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There's a man in the middle of the clinic that seems to have come out of nowhere. He has thick, straight hair, black with flecks of red; he must not be taller than five foot three, wearing a hoodie and blue jeans. He heads toward House and grabs him.
As soon as he speaks, he realizes he has a vague Hispanic accent. He couldn't pinpoint where he's from, though
"In an alternate universe, your life is a TV show," he says, eyes twinkling as he looks at House. He swears he looks a little enamored. "And there's like, a lot of fanfiction about you banging… pretty much everyone you've ever come in contact with." He pauses. "I know you know what fanfiction is, you were in LiveJournal."
The man hands him a laptop. It looks brand new. "It's from my universe. Type in Archive of Our Own and you'll find the site most people write fanfiction in. Look for House MD in the fandom list."
"Why would I be interested in what weirdos write about me —"
"You're a narcissist," he points out. "And besides, there's a lot of weird things about you and a lot of people. Mostly Wilson and Chase."
"I hope people ship me with my husband," he mutters.
"Oh shit! "
"What?" he asks, blinking. "Are me and Wilson not at least like, having sex in this alternate universe show?"
He sighs. "There's subtext, and your actors ship you two, but…"
"Who created this thing?" he hisses out.
"Um, David Shore. I don't think he exists here, though."
"I'll go into your universe and kill him. He censored us!"
"It did have you being called needy multiple times and Wilson saying he's in charge of your relationship, though, so."
House rubs his face with his hands. "It makes obvious I bottom but doesn't actually make us gay. Okay."
"I have to go now," the man says. "Before I cause a rift in all of space and time, and whatever. See you, have fun with it."
And with that, he's gone. House looks down at the laptop, and a small smile makes its way on his face.
" Chase cowers in embarrassment, " House starts as he enters with the laptop on his free hand. " As his boss brings up his interest in bondage. That case had been telling, both about his interests and his interest in him. "
"House," Cameron says. "What the hell is that?"
"Oh, well, this gentleman gave me his laptop and told me to look House MD up. As it turns out, there's well over five thousand stories written about me in this one site." He puts the laptop on the glass table and slides it toward his team, who immediately start looking through it. "Another universe where there's a TV show about us. Apparently me and Wilson aren't married in it, though. And I'm shipped with everyone. And I mean everyone. "
"What, even Vogler?" Foreman pipes up.
House immediately takes the laptop and does a preliminary search. His face pales. "Yes, even Vogler."
Chase takes the laptop back. "There's a lot of stuff about… well."
"Yeah," House says, grinning. "A lot of people do write about me topping you. According to them, you're a massive bottom."
"According to them?" Cameron says. "That case years ago—"
"Yeah, it's according to reality, more like," he says. "First it's me and Wilson, then me and Cuddy, then me and Chase. In terms of popularity."
"Are there fics of us screwing?" Foreman asks.
House sticks his tongue out at him, eyes glinting. "What, you'd like it?"
"I'm just asking! "
"There are," House informs him cheerily.
"Let me guess, I top in all of them?"
House rolls his eyes. "Yeah, mostly. Like, they saw a Black dude and went crazy." He pauses. "There's also a lot of things about me being casually racist."
"I mean, you do look the part," he says. "But you're not really like, cracking jokes about my race twenty four seven."
"Probably a thing in the show," Cameron says. "As Foreman said, you do look the part."
"Uhh, yeah," he says, nodding. "Probably. Anyway, there's a lot of me and Cameron, too."
"Is there someone people don't ship you with?" Foreman pipes up.
He shrugs. "I think people ship everyone with everyone. There's a few fics of Chase with Wilson."
"I mean, Wilson is quite nice," Chase says.
Cameron gives him a pointed look. "Robert."
"Yeah, sorry," he says.
"Oh, I found the best part of this," House announces happily.
Foreman makes a face. "What is it?"
"You and Taub!"
"No!" Foreman exclaims. "I'm going to bed. I'm leaving early. I can't deal with this."
"Oh, you can," House informs him, laptop still on the glass table. "How about we read some steamy, steamy fic where I top Wilson?"
"You topping Wilson?" Cameron exclaims. "I mean, I get it if you top Chase, just look at him, but Wilson?!"
"They get entrenched on his boyish looks," Chase guesses. "Also, is there any like, content of me topping?"
"Like, two fics, tops."
Foreman laughs. " Tops. "
"Pun intended," House says.
Chase groans.
House stays silent for a few minutes and hums. "There's a lot of fanfiction mentioning me like, sexually harassing people."
"What's with this show and making you more awful than you actually are?" Foreman says. "You're awful enough as it is."
"Thank you, Foreman," House says, putting a hand over his chest, "I appreciate the compliment."
"Will you talk about this to your husband?" Cameron asks, grinning.
"Oh, I'll serenade him by reading a paragraph or two of me topping. He'll go insane."
"Good luck on that seduction," Chase says.
"There's a fic where… uh…," House looks over it. "There's a fic where I'm married to Wilson, but you try to seduce me because you don't know that." He laughs as he gets to the end of it. "Oh my God, why does everyone write you as such a whore?"
"Maybe because he is," Foreman suggests.
"To be fair, I did suggest a threesome, so maybe I was the whore all along."
Chase raises a brow. "I mean, are you up for—"
"No, Chase, I'm not."
"Damn," Cameron says, poking him. "Cockblocked."
"I'll talk with Wilson," he says, going to the next page on the laptop. "Maybe he's up for it, I dunno."
"Anything interesting?" Foreman asks, watching House as he looks through the pages of fanfiction.
"Uh, a surprising amount of not R-rated fic of me and Chase. These people think we have chemistry outside of me topping him, apparently."
Chase gives him a look. "I don't think there is."
Foreman groans. "We get it, Chase, you want him to top you."