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There was an Archangel in the bookshop. And not a friendly one.
Crowley had vowed to never allow any of the wankers inside ever again (with the notable exception of Raphael, and only grudgingly).
This one wasn’t even one he hated. No. It was the one he loathed more than anyone in the history of Creation, including Satan, Shadwell, God and that young demon that had huffed and rolled his eyes at his M25 presentation (he was still trying to find that fucker’s name).
This was Gabriel.
Crowley was pondering getting up from his slouch on the couch to glower at the stupid prick or pretend playing Cwazy Cupcakes on his phone to annoy him. The second option had the advantage of staying slouched, so he chose it.
Losing is extra life really quick though. He was focusing on the conversation, ready to jump in and discorporate the bastard if needed.
Gabriel was dressed in his grey, grass stained overall, his hair way too long and his hands dirty, but he still walked and talked like a righteous arsehole. His little punishment didn't seem effective so far, to Crowley's opinion.
“Our offer is still valid, Aziraphale. You could come back. I am sure it would take a while to get the papers right, but as soon as I will be Heaven’s head office again, I could arrange a… reintegration.”
The angel raised an eyebrow.
“You could even get your rank back. I can pull a few strings.”
“I didn’t lose my rank. I am still a Principality. Only God can take it away from me.”
“Now, now, Aziraphale. Of course I wasn’t speaking of that,” chuckled Gabriel, waving away the debasing rank and gaining two glares in return (one of them unnoticeable behind dark glasses, but you know. That’s the thought that count).
“No,” continued the (ex) Archangel “I was talking about your Cherub rank. I know you always dreamed of having it back.”
“I can not believe how well you know me” declared Aziraphale.
Gabriel, impervious to sarcasm, smiled proudly.
“I know. Impressed, aren’t you ? See ? You may have… erred, but you still are mostly angelic. Your brothers and sisters will always understand you better than that...” he gave Crowley a once over that was full of contempt “that thing.”
Aziraphale’s eyes flashed. Crowley grinned and stopped pretending to play, mischief overflowing him. Oh, there was fun to be had with that wanker. Who was he to refuse some fun ?
“Well, that’s true,” he declared loudly before his friend could utter whatever scathing remark he had prepared. “But understanding isn’t what I offer him. Right, angel ?”
“Oh, dear.” sighed Aziraphale, immediately recognising the demon’s tone. Crowley was in a mood.
“Ha !” Exclaimed Gabriel, standing proud “What could you offer to a Principality of Heaven that an Archangel can’t ?”
“Well, he is living in sin, for a start. With a demon. I don’t think Archangels are familiar with that kind of offering.”
“Living in…” Gabriel’s face made something complicated and hilarious, in Crowley’s opinion. He’d never seen that particular shade of red before, and he’d been around since the beginning.
“Aziraphale ! Tell me you didn’t… you did not… he is a demon ! You are… this is highly… I knew you were sullying the temple of your corporation with food, but...”
This had been a long day, and Aziraphale’s patience, who was already wearing thin, snapped. He marched towards the Archangel, making him step back towards the entry.
“Maybe you should see yourself out, Gabriel. It was a pleasure, as always, but the bookshop is about to close and I do not want my customer to think I am playing favourite by letting you overstay your welcome. Off you go. Have a nice evening.”
Gabriel found himself on the pavement, gaping as the door closed (slammed) in his face.
Aziraphale turned around to glare at his friend who was back at his phone game. This was really addictive. He was very proud for inventing it.
“Really, Crowley !”
The demon’s smile would have made the Cheshire cat jealous.
“What ? I didn’t lie.”
“Living in sin ? Really ?”
“Well, I am sinning a lot. I practically invented sin. Sin’s everywhere around me, and we both live here, after all.”
“Crowley, I have a reputation in Heaven. Did you think about that ? What will the Host think ?”
“Who cares ? They’re a lot of wankers.”
Aziraphale didn’t smile. He sighed and fretted a moment with his cufflinks, before heading towards the stairs.
Crowley jumped on his feet, his phone forgotten. This hadn’t been his goal. Aziraphale was supposed to laugh.
“Wait, angel. I thought you’ll find it amusing.”
“I do not. I don’t understand why you would say such a thing.”
“But… I… I just thought it would be funny. That you didn’t care what Heaven thought about you any more… sorry.”
“I do not care. I just don’t like that kind of rumour.”
Crowley could have slapped himself. Of course Aziraphale wouldn’t find it funny. He was enough of a pariah in Heaven already, no need to add to that.
“You mean… the rumour of you having sex with a demon ?”
Yeah, now that he was taking the time to think about it, it may have been a little too much.
“Do you really have to be that crass, my dear ?”
“Alright, alright, no “s” word. Making love to a demon, then ?”
“Well that would have been an amusing rumour, but this is not what you said. You declared you didn’t understand me at all and implied you were only close to me to satisfy my carnal appetites.”
Crowley squinted his eyes, trying to decipher his friend’s recrimination. He spoke Aziraphale almost fluently. Better than any human or angel, at least.
“You’re saying… the joke isn’t funny because the angels will think we’re having mindless sex ?”
Aziraphale eyed him with a pout.
“Well, if you intend to have Heaven believe we are having intercourse, make it at least a love story !” he answered, snapping his fingers to miracle a cup of tea into existence and heading to the backroom again. They both knew he wouldn’t drink it (miracled tea was sour). This was a gesture he was doing to convey his displeasure.
Crowley repressed a laugh, and pretended to splutter helplessly before running after him.
“What ? Wait, angel ! Love story ? What about my reputation ?”
“I am afraid I am quite put out with you, my dear. If we were indeed having carnal relations, you wouldn’t have any today, I can assure you.”
Crowley chuckled, then hid it behind a cough as the angel glared at him.
“Alright, I promise next time I imply to someone that we are having fake intercourse, we will also have a fake bloody Jane Austen level romance. That good for you ?”
Aziraphale wriggled happily, putting his cup down on the coffee table.
“Way better, yes. Wine ?”
“As if you needed to ask. I’ll get the glasses.”