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It was late, and Gray knew that he should be asleep as Erza had informed them that she and Lucy would be leaving without them if they were late again. It hadn’t been an idle threat. Yet he was still wide awake, sprawled on his back and staring up at the ceiling, sleep alluding him. Well no, that wasn’t strictly true, as he hadn’t really put much effort into going to sleep. It wasn’t that he wasn’t tired, or that he was in the mood for challenging Erza’s patience, he just… he wasn’t sure what he was if he was honest. He’d been on edge for the last couple of days, and yet he hadn’t been able to put his finger on why. It had been peaceful for the last few months, with nothing more stressful that stopping Natsu from going overboard when they were on jobs to fracture the quiet. There was no looming threat that they knew of, the guild was back to its usual chaotic self, and the jobs were coming in thick and fast.
So, why do I feel as though it could all be snatched away at any moment?
That wasn’t exactly a new feeling, especially with how close they had come to losing everything, not just once or twice but multiple times. After the war with Alvarez and Zeref, the feeling had been worse, lingering beneath everything even as they started to rebuild and move forward, but it had been fading day by day, week by week. Until even Gray had allowed himself to admit that it was over.
Grumbling under his breath, hating this unfounded agitation and silently, fervently praying that it wasn’t a premonition of things to come he rolled onto his sight. Seeking out the comforting sight of Natsu snoring softly, face relaxed and mouth slack, drool slipping down his chin as he snuffled and muttered something that sounded distinctly like a challenge. Idiot. A smile tugged at the Ice Mage’s lips, an almost instinctual reaction to the Dragon-slayer’s presence these days, and he couldn’t help but shift closer, seeking the comforting warmth that he had once complained about incessantly. It was part of his life now, and a welcome one, and yet tonight as he curled into that familiar heat, he shivered suddenly ill at ease although he refused to pull away.
Instead, he propped himself up on one elbow to study his boyfriend. If anything, it had taken Natsu longer to shake that feeling than it had Gray, heightened by the fact that the Dragon-slayer had come closer to death than any of them, and more than once. And it had taken a long time for the nightmares to fade, for Natsu to stop waking up pleading with Gray not to let him fade away or become a monster, and they still cropped up occasionally. There was no sign of that tonight though. Natsu looked peaceful, and even his snoring seemed softer than usual, although Gray knew from prolonged exposure to the noise that it would probably get louder.
There was something about that peace that called to him, and even though the Dragon-slayer’s warmth had unsettled him, he found himself reaching out. It was grounding in a way to touch Natsu, to feel the solid warmth, and feel him breathing deeply. Alive. Safe. Here. Gray sighed, something settling in his chest, and slowly he began to trail his fingers across Natsu’s skin. It was a familiar path, and he was careful to avoid the ticklish spots as he didn’t want to disturb his boyfriend’s peace.
This was something that he had always loved to do from the moment that their relationship had changed to the point where he could reach out and touch, not with fists, but gentle, searching fingers. Mapping out the Dragon-slayer’s body, learning it inside and out as he traced the lines of Natsu’s muscles, locating and memorising every dimple and dip, the smallest of scars to the largest until he felt as though he knew his partner’s body better than he knew his own. It helped that Natsu had always loved it when he did it, watching him with soft, wondering eyes, and melting beneath the gentle ministrations. However, tonight he realised that even this had changed.
It was different now because even here in the safety of their own home and bed, and with Natsu’s warmth surrounding them both, it was impossible to ignore the fact that things were different. That everything that had happened to them, the changes to their world beyond this sanctuary, was seeping into the space between them. It was there in those lingering nightmares, in the itch beneath his skin that left him feeling off-kilter and waiting for things to fall apart, and it was written across the skin beneath his searching fingers.
Natsu…
They both had more scars now, both physical and emotional, some more healed than others, and his breath caught as fingers brushed against the ones that he had inflicted. The wounds he had inflicted in a moment of rage, the scars he had left behind because he had lost control back then. Allowing his anger to take over when he’d learned who Natsu was and what he could become. It had been easier at that moment to slip beneath the surface, to let that fury take control because the weight of the knowledge and the burden of the promise he’d made his father had been too much in the face of the thought that this was Natsu. His Natsu. In the end, he had only managed to leave behind scars, coming back to himself thanks to Erza before it could become something worse, something more permanent that neither of them would have been able to come back from.
It could have been much worse, he knew that deep down, and Natsu had told him often enough, brushing aside the scars as though they were nothing. Gray had accepted his words at least on the surface, but deep down, he had always wondered how Natsu could have forgiven him so quickly. Why? Why did you let us go back to how we’d been before all this? As though nothing had changed, as though I hadn’t nearly…
How can you let me touch you?”
Gray felt as though he’d just pulled the scab off a deep, wound that he’d thought long healed, everything welling up from beneath the surface, and there was a roaring noise in his ears as the questions and doubts crashed over him like a tidal wave. Why? I-I shouldn’t…
“You should be asleep.” The sleepy whisper cut through the roaring sound as clearly as though the words had been shouted, and he froze, fingers still resting against Natsu’s chest as his eyes flew up to the Dragon-slayer’s face. Natsu was awake, eyes still heavy with sleep but focused on him, and not knowing what else to do under that watchful gaze, Gray ducked his head.
“So, should you.”
It was a weak retort, and it seemed to hang in the air between them as silence followed. It wasn’t quite awkward, more expectant, and even though he hadn’t looked up again, Gray could feel the Dragon-slayer watching him. He wondered what Natsu saw right then. Did he see the doubts? The Guilt? The sudden and growing fear that now he had touched on those thoughts they would manifest, and that Natsu would pull away from him? “I…” That last thought drove him to try and speak up, because the thought of losing Natsu…
He hadn’t realised that he was practically clutching at the Dragon-slayer’s chest, desperately trying to stop that from happening, until a warm hand grasped his. Fingers tangling with his and holding on tight when Gray’s panic made him do a complete one-eighty and try to pull away, but half-asleep though he was, Natsu wasn’t letting him go. The roaring noise was back again, blocking out everything else as he fought to escape. If he pulled away now, maybe Natsu would forgive him. Perhaps they could salvage something, and…
“…ray?! GRAY!” It was only when Natsu raised his voice, flame dancing in his mouth as his magic rose in response to his emotion, that he realised that the Dragon-slayer had been calling to him. It took him another moment to realise that there had been no anger in that shout and that Natsu was still holding on to him, squeezing his fingers gently now that he had his attention and there was something about that surprisingly tender action that made him lift his head. His breath catching as he found himself staring into surprisingly frantic eyes, as though Natsu was right there teetering on the edge of panic with him, but that couldn’t be right, because Natsu had nothing to fear. No guilt… “I hurt you too,” Natsu whispered, and it was though all the air had been sucked out of the room as Gray realised two things, one that he must’ve been babbling as he fought to get free and two that Natsu had been right there on the edge with him.
Oh.
“That…” Gray immediately protested, ready to wave that aside, even as he shivered at the memory of E.N.D. or at least part of him, consuming Natsu’s features, twisting them into something less than human as Natsu had rushed at him, echoing his fury. Natsu hadn’t been in control of himself, while Gray had given in to his anger at that moment.
“How is what I did to you any different?” Natsu asked before he could continue, the hand that wasn’t holding Gray’s stretching out to brush against one of the scars he had given the Ice Mage. “Because I wasn’t in control?” Gray couldn’t speak, unable to see where this was going, but locked in place by how serious and focused Natsu was in that moment. “Neither were you. You were scared and grieving, you’d just learned what I w-was…” There was a waver then, as Natsu broached the topic that he still tried to avoid as much as possible. “And your magic wanted to hunt and destroy.”
“But…” Gray had heard all this before. From Natsu. From Erza when he had gone to apologise for his actions once the fighting was over. It had been Mira, catching the tail end of one of their conversations who’d pointed out that his magic had likely made the situation worse, especially as he’d only had a year to master it.
‘It doesn’t matter how you come by it, any magic that has is related to demons will always have a will of its own, and for those of us that use that kind of magic, it is always going to be a battle of wills. And sometimes, we will lose that fight, but the important thing is to acknowledge that and to win as often as you can to offset those moments.’
He could hear her words now, and yet it felt like an easy absolution and one that he didn’t deserve, and yet he found himself unable to continue. “Even if it had been different, it wouldn’t matter,” Natsu said after a minute of silence, and Gray could only stare at him, not understanding. There was a tug on the hand that the Dragon-slayer was holding, and not knowing what else to do. Gray allowed himself to be tugged forwards until he fell against Natsu. The Dragon-slayer’s warmth immediately wrapped around him, as real and comforting as any hug, at least until Natsu shifted, pulling his hand free in favour of drawing Gray into a tight embrace. He wanted to fight it, and yet he didn’t, because this was Natsu, his Natsu, and the wrongness from before was slipping away even though the doubts lingered.
“Why wouldn’t it matter?” The question crept out unbidden, and he felt rather than saw Natsu smile as he nuzzled close.
“Because, you’re mine and I’m yours,” Natsu murmured, with such fierce certainty that Gray had no choice but to believe him. “I would always have come back to you, no matter what happened.”
“But, if Erza…”
“We would have stopped,” Natsu cut across him, and Gray twisted so that he could see the Dragon-slayer’s face even as Natsu added quietly. “I’ve always believed that.” It wasn’t a lie. There was no hint of deception in his expression, and no hesitation in the gaze that met his. Natsu believed what he was saying, believed that the two raging demons that had fought that day could’ve stopped, and Gray… Gray found himself almost believing him.
He wanted to.
He wanted to believe that at some point he would have remembered of his own accord what Natsu meant to him and that it would have been more than a promise made to a dead man. But what if I hadn’t? What if Natsu was wrong, and he hadn’t been able to stop himself? He almost wanted to laugh at the realisation that he could accept and believe that Natsu – that E.N.D – would have been able to stop, but not him. “Look at me,” Natsu growled, not angry but frustrated perhaps and Gray couldn’t deny him at that moment, and he looked up, not sure when he had turned away. Natsu was staring at him, a fire in his eyes that the Ice Mage hadn’t seen for a while. Then the Dragon-slayer had hold of his hand again and was pressing it to the scars that he had been tracing earlier, the ones that he had inflicted. “They’re just scars, Gray. A sign of how far we’ve come, and how hard we’ve fought to get to this point.”
“But…”
“And not one of them was a killing blow…” It was said softly, factually and it took a moment for the words to register, and then Gray blinked. They… He looked down, forcing himself to look at the marks he had left, stomach-churning as he remembered how he had inflicted each one, the words he had snarled in Natsu’s face, and yet…
“They weren’t…” Soft and wondering, and almost hopeful. Natsu wasn’t guiding his hand now, letting Gray reach out of his own accord to touch each mark in turn. With Natsu’s words ringing in his ears, and the clarity brought by time, he realised that the Dragon-slayer was right – he had been furious and lashing out, determined to make E.N.D. hurt as much as he was hurting, but he hadn’t aimed to kill. “I didn’t want to kill him…?”
“You didn’t want to kill me,” Natsu corrected with a tight smile before he reached out and pressed a hand to the largest of the scars, he had given Gray during that fight. “And I didn’t want to kill you.” Gray’s eyes softened at that, hearing the faint uncertainty that the Dragon-slayer couldn’t mask. Sighing as he realised that as easy as it was for them to forgive each other, it was harder to forgive themselves, even when they knew the truth, and he glanced at where his hand had come to rest.
Even with this realisation, he knew that it would take the doubts longer to subside, and so he didn’t scold Natsu for doubting himself when he had believed in Gray so easily. He didn’t protest, and he didn’t, and he didn’t make any promises about no doubting himself anymore, because he knew that neither of them would believe them. Instead, he reached out and lay his hand on top of Natsu’s, cold against warm, a perfect fit as always, his voice thick as he echoed the Dragon-slayer’s earlier words.
“Because you’re mine and I’m yours.”
And it will always come back to that.