Work Text:
Katherine heard the words all around her.
slutbitchwanteditwhoreattentionseekeridiotslutwhorebitchattentionwhore
All around her. It was overwhelming. She simply could. not. breathe. Katherine just wanted it to stop, it was too much, it was too loud and it needed to stop.
She had started cutting about a year ago when the voices first became too much. She had felt the sharp pain and instant relief had flooded through her. She knew this was wrong. Katherine could not imagine what would happen if one of the other queens had found out that she was hurting herself. In all honesty, Katherine didn’t quite see what was wrong with cutting. It’s not like it was affecting anybody else. She carried on, knowing it was bad, but simply could not stop it.
However, the voices had been getting quite strong lately, and cutting wasn’t enough anymore. She still did it on a nightly basis, in the shower, where no one else would see her. She still carved little marks on her hips, still felt relief, but not as much as she would like. Cutting used to shut the voices up entirely, but now when she did it, they were still there, buzzing. Katherine hated it.
On one particularly bad day, Katherine was struggling to think straight. She had put her headphones in with the hope that the music would drown out the voices. It didn’t work entirely. They would still drift in, mingling with the lyrics, making the songs into some horrible nightmare.
“-therine? Katherine? Did you hear me?” Cathy asked.
Katherine took out her earbuds, “No, sorry. What did you say?” Katherine’s head was spinning. Without the music, the voices were back at full volume, vying for her attention.
“I asked if you wanted to go for a walk or something. I’ve been up all night, and it looks like you have too. I think a breath of fresh air could do both of us some good.”
Katherine considered the offer. Did she really look bad enough that other people could tell she hadn’t slept? “Can I bring my headphones? Music makes me feel more awake.” She had lied about music making her feel more awake, but it did make her feel better.
“Sure. I never said we had to talk.” Cathy replied. Of course, she wouldn’t want to talk to Katherine. She was just a seventeen year old with more scars on her body than anybody could count. She probably shouldn’t even go on the walk, it would be pointless. She should just stay home, get some sleep, if able. What good would a walk with someone who didn’t want to talk to you do?
Katherine went on the walk.
«☆»
Surprise, surprise. The walk did not make Kat feel better. In fact, it made her feel worse. She and Cathy and passed over a bridge on their way to a small cafe, and the whole time the only thing Katherine could think was “jump, coward, jump. they don’t want you. you know that. jump, coward, jump. they don’t want yo-” over and over again. However, the bridge did give Katherine an idea. A most horrible idea that she knows a person should never think. I should kill myself. One night, at midnight, I should sneak out and go the bridge. I should jump. Last time I died, it was forced. This time, it’ll be on my terms.
And so began the self-destruction of Katherine Howard.
«☆»
First, she set the date: February 13, the day of her last death. A bit ironic, she supposes, but it was easiest to die on a day that had previously been picked for her. February 13 was in two months. Katherine had two months to prepare herself for her death. Of course, she knew that killing herself without slightly preparing the queens would be selfish. Not as selfish as taking her own life, sure, but she couldn’t just leave them with nothing. However, Katherine could not get closer to the queens than she already was without questioning her decision.
Slowly, over the next two months, she began to pack her things. She couldn’t do this while others were awake, so she packed at night. Katherine knew it would be painful for the others to have to pack her things when she was dead, so she decided to do it for them. She had planned out several outfits so that she could pack away her clothes. Katherine kept the boxes anywhere she could, which was limited to her closet and under her bed. There were a few things she couldn’t bear to put away, not yet at least. She decided she would leave those on her bed or her desk when the time came. (One thing she would not leave on her bed, but couldn’t live without was her blades. A bit twisted, but no one needed to know about those.)
During the two months, she also formulated a plan for February 13. Katherine would wake up and go about her day, as she had been doing, but on this day, she would spend it with her family, as best she could without stirring up too many emotions. Then, when everyone was asleep (except for maybe Cathy, who would be too absorbed in her writing to notice Kat slipping out) she would take her blades, and leave the house. When she arrived at the bridge, she would cut into an area of her body she had never done before, her forearms. Kat didn’t want to take the chance that the fall from the bridge wouldn’t be enough, so she’d cut her arms, just to ensure that she would be dead.
«☆»
It was January 13. One month left. Kat had been packing, just a few things every night. She had still been cutting every night. Her hips were so inflamed it hurt to walk, but the pain felt good. It helped quiet the voices down. It was time, Kat decided, to start writing the letters. One to each of the five queens. Explaining her decision. How it was not their fault, it was just time. How she had come to terms with it. How she and God had made their peace and she was sure that he would let her into Heaven, but she would like it if they prayed for her anyway. She wanted them to pray that her soul would not be lost among all the others. She wanted them to pray that God would welcome her into His kingdom. She wanted them to pray that He would forgive her for taking her life without His explicit permission.
Katherine had not expected the letters to be so heart-wrenching. It was a lot harder than she expected, saying goodbye to people she had begun to consider family. The days were flying past, and The Day was coming closer. Katherine was becoming slightly less sure about her decision, but it was too late. She was too far gone for anybody to help. Katherine knew this. She had made her peace with it. Was she excited about her death? No, of course not. Was she looking forward to leaving her family behind? No, of course not. But was she looking forward to getting an everlasting reprieve from the voices, who at this point were so loud Katherine could do nothing about them? Yes. She was looking forward to that.
«☆»
Today was the day. Today was the day Katherine Howard would cease to exist. Nobody else in the world knew this. It was her secret. She spent the day as planned. She laughed and smiled and had what may have been the best day she’s had in a very long time. Kat and Aragon read scripture together, which Kat had initiated the day she set her death date. While she and Catherine were from differing sects of Christianity, they still sat together in the morning and read God’s word. Katherine had wanted to leave Aragon with nice memories of her. It hurt Katherine, just a little bit, to know this was the last time they would do this. Kat talked with Cathy about a book she had just finished (the last book she would ever read). She, Anne, and Anna played several rounds of Clue(Kat always won. It made Anne a bit pouty, but she wasn’t serious). Katherine finished a blanket she had been knitting while Jane knitted something of her own. Kat could leave them the blanket and hope they used it to grieve her. She had realized something that day. They would grieve her. They did care about her, no matter what she believed. It hurt Kat to know she would be leaving what may be the only people who had truly loved her.
«☆»
11:00 PM
Katherine Howard prepares her room. All of her clothes are packed away. All the things she could live without were in boxes. Only a few things remained out. Her bed was made neatly. Her desk was cleared, with only a few pens and a blank pad of paper. Her blades were in a small, ornate box, just sitting on her desk. That didn’t matter. They wouldn’t be there for long. On her bed laid a few of her prized possessions she wanted them to keep, in remembrance of her. Her teddy bear, her newly finished blanket, a picture she had taken of all of them, and of course, the letters. Each one in a sealed envelope, with their names written in loopy cursive.
Catherine
Anne
Jane
Anna
Cathy
11:29 PM
Katherine Howard leaves her house. She only has her blades with her. It’s bitterly cold outside, but that wouldn’t matter for much longer. Katherine walks to the bridge. Over the past two months, Katherine had walked to the bridge enough to figure out exactly how long it would take to get there. It would take her 26 minutes to get there at 11:55 PM. That would give her enough time to say her final prayers, cut her arms, and jump. God, was she scared.
11:57 PM
Prayers had been said. Katherine had prayed for forgiveness because while she may have made her peace with the Lord, she knew what she was about to do was wrong. Kat was shaking like a leaf. She was terrified. Who wouldn’t be, just moments away from their death? She bowed her head once again and uttered a Hail Mary. “Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among women and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now, and at the hour of our death.
Amen.”
11:58 PM
Katherine looked around for anyone. She wanted to be alone. She wanted no one to try and stop her. She had to do this. It was time. She took a deep breath and fished her blades out of her pocket. She rolled up her sleeve. She pressed down. Hard. Blood began welling up immediately. Katherine’s heart began pumping faster. What am I doing? She pressed the blade down on her other arm. Hard. This is it, isn’t it? She gasped. It was time. Time to say goodbye.
She climbed up on the ledge, and just before she jumped, a snippet of a song filtered through her mind.
And if you're still breathing, you're the lucky ones
'Cause most of us are heaving through corrupted lungs
11:59 PM
Katherine Howard hits the water. She dies on impact. Turns out that the blades weren’t necessary.
«☆»
Jane knocked lightly on Katherine’s door. It was unusual for Kat to sleep in this late.
“Kat? Love? It’s time to get up. Aragon says you’ve missed your scripture reading with her. We were wonder if something’s wrong.” No response. Jane knocked again, this time with a bit more force. The door drifted open. How unusual. It wasn’t like Kat to leave her door unlocked at night. She preferred to know that no one could get in.
Katherine Howard is not in bed.
In fact, her bed is perfectly made, with a few things on it. A bear, a photo, the blanket she had finished yesterday, and … letters?
Jane walked over to the bed, noting how bare Katherine’s room seemed. Did it look like this the last time she had been in here? She picked up the letter inscribed “Jane”. As she read, she began sobbing uncontrollably. The other queens had raced into the room, confused as to what was happening. Jane managed to choke out through her sobs, “S-s- she’s gone. She’s k-k-k killed herself!” Jane continued sobbing. “She’s left letters for each of us. You don’t have to read them now, I don’t think.” And with that, Jane could no longer speak. Everyone else was crying, in complete shock. They all had one question running through their minds. Anne, however, was the one who voiced it. Her voice was low and broken.
“How could we have missed this?”