Work Text:
MAG028 – Resident 1003 – “Cheating Life”
KEEPER
Interview with Madeline Thence, regarding her own life. Original interview taken June 4th 1972. Audio recording by Jonathan Sims, Record Keeper of the Magnus Sanctuary, London. Interview begins.
KEEPER (INTERVIEW)
Would you like a story, Miss Robinson? Oh what am I saying, of course you would.
So let me tell you a story.
… Once upon a time there was a commoner girl. She was plain of face and features, simple in clothing, and poor in possessions. Her mother had died so long ago, and her father had been so anguished that he'd left the world soon after her. She'd been alone for so very long, and though she could live off the land, what she did was not truly living: it was merely existing, you see. And she did not like how it felt to merely exist. She had no religion to warn her of damnation as consequence for self-destruction. And as such, after existing so long without living, she thought that perhaps not existing would be better.
She was wrong, of course, but it is what she thought.
But, in the back of her mind, she resolved to find ways to bring death to her doorstep without the toil of aging. She considered starvation or thirst, but decided against it: no matter what fate the mind resolved itself to, so many ways to die were utterly refused by the body. Dying of starvation or thirst was akin to dying by holding your breath… which is to say, almost impossible.
But still, she decided, death would be easier than existence. So she resolved to end herself another way, by going to the river west of her farm. There was a bridge, terribly high up from the rocky water below, and leaping from it would carry her to her death in moments. Her body would be carried to sea, or lake, or marsh, forgotten by life and the living. And this would be the way she liked, she told herself: Such a quick and grim death, and such an unfortunate resting place, would be fitting for such an empty existence.
She was wrong, of course, but it is what she thought.
The sun rose above the land she called home, and with a kind of sad relief, she woke from her sleep. Today, this clear and cold day, would be the last of her life- no, not her life… her existence. So she stepped out from her home, began her long journey to the river bridge, and ignored the world. She ignored the bright and crisp autumn sky above and the warm and wet earth below, and the pleading voice inside that remained beneath the agony and anguish. This was what she wanted in earnest, even if it was not what she needed.
The commoner girl stood at the bridge's stone wall, looking down, down, down, at the crashing white water below. Deep in her unconscious, she had the silent thought that this was not right- That someone should be there, to keep her from doing this, that she should not have been allowed to take her own life this way. The thought lasted only an instant, dying in her mind as she began to climb atop the wall. Her breath heavy, her cheeks soaked and stinging with tears, she took her step. She fell…
… And that was the Moment the story could have ended. But it did not.
For when the commoner girl opened her eyes, she once again found herself atop the stone wall, caught in midstep. A hand was on her right shoulder, holding her steady and stopping her fall. It was then that she smelled the scent of… Warm. Warm bread, warm pastries, warm cookies, warm clothes. You would have expected Life to smell like fields of flowers and pollened air, but it did not. And the commoner girl new it immediately. Even before she turned to look at the being holding her back from her fatal fall, she knew that it was Life itself.
To say that Life was a woman would be a disservice: The being before the commoner girl, with rich black skin, and sparkling brown eyes, and a dress of richest emerald, was as much a woman as a forest is a single tree. She was a hundred lives, a hundred moments, a presence so very beautiful, and… lifelike. And that was the being that kept her from falling, now.
"Let me go." The commoner girl begged, and her voice caught a bit- It had been so long since she had spoken to anyone but herself. "Please, please, let me die."
Life looked so sad then. So sad, that the commoner girl almost began to cry on the spot. "I do not want to. You are so precious, and death is no gift."
The commoner girl shook her head. "You may think so, but Life, I reject you! I don't want to be yours anymore! You have brought me only pain and loneliness... death will be numb, and I will not be lonesome."
"I do not want to… but… I will make a wager, precious girl." Life said, her green dress shifting with the trees. "If you win my games, if you do not wish for life, then I will let you die.”
The commoner girl was taken aback, at first. She wanted to die. That was so little to ask, wasn’t it? So very little. And Life, such an ever-present being, wanted to stop her. It was selfishly clawing at her, so very, very, selfishly… And yet, the commoner girl knew that Life was strong. She would not be able to escape Life, or pull away, so if she truly meant to find the release she craved, she would have to play along with Life. She would have to play Life’s games. So, she agreed.
Life smiled, eagerly, and the commoner girl could see relief in her eyes. She felt guilty, then. Life truly did seem to care for her, to want her here. But she did not feel the same for Life: After all, Life had offered her nothing but loss and lost things. Paltry pleasures so very rarely, amidst a sea of tears and mediocrity and despair. So caught up was the commoner girl in her determination not to pity the woman that was Life, that she had almost forgotten how much she wished to die.
Almost.
Within a Moment, and a blink of the eye, Life and the commoner girl were sitting across from one another at a table sat upon the bridge. Life then began to lay out a series of playing boards on the cobblestone beside them, boards from games across the world, from games that the girl had never even heard of. Backgammon, Semet, Mehen, Nine Men’s Morris, Draughts, and a dozen others. The girl was puzzled, again, so much so that she almost forgot how much she wished to die.
“Wouldn’t Chess be more… traditional?” She asked. She had heard stories like this, stories of people who played chess against the fey and the faeries, always outplayed and outmatched.
Life shook her head, amused. “No, no, no! You and I, my precious girl, we live now. What use is a game so concerned with later?” She gestured to her games, then, clearly offering the girl a choice. “The thrills of dice and playing pieces, of Moments and Moments again, of smiles, of laughter... these are the games I play.” The commoner girl did not understand, but smiled, sadly. Life’s eyes lit up. “There, you see? You smile already, precious girl.”
And so, the commoner girl, a young woman who came from nothing and lost everything, played games with Life... And despite her ageless wisdoms, Life was a horrid player. She made no plans, remembered no mistakes, celebrated her simple victories with childlike glee, and mourned her many losses for no more than a Moment. And seeing her, seeing Life, so happy to play with her… The sight came very close to purging the thoughts of death from the commoner girl’s mind. So very close.
She and Life played for hours, or perhaps days, or perhaps weeks, without rest or reprieve. Neither would have asked for it, as each was enjoying their time. For as they played, the commoner girl began to laugh along to Life's childish jokes; She smiled as Life smiled, and played with reckless abandon as Life did. Soon enough, she had begun to forget why she wished to win, she had begun to forget the thoughts of her demise. Truth be told, by the third round of draughts, she truly wanted nothing more than to lose their game.
… But the thoughts in her head of hopelessness, of the lifeless living she would have to return to once Life tired of their games, only strengthened the deep emptiness writhing in her heart. She would die. She had to, to escape that awful feeling. She knew it, and as she saw the sadness on Life’s face, she knew Life must have known it too.
“The game is almost over.” Life said, and for the first time, her voice was as somber as it was when the commoner girl first lept. “Precious girl, if you still wish to fall, then winning will let you.” She continued, turning to stare out at the world, so very very sadly… and the commoner girl, taking advantage of Life’s brief distraction, took a draughts piece from the board. She cheated.
When Life returned her attention to the board again, it became clear that the game was lost. One final move on the commoner’s part would end it.
Life stood up, simply, and began to pack up her boards. There was no fanfare, no glorious music, no disappearance of the table into the wind. Simply a sad concession of her loss. She nodded to the bridge’s wall. “I cannot stop you now.” She said. “In truth, precious girl, I never could. But I thought if I could stay death’s hand… Perhaps there would be a chance.”
The commoner girl felt no shortage of guilt, nor any shortage of regret. But she was certain now, and nothing could stop her... not even Life’s glowing brown eyes, nearly watery with tears. So the girl stepped back up to the bridge’s wall, her resolve stronger than the stone upon which she stood. And with tears in her own eyes she lept-
And she fell. And as she fell, she felt nothing but regret, and anger. What had she done? What had she done? She had let the demons of the mind take her, play with her heart and sew the most foolish of thoughts into her head. She wished to die as she had lived a lifeless existence, and yet had rejected Life itself when it intervened on her behalf. Her loneliness had been torn to pieces as she played games, she had been precious, and she had thrown it all aside in her stubborn determination to die. She didn’t want to die. No, no, it was more than that now- She didn’t care if she died, not really- it was that she wanted to live. That realization shook her very being, and she wished she could go back, that she could go into the world and enjoy it, Moment by Moment, live in the present, live, live, live…
And with that, she softly collided with the water, entirely unharmed.
She stood up sharply, confused and in shock. Her clothes were soaked through now, but she felt no unpleasant wetness. Everything was… warm, now. Comforting and lovely. She stood in this moment and felt more alive than ever, and she laughed aloud with the deepest relief she had ever felt. She turned up to the bridge, and laughed, and cried, and sang out to Life who still stood there: “I am alive! But… You said that if I won your games, you would let me die!”
Life, tears flowing down her cheeks, smiled and laughed in kind. “Ah but precious girl… I said more than that.”
The end.
Of course, the girl lived beyond the end of that story. In fact, she lived as long as she wanted to… Which, was forever. See, the offer that Life extended didn’t just end with the bridge. From that day on, as long as the girl still wished to stay alive... as long as she lived in the present, and did not let herself embrace death… she would live. So she lived.
In her time on earth, she worked so hard to be happy. She fought the demons inside her, and found things that kept them at bay. She discovered that the Life she met on the bridge was not alone: There were so many like her, ageless and timeless, who always took death from those that wanted it. But she’d always look back on the Life that saved her. And maybe, she met Life again.
… And, more recently, she started taking antidepressants, and seeing a therapist to help. Thank you, by the way.
… On the topic, I get that it might be a touch unprofessional, but would you mind coming around to my room for game night? My girlfriend would love to meet you.
KEEPER
Interview ends.
… The phrase “death wish” has become all-to-common in my mind as of late. Ever since Sasha mentioned it in reference to Martin, I have begun to notice it in the people all around me: So many residents don’t see their lives as worthwhile. They simply exist without living.
I used to think that suicidal states of mind were simple, that a person would be fine as long as they didn’t want to die. I’ve come to realize that it’s more than that. You have to want to live. And if you don’t want to, that doesn’t make you lazy or foolish, it just means that you need to desperately, tirelessly, crawl your way into that. You have to get a foothold. Before you can live healthily and happily, you need to live.
[LONG, SOLEMN SILENCE]
(Loudly) Tim!!
[A DOOR OPENS, TIM COMES IN TO THE OFFICE]
TIM
What is it this time?
KEEPER
... Would you mind asking Martin if he’d like to play board games with us?
[LONG, TENSE SILENCE]
TIM
(Utterly exhausted) You know what? Sure. Why the hell not.
[CLICK]