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Love was a rarity in the town of Cukur, as it was expected to be. A town where fathers pushed their sons into carrying guns and killing foes, where children were taught thievery, instead of letters, where they were seen playing with knives, instead of toys. It was the spitting image of a place run and owned by a mafia family, his family. Yet, to Selim, all that violence and useless struggle to maintain Cukur was never on his mind. He was a lone wolf; he preferred it that way. He was not a conformist, to say the least, for the right reasons he had believed. Even when his friends made fun of him for being too soft or too quick to tears, even when his own father scoffed his gentle mannerisms as an insult to manhood, he didn't waver, for he had one thing, the only thing they couldn't take away from him... his baby brother. While he was on bad terms with almost everyone else, Yamac was the only one capable of putting a smile on his face. Just seeing him fiddling with his toys, or begging his brothers for a game of hide and seek were Selim's simple joys of life. It was the innocence in his brother that Selim was so entranced with, the variable that was constantly missing in everyone's life in Cukur.
And yet, that constant in Selim's life was soon mugged from him, courtesy of the horrifying video on the flash drive that was handed to him by an anonymous mail. After hours of crying and screaming, he finally wrapped his head around what went down that day his father died. Fear soon started to creep of how many people could have seen it, of who sent it to him and to what end. He needed to find Cumali quickly and get this matter under control before other people found out. Or at least come across Yamac, who wasn't answering his calls lately. He needed to face the boy and reassure him that he was without fault for his own father’s demise.
By a miracle, he was able to find Cumali's residence after checking a couple of their old apartments. He knocked on the door, waiting impatiently for his brother to answer. When his brother came out, he looked like he was in no mood to talk, Selim could take a guess that he hadn't slept well last night, given the dark bags under his eyes. But it was urgent; Yamac's life was in danger. So, he showed him the dreaded flash drive, Cumali instantly letting him in, as if he knew what was in it. Selim was suspicious, but he brushed his suspicions away right in that moment. If Cumali had known about something like this, he would have told him, for sure or so he thought back then.
"Abi, there is something you need to know,'' Selim said as he made his way to the living.
"Let me guess, it has to do with that pen drive in your hand" Cumali stated, indifferently.
"Yes, it's Yamac and dad. They...they were forced into a situation where they had to go against each other or else...everyone...our family would die. So...Yamac…Yamac" Selim faltered suddenly, after being so eager in the beginning to tell his brother everything. For just a short moment, he doubted that Cumali would understand. What if he didn't? What if he held Yamac accountable? These thoughts crossed his mind while Cumali stood in front of him, nonchalantly, waiting for the punchline.
"So, he shot him. Is that right?" Cumali blurted, shocking Selim.
"You knew about this?"
"Yeah, a couple of days ago, someone led me into a trap where they showed me that same video that I am guessing, is on that flash drive as well"
"Well, why didn't you tell me?!" Selim complained, in disbelief of the length his brothers can go to, hiding matters from him.
“Well, it is not a topic for casual conversation, isn’t it?” Cumali retorted, pinching his nose bridge and looking away. “And besides, I was just trying to figure things out for myself in the past few days. It wasn’t an easy journey coming to accept all this”
“Always the last person to find things out in this family!” Selim mumbled, feeling left out. “Where is he now?”
“I...I don’t know, Selim. What were you going to do when you find him anyway?” Cumali hesitated, looking anxious. He was not ready to divulge any information about Yamac’s whereabouts, even to their brothers, until he confirmed that they didn't harbor any ill will towards him. At this point, a mere confrontation with Yamac may send the child over to the edge. As long as he remained hidden in that room, he was safe for now. He just needed to find a way to get rid of Selim as soon as he could.
"I don't know. I have to find him first," Selim shrugged. "I am just worried that he might do something to himself"
"Yeah, I hear ya" Cumali agreed, looking sympathetically at the kid. And just when he was about to tell Selim everything, Yamac cropped out of the room, staggering through the hallway and leaning against the wall.
"Abiiii" he yelled, alerting both Cumali and Selim, sending them both off their feet.
"What the?!" Selim gasped, scurrying towards Yamac, who was about to fall, had Selim not caught him.
"Ohh, God, Yamac!!" Selim held him tightly in his arms. "Are you alright?!" He yelled, looking at Yamac, who stilled in his arms, compelling Selim to look towards Cumali. "What's wrong with him?"
Cumali froze in his place, the sight of Selim hugging Yamac's slumped form close to his chest shaking him greatly. He wondered how he could think that Selim could ever hurt Yamac. Even when they were young, Selim always loved Yamac the most. That scene brought back memories of a time when Selim shielded Yamac from Idris's beatings. Usually, Yamac was not the target of Idris's violent outbursts, but that day, the ten year old crossed the line by challenging their father's authority in a heated argument. Matters escalated quickly between them, Idris shoving his youngest onto the floor, and kicking him. Cumali, hearing the screams all the way up in his room, came rushing down the stairs to find Selim already slumped over Yamac's body and taking the kicks in his stead. It fazed him greatly how two were doggedly loyal to each other, and how their relationship that seemed turbulent and even sometimes molded with jealousy was just as strong as his and Kahraman's, if not stronger.
"He was sick last night" Cumali blurted, approaching them, feeling Yamac's forehead, Selim shooting him laser beams with his eyes.
"And you didn't tell me about this...BECAUSE WHY?!" Selim exclaimed, all three brothers still hunched on the floor.
"I am sorry. It was a jerk move, no excuse" Cumali apologized, avoiding Selim's reproachful gaze.
"Oh my God!! you didn't think...that I…" Selim scoffed, shaking his head in disbelief. "YOU REALLY THOUGHT THAT I COULD HURT MY OWN BROTHER!!!…and Yamac of all people...the kid I love more than myself" Selim continued ranting, Cumali letting him be because he knew he was right. He hurt his brother's feelings in a way that he shouldn't have; he really didn't deserve it, after all.
"I am sorry. I really am. I just didn't know what to think. Everything has been upside down since I knew about this, and he is not really okay as you can see" Cumali confessed, hoping to get through to Selim, who had a habit of holding deep seated grudges against people who have hurt him. He was pretty sure his name was now on Selim's list of inconsiderate, awful jerks, right under his father's name. "But for now, can we take the baby back to bed, please?!"
"Hands off! I will" Selim removed Cumali's hands from over Yamac's form and carried Yamac in his arms till the bedroom. He lowered him to the bed, and ran his eyes over his body, checking for any injuries or abnormalities. "He is warm" Selim remarked, looking towards Cumali who was sitting next to the bedpost.
"Should have seen him yesterday!! That fever is nothing in comparison. He is getting better" Cumali reassured, a hand on his face. He was tired himself from staying up last night, and having to deal with all this. Maybe, having Selim for support wasn’t such a bad idea after all.
“Selim…” Yamac voiced weakly, looking at the figure hovering above him. It took him a while to try to distinguish the faces of the people in his line of vision. It all seemed hazy, faint and very far away, as if it was all a dream, with his brothers getting further, and their voices barely audible. The frame was shaky and unsteady, flooding his senses with images on and off every time he blinked. He could see that their lips were moving, but he couldn’t tell what they were saying. To add to his confusion as well, Selim was present in the scene, making Yamac doubt further the credibility of everything he was seeing. For all he knew, this all could be just a product of his imagination.
“Yamac...Can you see me?" Selim asked, worriedly. He nudged his shoulder gently, hoping to grab his attention. Yamac was looking at him, but his gaze seemed very far and out of this world.
“I am fine. Don’t worry” Yamac gave Selim a slight assuring smile, depending purely on his instinct to reply and the obvious look of concern drawn on Selim’ face because in reality, he could only hear garbled words coming out of his brother’s mouth. The two men were far from reassured, Cumali moving closer to Yamac’s side.
“He does not look right” Cumali said, hand above Yamac’s forehead. “The fever has gone down substantially but he still looks off”
“You are the one who should know! You have been with him the entire time without telling me, of course!” Selim rolled his eyes, prompting an instant sigh from Cumali.
“He hasn’t been eating well. That and the fever yesterday must have worn him out fairly” Cumali remarked with another sigh. “I will go get him something to eat”
“Wait!! What?? Why hasn't he been eating?" Selim questioned, frantically.
"It's a long story. Follow me to the kitchen and I'll run you through the details"
And It was a long journey, getting Selim to accept all of it, especially the part where Yamac was locked up in that mental place, and being on all those meds, just to keep him from spiralling out of control. The denial stage was shortly followed by one of grief, Cumali exhausted of going through the same process again with Selim.
Back in the room, Yamac was left alone. He watched his brothers leave, but couldn't voice a complaint to stop them, their forsaking bringing back some of his old demons, slowly creeping out of the closet, threatening to swallow him whole again. With Cumali's constant presence in the past few days, Yamac felt safe. He had thought that no one could ever help him out of this pit of despair he had fallen into because no one could undo his terrible deed. There was no power on Earth that could turn back time, or erase those memories. But there was something about Cumali's broad shoulders, hovering above him that had his darkness contained and devils chained. It's a certain quality older brothers have, an aura similar to that of a guardian or a father that promises shelter and safety against all dangers, great and small. For the first time, he felt that he had hope, with Cumali filling in for their father, but the second his two brothers left out that door, he realised how foolish his thoughts were. With his weakened form, Yamac was left in a daze that had his head spinning with all the painful memories he had been through, the sidereel of his biggest failures constantly on loop. That alone should have been enough to send Yamac over the edge with a seizure, but there was something else gnawing at his stomach, a pain too sharp, grounding him to reality.
The pain was sporadic but intense, hitting him on and off, at the region of his lower stomach. And before knew it, his body was racked with tremors that he wasn't really used to, different from the ones he would get before a seizure. He collected all his strength just to position himself upright on the bed. He looked around, taking in the sights outside the window, the small chirping birds, the strands of sunlight, and the cloud-free blue sky. It was all peaceful, and poetic, as if it was a rainbow-like scene within an enclosed frame, making him momentarily forget about the pain. For the first time in literally years, he had been able to idle around and smell the roses, courtesy of ‘older brother’ locking him up against his will in this apartment. But it proved worthwhile in that moment of pure peace.
But nothing peaceful lasts forever. He had learned that the hard way through the short periods of order and tranquil in Cukur, followed closely by devastating catastrophes of dead children and weeping mothers. Upon this realisation, he felt a knot building up in his stomach. This time, the sharpness increased ten fold, forcing him to let out a whimper of distress from the pain. He clutched the blanket over his knees tightly, trying to ride out the throbbing sting in his stomach. But it didn't stop, rather culminated into this surge of hot acid in his throat, and finally the cough of crimson red on his hand. He stared in awe for sometime, admiring the sight of pure blood. For the first time, it was his blood...his...not his wife's, not his friends', not his father. It was such a relief against the constant taint of blood from loved ones. He didn't scream, call for his brothers, or even attempt to get out of bed.
When Cumali and Selim came into the room, they did not know what they saw. Cumali was carrying a tray of food, Selim following him closely from behind.
"YAMAC..." Cumali hurried forward, dropping the tray to the floor. Selim, immediately rushed as well, gasping at the amount of blood running down his brother's mouth and chin, soaking his hands and completely tarnishing the blanket underneath.
"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO?!" Cumali screamed at Yamac, running his hands frantically over his chest and stomach to find the source of the bleeding.
"I didn't do this" Yamac mumbled, taken aback by Cumali's panicked reaction. "There was this pain in my stomach, and then blood came out of my mouth"
"Then why didn't you tell us?" Cumali scolded, but eyeing him with concern.
"Abii, this is not the time" Selim urged. "We need to take Yamac to the hospital"
"You are right" Cumali agreed, fetching Yamac's clothes from the closet.
"You go get dressed. I'll help him" Selim took the clothes from Cumali, and ran over to Yamac, lifting his shirt to get him dressed.
"I am fine. Calm down" Yamac grimaced, while Selim was easing the shirt over his chest.
"Shut up...Yamac...you just shut up!!" Selim bit his lips, holding off his anger. "I didn't say anything in front of Cumali Abi because we are in a hurry, but we are going to talk about this!!"
They arrived at the emergency bay, the two brothers holding onto Yamac from both sides, despite his insisting that he can walk fine without any help. Cumali had his hat laying low, in an attempt to hide his identity as best he could. Selim had advised him to stay at home, while he accompanied Yamac, but he refused to abide, rushing with them regardless.
They had him settled in one of the examination rooms, and were waiting outside when the doctor came out and addressed them. He told them that they had discovered a tear in the stomach lining that was causing the bleeding, and that they needed to operate asap in order to prevent further damage. They waited patiently outside for the duration of the operation.
"Do you think he is going to be alright?" Selim asked, seated on one of the chairs, near the operating room.
"He has to" Cumali raced back and forth, his usual habit whenever he felt nervous. "This is all my fault. I should have brought him here the moment I felt something was off with him"
"There is always something off with him these days!" Selim shook his head. "You did your best. The question is how are we gonna deal with him from now on"
"I tried...I really tried this time...I thought keeping him in the house would help him, but as you have seen, it didn't work. Even feels like I have made him worse" Cumali's voice cracked, holding back his tears, halting his frantic movement, and falling on a chair.
"It's not your fault" Selim approached, patting his back. "It's not like there is a manual on how to deal with your mentally troubled brother after he kills your father "
Just then, the doctor showed up, with the long awaited news. Cumali and Selim scrambled towards him with such enthusiasm that befuddled the doctor.
“How is he? The operation was a success, right? He won’t suffer from any life-long damage, right?” They both fired at the doctor, flooding him with all their concerns.
“The operation went well. Please, relax both of you. But we will run more tests just in case, and have him under strict supervision”
“But you just said the operation went well, so what are the tests for?” Cumali asked.
“We discovered some chemicals in large quantities in his bloodstream that we believe is responsible for this setback. We’ll need to run more tests before we can confirm anything, but these chemicals seem to be similar to the ones used in psychiatric medicine”
After a long conversation with the doctor, Cumali understood that the medicine wouldn't have had that effect if Yamac wasn't gulping them on an empty stomach, and depending on them like a food source. He wanted to blame himself again but the doctor said this deterioration needed at least more than a few months to come to be. The doctor offered to refer Yamac to a psychiatrist but they refused, Cumali cursing the whole psychiatry field in the process, and deciding to deal with his brother on his own.
They were finally allowed in Yamac's room. When they entered, they saw him prepped low on the bed with a bundle of pillows huddled under his head, and a thin blanket over his pale form. They remarked how he was more skin and bones lately, almost resembling an anorexic. Cumali fell on the nearest seat next to the bed while Selim stood over him, caressing his hair dotingly. It was always when Yamac was sick, ever since he was little that scared the entire family out of their wits. He was only five back then, just started school, and caught a nasty virus that was going around the kids. All of them were freaking out; it was his first time being that ill since the few years he had been born. They all stood by his side of the bed, Selim cupping his left hand from one side, and Kahraman, over his head, caressing and kissing his forehead. Cumali remained between the rear bedposts, watching over him anxiously, while their mom was yelling to the doctor outside about how his fever has not gone down yet. Their father, on the other hand, was in his study, discussing one of the many matters of Cukur with Emmi, turning down Sultan whenever she questioned him about the level of concern he shows for his boys. But even with Sultan's apprehensive nature, their parents, in general, were never the affectionate type. So, any vestige of affection had to be shared between the closed circle of the four brothers. But with Yamac, it was special, something about his vibrant blonde hair, and delicate features, small nose, naturally flushed cheeks, and doe eyes instilled protectiveness in the people around him. The brothers spent that night in his room, despite the doctor urging them to stay out of it. It was a pact to protect the small bud against the evils they have witnessed firsthand in Cukur. But they have all fallen back on that old promise, the boy lying in front of them evidence of such.
When Yamac came to, everything was a blur. It had been a consistent characteristic of his life these days. He was just going through the motions, winging it as they say, for as long as his body and mind could, even if his organs were barely functioning at this point. The pulsing pain in his stomach disappeared, but it was replaced with a feeling of overall numbness, dissociating him further from everything around him.
"Hey!" Selim moved to his side, when he saw his eyelids flicker open.
"Hey!! I am here. Can you see me?" Selim waved a hand in front of him to catch his attention.
"Selim…" he voiced weakly.
"You are alright" Selim reassured, carding his hair. "You just got out of surgery, so you might feel a little high... they've been loading you with painkillers as well"
"Try not to move" Cumali added, rising from the chair, and grabbing some water by the side of the bed. He placed a hand under his head, and held the glass to his mouth. "Here, drink. You'll feel better"
Still in a daze, Yamac gulped down the water quickly. He had to admit that his throat was dry, and the water helped. Just then, the doctor came in, proposing to talk to them outside to tell them about the results of the latter tests. They both were heading towards the door, and about to leave, when Selim noticed Yamac slightly grimace at that.
“Do you want me to stay?” Selim offered, locking his fingers with Yamac’s, rubbing circles with his thumb on his palm.
“Yes...please” he said, clearing his throat. Yamac could feel his connection with the world weaning with the loss of contact with his brothers. Everytime they left him alone, the darkness threatened to creep back, feasting over his loneliness and self doubt. For that, he was desperate to have his brothers all the time with him these days.
Selim gave a slight nod to Cumali, who immediately understood and followed the doctor alone outside.
The night passed over the three Kocovalis quietly in the hospital, Cumali and Selim sleeping on their respective chairs on both sides of Yamac’s bed. Yamac was sleeping peacefully, thanks to the drugs and painkillers the nurses have been giving him. But sometime around midnight, Cumali and Selim woke up to a shriek. They bolted from their chairs, and threw themselves at Yamac, heavily gasping for air, and face messy with tears. Cumali thought at first that he was having a seizure, or a panic attack, but Yamac was scraping both of his hands painfully, as if he wished to tear the skin off, that conscious movement convincing Cumali otherwise.
"Are you in pain? Should we get the doctor?" Selim flooded him with questions, but Yamac was only looking at his hands, rubbing them violently.
"There is blood on my hands" he said, gasping for air, tears running down his cheeks. "I need to go clean them up" he pushed, trying to leave the bed.
"Where do you think you are going?" Cumali pressed his arm against his chest to stop him from moving.
"My hands. I need to go. Let me go!!!" Yamac continued ranting, trying to get out of Cumali's grasp.
"Yamac... Stop!!" Selim yelled, placing a hand on Cumali's forearm. "Abi, you are hurting him" he added, drawing Cumali's attention to Yamac's wound.
"Alright. Alright" Cumali eased his hold on Yamac, a thought coming to his mind. "Your hands are dirty, right?" He asked, this time stroking Yamac's chest back and forth.
"They are... They are really dirty" Yamac mouthed, eyeing solely his hands, and excluding his brothers from any eye contact, barely acknowledging their presence.
"Okay, so I am gonna get a towel and some water, and will clean them together" Cumali eyed Selim to hold Yamac still, while he headed to the bathroom. He came back with a slightly soaked towel, and wiped Yamac’s hands diligently with it, pretending there was really blood on them. “See...no more blood!” Cumali subdued him, cupping his hands in his and bringing it closer to his face to seem more persuasive. Yamac took a deep breath, and gave a slight nod, signalling his agreement with his older brother. Once appeased, his eyelids started sagging, Cumali placing a hand on his back and laying him gently back on the bed.
Selim and Cumali were left wondering what just happened after things settled down. They guessed that he wasn’t really awake, that he was in a state similar to sleepwalking. But that did not ease their fears and they still had no idea how to deal with their youngest. Cumali felt like he was living a horrible nightmare over and over again. He wished that someone would wake him up to find his father alive, next to his youngest brother, sane, safe and full of life like he had always been. The sparkling green in his eyes shining through this endless night.
However, to his dismay, he found himself waking up in the same hospital room.
Time passed in the hospital, with the brothers having not so much to talk about, and more time tending to Yamac, who proved to be a lot to deal with in his current state. The strict 'no drugs' policy proved to be a challenge for everyone. Without his psych. medicine, Yamac was simply uncontrollable, and wildly unpredictable. Just the other day, Cumali and Selim woke up to find Yamac's bed empty. They frantically looked everywhere before they noticed the steady sound of water flowing in the bathroom. Cumali smacked the door open, and froze in horror of the sight in front of him. Selim, right behind him, forced his brother aside to see for himself. He shrieked, and eyes widened when he saw his brother drowning in the bathtub filled to the brim with water and leaking onto the floor. After moments of pure terror, Selim finally amassed enough strength to go dig his brother out of the tub, and lay him on the floor. He applied CPR desperately on his chest. "It ...hasn't been...long" he mumbled between breaths, calculating that the water hasn't been running for a while, given that it hasn't covered the entire bathroom. "He is...still alive...Abi...call someone" Selim pleaded, while still pressing onto his brother's chest. Just then, a slight cough escaped the younger man's lips, drawing both of his brothers' attention to him.
"He is alive…" Cumali cried out, taking a sharp exhale, and running to Yamac's side. He lowered his face onto his chest, tracking his chest's upward and downward movement, feeling his own heart replicating the rhythm by which the younger man's chest moved.
The hospital staff were soon called to the scene, and left shortly after his condition stabilized. Cumali huddled his brother in extra blankets, brought by the nurses upon his request, making sure to fold the blanket neatly around his frail form. His hands were shaking, and Selim noticed from where he was sitting.
"Abi, he is fine now" Selim assured him, eyes sympathetic.
"I know...it's not that" Cumali confessed. "I froze...I thought he was gone...God, why did I think like that?!"
"I froze for a second, too. You were just scared of losing him...like I was" Selim stood, and approached Cumali, patting his shoulder. "You thought maybe it'll stick this time...it's not your fault"
"Ahhh...God…I don't think I can handle anymore jumpscares like that...what the hell are we going to do with him?!" they both stared at him, contemplating a way out of this dilemma. From their standing point of view, he looked too fragile, his face taking a shady blue and purple dark undertone from his earlier drowning episode.
"We take him home" Selim suggested, showing a faint smile. "We'll figure this out...like we always do"
Few more days came to be in that dreaded place until Yamac was finally discharged. The brothers settled him in the backseat, fixing his seatbelt, Cumali caressing his hair gently before moving to the other side of the car, and getting into the driver seat. But Yamac remained out of it, seemingly lost in another world, while his brothers drove him back to that terrifying place. Cumali wondered for a second if he should make a turn, leave this pit of despair for once and for all, but Selim was beside him, and Yamac behind him. There was nowhere to run, and nowhere to go but ahead. He gave up the thought, believing that it was always better to surrender to fate than fight it. Going against fate always adds a more formidable disaster to the one already in play. And, he in reality had lost his will to fight, to avenge, to kill, along with his brothers, all sitting in the car dejected, defeated and abandoned by life. But giving up on Cukur and hope was one thing, and giving up on his brother was a completely different thing. He was going to save him, despite everything, even despite the baby's own will. It was his only hope, what wakes him up in the morning, what moves him forward, what makes him return to that god awful place, Cukur, without complaints to start it all over again or maybe end it; it did not matter...what mattered was the baby living to see it all, standing beside him, Selim and Salih against it all. He was going to make damn sure of it.
The end.