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Dean slowly flexed his fingers around his glass, staring into it, willing it to provide him with some courage for the coming conversation.
He and Cas were still sitting at the kitchen table, Sam having excused himself to bed a few minutes before.
Glancing up, he found Cas watching him, brow furrowed.
“I, uh” he stopped to clear his throat. Cool, solid start. “I’m really glad it didn't work out tonight.”
Cas just waited, he was good about that, always giving Dean the time and space to figure out how to say what he wanted to.
Dean tilted his head back to drain his glass, hands shaking slightly as he refilled it one more time. If Cas noticed, he didn't mention it.
“I couldn't have put you in that box man.” He probably should be embarrassed by the shake in his voice, but he was just too damn tired to care. He ran his hand down his face and let out a deep exhale before continuing.
“That would have killed me man, I-“ he fidgeted, uncomfortable with talking about this, but needing to - wanting to - all the same. “I- when you died, the day Jack was born - I couldn't-”
And god dammit he was crying.
“It fucked me up, man. And then today - I - I was so scared that I was about to lose you again. ”
Cas reached across the table then, slowly pulling Dean’s hand away from his glass and squeezing it.
They stayed like that for a moment, before Cas released him and stood up. He gripped Dean’s shoulder and then crossed the room, retrieving a second whiskey glass, before returning to his seat and motioning for Dean to pour him some.
Dean obliged and Cas took a long slow drink. They lapsed into a comfortable silence, both absorbed in their own thoughts.
“I was planning to go with you, you know.”
When Dean didn't immediately respond, Cas took another drink.
“When your plan was to hurl yourself into the ocean. I was going to find a way, to sneak into that box with you. I knew I couldn't stop you - because Dean Winchester, you are the most stubborn creature I have ever encountered in a very long life-“
Dean gave a half laugh at that, shaking his head in disbelief. “Coming from you.”
“-so I decided that if I couldn't stop you, I would go with you. So that perhaps I could offer some kind of comfort - so at least you wouldn't be alone.”
Cas’s voice wavered, and Dean’s heart broke. This time he was the one reaching, holding on to Cas’s hand like it was a lifeline.
“And, I know that it was primarily a selfish plan, but I couldn't bear the thought of losing you either. No matter what the cost may have been.”
Dean laughed bitterly and took another drink, draining the glass once again. “I don't deserve you man. I’ve been such an ass lately, and you don't deserve that Cas. You deserve way better than me.”
Cas was quiet for a long moment, as he seemed to consider what to say.
“You're a good man Dean. The circumstances we find ourselves in - they are trying. I understand. Your prayer earlier, I -“ he paused, squeezing Dean’s hand. “I forgive you, and I am also sorry.”
Cas let him go, and Dean distractedly rotates the empty glass between his hands, lost in thought for a moment.
A montage of long soulful stares, near misses, and grand sacrifices cycled through his mind. Cas bleeding out in a barn in the middle of nowhere, desperately telling him to run, telling him - looking him in the eyes and saying I love you - and then the look on his face when Dean hadn't replied, had just stared at him in horror like an idiot. Cas walking into that river, not following him out of purgatory, saying yes to Lucifer, giving up a fucking army, offering to go with him on the soul bomb suicide mission, planning to spend eternity with him in a box at the bottom of the god damn ocean.
It was too much, and he didn't deserve any of it.
“You've done a lot of stupid shit on my account.” He spun the glass again. “And I - well - shit ” He ran a hand over his face, gearing himself up to force more words out. “I just - thank you. I don’t deserve it, and you're - I just -“
“I believe the expression is people will do crazy things for love.” Cas replies non chalantly, like it was really that easy a thing to say, so simple, like it didn't take Dean’s breath away to hear.
Dean finally looked up into Cas’s eyes, and got lost in blue blue blue.
He swallowed deeply, and then rolled the hand closest to Cas over to bump their knuckles together lightly.
“I love you too, you know.”
Cas looked surprised for only a moment, before he seemed to be unable to resist the soft smile that overtook his face. His eyes crinkled at the corners, and Dean’s heart flipped in his chest.
“And I always have man. At least, for a long ass time. Probably - shit, I think it was in purgatory that I realized it. The first time I mean. But then we - we got separated and then - It was just one thing after another - and I, fuck I - I was scared. I was always too fucking scared to say anything. And then the world kept trying to end and I- ”
Cas gave him a sad smile. “The time has never been right for us has it?”
Dean laughed bitterly. “-and right now sure as shit ain’t a great time either. I don't know if we win this one, Cas, I really don't. And I'm still scared, fucking terrified man. But we’ve had enough close calls that I can't risk it anymore. I thought I was going to lose you again today, and I kept going over our last conversation and it killed me. It was so fucking unfair that after everything... after everything we’ve been through together I was going to just lose you and never get the chance to apologize. So just in case I'm telling you now. Whatever happens next, I just need you to know that I do - I love you man, so fucking much - it's too much sometimes. But - I - ...and you sure as shit deserve a lot better. I'm a fucking mess and everything around me goes to shit but I want to fight for you. If you'll let me.”
Cas stood then, pulling Dean into his arms. They stood there for a long while, Dean pushing his face into the crook of Cas’s neck, struggling to keep from breaking down.
“I’m gonna do better.” He whispers into his shoulder. “I promise.”
Cas leaned back but didn't step away. He had tears in his eyes, but he was still smiling through them. When one rolled down his cheek, Dean wiped it away with a thumb, and gently cradled his face while they stared into each other's eyes.
They stood there for a minute (an hour? A lifetime?) before Cas placed his hand over top of Dean’s on his cheek and spoke, his voice barely above a whisper.
“I'd like to kiss you now, if that's ok.”
Dean laughed softly. Fucking Cas, he sounded so calm, while Dean - he felt like he was getting ready to dive off a cliff. And fuck, it was scary, but he knew that Cas would catch him if he took the leap.
And so he did.