Chapter Text
HENNET: Hey everyone, and welcome to my new talk show, "Sorcerer? I Barely Know 'Er!" The title is a work in progress, but the important thing is, it's me, Hennet, the iconic sorcerer from D&D 3rd Edition! That's right, we're here in front of a live studio audience, and we're gonna make some magic!
[Applause]
HENNET: Thank you, thank you, all right, calm down folks. Save some of it for this week's guest! That's right, our guest tonight is none other than...my spellbook-wielding counterpart, the iconic wizard, Mialee? She's our first guest, huh? Was she all we could get? But she's so...ugh, fine, whatever. Give it up for Mialee, everyone!
[MIALEE walks onstage, waving.]
[Applause]
HENNET: Thanks for coming tonight, Mialee.
MIALEE: Of course. I'm always happy to share my extensive arcane knowledge.
HENNET: And we're happy to have you! Let's dig right in, shall we? First question, what's your favorite spell? You have so many, after all. One might even say too many. Way more than you need.
MIALEE: Oh, I wouldn't say that. Every spell has its own niche application. A wizard's prerogative is to carefully peruse her spellbook and choose the perfect spell for every slot. In fact, I would say I treasure all of my spells equally, for even though some are more efficient than others, the true value is in having infinite arcane variety at my fingertips. That's why I always prepare a spreadsheet to sort and categorize all my spells by level, school, function, and average weighted probability of being useful in a typical adventuring day.
HENNET: How incredibly boring! Next question! Do you ever feel jealous that sorcerers get their magical powers with practically no effort required, while you had to study for years and years and constantly work hard to be a wizard?
MIALEE: Absolutely not. While sorcerers may not have to properly work for their magic as wizards do, we wizards make up for it by being better at magic. No offense, of course!
[HENNET grits teeth]
HENNET: None taken.
MIALEE: In magic, you get what you pay for, as I always say. Magic that comes easy is invariably less powerful than magic that you toil and study to earn. And that bears out in the mechanics—it's why I'm ranked in a higher tier than you are.
HENNET: I have better abs than you, though.
MIALEE: Do you? I couldn't tell under that ridiculous buckled cummerbund you always wear instead of a shirt. But if that is true, I still prefer phenomenal cosmic power to mere physical fitness.
HENNET: Next question, what is it like being such a complete nerd with no social life?
MIALEE: Oh, it's great! Charisma is by far the weakest stat in this edition, so being able to dump it feels wonderful. With Intelligence as my primary stat, I have more skill points to put into various Knowledge skills. For example, did you know that there's an evil sentient moon named Atropus that wanders through space, causing zombie apocalypses whenever it orbits a planet? What am I saying, of course you don't know, you don't have that knowledge skill on your class skill list, ha ha! Oh, and speaking of things you don't know, in your opening line, you probably meant to say "It is I," not "It is me." Grammar, Hennet.
[HENNET grits teeth even harder]
MIALEE: You shouldn't grind your teeth like that, you know. It's unhealthy.
HENNET: One last question! How much xp would you lose if I strangled your familiar right here on camera?
MIALEE: Don't be silly, Hennet! I don't have a familiar! I exchanged it for the immediate magic variant from Player's Handbook II. Are you just jealous that I'm superior to you in every way?
HENNET: She's like this all the time, folks!
[Laughter]
MIALEE: It's not my fault wizards are the most powerful class in the game.
HENNET: Ha ha! You don't know how badly I want to Scorching Ray your face right now!
MIALEE: This edition doesn't have called shots, so you can't target a particular part of someone's body with your spells. Also, it sounded like you pronounced that with capital letters. Spell names should be properly styled in italics. You do know how to write, don't you?
HENNET: [rolls up sleeves] Okay, that's it, we're going to commercial!
[Applause, camera fades out]