Chapter Text
Derek’s time in London was almost up, and he knew that if he didn’t get the nerve up to say it now, he never would. Tonight would be his last chance.
Derek Morgan wasn’t sure when exactly he had known he’d fallen in love with Emily Prentiss. The attraction had always been there, certainly he had felt that spark when they had bonded over Vonnegut not long after Prentiss had joined the team and he had tried in little ways to impress her since then. He had honestly almost fallen over when Emily had come to him after he had almost gotten blown up in New York, had admitted that she had felt drawn towards him as well.
“Alright, let’s face it.” She said. “There’s been like this crazy sexual tension between us for a while, and considering you almost just died, I feel like we’d kind of be kicking ourselves in the afterlife if neither of us did anything about it.”
Derek cocked an eyebrow. “You asking me out, Prentiss?” He teased. “I mean, I’m flattered but you might want to work on your flirting a bit.”
“Morgan.” She laughed. “You and I both know that us dating would be a disaster. No. I’m just suggesting that we act on our more primal instincts.”
“So, what?” Derek shrugged. “Like a friends with benefits type of deal?”
“Pretty much.” Emily said. “Unless you’re too worried about developing feelings for me.”
That made him laugh. “Trust me, princess.” He said. “If anyone needs to worry about catching feelings, it’s you. I’m good.”
They had started having sex together that night and had carried on for the next almost three years, sometimes for three or four nights a week. Derek always wore a condom, despite the fact that Emily was on birth control and despite the fact that Emily was maybe the only woman he’d been with that he trusted enough to go without, she had insisted.
“It’s not that I don’t trust you.” She said. “Just...bad experience, you know.”
Derek tilted his head. “Wanna talk about it?”
Emily smiled sadly. “Not really.” She said. “I just would really feel a lot better if we had all our bases covered.”
Derek had shrugged it off in front of her, but his stomach churned at the implications. Still, Derek knew from experience that there were some secrets that you just didn’t want to tell anyone. He left it alone. The beauty of their arrangement meant that nothing had changed between them except now they were both regularly getting laid. When Mick Rawson entered the picture, Derek had felt the first twinges of jealousy, though he would never have admitted as much to Emily. Still, she had picked up on it anyway.
“I’m not going to call him.” She said.
Derek shrugged. “What’s that got to do with me?” He asked. “You have as much right to put a stop to this and move on as I do.”
“Derek.” Emily sighed. “I don’t want to, okay? And I don’t think Mick would take kindly to us seeing each other like this, so that’s that.”
“He does seem like the possessive type.” Derek chuckled. “You could do better, anyway.”
Emily blinked. “Yeah?” She said, smiling. “You think so?”
“Yeah.” He said, smiling back. “I do.”
Things had changed between them subtly. The sex was still hot, but more often Derek found himself staying after, Emily would put on whatever dorky movie or tv show caught her eye, and they would order takeout or pizza. Sometimes, he’d stay over, and he probably should have been concerned with how nice it felt to wrap his arms around her as they fell asleep, but Derek just chalked it up to Emily being one of the only people he felt safe with. He knew she felt the same.
The jealousy and anger and confusion had reared its ugly head again when Ian Doyle had reared his ugly head, and the truth about Emily’s past came out. There was no good explanation for the betrayal Derek felt, he knew that. He was acting like a jealous lover. Rossi said as much when he called Derek on it.
“What’s with you, Morgan?” Rossi asked. “I get that this is a shock, I don’t like it either, but this seems like more.”
“You wouldn’t get it.” Derek replied. “She could have trusted me and she didn’t. How do we know that she hasn’t been playing us this whole time?”
“Playing us?” Rossi said. “Or playing you?”
When Derek didn’t answer, Rossi smirked, taking it as confirmation of his suspicions.
“How long have you been sleeping with her?”
“Rossi, come on.” Derek said. “It’s not like that.”
Rossi raised his eyebrows. “It’s not?” He said. “Because I can’t really think of another reason why you would be this upset about all of this.”
“Three years.” Derek sighed. “It wasn’t...it wasn’t like that, we were just two friends blowing off steam. But come on, Dave. She trusted me enough to share a bed with me but she couldn’t tell me this?”
“Sounds like it was more than you want to admit.” The older man commented. “When we find him and get Prentiss back, you should tell her.”
“What am I supposed to say?” Derek said, clearly exasperated. “Hey, the last three years have been fun but hearing you screwed a terrorist for a profile made me realize that I want more? Come on, Prentiss would laugh in my face and I wouldn’t blame her.”
“Don’t be so sure.” Rossi smirked. “I’ve seen the way she looks at you, you know. When she thinks no one is paying attention. Emily might surprise you yet.”
In the end, it hadn’t mattered. Doyle had gotten away and Emily was dead. What had followed was the worst seven months of Derek Morgan’s life. Because that had been the moment that Derek had realized that he loved Emily, that night in the warehouse as he struggled to keep her awake, had begged her to stay alive. In that moment, Derek Morgan realized that he couldn’t imagine his life without her, and then suddenly he was without her. Forever. He remembered breaking down in Penelope’s apartment in the aftermath.
“I know.” Garcia had said soothingly. “I know, my chocolate thunder, but you know, Emily is watching over us, that’s what I tell myself, and I have to believe that’s true because it’s the only thing that helps.”
“I could have saved her.” He muttered, willing the tears away. Derek Morgan didn’t cry. “If I had just been there a minute sooner, she’d be here.”
“No.” She said. “No, don’t do that to yourself. There was nothing you could have done.”
“You don’t get it, Penelope!” Derek shouted. “I was right there! I watched her start to fade. I never even got to tell her…”
Garcia froze. “Tell her what?”
“Forget it.” He said. “It doesn’t matter now.”
“Oh…” Garcia sighed. “You loved her. That’s it, isn’t it? You, Derek Morgan, you loved Emily Prentiss.”
“I still love her.” Derek said quietly. “I don’t know, maybe I always will, for all the good it does me.”
“And you never told her?”
“No.” He sighed. “I never told her. Emily never knew and now, she never will…”
“Oh, she knew.” Garcia said, unable to mask the smile on her face. “She got this stupid grin every time she saw you. I think she loved you too, you know.”
“Maybe she did.” Derek shrugged. “Now I’ll never know…”
Then one October day, she reappeared like a ghost in the conference room. Alive, and more beautiful than Derek had remembered. Emily was right in front of him and though he was angry that her survival and need to go into hiding had been kept a secret, he couldn’t bring himself to be mad at her. He told her as much. Still, Derek couldn’t bring himself to tell Emily how he really felt about her, not with everything between them.
She hadn’t come to him right away. Somewhere in between his admission that he feared losing her again, the closest he could get to a confession of love, and her admission that she had actually died and there had been nothing waiting for her on the other side, she came to his hotel room, late at night.
“I know we haven’t really discussed…” Emily stammered. “If you don’t want to pick back up again, I’d understand, it’s just…”
Derek hadn’t said anything, just looked at her, waiting for Emily to complete her thought. She lifted her dark eyes to his, and she looked both ashamed yet ravenous at the same time, full of desire.
“I miss you.”
That had been all it took. He locked the door behind Emily and kissed her, hard. The clothes were off in seconds flat and as he led her to the bed, he realized that this felt like coming home.
Emily Prentiss was his home.
Derek fumbled for the pack of condoms he usually kept with him and cursed when he came up empty. He had stopped carrying them, hadn’t had a reason to.
“Emily, I…” He panted between kisses. “I don’t have...I forgot...I didn’t think to…”
“It’s okay.” She murmured, pushing him on the bed.
“We can stop.” He said, though he really didn’t want to. “I know how big you are on protection.”
“I don’t care, Derek.” Emily said. “I need you.”
That had given him pause. It wasn’t like Emily to be that reckless, not when it came to sex. Still, if there was anyone he wanted to feel bare…
“You still good?” He asked. “I don’t want to put you in a situation you’re not ready for…”
“I’m good.” She replied. “We’re good.”
That had been enough for Derek. When he pushed inside her, he felt complete. Judging by the way she gasped and moaned his name, Derek guessed she felt the same. They had gone at it late into the night, both of them coming multiple times, even coming together at one point, and they sank into the familiar routine, his arms wrapped around her after, hand on her abdomen, fingers trailing her stomach.
“I had an abortion when I was fifteen.” Emily blurted out. “I- it’s not something I’m proud of but I was a stupid kid and I wasn’t ready to be a mom…”
“Okay.” Derek said. “Is that why-?”
“Yeah.” She said. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before.”
Derek nodded. “I get it.” He said. “We’ve all got stuff we’d rather not talk about.”
“I know.” Emily sighed. “I just…I can’t get what you told me out of my head, that I need to trust people. I guess that’s what I’m trying to do now. I trust you, Derek.”
“I trust you too, Emily.” Derek said, swallowing the lump in his throat. “Maybe more than anyone else.”
Emily smiled at him, her brown eyes warm. “I’m glad.”
After that, they had sometimes used condoms, sometimes not. Mostly they didn’t worry about it. Still, Derek could feel Emily holding back, could feel her slowly pulling away from him, even as he felt himself falling a little more in love with her each day. When she told him that she was moving to London and going back to Interpol, he had felt crushed, like he was losing her all over again. But he had just smiled and told her that he would miss her. When he got the opportunity to go with her and Garcia to London, Derek had resigned himself to burying his feelings for her. It had been Garcia who had convinced him otherwise, after catching a rather tense exchange that had followed the morning after he had snuck out of Emily’s flat in the early morning light, smelling like her.
“Okay.” Garcia said. “You have to tell her!”
“What good would it do, Garcia?” Derek asked with a sigh. “Emily’s made her choice, her place is here now.”
“You could make it work!”
Derek gave her a pointed look. “Long distance never works out, babygirl.” He said. “You know that. And I can’t just drop everything to be in London with her. That’s even assuming she feels the same!”
“She does, I can tell!” Garcia said. “Come on, don’t tell me you haven’t noticed! The wistful glances, the staring and quickly looking away when you look back at her, Emily is into you!”
“It won’t end well.” He said.
“You don’t know that.” She pressed. “Anyway, don’t you think she deserves to know at least?”
“Why?” He asked. “So we can both miss what we never had? What could have been?”
“So at least you both know.” Garcia said. “So at least there’s not this huge secret between you guys, this unspoken thing no one ever talks about. Please?”
Derek sighed. “I’ll think about it.”
And think about it he had. Derek still wasn’t sure that telling Emily how he felt was the right thing to do, but Garcia had a point. At least if he told Emily and it came to nothing, he wouldn’t spend his whole life wondering. But if he was going to do it, it was now or never. They would be going back to the states soon. Emily joined him on the balcony of her new flat with a few overlooking the city. It was beautiful at night. She handed him a beer and opened one herself, taking a long drink before smiling at him.
“You look serious.” Emily said. “Brain working hard?”
Derek shook his head. “Nah.” He chuckled. “Just thinking. You know, it’s going to be weird going back without you. It still doesn’t feel real.”
“I know.” Emily said. “But hey, we’ll still talk. And I’m sure I’ll be back to visit, you could always come visit me...it’ll be like nothing’s changed.”
Derek didn’t reply and Emily’s smile faltered. Suddenly she seemed unsure. She cleared her throat.
“I’m gonna miss you too, you know.” She said. “And not just for that smokin’ hot body.”
Derek took a deep breath. “Emily, I need to tell you something.” He said, dark eyes serious.
“Uh-oh.” She teased. “Am I in trouble, Agent Morgan?”
“Come on.” He said with a grin that quickly faded. He swallowed hard, every speech he had practiced since that morning fading away. “I uh, this isn’t easy for me.”
Emily frowned. “Morgan.” She said. “What is it? Is it a girl? Because if it is, you’re better at the whole dating thing than I am.”
“It is a girl.” He said. “A woman. I don’t need you to talk, I just need you to listen, because I think I may be making the biggest mistake of my life.”
“Okay.” She nodded. “Tell me about her.”
“We’ve known each other for a while.” Derek said. “She is, god, she’s so smart, smarter than me, and she has this wicked sense of humor. She and I get together and we just laugh at the stupidest things. She’s great.”
Emily smiled. “Is she pretty?”
“She’s beautiful.” He replied. “Absolutely drop dead gorgeous, but she doesn’t see it. She has these big brown eyes, and dark hair, and these lips...when I kiss her, I feel whole, like she’s what I’ve been missing my entire life. When I’m with her, I don’t want to be anywhere else.”
“Derek Morgan.” Emily said. “If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you were in love.”
Derek chuckled. “I think I am.” He said. “That’s the problem. I’m in love with her.”
“Okay, now you’ve lost me.” She said. “If you love her then what’s the problem? I can’t imagine that she wouldn’t love you back.”
“You’d be surprised.” Derek said. “Nah, even if- even if she did, I don’t think we could be together.”
“Why not?”
Derek took a deep breath, steeling himself for what he knew came next. He forced himself to look Emily in the eye, though all he wanted was to avoid them.
“She got a new job.” He said. “In London.”
Emily gaped at him, her cheeks went pink and she looked away, blinking rapidly. After a long moment, she looked at Derek, tears shining in her brown eyes.
“That’s not fair, Derek.” She said, her voice low and angry. “That is not fair.”
His brow furrowed. “I’m sorry.” Derek said. “I didn’t mean to make you upset, or complicate things-“
“Then what did you mean?” Emily snapped. “Huh? You had three years to tell me and you wait until there’s nothing that either of us could do about it?”
“I didn’t know Emily.” He said. “Look, I’m not good at this either. You know my longest relationships usually end with the weekend. Okay? And I realized it when you were lying in that warehouse, I didn’t ask for this!”
“I didn’t ask for this either!” She said, swatting angrily at the tears rolling down her cheeks. “God, why would you even tell me that now ? You love me?”
“Emily…” He sighed.
“ Don’t Emily me !” She shouted. “Why would you tell me now, after all this time?”
“Because I didn’t want to regret never saying anything to you, Emily.” He said. “I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life wondering what would have happened if I had just manned up and told you. I guess now I have my answer, I’m sorry for messing things up between us. I hope you can forgive me.”
Emily stares at him for a moment, open-mouthed. Tears still streamed down her face and she was still furious, but there was shock and something else in her expression as well.
“You are an idiot, Derek Morgan.” She said. His head snapped up.
“I’m an idiot?” He asked, a mixture of hurt and confusion in his eyes. “Because I told you how I feel?”
“I’m not mad that you told me.” Emily said, throwing her hands up in exasperation. “I’m mad that you didn’t tell me sooner, when I could have told you that I love you back and it wouldn’t have made things worse !”
Derek blinked, not believing his ears. “You- you love me back?” He stammered.
“Of course I love you back!” She said. “I’ve loved you for years now! You were just too big of a dummy to notice it! God, I could strangle you, you big dumb motherfu-“
Emily was cut off by Derek’s mouth crashing against hers. It was hot, desperate, and needy, and she moaned as his tongue pushed past her parted lips to claim her mouth for his own. She was his, and if only for tonight, he was hers too.
“Tell me again.” Derek said between kisses. “Tell me you love me, princess.”
“I love you.” She breathed, not wanting her lips off of his for even a moment. “I love you. I love you. I’ve always loved you.”
“When?” He asked. “When did you know?”
“After San Francisco.” She said. “When I turned Mick Rawson down. I knew I could never screw him or date him because all I wanted was you. That’s when I knew for sure that I loved you.”
“Why didn’t you say anything?”
“I didn’t want to ruin what we had.” Emily laughed breathlessly. “I didn’t think you would want anything more than what we already had, and I didn’t want to stop, I thought if I couldn’t have you…”
“Oh, princess.” Derek sighed, running his thumb across her cheekbone. “And here I was spending years convincing myself that women like Emily Prentiss weren’t interested in guys like Derek Morgan.”
“I was always interested in you.” She said. “Even before I loved you, you were the one I wanted, Derek. God, you really couldn’t see that?”
“I found excuses not to.” He said. “You’re unlike any woman I’ve ever been with, Emily. I think I was worried that you’d be the one to break my heart for a change.”
Emily laughed and pressed her forehead to his.
“What are we gonna do?” She said. “I can’t leave and you can’t stay, but I don’t...I don’t want this to end. Not when it never had a chance to begin.”
“We could always try it long distance.” Derek said. “I know I’ve never been a big believer in it but, Emily, I lost you once already, I don’t want to let you walk out of my life again. Not if I don’t have to.”
Emily considered for a moment, chewing her bottom lip. “You know this is crazy, right?”
“Oh, totally.” He agreed. “And if it were anyone else, I wouldn’t even suggest it, but I don’t want anyone else, Emily Prentiss. I want you. I love you.”
She smiled, dazzling and in love. “Okay.” She said. “Okay, let’s try it. And if it doesn’t work, no hard feelings, I don’t want to lose you either, and I definitely don’t want anyone else.”
“Good.” Derek said with a grin. “You gonna break my heart, Prentiss?”
Emily grinned back. “Never.”
That night they came up with a plan. Phone calls as much as possible, Skype calls every weekend. Emily would come to him for Thanksgiving, and Derek would spend Christmas in London with her. It was scary and exciting all at once, but that night as he held Emily in his arms, her lips pressed to his neck, he thought maybe, just maybe, it might work.