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Aziraphale had become quite accustomed to sleeping. He slept most nights for long hours. Peacefully, warm and comfortable, huddled down in bed with Crowley. Someone is holding the other, depending on the night and how things naturally play out as they situate themselves in bed. Or, they hold on to one another. This is how they most often wake up; haphazardly tangled and just as happy as they would be if they had carefully arranged themselves in a more particular way.
But not tonight. Tonight, he's awake, staring at the ceiling. Thinking. Worrying. Feeling guilty, and sad. He's going over it, again and again; all of it. All the years, the centuries of rejections. For their own safety, yes; but rejections, nonetheless. It kills him, just as it always had. But it hurts more now, with Crowley so close. With the new, recent depths of vulnerability they've reached together, and the knowledge of just how deep, just how real Crowley's love is for him. It kills him.
And he doesn't know what to do about it; because he's apologized, so many times in so many ways. He's said all the things he wants to say, can think to say. All of the "I never actually wanted to push you away, you know,"s, and the "It hurt me to have to do it,"s and the "How can I make it right now?"s. And Crowley insists, truthfully, and from the bottom of his heart that he doesn't need to. There's nothing to be done, there's nothing wrong. It hurt, but he knew all along. He's just happy to have him here, now. But that's not enough for Aziraphale. He wants to do something; not because he thinks he should, or because he doesn't take Crowley for his word. He wants to do something because it still hurts him. It hurts to remember those times; hurts to have been the one to keep them safe. He was always the strong one, always the one to break both their hearts. It wasn't just Crowley he denied- it was himself.
And now he has the chance to make it right.
It hits him suddenly, and he knows what he wants to do. He inhales in excitement, shooting out of bed and tossing the covers back. He crawls over to Crowley, kissing his shoulder gently and stroking through his wild hair. "Love? Wake up, Crowley."
"Mmm? Angel...waswrong?"
"Crowley...let's run away together."
"Hm...what!?"
Crowley sits up, scrubbing tired hands at his face and pushing his hair back.
"Angel, what? Is something wrong?"
"No, no my love! Everything's fine, really. I....I was just thinking. About all of those times when I had to say no."
There is a long pause, as Aziraphale considers that awful feeling. Crowley relives it with him, taking his hand and kissing it softly. Just to reassure him; there's no animosity here. Nothing but love, and relief.
"I know you say it's alright. But it isn't...not with me. I want to do this. I want to say yes to something, for once. For myself, if you really don't need it."
"Well then, I'd say we'd better do it."
"Run away with me. Let's go somewhere, tonight. Let's do what we would have done, should have done...when you asked me before."
"You don't wanna go to Alpha Centauri, do you?"
"No...we could, but I had somewhere else in mind. If you're amenable?"
"Anywhere. Wherever you want, dove. Name it, and we'll go."
"Let's go to the beach. I want to see the ocean. I want to pack the essentials, get in the car and drive. And not stop until we run out of road."
"I think I know just the place."
Crowley leans across the pillows, taking Aziraphale's chin in hand and kissing him softly. He rests his forehead against Aziraphale's, breathing softly and smiling.
"Alright, angel. Let's go."
“Really? You’ll go?”
“Of course, sweetheart. Why wouldn’t I?”
“Well, I thought you may have found it silly. Unnecessary.”
“Nothing that’s important to you could be silly, and anything that will make you happy is absolutely necessary.” Crowley kisses him firmly for a long moment before easing away, whispering against his mouth, “Don’t ever forget that.”
Crowley follows him out of bed, pulling the suitcases they had tucked away in the closet when they moved in together, hoping to go on a well-deserved holiday sometime soon. The two small bags are spread open on the bed as they rush about, gathering clothing and other items they’ll want. Aziraphale stashes a couple of books in his, and Crowley grabs his favorite cassette tapes for the trip.
Aziraphale goes to gather up the bath products and arranges him neatly in his case as Crowley rushes back in from the office, tucking away a small bag into the depths of his case. Sunscreen, extra sunglasses, a wide-brimmed hat, and some big towels for the beach that had to be miracle into existence before being packed away. In all, it takes them less than an hour to gather everything. Crowley will leave an extra key in the ficus outside the door and text Anathema tomorrow; trusting no one else with his houseplants.
They lock all the windows, turn off the lights. The wheels on their cases roll quietly against the tile floor as they sneak away quietly; hiding from no one, of course. But enjoying the experience of it. Crowley flicks off the last light switch, pulling the door quietly and locking the deadbolt. They’re snickering like children who have gotten away with something as they sling their bags into the trunk, hopping into the car and pulling away right there in the middle of a Tuesday night, the London skyline fading in the distance as the clock strikes one in the morning on the dashboard.
“So where are we going?”
“Little place not far from here. Saw it on a long drive once. ‘S about two hours from here, so get comfortable. Sleep if you want, angel. I’ll wake you when we’re there.”
“I couldn’t sleep now if I wanted to.”
The moon is huge and bright, and the stars become more visible the farther out from the city they drive. The road is mostly empty; dark and lined with tall trees. The air is warm and heavy with coming rain, humid in that mid-summer way. They’re still in their pajamas, but no one cares. It’s comfortable, and exciting, and things are beginning to feel alright.
Crowley plays him some of his favorite tapes. The Velvet Underground, it turns out, is not beebop. And he does like it. He likes it because Crowley likes it, and because it means something to him; the words are somehow familiar, as though he knew them before, a long time ago. Maybe he’s heard the songs before, or maybe Crowley knows them so well Aziraphale recognizes them as a part of Crowley’s heart.
Either way, Crowley sings quietly with the window cracked, on a road that’s almost entirely theirs, as they run away together in the middle of the night for no good reason other than their own joy.
The time passes far too quickly. An air of slight disappointment hangs between them as the trip draws to an end, but it’s replaced with new excitement as the ocean air fills the car. The windows are rolled down further as they both take a deep inhalation, smelling it before they see it. And then the trees break, and there it is; the moon shines bright, sparkling across huge rolling waves, crashing at the sand. Crowley pulls off the road, right up to the sand, and kills the engine.
The sound of the waves rolling in and the quiet music together fills them both with a stillness. The kind of feeling that you can only sit in; there’s nothing to say or do. It’s just about being there and feeling it as much as you can. Crowley leans up behind him, kissing his cheek sweetly.
“Will this do?”
“Oh, yes. Perfect, Crowley, just…just perfect.”
“There’s a little cottage up the road from here. Not far. We can go there and stay, if that’s alright?”
“Yes, of course. But won’t we be intruding?”
“No. It’s mine…Ours, actually. Has been for a while, I- I forgot about it, actually. Bought it ages ago.”
“Crowley, really? That’s wonderful!”
“Think you’ll like it. ‘S got plenty of space for books, and a big tub. Fireplace, nice kitchen. Can cook your breakfast tomorrow, and we can have it out on the balcony and watch the seagulls. Or in bed, whatever you like. But it’s ours.”
“Ours.”
They watch for a while longer, hands clasped in silence. Aziraphale’s eyes light up with each wave, as though this is something he hadn’t seen in many long years.
“Should we go for a walk?”
Crowley slips out the driver’s side door, coming around to open the door for Aziraphale. He takes his hand, and they leave their shoes behind, walking down the gentle slope to the sea. They walk along the wet sand, letting the incoming waves wash across their feet. The water is cool, and sparkles and foams across their bare toes.
They walk, hand in hand, picking up interesting shells and stones along the way. Crowley leans down, cupping his hands and capturing some of the water as it washes up. He runs it through his hair, pushing the strands back from his face. Aziraphale smiles at him.
“Forget how much I love the sea. Would you swim with me? If I went in?”
“Well yes, but I can’t get these wet Crowley, they’re silk.”
Crowley pulls him closer, kissing the shell of his ear and murmuring quietly, “So take them off, angel.”
Aziraphale gasps, eyes going wide. “Crowley, what if someone sees?”
“Who’s gonna see? It’s three o’clock in the morning, it’s dark. There hasn’t been a soul around for over an hour…”
“Oh…”
“C’mon, angel…say yes. Isn’t that what this was about? Let yourself have what you want.”
“I do want to, I do…”
“Let yourself be tempted.”
“Oh, alright. Yes, alright, alright…”
Crowley snickers low in his ear, nibbling playfully in celebration. Crowley rejoices internally, letting Aziraphale slip back so they can undress. Crowley removes his t-shirt and pants before helping Aziraphale with his buttons. They leave their clothes in a heap on the sand, away from the water. The moonlight shines on their skin, and Crowley can’t help but stare in awe at Aziraphale, who simply glows in it.
They wade in slowly, taking a moment to adjust to the chilly water. But as the shock fades, it feels wonderful. Freeing; liberating. Like all those times they had to restrain themselves were fading farther behind. Crowley scoops him off his feet, holding him up just under the surface of the water and letting the moonlight touch his skin. Aziraphale shuts his eyes and lets himself be held, and admired, as Crowley kisses his face sweetly.
The time he said no when Crowley wanted to run away; gone. The time he said they weren’t friends, forgotten. “You go too fast,” redeemed and erased. The no’s when he wanted to say yes, reset. The gentle rejections taken back. It all falls away now, in Crowley’s arms as the tides pull at them gently, washing them clean.
Crowley traces his admiring gaze over Azirapahle’s skin as he reclines in his arms; pools of light gathering on high points at his cheeks and nose, on his shoulders and chest. At his tummy, just under the water, and on his thighs and knees, folded across Crowley’s arm. The moon touches Crowley’s hands and fingers where he holds tight to Aziraphale, and on the bridge of his own nose, as he draws down and shuts his eyes, finding Aziraphale’s mouth and sealing their lips together warmly.
He stands firm, letting the waves rock them both gently, as they kiss. Their first kiss had been a moment of definite victory; that finish line, between fighting for the chance to be together and finally getting it. But this feels like something else; like leaving it truly behind them. Like a fresh start, with no past and no fears. They can just be; without trying to make up for anything. Lost time, missed opportunities…gone.
“I love you Crowley. I love you; so much.”
“I love you too, Aziraphale. And I’m glad we did this.”
“Yes, very glad.”
Crowley thinks back to the small bag he retrieved from the safe, wishing he had it now. Although it’s likely good that he doesn’t- easy to lose a ring in the ocean. But he thinks of it regardless, deciding that yes, now is the time.
“Angel?”
“Mmmm?” Azirapahle is entirely relaxed, floating in his arms among the gentle waves. His eyes are shut, and his head rests on top of the water.
“Marry me?”
Aziraphale’s eyes blink open as he turns to look at Crowley. He stops floating, curling up a bit to cling to Crowley’s chest and arms. He doesn’t have to think about this one; finally, a yes that he can easily give. With full enthusiasm, no hesitations. Just yes.
“Oh, my love. Absolutely, yes. Of course.”