was he going to do? He had to be kidding. There was no way he wouldn’t decay you on the spot if you truly spoke your mind.
“That’s not true,” you whispered. Your hand shot up to cover your mouth. You didn’t mean to say that out loud.
Shit shit shit shi-
His head lowered onto your shoulder as he nuzzled into your neck. His arms wrapped around your waist in a firm, but not suffocating hug. “I mean it. You’ve been doing your best to be good for me. I know you’re not trying to defy me, so I won’t get angry. If something’s wrong… I need to know. I need to fix it.”
The only way to fix it is to let me go.
“I don’t want to let you go…”
Is he a fucking mind reader? Did All For One give him a telepathic quirk at some point?
“We’re perfect for each other. I know you’ll see it too someday. Then you won’t want to leave anymore.”
“Fat chance…”
He chuckled. The vibrations of his voice rumbled against your back.
“Brat.” He teased. It wasn’t in the infuriated tone he had used in the past when saying it. It was… playful. He was so confident in the two of you being right for each other that your defiance didn’t enrage him anymore. It still bothered him, sure, but your presence was so calming, so comforting, that he couldn’t bring himself to be mad at you anymore. He knew things would be perfect eventually, so he didn’t panic when there were a few bumps in the road.
When you hadn’t stopped resisting after the first week, Sensei had told him to be patient with you. You were scared. He could understand that feeling. Even though he would yell or throw things, decay whatever was in his hand when he was angry, he made sure to never once touch you. He needed to show you there was nothing to be afraid of. Your heart was strong, and you wouldn’t break easily. You wouldn’t let him into your heart out of desperation or exhaustion. It had to be genuine. It was frustrating, but it made him love you even more. Your body might have been weak, but your mind was strong.
It made it all the more meaningful when you actually started to respond when he talked to you. He was able to say things to you he would never let himself think of, let alone say to anyone else. Whether you liked it or not, even if it wasn’t reciprocated, you had a way of worming yourself into his heart and breaking down all of his barriers. Even when you weren’t trying. He answered all of your questions. He hadn’t even realized some of his own feelings until he had spoken them to you. He spoke of his parents, how alone and scared he was, his feelings of vulnerability, inferiority, all of it. How All For One took him in. The nightmares he had. His dreams for the future. All of his goals and hopes.
“But, don’t you essentially want the same thing as him? Why do you think he’s wrong about wanting to rebuild society? You said yourself you didn’t have any plans for how things should be after All Might is gone and people lose their faith in heroes. Are you sure you don’t hate him just because he stabbed you?”
He scoffed. He wanted to tell you that you were wrong. To shut up. But it was the first time you had spoken so freely to him. You never said more than a few words at a time. He didn’t want to ruin it. He shifted next to you on the bed.
“I…” It was that day when you first coaxed his true feelings out of his mind without him being able to stop it. It was three months, twelve days, and four hours after he had taken you.
“I think you might be jealous that he’s getting all the attention. I mean, I would be too if people ignored me for some asshole who stabbed me. But you have to look past that. You have to think about it without being blinded by your distaste for him. If you think about it, he’s actually helping you. Even if he didn’t plan on it. Didn’t you say two people already joined because of him?”
“Yes. It’s good for the League. And I hate it. I hate that he’s right. I hate that he’s stealing the spotlight. I’m jealous. I want to tear it all down; it’s what society deserves. I never cared to think much about what to do afterwards. I never considered it important. It’s not wrong to build it up again the way he wants to. And that makes it worse. It makes me angry. Makes me hate him more.”
…What did I just say?
His jaw stiffened. He didn’t want to admit those things to himself. Yet, here he was, telling you his innermost thoughts. He wanted to take it back. Blurt something out to make himself feel less embarrassed, less exposed. But he hesitated. You were staring off into space as you spoke before he could deny anything.
“Hmm, that makes sense. I mean, you’re the leader, but everyone kinda treats him like he’s more important. Even though he’s stuck in jail. He’s not doing all the planning, directing the missions. I can see why that would piss you off.”
He was so fucking glad he hadn’t said anything. You didn’t notice his bewildered gaze fixated on you. You were saying so much. You were seeing things his way. Even if you didn’t agree with his goals, you were trying to understand him. He cherished every word you spoke. He promised himself never to lie to you. Never to stop you from saying how you really felt. Even if it was embarrassing or frustrating.
That’s why he didn’t call you out when he you started saying what he wanted to hear just to placate him. His heart hurt knowing that you were lying, but the words he had been dying to hear sounded so amazing in your sweet voice. He pretended not to know. He let himself enjoy the fantasy. You’d mean it someday. You’d realize it someday. If he confronted you, you’d be scared again. He didn’t want to ruin it.
But he couldn’t take it anymore. It had been months of you lying. You had built trust with each other. Even if you didn’t mean the affectionate praises and declarations of love for him, here and there you let your true feelings spill. Usually about anything except him. Even if it was something insignificant, like how you didn’t like a particular snack he bought for you. He relished in your honesty and thanked you for it. He was able to get you things you actually liked once you were willing to tell him. He was able to play games with you that you genuinely enjoyed. To banter with you and joke around. It was so perfect. There was just that one little problem plaguing his mind. He wanted you to mean everything you said. Even the things about him. Even if you hated him. Or disliked him. Or wanted to go home. He wanted to know.
It had been six months, two weeks, and three days since he’d taken you. He felt he had given you enough time to realize he would never hurt you. He shifted you in his lap and gently cupped your cheek, directing you to look at him.
“I love you. You know that, right? I’d never hurt you. I want to know how you really feel. I promise I won’t get angry. Even if you say you hate me.”
He had to choke back a sob that suddenly rose up his throat. The mere idea of you hating him, even after all you had shared together, was too much for him to handle. But he had to be strong. He had to know. Even if it killed him inside.
“I don’t hate you,” you spoke softly. He could see in your eyes you were telling the truth. This time, tears of happiness were what he had to hold back. “I just…” you looked away from him. Down at the bed. He hated when your eyes weren’t on him. Especially when he was talking to you. But he knew it could be intense. He didn’t want to pressure you. So he softly caressed your cheek as you spoke, “I’m never going to stop missing my home. I’m never going to stop missing my family, no matter how much I like it here.”
His breath caught in his throat. You liked it here? He wanted to pounce you and drown you in kisses. But he didn’t. You weren’t done talking. Your voice was precious. Your thoughts were precious. Your honest thoughts were the most precious of all. He exhaled as quietly as he could. He didn’t want to disturb you or derail your train of thought.
You took a deep breath and continued. “I’ve started liking… Well, I have fun with you. I’m never going to agree with hurting innocent people, but I can see where you’re coming from. And it scares me. I shouldn’t be able to understand. But I do. At least a little bit.”
You decided to trust him. He had shared so many feelings with you, so many things you knew weren’t easy for him to admit. You owed him this. “To really let you in… into my heart, I mean…”
God, this sounds so cheesy!
But you didn’t know how else to say it.
“It’s intimidating! It’s fucking terrifying! I… You… If things had been different, I could see us working. There’s so many times I’ve thought you’d make the perfect boyfriend…” Tears of euphoria spilled onto his cheeks. You were still looking down. He kept his breathing as steady as possible. He never wanted you to stop talking.
“But you’re a villain! You hurt people! I can never be okay with that… if it does mean things will be better in the end for everyone, I could maybe forgive it, but I don’t even know if things will work out that way!” You were stifling your own sobs now.
“Sometimes I think, why not? Why don’t I just let you in? It feels so nice when you hold me… I never have to worry about weirding you out with all my stupid thoughts and opinions like I do with my classmates and most of my friends. I can just be myself. But…” The sobs were making it difficult to speak. You leaned your head against his chest.
“Would I be a bad person if I loved you? After what you went through, can I blame you for being angry? For hating everyone? But it still doesn’t make it right… You…” He was rubbing gentle circled on your back. You could hear his heart hammering in his chest. You could feel that he was sobbing, too. He’d never cried in front of you before. You’d caught a glimpse of a few stray tears here and there after some heavy conversations, but he’d always turned away to compose himself. He was letting you see it this time. He didn’t push you away. He was at his weakest.
Does he really love me? Does he really love me that much?
“But, If I give in… It’s going to hurt even more. When you get bored. If I do get out of here and go back home… I won’t be able to be happy. And then you’ll find another toy. Someone more obedient. Someone more open. And it would hurt. Maybe you’d come after me. I’d be scared. I want to be with my family. I would be scared if you hunted me down. But, I’d be hurt if you didn’t. I’d be hurt if you gave up. Forgot about me.”
“If” I get out of here? What am I saying! I can’t give up hope. I miss everyone...
“Y/N…” He shakily whispered your name. “Do you really think I’d ever stop loving you? I’d die before I forgot about you. And even then, I would still want you. You can be so stupid sometimes.” He couldn’t help the slight giggle in his voice. He didn’t want to seem demeaning, but what you were saying was so unthinkable that it was amusing. “I love you. I love you. Everything about you. I want to make you happy.”
“But I don’t even know what will make me happy! Either way, I’ll still- ” You couldn’t speak through your cries anymore. Tomura held you closer. He kissed your cheek and you felt the hot tears running down his face and the snot oozing from his nose. But you didn’t care. You were just as much of a mess. For a while, the two of you just sat there. Holding each other and crying.
“It’s the same for me. I want to make you happy, but I don’t want to let you go. Either way…” He was the first to speak. His voice was hushed, gentle. “I can ask Sensei. I’ll find a way. Maybe you can see them. You can’t leave, but maybe you can visit. We’d have to make sure they don’t go to the cops. They can’t tell anyone.”
You looked up at him in shock. “To-Tomu…” You had to wipe the snot from your face and rub the tears that clung to your eyelashes. “You’d… You’d do that? For me? It’d be so risky. What if they got heroes involved? What if…” Your eyes lowered. It was tough to say it. Even though you knew you shouldn’t, you just hated the thought of it. “What if I didn’t come back?”
You whispered so quietly that Tomura had to lean in to hear you. To your surprise, he smiled and stroked your hair. “Don’t worry. We’ll arrange things beforehand so they know not to cross us. And, when it comes to you…” You locked eyes with him. It was tough not to close them in contentedness when he stroked your cheek so tenderly.
“I trust you.”