Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Alfred Pennyworth has added Bruce Wayne, Dick Grayson, Jason Todd-Wayne, Tim Drake-Wayne, Duke Thomas and Damian Wayne to a group chat

Jason: what the fuck is this

Alfred: Since this is one of the rare occasions you boys are all at the manor, I thought it best to have lunch together and to ask what you would all like to eat. Miss Cassandra has already expressed to me she has no preference for what is served.

Alfred: And that would be a quarter to the jar, master Jason.

Dick: oooooh can we hav that casserole thingy you made last week

Alfred: If everyone else is in agreement, certainly.

Duke: yeah, I’m down

Damian: I want asparagus

Alfred: I believe we have some, Master Damian.

Tim: can we also have mashed potatoes?

Alfred: of course

Jason: I’ll come help

Alfred: There's no need to.

Jason: yea but I want to

Jason: gimme like, 5 mins and I’ll be down

Tim: you are the true light of my life Jay. God bless you and all that you do, you gorgeous human being

Damian: stop kissing his ass, Drake

—

Dick Grayson’ Instagram story, updated at 1:07 PM

[a short of the Wayne family dining table. All the boys and Cass are seated around it, just barely staying civil as they serve themselves the food sitting on the table. Bruce is sitting at the head, watching with a frown and a badly concealed sigh. The caption reads ‘I think Jason’s got you beat, Alf’]

10.9k views in the past hour

—

Is Jason Todd-Wayne alive? Or is Dick Grayson pulling an early April Fools prank on Gotham?

By Tom Gale, Buzzfeed Editor

100k clicks, 1078 comments

What a rousing way to pick up the start of 2020 and the new decade, am I right? Dick Grayson, one of Gotham’s favorite Waynes, making a seemingly harmlessness comment in his Instagram story, has sparked up conspiracy theories and Gothamites alike. I think Jason’s got you beat, Alf. The quote that could be heard round the world, as some are saying.

[click to read more]

—

Dick Grayson @blackandblue - 3h

It would appear I’ve done a colossal fuck up, as the kids say

56.7k likes 198.9k retweets 876 comments

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Tim Drake-Wayne @beammeupdaddy - 2h

@blackandblue uh yeah you sure as heck did

69k likes 257.9k retweets 943 comments

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Jason Todd-Wayne @iamtheaceupmysleeve- 39s

Yeah Dick I wasn't done being dead yet

—

Hey yo Jason what the fuck

Stephenie Brown sent IMessage to Jason Todd at 11:37pm

Jason Todd marked as read

--

[Part of transcript taken from a radio interview with Clark Kent]

Gale Summers: it’s been about a week since the bombshell twitter thread, and Mr. Wayne has stayed pretty radio silent—now, you’re a close family friend, are you not Mr. Kent?

Clark Kent: I am. I’ve known Bruce for, oh, gosh, close to twenty years now.

Gale Summers: My, that’s a long time. Any insider scoop for the general public on the Jason Todd-Wayne debacle?

Clark Kent: it’s a very personal family issue for them—well, issue isn’t the right word for that. But either way, it’s not my place to say anything. Bruce and his family will speak when they’re ready to. I don’t want to push them before that.

Gale Summers: very honorable of you, Mr. Kent.

--

Calling Best BF Ever💕

…

…

“Dami?”

“Jon?”

“Yeah, I’m here, what’s up?”

“Can you come over? Please?”

“...”

“Jon?”

“I’ll be there in five.”

--

Bruce: Thank you for doing that. You didn’t have to

Clark: Don’t worry about it. I know how the press can hound.

Clark: Text Diana while you’re at it. She’s worried about you.

Clark: Just text the league chat. Everyone keeps asking me if you’re alright.

Bruce: Of course

Bruce: Jon is over, in case he didn’t tell you

Clark: I figured he would be.

Bruce: Any time you want him home?

Clark: If Damian needs him to stay the night he can. Otherwise before 10.

Bruce: I’ll let him know

—

Bruce: Sorry for the radio silence. This week has been pretty hectic

Diana: I can imagine

Diana: how are you all holding up?

Bruce: Jason is getting a little stir crazy, but we’ve all been fine. I hate keeping him cooped up the manner like this

Bruce: honestly, it’s a miracle he even agreed to it

Bruce: Talia stopped by today. Damian didn’t take it very well

Diana: and how did you take it

Bruce: Not very well either

Bruce: I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be dumping all this on you

Diana: no, Bruce, it's alright

Diana: is Selina home?

Bruce: no. Not until tonight

Bruce: I’ll be fine, Diana

Diana: I’m trusting you on this

Diana: don’t hesitate to call if you need anything, alright? I’m here for you, Bruce

Bruce: I will

—

Justice League —Superman, Wonder Woman and 10+ others

Batman: I’m fine, but I won’t be back on duty for another week

Batman put chat on silent

—

Superfam 👨👩👦👦💛

Me: I’m staying with Dami tonight

Worlds best mom: is he alright? Your dad told me Talia stopped by

Kon: She did? Damn

Me: yeah, he just doesn't wanna be alone rn

Worlds best mom: well, alright. Text us when you get home tomorrow

Me: will do

Me: love you guys

Me: night

Worlds best mom: love you too

Kon: say hi to Tim for me

—

Jon sent video Snapchat to Damian

Damian opened video [a Tik Toc. It’s a video of a dog with upbeat music. Text fills the screen word by work. It reads whoever send you this wants you to know they love you]

Damian is typing…

Damian sent message

Jon opened message [im literally sitting right here. You could have just showed me]

Jon is typing …

Jon sent message

Damian opened message [it loses its impact that way]

—

Jason Todd-Wayne @iamtheaceupmysleeve - 1m

Do you have any idea how badly I want to tweet about Jane Austin rn. I have shit to say and everyone here is tired of my ranting

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Jason Todd-Wayne @iamtheaceupmysleeve - 30s

Oh shit I meant to tweet that from @kinghtofduke’s account

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Duke Thomas @knightofduke - 10s

@iamtheaceupmysleeve wft

Thread has 48k likes, 378.6k retweets, 763 comments

Barbara Gordon @yourlocalknowitall - 1h

@iamtheaceupmysleeve, @knightofduke Bruce is going to kill you two

1k likes, 589 retweets, 67 comments

--

The Daily Gothamite

Posted at 12:38pm

Bruce Wayne drops bombshell news that Jason Todd-Wayne, thought to have passed away six years ago, is alive.

Click [here] to view his full announcement.

—

[Excerpt of transcript from the Gotham Morning News]

Vicki Vale: Bruce Wayne has just announced this morning that his son, Jason Todd-Wayne, is alive. He declined to give an interview in person as of now after the video he released on his twitter, but he did leave us with this statement. He says that “As I’ve said, Jason has been back with us for about six months. We didn’t want to say anything, as Jason was still recovering from his memory loss. While he has mostly recovered, I don’t want to speak for my son and tell his story, so please be patient with us these next few weeks. We’ll come forward with the full story as soon as Jason is ready to tell it.”

Vicki Vale: this is certainly big news, but it’s also a very personal matter for Mr. Wayne and his family, and I hope we can all continue to give them the space and time they need to work through this.

—

Trends

1.Trending
#JasonTodd
90k tweets

2.Trending
#theWaynes
56k tweets

3.Trending
#Politics
30k tweets

—

Jason Todd-Wayne @iamtheaceupmysleeve - 1h

Holy shit I'm trending

l
l

Jason Todd-Wayne @iamtheaceupmysleeve - 1h

You think Alfred is proud of me?

56k likes, 146k retweets, 689 comments

Chapter Text

Jason Todd-Wayne @iamtheaceupmysleeve - 6h

I just realized that I can rant about literature on here and you have to listen to me. Buckle up kiddos it’s Jane Austin time

[view thread]

12k likes, 34.7k retweets, 659 comments

—

Jason Todd-Wayne’s (surprisingly) informational 3 AM Jane Austin twitter rant

By Tom Gale, Buzzfeed editor

245k clicks, 678 comments

The delinquent Wayne child is a literature nerd, who knew? He went into vivid detail of one of Jane Austin’s more well known novels (who would have guessed he’s read Pride and Prejudice?) giving opinions and analysis and even answering questions tweeted at him for those who shared his late night.

[click to read more]

—

Jason Todd-Wayne @iamtheaceupmysleeve - 1h

Pride and Prejudice is my favriote novel you dick head (I am a delinquent tho, can’t deny that)

34k likes, 589k retweets, 740 comments

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Tim Drake-Wayne @beammeupdaddy - 30m

@iamtheaceupmysleeve who are you talking to?

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Jason Todd-Wayne @iamtheaceupmysleeve - 29m

@beammeupdaddy everybody

14k likes, 34k retweets, 98 comments

—

Jason Todd-Wayne @iamtheaceupmysleeve -1d

I’m half tempted to not even tell you what happened to me just so I can be on a Buzzfeed Unloved Episode. I want Shane and Ryan to make fun of me

197k likes, 678k retweets, 1k comments

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Barbara Gordon @yourlocalknowitall - 1d

@iamtheaceupmysleeve Bruce will actually kill you if you do that

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Jason Todd-Wayne @iamtheaceupmysleeve - 1d

Contrary to popular believe, @yourlocalknowitall, Bruce does in fact love me. I know this, because I asked him

12k likes, 45k retweets, 674 comments

—

Does Bruce Wayne love his children? We’ve got the inside scoop!

[click to read]

89k reads

—

Jason Todd-Wayne @iamtheaceupmysleeve -1d

[attached file of the above article]
It was a joke. I was making a joke

56k likes, 167k retweets, 890 comments

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Damian Wayne @animalsarefriendsnotfood - 1d

Someone needs to take twitter away from you @iamtheaceupmysleeve

67k likes, 98k retweets, 367 comments

—

Underappreacheated squad

Steph 💜: did you know there’s thirst tweets about you

Jason ❤️: There’s what now

Steph 💜 sent screen shot

Jason ❤️: holy shit

Jason ❤️: where the fuck do I find these

Steph 💜: I’ve got a whole file saved

Steph 💜: hold on

Steph 💜 is typing…

Duke 💛: oh god Steph no

Jason ❤️: Steph yes

—

Dick Grayson @blackandblue - 30m

Now that Jason is no longer dead and my internet ban is lifted, I can share this gem with you all [video attached]

[video is a short clip of Jason singing Fly Me To The Moon]

34k likes, 69k retweets, 345 comments

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Cassandra Cain-Wayne @blackandyellow -25m

@blackandblue you saved that?

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Dick Grayson @blackandblue - 20m

@blackandyellow Jason has the voice of an angel of course I saved it

--

Jason Todd-Wayne, A Man Of Many Talents

[read full article]

--

Jason Todd-Wayne @iamtheaceupmysleeve - 1h

Just because I can read and cook and sing halfway decently and have the general powers of a Disney princess doesn’t make me a man of many talents. My ability to die and come back to life makes me a man of many talents

34k likes, 458k retweets, 897 comments

--

Damian: can I please come over this weekend

Damian: Jason is driving me insane

Damian: I don’t know who gave him a twitter, but once I find out who did I’m killing them

Jon: that seems a little drastic

Jon: killing them. Not coming over

Jon: I’d love if you came over

Jon: I have to ask mom first, since dad is off world for the weekend

Damian is calling…

…

…

“...hello?”

“Hi.”

“What’s up?”

“Nothing I just...missed your voice.”

“Awww, Dami, that’s so cute!”

“I’ll kill you if you tell anyone.”

“I know.”

--

Jason Todd-Wayne @iamtheaceupmysleeve - 9h

Since Bruce wont let me unveil my tragic backstory via Buzzfeed Unsolved (my apologies to the boys) [thread]

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Jason Todd-Wayne @iamtheaceupmysleeve

My moms a bitch (the biological one. Selina is wonderful) and cast me aside in a Shakespear worthy display of fire and that explosion i’m sure you all heard about way back when I first died. Tim likes to tell me it was on the news for weeks.

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Jason Todd-Wayne @iamtheaceupmysleeve

But surprise bitch I lived

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Jason Todd-Wayne @iamtheaceupmysleeve

I went backpacking around Africa to find myself, both literally and figuratively.

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Jason Todd-Wayne @iamtheaceupmysleeve

Jk, I spent like, 9 months in a hospital. I have enough pins and rods in my body to make metal detectors weep. Airplane travel is a nightmare.

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Jason Todd-Wayne @iamtheaceupmysleeve

Then I went backpacking around America to find myself. Took me like, 5 years, but I did it.

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Jason Todd-Wayne @iamtheaceupmysleeve

Not very exciting, but that’s the story

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Jason Todd-Wayne @iamtheaceupmysleeve

Just saying, @brucewayneoffical Shane and Ryan would have made this way more interesting

459k likes, 348k retweets, 1k comments

--

Jason Todd-Wayne and the ‘Backpacking around America’ Story

By Karen Tail

Jason Todd-Wayne has shared his story in his now famous twitter threads, but he left a lot detail out. What happened in Africa? What happened when he returned to America? Did he remember everything all at once or did it come back in pieces? We want answers just as much as we speculate on them.

[click here for full article]

786k clicks, 5000+ comments

--

Bruce Wayne @brucewayneoffical - 1h

Jason you are going to be the death of me

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Jason Todd-Wayne @iamtheaceupmysleeve - 39m

Yeah, but you love me. You have to. I called no take backs

12k likes, 49k retweets, 69 comments

Chapter Text

Jason Todd-Wayne on Vicki Vale’s Good Morning Gotham full clip

1.2 million views, 787k comments

—

[part of transcript of Good Morning Gotham interview]

Vicki Vale: well, either way it’s good to have you back Jason.

Jason Todd-Wayne: I’m glad to be back.

Vicki Vale: But I gotta ask—you got one hell of a glow up in those six years. Care to share how?

Jason Todd-Wayne: (laughs)

Jason Todd-Wayne: Just—good genes, I guess

—

Jason Todd-Wayne has come out with his full story, but that’s not what we’re talking about

By Lauren Vale, Buzzfeed editor

Jason walked out onto the set of Good Morning Gotham in a full Armani and a dazzling smile and snatched not just the heart of host Vicki Vale, but took the nation's heart with hers. He’s not the little boy we knew, not anymore. Jason got one hell of a growth spurt, and we are living for it.

[click for full article]

689k clicks, 3k comments

—

Jason Todd-Wayne @iamtheaceupmysleeve - 2d

Yes. I am taller than Bruce

79k likes, 347k retweets, 769 comments

—

Dick Grayson @blackandblue - 1d

Jason has so many thirst tweets wtf

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Stephanie Brown @spoileralert -1d

@blackandblue you’re just mad that he’s hotter than you now

134k likes, 457 retweets, 398 comments

--

Selina: how quickly can you get out of the office?

Bruce: I can leave now. Why?

Selina: Jason called

Selina: he’s having a rough time right now. Alfred and Cass are with him, but he asked me if we could come home

Bruce is calling Selina …

“Bruce, he’s okay.”

“Are you sure?”

“He told me it’s just an off day. He just wants us home to see our faces, that’s all. You know how that is--you do the same thing, babe.”

“I’ll come pick you up?”

“I’m walking to the store right now. You can come get me from there.”

“Okay. Okay—I’m leaving right now.”

“Bruce?”

“Yeah?”

“You’re a wonderful father. Don’t let anyone tell you any different.”

“...”

“Love you, Bat.”

“Love you too, Cat.”

—

Jason Todd @iamtheaceupmysleeve - 30m

I want a dog

13k likes, 29k retweets, 57 comments

--

Duke Thomas @knightofduke - 1d

We got Jason a dog

23k likes, 39k retweets, 347 comments

--

Cassandra Cain-Wayne’s Instagram page, new post at 2:47pm

[the picture is taken in the Wayne manor living room. Jason is laying on the floor, a giant dog on top of him. You can barely see him through the fur, but he’s grinning. Bruce is off to the side, holding several bags. Selina is next to him holding a stack of papers. Cassandra has captioned it as ‘Her name is Pam’]

39k likes, 467 comments

--

Duke Thomas @knightofduke - 1d

Pam isn’t even mine but I would literally kill a man for her

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Damian Wayne @animalsarefriendsnotfood - 1d

@knightofduke glad to see we finally agree on something

69k likes, 348k retweets, 589 comments

--

Kon: so

Kon: Jon’s birthday is coming up

Tim: yes it is

Kon: and Lois wants to throw him a surprise party

Tim: okay??

Tim: shouldn’t you be texting Damian???

Kon: I did

Kon: But I specifically need your help specifically in the surprise department

Tim: that’s a lot of specifics

Kon: you’re a lot of specifics 😘

Tim: I hate you

Kon: no you don’t

--

Kon has added Lois Slain, Sperm Donor, Timmy💕💕💕, Sweet Kara, and Jon’s Boyf to group chat

Kon has renamed chat Operation Scare The Crap Out Of Jon

Kon: lets get this bread

Timmy💕💕💕: I actually hate you

Kon: nah

--

Damian: I need to ask you a favor

Alfred: Of course.

Damian: I need to learn how to make a cake

Alfred: If you’re not busy, I’d be more than happy to meet you in the kitchen.

Damian: I’ll be right down

--

As the Wayne Charity Gala draws nearer, the question on everyone’s mind is will Jason be there?

The Wayne’s have gone quiet about Jason, and while it’s been a few weeks since he walked out on the Good Morning Gotham set in a full three piece and artfully styled hair (and my goodness, can we talk about that white streak, ladies? It made my heart melt), we certainly haven’t forgotten. And I, for one, am more than ready to see that three piece resurface form Jason’s closet.

We’ve seen him out and about in public since then with his service dog and his siblings in leather jackets and casual wear, but there's something about a three piece that really does it for me.

[click for full article]

8k+ comments

--

Does Jason Todd-Wayne really need a service dog?

By Tom Gale, Buzzfeed editor

Some seem to think that Jason has a need for his new service dog. Others don’t, saying that he’s taking her away from others who really need one. Those saying he needs one arguing back that physical disabilities aren’t the only reason one can have a service animal…

[click for full article]

56k clicks, 4k comments

--

Jason Todd-Wayne @iamtheaceupmysleeve - 1d

Hey, Mr. Gale?

Fuck you.

39k likes, 276k retweets, 243 comments

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Jason Todd-Wayne @iamtheaceupmysleeve - 30s

I get panic attacks. That’s why I have Pam. Now do kindly fuck off

--

Selina Kyle @ididputaringonit - 1m

Neither myself or Jason will be at tonight's Gala. Sorry to disappoint.

--

Underappreciated Squad

Duke💛: the amount of people asking about you is insane

Duke💛: I’ve been telling them to fuck off

Jason❤️: this is why you’re my favorite

--

[A phone clip shot of Bruce Wayne speaking to a reporter]

Bruce: … tonight is for donating to charity, not scrutinizing my family.

Reporter: Mr. Wayne I just want to know--

Bruce: Selina was feeling ill, and Jason just didn’t want to go. That’s all there is to it. I don’t require my family to be here.

Reporter: Yes, but--

Bruce: I’d like you to leave, Mr. Gale

--

Underappreciated squad

Steph💜: holy shit

Steph💜: Bruce just went OFF on that reporter

Duke💛: the Buzzfeed guy?

Steph 💜 sent video

Duke💛: holy shit

Jason❤️: don’t tell Bruce but I love him

Steph💜: I’m telling him

Jason❤️: STEPH NO

Jason❤️: steph I swear to god

Jason❤️: Duke what is she doing

Duke💛: talking to Bruce

Jason❤️: noooooo

Jason❤️: I can’t let him know I have feelings

Steph💜: Bruce says he loves you too

Chapter Text

Jason Todd-Wayne @iamtheaceupmysleeve - 12h

Pam makes a wonderful pillow and Thomas Pynchon is fucking awful

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Tim Drake-Wayne @beammeupdaddy -12h

@iamtheaceupmysleeve why are you still awake

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Jason Todd-Wayne @iamtheaceupmysleeve 12h

Because Pynchon pissed me off. Why are you still awake

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Tim Drake-Wayne @beammeupdaddy - 12h

I don’t have a satisfactory answer for you

67k likes, 567k retweets, 278 comments

—

Wally West @gottagofast - 1h

I just went to visit the love of my life and take him out for coffee like the good boyfriend I am and he was just eating straight up pasta sauce??

674 likes, 783 retweets, 38 comments

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Dick Grayson @blackandblue - 30m

@gottagofast I told you I had to finish it before it went bad stop calling me out like this, Wallace

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Wally West @gottagofast - 29m

I don’t care I’m still telling Alfred

8k likes, 12k retweets, 275 comments

—

Alfred: do you need food?

Dick: no Alf I’m fine I promise

Dick: don’t listen to Wally’s lies

—

Dick Grayson’s Instagram page, updated at 9:34am

[a picture of Wally sitting across from Dick. He looks a dream, with windswept hair and the sunlight making his hair look almost gold. They are at a little cafe, sitting outside. Wally is holding a paper coffee cup in one hand, the other he is holding up in mid gesture. He is smiling, looking just above the camera, presumably at Dick. The caption below is ‘what a great day to not be heterosexual’]

34k likes, 470 comments

—

We always knew Dick Grayson wasn’t straight, but what about Damian Wayne?

If you haven’t seen the pictures from last week by now, you are missing out. Damian Wayne was looking sharp in a dark green two piece all night, but that’s not what we’re looking at. He was with another boy all night, and we want to know who. Some sources say he’s the son of Clark and Lois Kent-Lane, long time friends of Bruce, but what do you think?

Either way, we caught them holding hands for most of the night.

[click for more]

48k comments

—

Damian Wayne @animalsarefriendsnotfood - 1d

Does Damian Wayne is Gay?
Yes, he does.

145k likes, 567k retweets, 1k comments

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Tim Drake-Wayne @beammeupdaddy - 1d

Aww. You memed.

39k likes, 167k retweets, 139 comments

—

Jon: did you just come out via meme

Damian: yes. I did

Jon: I don’t know if I should be proud of you or disappointed

Jon: I mean, I’m definitely proud

Jon: still a little iffy on the meme tho

Damian: I’m going to post pictures of you on my Instagram now

Jon: oh

Jon: I want to kiss you

Jon: can I fly over and kiss you?

Jon: I’m flying over

—

Jason Todd-Wayne @iamtheaceupmysleeve - 3h

Was anyone going to tell me they came out with a second Frozen movie or was I just supposed to find this out via YouTube add

9k likes, 20k retweets, 173 comments

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Jason Todd-Wayne @iamtheaceupmysleeve- 2h

WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME BABY YODA WAS A THING

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Tim Drake-Wayne @beammeupdaddy - 2h

@iamtheaceupmysleeve Why are you still awake???? It’s 2 in the morning???

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Jason Todd-Wayne @iamtheaceupmysleeve - 2h

I’m illegally downloading the Frozen movies come watch it with me

3k likes, 12k retweets, 57 comments

--

Tim Drake-Wayne @beammeupdaddy - 1h

“I relate to Elsa because I too panic at every slight notion of physical intimacy” - Jason

1k likes, 9k retweets, 36 comments

—

Jason Todd-Wayne @iamtheaceupmysleeve - 9h

I may be a raging aesexual but I would absolutely let the mandalorian rail me

18k likes, 127k retweets, 347 comments

—

Selina Kyle’s Instagram page, updated at 8:57 AM

[a picture taken from the doorway of a room. Jason and Tim are on the floor, buried in a pile of blankets and fast asleep. A laptop is in front of them, a plate and chip bags sitting by them. Pam is lying with them. Selina has captioned it with ‘I don’t know what they were doing last night but I’m glad they’re finally getting some sleep’]

48k likes, 672 comments

—

Damian Wayne’s Instagram page, updated at 12:17 PM

[a picture of Jon and Titus and Alfred the Cat. All three are sitting in Damian’s bedroom. Jon has Alfred the Cat in his lap and Titus pushed up against his side. Damian has captioned it ‘I love exactly three things’}

Dick Grayson and 34k others liked, Duke Thomas and 3,289 others commented

Duke Thomas: aw. You said the L word

--

Operation Scare The Crap Out Of Jon

Kon: distraction duty going well then, I see

Kon: you two are adorable btw

Jon’s Boyf: fuck off

--

Damian Wayne’s Instagram page, updated at 8:58 pm

[a post of several images. One is of Jon. They are in the Kent-Lane apartment, and Jon has a paper party hat on his head. He’s smiling, but he looks ready to take the hat off. Another is of Jon, Kon and Kara. They are all smushed together on the couch, and Kara is fighting Jon to get him to put the Party hat back on. Another is of Jon, Clark and Lois. It’s a candid, taken as they sit at the kitchen table. Someone is bringing a cake, but it’s impossible to tell who. The last is of Jon and Damian. They are sitting on the floor in front of a couch, curled up in a blanket. Damian has captioned it with ‘happy birthday, Jon’]

12k likes, 489 comments

—

Jon Kent-Lane @howdareyouassumeimstraight - 1m

Dami made my birthday cake, btw

--

Are all the Wayne children gay?

By Tom Gale, Buzzfeed Editor

We’ve always known about Dick Grayson’s fluid sexuality and long time friend Wally West almost as soon as he came into the public eye. But recently Jason has tweeted some suggestive things, and Damian Wayne has come out as gay. But what about the other Waynes?

[click for full article]

-

Dick Grayson @blackandblue - 1h

Hell yeah we’re all gay

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Dick Grayson @blackandblue - 1h

And Wally is my fiancé now you dumb fuck

12k likes, 23k retweets, 498 comments

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Jason Todd-Wayne @iamtheaceupmysleeve - 1h

Hell yeah stick it to the old people

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Duke Thomas @knightofduke - 1h

I’m sorry you’re engaged????? When did that happen???

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Dick Grayson @blackandblue - 1h

Uhhhh 2 minutes ago

34k likes, 78k retweets, 894 comments

Chapter Text

Cassandra Cain-Wayne’s Instagram page, updated at 4:37 pm

[a selfie of her, Alfred and Jason. They are on a couch swaddled in blankets and pillows. Both her and Jason look like a mess, and Alfred is impeccable as always. You can see Pam’s head on Jason’s lap. Cass has captioned it ‘me and Jason have been sick all weekend. Alfred has been watching Netflix with us in moral support’]

3k likes, 673 comments

—

Bruce: what flavor of Gatorade do you want?

Cass: Blue, please!

Cass: and Jason wants purple

Cass: thank you Bruce!

—

Jason Todd-Wayne @iamtheaceupmysleeve - 2m

I don’t trust anyone who doesn’t like The Great British Baking Show.
I would, however, absolutely trust Paul Hollywood with my life.
and you can quote me on that

—

Damian sent video to Jon

Jon opened video [Jason is on the couch with Alfred. They are watching the great British baking show. Every time a bake comes on screen Jason sleepily mumbles ‘can you make that for me’. Alfred respond with ‘of course’.]

Jon is typing…

Jon sent message

Damian opened message [oh my god that’s so cute]

Damian is typing…

Damian sent message

Jon opened message [I'm going to tell him you said that]

Jon is typing…

Jon sent message

Damian opened message [no please don’t he’ll actually kill me]

Damian read at 8:39 pm

—

Damian Wayne @animalsarefriendsnotfood - 3h

[clip of above video]
@iamtheaceupmysleeve you’re very needy when you’re sick

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Jason Todd-Wayne @iamtheaceupmysleeve - 3h

I won’t apologize for that

146k likes, 376k retweets, 746 comments

—

Diana: I know you wanted time away from the league, but we need you for an off world mission

Diana: Hal and Clark are negotiating a peace treaty and they need a third person. The two planets won’t cooperate otherwise, and you’re our best negoagior besides them

Bruce: why can’t you go

Bruce: you’re better at negotiation than I am

Diana: I’m meeting with the UN this week

Diana: Bruce, I would go if I could, you know that. And this is just too delicate to send anyone else

Bruce: it’s delicate and you’re sending Hal?

Diana: the Lanterns have been helping these two plants come to a ceasefire for months. They know Hal, and they won’t negotiate without him or another Lantern. And you know why can’t interfere with the corps.

Diana: Bruce, please

Diana: you can stay away as long as you need, but I just really need you for this

Bruce: fine

Bruce: I’ll call Clark

—

A year ago Bruce Wayne and Selina Kyle finally tied the knot after years of the most loving on off again relationships we’ve ever seen. The wedding was small and only for immediate family, but it was no less spectacular and we eagerly ate up the photographs. With lovely lace dresses and sharp suits, intricate flower arrangements and diamond rings, we’re still talking about it a year later. And now we have another Wayne wedding on the way.

Dick Grayson recently announced his engagement to longtime partner Wally West, and we’re already elbows deep in wedding planning.

[click for full text]

—

Wally: did you know people are arguing about what flower arrangements we’re going to have?

Dick: I did

Dick: do you prefer the poppies or the lilies or the roses?

Dick: or would you rather not have flowers?

Dick: I, personally, think we should go with poppies. They complement your eyes so well, babe

Wally: why on earth do I love you

Dick: I don’t know, but you put the ring on it

Dick: you can’t return me now

Wally: I wouldn’t ever want to

Dick: fuck

Dick: you’re gonna make my cry at work

Dick: don’t make my cry at work

Wally: I didn't say anything!

Dick: yes you did you know exactly what you said

Dick is calling Wally…

—

Jason Todd-Wayne @iamtheaceupmysleeve - 3h

We should get Alfred on the Great British Baking Show

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Duke Thomas @knightofduke - 3h

@iamtheaceupmysleeve please go the fuck to bed

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Jason Todd-Wayne @iamtheaceupmysleeve - 3h

No

37k likes, 189k retweets, 347 comments

--

Barbara Gordon @yourlocalknowitall - 1h

Bruce has been gone for two days and I’ve already had to go to the manor because the boys are being idiots

7k likes, 18k retweets, 45 comments

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Tim Drake-Wayne @beammeupdaddy - 1m

You were cheering on the peep jousting right along with us @yourlocalknowitall don’t pretend you weren't

--

Selina: is there anyway you can come home?

Bruce: what’s wrong?

Selina is calling Bruce…

…

…

“Selina? Are you alright?”

“I…”

“Selina?”

“I don’t know how...god, there’s no good way to say this, is there?”

“What’s wrong, Selina--”

“I’m pregnant.”

“...”

“Bruce--?”

“I’m coming home.”

--

Bruce: I need to leave

Bruce: get someone else to fill in for me

Clark: why? What’s going on?

Clark: Bruce?

Bruce: Selina is pregnant

Clark: oh

Clark: OH

--

The Children

Jason: uh hey why is bruce home early

Dick: I wasn’t even aware he left

Dick: I don’t live there anymore

Jason: I wasn’t asking you, dickface

Tim: you live in an apartment with stinkbugs Dick don’t brag about that

Dick: yeah but I'm about to be living with my stinkbugs AND my fiancé

Duke: I don’t know, but he’s been making out with Selina in the foyer for a few minutes and it’s kind of making me uncomfortable

Damian: poor you

Jason: you’re also not here right now so you can shut up

Jason: go cuddle with your boy toy or whatever it is you kids are calling it these days. duke you can come hang out with me and pam

Damian: bold of you to assume I can’t multitask

Dick: WHAT

Damian: Jon says hi

Cass: I can ask Bruce?

Tim: nah, you don’t interrupt him when he and Selina are doing it. Trust me on that one

Damian: can you not

Tim: can YOU not

--

Jason Todd-Wayne @iamtheaceupmysleeve - 2h

Holy shit I’m gonna be a big brother

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Tim Drake-Wayne @beammeupdaddy - 2h

@iamtheaceupmysleev you already are??

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Jason Todd-Wayne @iamtheaceupmysleeve - 2h

Yeah but now i’m gonna be a super big brother

34k likes, 567k retweets, 385 comments

Chapter Text

Jason Todd-Wayne @iamtheaceupmysleeve -3h

Who the fuck thought college was a good idea

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Tim Drake-Wayne @beammeupdaddy - 3h

You did, Mr. Jason ‘Bruce if you pay for my tuition I’ll never ask for anything ever again’ Todd

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Jason Todd-Wayne @iamtheaceupmysleeve -3h

I don’t remember saying that

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Tim Drake-Wayne @beammeupdaddy -3h

That’s okay. I recorded it

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Dick Grayson @blackandblue - 3h

Awww, @iamtheaceupmysleeve is your lit analysis essay kicking your ass?

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Jason Todd-Wayne @iamtheaceupmysleeve - 3h

@blackandblue both you and Pynchon can go fuck yourselves

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Dick Grayson @blackandblue - 3h

No thanks. I’ve got Wally for that

14k likes, 54k retweets, 194 comments

--

Jason Todd-Wayne @iamtheaceupmysleeve - 1h

Listen. Adjusting back to society is hard. But at least party in the usa still slaps

12k likes, 37k retweets, 103 comments

--

Jason Todd-Wayne @iamtheaceupmysleeve -2h

I’m glad I know Selina is pregnant. Now I can stop questioning her weird snack choices

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Jason Todd-Wayne @iamtheaceupmysleeve -2h

That night we stayed home from the gala she dragged me out at like, 11 to get a strawberry shake. Who does that?

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Duke Thomas @knightofduke -1h

You do that. You have done that to me several times

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Jason Todd-Wayne @iamtheaceupmysleeve -1h

Did I say you could call me out?

39k likes, 168k retweets, 278 comments

--

Jason Todd-Wayne @iamtheaceupmysleeve - 1h

I don’t understand why you people keep asking me but yes I have had sex yes I had sex with both a man and a woman and yes I hated it both times

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Jason Todd-Wayne @iamtheaceupmysleeve -1h

That’s not to say that I’m not down for some light smooching tho

47k likes, 648k retweets, 476 comments

—

Jason Todd-Wayne @iamtheaceupmysleeve -2h

Bruce just realized he’s never actually raised a baby despite his abundance of children

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Jason Todd-Wayne @iamtheaceupmysleeve - 2h

I just realized Bruce has never raised a baby

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Jason Todd-Wayne @iamtheaceupmysleeve - 2h

Oh. Oh Selina, I am so sorry

12k likes, 24k retweets, 378 comments

—

Jason Todd-Wayne @iamtheaceupmysleeve - 1h

What if
And hear me out
What if
I got a teaching degree

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Damian Wayne @animalsarefriendsnotfood -1h

@iamtheaceupmysleeve why would you do that

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Jason Todd-Wayne @iamtheaceupmysleeve - 1h

What else am I supposed to do with an English degree Damian

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Jason Todd-Wayne @iamtheaceupmysleeve - 1h

And come home already it’s been like a week I’m tired of listening to Bruce panic about being a dad again

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Damian Wayne @animalsarefriendsnotfood - 1h

Why do you think I’m at Jon’s?

145k likes, 473k retweets, 489 comments

-

Jason Todd-Wayne @iamtheaceupmysleeve - 3h

I keep a ranking of my siblings from favorite to least favorite. This weeks ranking is as follows

1.Cass
2.Duke
3.Damian
4.Tim
5.The fetus in Selina
6.Dick

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Dick Grayson @blackandblue - 2h

What???? Why??????

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Jason Todd-Wayne @iamtheaceupmysleeve - 2h

You didn’t share your McDonalds fries with me @blackandblue

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Dick Grayson @blackandblue - 2h

Because I bought you your own??

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Jason Todd-Wayne @iamtheaceupmysleeve - 2h

Still didn’t share

27k likes, 486k retweets, 579 comments

--

Jason Todd-Wayne @iamtheaceupmysleeve -2m

I’ve done it. I am now majoring in english ed
Pam and I are gonna be such bomb ass teachers

--

Jason Todd-Wayne @iamtheaceupmysleeve -1h

I’m sorry Tim has a tik toc account that’s just me singing? Excuse you Tim that is Plagiarism and I am going to Sue

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Tim Drake-Wayne @beammeupdaddy -30m

I asked you. You said yes. You were half asleep. But you said yes.
We call that a binding verbal contract in the biz

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Jason Todd-Wayne @iamtheaceupmysleeve -25m

Don’t speak law to me you high school dropout

45k likes, 378k retweets, 276 comments

--

Jason Todd-Wayne @iamtheaceupmysleeve -1m

Why the FUCK is it snowing I have to WORK TONIGHT

--

Jason Todd-Wayne @iamtheaceupmysleeve -1h

There is two fetuses in Selina holy shit

24k likes, 574k retweets, 683 comments

Chapter Text

Tim Drake-Wayne @beammeupdaddy - 1h

Did you guys know Damian listens to country music

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Tim Drake-Wayne @beammeupdaddy - 1h

@animalsarefriendsnotfood I’ve been hearing Hunter Hays coming from your room for the past hour and I know for a fact Jon isn’t here

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Duke Thomas @knightofduke - 1h

Awwww he listens to country music because his boyfriend does

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Damian Wayne @animalsarefriendsnotfoos - 1h

@beammeupdady, @knightofduke I will kill both of you

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Bruce Wayne @brucewayneoffical -1m

Damian don’t kill your brothers

37k likes, 347k retweets, 238 comments

—

Conner Kent @flyboi - 39s

@beammeupdaddy okay but why do you know who Hunter Hays is

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Tim Drake-Wayne @beammeupdaddy - 1s

That’s none of your goddamn business

--

Bruce: I’m on my way home. Do you want me to get anything?

Selina: strawberry shake?

Selina: Jason wants one too

Selina: love you Bat

--

Cassandra Cain-Wayne’s Instagram story, updated at 7:48pm

[A video of Dick and Jason. Jason is sprawled across the couch with a milkshake in hand and Pam lying across his chest. Dick is flipping through a binder that, if you squint, has wedding plans written on it in cursive.

“Just make Mama Mia Your first dance.” Jason says. He takes a very loud sip from his milkshake. “Everyone loves ABBA.”

Dick snaps his head up. “No. Absolutely not. Wally would kill me.”

“I’ll sing at the wedding if you do.” Jason counters.

Dick goes silent, and you can hear Wally yell from off camera “Richard John Grayson don’t you ever dare think about it!” Dick loses his thoughtful look and looks incredibly sheepish. Cassandra has put a text bubble over the video that says “my brothers are idiots but I love them”]

456k views

—

Jason Todd-Wayne @iamtheaceupmysleeve - 5d

If this gets a million likes Damian has to dye his hair pink

1.6m likes, 987k retweets, 1763 comments

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Jason Todd-Wayne @iamtheaceupmysleeve - 1m

@animalsarefriendsnotfood hey guess what bitch

—

The Complete Fam

First Middle Child: hey B I need you to pick up some bleach and pink hair dye

Batdad🦇: Can I ask why?

The Baby™️: No

The Baby™️: and Jon is coming over

First Middle Child: me and Cass are there to chaperone

The Favorite: 😊

First Middle Child: there will be no canoodling in this household

The Baby™️: Jason I swear to god

New Recruit: wait you’re actually doing it????

The Eldest: PICS!!!!!!!!

Batdad🦇: Whatever you’re going to do, don’t make a mess

Batdad🦇: Selina and I are going out tonight and Alfred is not going to babysit you all

—

Tim Drake-Wayne’s Snapchat Story

[the first video is of Jason. He’s in the kitchen, taking a plastic bag from Bruce before darting back off. Tim has captioned it ‘and so it begins’

The second video is taken in one of the sitting rooms. Damian is on the floor in front of one of the couches. Jon is next to him, and Jason is on the couch sitting behind Damian. He is looking over a set of instructions, then tosses them away. Tim pans the camera to Cass, who is sitting next to him, nodding along as Cass signs. “Oh yeah, he’s totally gonna fuck it up” Tim agrees.

The third video is of Jon washing Damian’s hair out in the sink. It’s looking incredibly blond.

The forth video begins with Damian sitting back in front of the couch with a towel over his head. Jason is talking to himself, saying ‘yeah, we should bleach it again. We’ll let your hair air dry but—I mean, it shouldn’t fuck it up—and anyway, I bought this for a reason.’ He taps a black container that looks like it came from Lush. Damian looks back at Jason and asks ‘why do you know so much about this?’ Jason responds with ‘you really think my hair is naturally black?’

The fifth update is a picture of Jon throwing a towel over Damian’s head. Tim has captioned it ‘the second bleaching is finished’

The sixth update is another picture. All you can make out is a pair of gloves hands covered in pink.

The seventh update is another video. Damian’s hair is a vibrant pink, and Jon is running his fingers through it. ‘I think you look very cute, Dami.’ Jon says]

—

Dick sent photo

Dick: I can’t believe Jason actually got him to do it

Wally: awwww Damian looks adorable

—

The Complete Cam

First Middle Child sent photo

First Middle Child: My greatest masterpiece

—

FaceTime call between you and Best BF Ever💕

“I really do like it, Dami. And you need a break from superheroing.”

“Jon--”

“Come on it’ll be like, what, two, three months before it fades?”

“...I guess it’s not all bad.”

“Of course it’s not. You look cute. Cute is good. I like my man to be cute every once in a while.”

“Jesus Christ…”

“I do have to get to bed, though. Pa wants to drive down to Grandma and Grandpa’s.”

“The absolute horror of it.”

“It is! Not only do I have to sit in a car with Kon for two days, but I’ll have to rely on crappy internet connection all week! How will I be able to talk to you?”

“I’m sure you’ll manage.”

“Uh huh. Love you too.”

“Good Night, Jon.”

“Night, Dami.”

Call ended

Call time, 1 hour and 47 minutes

--

Jon Kent-Lane’s Instagram page, updated at 5:48am

[A photo of Jon and Damian. They are standing outside an apartment complex. It’s still dark out, but the light of the street lamp and the building itself provides ample lighting. Damian has a hand on Jon’s side and Jon has his own hand on Damian’s shoulder. Jon has captioned it ‘he came to say goodbye ❤]

278 likes, 14 comments

--

Jon: I miss you!!!!!

Damian: you just left

Jon: I still miss you

--

Rachel: so

Damian: so what

Rachel: how are we liking the new hair?

Damian: I

Damian: don’t hate it

Rachel: awww look at my little gay grow

Damian: I hate you

--

Haven’t seen Damian Wayne’s new hair yet? No worries! We’ve got all the pictures compiled for you!

Click [here] to view

--

Barbara Gordon @yourlocalknowitall - 2h

Wait. @iamtheaceupmysleeve if you dye your hair black, does that mean you willingly leave the white streak alone?

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Tim Drake-Wayne @beammeupdaddy - 2h

@yourlocalknowitall, @iamtheaceupmysleeve he thinks it makes him look cool

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Jason Todd-Wayne @iamtheaceupmysleeve -1h

It does make me look cool excuse you

12k likes, 24k retweets, 237 comments

--

Damian: where are you?

Dick: i’m in Central rn

Dick: Y

Damian: can you get Wally to run you here?

Dick: I can ask

Dick: why do u need me there?

Damian: Talia’s here

Dick: oh

Dick: fuck

Dick: I”ll be right there

Chapter Text

Jason: go get your coat we’re leaving

Jason: Get Damian and meet me at the front door in 5

Dick: k

—

Outgoing call to Best BF Ever 💕

“—I just don’t see why she needs to—she’s not my—ugh!”

“I know, Dami, I—if I could come get you I would.”

“Could you? I know you’re—wait, hold on…”

“...”

“...”

“...”

“...sorry, Jon, I need to—Dick says Jason’s enforcing a mandatory Waffle House trip.”

“Course. Just—text me, okay?”

“I will. I promise.”

“I love you, Dami.”

“...love you too, Jon.”

Call time, 44 minutes.

—

Wally: is everything okay?

Dick: not really

Dick: Talia stopped by

Dick: Bruce Dami and Jay were the only ones home at least but I don’t think I’m gonna be home tonight

Dick: I’m sorry

Wally: Your brothers are more important than me, babe, don’t be sorry

Wally: stay as long as you need to, okay?

Dick: god I love you

—

Underappreciated squad

Jason❤️: give me a reason I shouldn’t commit murder right now

Duke💛: because it’s illegal???

Steph💜: no baking shows in prison

Jason❤️: thank you Steph

--

The Children

Dick: we’re at Waffle House rn

Dick: Talia is being awful and Jason is trying not to commit murder so

Dick: feel free to join

Cass: Steph and I are on our way already

--

Damian has 4 missed calls from Talia al Guhl

Damian has 3 new voice messages

--

Underappreciated squad

Jason❤️: I need a better reason to not commit murder

Jason❤️: Talia keeps calling Damian and I am this close to going back to the manor

Steph💜: no Alfred in prison

Jason❤️: Aflred can visit

Duke💛: um

Duke💛: you can’t keep Pam in prison?

Jason❤️: well shit

--

Jon: are you doing okay?

Damian: kind of

Damian: she keeps calling

Jon: oh no

Jon: i’m sorry Dami

Damian: it’s not your fault

Damian: could you FaceTime tonight?

Jon: of course

Jon: I’m gonna facetime the heck out of you

Damian: don’t phrase it like that

—

Underapreacheated squad

Jason❤️: I took the battery out of Damian’s phone

Duke💛: you took

Duke💛: the battery

Duke💛: out of a smartphone

Steph💜: he smashed the phone

Jason❤️: I smashed the phone

--

Tim: Jason broke Damian’s phone

Tim: Tell Jon that’s why he's not replying

Kon: I,,,

Kon: can I ask why

Tim: because he’s a dumbass who forgot power buttons exist

--

The Complete Fam

Batdad🦇: where are you all at?

Second Middle Child: Waffle House

Second Middle Child: the one on 37th

Batdad🦇: Selina and I will be there in 10 minutes

Second Middle Child: cool

First Middle Child: also Damian needs a new phone

Batdad🦇: why?

Batdad🦇: no, nevermind. I don’t want to know.

New Recrute: Jason broke it

First Middle Child: throw me under the bus why don’t you

--

Daniell Wilds @kudosifyougetmyrefrence - 1h

I just saw the entire Wayne family at a waffle house? And it’s like, 11 at night?

I mean, same, but like? Why???

67 likes, 25 retweets, 5 comments

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Jason Todd-Wayne @iamtheaceupmysleeve - 2m

Because we had a shitty day, Daniell

Chapter Text

Tim Drake- Wayne @beammeupdaddy - 30m

It’s blanket fort time

437 likes, 789 retweets, 57 comments

—

Duke Thomas’ Instagram story, updated at 11:57 PM

[a video taken in the Wayne manor living room. Alfred is stringing up a blanket across a couch and a few chairs. It is clearly the roof of a fort, and it looks perfect. Cass is helping him by holding one end of the blanket. Duke has captioned it ‘okay but why is Alfred so good at this’]

[a second video follows. Dick is holding up the end of a blanket, pointing at a pillow on the other side of the room.

“Can you hand me the—“ Dick says, snapping his fingers. “The—what’s the word—“

He says something in Romani, and Duke says from off camera “the pillow?”

“Yes!” Dick yells.]

—

Wally: I love when you forget English

Dick: thanks

Dick: wait

Wally: Check Duke’s Instagram story

—

Tim Drake-Wayne’s Instagram story, updated at 12:06 AM

[a video in the Wayne Manor kitchen. Jason is by the stove, pouring a kind of batter in a pan. He’s singing ‘whistle while you work’. Tim has captioned it ‘somebody make this man the next Snow White’]

—

Selina Kyle’s Instagram story, updated at 12:07 AM

[its a photo of Bruce. He’s in a Wayne Tech hoodie and a pea coat and he’s wearing his glasses instead of his contacts. He’s wearing a knitted hat that’s rainbow colored. He’s looking down at his phone, a Walmart basket in hand. The basket is full of snack food and sodas. Selina has added a caption of ‘getting snacks for the kids’]

—

Jason Todd-Wayne @iamtheaceupmysleeve - 30m

Can you believe Damian has never seen a single Barbie movie? We’re going to fix this immediately

378 likes, 450 retweets, 109 comments

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Jason Todd-Wayne @iamtheaceupmysleeve - 30m

[poll]
What do we start with?

Princess and the pauper - 39%
Swan lake - 37%
12 dancing princesses - 15%
Rapunzel - 9%

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Jason Todd-Wayne @iamtheaceupmysleeve - 1m

The people have spoken

—

The Complete Fam

Mama: is there anything else you guys want before we come back?

The Eldest: I don’t think so

First Middle Child: honey

First Middle Child: i used the last of it

First Middle Child: thanks

--

Cassandra Cain-Wayne’s Instagram page updated at 1:28 AM

[a photo of Jason, Alfred and Damian in the kitchen. Jason is holding a pan of pastries. Pam is sitting by him, very clearly begging. Damian has snatched one already, and Alfred is inspecting them, although he looks pleased with what he sees. Jason himself is smiling. Cass has captioned it ‘Jason made Baklava from Dami ❤️]

1.6k likes, 359 comments

--

Duke Thomas @knightofduke - 1m

Jason made Baklava and it’s actually the best thing ever

--

Dick: its really not fair how good Jason is at baking

Wally: I’m sure he’d be more than happy to teach you, babe

Dick: no

Dick: it takes away the magic of it

Wally: of course

Dick is calling Wally…

…

…

“Dick? Is everything okay?”

Yeah! Yeah, everything is fine, sweetheart. We’re doing better, I just--I just wanted to hear your voice for a sec.”

“What’s going on, babe?”

“I don’t know, Walls, I’m just--I’m still angry. She--I didn’t hear everything she said but I caught a bit before Jay took us out and she was--fuck, she was yelling at Bruce for making Dami soft and I--God, what the fuck is wrong with that? He’s just a kid and he shouldn’t--I mean, he’s sixteen but that’s still--still...ugh, I can’t think of the word but I shouldn’t be dumping all this on you anyway.”

“Dump away. I’ve got the entire night open.”

“Ha, yeah...I just--she was mad that Dami was dating Jon, Wally. That he was dating a boy.”

“Shit--”

“I know, it’s—and I don’t even want to know what’s going to happen when she finds out Selina’s pregnant.”

“Talia isn’t your problem, Dick. Bruce will handle her.”

“I know, but—I hate seeing Dami like this and I don’t know what to do—“

“You’re already doing what you need to do. You’re there for him—and Jason too. God, this probably isn’t any better for him either but—but that’s all you need to do, babe. Just be there for them.”

“...”

“Dick?”

“I love you so much, Wally, have I ever told you that?”

“You did this morning.”

“Good, good I—Jay’s yelling at me, I gotta go.”

“Okay—I love you, Dick.”

“I love you too, Walls.”

“Try and get some sleep tonight, okay?”

“I’ll do my best, but I make no promises—give me five seconds, Jason!”

“Bye, babe. Don’t let Jason kill you.”

“Good night, sweetheart—Jesus Christ, Jay—!”

Call Ended

Call Time 19 minutes, 38 seconds

—

Wally West @gottagofast - 2m

Pray for my fiancé ya’ll I think he just got tackled by his brother

—

Dick Grayson @blackandblue - 1m

Jason just TACKLED me I was OUTSIDE on the PORCH talking to the LOVE of my LIFE

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Tim Drake-Wayne @beammeupdaddy - 30s

Lmao rip

|
|

Duke Thomas @knightofduke 30s

Was that what that thump was?

|
|

Jason Todd-Wayne @iamtheaceupmysleeve 30s

We have Barbie movies to watch and a baby brother to cheer up Dickolas

|
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Bruce Wayne @brucewayneoffical 30s

You live in the same house why are you communication through twitter

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Jason Todd-Wayne @iamtheaceupmysleeve 2s

It's a big house

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Dick Grayson @blackandblue 2s

It's a big house

Chapter Text

Tim Drake-Wayne @beammeupdaddy - 1h

I don’t think we actually slept last night but Damian insisted on getting a new phone so here we are

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Tim Drake-Wayne @beammeupdaddy - 1h

I’m so sorry Miss Verizon employee for coming in right as you open

|
|

Conner Kent @flyboi - 1h

@beammeupdaddy You didn’t have to go

|
|

Tim Drake-Wayne @beammeupdaddy - 1h

Watching Bruce trying to navigate a Real Life Store is the funniest thing I’ve ever seen and I refuse to miss it

1k likes, 2.7k retweets, 378 comments

—

Underappreciated Squad

Steph💜: why you looking at your phone so much Jason

Jason❤️: why you still here Stephine

Steph💜: you're making pancakes I’m not leaving

Duke💛: she also wants to stare at Cass

Steph💜: that too

Jason❤️: then stare at her not me

Steph💜: hmmmmm

—

Tim Drake-Wayne @beammeupdaddy - 45m

Miss Verizon employee just asked if we ran over Dami’s phone with a car

|
|

Tim Drake-Wayne @beammeupdaddy - 45m

Dami told her “no my brother threw it on the floor of a Waffle House”

|
|

Tim Drake-Wayne @beammeupdaddy - 45m

omg Bruce just did the “excuse me” dad thing

|
|

Tim Drake-Wayne @beammeupdaddy - 45m

@iamtheaceupmysleeve Bruce just took out his phone I think you’re about to die

1.4k likes, 3.7k retweets, 375 comments

—

Bruce: you broke Damian’s phone on purpose?

Jason: Talia wouldn’t stop calling him

Jason: I panicked

Jason: I’ll make you extra pancakes

—

Tim Drake-Wayne @beammeupdaddy - 40m

Bruce just let out the deepest sigh I have ever heard

2k likes, 3.6k retweets, 472 comments

—

Clark: Jon told me Talia stopped by last night

Clark: are you okay, Bruce?

Bruce: the kids are fine. Jason got everyone out before she could really say anything to them

Clark: that’s great, but I wasn’t asking about the kids

Bruce: I’m fine, Clark

Clark: are you?

Clark: because I will come back if you need me to

Bruce: I am, I promise. You don’t need to cut your visit short

Bruce: Diana is stopping by today, if that makes you feel any better

Clark: it does, actually

Clark: just let me know if you need anything okay?

Bruce: I will

--

The Wild Wild West 🤠

Jaylad: Dick is blasting Ed Sheeran songs in MY kitchen

Jaylad: while I’m trying to make PANCAKES

Battle Axe Bandit: I don’t know who that is

Shooty McShootson: you like Ed Sheeran Jason

Shooty McShootson: I’ve listened to your spotify playlist

Jason’s favorite: ???

Space Princess: I’m also not familiar with Ed Sheeran

Jaylad set video

Jaylad: educate yourselves

--

Roy: did you actually send thinking out loud

Roy: holy shit dude just ask her out

Jason: no

Jason: she scares me

Roy: what

Jason: like how Kori scares you

Roy: oh

Roy: understandable

--

Duke Thomas @knightofduke - 2m

I did NOT expect to be greeted with Ed Sheeran this morning but here we are I guess

|
|

Dick Grayson @blackandblue - 1m

I’m trying to pick a song for my first dance leave me alone Duke

|
|

Barbara Gordon @yourlocalknowitall - 1m

@blackandblue so you’re going with Ed Sheeran?

|
|

Dick Grayson @blackandblue - 1m

@yourlocalknowitall I will revoke your best woman privileges

|
|

Barbara Gordon @yourlocalknowitall -1m

You wouldn’t dare

|
|

Dick Grayson @blackandblue -1m

You’re right I wouldn’t

--

Wally: are you really looking at Ed Sheeran songs for our first dance?

Dick: yes

Dick: shut up

Dick: you like Ed Sheeran

--

Tim Drake-Wayne @beammeupdaddy - 1h

Bruce does not understand how Starbucks works good lord

|
|

Tim Drake-Wayne @beammeupdaddy -1h

He does have one hell of a sweet tooth tho

|
|

Tim Drake-Wayne @beammeupdaddy - 1h

Both he and Dami got Vanilla Bean Fraps and I’m sitting over here with my black coffee two shots of espresso not knowing how to feel about this

1.3k likes, 1.5k retweets, 278 comments

--

The Wild Wild West 🤠

Battle Axe Bandit: I actually really enjoy this song, Jason

--

Jason: AHHHHHHHHHHH

Roy: you're fucking hopeless

--

The Wild Wild West 🤠

Jaylad: It’s a good song Arty

Jaylad: I’ll send you more

--

Underappreacheated Squad

Steph💜: your face just got very red Jason

Jason❤️: It’s because I’m dying

Steph💜: oh

Steph💜: well carry on then

Duke💛: what is wrong with you two

--

Damian: I’ve got a new phone

Jon: oh thank god

Jon: I’ve missed you

Jon: how are you doing????

Jon: are you alright??????

Damian: I missed you too

--

Damian Wayne has 5 new voicemails

Damian Wayne has deleted 5 voicemails

Chapter Text

Bruce Wayne makes an announcement on the Wayne-Kyle babies, and Dick Grayson drops new wedding details

It’s been an exciting week, hasn’t it? Bruce Wayne has announced that the twins are a boy and a girl, and Dick Grayson has discussed on his twitter thoughts of flower arrangements and a song for his first dance.

Join us as we dive into possible baby names and first dance songs and the merritts between roses and carnations.

[click for full article]

5.8k comments

--

Dick Grayson @blackandblue - 2d

I don’t care what anyone says if I want sunflowers at my wedding there will be sunflowers

4.9k likes, 8.9k retweets, 348 comments

|
|

Dick Grayson @blackandblue - 2d

I will also have an Ed Sheeren song as my first dance song if I so desire

4.8k likes, 7.1k retweets, 398 comments

--

Jason Todd-Wayne @iamtheaceupmysleeve - 2d

Dick is making me sing Ed Sheeren as his wedding

7.8k likes, 8.9k retweets, 467 comments

—

Underappreciated squad

Jason❤️: What are y'all doing

Steph💜: I’m about to pop in for lunch with Cass

Duke💛: watching prince of Egypt

Jason❤️: cool

Jason❤️: Duke, I’m crashing

Jason❤️: Steph, find us after you’re done being gay with my sister

—

Selina: I’m thinking Helena

Bruce: Helena?

Selina: it’s cute

Bruce: have you thought of other names?

Selina: have you?

Bruce: Terrance?

Selina: Terrance

Bruce: Terry. For short

Bruce: Lucias is yelling at me to get of my phone, hold on

Selina: I’m going to revoke your naming privileges

—

Jason: I need

Jason: advice

Damian: advice.

Jason: yes

Jason: Steph is useless and Duke doesn't understand relationships and since I refuse to ask Dick, you’re my next best option

Damian: dare I even ask?

Jason: how did you ask Jon out

Jason: …

Jason: Dami

Jason: Damian this is urgent

Jason: please don’t make me ask Dick

Damian: what the hell

—

Outgoing facetime to Best BF Ever💕

…

…

…

“Hey—“

“Jason Just asked me for relationship advice.”

“What?

“Jason Just asked me for relationship advice, Jon. Jason.”

“I—no offense, Dami, and i love you with all my heart, but you’re the last person who should be giving out relationship advice.”

“I know.”

“I can hear your phone going off.”

“I know.”

—

Cass: Jason. Just tell her. Ask her to walk with you and then tell her.

Jason: did Steph tell you

Cass: no.

Cass: you’re just very obvious about it.

Jason: fuck

—

The Children

Cass: we are not going to follow Jason, yes?

Jason: hell yes we are not following Jason

Tim: you take the fun out of everything

Dick: y r we following Jason?

Jason: WE ARE NOT FOLLOWING JASON

Damian: I don’t want anything to do with this

Damian: I’m still traumatized that you asked me for relationship advice

Jason: well who else was I going to ask

Cass: Jason put your phone away.

Dick: OH

Dick: UR ASKING OUT ARTEMIS

Duke: you’re a little slow on the uptake today Dick

Dick: I’m just trying 2 b supportive

Dick: y u gotta call me out like that

Damian: why do you have to text like a middle schooler?

Tim: oooooo roasted

Dick: I h8 all of u

Dick: except u Cass

Dick: ur the only 1 I love

Cass:😊

Tim: hold on wait backtrack

Tim: Jason asked DAMIAN for relationship advice

Damian: unfortunately

Tim: wait

Tim: backtrack further

Tim: how did you and Jon even get together????

Dick: yeah u just announced u and Jon were a thing 1 day how did that even happen

Damian: we were on patrol, he told me he liked me, then he kissed me. End of story

Duke: I wasn’t actually expecting you to answer

Duke: but that’s adorable

Dick: AWWWWWWWW

Damian: I hate all of you

Tim: I wonder how Jason is doing

Jason: Jason would be doing better if you stop BLOWING UP MY PHONE

—

Selina: I like Terry, actually

Bruce: you do?

Selina: it grew on me

--

Dick Grayson @blackandblue - 13m

Since I’m not allowed to follow Jason on his date, I’ve decided to bug him via twitter instead

|
|

Dick Grayson @blackandblue - 12m

@iamtheaceupmysleeve is going to sing Ed Sheeran’s Perfect for me and Wally’s first dance

|
|

Dick Grayson @blackandblue - 12m

Go spam my brother for me, twitter

145 likes, 349 retweets, 58 comments

--

Jason Todd-Wayne’s Snapchat story, updated at 12:49 pm

[the photo is taken at a park. It’s a close up of a woman with bright red hair pulled back in a braid lying on the ground in the grass, laughing as Pam licks at her face. Jason has added a caption of ‘wow can you believe these beautiful women actually like me?’]

Chapter Text

Dick Grayson @blackandblue - 2h

Can ya’ll believe @animalsarefriendsnotfood and @blackandyellow have never watched Avatar???? Can’t believe I’m pretend related to these two

|
|

Dick Grayson @blackandblue - 2h

Good thing it’s on Netflix

|
|

Jon Kent-Lane @howdareyouassumeimstraight - 2h

DAMI’S WHAT????

12.1k likes, 14.7k retweets, 478 comments

—

Best BF Ever💕 is calling

…

…

…

“Hello—“

“You’ve never seen avatar?”

“No—“

“I’m coming over.”

“Jon, what--?”

Call ended

Call time, 19 seconds

—

The Children

Duke: did Jon just fly in through a window or did i imagine that

Dick: no he did

Cass: he’s going to watch Avatar with us

Duke: oh shit

Duke: wait for me I’m coming down

—

Jason Todd-Wayne @iamtheaceupmysleeve - 1h

@blackandblue You’re watching avatar without me?? I Have Never Felt So Betrayed

|
|

Dick Grayson @blackandblue - 1h

It’s not my fault you’re on a date

|
|

Jason Todd-Wayne @iamtheaceupmysleeve - 30m

Fuck you

|
|

Damian Wayne @animalsarefriendsnotfood - 30m

@iamtheaceupmysleeve pay attention to your date

|
|

Jason Todd-Wayne @iamtheaceupmysleeve - 30m

@animalsarefriendsnotfood pay attention to avatar

|
|

Jason Todd-Wayne @iamtheaceupmysleeve - 30m

@animalsarefriendsnotfood ten bucks say you get a crush on Sokka

9k likes, 12k retweets, 328 comments

—

The Complete Fam

Batdad🦇: where is everyone

Batlur: we are all in the family room, sir, watching Avatar: The Last Airbender

Batdad🦇: I see

Batdad🦇: all of you?

The Eldest: Jason’s on a date

The Baby™️: and Jon is here

The Favorite: and Steph

Batdad🦇: …

Batdad🦇: I see

—

Jason Todd-Wayne’s Instagram page, updated at 2:37 PM

[a selfie of him and Artemis. They’re sitting on a park bench. Jason has a pair of sunglasses perched on his head, and Artemis’ hair is piled atop her head in a messy bun. Jason’s pressing a kiss to Artemis’ cheek. She looks surprised by it, but happy. Pam’s nose is visible in the corner of the picture. Jason has captioned it ‘spending the day with my two favorite ladies more than makes up for missing the first season of the greatest show ever’]

Stephenie Brown and 369 others commented

Stephenie Brown: why are you this way

Jason Todd: you love me this way

Stephenie Brown: Unfortunately

—

Jason Todd-Wayne @iamtheaceupmysleeve - 1s

Guess who's ten bucks richer and crashed the avatar party

--

The Children

Jason: GUYS

Jason: AUNT KATE IS COMING OVER

Dick: WAT

Cass: when?

Dick: I HAVEN'T SEEN HER IN 4EVER

Damian: oh sweet. She can meet Jon

Dick: Jon stayed the night????

Jason: at like, 3ish

Jason: you can probably make it from Bludhaven in time if you wanna see her

Duke: Jon always stays the night, Dick, you know this

Dick: Dami, we r coming back 2 this l8ter

Damian: absolutely not

Jason: Artemis stayed the night

Dick: yeah but I no u 2 aren’t gonna do the do

Jason: I hate you

Damian: I hate you

Cass: Steph stays the night as well

Dick: what does that have 2 do with it

Cass: we’ve been dating for the past three months, Dick

Dick: WAT

Tim: did you

Tim: did you not know

Dick: NO

Dick: WAT THE FUCK

Jason: oooo Dick said a bad word

Dick: DID BRUCE KNOW????

Cass: dad was the first one I told

Dick: I

Dick: hold on

—

Dick: did you know Cass and Steph are dating????

Wally: …

Wally: babe.

—

Incoming call from Kate Kane

…

…

“Hello?”

“Hey, Brucie! I’m heading out right now—should be there in about an hour.”

“Alright. I might not be home when you get there, but the kids will be there.”

“Wonderful! See you soon!”

Call Ended

—

Dick: when do you get out of work?

Wally: uh, in like half an hour

Wally: but I’m also on call for the night for csi

Wally: so are you, for that matter. We’re on the same squad

Dick: okay but

Dick: our favriote lesbian wine aunt is visiting the manor

Wally: understandable

Wally: I’ll run us over if we get called in

--

The Wild Wild West 🤠

Jaylad: I forgot

Jaylad: That it was t-shot day

Shooty McShootson: rip

Space Princess: do you need me to come over?

Jaylad: nah I’ll ask Alfred to help

Jaylad: thanks tho

--

Jason Todd-Wayne @iamtheaceupmysleeve -1m

Alfred is terrifyingly accurate with a needle and I’m almost afraid to ask why and how

|
|

Barbara Gordon @yourlocalknowitall - 30s

Alfred is terrifyingly accurate at everything, Jason. You know this

|
|

Jason Todd-Wayne @iamtheaceupmysleeve - 30s

Okay but he didn’t even L O O K. man just stabbed my leg and asked if I needed a little wall calendar to remember my testosterone shots

|
|

Jason Todd-Wayne @iamtheaceupmysleeve - 30s

I would both die and kill for this man I hope he knows that

--

Tim Drake-Wayne’s snapchat story, upateded at 3:01 PM

[a very shaky video taken in the front foyer of the Wayne manor. The door opens, and before anyone can see who has entered Jason, Dick and Cass are jumping them in a tight hug. Duke and Damian are quick to follow, and Alfred can be seen off to the side. Tim has captioned it ‘the lesbian wine aunt has arrived my dudes’.]

Chapter Text

Tim Drake-Wayne @beammeupdaddy - 9h

Do you ever just,,,want to say fuck it and run off and start a farm

12.8k likes, 27.3 retweets, 369 comments

|
|

Dick Grayson @blackandblue - 2h

@beammeupdaddy how long have you been playing stardew valley???

|
|

Tim Drake-Wayne @beammeupdaddy - 2h

At least 12 hours. Why

|
|

Conner Kent @flyboi - 1h

@beammeupdaddy I’ll run away with you and start a farm

|
|

Tim Drake-Wayne @beammeupdaddy - 1h

You already live on a farm it doesn’t count

17.1k likes, 29k retweets, 361 comments

—

The Complete Fam

The Eldest: can Someone that’s home take Tim’s switch from him pls

Second Middle Child: ha jokes on you I have stardew on my phone

The Baby™️: and his laptop

Second Middle Child: damn gay

The Eldest: what

First Middle Child: ashfisk damn gay??

New Recrute: it’s because he’s not straight

Batdad🦇: it is two in the morning and I know for a fact that Tim isn’t on patrol

Second Middle Child: what’s your point

Batdad🦇: my point is go to bed

Batdad🦇: you’re supposed to be catching up on sleep

Second Middle Child: okay but

Second Middle Child: I am t h i s close to marrying the virtual love of my life

Batlur: Master Timmothy, it would put me at ease if you would set your gaming console down and at least attempted to sleep.

First Middle Child: you just got called out

Batlur: That goes for you as well, Master Jason

Second Middle Child: HA

Second Middle Child: get recked scrub

—

--

Is Dick Grayson a legitimate Wayne? And does it matter anyway in the wake of his upcoming marriage to Wally West?

[click to read more]

5k+ clicks

--

Bludhaven PD’s Power couple

By Ally Grace, Buzzfeed Editor

With Dick Grayson and Wally West’s wedding only a few weeks away, we thought to give you a bit of a glimpse into what their life is like outside of the Wayne family circle (Dick has, after all, been separated from the family for some time).

Now, I know we all know that Dick is a homicide detective on the Bludhaven police force (how could we not? We all remember the fallout with Bruce over that), but not many of us are aware that Dick’s fiancé is on the forensics team (I would love to believe that’s how they met. There’s something romantic in it, don’t you think?). They work together a lot, and together they have one of the highest solved crime rates of the entire Bludhaven police department. Crime solving boyfriends? Sign me up.

[click for full article]

—

Damian: [sent link]

Damian: what does she mean you're separated from the family?

Dick: it doesn’t mean anything, Dami

Dick: i’m going to have Wally run me over

Dick: sit tight

--

Dick Grayson is calling Wally West

…

…

…

“Dick?”

“Hey, I’m sorry, I know you’re out with Barry but I--can you run me over to Gotham?”

“Yeah, babe, of course. Give me five seconds and I’ll be there.”

“Thanks--”

Call Ended

--

Dick Grayson’s Family Drama: The In and Out’s of the Wayne’s

By Tom Gale, Buzzfeed Editor

The recent questions surrounding Dick’s Grayson’s family issues has been a long time coming. We know, of course, that Dick was never fully adopted into the Wayne family, not like Bruce’s other children.

But what does this mean for him? And does any of this even matter after his marriage?

[click for more]

9k+ clicks, 3k comments

--

Ongoing call between Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson

“It just--I thought everyone was past this, Bruce--”

“I know--”

“I--ugh! I can’t think of the word but it--argh!”

“I can call a press conference, Dick.”

“No, that’s okay--it might make it worse, honestly, but thank you.”

“...is there anything I can do to help?”

“I--no, I can handle it. I should handle it. If you tried to do it for me it might just make this whole thing worse.”

“I suppose you’re right.”

“God, I hate being right.”

“Here, I’ll give you Vicky’s number. I’d probably be best if you go through someone, and Vicky’s been dealing with us long enough to handle it.”

“She deserves a raise, B.”

“I’ll make sure she gets one.”

Call continued between Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson

--

The Differences between Adopted and Fostered, and why Dick Grayson isn’t a Wayne

[click for more]

--

Dick Grayson is calling Vicky Vale

…

…

…

“Vale.”

“Hi, uh, it’s me. Dick. Grayson.”

“I was wondering when you were gonna call.”

“You--you were?”

“Give me a time and a place and I’ll be there.”

“Uh, tomorrow? Noon? At the Butternut cafe?”

“Done and done.”

Call Ended

--

Jason Todd-Wayne @iamtheaceupmysleeve - 1h

Do I need to throw hands? Because I will throw these hands. And my girlfriend will NOT be happy about it.

1k likes, 4.7k retweets, 228 comments

|
|

Cassandra Cain-Wayne @blackandyellow - 30m

I will also throw hands

|
|

Stephenie Brown @spoileralert - 29m

And your girlfriend will be significantly more happy about it

978 likes, 1.4k retweets, 178 comments

--

[part 2 of Vicky Vale’s tape recording of an interview with Dick Grayson]

Dick Grayson: I honestly can’t believe I have to clear this up. It’s been, what, fifteen years?

Vicky Vale: [laughing] god, has it really been that long?

Dick Grayson: ‘fraid so.

Vicky Vale: Wow. I still remember little ten year old you.

Dick Grayson: [laughing] God, yeah...I don’t even remember being ten.

Vicky Vale: I don’t think any of us do. But, to get us back on track--

Dick Grayson: Right, yeah. So I guess to make a long story short, Bruce didn’t adopt me because I didn’t want him to. He fostered me, absolutely, but never adopted.

Vicky Vale: Can you say more about that? Why you didn’t want to be adopted?

Dick Grayson: I didn’t want to because, at the time, it had seemed almost like...like a betrayal, I guess. The folks at the circus were my family just as much as my actual parents had been, and I had thought at the time that if Bruce were to officially adopt me that it might--take me away from that? I’m not really sure how to phrase it--

Vicky Vale: No, I understand. You still had people you considered family, and Bruce wasn’t close enough to you yet to fall into that.

Dick Grayson: Right, exactly.

Vicky Vale: You could have changed your mind down the road. Why didn’t you?

Dick Grayson: Honestly? By the time I thought of making it “official” I just didn’t really want to bother with it. Bruce was my family--I didn’t need a paper that said it.

Vicky Vale: even after you fallout?

Dick Grayson: [laughing] yeah, even after the fallout. But I mean, what eighteen year old doesn’t fight with their dads?

Vicky Vale: True, true.

Dick Grayson: We made up. That’s all I really care about, honestly. I try to visit the manor every two weeks, but it took...it took a lot to get there, but we did it.

Vicky Vale: You didn’t come back until after Jason disappeared, right?

Dick Grayson: Yeah...but hey, I got him back too. I got my family back, and I don’t need a stupid legal process to tell me there my family. Family is...family is people you decide on, not something you let blood pick for you.

Vicky Vale: That...that’s really sweet, Dick.

Dick Grayson: I mean, I am going through a stupid legal process to have Wally as my family, but that’s more for the tax benefits than anything else. And I end up in the hospital a lot. I honestly get way too many concussions for being a detective.

Vicky Vale: It’s all part of the job, I suppose--would you mind telling me a bit about Wally?

Dick Grayson: oh! Of course--I know you want like, personality details but holy crap his eyes are so pretty, Vicky--

[end of recorded transcript part 2]

--

Dick Grayson Sets Us Straight: “Family is people you decide on, not something you let blood pick for you”

By Angelica Lounds

Dicky Grayson had an interview with Vicky Vale, and not only did he clear the air about his non adoption, he also made us all cry with how strongly and vocally he loves his family. Family is people you decide on, he told us, and we couldn’t agree more.

[click for more]

548k clicks, 289k comments

Chapter Text

[Video of Dick Grasyon and Wally West’s wedding — Clips]

--

“Will you—give me that—“ the camera is yanked from Stephanie’s hand. Jason’s face is briefly seen as he takes it—he has a hairband keeping his bangs back and he’s still in his pajamas. Barbara snorts and laughs from somewhere off camera while Jason brings it back into focus. “You keep waving the damn thing around—“

“I’m excited, Jason.” Stephanie says. “Sue me for being excited.”

“You and what money?”

Stephanie smacks Jason. The camera jostles a little more before Barbara takes it and throws open Dick’s bedroom door. “Good morning, dickface! Ready to get married?”

Dick’s room is too dark to see into, but the thud of his falling out of the bed is quite audible.

—

“You’re up early.”

Wally stumbles into the kitchen, and he blinks at Cassandra—who is recording—before turning to greet Alfred. “Yeah, I uh...too excited to sleep.”

Alfred steps away from the stove to pour a cup of coffee. He mixes in a few spoonfuls of sugar, then hands it to Wally before going back to flip the pancakes he was making. “Master Bruce was much the same way when he married Miss Kyle.”

“Really?” Wally settles in next to the stove, leaning against the counter and holding the coffee mug with both hands.

“Indeed.” Alfred answers as Cassandra tilts the camera so she’s in frame as well. Alfred the Cat jumps up on the table, and Cassandra scoops him up. “Master Bruce was just as nervous as he was excited. He threw up the morning of the wedding, if I recall correctly.”

Wally snorts and Cassandra’s shoulders shake in a silent laugh.

“Bruce did what?” Jason comes bursting into the kitchen, Pam following after him with a wagging tail. Dick and Barbara follow.

“Good Morning!” Stephanie pops into view of the camera and kisses Cassandra’s cheek.

“How come she gets to kiss her girlfriend?” Dick whines. He tries to pull away to Wally, but Barbara has a solid hold on him.

“Because she’s not getting married.” Barbara answers. She pushes Dick forward. “Keep moving, dickie bird.”

“Wally, my love—remember me!” Dick reaches out a hand to Wally as he is pushed past. Wally snickers and takes a sip from his coffee. “Remember me in your dreams!”

“Why are you always so dramatic?” Damian’s voice comes from somewhere off camera.

—

“Hey, Clark,” Bruce opens the front door of the manor, happily accepting the hug Clark gives him.

Lois comes in next, heading towards Selina, who is standing just a little ways off. Jon comes darting in and immediately goes towards the kitchen. Kara follows, holding hands with a beautiful woman--Lana Luther.

“Lana, Kara—“ Bruce greets them both, giving Kara a brief hug, then Lana. “It’s good to see you two.” Then he turns back to Clark, who has stepped outside to grab a few boxes and bags. “Where’s Kon?”

“He’s been here since last night.” Clark answers. He sets his armload down, then steps outside for more.

Bruce blinks.

Selian and Lois laugh. Duke, who is holding the camera, snorts.

—

Tim comes stumbling into the kitchen in basketball shorts and a shirt that is clearly not his, his hair tied back in an awful messy bun. Kon follows after him.

“I didn’t know you were here already.” Stephanie looks at Kon, then narrows her eyes. “Why are you here already?”

Kon huffs. “Am I not allowed to have a fuck buddy?”

“Jesus—Kon, thats gross!” Jon throws a piece of bread at him. Kon dodges it.

Alfred pluckes it from the air without looking away from the stove, and Wally cackles.

—

“I miss Wally.” Dick whines.

“You’ll see him in a few hours.” Barbara says.

Dick groans and throws himself over her lap. “That’s too many hours.”

--

Jason is standing on the back of a shopping cart, holding a pack of strawberries in one hand and a bag of chocolate chips in the other. He is mumbling something that the camera can’t pick up. Pam is sitting in the cart, tail wagging and tongue lolling, and Artemis is standing next to him, looking at the camera with raised eyebrows.

She looks very much like she just rolled out of bed. Her hair is tied up in a messy bun, and she’s in compression shorts and one of Jason’s university sweaters. It’s just small enough on her that you can see a bit of her stomach.

Kori comes into view, looking very similar to Artemis. She deposits a bag of sugar into the cart, then pats Pam’s head.

Pam licks her hand.

Roy sighes from behind the camera. “Jesus christ--it’s been twenty minutes, Jay. Just pick already!”

“It’s a wedding cake, Roy.” Jason shoots back. “It has to be perfect.”

“Just make it a chocolate strawberry cake.” Artemis says. “That’s a thing you people eat, right?”

Jason blinks, then looks up at Artemis.

“You’re a goddamn genius.” he says, then kisses her. He is only able to do so without having to stand on his tiptoes because he is on the cart.

The camera shuffles a bit, and then Roy asks “Where’d Bizzaro go?”

--

“Do you think we can sneak away for a bit?” Jon asks.

Damian looks up from his cup of coffee. He is still at the kitchen table, as is Jon, Cassandra and Setphanie. Wally has since been dragged away by Lois. “Why?”

“Because I haven’t seen you in weeks,” Jon throws himself across the table. “And I really wanna kiss you.”

“Really? Right in front of my salad?” Stephanie shrieks.

Damian glares at her, cheeks pink. “I hate you.”

“Should you not be recording the setup in the garden?” Alfred asks.

“Oh shi--”

--

Wally is sitting on the bed in a spare bedroom. There is no other way to describe what he’s doing besides pouting.

“I was okay with the whole no seeing each other thing--” Wally glares at the camera. “--right up until you took my phone.”

“Not talking to each other is part of not seeing each other.” Tim says from behind the camera.

“Sucks to suck.” Kon says, also from off camera.

—

“Richard John Grayson!”

Dick, who is back in his bedroom and has his hand on the door handle, freezes.

“Where the hell do you think you’re going?” Barbara comes onto screen, and Duke snorts from behind the camera.

—

Pam barks, then comes skidding into the kitchen. Her leash is still attached to her collar. She sits at Alfred’s feet and looks up at him and boofs softly. Her tail swishes back and forth slowly, then speeds up when Alfred looks at her.

Alfred gives her the piece of bacon he was going to put on the plate, pats her head, then goes back to cooking.

“I’m back!” Jason announces. He comes bursting into the kitchen with several paper bags in his arms.

Artemis, Kori, Roy and Bizzaro come trailing in after him.

Jason sets his bags down on the counter, then looks at the camera. “Aren’t you supposed to be in the garden?”

Stephanie huffs, then the camera is lifted and taken from the kitchen.

--

The garden looks like a mess.

Barry and Clark are sitting in a pile of cloth and pipes--a tent, which has not been set up and may not ever be set up. Bruce is standing by them, flipping through an instruction manual. Diana walks past them to where rows of tables are set up, carrying a stack of chairs in each arm.

Stephanie gasps as she walks by. “God I’m gay.”

--

“Here, try this.”

Jason holds out a wooden spoon to Artemis, who is perched up on the counter. She takes the spoon and licks a bit of the batter off.

“It’s good,” she says, then eats some more batter.

Jason grins, and Alfred is smiling at the both of them.

“You wanna try some too, Cass?” Jason asks.

The camera gets set down on the table, and then Cassandra comes into view. She takes the offered spoon from Artemis and tries some, then grins and gives Jason a thumbs up.

--

The camera has been set down in the grass, but is still in full view of the tent. Stephanie has joined Bruce, Barry and Clark.

“This isn’t that hard,” she says, taking the instructions from Bruce and tossing them over her shoulder. “You just gotta--Clark, hand me that pipe--”

Clark does so without question, and Diana laughs from somewhere off camera.

--

“Duke, can I get married yet?”

“No.”

Kori laughs as Dick huffs.

--

“Where have you two been?” Jason askes.

Damian glares at him, then takes Jon’s hand and tugs him back out of the kitchen right as the timer goes off. Jason puts on a pair of floral oven mitts and gently nudges Pam away from the oven door.

--

The tent is set up.

Diana is cackling.

--

“How did you--?” Artemis shakes her head, then reaches out to cradle Jason’s cheeks between her hands. She wipes away a smear of frosting on Jason’s cheek.

“Decorating cakes is a messy business.” Jason answers.

Artemis shakes her head again, then leans forward to kiss him.

The cake, meanwhile, sits on the kitchen table, frosted all in white, except for the red and blue flowers.

--

Wally’s suit is a red so dark that it looks nearly black. When the light hits it just right you can see the red shine. Both the undershirt and tie are black, but the flower he has tucked into his breast pocket is a bright blue carnation.

He is sitting in front of the vanity, and Iris is styling his hair into something a bit more manageable.

She’s also tearing up.

“Don’t you dare cry,” Wally sniffs. The camera zooms in, and Wally looks as teary eyed as his aunt. “Because then I’ll cry.”

“I can’t help it--my baby is getting married.” Iris smiles, then pulls Wally into a hug.

She’s definitely crying, but no one says anything.

--

Dick’s suit is just as dark as Wally’s, but his has a blue shine to it instead of Wally’s red. His undershirt and tie and black as well, but the carnation tucked in his breast pocket is bright red.

Bruce is absolutely crying, and he’s making no move to hide it.

Selina is humming something soft as she smooths out the nonexistent wrinkles in Dick’s suit jacket, and she takes a moment to straighten the carnation before pulling back.

“You look beautiful,” she says quietly.

A sniff sounds from behind the camera.

Dick looks up and tilts his head. “Are you two crying?”

“Yes.” Duke says.

“Shut up.” Barbara says.

--

Dick is definitely crying now.

“I--shoot,” Dick sniffs, and Wally laughs quietly. “Okay--Wally, Wallace--sweetheart.” Dick takes a deep breath. “I have known you for most of my life, and I’m pretty sure I’ve loved you for most of my life too. I don’t even know when I fell in love with you because I’ve loved you that long and I--I never actually thought I’d get here, ya know?” Dick laughs quietly. “But I did get here, and I want to stay here. I want to wake up with you and fall asleep with you and cook you breakfast and dinner and dance with you in the kitchen to dumb songs every single day for the rest of my life.”

Wally is crying now too, and he squeezes Dick’s hands.

“I want to be there when you’re sad and happy and angry and everything in between. I want to be there for everything because I love you, and I’m never gonna stop.” Dick finished.

“Dick--” Wally let out a breathless little laugh, then ducked forward until his forhead was gently pressed against’s Dick’s. “I knew I was gonna marry you the second I met you, ya know? I told my aunt that I was gonna marry you when I was thirteen and I was right. And I have never been so happy to be right.” Wally swallows before continuing. “I promise you that we’re gonna wake up together and fall asleep together, and when you don’t want to cook I’ll cook and we’ll always dance in the kitchen to thoes dumb songs you like. I'll be there for you when you’re sad and happy and angry and I’ll be there for everything else.” Wally grins. “I’ll be there for you for anything and everything, even if you just need me to open the jelly jar for you.”

Dick laughs.

“I love you, Dick Grayson. So, so much.” Wally says this softer than everything else.

“Are there any objections to this union, before we continue?” Alfred asks, and is met with silence. “Then I am proud to pronounce you husband and husband.”

Dick and Wally kiss before Alfred can say the line.

--

The garden is washed in the soft amber glow of the fairy lights. Night has fallen, and Dick and Wally are holding each other close as they gently sway to a soft song that Jason is singing.

Cause we were just kids when we fell in love
Not knowing what it was
I will not give you up this time
Darling just kiss me slow, your heart is all I own
And in your eyes you’re holding mine

Chapter Text

Jason is calling extra tall with a side of beef 💗🥰

…

…

“Jason? are you alright?”

“Yeah, I’m fine, Arty—so I forgot I had an analysis essay due tomorrow for my horror novel class and I’m just gonna rant at you for a hot sec—“

“...”

“Babe?”

“Go ahead.”

“Okay, so like, the idea of a self created fear is like, a huge topic in a lot of early horror novels, right? It’s glaringly obvious in Frankenstein and Jekyll and Hyde—and I know you’ve never read any of those but just pretend you have—but Frankenstein literally creates the thing he’s afraid of and Jekyll kinda did the same thing? Granted, they both did what the did in pursuit of making the world better—well, maybe a little less in Frankensteins case but—oh, fuck, hold on wait—“

“...”

“...”

“...Jason?”

“Fuck! Okay, got it—-uhhhh….there. Masque of the Red Death—That’s a self created horror that’s been influenced by the outside—but then you could argue that Jekyll and Frankenstein’s horrors were also influenced by their environment and social worlds—got it!”

“You...got what?”

“My essay topic! Thanks for listening to my nonsense.”

“I love listening to your nonsense.”

“Aww. You’re so sweet.”

“Go write your essay, Jason.”

“Yes, dear.”

Call ended.

—

Duke Thomas @knightofduke - 3h

Jason just came into the kitchen mumbling about social classes and “Jekyll is the real motherfucker” and I’m,,,a little concerned? [thread]

|
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Duke Thomas @knightofduke - 3h

I would be less concerned if it wasn’t 4 in the morning

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Duke Thomas @knightofduke - 3h

He’s making Mac and cheese. I don’t think he knows I’m here

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Duke Thomas @knightofduke - 3h

He’s been mumbling this entire time and he just stopped in the middle of a word. He’s staring at the back splash. I’m pretty sure he hadn’t blinked

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Duke Thomas @knightofduke - 3h

Fuck is he a lizard person? Is that why he’s not blinking?

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Duke Thomas @knightofduke - 3h

Jason just yelled ‘haunted houses’ and ran out of the kitchen. He left his mac and cheese cooking on the stove and if he doesn’t come back in the next 15m I’m legally obligated to eat it

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Duke Thomas @knightofduke - 3h

He came back for it

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Stephanie Brown @spoileralert - 1h

Jason I understand but @knightofduke why are you awake at 4 in the morning

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Duke Thomas @knightofduke - 17m

I wanted shredded cheese

3.2k likes, 6.9k retweets, 379 comments

—

It’s been a week since the Grayson-West wedding, and we’re now getting pictures!

The ceremony was small and held on the grounds of Wayne Manor, although there were plenty of family friends. We saw the Lane-Kent’s (and a lovely Lana Luther as Kara Kent’s plus one), police commissioner Jim Gordon (his daughter was Dick’s best woman, if you recall), as well as Ms. Diana Prince! It was a small guest list to be sure, but it was no less extravagant.

And the venue, oh lord, the venue!

The garden was washed in fairy lights and lanterns, the makeshift altar covered in vines and flowers—well, I certainly can’t do it justice with my descriptions…

[click here for more]

—

Damian: we should go on a date tomorrow

Jon: I am

Jon: sifting right next to you???

Jon: we are on patrol??????

Damian: That doesn’t hinder your ability to answer my question

Jon: I mean, yes, we should

Jon: I’m always down for dates

Jon: where you wanna go?

Damian: there’s a boba shop I’ve been wanting to try

Jon: I’ve never had boba, actually

Damian: now we’re definitely going

Damian: just come home with me after patrol and stay the night. We’ll make a day out of it

Jon: awwww you sure know how to sweet talk me

Jon: Damian get off your phone you’re on patrol

Damian: yes father

—

Barbara Gordon @yourlocalknowitall - 1h

@knightofduke did you ever figure out what Jason was doing?

|
|

Duke Thomas @knightofduke - 1h

I think he was writing an essay? He came back downstairs with a stack of papers and ran out the door

—

Damian sent Snapchat to Rachel

Rachel opened Snapchat from Damian

Rachel is typing…

Rachel sent message to Damian

Damian opened message from Rachel

[Keep the jacket and shirt, but put on your ripped skinny jeans]

Damian is typing…

Damian sent message to Rachel

Rachel opened message from Damian

[thanks]

Rachel is typing…

Rachel sent message to Damian

Damian opened message from Rachel

[have fun on your date😘]

—

Cassandra Cain-Wayne updated her Instagram story at 11:43 AM

[a picture of Damian. He is standing in the kitchen of Wayne manor, holding Alfred the cat far away from him. He’s wearing a faded denim jacket over a black shirt. His jeans are the same faded denim as his jacket, and they've been cuffed just above his ankle. He’s wearing bright yellow converse and his hair, despite being dyed months ago, is still a soft pink. He looks to be in the middle of giving a lecture to Alfred the cat. Cass has added text over the picture that says what a dapper man🥰]

—

Jon Kent-Lane’s snapchat story

[a close up photo of Damian. His cheeks are nearly the same color as his hair, but he’s smiling. Jon has captioned it date day with my favorite boy]

[another photo of Damian. He’s crouching outside the window to a pet store, cooing at an orange cat that is pressed up against the window. Jon has captioned it we got sidetracked]

--

Underappreciated squad

Jason❤️: did I just see Damian and Jon downtown or am I hallucinating

Duke💛: yes you did

Duke💛: they’re on a date

Jason❤️: oh

Steph💜: how did your essay go

Jason❤️: you know what I cranked out twelve pages in twelve hours I’d say pretty damn good

Jason❤️: I don’t remember what I wrote

--

Jon Kent-Lane’s snapchat story

[a video of Jon sitting at a table outside of a little restaurant. Damian is taking the video. Jon gives him a smile, then takes a sip of the boba tea in hand. He is silent for a moment, then he frowns and looks at Damian.

“It’s chewy.” he says.

Damian laughs.]

[another video, hours apart from the last. It is of the same orange cat that Damian was looking at earlier, except this time they’re inside the store and Jon is cooing and petting it. Damian can be faintly heard off camera asking about adoption fees.]

--

Jon is calling Best Mom Ever…

…

…

“Hello?”

“Mom I have a cat.”

“...what?”

“Dami bought me a cat.”

“...”

“His name is Pumpkin and he’s orange and he only has one ear and he’s two years old and I love him.”

--

Jon Kent-Lane’s snapchat story

[a photo of Pumpkin. He is curled up on a blanket, asleep]

Chapter Text

The Complete Fam

New Recruit: so um

New Recruit: I’m home alone with Selina

New Recruit: and babies are coming

New Recruit: like right now

First Middle Child: HOLY FUCK

Second Middle Child: oh that’s not good

—

Outgoing call from Selina to Bruce

…

…

…

“Im—“

“Bruce, my water just broke.”

“I—fuck—I know—I’m gonna call Clark and bolt and—Alfred is on his way back to the manor—where’s Duke?”

“He’s right here with me.”

“Good, that's—are you okay?”

“I’ve been worse.”

“...”

“Yes, bat, I’m fine. I’m just going into labor.”

“...you’re being sarcastic, so I’m going to assume you’re not fine.”

“No, I’m okay, really—I just...would like you here.”

“I know, cat. I’m coming, I promise.”

“I know.”

—

The Complete Fam

The Eldest: BABIES????

Second Middle Child: wait

Second Middle Child: wasn’t Alfred staying home this week because babies were due??

New Recruit: yes but he had to go grocery shopping because SOME people keep bringing their not boyfriends over

New Recruit: and I offered to do it for him but he very kindly told me to fuck off which is valid because I don’t understand grocery shopping

First Middle Child: no one understands grocery shopping it’s okay

Second Middle Child: you dare call me out

Second Middle Child: in this here Christian Minecraft server

The Eldest: GUYS

The Eldest: BABIES

—

Bruce is calling Clark…

…

…

“Hello?”

“Selina just went into labor. I need to leave. Find someone else to fill in for me at the meeting.”

“Oh. OH! Yeah—yes—go, get out of here. I’ll figure something out—“

Call Ended

—

Jason: I’m coming to get you

Damian: why

Damian: oh

Jason: Just head to the office I’ll call the school in a sec

Jason: I’m gonna swing by and get Cass and Steph first, but I should be there in like, 10 min

Damian: it's a 20 minute drive to my school

Jason: it is if you follow the speed limit

--

The Complete Fam

New Recruit: we’re on our way to the hospital just meet us there

--

Kon: I’m taking Tim to the hospital

Kon: You wanna tag along

Jon: Conner I’m In School

Kon: Doesn’t Answer My Question, Jonathan

Jon: i mean, yeah

Kon: great! Mom already called and I’m already here

Kon: get in the car loser

--

Jason: im here

Jason: and look at that. We still have time for mcdonalds

Damian: can I get a vanilla shake

Jason: of course you can im not some heathen Damian

Jason: now get in the car I can see you

--

The Complete Fam

The Eldest: me and wally r on duty 4 the nite

The Eldest: we’ll swing by wen wr off

Second Middle Child: and you were so excited too

Second Middle Child: sucks to suck I guess

First Middle Child: anyone want mcdonalds

Second Middle Child: oooo I do!

Second Middle Child: large fries!

Batdad🦇: Jason your mother is in labor

First Middle Child: she can still have a strawberry shake in labor

Mama: thank you Jason

Second Middle Child: can Kon also have large fries

First Middle Child: no

New Recruit: Alfred and I would like chocolate shakes

First Middle Child: of course

First Middle Child: Bruce?

Batdad🦇: chocolate shake. Large

--

Jon: could you also get me a chocolate shake?

Damian: I already did

Jon: you’re the best

Jon: I love you

Jon: I would both kill and die for you

Damian: please do not do that

Stephanie Brown updated her Instagram story at 12:03pm

[a photo of three separate drink carriers, all holding McDonalds shakes. There is also a large McDonalds bag next to it. Pam is sniffing them, and Jason can be seen just in the corner of the shot, reaching for a shake. Steph has captioned it gotta make that pre hospital mcdonalds stop]

--

Cassandra Cain-Wayne updated her Instagram story at 12:30pm

[a shaky photo, taken in a hospital. Everyone is waiting outside a room, but Jason is the only one going in, pam happily following after him. Cass has captioned it Jason is the only one allowed in because he has the food]

--

Damian Wayne @animalsarefriendsnotfood - 3h

This is a callout post @beammeupdaddy stop making out with your not boyfriend in the hospital waiting room. This is not an episode of grey's anatomy

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Tim Drake-Wayne @beammeupdaddy - 3h

@animalsarefriendsnotfood I will not hesitate to slaughter you

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Damian Wayne @animalsarefriendsnotfood - 3h

You can try

12.4k likes, 16.7k retweets, 278 comments

--

Tim Drake-Wayne @beammeupdaddy -1h

This is a callout post @animalsarefriendsnotfood stop cuddling with your boyfriend in the hospital waiting room

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Damian Wayne @animalsarefriendsnotfood -1h

I will punch you in the throat

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Tim Drake-Wayne @beammeupdaddy -1h

You can’t even reach my throat

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Duke Thomas @knightofduke -1h

Ya’ll are LITERALLY sitting right next to each other

12k likes, 14k retweets, 387 comments

--

Cassandra Cain-Wayne updated her Instagram story at 7:07pm

[a video that, while fairly good quality, is still difficult to make out. Bruce comes out of the room looking equal parts tired, excited, and frightened. He says something about a c-section, and then everyone jumps up and starts excitedly talking over each other. The video ends before any words can be deciphered]

--

Dick: hey Babs did u hear about the BABIES

Barbara: yes I did hear about the babies

Barbara: but since all of you are there right now Dad and I are gonna wait to visit until tomorrow

Dick: im not there right now

Barbara: everyone except you then

Dick: ☹️

--

Bruce Wayne updated his Instagram page at 9:38pm

[a picture of Selina. She is in a hospital bed, looking exhausted. But she is still smiling. She has two babies resting against her chest, each one swaddled in a white blanket and wearing matching yellow hats. Bruce has captioned it I’m so glad to finally meet Helena and Terry]

589k likes, 10k comments

Chapter Text

A YouTube video titled ‘Wayne Family Tic Tok’s to cure your depression’

[the video opens up to face a wall. After some muffled curses and fumbling the camera flips to Tim’s face. His hair is a mess, and he huffs and puffs before pulling it back out of his face.

“It’s like...three in the morning and I can’t sleep but—“ Tim starts talking, then pauses for a moment. “—I hear Jason singing.”

He suddenly jerks into motion, and the camera goes dark for a moment. When it comes back the camera is flipped again, showing the view of a nursery. It is too dark to make out much, but Jason is in plain view. He is in a rocking chair, holding Terry and quietly humming.

“Hey—hey Jason—“ Tim’s voice is a harsh whisper.

“What?” Jason’s voice is at full volume.

“Can you sing me to sleep too?” Tim asks.

Jason Levels him with a blank look. The camera goes dark again for a moment, and when it comes back Tim has climbed into the chair with Jason and Terry, and Jason is singing Despacito.]

—

[Dick is staring blankly into the camera. His hair is wet and plastered to his cheeks and he’s not wearing a shirt—he’s in a bathroom, and you can clearly tell that he just got out of the shower.

“Duke has informed me,” he starts. “That ya’ll have started a challenge of walking in front of your partner naked.”

The camera goes black for a moment, and when it starts again Dick has moved to the kitchen, where Wally is leaning against the counter and talking on the phone.

“Yeah, no, it’s—“ Wally stops mid sentence when Dick clears his throat. Wally stares for a moment. “...I’m gonna—-fuck, Dick, get the hell back in the shower—“

Dick laughs. “Only if you come with me.”

“Of fucking course I am what the hell do you take me for—“]

—

[“Bruce I have a very important question.” Tim has the camera pointed at Bruce, who is sitting at his desk in his study. There are papers scattered everywhere and Bruce looks to be very lost in thought, but he still gives Tim all his attention when he comes into the office.

“Yes?” Bruce asks. He takes his reading glasses off.

“Would you still love me if I was a worm?”

There is a moment of silence, and then Bruce lets out a long sigh.

“Would you still love me?” Tim sounds a little frantic. “Bruce I need to know if you would still love me—“”

“Unfortunately.”]

—

[its not clear who’s recording, but the video is of Damian and Jon. They are sitting on the floor in front of the television, playing Minecraft.

“I still don’t understand the point of this game.” Damian says.

“The point is that you’re having fun playing virtual house with your boyfriend.” Jon answers. “No go out and find me some sand.”

Damian doesn’t argue.]

—

[“Hey Alfred, what are we making today?” Steph points the camera to Alfred. He’s in the kitchen, standing in front of the stove with various ingredients laid out on the counter.

“Cookies.” Alfred replies.

“Are they the world famous Pennyworth oatmeal raisin cookies?" Steph askes. "The ones that men have both killed and died for?”

“I’m afraid not.” Alfred says. “These are just chocolate chip cookies.”

“Will we ever get to learn how to make the penny worth oatmeal raisin cookies?”

“Master Jason and Miss Gordon know.”

There is a moment of silence.

“That’s blatant favoritism Alfred.” Steph says. “I thought you were better than that.”

Alfred smiles. “I would love to teach the rest of you, but they are the only ones who can navigate a kitchen without setting something on fire.”

“...yeah, I can’t argue with that.]

—

[the video opens to Duke’s face. He blinks, then flips the camera to Jason. Jason is laying on the couch with Pam. He’s not paying attention, and is instead texting someone on his phone.

“You know what we don’t talk enough about?” Duke says.

“What?” Jason grunts out the word.

“That Red Hood had a thing with Black Mask for a hot second.”

Jason blinks, then shoots up. “Who the fu—“

The camera cuts out.]

—

[Cass is sitting on the floor, strumming out chores on her guitar. Damian sits next to her playing his viola in a softer tone as to not drown out Cass’s playing. Jason is lying on the floor with Pam, singing a vaguely familiar song. It’s a very informal music session, but that doesn’t take away from how good the three of them sound.

“What are you singing?” Duke asks at the same time Steph blurts out “fuck dude you still listen to Breaking Benjamin?”

Jason stops singing and sits up to look at Steph.

“Fuck dude you still listen to Justin Bieber?” He shoots back.

Tim, who was recording, snorts as Steph chucks a pillow at Jason.]

—

The Children

Tim: I’m sorry Jason had a thing with Black Mask????

Dick: wow jay

Jason: okay but at least I didn’t sleep with Slade Wilson

Tim: WHAT

Duke: I,,,explain

Dick: I got drunk n we fucked

Duke: that does not clear things up

Duke: were you like,,,of age??

Dick: jeez yes! I was like,,,20 something? Idk, me n Wally had broken up n I was sad and Slade was r8gt there

Jason: I completely forgot you and Wally had broken up for a hot second

Duke: you were sad and lonely, so you fucked a mercenary who could kill you with one hand

Dick: I got drunk first

Cass: wow. I didn’t know you could get with someone who wasn’t a redhead

Jason: HA

Duke: wait how long were you and Wally broken up for??

Dick: like 3 months

Tim: can we please get back to the Jason and Black Mask thing

Tim: how did that even work

Jason: we just cuddled a lot. Did some light making out on the occasion

Tim: he doesn’t have a face

Jason: and you don't have a spleen

Dick: did u do the pillow talk thing

Tim: does Artemis know???

Jason: yes Artemis knows. I was still technically with him when I met her and she thought it was the funniest shit

Cass: was he respectful of your boundaries?

Jason: yeah

Duke: that surprising

Tim: I am shocked and delighted to learn of this information

Tim: I will never let you live this down

Jason: it lasted like, a month

Tim: I Will Never Let You Live This Down

Jason: what about Dick and Slade? You gonna just forget about that?

Tim: in hindsight it’s actually not that surprising

Dick: woah now

Dick: wtf does that mean

Tim: you know exactly what it means, Dickolas

Tim: but more importantly we should be talking about Damian, who has remained awfully silent these past few minutes

Damian: don’t you fucking dare

Tim: DAMIAN HAS AN ORCHESTRA CONCERT THIS FRIDAY AND HE LANDED A SOLO

Damian: I’m going to strangle you

Tim: please do

Tim: I’ll crouch down so you can reach my neck

Cass: Aw, I’m so proud of you Damian!

Dick: WAT

Dick: Y DIDNT U SAY ANYTHING

Duke: congrats, that amazing!

Jason: awww look at you go, Dami. Getting concert solos and keeping secrets from the family

Jason: I remember my first concert solo

Dick: DAMIAN

Damian: I didn’t say anything because you guys were going to make a big deal about it

Cass: well of course we are, getting a concert solo is wonderful!

Dick: did U tell Alfred????

Dick: pls tell me u told Alfred

Damian: of course I did. I’m not a monster. He, Selina, Father and Jon are all going

Dick: u invite ur boyfriend but not us, ur siblings???

Damian: I was going to ask Cass if she wanted to come. And perhaps Duke

Cass: 🥰

Duke: 👌🏾

Dick: D:

Jason: what time is it?

Damian: no

Jason: I’m gonna find out one way or another, little man

Jason: it’s up to you how I do it

—

A YouTube video titled ‘Wayne Family Tik Toc’s to cure Your depression’ -- cont.

[“Cassandra, have I told you that I love you today?” Steph’s voice comes from behind the camera, which is trained on Cass.

Cass looks up. She is sitting in a rocking chair, curled up with a book in hand. She shakes her head yes.

“Well, I’ll tell you again.” Steph says. “Cass, light of my life, I love you.”

Cass smiles.]

--

[The camera opens up onto Tim. He looks exhausted. Terry and Helena are crying in the background.

“I have decided that I hate kids.” Tim says.]

--

[Jason is on the couch, squinting up at the television as he picks a show on Netflix to watch. It’s obvious he’s struggling to read the text.

Tim, who is sitting next to him, throws a piece of popcorn at him. “What are you, Jarrod, nineteen?”

“I fucking wish.” Jason replies.

Duke, who is holding the camera, laughs.]

--

[“Wallace!” Dick is holding the camera, which is trained on the entryway to the living room. He is calling for Wally, voice sounding angry. “Wallace Rudolph West-Grayson!”

“What?” Wally pokes his head through the entryway. “What did I do?”

Dick doesn’t say anything, and Wally looks increasingly nervous.

“Did I forget something?” Wally asks.

“No.” Dick pauses. “I just wanted to tell you I love you.”

Wally stares. He clearly wasn’t expecting that. “You--I love you too.”

Chapter Text

Dick Grayson @blackandblue - 2h

Damian won’t let me drive him to his concert what kind of cruel torture is this

|
|

Duke Thomas @knightofduke - 2h

@blackandblue you’re just not Dami’s favorite anymore sucks to suck I guess

9k likes, 10k retweets, 247 comments

--

Jon Kent-Lane’s Instagram page, updated at 5:59pm

[a selfie of Jon, Duke and Damian. Jon and Duke are in the passenger and drivers seat of a car, respectively. Damian is in the back seat. He is wearing a tuxedo with his viola case sitting in the seat next to him. He’s frowning at the camera, while Duke and Jon are smiling. Damian’s hair is, surprisingly, still pink. Jon has captioned it concert night!]

--

Cassandra Cain-Wayne’s Snapchat Story, Updated at 6:35pm

[Most of the family is gathered in the foyer of the manor—Jason and Tim are hovering off in a corner, both with their phones out. Dick is standing by the door and sulking. Wally is with him. Bruce, Alfred, and Selina are right by the door. Clark and Lois are coming inside, Kon trailing awkwardly behind them. Duke and Damian are the only ones gone.

Bruce is Holding both Terry and Helena. Selina comes up and takes Terry from him, and Bruce smiles at her before turning to look back at Clark.

“Don’t kill my kids.” He says.

Clark frowns. “I’m not going to kill your kids.”

“I won’t let him kill your kids, Bruce.” Lois steps in and smoothly takes Helena from Bruce.

Bruce looks at his arms, baffled.

Steph, who is standing next to Cass, snorts.]

—

Jason: what’s going on with you and Kon?

Tim: there’s nothing going on

Jason: you're hiding in the corner with me, Tim

Jason: and usually you and Kon are making out by now

Jason: what’s going on?

Tim: I don’t want to talk about it right now

—

Stephanie Brown @spoileralert - 2m

Selina really said “come on children let’s go embarrass your brother”

--

Steph: what’s up with Tim?

Steph: he’s all sulky and it’s weirding me out

Jason: I don’t know, he won’t tell me

--

Duke Thomas’ snapchat story, updated at 6:55pm

[the camera opens to the floor, and then Duke pans it over. They’re in an auditorium, and sitting next to him is Bruce, Jason, Dick and Wally. Jason has his phone out and is quickly texting someone, Dick and Wally are bent together and talking quietly, and Bruce is staring blankly at the stage below them. The curtains are closed, but the concert is supposed to start any minute.

“I miss my kids.” Bruce says.

Jason snaps his head up, phone forgotten in his hand. “We’re right here.”

“I miss my well behaved kids.” Bruce amends.

Now Dick looks up. “Wha--they’re babies. Babies are never well behaved.”

“Compared to you two, Terry and Helena are like angels.” Bruce looks over at Dick, then Wally. He looks thoughtful for a moment, then turns back to the stage. “Lucky for me, Wally gets to deal with you now.”

Wally laughs and Dick lets out a strangled shriek. The woman in front of them turns around to shush them.]

--

Jason Todd-Wayne update his instagram page at 9:15pm

[a photo of Damian and Jon. The concert has finished and Damian has just come from the auditorium and into the hall, where everyone is waiting for him. Jon is standing in front of Damian with a smile and holding out a rose to him. Damian is looking at it with wide eyes. Jason has captioned it they’re disgustingly adorable]

--

Dick Grayson-Wayne updated his Instagram page at 9:25pm

[it’s a video of Damian’s solo. Dick has captioned it with far too many heart eye emojis]

--

The Wild Wild West 🤠

Jaylad: who wants to go on a late night walmart run

Jaylad: Steph is coming

Shooty McShootson: I’m always down for late night walmart trips

Battle Axe Bandit: why are you going to Walmart at ten o’ clock at night?

Jaylad: Tim is sad so I’m gonna buy him a roomba

Jason’s favorite: what is roomba?

Space Princess: A roomba?

Shooty McShootson: your family is fucking weird jay

Jaylad: I’m also getting Damian that disgusting ice cream he likes

Jaylad: since I’m such a good sibling

Space Princess: mint chocolate chip is good

Jaylad: you’re dead to me Kori

Jaylad: dead

Shooty McShootson: says the guy who likes butter pecan ice cream

Jaylad: you’re dead to me too

--

Cassandra Cain-Wayne’s snapchat story, updated at 9:47pm

[they are back at the manor. Clark is asleep on the couch in the living room with Helena sleeping on his chest. His glasses are crooked and nearly falling off his face. Lois is still awake and holding Terry, who is also still awake, if not a little grumpy. Kon is nowhere in sight.

“Did they behave for you?” Selina asks.

“Like little angels.” Lois answers, standing as Selina walks over to her. Terry coos, reaching out for Selina.

“Anything happen?” Bruce asks this while glancing at Clark. He hesitates for a moment, then gently takes Helena from his arm. Helena opens her eyes, but when she sees that it’s just Bruce, she closes them again and wiggles closer.

Lois shakes her head. “Quiet as a mouse out there.”

Terry gurgles as Selina takes him from Lois.]

--

Dick: u did really good 2nite Dami

Dick: I’m proud of u

Damian: thank you

--

Lois: are you coming back down or staying the night?

Jon: I was gonna stay the night

Jon: if that’s alright

Lois: That’s fine with me. Just be home before 1 tomorrow. Remember, Ma and Pa are coming to visit.

--

Jason: does Jon want a specific kind of ice cream or is he a monster like you who likes mint chocolate chip

Damian: what makes you think Jon is still here?

Jason: Damian

Jason: That kid doesn't leave our house unless someone makes him

Damian: …

Damian: he says vanilla

--

Jason Todd-Wayne - @iamtheaceupmysleeve - 30m

One roomba is for @beammeupdaddy because he’s sad. The other is for Alfred because I feel bad that he vacuums all the time [attached is a picture of a shopping cart. In it are two roombas, vanilla ice cream, mint chocolate chip ice cream, and a pack of glowsticks]

|
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Tim Drake-Wayne - @beammeupdaddy - 27m

Are you seriously buying me a roomba because you want to make me less sad

|
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Jason Todd-Wayne -@iamtheaceupmysleeve - 15m

Yeah. is it working?

--

Tim: you’re not even going to hang around for five minutes to talk to me? (Message sent at 9:40pm)

Kon read message at 9:40pm

Tim: fuck you (Message sent at 10:37pm)

--

Tim Drake-Wayne @beammeupdaddy - 3m

@iamtheaceupmysleeve A little bit

Chapter Text

The Complete Fam

Batdad🦇: Jason

First Middle Child: Father

Batdad🦇: why are there sixteen Roombas in my house

First Middle Child: Alfred’s roomba got lonely

First Middle Child: and there’s 17

First Middle Child: last one is in the cave

First Middle Child: it’s got a knife taped to it

Batdad🦇: why?

First Middle Child: updated security system

—

Tim: can you just talk to me? (message sent at 3:07am<)

Kon read message at 3:08am

Tim: Kon, please (message sent at 2:49pm)

Kon read message at 3:00pm

--

The Complete Fam

The Eldest: wait

The Eldest: won’t BatRoomba b lonely in the cave by himself?

First Middle Child: you’re right

New Recrute: you named it already??

Batdad🦇: Jason no

Batdad🦇: This is not what your savings account is for

First Middle Child: sorry Bruce I can’t hear you over the sound of my 18 roombas

--

Steph: hey Timmy

Steph: you okay?

Tim: I’m fine

Steph: but not okay

Tim: …

Steph: come down to the kitchen

Steph: Jason and Alfred are making brownies and Dami’s got a bowl of batter to eat

Steph: I’ll make him share it

Tim: yeah, okay

--

The Complete Fam

First Middle Child: you know what I just realized

First Middle Child: Dami isn’t the baby anymore

The Baby™️: So?

First Middle Child changed The Baby™️ to TaterTot Casserole

TaterTot Casserole: put it back

First Middle Child: no

Batdad🦇: I just heard a crash

Batdad🦇: why did I just hear a crash

First Middle Child: Damian just T H R E W Alf’s bamboo cutting board at me

TaterTot Casserole: and i’ll do it again

First Middle Child: FINE if you wanna be that way

First Middle Child changed TaterTot Casserole to Fucking Gremlin Child👿

Batlur changed Fucking Gremlin Child to Freaking Gremlin Child👿

New Recruit: ya’ll are literally in the same room rn

The Eldest: money in the swear jar Jason!

First Middle child: you don’t even live here anymore you can’t tell me to put money in the swear jar

Batlur: A quarter to the swear jar, master Jason

First Middle Child: fine

--

The Children

Jason: alright Tim, we need to talk

Tim: There’s nothing to talk about

Dick: talk about what?

Damian: Tim has been moping all week and some of us are concerned

Damian: not me, of course

Duke: yes you are you liar

Dick: r u okay timmy??

Tim: I’m fine, seriously

Cass: no, you’re not

Cass: Tim, please. We’re worried about you

Tim: Fine, if it’ll get you to leave me alone about it

Tim: I told Kon I wanted to have a more serious relationship and he freaked and ran out on me

Tim: and I get it if he doesn’t want that but it’s been a week and he’s still ignoring my messages and I just want him to talk to me and give me a fucking answer

Duke: What do you mean more serious?

Dick: I thought u 2 were dating?

Tim: we were just hooking up it wasn’t anything serious

Jason: so he just ghosted you?

Tim: It’s fine

Tim: I’ll get over it

—

Damian is typing…
Damian sent message to Jon
Jon opened message [I’m going to kill your brother]
Jon is typing…
Jon sent message to Damian
Damian opened message [okay]
Jon is typing…
Jon sent message to Damian
Damian opened message [wait why]
Damian is typing…
Damian sent message to Jon
Jon opened message [screenshot of the text conversation]
Jon is typing…
Jon sent message to Damian
Damian opened message [oh i see. Yea go ahead]

—

The Children

Jason: you shouldn’t have to just get over it

Jason: that’s bullshit Tim and you know that

Tim: It’s not like I can do anything else

Tim: he won’t talk to me

Damian: I’ll get him to talk to you

Duke: um

Tim: Damian do not

Tim: Damian

Tim: Damian I swear to god

--

Bruce: Clark

Clark: yeah?

Bruce: why is my child asking me for kryptonite?

Clark: um

Clark: which child?

Bruce: Damian

Clark: oh. I have no idea

Clark: let me go ask Jon

--

Jon: dude what’s going on with you?

Kon: I don’t know what you’re talking about kid

Jon: you and Tim

Jon: what the heck Kon??

Kon: who told you?

Jon: Dami

Jon: seriously, Kon, what the heck? Last I checked you were ready to whisk Tim off and elope the second he asked you to

Jon: Conner Kent don’t you dare ignore me

Jon: I know where you sleep

--

Clark: relationship issues between Kon and Tim

Clark: that’s all I got out of him

Bruce: I see

--

Kon: look, I panicked, okay? I didn’t know Tim felt the same way that I did and I panicked

Jon: then go tell him that

Jon: Jason bought him a roomba for gosh sakes

Kon: shit

--

The Children

Damian: Father won’t give me the kryptonite

Dick: well I should hope so

Jason: damn

Jason: that’s okay, I’ll just steal it

Tim: please for the love of god Do Not do that

--

Kon: can we talk?

Tim: I don’t know, can we?

Kon: I’m sorry Timmy

Kon: I panicked and it was dumb of me to just run off like that

Kon: and I’d really like to talk

Kon: please

Tim: fine

Tim: but you have to fly to Gotham

Tim: and pay for my coffee

Kon: I can do that

Chapter Text

Barbara Gordon @yourlocalknowitall - 3h

Stop spreading lies that @brucewayneoffical is a straight man that man is the most disaster bisexual I have ever met and that’s including @blackandblue

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Dick Grayson-West @blackandblue - 3h

Aw thanks

|
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Jason Todd-Wayne - @iamtheaceupmysleeve - 2h

Wow @blackandblue you finally changed your fucking name

|
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Dick Grayson-West - @blackandblue - 2h

Yeah sorry I was too busy being on my honeymoon in Hawaii with my beautiful husband and sitting on a beach and drinking martinis

|
|

Stephanie Brown - @spoileralert -2h

Hi yeah can we get back to the part about @brucewayneoffical being a disaster bisexual?

|
|

Jason Todd-Wayne - @iamtheaceupmysleeve - 2h

@spoileralert this isn’t a new thing Bruce has been out for years like there’s a reason all of us are raging homosexuals in this family

|
|

Stephanie Brown - @spoileralert - 2h

Oh I know but I never pass up an opportunity to make fun of Bruce on Twitter

|
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Conner Kent - @flyboi - 2h

I knew @brucewayneoffical had a crush on my dad

|
|

Tim Drake-Wayne - @beammeupdaddy - 2h

@flyboi which one

|
|

Conner Kent - @flyboi - 2h

Clark obviously

|
|

Jason Todd-Wayne - @iamtheaceupmysleeve - 2h

@flyboi You’re my new favorite sibling in law

|
|

Conner Kent - @flyboi - 2h

Aw thanks

|
|

Stephanie Brown - @spolieralert - 2h

@iamtheaceupmysleeve I have never felt so betrayed

|
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Bruce Wayne - @brucewayneoffical - 2h

The only one of you who is actually married is Dick. The rest of you better stay unmarried for the next several years.

|
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Tim Drake-Wayne - @beammeupdaddy - 2h

@brucewayneoffical is that a threat?

|
|

Bruce Wayne - @brucewayneoffical - 2h

If I find out you’re married to Conner then it will be

|
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Jason Todd-Wayne - @iamtheaceupmysleeve - 2h

@brucewayneoffical You’re going to comment on that but not everything else

|
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Bruce Wayne - @brucewayneoffical - 2h

You’ve said it already Jason. I’ve been out for years.

12.7k likes, 17.9k retweets, 497 comments

—

Jason: hey, do you remember back when I was fifteen and I said I wanted top surgery and you had set aside the money for that cuz I need to be a little bit older?

Bruce: yes, I do

Jason: did you ever like, get rid of that money?

Bruce: no, I kept it, Jaylad. It’s still in the savings account

Jason: oh

Jason: okay

Jason: I think I want top surgery again

—

Barbara Gordon - @yourlocalknowitall - 1h

@iputaringonit is also bi I think that’s important to note

|
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Jason Todd-Wayne - @iamtheaceupnysleeve - 1h

Wow both my parents are bi how cool is that

|
|

Dick Grayson-West - @blackandblue - 1h

Wait are we all bi in this family?

|
|

Damian Wayne - @animalsarefriendanotfood - 1h

I’m gay, Richard

|
|

Cassandra Cain-Wayne -@blackandyellow - 1h

Me too

|
|

Dick Grayson-West -@blackandblue - 1h

Ah shoot my bad

9k likes, 12.1k retweets, 472 comments

—

Dick Grayson-West - @blackandblue - 30m

Some woman just tweeted at me to stop parading my sexuality around Ma’am I am married to a man I don't know what you want me to do

|
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Tim Drake-Wayne - @beammeupdaddy - 30m

Divorce

|
|

Wally Grayson-West - @gottagofast - 30m

Please do not

5k likes, 9k retweets, 216 comments

—

The Wild Wild 🤠

Jaylad - so I’ve been thinking

Shooty McShootson - that’s dangerous

Jaylad - shut up

Jaylad - but I’ve been thinking that I want top surgery

Shooty McShootson - OH

Shooty McShootson - okay

Jason’s Favorite - top surgery?

Jaylad - you know how I have boobs, B

Jason’s Favorite - yes

Jaylad - top surgery is where I get rid of them

Jason’s Favorite - okay

Jason’s Favorite - that good then

Space Princess - that’s a big step, Jason

Jaylad - yeah, but I’m ready for it, I think

Jaylad - I know I’ll actually wake up this time

Jaylad - I think

Battleaxe Bandit - we’re coming over

Jaylad - thank you

—

The Complete Fam

Second Middle Child - I wasn’t aware six people and two babies a dog could all fit on the living room couch but they are certainly doing it

The Eldest - aw I want to b in a cuddle pile :(

Batdad🦇: who's on the couch?

Freaking Gremlin Child👿 - Jason and his delinquent friends

First Middle Child - you’re just jealous

The Eldest - ya I am

—

Underappreciated squad

Jason❤️: if you tell anyone in this family about this I will not hesitate to shoot you

Jason❤️: I want to get top surgery

Jason❤️: but I’m scared that I won’t wake up from the anesthetic

Jason❤️: which is dumb because I know I will

Duke💛: Jay, that’s not dumb

Steph💜: that is the furthest thing from dumb, actually

Jason❤️: yes it is dumb

Duke💛: no it’s not

Duke💛: and I’m gonna join your cuddle pile to show you how not dumb it is

Jason❤️: I don’t think there’s room on this couch

Duke💛: make room

—

Alfred: If you wish to get top surgery, Master Jason, I’ll be there to ensure that you wake up and come back home

Jason: thanks, alf

Chapter Text

The coolest league members

The Batman™️: I’m bringing cookies to the meeting today

Country Bumpkin: that’s very nice of you

⚡️: are they poisoned

⚡️: is this some new science experiment

The Batman™️: no

The Batman™️: Jason is stress baking and my kitchen counters are full of cookies

The Batman™️: if I wanted to poison you I would have already

⚡️: excuse me

Wonder Woman: give Jason hugs for me!

—

Wally: why is my uncle asking me to help your dad bring cookies to the watchtower?

Wally: I know im in Gotham right now but why

Dick: Jason’s prob stress baking

Dick: he’s got his consultation appt w/ the doc at the end of the week 4 his top sugary

Dick: he won’t leave the kitchen much this week tbh

Dick: take the sugar cookies if B tries 2 pawn any off on u

Wally: You’re awful you know that

Dick: but u married me anyway

—

Underappreciated Squad

Duke💛: Jason

Duke💛: I love you

Duke💛: but I think you should maybe walk away from the kitchen

Duke💛: go hold Terry for a little bit

Jason❤️: why?

Steph💜: Jay every single counter is covered with cookies

Steph💜: you are holding your mixing bowl because there is no counter space

Jason❤️: ...

Jason❤️: huh

Steph💜: did you even sleep last night?

Jason❤️: no

Duke💛: go take a nap with the twins

—

Wally: I got whole box of sugar cookies

Dick: god I love you

—

Alfred: Master Dick, you know I love having Master Jason in the kitchen.

Dick: ya I’ll come get him

—

The children

Cass: Dick where are you taking Jason?

Dick: idk

Dick: bowling i guess

Jason: you’re taking me bowling?

Jason: what are you, 50?

Dick: u like bowling

Jason: I like wii bowling

Jason: there's a difference

Cass: can I come?

Dick: ya

Tim: hold up wait I’m coming too

--

Cassandra Cain-Wayne’s snapchat story, updated at 2:58pm

[the video is taken in a dimly lit bowling alley. Jason and Tim are sitting at a little table, Jason looking irritated as he ties his bowling shoes and Tim looking entirely confused as he stares at his own bowling shoes. If you look close enough, you can make out a smudge of flour on Jason’s cheek.

“You’re supposed to put them on, dumbass.” Jason says.

Tim frowns and pokes the shoes. “This can’t be sanitary.”

“Tim,” Jason says slowly. “You regularly take dives into Gotham harbor.”

“Not willingly.” Tim shoots back.]

--

Cassandra Cain-Wayne’s snapchat story, updated at 3:07pm

[Tim throws the ball down the alley, stumbling a little as he does. It makes it about halfway down before going into the gutter.

“Have you ever bowled before?” Jason asks while Dick put’s a sympathetic hand on Tim’s shoulder.

“Yes.” Tim replies.

Jason stares at him. “Wii sports doesn’t count.”

“Oh. Then no.”]

--

Cassandra Cain-Wayne’s snapchat story, updated at 3:49pm

[They are all sitting at that little table from earlier with a plate of nachos in the center. Tim looks skeptical as he takes one.

“You are such a rich kid,” Jason says.

Tim frowns. “You’re also a rich kid, Jason.”

Jason blinks and Dick laughs.

Cass angels the camera to see the scoreboard from their game. She bowled a perfect score. Dick and Jason tied. Tim lost]

--

Cassandra Cain-Wayne’s snapchat story, updated at 4:16pm

[They have moved up a floor of the alley, where they have a laser tag room set up. They’ve all been suited up, and are now waiting for the go ahead to go in.

“Okay, so, two on two--” Jason is saying. “--I get Cass. You get Dick.”

“What? That’s not fair!” Tim frowns. “Both you and Cass shoot people on a weekly basis!”

The employee whose waiting with them looks concerned and takes a step away from them.

“You get Dick, I get Cass.” Tim continues.

“What? No! Dick has terrible aim.”

“Exactly. You can pull his weight.”

“Hey!” Dick finally butts into the conversation. “I do not have terrible aim.”

“Yes you do.” Tim and Jason say at the same time.]

--

Dick: I think he’s tired enough 2 stay out of the kitchen 4 the night but I make no promises 4 later

Alfred: That’s quite alright, Master Dick. I will be home tomorrow to keep an eye on him.

Chapter Text

It’s Halloween-Town at Wayne Manor

By Erin Lauri

The night before all Hallows Eve saw Bruce Wayne and his kids working hard to get the last of the highly anticipated decorations up and running, and it was certainly worth the wait. Wayne Manor will be a favorite stop among young and old Gothamites alike, and I’m ready to tell you all about it.

[click here for full article]

75k clicks

—

Cassandra Cain-Wayne’s Snapchat story, updated at 6:37am

[Bruce stumbles into the kitchen, heading straight for the already full coffee pot. He has Helena in his arms, and she lets out a gurgle and reaches up to slap his face. Bruce blinks, confused for a moment, then detours from the coffee pot to find a bottle and formula for her.

Helena slaps his face again, then shrieks this time.

“Yeah—I know.” Bruce opens a cupboard. A few plastic baby bottles fall out. “Its Breakfast time—your brother is never this needy—“

Helena slaps him again.]

—

Ongoing facetime with Best BF Ever💕…

“I honestly can’t believe you’re still up. You seriously spent all night setting up decorations?”

“I can’t believe you’re up. It’s not even seven yet—and don’t even talk to me about decorations, Mr. I Set Up A Corn Maze.”

“Yeah, well, comes with staying on the farm. If the chickens want you up you get up. And I also set up the corn maze a week before Ma and Pa actually needed it. And Kon helped me with it.”

“I’d like to say my brothers helped but they mostly just yelled at each other.”

“Yeah, seems about right.”

“...”

“...”

“I wish you could come down to the farm today, Dami.”

“I could...ask Father, I suppose.”

“Really?”

“It’s not like we don’t have enough people here to greet trick or treaters.”

—

Bruce: we’re switching kids today, apparently

Clark: we are?

Bruce: I’m getting Conner, you’re taking Damian

Clark: do I get a say in this

Bruce: I didn't

—

The Complete Fam

Batdad🦇: before we go any further today, what are everyone’s plans?

The Eldest: I’m going back 2 Bludhaven after breakfast

The Eldest: me n Wally r gonna hand out candy at our appt

First Middle Child: why are you even still here?

The Eldest: I ain't missing Alf's pancakes

Freaking Gremlin Child 👿: I’m going to the Kent’s farm to help them run their corn maze

First Middle Child: I’ve got the haunted house to run in the back yard

Batdad🦇: when did you set up a haunted house?

Batdad🦇: where did you set up a haunted house?

First Middle Child: don’t worry about it

Second Middle Child: Kon and I are on candy duty with Alfred

New Recruit: Cass and I are helping Jason with the haunted house

The Favorite: Steph is too!

Second Middle Child: B, you and Selina are taking the twins trick or treating even tho they aren’t even four months old yet and I don’t understand that logic

New Recruit: and Aunt Kate is gonna patrol tonight to make sure the rouges stay outta trouble

Batdad🦇: Kate is coming over?

Mama: well, sounds like everything’s handled

—

Cassandra Cain-Wayne’s Snapchat story, updated at 7:22am

[the kitchen is fuller now. Bruce is sitting at the table, now holding Terry and bottle feeding him. Selina is next to him with a sleeping Helena. Alfred is at the stove making pancakes, and Jason is helping. Cass Swings the camera over to Dick, who is sitting next to her and typing away in his phone, then swings it back to the entryway as Damian walks in.

There’s a shuffle, and the camera cuts back to Jason, who is moving things around the counter with a frown.

“Where’s the candy corn?” He asks.

Bruce looks up. “The candy corn is gone?”

“Oh, yeah, sorry.” Dick speaks up, still typing away at his phone. “Me and Wally ate it last night.”

There is a moment of silence.

“That was a two pound bag.” Damian says.

“I’m actually going to kill you for real.” Jason says at the same time.

“No you won’t.” Dick finally looks up at his phone and towards Bruce. “Right, Bruce?”

Bruce stays silent.

—

Cass: Jason is ready to commit murder

Steph: babe, he’s always ready to commit murder

Cass: yes

Cass: but Bruce is not trying to stop him

Steph: what, did someone eat their candy corn

Steph: oh god someone really ate their candy corn didn’t they

Steph: tell them to calm down, I’ll bring them a new bag jesus

—

Cassandra Cain-Wayne’s Snapchat Story Updated at 7:34am

[Steph walks into the kitchen with a Walmart bag in one hand and a Starbucks cup in the other. She gives the Starbucks to Cass, then reaches into the Walmart bag and chucks a bag of candy corn at Jason. His back is turned to her as she throws it, but he catches it none the less. She gives the other bag of candy corn to Bruce more gently.

“You’re my favorite sibling in law again.” Jason says.

“I was always your favorite sibling in law, Jason, don’t kid yourself.” Steph replies. “Full offense to Conner.”

“What about Wally?” Dick asks. “He’s your actual sibling in law.”

“Wally ate all my candy corn.” Jason replies. “Until further notice, he’s my least favorite.”

Duke walks in then, and after looking around he sighs.]

—

Cassandra Cain-Wayne’s Snapchat story, updated at 7:39am

[Jason has set his bag of candy corn on the counter between him and Alfred. They are both eating from it.]

—

Jon: me and Kon are gonna head over in an hour

Jon: you should probably wake Tim up

Jon: at least I'm assuming he's asleep since he just stopped texting Kon back

Dami: it’s not my job to act as his alarm clock

Jon: well, I never said you had to be nice about it

—

Cassandra Cain-Wayne’s Snapchat story updated at 7:49am

[Tim comes wandering into the kitchen, wearing a pair of sweat pants and a Smallville High School sweater. He does not look happy.

Damian follows after him, looking significantly more happy.

Alfred wordlessly hands Tim a cup of coffee.]

—

Kon: you awake sleepy head?

Tim: Unfortunately

Kon: Aw, too early for you?

Tim: it is eight in the god damn morning

Tim: no one is up at eight except for crazy people and you

Kon: do you want me to make a Starbucks stop

Tim: please

—

Cassandra Cain-Wayne’s Snapchat story updated at 8:18am

[Pam comes trotting into the kitchen with her tail wagging and Jason following behind her. She has a sheet over her with holes cut for her eyes and muzzle.

“Jason, why is your dog wearing a sheet?” Bruce asks.

“It’s her Halloween costume. She’s a ghost.”

Cass pans the camera over to Damian. He’s staring at Pam.

“...that's really cute.” He mumbles.]

—

Jon Kent-Lane’s Instagram page, updated at 12:19pm

[A selfie of him and Damian taken in front of a corn maze. Jon is wearing a straw hat, flannel and overalls. He has two red circles painted on his cheeks, and his nose is painted red as well in an imitation of a scarecrow. Damian has on a cowboy hat, red flannel to match Jon’s, and a red bandana around his neck. They’re both smiling, and Jon has captioned it ‘Can you believe Damian didn’t have a Halloween costume?’

9k likes, 289 comments

--

Jason Todd-Wayne - @iamtheaceupmysleeve - 1h

Bruce and Selina are dressing up as Gomez and Morticia and honestly I don’t know why I expected anything different

8k likes, 9k retweets, 282 comments

--

Cassandra Cain-Wayne’s snapchat story updated at 4:39pm

[a series of photos. The first is of Bruce, Selina, and the twins. They are dressed as Gomez and Morticia, and Terry and Helena are dressed as Pugsley and Wednesday.

The next is of Jason, Artemis, Duke, and Pam. Jason has donned a sheet similar to Pam. Artemis is standing next to him, also in a sheet. Duke is also wearing a sheet. All three of them are wearing sunglasses. Cass has added a caption to this photo that says ‘stay tuned for the ghost photo shoot 👻’

The next is a photo that has been sent to Cass. It is of Dick and Wally in their apartment. They are dressed as Jack and Sally from The Nightmare Before Christmas.

The next is a short video of Tim and Conner in the manor kitchen. They are dressed like Sandy and Danny from Grease, and Conner is loudly singing Danny’s part of Summer Nights and trying to get Tim to sing along with him. Tim is ignoring him, and keeps filling a large orange bowl with king sized candy bars.

Next is a selfie of her and Steph. Cass is smiling, and she has a bloodied ski mask propped up on her forehead so you can still see her face. She is also holding a machete. Steph has a jack-o-lantern on her head. It is unclear whether it is a real pumpkin or not.

The last photo is of Alfred. He is standing in the foyer of the manor. He is wearing a headband with gray cat ears.]

--

Tim Drake-Wayne - @beammeupdaddy - 2m

Ya’ll better hit up the manor first on your trick or treat routes because Conner keeps trying to eat the candy and I’m not sure how much longer I can fend him off

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Jason Todd-Wayne - @iamtheaceupmysleeve - 1m

@flyboi don’t make me come back inside and beat your ass

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Duke Thomas - @knightofduke - 1m

Or just like, sic Alfred on him

--

Cassandra Cain-Wayne’s snapchat story updated at 5:59pm

[a photo of the old greenhouse in the manor's yard. It’s gone fully haunted house--a dense fog has settled near the ground, a very realistic cemetery has been set up off to the side, and the dirt path leading to the greenhouse is scattered with jack-o-lanterns and candles. Cass has added a caption of ‘we’re officially taking victims’]

--

Damian Wayne’s Instagram page, updated at 8:37pm

[a photo of Jon, still in his scarecrow outfit. He’s standing at the exit of the corn maze with a bucket of candy, handing a few pieces to the group exiting the maze. The only caption Damian has added is ‘Happy Halloween’]

24.9k likes, 316 comments

Chapter Text

The Complete Fam

The Eldest: so um

The Eldest: I found a baby in a trash can

Second Middle Child: put it back

Freaking Gremlin Child👿: you found a baby?

Second Middle Child: Bruce isn’t ready to be a grandpa yet

New Recruit: why is that your concern

The Eldest: idk what 2 do Wally is in central helping Barry rn

First Middle Child: is it alive?

The Eldest: yeah

First Middle Child: congratulations you’re now a Father

Batdad🦇: I’m sorry you found a baby?

The Eldest: ya

Batlur: I do hope you’re on your way to the manor, Master Dick

—

Wally Grayson-West has one new voice mail from Husband🍑💙

“Hey, uh—can you—can you call me? After you get done beating up a gorilla, of course. But um—yeah I—I need you to call me. Please. I love you.”

Message ended

—

Underappreciated squad

Steph💜: I’m sorry dick found a BABY???

Duke💛: yeah

Duke💛: he’s on his way to the manor right now

Jason❤️: bring some popcorn

Steph💜: ofc i will

—

The Complete Fam

Second Middle Child: we’re telling Babs, right

The Eldest: no we r not

Second Middle Child: too late I already called her

The Favorite: Dick are you texting and driving?

The Eldest: no

Batdad🦇: Richard John Grayson-West put your phone down and focus on driving

Batdad🦇: you have a child in the back seat

—

Wally Grayson-West is calling Husband🍑💙…

…

…

“Wally?”

“I got your—is everything okay?”

“Yeah, no, everything’s fine. I just, uh—I just suddenly understand why Bruce adopted so many kids.”

“...explain.”

“I found a baby in a dumpster.”

“...”

“...”

“What?’

“I was on duty today and I was driving by an alley and I heard crying so I got out to look and someone just dumped a baby in a dumpster and she was--Wally, she was wrapped up in a dirty wet blanket and she was crying and I wasn’t just gonna leave her--”

“Dick, where are you?”

“The manor.”

“I’ll be right there.”

Call ended

—

From Jason Todd-Wayne’s Snapchat memories

[the video is being taken in the living room. Dick is standing in the center, holding a bundle of fluffy white blankets. If you look closely there’s a pudgy little face just barely visible and looking up at Dick with wide eyes. Damian is standing next to Dick, standing on his tip toes as he tried to get a good look at the baby. Alfred is there as well, with a baby bottle in his hand. Everyone else is scattered on the couches or the floor.

“You should try and feed her now,” Alfred is saying. “She’s calmed down, now, and who knows when she’ll start fussing again.”

Dick takes the bottle from Alfred with a quiet thanks. He holds it in front of the babies face, and she reaches forward to pull it closer to her mouth.

Wally comes into the room then. He looks disheveled. His clothes are rumpled and his hair is a tangled mess. He looks a little frightened, but as soon as he looks at Dick his eyes soften and he relaxes.

“Oh.” Wally mumbles.

Dick looks up and smiles at Wally. “Hey, babe.”

Wally walks over to him, peering at the baby.

The baby pushes the bottle out of the way so she can coo at Wally, reaching to grab onto him. Wally holds up a hand, and the baby immediately takes hold of his finger. She coos and babbles, then laughs.

“Oh.” Wally repeats.

“As I was telling Master Dick, she seems perfectly healthy,” Alfred turns to address Wally and fill him in. “But I recommend going to see a pediatrician, as I am in no way an expert on babies.”

Wally nods and looks up at Dick. Dick is looking at the baby.

“I like the name Mari,” Dick says.

Jason swings the camera to Bruce.

“How do you feel about being a grandpa?” he asks.

Bruce, who is holding Terry, lets out a deep sigh.]

Chapter Text

Jason Todd-Wayne - @iamtheaceupmysleeve - 1h

Bruce keeps complaining that he’s a grandpa when he’s not even forty like it’s my fault he decided to have a ten year old kid when he was 24 shut up you’re 38

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Jason Todd-Wayne - @iamtheaceupmysleeve - 1h

This is on you B. You had a kid at 24 now your kid is gonna have a kid at 24

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Jason Todd-Wayne - @iamtheaceupmysleeve - 1h

Monkey see monkey do and all that bullshit

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Jason Todd-Wayne - @iamtheaceupmysleeve - 1h

Should have thought about that before you decided to have all these god damn kids

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Tim Drake-Wayne - @beameupdaddy - 1h

@iamtheaceupmysleeve aren’t you supposed to be in surgery rn

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Jason Todd-Wayne - @iamtheaceupmysleeve - 1h

Yeah but I’m waiting for the sleepy juice to kbmb,-

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Tim Drake-Wayne - @beammeupdaddy - 1h

Jason?

|
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Tim Drake-Wayne - @beammeupdaddy - 29m

Oh my fucking god he fucking dead

7k likes, 9k retweets, 370 comments

—

The Children

Dick: who let me have a child

Dick: who thought this was a good idea

Tim: oh no he’s using full words

Duke: must be serious

Dick: no seriously who let me keep this child

Tim: you were the one who went baby dumpster diving not us

Cass: do you need me to call Wally

Dick: I can’t tell if you’re being sarcastic and I don’t like it

Dick: but yes

Dick: my hands are full of baby

Tim: then how the hell are you texting??

Dick: voice to text

Damian: so that’s why he’s using full sentences

Damian: he’s not even typing them

Tim: can you not just

Tim: tell Siri to call Wally

Duke: be nice to him Tim, Dick’s lost some brain cells since last nights patrol

Tim: oh shit yeah

Tim: that wall still kicking your ass, Dick?

Dick: I hate all of you

—

Ongoing call to Husband😘💍💕 …

“No, I’m okay now, I promise.”

“Are you sure? Because I’ll come home--”

“Really, I am. She’s stopped crying now and I--I’m sorry babe, I’m just--stressed about this whole adoption thing. I swear that I can handle a baby tantrum and--and we really need diapers please don’t come home.”

“Ah. I see how it is.”

“No, that’s not what I--please come after you buy diapers. I miss you immensely, my dearest husband, and I would be devastated if you didn’t come home.”

“As would I, my lovely husband.”

“...I’m gonna call Bruce later and see if he’ll come over and help us fill out these papers.”

“Yeah, that’s probably a good--why haven't we done that yet?”

“Jason’s top surgery is today. Bruce is staying at the hospital with him.”

“Oh, yeah, that’s right.”

--

Damian: I was not aware that one man could pace so much

Jon: oh?

Damian: Jason went into surgery a few minutes ago and father has already walked the length of the waiting room at least fifteen times

Jon: What’s Alfred doing?

Damian: playing candy crush on his phone

Damian: Artemis is helping him

Jon: wait

Jon: Alfred plays candy crush???

Damian sent photo

[it’s a slightly blurry shot of Alfred and Artemis. They are sitting in green cloth chairs in a hospital waiting room. Alfred is holding his phone in front of him, and Artemis has her head on Alfred’s shoulder as she points at something on the phone. Bruce is seen in the background, paper cup of coffee in hand while he paces.]

Jon: that is the greatest thing i’ve ever seen

Jon: besides you

--

Tim Drake-Wayne - @beammeupdaddy - 23m

@iamtheaceupmysleeve are you still dead?

2k likes, 2.5k retweets, 58 comments

--

The Children

Duke: how’s the baby situation going

Dick: good she went 2 sleep

Tim: and he’s back

Dick: me n Wally are trying 2 figure out how 2 put together a crib

Duke: wait you guys don’t have a crib yet

Tim: what the fuck Richard

Cass: do you need help?

Dick: it’s been 3 days since i’ve been a father leave me alone

Dick: yes

--

Damian: come get your husband

Selina: he’s yours for the day

Selina: sorry kid

--

Damian Wayne’s snapchat story, updated at 12:03pm

[a picture of Bruce. They are outside the hospital and standing outside of a starbucks. Damian has added a caption of ‘Alfred kicked him out and told him to ‘go calm down outside, sir.’]

--

Damian Wayne’s snapchat story, updated at 12:23pm

[a picture of a cardboard cup holder. There are three drinks in it, one is a peppermint mocha, one is a vanilla bean frapp, and one is a matcha latte. Damian has circled the peppermint mocha and added a caption of ‘Jason’s not even awake to drink it’]

--

Jason Todd-Wayne - @iamtheaceupmysleeve - 1m

@beammeupdaddy I lived, bitch

Chapter Text

Stephanie Brown has added Cass💕💕💕💕, Dicky🍆, Wallace, Jay💕, Timmy, Konathan, Jonner, Arteslay, Still Baby, Duke and Babs to a group chat

Stephanie Brown has renamed chat Kids and In-laws

Steph: okay I have a question

Steph: who the fuck knew that Alfred is a retired MI agent

Dicky🍆: a wat

Konathan: well of course he is how else would he be able to deal with all of you

Timmy: do you actually have proof????

Timmy: I’ve been trying to prove this for y e a r s

Steph: well no

Steph: but I did just watch him throw Bruce to the ground in a choke hold

Jay💕: please tell me you recorded that

Steph: of course i did

Babs: I always figured Alfred was some sort of British intelligence officer, but I could never find any record of it

Babs: and you know Alfred

Babs: trying to get him to talk about his past is like trying to get Bruce to have an emotion

Wallace: honestly I’m not entirely convinced that his isn’t some long lost god who just decided to hang around you crazy people

Wallace: no offense babe

Dicky🍆: D:

Still Baby: don’t be ridiculous

Still Baby: Alfred is just Alfred

Wallace: is he though?

Wallace: when’s the last time you saw him consume something that wasn’t tea

Still Baby: …

Jonner: thanks you broke my boyfriend

Wallace: you’re welcome

Timmy: wait Dami are you over at Jon’s????

Still Baby: yes

Still Baby: why?

Timmy: because I’m at Jon’s

Timmy: how have I not see you

Konathan: because you haven’t left my room in the last twelve hours

Timmy: babe why didn’t you tell me my brother was here

Steph: ANYWAY

Steph: back to my question

Duke: why don’t you just ask him?

Timmy: because that takes all the fun out of it

Jay💕: brb I’m gonna go ask Diana if Alfred is a god

Dicky🍆: do u just hav her #?

Jay💕: no but my girlfriend does

Arteslay: I am not asking Wonder Woman if your grandfather is a god, Jason

—

Diana: Bruce

Bruce: yeah?

Diana: why are your children asking me if Alfred is a god

Bruce: I raised them to be curious and analytical, Diana

Diana: Bruce

Bruce: Fine

Bruce: which one is asking you

Diana: Artemis is

Diana: which means it’s Jason

—

Kids and In-Laws

Jay💕: I got told off

Jay💕: but that’s fine because I’m stuck at home for the next two months

Jay💕: I’ll do some good old fashioned detective work

Timmy: oh yeah that’s right I forgot your range of motion is limited to t-posing

Jay💕: Cass you’ll help me right

Cass💕💕💕💕: of course

—

Bruce: but do you have an answer?

Diana: Bruce

Bruce: I was also raised to be curious and analytical

Diana: …

Bruce: its a valid question

Diana: when's the last time you slept more than three hours

Bruce: I don't know

Bruce: I didn't realize babies cried so much

Diana: go take a nap

Chapter Text

Stephanie Brown - @spoileralert - 1h

I just watched @brucewayneoffical pull a cup of coffee from under a stack of papers on his desk and start drinking from it and idk how long it’s been sitting there

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Stephanie Brown - @spoileralert - 1h

Should I be worried???

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Jason Todd-Wayne - @iamtheaceupmysleeve - 1h

I mean,,,as long as there wasn’t mold on it

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Stephanie Brown - @spoileralert - 1h

Idk if it’s mold but theres something floating in there

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Alfred Pennyworth - @a.pennyworth - 1h

I would appreciate it, Ms. Brown, if you would take the coffee away from Master Bruce.

7k likes, 12.1k retweets, 1946 comments

--

Kids and In-Laws

Steph: alright

Steph: which one of you fuckers gave Alfred a Twitter

Steph: Tim

Timmy: why do you assume that I did it

Steph: because Dick barely understands how to work his phone let alone twitter

Dicky🍆: :(

Steph: Jason Tweets too many incriminating things to get Alfred on Twitter

Jay💕: true

Steph: Damian only uses twitter to gush about his boyfriend and to get into arguments with Donald Trump

Duke: everyday I ask myself why Damian hasn’t been banned yet

Steph: Babs loves Alfred too much to bring him into this hell hole

Steph: duke and Cass don’t care about twitter enough

Steph: and everyone else is too scared of Alfred to get within five feet of him

Konathan: he’s terrifying

Konathan: and I’ll stand by that

Timmy: as much as I want to take responsibility for this truly historic moment

Timmy: I didn’t do it

Jay💕: bullshit

Timmy: I didn’t!

--

Cassandra Cain-Wayne’s Snapchat story, updated at 12:49pm

[the video is being taken in Bruce’s office at the Wayne Enterprises building. Bruce is sitting in his chair and Steph is sitting up on his desk. She is trying to get his coffee mug, which Bruce is keeping out of reach.

“Alfred said I had to take it from you!” Steph is saying.

Bruce frowns. “Why does Alfred even--never mind. Forget I asked.”

“I live tweet everything you do Bruce, you know this.” Steph responds anyway.

Bruce stares at her. “...why are you even here?”

“Bring your daughter to work day.” Steph answers.

Bruce does not answer right away. “...you’re not my daughter.” he finally says. He doesn’t sound confident in that answer. The phone shakes a little as Cass silently laughs.

“Daughter in law, same thing.” Steph reaches forward and snatchs the mug from Bruce.

Bruce doesn’t try to get it back. He stares harder at Steph, then looks towards the camera. “You didn’t get--you’re not old enough--”

The video ends.]

--

The Complete Fam

Mama: you all need to be nicer to your father

First Middle Child: why should I

Mama: because I’m tired of him calling me asking if anymore of his children got married off

The Favorite: I’m not married I promise

--

Dick: ur not busy right?

Jason: just because I’m stuck at home doesn't mean I’m not busy

Dick: but r u???

Jason: I’m watching the twins

Jason: why

Dick: Wally went in2 work 2day and Mari is being v fussy and shes really warm and she wont eat and idk wat 2 do

Dick: I think she’s sick

Jason: bring her over

--

Wally Grayson-West has a new voicemail from Husband🍑💙

“Hey, don’t panic, but I think Mari is sick. I’m taking her to the manor--I texted Jason and he said to bring her over, so I don’t think it’s serious but, uh--yeah, if I’m not home that's why. Love you, babe.”

--

Jason: you coming home anytime soon?

Damian: Jon and I are still doing school work

Damian: why?

Jason: Dick is bringing Mari over

Jason: she’s sick and we don’t have any flu meds and I’m not about to make Dick make a pit stop which a sick kid

Damian: understandable

Damian: I’ll be home soon

Damian: text me what medicine you need

--