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They haunt him at the corner of every reflection, at the edge of every near and distant sinful memory. His crimes come after him like a hungry, grueling black dog, waiting to jump him the minute he lets his guard down. He had always managed to put up for many years a strong facade of harsh masculinity. However, the truth was that he was never able to forget his harrowing deeds.
He knew that one day his sins were going to catch up to him, to punish him for all his misdeeds and he was at peace with that, for there was one way this could have ended, bloody like it started with his corpse rotting on the cold ground. Yet, his sins caught up to him in the most abhorrent manner by taking a piece of his brother with them. His sins haunt him everytime he drowns in his brother’s well of despair and agony.
'Antidepressants...sedatives...sleeping pills…even freaking antipsychotics' Cumali grimaced, reading the prescriptions on the bottles and foil blister packs in Yamac's jacket pocket. He happened to come across them when he was fumbling with Yamac’s wet clothes after they came back from the factory.
"What the hell are all those?" Cumali mumbled, in shock of the amount of drugs his brother was on. He almost couldn't believe that his baby brother could be consuming those pills everyday. When he woke up, Cumali tried to ask him cautiously without agitating him further, or scaring him, but it didn't work because the boy was too out of it to put two words together. After their latest chat and formal agreement on all out war against everyone who stands in their way, Yamac insisted on leaving again despite Cumali's urging for him to stay. Cumali wasn't a fan of letting Yamac off by himself in his current physical and mental state, but at the same time, he could not hold him prisoner against his will. So, he just settled for a promise from Yamac that he would return to the apartment after he finished his business.
‘Something needs to be done,’ Cumali thought, but he had no idea what it was. All of it being overwhelming, Cumali decided to deal with this one problem at a time. First, the baby wasn't well. He needed to find a solution soon. He couldn't have his baby brother consuming god knows what, and going through everyday life like everything is fine. He had noticed in the past few days that his hands were shaking all the time, eyes unfocused, and he would get those sudden flinches and spasms, topping that with violent mood swings. Everything lately was off with Yamac. It is as if he was losing his brother little by little to those drugs. Obviously, the trauma of their father's death must have affected him in some way, but those physical symptoms couldn't have resulted from his psychological state alone, they were obviously the side effects of those awesome meds his brother was on. Luckily for Cumali, he found a number written on the bottle cover along with the recommended dosage. He concluded that it must have been Yamac's doctor who was behind the intelligent idea of putting his brother on those meds.
He called the number, and agreed to meet the so-called psychiatrist in his office to talk about Yamac. Contrary to his expectations, the doctor seemed pleased to hear from anyone from Yamac’s family, and was urgent to propose a meeting between them so quickly. However, that didn't deter Cumali from mentally preparing a list of profanities and curses to flood the doctor with once he sees him.
The address the doctor described led Cumali to a mental hospital, the old building was rusty and old. The wallpapers were torn down and funny-shaped, seeming like a relic from the seventies. Once he entered the corridor, he came across some patients, but they barely noticed him, each in their own world. He wondered for a while why would the Psychiatrist’s office be in such a place. If he was a normal therapist, he would have had an office in a normal building, not a mental hospital. He withheld the questions in his head for a while till he meets the so-called psychiatrist. After asking one of the nurses for the guy’s room, he was led to an office at the corner of the hall. He barged in, skipping all the formalities and unnecessary decorum, his blood already boiling from yesterday.
“Are you Yamac’s therapist?” he asked, looking down his nose at the psychiatrist, discomposed by his fuzzy hair and shiny earrings. He thought to himself that the guy was more suitable to play a rock and roll part than a doctor.
"Yes. Nice to meet you. You must be Yamac's older brother," he replied, contented to have finally met the iconic Cumali Kocovali that Yamac told him so much about. From Yamac’s stories, he had a mental image of Cumali’s features as stout, rough and bull-headed. He certainly lived up to his reputation, but somehow the doctor sensed a hint of kindness beneath all that male bravado.
"I am, but let’s cut to the chase. You are a busy man and I am, let’s say, in the middle of a fight. I just have a simple question for you: What the hell did you do to my brother?" Cumali questioned, raising an eyebrow at the doctor intimidatingly.
"I see that we have gotten off on the wrong foot. I don't know how much you know and what did Yamac tell you about me but let me explain my side first before we jump into any conclusions" the doctor said, offering Cumali a seat who refused to relax until he reached the bottom of this.
"Be quick then because I am not a patient person" Cumali remarked firmly, eyeing the doctor disapprovingly, still in doubt of the his credibility.
"Alright. Let's start with your brother's condition when he was first brought here..." the doctor began to explain before he was shortly interrupted.
"Am sorry. What?! Brought here how?!" Cumali asked, taken aback in fear of what the doctor was implying.
"He was brought here by the medics after they received a complaint from one of the restaurants that he was bothering the guests by his strange behaviour"
"So you are saying that he was brought in as a patient. A mental patient!!" Cumali restated in disbelief of the doctor’s audacity to accuse his brother of such lunacy.
"Yes. He was institutionalized here for around three months, after which, I deemed him fit and bailed his release given that he takes the prescribed medicine, and attends a meeting session with me every month," the doctor explained, surprised by Cumali's lack of knowledge of the whole incident. The doctor had always thought that Yamac must have told his family at some point of his mishap or at least they would have asked him of his whereabouts during that time. However, given the disbelief on Cumali's face, It seems that none of the family was informed.
In a fit of denial, Cumali yelled and threatened the doctor, accusing him of being a liar and colluding with their enemies to drive his brother insane. The doctor was shocked at first at the rapid escalation of the situation, but held his ground, convincing Cumali of his sincerity. It took Cumali a couple of minutes to register the fact that his little brother was in such dire need of mental help that he was brought in from the streets and locked in such a place. He couldn't imagine the state his brother was in back then. Just the thought of it disturbed Cumali greatly, having been oblivious of all this, while his brother was on the brink of insanity, strangers running to his aid while his entire family was left in the dark. 'How could have this happened?!' Cumali questioned himself, unable to get his head around the matter. He needed someone to blame, but just couldn't put his fingers on who was responsible for this mess. It was a vicious cycle Cumali Kocovali lived in: find the culprit, kill him. He was always looking for simple explanations for the most complicated issues, his way of organizing reality revolving purely on actions and punishments, just like his father taught him.
"But you did prescribe the medicine he is now taking?!" Cumali asked, in an attempt to still hold the doctor accountable for some of it at least.
"If you mean the antidepressants and sedatives, then, yes"
"Can you tell me now what was going in your mind when you prescribed to my perfectly sensible little brother all those meds? The kid might be slightly traumatized, but he is not insane" Cumali snarked. The fact that the doctor was telling the truth did not exempt him from being a dumb ass doctor who was terrible at his job, who gave his brother an insane amount of medicine that he didn't need.
"I understand that it's hard for you coming to accept all this, given that you had no prior knowledge of any of it. But you need to accept that your brother needs help" the doctor replied sympathetically, understanding Cumali’s perspective as an older brother, trying to absorb all those shocking information being thrown at him. Cumali had every right to be skeptical and angry.
"I am not saying he is insane for that depends on one's definition of sanity or insanity. But this is not our issue. My issue is that your brother is not stable psychologically to put it into simple terms, and his inner disturbance has gone out of hand and affected him physically. The meds I have given him were to ease, even for a little, his inner turmoil that was having him indulge in self-harming behaviour"
"What ‘self-harm’ are you talking about! He is unstable, I give you that much but he is not suicidal"
"Did you know that he smashed his head against the wall of his room until we had to intervene and sedate him?"
"No way. Yamac wouldn't do this... It must have been a misunderstanding"
"I can call one of the nurses for you who can confirm this incident for you"
After a long conversation with the nurse, validating the doctor's claims, Cumali felt cornered, having to face the truth about the severity of his brother's mental condition. He thought that if he argued about it long enough, he would be able to get the doctor to assess Yamac differently, and to tell him that his brother was alright. He just needed someone to tell him that his brother would be alright.
"I am not telling you all this to upset you. Things are not as bad as they seem. I am actually quite optimistic. Your brother was very receptive of the treatment and showed promise of recovery. However, I have my concerns about his condition when it comes to his violent outbursts, severe lack of sleep but I feel that with enough support, we can overcome this" the doctor added, seeming hopeful. “How has he been lately?!"
"Not well. This is actually why I am here. He is barely holding on. He is shaking and talking to himself. Sometimes, he genuinely doesn't notice my presence at all when I am right in front of him. Not to mention that he barely sleeps or eats. I thought it was the medication, but after what you just told me, I am not too sure, anymore" Cumali blurted, glad to get that off his chest.
"The medication is not supposed to have that effect on him. It should be decreasing those symptoms you have just mentioned, not causing it, unless they haven't been working with him lately and he is overdosing. If that's the case, I would need to see him right away. Overdosing is very dangerous and we need to act quickly before his condition gets worse"
"If you are suggesting that I bring him here, I don't think it's going to work. He won't agree or come willingly"
"Why not?! He is scheduled for a meeting with me this month either way"
"He is not going to show up. I know him…you see we are in the middle of something and until we finish it, he is not going to rest or settle down”
Hearing Cumali's words, the doctor had to come up with another way to follow up on Yamac's condition. In cases like this, he usually assigned the guardian of the patient as a mediator between his patients and himself. So, he asked Cumali to keep an eye on Yamac and get a hold of all his medication which he is going to give to Yamac daily according to the proper dosage and time. Cumali agreed wholeheartedly, who had already planned to observe Yamac closely for the next few days.
After the two agreed on the terms of how to deal with the boy, Cumali left the hospital and headed home to arrange his thoughts on what he was going to tell Yamac. He waited patiently for Yamac to come back as he promised him in the morning. At about 3 in the morning, Yamac finally came back, carefully creeping by the door as not to wake up Cumali. However, his efforts proved futile, seeing Cumali from across the hall, sitting in the armchair in the living room.
"Abi, were you waiting for me?!" Yamac asked from across the hall.
"I was. Why are you late?! Where have you been?" Cumali questioned, holding back his anger, deciding on being careful when dealing with Yamac in his current state.
"In the neighborhood sorting some stuff" Yamac replied casually, his answer further agitating Cumali who was barely holding his temper.
"Alright. Come here. Sit in front of me" Cumali ordered, eyes fixed on Yamac, shooting him laser beams with his eyes
"What's going on?! You sound weird," Yamac remarked, approaching the couch in front of Cumali.
"Nothing is going on. I have just made a few decisions that I need to discuss with you"
"What decisions?!"
"For one, we are gonna have to put our war ambitions on hold for sometime"
"Why?! This is exactly the time when we should be getting back at our enemies. A war doesn't wait, Abi. We need to take steps now!"
"You are right, but before starting a war, one should also be prepared mentally and physically in order to win, otherwise we are going to end up doing more damage than good"
"What do you mean 'prepared'?! We are all ready to raise some hell"
"I mean 'you', you are not ready!!"
"Me?! I am fine,'' Yamac sighed, tired of how many times he had to repeat that phrase. "If this was about the other day…”
“I am not just talking about that day. You are not eating, you are barely sleeping and your hands are shaking and warm all the time like you are down with a fever or something”
“Abi..”
“NO, DON’T! What ‘Abi’?! If you have been more careful with your health, we would not have come to this” Cumali exclaimed, having enough of Yamac's nonsense.
It wasn’t long after that Cumali subdued his brother after of course the ensue of a series of curses and screams from both sides. He even had Yamac relinquish all his meds in favor of Cumali controlling his self-medicating behavior.
After both brothers ran out of energy to fight anymore, with the youngest having to comply with his brother's demands. The next day came, while both brothers were facing each other from across the couch and chair, eyes blood shed from the lack of sleep. Once the sun rose, Cumali stood up and went to the kitchen to prepare breakfast. He set the table and called Yamac to join him. Yamac joined him but barely lifted a spoon on the table, looking the other way the whole time. "I won't force you to eat but you are not leaving this apartment till you do" Cumali warned with a tone that sent the message across to Yamac that he was going to follow through with his threat. Grunting his way through the food and mumbling about how 'he is not a child anymore', Yamac took a bite or two from the laid table and announced that he was done. Cumali sighed and rubbed his hand against his forehead, thinking that they still had a long way ahead of them. After breakfast, Cumali handed to Yamac the pills prescribed in the morning. While handing him the pills, Cumali could sense how warm his brother’s hand was. He extended his arm to feel his forehead, but Yamac turned his head away. “Will you stop it? I think you have a fever,” Cumali said, frustrated. “I am fine” Yamac replied coldly, walking away from Cumali. Cumali was about to run after him and punch him out of his stubbornness, but he realised that he was guilty of the same sin.
The evening came and again Yamac did not eat well for lunch or dinner, Cumali being forced to give him the pills on a nearly empty stomach. Finally, it was time for bed and Yamac headed for the bedroom inside. He sat on the floor, next to the bed, certain that he won’t get any shut eye like usual.
“Why are you not on the bed?” Cumali questioned as he entered the room.
“I can’t sleep” Yamac said, exhausted, eyelids sagging from sleep deprivation. "You use the bed"
"I don't use a bed, you know me. Come on, on the bed now!" Cumali directed.
"Whatever you say, Abi" Yamac laid on the bed, staring at the ceiling, looking tired but no where near sleep. Cumali settled in his place on the floor, watching over him.
"Are you still awake?" Cumali asked after considerable time had passed.
"Yeah, I told you I can't sleep" Yamac retorted, sighing. "What about you? Why can't you sleep?"
"I can't sleep because of you" Cumali said, tauntingly"
"Yeah, right. Blame it all on me" Yamac smirked, looking at Cumali.
"But seriously, I am just really worried about you all the time, thinking what if he gets sick, passes out from lack of sleep or food, gets shot because of his rashness…the list is endless and what kills me is that you care so little about yourself "
"Abi, I'm sorry...for all of this. This whole mess, It's because of me", Yamac looked down, apologetic.
"No, It's not. Don't you dare think like that!! It's not your fault for trying to protect this family…when I am the one who was supposed to" Cumali sighed, looking guilt ridden. Afterall, it was his responsibility and his alone to protect his family as the eldest. Instead, he left their youngest with the momentous struggle to kill their father to protect everyone else. He wished he was the one to would have pulled the trigger, sent their father to his early grave, as cruel as it sounds, it would have at least saved his brother from the agony.
"It's not your responsibility alone; it's OUR responsibility. Besides, it's not like I did a great job at it. I couldn't protect...him, our father" Yamac retorted, voice broken, blinking repeatedly.
"You can't save everyone, no matter how hard you try... At some point, you are going to have to let go of all that guilt, that regret that's keeping you at night" Cumali continued, hoping to get through to his brother. He actually felt them connect for the first time in a long time. He can't remember the last time they had a heart to heart conversation like this since he had come out of jail and this time, he was desperate to fix his brother, even if it meant getting emotional, sharing how each of them felt despite his unspoken rule to never get this vulnerable in front of anyone. It was what his father taught him religiously after all.
"What do you think, bebe?" Cumali turned around to look at his little brother to see his face. However, he saw instead his brother shaking violently on the bed, head jerking back and forth on the pillow.
"BEBE…" he yelled, hustling to his brother's side. He held his brother's face, giving him a once over, before realising that he was having a seizure. "Damn it, what do I do?" Cumali whispered, still holding onto his brother. He was about to call the doctor, when he remembered that he told him what to do in case Yamac had one of his episodes. He quickly maneuvered him to his side, and wrapped his arms tightly around him, restraining him from excessive movements, so he wouldn't hurt himself.
"Shhhh...You're alright...you're alright...I have got you" Cumali whispered in his ears and burying his face in the crook of his brother's neck, while still holding onto him. Soon, the shaking slowed down and Yamac's tense facial expression eased a little, allowing Cumali to let out a sigh when the convulsions finally came to a halt.
He was glad the seizure stopped. Everytime something like this happened, Cumali was caught off guard that he wished those seizures would come with a warning label. Holding his brother's cheeks, Cumali could feel the heat coming off the child. He ran to the bathroom again, and this time, grabbed a thermometer, a towel and a water basin. He placed the thermometer under his brother's tongue as best he can while he was still out of it. The temperature came back as 40 degrees Celsius, making Cumali curse for letting this past him till it got this high. He was thinking of carrying the baby to the nearest hospital and to hell with all the consequences, but he wasn't any good to his brother behind bars. He glanced at the towel and water by the bed and comprehended that they won't be enough with a 40 degree fever. He cradled his brother in his arms and lifted him from the bed, wincing all the while from the heat radiating off his body. The kid was basically a human furnace that he almost felt his skin burning under his brother's heat. All that gave Cumali the more reason to race to the bathroom and lay his brother under the shower head. He turned on the shower on slow pour, to ensure the baby did not go into shock from the icy water. He gently massaged his brother’s scalp with one hand, running his fingers through his golden locks, while holding the shower head in another, following with his eyes any reaction that might show on his brother’s face. But his eyes were firmly shut, sending shivers down his spine. “Yamac, come on. Open your eyes please so that your Abi would know that you are alright, hah?” Cumali pleaded, letting go of the shower head and holding his brother’s face in both hands and wildly shaking him, at this point too unperturbed to be able to restraint his strength. “A...bi...” he weakly mouthed, eyes still shut. “Ahhh, thank god” Cumali gasped in relief. “You are going to be the death of me one day!”
Taking a short while to compose himself, Cumali turned off the shower that was still running on the floor beneath them. He glanced at his brother once more, getting lost in his features, trying to decipher the mystery that is Yamac Kocovali, his one of a kind baby brother. His eyes were closed, dark circles underneath them obviously from the lack of sleep. His body was heavily tilting on one side, shuddering faintly from the fever and the cold water still dripping from his curls. Every now and then, a whimper escapes his blue lips, accompanied momentarily with a frown spreading across his ashen white face, as if protesting the workings of his horrid fate. Cumali’s eyes glisten with tears, and move away from the agonizing sight in front of him. His brother resembled a broken mannequin with its strings cut loose, further jostled around by their enemies for their mere amusement. He softly pushed his damp hair away from his forehead, with all the endearment an older brother has for his younger sibling and all the torment a powerless and guilt-ridden Cumali has for a wrecked and defeated Yamac. Silently, he wrapped the younger man in his arms and lifted him off the floor, heading back to the bedroom. He redressed him, set him down on the bed and spent the rest of the night beside him. His eyelids grew heavy and his gaze fell to the floor, not from the lack of sleep for he was used to going days without sleep, but from having to acknowledge their defeat. Even revenge at this point was no longer an appealing thought to Cumali who was headset from the start on ridding the playing field from all their enemies, but they lost over and over again every time they barely got back on their feet, losing more loved friends and family along the way. And he wasn’t ready to fail once more. Yes, he may admit that he was a single-minded, headstrong fool but he was not without feelings, the toll of the tragedies that could have certainly ended most people along time ago, finally weighing him down with anchors firmly grounded in place. He wished nothing from this world, but to leave him and his family alone. For the baby, he just needed to keep him alive at all costs, even if he can never be the same again, even if he had to admit that he can’t be fixed. He would force those damn medicine himself down his throat if that’s what it takes to keep him breathing. He even considered the unthinkable of locking his brother away in that dreadful hospital if matters got worse and Yamac’s life was at risk. It was selfish, but he just couldn’t handle losing his brother, for he was just as broken, just as hopeless as he was sure the rest of his family were.
Night quickly morphed into day, while Cumali lied indifferent still on the chair. The sunlight slowly eased through the window, shimmering over both his and his brother’s unmoving frames. Yamac’s eyes sluggishly flickered and he let out a moan, resting his hand on his forehead, a chill coursing through his body. “Bebe, how are you feeling?” Cumali gently removed his brother’s hand away to feel his forehead. “You still feel a little warm, but better than yesterday, I guess”
“What happened yesterday? I remember you and I were talking but I can’t seem to recall anything after” Yamac grimaced, feeling his head pounding against his chest. “You can’t remember because you were burning hotter than flame. Not to mention you had a seizure, I am guessing because of your high fever” Cumali retorted, his anger coming out as mere sarcasm.
“But I can’t...I really don’t…” Yamac faltered, trying to remember any of yesterday's events.
“Hey, it’s fine. It’s just that you should have told me that you were not feeling well before letting it spiral out of hand” Cumali remarked, softening his tone at the sight of his brother’s confusion.
“I just need a heads up. That’s all I ask. Talk to me. Or at least let me take care of you, instead of walking away every time. Can you at least do that?” Cumali asked earnestly, desperation showing through his voice, all his walls collapsing, leaving him with an honest exterior, new to his brother.
“God, I am so sorry” Yamac said, seeming really apologetic, guilt flooding him when he thought about what his brother had to go through last night, while he was unaware. "I don't know why I am like this. I don't want to be...this" he continued, eyes glistening with tears and wandering frantically, as if his brain is desperately trying to search for a way out of this situation. "I want to be your brother again"
At this, Cumali's heart broke. He can see the mental agony visible through his brother's eyes. No one should have to put up with this much torture and pain, especially his baby brother, who would not even hurt a fly, let alone kill anyone, not their own father! But Cumali was moved that even amidst all the chaos, Yamac wanted them to be normal brothers again, that he felt the need to do his part and act as a younger brother again.
"I don't want to be this mess that you have to babysit around. I wanna have your back like I had in the past...I want to get back at those who did this to us…" Yamac looked up to Cumali, mirroring his earlier honesty with a touch of innocence, only ever subsisting through their youngest's blood, despite the horrors he has been through.
"And we will," Cumali promised, holding his brother's hand in his own. "And about us being brothers again, I will always be your older brother. It makes more sense if I have your back, not you having mine" he added, ruffling his brother's hair. "Hell, sometimes, you even feel like my kid, not my brother"
"Well, excuse me, Mr. All wise and old" Yamac smiled, feeling light for the first time since that day. The burden suddenly lifted, as if the sky momentarily cleared and the dark clouds of gloom subsiding. His head was clear, in the right headspace, parts of his old self being pieced together.
"We'll get through this...as long as you don't give up" Cumali promised, hope beaming from his eyes like the refreshing flicker of the morning sun.
At that moment, they heard a knock on the door that left them wide-eyed. They glanced flustered towards the door.
"Does anyone else know about this place except you and I?" Yamac asked.
"No. Stay here. I'll go check who is it and come back" Cumali directed, already on his feet, eyes more alert and gaze stern, abandoning his earlier casualness.
"If it's the cops, then maybe it's not the best idea for you to go waltzing in front of them. Let me go" Yamac pointed out, fearing for his brother to get caught again and this time, he is sure it won't be that easy to break him out since the police would take more precautions against any attempts from Cumali to flee again.
"No! Don't worry! I can handle myself" he brushed his brother's warning off, signaling to Yamac to keep silent while he took care of this. He firmly shut the bedroom door behind him to at least try to keep his brother safe in there from whatever that was coming.
Looking through the eye socket, he recognized a familiar face.
"Selim! Why are you here? How do you know I am here?" He opened the door and fired bluntly at Selim, who would have been normally offended if he wasn't way head over his heels with a recent outrageous revelation.
"Abi... this is important" Selim frowned, breath hitching as if he had been dreading something.
"God, Selim! If this is about Çukur, I don't care. I have an urgent matter I need to tend to" Cumali said hastily, and was about to shut the door, if Selim did not push a hand against it. He wasn't trying to come out as cold to Selim, but he didn't want to be dragged into any of Cukur's problems for a while, until he got back his baby brother sound on his feet.
"This is not about Cukur! It's about Yamac and it's critical." Selim explained, taking out a flash drive out of his pocket and holding it in front of Cumali.