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Four months. That’s how long it had been since Kat had killed herself. Catherine was still reeling. How could she have missed this? She had read scripture with this girl every day for two months and she didn’t notice a thing?
Kat had left Catherine a letter that she hadn’t opened yet. She was sure it would say something like “it’s not your fault, you couldn’t do anything, etc, etc, etc” Catherine refused to believe that. If only she had looked harder, tried harder, prayed harder. If God had truly trusted her and thought she was good enough, He would have given her a way to reach Katherine in her state. He could have stopped Katherine if he had truly loved her. After Kat had died, Catherine came to a single conclusion: God was a terrible person who was not worthy of her love.
After Kat’s … death, the queens were constantly checking in on each other, making sure that everyone was okay, not wanting a repeat of February 13. Some of the queens, like Jane, were finding solace in religion. Catherine was not. Every time she thought about God, or His word, all she felt was hate. How could He have let this happen? How could she have let this happen?
«☆»
Katherine’s letter sat on Aragon’s desk, waiting. Catherine could not bring herself to open it. It would completely break her, and it seemed as though she was the only one keeping it together. The downside to keeping it all together was that you don’t have an outlet. Nowhere to let the pain go. It just sat there, simmering and rising. It felt as though Aragon was drowning. Is this how she felt? There’s no way of knowing, not anymore. Unless…
Catherine
The letter seemed to be calling to her. But she couldn’t open it. She needed to remain together, to stay steady and strong for the other girls. She was the oldest, and while the mother-figure title belonged to Jane, Catherine still felt a heavy responsibility. Jane was, by no means, keeping it together. And what do kids do when their mother’s unable to stand upright without tears in her eyes? They break down. they copy their mother. Because of this, Catherine had not cried since she found out about Kat’s death. It was unhealthy, sure, but Catherine didn’t think that she could survive a breakdown.
All of Catherine’s emotions were swirling inside her, trapped. She had to get them out. To do so, she turned something most horrible that would be condemned on the eyes of God. She began to cut. (Just like Katherine, which she would know if she would read the damn letter) Catherine hated herself every time the razor blade went beneath her skin, but she had to do it. No one would know, so long as she did it in areas they would never see. She did it on her upper thighs, upper arms, and torso. It was almost always cold in England, so there was a very slim chance anybody would have any reason to see those areas of her body.
«☆»
Catherine had been cutting for about two weeks when she got caught. She was sitting in her bedroom, staring at Kat’s letter and cutting very slow, deliberate lines on her thighs. She kept thinking how if only she could just bring herself to break the seal and read the last thing Katherine had left for her, she would either be brought closer to her and God or completely detached from this world. Catherine didn’t think she would mind either option and was trying to build up the courage to open the letter when Anne, in all of her chaoticness, threw open her door.
“CATHERINE I NEED YOUR HELP THE COOKIES I MADE AR- what the hell are you doing?”
Catherine dropped the razor blade, staring at Anne, in complete shock. Her thigh wasn’t bleeding too badly, she had only cut twice that day, but the other scars were bright red.
“Anne, I swear, this isn’t what it looks like.”
“Are you going to leave us too?” Anne asked in such a broken voice that Catherine could almost feel her soul breaking apart.
“No, love. I’m never leaving you. Not after her.”
“Then why?” Anne had closed the door and slid down to the floor, staring at Catherine with wide eyes. Catherine sighed. How was she going to explain this?
“I just… I don’t really know. All of my feelings were stuck inside, and I didn’t have a way to let them out… so I started cutting. I hate myself more than you could imagine when I do this, so please, don’t start.”
“Why didn’t you just talk to me? You can always talk to me, you know that”
“I can?” Catherine’s voice broke on the last bit. Anne’s heart broke all over again.
“Of course you can! I love you so much, and after all that you’ve done for us over these last few months, it would be terrible if I didn’t let you come to me! I’ve come to in the middle of the night several times, how could it possibly be fair if I didn’t return the favor?”
And with that, Catherine finally broke down. Anne walked her over to the bed and held her until the tears stopped, and for a long time after that. Catherine made a promise to Anne that she would stop cutting immediately. Anne wouldn’t tell the other queens, and Catherine had to come to her anytime she felt like this.
«☆»
Over the next few months, Anne and Catherine became incredibly close. It baffled a few of the other queens, but no one said anything. It surprised Catherine when she learned that Anne too, had not read her letter. They promised each other that, when they did read the letter, they would find each other immediately. Both of them knew they did not want to end up alone after reading the letter. It was November 28 when Catherine decided it was finally time to read the letter.
«☆»
Catherine
She slid her finger along the seal carefully, not wanting to ruin anything. With shaking hands, she pulled out the letter and began to read.
Dearest Catherine,
I know that this will come as a shock to you, I expect it will come as a shock to all of you. I am truly sorry for how I have left you. I do not think that God had planned my ending like this, but alas.
I know that your faith is very dear to you, as it is to all of us, but you cherish it more than others.
I want to ask you to pray for me. I want you to pray that my soul will not be lost among all the others. I want you to pray that G-d will let me into Heaven. He and I have made peace with my decision, but I think that I will need the extra help.
If you don’t read this letter immediately after my death, as I suspect you won’t, I want to hear something; or rather, read something. My death was not your fault. Do you see these words? Read them again. It was not. your. fault. There was nothing you could do. It was my time. I guess you’ll want an explanation as to why a seventeen-year-old girl who was given a second chance at life killed herself. That’s tough to explain, now that I think about it.
Imagine: you lived your life as people made you. You were raped and abused far more than any person should ever be. You get beheaded for something you did not do. And then, you come back to life. All the history books have to say is that “she was the young and pretty one”. That was not your life, and you know it. The internet says that you were a slut. A bitch. A whore. That you wanted it. You were just an attention seeker. You know that that is NOT true. But no one can hear you. The words and hate are all around you. They just keep getting louder and louder until you find a way to stop them. It turns out that cutting only stops the voices for a small moment. But still, it shuts them up. Then, cutting is no longer working. Nothing is working. There is one thing, however, you know will work.
Dying.
I am so sorry that I left you all behind. I know you cared about me, as I do you. Catherine, you are so so strong. I know that Jane will not handle this well. Nobody will, and I don’t expect you to. You are allowed to fall apart. You don’t have to be strong for everyone else. That is not your job. You remember that, okay? You are allowed to fall apart. The book I’m reading right now, Tuesdays with Morrie, had a passage I think you’ll find useful.
“ “Dying,” Morrie suddenly said, “is only one thing to be sad over, Mitch. Living unhappily is something else. […] “I may be dying, but I am surrounded by loving caring souls. How many people can say that?”“
This letter is getting quite long, isn’t it? Well, I have one final thing to write before I sign my name. G-d has not abondoned you. I believe that you will take my death very seriously and either get closer to G-d, or run away from Him completely. He did nothing wrong. I asked Him to not say anything to any of you, and he respected that wish. I’m sure He wanted to tell you, but G-d does not break promises, right? Once upon a time, you made a promise to G-d, that you would always love and believe in Him. It’ll seem like bullshit right after my death, I’m sure, but try and remember. I promised Him that you would try.
All my love,
Katherine Howard
«☆»
Catherine was in tears. It was the middle of the night, but she had to find Anne. She promised her she would. When she opens Anne’s bedroom door, she finds Anne waiting for her.
“I had a feeling tonight was the night.” Catherine nodded and crawled into Anne’s bed. “Do you want to talk about it?” Anne asked gently. Catherine shook her head. Instead, she just laid there, arms wrapped around Anne, in deep thought.
How am I supposed to forgive God? After what He did? She thought about it until sunlight began streaming through Anne’s window. It was Kat’s last wish for her to find God again. She supposed she could try.
On Sunday, Catherine went to her first church service in 9 months. She couldn’t believe how much relief she felt flowing through her. She stayed afterward to talk to the Father. He gave her advice and she followed it.
Catherine of Aragon had finally begun to heal. There would still be bad days, but this was, at the very least, a start.