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Dan always thought his life was pretty normal. He had a mom and dad who could be overprotective but he knew they loved him. He had an annoying ass little brother who was sometimes cool. He went to school, got good grades, and was in whatever school friendly musical they put on every year, even though the school only ever had funds to make it mediocre. He had friends that were loyal and made him laugh. Dan had a normal life.
At least that’s what he would have said two weeks ago. Before he found that creek-secrets Tumblr post about the closeted gay kid at school. Before he made a secret email account so he could respond with a simple “THIS.” Before his daily routine was staring at his phone and computer anticipating the next email from Fish. Before Matthew, the seemingly innocent nerdy theater kid found and screenshotted said emails. Before said nerdy kid was blackmailing him. Yeah, Dan had a normal life. And if by normal, you meant dealing with all of that on top of trying to hook Matthew up with one of Dan's best friends so he wouldn’t tell the entire school about Dan's sexuality? Sure, Dan's life was fucking normal.
Dan was a laid back guy. He never really had much thought about how he would come out. Up until the other week, he figured he’d just wait until college where he might find other gay guys. You know, to relate to. Sure there were others at Creekview, he just never related to them. Not until Fish. Now that may seem like a strange name, because it’s not really the guy’s name at all. In fact, Dan had no idea who this guy was. He knew that Fish loved music and had a knack for writing. He knew Fish loved animals. Dan even knew that Fish had an older brother who was already in college. But what Dan didn’t know, was who the fuck Fish was.
Of course he was curious. But coming out was scary, even if you knew the people around you would most likely accept you. Fish and Dan were in the same boat. Well, more like closet. They were pretty deep in that closet and neither of them really planned on peeking out anytime soon.
Remember that whole fucked up blackmailing situation mentioned earlier? Yeah, that’s where things get sticky. Dan wasn’t ready to come out yet, that’s why even though he watched his friend Pj flirt with Sophie, he knew at some point he would try to push Sophie in Matthew’s direction. Was that shitty of him? Yes. Was it shitty for Matthew to be blackmailing him in the first place? Also yes. Did Dan really want to do any of this? No.
They were all sitting on stage waiting for their directing teacher to return. Pj didn’t really need to be there yet. He was a part of the tech crew, so in a few months he’d be there everyday, but for now, Dan knew he was there for Sophie. They sat leaned back on their hands, their shoulders nearly touching, laughing about something. Out of the corner of his eye, Dan saw Matthew looking between them and Dan himself. For someone being blackmailed, Dan sure was making it a point to ignore the guy.
Dan just didn’t want to deal with it. What he wanted was to go to the bathroom so he could refresh his email just to see if Fish had gotten back to him. So that’s what he did. Dan stood and made his way to the bathroom. But of course whatever higher being there may be hated him, and Matthew followed.
“Dan, what the fuck?” Matthew said as soon as they turned the corner into the dirty bathroom lined with depressing grey tile and stalls to match.
“What are you talking about?” Dan slid his phone out of his pocket. No new messages. Fuck.
“What's Pj's deal? He’s your friend, right? Tell him to back off.”
“I’m not doing that.” Dan put his phone back into his jeans and moved around Matthew towards the exit.
“Remember my brother?”
“What?”
“My brother's gay.”
“And?”
A smirk tugged at the corner of Matthew’s lips. The guy was almost a whole foot shorter than Dan even with his wild blond hair that always seemed to stand straight up. “I just thought you might want to know. But who knows, maybe you’ll get to know a lot more gay people. Especially here at school.”
Dan let out an exasperated sigh. “You’re really fucking doing this, aren’t you?”
“Doing what?” His smirk turned into a full smile.
“Matthew, you realize you’re blackmailing me, right? That’s what this is.”
“Come on now Danny-"
“Don’t call me that.”
“-lets just call it…encouragement.”
“Fine, just, give me some time, okay?”
“The clock is ticking my tall, gay friend.”
Thankfully, by the time Dan returned to the auditorium, Pj had left. Sophie sat with a few underclassmen on the edge of the stage, kicking their legs back and forth.
“Dan!” she called, waving him over. “What part do you think you got?”
Dan leaned up against the stage and Sophie poked his cheek dimple. “I’m hoping a role with a speaking part this year.”
Not too much longer after that, their teacher came in, holding a long list. The cast list for this year. The musical was Grease. Dan didn’t really want a lead role, which was why he was happy to hear he got a minor role. Not too many lines, and no solo singing. Of course Sophie got a supporting role. She would be the perfect Frenchie.
The rest of the day went by as usual. The director let them go and Dan drove Sophie home before going home himself. Dinner with his family was normal, too. His parents liked to talk about their days and his mom always tried to therapize them. Dan guessed that’s what he got for coming out of the womb of a child psychologist. For the most part, Dan loved his life. But it wasn’t until he was finally released from his family’s grasp that he got bask in the best part of the day: running up to his room, logging into Gmail, and clicking on a new email.
From: [email protected]
Date: Oct 6
Subject: Re: Halloween
Dear Timber,
I would say that I can’t believe you went as a Spice Girl for Halloween when you were a kid, but now that I know you more I find that very on brand of you. Honestly that’s very gay of you and I approve lol.
And I have to admit, I lied to you. I am dressing up for Halloween this year, but I don’t want to tell you what my costume is. I love talking to you, but I don’t think I’m ready for you to know who I am. I'm scared if you knew who I was you wouldn’t like me as much, or you would stop talking to me. And I don’t want to lose you. I hope you understand
On a lighter note, I found out today that snails live between 5 to 25 years. 25 YEARS! If I’d known I might have not gotten them for my fish tank. I’m not ready to be a dad, Timber.
Yours Truly, Fish
Dan smiled down at his laptop like the idiot he was.
From: [email protected]
Date: Oct 6
Subject: Re: Halloween
Dearest Fish,
Hey, I might have been Baby Spice but at least I wasn’t a fucking Teletubby. Honestly, Fish, it's so obvious that Tinky-Winky is an ACTUAL twink. At this rate I’m surprised that you haven’t accidentally outed yourself yet. You’re clumsy enough you’d fall right out of the closet.
I can’t say that I’m not disappointed. I would love to know who you are, so my fantasies have a face to them. But I understand, and I don’t want to lose you either. Is it weird that I think of you as my best friend? You know more about me than my irl friends do.
Also, you’re a dad now. You opened your tank and now you need to take responsibility for your actions. But it's okay, we can be gay snail dads together.
You’re friendly neighborhood Spice Girl, Timber Spice.
*~*
“So, what are we doing for Halloween? We’ve got, like, a week to figure this out.”
They were sitting at lunch, most everyone sitting in a daze. Usually conversation happened throughout their half hour break, but today Dan sat stuffing tater tots in his mouth and staring off into space. And by space, that meant staring at Quinn Nelson, the cute director’s assistant that Dan had pegged as a possible Fish subject. He wasn’t trying to figure out who Fish was per se, but Dan was a naturally nosy person, and they had similar qualities.
“Guys? Earth to literally everyone,” Sophie said, waving her hands in front of everyone’s faces. The usual group sat around the table. Dan sat between Sophie and his best friend Louise, Pj always sat next to Sophie, then every once in awhile some of the A.V. club members would join them. Max and Phil were always close and jumped between their table and skipping lunch all together to hang out in the A.V. room. That day, the two boys sat directly across from Dan.
“What?” Dan asked, his eyes refocusing on the table.
“Halloween! Please tell me you guys do Halloween here?”
“We could T.P. my neighborhood like the rest of the kids on my block.” Dan continued to eat his tots.
“Usually I just hand out candy,” Louise said, sounding way too excited.
“We need to do something fun!” Sophie sighed. “Dress up, maybe have a few drinks.”
“That sounds fun,” Pj piped in.
That’s new, Dan thought to himself. Pj was never a party person. He guessed that’s what happens when you really like someone. Change your whole idea of what fun was. Then again, if Fish wanted to go to a Halloween party, Dan would probably think that would be fun too.
“Actually, uh,” Phil started to say, “my parents are going out of town so I’ll have the whole house to myself.”
“Oh my god. Party at Phil's!” Max's face lit up. “Party at Lester's everyone!”
It was strange, Dan never really heard Phil speak much before. He was a quiet guy with a cute black quiff and thick rimmed glasses. The stereotypical A.V. geek. A cute geek, though. If Dan was out, he could picture himself flirting with a guy like Phil. But he wasn’t out. And it’s not like Phil was gay anyways. Or even spoke much for that matter.
At least now Dan had somewhere to wear his costume.
*~*
Quinn Nelson was cute. The boy had dark hair that was neatly braided tight against his head and dark eyes to match. Dan couldn’t help but peek up over his sheet music and watch Quinn as his fingers danced across the keys to the piano he sat at.
It was strange, Dan thought, he’d seen Quinn practically take out the whole percussion section of the band room they currently sat in, yet his fingers didn’t falter once on the keys. That was when Dan first had his suspicions that Quinn might be Fish, as multiple times Fish had mentioned how clumsy he was. He also never mentioned playing any instruments. But then again, they always skirted around telling too many details about themselves as to keep their identities secret.
It was almost infuriating. Fish had overtaken his mind but he still had no idea who the fuck he was. He wouldn’t mind if he was Quinn. Especially since Dan could barely figure out which line he was supposed to be singing along with the rest of the ensemble because he was too busy checking the guy out.
Finally, the music stopped and everyone formed their own little groups. The main cast was on stage doing a read through and the rest of the cast was sent to the band room to practice songs. Although the day was coming to an end and they had just finished going through “We Go Together", the teacher and the main cast had yet to return.
Luckily for Dan, both Sophie and Matthew were out on stage. He took the opportunity to shuffle towards Quinn.
“Hey.” Dan smiled down at the boy who was still sitting down on the piano bench organizing his music.
“Hey, Dan.” Quinn smiled up at him. “What's up?”
A knot formed in Dan's throat. “You're really good at this.” He pointed to the piano.
Quinn let out a soft laugh. “Thanks, my mom put me in lessons when I was, like, five or something.”
As Dan opened his mouth, so did the door and their director came in following the other cast.
“Well, I should get with Ms. Terry about how you guys did.” Quinn smiled and gave a little wave before stumbling out from behind the bench and walking away.
*~*
“Hey, Howell!”
Instinctively, Dan rolled his eyes. He was halfway across the school parking lot. Maybe if he kept walking Matthew would just leave him alone.
“Dan!” Gravel crunched close behind.
“What Matthew?” Dan turned to see the red-faced boy, hiking his backpack up on his shoulder a little further.
“So I heard Sophie talking about a Halloween party this weekend at Lester's.”
How could such a short, scrawny boy be such a big pain in the ass?
“What about it?”
“Well, since Sophie is going and you’re supposed to be helping me…" Matthew held his hands out and pretended they were a scale, as if telling Dan to weigh his options.
“Okay,” Dan sighed, shifting his weight from one foot to the other, “would you…do you want to come with us to the party?”
“Dan, that’s so nice of you, really, but I’ll have to check my schedule.”
“Then don’t come.” Dan turned on his heel.
“Wait!” Matthew grabbed Dan by the elbow.
“Don’t touch me.”
“I can meet you at your house at six?”
“Make it six-thirty, and if you’re late we’re leaving without you.” Dan ripped his elbow away from Matthew's grasp and headed towards his car.
“I'll be there!”
“Fantastic,” Dan mumbled under his breath, unlocking his car and falling into the old sedan.
*~*
From: [email protected]
Date: Oct 27
Subject: Re: Sweet like you
My beloved Milky Way Timber,
Whoppers are literally the worst candy and I refuse to believe that they are your favorite. Everyone knows that anything with marshmallow in it is superior. Or caramel. Or nuget. Okay, you’re right, I have a problem.
I’m probably going to just hand out candy this year. I’m not much of a people person especially when it comes to cute boys. My tongue just gets all tied up and I make a fool of myself. If it weren’t for this computer screen between us you would probably think of me as boring.
I know we’ve talked about coming out and how we’re not ready, but sometimes I just want to get it done and over with, you know? I think my family would be accepting. It’s just scary. The world is changing but I still see the horror stories. I’m just rambling at this point. I know you understand but it's nice to have someone to talk to about these things.
Your sweet slut, Fish
From: [email protected]
Date: Oct 28
Subject: Whoppers are king
Dearest Sweet Slut,
Don’t be mad because you don’t have good taste in candy like me. I will admit, your willingness to accept every sweet makes up for the fact that you hate cheese. I still can’t believe I’m crushing on a guy who doesn’t like fucking CHEESE.
I am also a bit of an introvert, but I think I’m going to a party this year. I know, call me crazy, but I feel like maybe it will be good for me. Or it might be the worst decision of my life, guess we’ll find out. Too bad there won’t be any cute boys there that I could tongue tie. I can talk enough for the both of us. Once I get going I don’t shut the fuck up. You’re not boring either, shh.
One day we'll both come out. I know how you feel. Sometimes my dad makes these horrible heteronormative jokes and I just want to be like SHUT UP I’M AS QUEER AS A THREE DOLLAR BILL! Hmm, maybe that’s how I will come out. Either way you know I’ll be here for you when you do finally decide. I would do almost anything for you. (I say almost because I refuse to renounce whoppers).
Yours truly, Timber
From: [email protected]
Date: Oct 28
Subject: Anything but Whoppers are king.
Listen, Timber
Cheese is gross and you can’t tell me otherwise. It’s basically just spoiled milk and I refuse to eat something that’s spoiled. Unless it’s on pizza.
On an unrelated note: you should probably come out as a furry first. I mean Timber? Your fursona is a wolf. I figured that’s what you were trying to tell me. Don’t worry, I don’t have anything against them, I just think it would be hard to kiss you through a fursuit.
Is it weird that I have no idea what you look like but I still think about kissing you? I just really like you. Like a lot. I like you so much even though at this point you’re just words on a screen. Sorry if I’m overstepping any boundaries, there’s just something about you that drives me mad. In a good way.
Sincerely, Fish
From: [email protected]
Date: Oct 28
Subject: You’re cute
Fishy Boy,
Cheese on pizza is still cheese.
Also, just because I’m a closeted furry doesn’t give you any right to judge me. I can keep you warm with all my fur. Bork. Much warm. Very fur. Don’t worry, I would take my mask off so I could kiss you ;)
To be fair, I’ve thought of way more than kissing you. You could be bigfoot and I think my heart rate would still spike every time I get an email from you.
Always, Timber
From: [email protected]
Date: Oct 28
Subject: Re: You’re cute.
Timber,
More than kissing? Would you please elaborate? You’ve caught my attention…
Fish
*~*
Dan didn’t want to get out of bed. The Halloween party was that night and he’d had a long evening exchanging emails with Fish. Needless to say it got pretty personal. So personal that Dan was quite nervous to check his phone. Fish had quite the imagination. Usually Dan would jump for his phone the moment his eyes snapped open. That morning he laid there, looking out the window beside his bed as cars passed through the suburban neighborhood.
He was scared. Scared that maybe he messed up and told Fish one too many thoughts. Maybe Fish was just being nice when he told Dan that his descriptions of their first meeting were exciting to him. Maybe Fish didn’t share the experience that Dan did that left him feeling like he really needed a shower.
Although when Dan’s phone screen came to life, he only had one text.
Louise: Hey, check creeksecrets
Dan stomach dropped. Did Matthew leak his emails? But the party was that evening. He barely even gave Dan time to help!
He opened Tumblr to see a picture of graffiti covering the brick exterior of the school. No emails. No exposing. Just a big blue dick over the entrance to the gym. Dan let out a breath.
Dan: Wow, that’s so original. Who would have thought of spray painting a dick on something?
Another wave hit Dan's stomach as he clicked over to the Gmail app, informing him of his one new notification.
From: [email protected]
Date: Oct 29
Subject: Quite an evening.
Dear Cute Guy,
Sorry I fell asleep. After I, uh, finished I kind of passed out. I wasn’t really expecting all that, but it was definitely a night to remember. You’re something special, Timber. I can’t believe I get to talk to someone so great. Have a fun time at your party tonight, I’ll be thinking of you ;)
Love, Fish
Love. Love, Fish. Love . Dan should have been heading down to breakfast with his probably waiting family. He should have been getting dressed. He really should take a shower, but all he could do was look at those two very simple words. Love, Fish.
*~*
“Dan, quit moving!”
“Sorry, Lou.” Dan scratched at his scalp under the fake cat ears sitting on top of his curls as Louise dragged an eyeliner pencil across his cheek. Sure he didn’t have the most unique costume, but at least he didn’t spend an arm and a leg on it unlike Louise. She wore a bright pink flowing gown with a tall pointed hat to match. Glitter was everywhere, coating his room, and Dan figured it would still be there when he went off to college next fall. It wasn’t the first time Louise had unintentionally sprinkled his room with glitter, and it probably wouldn’t be the last.
“There you are! Cat boy Dan, ready to party?”
“You’re the best, Lou.” Dan smiled and walked over to his mirror to look at his new black whiskers.
“Picture?” Louise was already pulling Snapchat up on her phone.
For once Dan didn’t argue. He felt good tonight. Despite not being able to talk to Fish, there was a euphoria swimming around his head. Maybe Fish had lied to him. Maybe he would be at this party. They went to the same school and were both seniors. Hell, they could even have the same friends. It wouldn’t be the first time Fish lied to make sure his identity was secure.
After a few pictures, they bid farewell to Dan’s parents who reminded him of his curfew, and started down the street towards Pj’s house. Not even a block later, Dan heard a faint yell. He met eyes with Louise, both of their eyebrows pulling together.
“Dan!”
He turned around to see Matthew running up behind them.
“What is Matthew doing here?” Louise whispered.
“I, uh, invited him.” Dan cringed. “He’s a pretty cool guy once you get to know him.”
With heaving breaths, Matthew reached them. “I- I…thought you…said…six thirty?”
Dan looked down at his phone which said six-fifteen. “Sorry, I kinda forgot.”
“You know…I could just…go home.” Matthew gave Dan a knowing look.
“No! No that’s- we want you to come, right Louise?”
“Uh...” Her eyes were wide and bouncing between the boys. “Yeah, of course.”
Then, Dan looked at what Matthew was wearing. “Matthew, what are you supposed to be?”
“You can’t tell?”
No one could fucking tell what you are, Dan thought, looking at the bright yellow cheese costume he wore and the green paint covering his face.
“I’m a Munster. See, it’s a play on words because I’m Frankenstein’s monster and I’m wearing a cheese costume.”
“Cute,” Louise said through a fake smile.
The reaction was just the same when the three of them arrived at Pj’s, where he was sitting on a stool outside getting his hair sprayed pink to complete his clown costume by Sophie, who was in a Poison Ivy costume.
After Sophie was done with his hair, Pj pulled Dan aside while Matthew was saying something definitely not smooth to Sophie.
“Is there a reason you invited him?”
Dan could have said that he didn’t want Pj to be the only clown at the party, but instead he said, “Well, you know Sophie likes him, right?”
Clear shock crossed his painted face. “She does? But he’s…I mean look at him Dan!”
“I mean, he’s a decent guy.”
Pj just let out a dry laugh and shook his head.
An awkward tension filled the air around the group. Matthew brought a vibe that made everyone fiddle with their hands and advert their eyes.
They piled into Pj's old Buick, Dan and Louise separated in the back seat by Matthew as he leaned forward to talk to Sophie, who was clearly more interested in what Pj was saying than the interrupting cheese.
Phil’s house was set back off the road, surrounded by trees. The inside reminded Dan of the actual hotel from The Shining.
Max greeted them as their group piled through the door. “Hey guys! Anyone need a drink? We have plenty to go around. Beer?” He pointed to Dan and Louise.
“Sure.” Dan shrugged as soon as Louise said, “No thank you.”
They looked at each other and Louise said, “But you don’t drink.”
“Who says? Maybe I do now.”
“Beer?” Phil walked in with a six pack of bottled beer in one hand and a can of some fruity drink in the other.
“Thanks.” Dan grabbed one, as did Sophie and Pj. Matthew was hovering.
“Nice costume.” Phil smiled at Dan, his cheeks a light shade of pink. He probably had started drinking a while ago.
“Thanks, you, too. I see we both went for a cat theme.”
There wasn’t much to Phil's costume, just a pair of khakis, a brown velvet shirt and a stuffed animal-like lion hat with long strips of fabric coming down over his ears with paw-like mittens on the ends.
Phil smiled and pushed his glasses further up his nose. “Yeah.”
Behind him, Dan could hear Matthew rambling on about Hawthorne Heights, probably to Sophie who was most likely nodding along trying to be nice.
Dan twisted the top off his chilled bottle and took a swig that made him shiver. It was hoppy and left a weird aftertaste lingering on his taste buds. The music wasn’t too loud, but the bass seemed to shake the floor a bit and there was a loud chatter. Dan was definitely out of his element. He didn’t go to parties. He didn’t drink beer. He didn’t ever miss a night talking to Fish.
Within the hour, Dan managed to stay sitting on a couch, pressed up against Louise on one side and Sophie on the other. It almost felt like they were at lunch, but with more noise and shittier tasting drinks. Too embarrassed to ask what else there was to drink, Dan had asked Max three times now for the same drink. Four times? Dan didn’t remember. His head felt light and he was laughing at Louise and her impressions.
Dan always felt a little better about being in public when Louise was there. She was just as awkward as him, but Dan always though she handled herself better.
“Oh!” Sophie suddenly sat up from where she was slouched into the couch. “I love this song!” She shot up to her feet and laid her hands on Dan's knees. “Come dance with me, Dan?” Her eyes were bright and her red curls from her wig fell over her face.
“Soph, you know- no I’m not dancing.” Dan fumbled over his words, tracing a finger over the opening of his beer.
“Come on…" She whined, grabbing his wrists.
“Go on, Howell.” Louise nudged his sides with her elbow. “Go embarrass yourself, now.” She let out a chuckle and took his drink.
Going to a party and drinking was one thing, but dancing was a whole other issue. Dan was tall and lanky. His body didn’t move like Sophie's did as she swung her hips to the beat of some Top Forties hit that was vaguely familiar to him.
“There you go!” Sophie laughed and intertwined her fingers with his,moving their arms together.
Okay, maybe Dan was having fun. Sophie was the type of person who could make anything fun. No wonder every boy in school fell for her. Well, all but two.
When Sophie first moved to their school, it was like Dan had known her in a past life or something. They instantly clicked despite their differing tastes of music and movies. Their personalities meshed so well, when Dan would come at her with a joke, she could make it twice as funny and so on until they had everyone at their table laughing. Even quiet Phil would laugh.
“Dan!”
As he spun, his head went the opposite direction. Maybe he had too many beers. Or many just enough. Phil stood beside the beer pong table across the room and waved his arm.
Sophie let Dan's hands go and put her own in the air, still moving perfectly to the song.
His hair was sticking to his sweaty forehead as he stumbled over towards Phil.
“What’s up?” Dan asked as Phil handed him a ping-pong ball. The lion hat Phil had been wearing was now draped over his shoulders, his dark hair sticking up in places.
“You and me versus another team?”
Dan couldn’t help but smile. Phil definitely had to have had a few drinks by then if he was speaking to Dan. In the back of his mind, Dan remembered something that Fish had said. He got nervous around cute boys.
Before Dan could entertain that thought anymore, he turned back towards Sophie who had been intercepted by Matthew doing a bad rendition of The Sprinkler.
“One second.” Dan held a finger up at Phil before trotting over to Sophie and the cheese.
“Hey, Soph, beer pong?”
“Sure!”
“It's teams. Me and Phil against you and…" Dan didn’t really want to do this, “and Matthew?”
“I’m the best at beer pong!” Matthew practically yelled.
An unidentifiable look crossed Sophie's face for just a split second before her smile widened and she said, “Yeah! Come on!”
If Dan would have guessed a few weeks ago what he would be doing for Halloween, he wouldn’t have guessed he’d be playing beer pong with Phil Lester and actually winning.
They only had two cups missing compared to Sophie and Matthew, who were down three already. Dan's head was spinning but his heart felt full. Phil was smiling so much Dan couldn’t help but smile with him as they gave each other high-fives with every small victory.
Matthew was making bad jokes that were somehow more offensive than his costume. Sophie seemed to actually be enjoying herself, laughing at all of Matthews horrendous jokes. That made Dan feel a little less guilty about helping Matthew out, even though it was mostly for Fish's sake. The last thing Dan needed was for Fish to know someone knew about them.
“This one is gonna be it,” Matthew said, tossing a ball and landing it in a cup, earning himself a fist bump from Sophie.
“Damn.” Phil pulled the ball out of the cup and lifted it to his mouth “This is why I hate cheese.” He laughed before chugging the beer.
Dan’s chest did a weird flip-floppy thing. Fish also hated cheese. He also got nervous around cute boys. Was Dan cute enough to make Fish nervous? Phil finished the drink and locked eyes with Dan. Was Phil Fish?
“Phil, did you-" Dan stopped himself. If Phil really was Fish, this was not a time to ask. Matthew was impatiently banging a fist on the table and Sophie could be heard telling them it was their turn.
“What?” Phil burped, chuckled, and covered his mouth with his hand.
“Nothing.” Dan shook his head and held his hand out for the ball.
Gently, Phil placed the ball in Dan's hand and placed both his around the ball and Dan's hand. “Make this one count.”
If Dan weren’t drunk, he probably would have been nervous. But with the alcohol swimming through his veins, he smiled at Phil and continued the game.
They ended up winning, which gave Dan an excuse to hug Phil, picking him up and spinning around in victory.
Once Phil was back on his feet, he laughed. “I would have dropped both of us, I’m so clumsy.”
“You know, Phil, this is the most I’ve ever heard you talk before.”
“Well, I’m drunk,” he laughed, covering his mouth again with his hand, “and I want to do karaoke.”
“First talking, now karaoke? I don’t know you anymore,” Dan said, trying not to stare at him.
“Wanna sing with me? It’ll be fun.”
“On one condition. We have to sing a Muse song.”
Phil's eyebrows knitted together for a moment, but before Dan could process the expression, Phil was giggling and grabbing Dan by the arm and pulling him towards the patio where someone was already singing a rendition of My Heart Will Go On.
They both had a microphone and someone was getting the music ready, and Dan really should have been nervous. The song started and even though he knew they sounded like shit, Dan's higher pitch matched Phil's low one, Dan felt his chest warm. They had their arms around each other and swayed back and forth, and Dan could see Louise's sour expression in the crowd, but he couldn’t care less. He never remembered a time that he felt so alive.
The song came to an end and Dan's bladder threatened him as a girl he vaguely recognized came up to talk to Phil.
The house was massive and it took Dan forever to find the damn bathroom. Once inside and feeling a lot better with his bladder back to normal, he looked at himself in the mirror. His cat whiskers were smudged and under them his cheeks were bright red.
“Hey, Phil,” Dan said to his reflection. “I know you’re Fish.”
Dan shook his head.
“Yo! Philly boy!”
“Hey fishy boy!”
“Listen, Phil, I don’t know if you know this, but I’m Timber.”
“Do you wanna make out?”
How could he bring it up? How the ever-living-fuck could he tell Phil he knew?
A knock on the door brought Dan back to reality. He let the person outside have the bathroom and decided maybe it was better if he found a bed to lay in for a minute and think everything over. A few doors down the hall, he decided to try a room.
He opened the door, and sitting on the bed was Phil. But what made Dan's stomach churn was that Phil wasn’t alone. Quickly, Phil pulled his mouth away from the girl from earlier.
“Oh, sorry, thought this was the bathroom,” Dan mumbled quickly and shut the door before all the alcohol poured up out of his throat.
Well, Phil certainly wasn’t Fish.
*~*
From: [email protected]
Date: Nov 18
Subject: Gobble
Timber,
Why can’t I just stay home and talk to you all day? I hate that I have to go to school. I hate that I can’t just stay in this little slice of paradise.
On a different note: I’ve been thinking about coming out lately. Not to everyone, but it's getting harder and harder to keep it in. I feel my mom wouldn’t care and my dad would probably be indifferent about it. I don’t know how my brother would take it, but he’s not a bad guy, just can be closed off. I think I might come out to them at Thanksgiving. My brother will be home from college and instead of going to my Nan's it's just going to be us four. What do you think?
Love, Fish
From: [email protected]
Date: Nov 18
Subject: RE:Gobble
Fish,
Why couldn’t I have gotten that message BEFORE I went to school? We could have ‘gotten sick'.
That’s very brave of you. Think you're ready? I mean from what you’ve told me I think they wouldn’t care too much tbh. Obviously I support you <3 I don’t think I could do it right now. I’m still convinced i'll be in college before I come out. You’ve got some time to think about it.
“Fish would you like some mixed fruit?”
“Yes, dad, because I am a fruit. I’m gay. Thanks"
That’s how I picture that going.
Love, Timber
From: [email protected]
Date: Nov 18
Subject: Re: Re: Gobble
Dear Fellow Fruit,
I would suggest us both “get sick" but I still don’t trust that working out, somehow we will figure out who we are if we both skip lol Can you tell I’m still nervous about you knowing who I am?
That’s it then. I’m going to do it Timber. Hopefully. Maybe. We will see if I can muster the courage.
Love, Your Fruit Fish
*~*
Why did Dan have to be such a shit dancer? He could act; in fact, he was a fantastic actor. Even singing was okay. But Jesus Christ, Dan still couldn’t figure out how to be a good greaser, dancing across the stage. He couldn’t even act cool. And to make matters worse, he could see Quinn sitting at the piano, giggling as Ms. Terry showed him once again how to do the Hand Jive.
Since Halloween, Dan could officially scratch Phil off the list of Fish Possibilities. Quinn was back up to number one. Even still, Dan had a hard time getting that boy to say much. Dan wasn’t that cute, was he?
Besides, now that Fish had decided to come out, Dan had hope that maybe this was one step closer to knowing who he was. Dan kind of hoped Fish would come out, since Matthew was becoming more and more annoying about the Sophie thing. At least if Fish was out, Matthew couldn’t bring them both down.
Sophie and Pj seemed to keep getting closer. Part of Dan was happy about that, but another part of him, the one getting blackmailed, was starting to freak out a bit.
“Dan, come on, look at them!” Matthew had pulled Dan aside once their scenes were over.
Pj was dropping grapes into Sophie’s mouth and they were giggling.
“Okay.” Dan took a deep breath. God, he hated Matthew. “How about we all go to Waffle House? And practice lines?”
“You’re a genius, Howell.”
Somehow, that worked. That evening Dan sat alone in a booth, reading lines and drinking shitty diner coffee, wishing he had something stronger. Like espresso. Or vodka. The only thing that got him through the evening was the occasional email from Fish.
Waffle House was like another dimension. Time seemed to slow and the coffee was never ending. In Dan’s mind, he never just went to waffle house, he ended up there. Not once did he ever plan a trip to the restaurant, but late nights, heart break, and the lack of options lead him to the only place where you could see a guy in a suit and a homeless man sitting by each other, both most likely drunk.
Eventually Dan did get a text from his mom telling him to get home, so they piled into Dan’s car. Thankfully, Matthew’s house was closest. Dan didn’t want to think about having to drive with only Matthew to talk his ear off.
With just Sophie in the car, Dan started thinking about how Fish planned to come out in less than a week. He glanced over to Sophie who was quietly singing the Twenty One Pilots song that played softly from the radio. The thing about Sophie was, she barely had any pretenses about Dan. Hell, they’d only known each other for four months. If Dan were to tell her he was gay, she wouldn’t have a straight Dan to compare him to unlike his friends he had known since kindergarten.
“You okay?”
Dan hadn’t realized how uneven his breathing had become and sweat started to bead on his forehead despite the fall air coming in through his cracked window.
“Yeah, I’m good. But, uh, can I tell you something?”
“Of course.” Sophie smiled and turned towards him as much as her seat belt would allow, and turned the radio off.
There was a lump in Dan’s throat as he said, “You can’t tell anyone, though. Not Pj. Not Louise. Not even your cat.”
“Well, I can’t promise that I wont tell Angel, but she won't tell the other cats. What’s up, Dan?”
Dan knew he was going to be nervous, but the adrenaline that filled his body made him light headed. His hands were sticking to the steering wheel and he was pulling into Sophie’s driveway.
He put the car in park and looked down at his hands and choked out, “Well, the thing is, uh, basically, I’m gay.”
As soon as the words were out of his mouth, he felt a weight fall from his shoulders. He actually said it. Out loud.
“Oh,” Sophie moved to unclip her seat belt, “am I the first person you’ve told?”
Dan nodded his head and let out a sigh.
“Well, your secret is safe with me, Dan. And it’s okay, I support you."
"Really?" Dan could barely hear her over the sound of his own heart beat and the racing pulse in his ears.
"Really," She said and placed a hand on his forearm. "You can breathe, Dan."
He let out a breath with a chuckle.
"I’ll see you tomorrow morning?"
“Yeah, see you tomorrow.” Dan smiled and she smiled back.
From: [email protected]
Date: Nov 21
Subject: Guess what
Fish,
You’ll never guess what happened tonight.
Please get on your email : (
Love Timber
From: [email protected]
Date: Nov 21
Subject: Re: Guess what
Timber!
What happened? Something bad? I hope it’s something good. Wait, let me guess, you’ve bought me an entire zoo?! Wait, no, you’ve blown up the school and we never have to go again?? Never mind, just tell me what happened.
Love, Fish
From: [email protected]
Date: Nov 21
Subject: Re: Re: Guess what
I came out to my friend tonight. I feel like a weight has been lifted. Like, I’m soring through the sky, rainbows exploding from the souls of my shoes, propelling me into the fucking universe. I said it Fish. I looked at her, and I said “Im gay" and she was so nice about it. She doesn’t hate me! FISH I DID IT. And it's all because of you. You’re the best thing to ever happen to me.
Love, Timber
p.s. I love you
p.p.s I love you
From: [email protected]
Date: Nov 21
Subject: Timber said gay rights
TIMBER!!
I’m so proud of you :,) I can’t believe you beat me to the punch. I was going to be the first to come out TIMBER. How DARE you steal my SPOTLIGHT.
Really though, I’m so proud of you and happy for you <3 Hopefully your courage rubs off on me. Or more than courage.
Love, Fish
*~*
Dan had a bad feeling. Nothing had happened, but there was a tremor of negative energy that threatened him. There were a million things Dan sucked at, but he was good at sensing these things. There were a few factors leading Dan to believe that shit was going to hit the fan.
First, there were the Waffle House visits. Matthew was getting used to the three of them going out every few nights to practice lines, and Dan could see the smitten look Matthew wore grow fonder and fonder by the day. But just the night prior, Sophie had admitted to Dan that Matthew wasn’t her type.
Secondly, Fish was starting to act unusually depressed. Thanksgiving had gone over fantastically for him, which Dan was ecstatic about. But shortly after, Dan may have mentioned them meeting in real life once again, and that didn’t go over well.
From: [email protected]
Date: Dec 8
Subject: Idk
Timber..
This is starting to feel too real. Most of the time, it's easy to forget you’re a real person who ACTUALLY goes to my school. You wouldn’t even like me in real life. I’m fun and quirky in email but in the real world, I’m just a shy awkward guy.
Not to mention school is stressing me out. Also, my mom just told me I have to spend my whole Christmas vacation on some island off the coast of ENGLAND to see some extended family I’ve never met. That means no internet for nearly two weeks.
I’m just not ready for this and I don’t know if I ever will be ready. I’m sorry..
Love, Fish
Dan had stared at that email the previous night, right after he had dropped Sophie off at her house, and he wanted to pull his hair out. Nothing was going right. Sophie wasn’t falling for Matthew, Fish didn’t want to meet him, and god damn it he still couldn’t to the fucking Hand Jive.
*~*
From: [email protected]
Date: Dec 19
Subject: CHRISTMAS
Timberly,
I’m sorry I’ve been so grouchy the past few weeks. I think I’m finally starting to feel the Christmas Spirit. I can feel it penetrating me. Sorry lol.
I know I keep saying that I’m not ready to meet, because I’m not, but I’ve been curious about your email address. I did some googling and I’ve come to the conclusion that it's lyrics to a Muse song. I love Muse. But I’ve also been maybe, sort of...looking around school waiting to see a cute boy in a Muse shirt. Don’t be mad!
Seriously, though, Muse is my favorite band of all time. Origin of Symmetry? BOP. Absolution? GENIUS.
You have great taste in music, but better taste in anonymous boys on the internet.
Love, Fish
From: [email protected]
Date: Dec 19
Subject Re: CHRISTMAS
Fishy,
I forgive you, but only because you’re my favorite anonymous boy. My only one actually.
Christmas is okay, I guess. If you like giving money to the oligarchy overlords who run America just to appease your friends and family who are just puppets trapped in the ever shrinking middle class. But the advent calendars are nice. Free chocolate mmm.
Really, though, Christmas isn’t very exciting in my family. My mom will probably work, my dad will try to make my brother and I bake cookies, and both of us will agree even though we’d rather go to our rooms and get lost in Guild Wars or Halo.
Also, I applaud your detective skills. But I don’t own any Muse shirts ;)
Hoe, Hoe, Hoe, Timber.
*~*
They were at rehearsal, and Pj was helping Sophie run lines. Most the cast sat in the back of the auditorium and Dan probably should have been going over his own handful of lines, but he wasn’t. He made his way to the front of the auditorium where Quinn was sitting, drawing on a large notebook.
“Hey.” Dan took a seat a few chairs away and leaned the seat as far back as he could, his long legs barely fitting.
“Hey, Dan, what’s up?” Quinn ran a hand through his braids and smiled.
“Nothing. Which Ms. Terry would ream me out for, but, whatever. Whatcha drawing?”
Quinn held up the drawing pad and cocked his head to the side. “I’m not quite sure yet. It's supposed to be some sort of abstract drawing.”
It was abstract, alright, as Dan had no idea what the fuck he was looking at. But he said, “I like it. Very abstract. So art.”
“Thanks.” Quinn looked up and made eye contact with Dan, which sent butterflies swarming into his gut. “So, are you ready for Christmas?”
“Yeah.” Dan took one of his curls and started twirling it around his finger just for something to do with his hands. “Not a big fan of such a capitalist holiday, but I like the food my mom makes.”
“I don’t know. I usually love Christmas, but this year I have to go to my great aunt's house in the middle of nowhere.”
Dan's heart sputtered and he could feel a warmth starting in his cheeks. “Well, that sounds fun,” he laughed nervously.
“Oh, yeah,” Quinn said sarcastically. “Surrounded by people I don’t know. Plus, who knows if my eighty year old aunt even knows what Wi-Fi is.”
Dan didn’t know what to say. He wanted to stay on the subject, but what if Quinn was Fish? He couldn’t just ask, especially with how Fish had been feeling lately.
“Howell?”
He shouldn’t have been surprised to hear Matthew’s voice call him, but Dan jumped and turned. “What, Matthew?”
“Can we talk?” He leaned on the chair at the end of the row and his face was bright red.
Leave it to Matthew to fuck up whatever was happening with Quinn. Dan gave him a wave and a smile and followed Matthew out into the hall.
“What the fuck, Howell?” Matthew turned on him and placed his hands on his hips.
“What's your problem?” Dan crossed his arms and shuffled his feet.
“Did Sophie tell you that she wasn’t into me?”
Fuck. “She might have mentioned it.”
“Well, thanks to you I just got rejected in front of the whole goddamn cast!” Matthew practically yelled.
“I can’t make her like you, dude.”
“Well, you were supposed to help!”
Anger rose in Dan’s chest. “I did! What did you think, that I wanted to drive you two to Waffle House three nights a fucking week?”
“You know what?” Matthew huffed, throwing his arms in the air. “Whatever, Howell. Thanks a lot.” He walked back into the auditorium, slamming the door behind him.
Fan-fucking-tastic.
*~*
From: [email protected]
Date: Dec 22
Subject: Until the new year
Timber,
I guess this will be my last email until break is over. I’m going to miss you so much : ( I hate that I’m not going to be able to talk to you. So because I’m going to be gone for so long, I’m going to list all the things I love and will miss about you:
- Your sense of humor and how you can always make me smile even on my worst days
- How you over analyze everything
- Your rude, yet hilarious sarcastic comments
- The compliments you give me
- Your obsession with breaking down song lyrics even though most the time I usually think you’re wrong lol
- And last (not really but I’m running out of time ‘cause mom is yelling at me to pack) but not least, how you love me even though you have no idea what I look like or sound like or how awkward I am. You love me for me and I couldn’t ask for more <3
Love, Fish
*~*
It was Christmas Eve and Dan was pulling a tray of cookies out of the oven, bitching at his brother to get out of his way. Fish had helped Dan get into the festive mood. This Christmas felt different than all the ones previous. It seemed more like Christmas, but also as far away from Christmas as it could be.
For once he didn’t shy away from decorating the tree or baking cookies, but everything that had happened with Matthew before break still didn’t sit well. Especially when his phone started ringing as he finished a stack of cookies and a too-tall glass of milk.
Louise: You need to check creeksecrets. now. Call me then. Love you Dan <3
Milk churned in his gut the whole way up to his room. Dan slammed his door and opened his laptop.
Dear students of Creekview High School,
Daniel Howell is now taking applications for butt-buddies. Ladies, no need to apply, as one Mr. Howell is indeed a flaming homosexual. Please refer to the photos below as evidence. You may contact Mr. Howell at 555-0611.
-Anon
“Fuck,” Dan whispered, scrolling down to see screenshots of the emails between him and Fish.
His stomach clenched and as quickly as he could, he grabbed his trash can before the vomit could come up. He lurched into the container until he was dry heaving and a cold sweat trickled down his back. Then he cried.
With just the sound of his own blood pumping in his ears, Dan started grabbing whatever objects were closest to him and throwing them. He didn’t care that he was being loud enough for his family to hear, he was fucked. Matthew took his moment. The one time in his life that Dan had a say in was ripped from his hands.
When his lungs finally started protesting and the muscles in his face started to hurt, Dan fell down on his black comforter and hugged his pillow.
“Dan?”
“Go away!” The last thing Dan wanted to do was face his annoying little brother.
Despite his obvious dismissal, the door opened.
“Dan?” His brother Aidan called in a small voice.
“What do you want, Aidan?” Dan didn’t take his eyes off the 1975 poster on the wall beside his bed.
There was a minute of silence before Aiden said, “I just wanted you to know, I saw the post.”
“Well, it’s true. All your freshman buddies are probably all talking about it along with the rest of the school.”
“Either way, I support you, okay?”
“Leave me alone,” Dan sniffled, even if deep down he was touched by his brother's words.
“Whatever, asshole,” Aiden muttered before he closed the door behind him.
Between fits, Dan could hear his phone buzz on the floor where he had thrown it. But he didn’t answer any calls or messages; he didn’t want to talk to anyone. He didn’t want to do anything but disappear and wish Matthew was never born. Maybe wish that any higher being out there would just make him straight so he didn’t have to deal with any of this. Unfortunately, none of those things happened, and Dan was left to clean up the mess that was made.
*~*
From: [email protected]
Date: Dec 25
Subject: I’m sorry
Dear Fish,
So, something happened. You’re going to find out who I am. I don’t know what else to say other than I hope you don’t hate me and I’m more sorry than I could ever say. I never meant for any of this to happen. Matthew Addison took screenshots of our emails when I forgot to log out of one of the computers in the library.
Please don’t block me. You’re the best thing to ever happen to me. I need you, Fish.
Love, Timber.
*~*
The next morning, despite both his parents knocking at his door, Dan stayed in bed. Thoughts were running wild between how Fish would react to how he practically needed to come out to his family. He didn’t want them to find out through the grapevine. At first, he was still angry. But the more he stayed curled up under his sheets, the more positive thoughts started to pop into his mind.
What was the worst that was going to happen if he went downstairs and just told them? If anything, they probably wouldn’t care. So that’s what Dan did. He got out of bed, brushed his teeth, and went downstairs.
“We've been waiting,” his dad said from the couch where both he and his mom sat, still in pajamas with coffee in their hands. His brother was already shaking gifts under the tree.
“I have to tell you something,” Dan said from the doorway, his stomach turning as his fiddled with the hem of his shirt.
“Oh.” His mom's eyebrows shot up. “Well, come sit and-"
“I’m gay,” Dan blurted out.
A silence fell over the room and they all looked at Dan.
What happened next surprised him.
“Okay, do you need to talk about it?” his mom said, placing a hand on his dad’s knee.
“Well,” Dan stammered, “not really, I guess.”
“Then let’s open gifts, son. We love you. But you need to open my gift first because it’s the best.” His dad smiled and grabbed a small box off the floor, holding it up.
He wanted to be mad. After years of hiding this, he was anxious over nothing? They didn’t question it or have some snarky remarks? But as soon as the anger came, it went, and Dan couldn’t help but smile.
*~*
Winter break ended as quickly as it started. It seemed like everything had changed in those two weeks. Sophie and Pj had gotten together, which Dan was happy about. Sophie forgave Dan after he promptly apologized for trying to help Matthew after realizing how he blackmailed Dan. She was a good friend.
Louise was a bit butt-hurt about not knowing his sexuality, but after a few in-depth conversations, she understood. She didn’t have too hard of a time killing off hetero-Dan in her head after he droned on about Fish for way too long.
Despite the unexpected good that came from those leaked emails, though, they cost Dan Fish.
From: [email protected]
Date: Jan 4
Subject: Dan
Dear Dan,
I want to say that I’m surprised it’s you, but I was sure I figured it out a long time ago. Timber, as in the wolf, and wolves Howell. Plus you’re not so quiet about your love of Muse.
And I’m not disappointed, but I’m not ready for the whole world to know about me. I’m sorry, Dan. I’m sorry I can’t be brave like you.
Love, Fish
Dan sent message after message trying to convince Fish to at least keep emailing him, practically begging. But in the end, Fish blocked him, and that felt like a knife in his back. There was a part of him that understood why Fish had to step away, but that didn’t take away from the dull ache in his chest.
Everything at school was going well. Until it wasn’t. The week after they returned from break, Dan was just leaving his last class and headed to his locker. There was a crowd, which was unusual as his locker was in a small row between two doors. His heart began to race once he saw Louise's face poke through the crowd.
“Dan…” She came up to him and blocked his way. “I can get your stuff if you want.”
“Why? What’s going on?” He tried to push by her.
Her eyes were wide and she clutched her books tight to her chest.
“Lou, let me by,” Dan said, pushing by her towards the crowd.
Then he saw what everyone was looking at. In bright orange paint, the word ‘fag' was contrasting against the blue locker. His locker.
When he had come to terms with being gay, he’d also come to terms with the fact that one day, this would happen. Maybe not so soon, but Dan knew one day someone out there would hate him solely based on his sexuality.
“What is all this-oh!” His English teacher, Mr. Donald, had come over to the crowd. “Okay, everyone disperse! Go!” He moved towards Dan and Louise. “Come on, now, catch your buses.”
“That’s my locker, sir,” Dan choked out of his dry throat.
The look Mr. Donald gave Dan was one of pure pity. And Dan hated it.
It wasn’t long until Dan was ushered into the principal's office, answering a string of what seemed like never ending questions. Eventually, they let him go.
As soon as he stepped outside the building, there was Matthew wearing the same pitying look Mr. Donald and the principal had.
“Dan, look, I’m sorry.” Matthew followed him, practically running with Dan's long strides. “I didn’t think people still did shitty things like that. I shouldn’t have leaked your emails. I just- I didn’t think it would be that big of a deal!”
Dan stopped dead in his tracks and turned. “Well, you thought wrong. You took my moment away from me, you arrogant ass-hat. I was supposed to tell people on my terms. I should have gotten to decide who knew and when, and you took that away! Kindly, fuck off Matthew!”
Dan didn’t wait around for a response.
*~*
There was one good thing that came from that slur that defaced Dan’s locker. When he returned home, there was an unread email from Fish.
From: [email protected]
Date: Jan 11
Subject: Wow
Dan,
I saw what happened to your locker today. And I wanted to tell you that I’m sorry that happened to you and you don’t deserve that. I mean, no one does, but especially not you.
Look, I’m still not ready for you to know who I am, but I miss you. So much. So if you could forgive me (even though I don’t feel like I deserve forgiveness for cutting you off like that) I would be forever grateful. I will bake you all the cookies forever. I’ll even drop them off in your locker every morning. I just miss you a lot. I don’t want to ever not have you in my life again. Please forgive me?
Love, Fish <3
From: [email protected]
Date: Jan 12
Subject: I guueesssss
Dear Fish,
I want to be upset with you, but I just can’t. I forgive you. BUT I expect a platter of freshly baked cookies tomorrow morning. And they BETTER be baked with love. Extra love If you could.
Honestly, I feel kinda weird. You know who I am. It’s a relief, but also it kinda weirds me out that I don’t know who you are. That doesn’t mean I don’t want to talk to you, though. I missed you, too. Like a lot a lot. More than I thought I would tbh.
And the fact that you’re still into me even though you know what I look like? How?? I have shit colored hair that curls too much in the heat, and you can’t tell me I’m not an annoying little shit. Okay, I’m not little, I’m an actual giant.
Either way, I’m glad you still want to talk to me. I love you.
Love, Dan
From: [email protected]
Date: Jan 12
Subject: LIES
Listen here buckaroo, we need to set this straight (unlike us).
You are so fucking cute. See, I said the F word and I never use that word, but this time it’s necessary for you to know the truth. Your hair always curls perfectly and shines like caramel in the sun. Like your eyes. I never thought brown eyes were beautiful until I saw yours. Sometimes I wish I had the courage to tell you who I was so I could look at your eyes more and run my hands through your hair. And I love that you’re a giant. I love how tall and lean you are. Honestly, I can’t look at you without daydreaming about what it would be like to be in your arms.
If you think for a second that I’m not into you, you’re dead ass wrong. If anything, I think I love you even more.
Love, Fish
*~*
From: [email protected]
Date: Feb 12
Subject: Diabetes
Fish,
Listen, I didn’t know you were serious when you said you were going to bake me cookies forever. I’m on cookie overload. I’m going to get cookie poisoning. And I still don’t understand how you are getting things into my locker without me seeing you. Or anyone, really. Louise, Sophie ,AND Pj all said they are watching because they want to know who you are. Not like they would tell me, though. So don’t worry about that. They already said they wouldn’t blab about who you are if they found out because they know you don’t want me to know.
Back to the cookies at hand. I’m in the bathroom in the freshman wing rn eating one and messaging you back. Lunch is in a few minutes but I’m over today. Plus opening night is tomorrow and even though I know my three lines, I’m still nervous. Are you coming to any of the shows? Please say no because I don’t want to embarrass myself in front of you. I still can’t Hand Jive properly. Ms. Terry is very distraught about this. Anyway, gotta go back.
Love, Dan
Dan hit the send button and dropped the rest of the cookie into his mouth. Fish really did know how to make a good cookie. He slid his phone into his pocket and made his way back to class, albeit slowly.
When the lunch bell finally rang through the sounds of his math teacher going on about something Dan wasn’t listening too, he practically ran to the cafeteria, his bag not even on both shoulders. It was pizza Thursday and he didn’t want to miss out on the fresh slices.
With pizza and a carton of chocolate milk in hand, Dan settled at the empty table. Slowly, everyone filled in, including Max and Phil who had been missing for the past week, spending lunch editing some video for their AV club project.
“Who wants some more cookies?” Dan pulled the plastic container out of his bag that had at least three dozen chocolate chip cookies in it.
“More? This Fish guy really does love you, huh?” Louise laughed and snagged a cookie.
“I guess so, I don’t know why,” Dan said before offering Max and Phil both a cookie. “Seriously, I can’t eat all these myself. Like, I appreciate it, but this is like the tenth batch this month.”
“Thanks, dude.” Max took a whole stack.
“You can send Fish to my locker because these are really good,” Phil said.
“So you still don’t know who this guy is?” Pj asked.
“Nope,” Dan sighed. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m dying to know who he is, but I can’t just make him tell me, y’know?”
“Shh, Pj. Once he knows who Fish is, he’s never going to shut up about him. The guy is just an email address and I already have to hear about him constantly.” Louise took another cookie and bumped Dan’s shoulder in the process.
Dan scoffed. “I don’t talk about him that much.”
“Really? ‘Oh Fish said I’m cute, Fish said I’m funny, Fish this, Fish that.’”
Heat started to rise up Dan’s neck. “Sue me for being gay and happy that I have someone to be gay with.”
“I will.” Louise kicked his leg.
“Hey! Don’t kick me. I’m gay, Louise, that’s now considered a hate crime.”
Phil choked on his cookie across the table.
“You alright?” Max slapped Phil on the back a few times, which probably didn’t help much.
“Yeah, yeah, sorry that was funny,” Phil coughed and hit his chest with his fist, adjusting his glasses with the other hand.
“See, Phil isn’t homophobic.” Dan kicked Louise back.
“Whatever, Howell, you know I love you.”
*~*
From: [email protected]
Date: Feb 12
Subject: Okay less cookies it is
Danny Boy,
Listen, I love making you things. Even if it is just cookies.
I think I’m going to be coming to the show on Saturday and then the fair afterwards. Who has a fair in winter? I know we’re in the south, but still. I don’t want to have to wear my jacket when I’m riding the ferris wheel. Honestly, I’m too excited for that ride. It’s just so relaxing, you know? Well, it is unless I look down lol I hate heights.
You’ll do fine, though. I’ll be in the audience checking you out the whole time. Is it wrong for me to say that I’m excited to see you in a leather jacket? Greaser!Dan is going to be hot af.
Love, Fish
From [email protected]
Date: Feb 12
Subject: Me? Hot? Never.
Fish,
I didn’t know that you were so up to date with fanfic lingo. FicReader!Phil is one I want to know more about. Let me guess: Drarry? Because MEEEE. Or are you more into the glee fandom? Or are you reading about Ash and Brock having hot poke-sex under the stars? I’m not letting this one go, either, so just be truthful.
I’m more nervous now that I know you’re going to be there watching me. What if I fuck up and you hate me? I know that’s dramatic but that’s how my dumb brain works. Meh. Be cute and reassure me?
Love, Dan
*~*
The last thing Dan was expecting when he opened his locker was something other than cookies. On the top shelf was a piece of fabric with a sticky-note on top of it.
Dan,
Stop being a fake Muse stan
Also, I’m tired of using email (333)555-2342
Love, Fish
Dan unfolded the fabric. It was a black shirt with the Muse logo on the front. Simple and monochrome. Just how Dan liked his clothes. He took no time rushing to the bathroom so he could exchange his plain black v-neck for his new shirt and to send a text.
Dan: you spork I cant believe you got me a muse shirt. btw get ready for no punctuation and typos because i aint got time for that shit on my phone I love you you nerd
Dan didn’t stop smiling all day.
*~*
All morning he was restless. The Friday show went well, fantastic even. So well that they got a standing ovation. But now it felt like static was running through Dan's veins.
“Dan, if you don’t stop shaking your leg, I’m going to poke your eye out with this.”
“Sorry, just anxious,” Dan sighed, willing his leg to be still as Sophie readjusted herself in front of him. She had on her Frenchie wig and pink jacket. She looked great.
“I know. Give me your face.” She took hold of his head and pulled his lower lid down with her thumb and started lining his eye again with the eyeliner. A few moments passed before Sophie spoke again. “Why don’t you just ask him who he is?”
“Because he doesn’t want to tell me,” Dan murmured against Sophie’s arm.
She pulled away and Dan looked at himself in the mirror of the bathroom.
“Maybe he’s changed his mind. He’s baked you cookies, bought you a shirt of your favorite band, and now he is coming to see the musical just because you’re in it.”
“Maybe.”
“Just look at yourself. You’re looking sexy as fuck with that eyeliner. I would want to kiss you if I were Fish.”
He had to admit that he looked really good. His hair was slicked back and one lone curl hung down over his forehead, and Sophie definitely had a way with contour.
“You should ask him to meet you at the fair tonight. At least try?”
“I should, shouldn’t I?”
“Yeah, because I’m tired of seeing you so thirsty.”
“Shut up,” Dan laughed. But Sophie was right, he thought. They hadn’t talked about it in over a month. Maybe Fish was ready, but was waiting on Dan to ask. Maybe he wasn’t. Either way, he didn’t have much to lose at this point, so he pulled his phone from his bag on the floor of the school bathroom.
Dan: So I know weve talked about this before but its been awhile. Im dying to know who you are. I just want to hold you and kiss you and be able to tell you how beautiful you are just like you do with me. So if youre ready, ill be at the ferris wheel at 8 tonight. I hope to see you there. Have fun watching me flop on stage<3
“Final call!” Quinn called from the band room, pulling Dan out of his haze.
“Let’s do this, Howell.” Sophie took his phone and dropped it into the bag, stuffing it in his hands.
Despite his whole body tingling, Dan smiled and nodded his head.
*~*
Between scenes, Dan checked his phone. The only text he’d gotten was one that said, “Break a leg <3” from Fish. He never acknowledged Dan’s invitation. That put him on edge.
He felt light headed as he tried desperately to Hand Jive properly during the school dance scene. Somehow Grease Lighting went well even though Dan was profusely sweating in his leather jacket and could feel the sweat ruining his makeup. Finally, during We Go Together, long after the stage anxiety had left, the anxiety of the fair seeped in.
Once again they got a standing ovation, but this time was different. As Dan stayed in his final position and watched the crowd clap and cheer, he knew Fish was out there somewhere looking at him and clapping along.
The cast bows ensued, and then in a whirlwind, Dan was in the pit giving hugs to his parents and friends. All he wanted to do was rush home and take a shower, but one after another people wanted to chat.
Finally, he broke away and rushed home, driving too fast. He took his steps two at a time up to his room. There were clothes everywhere, so he picked up some and smelled them just to make sure they were clean, when he noticed something was off. On his desk sat a vase with a bouquet of black roses.
Immediately, he felt tears well up in his eyes. He searched the flowers and found a card.
Dan,
You did great like I knew you would. Thank Sophie for getting these to your house. I may have outed myself to her so I could make sure you got these because you deserve a million flowers for how awesome you are. I love you more than I could ever explain with words.
Love, Fish
*~*
It was almost half past eight. Dan was about to give up. Fish wasn’t coming.
Sophie and Louise had encouraged him to stay a little longer while they went to ride more rides.
He had just enough tickets left for one more ride. He was going to save them in case Fish actually showed up, or at least texted him to let him know he wasn’t going to show instead of letting Dan stand here like a fool.
Defeat tasted gross. Like wintergreen toothpaste and copper. Or maybe that was the inside of Dan’s cheek that he had bit off mixing with the toothpaste.
With his shoulders slumped, Dan trudged up to the man working the ferris wheel and handed him his tickets. He sat down and the cool metal sent goosebumps over the back of his neck.
“Wait!” someone called as the worker clicked the door shut.
Phil strode up, his hands stuffed into the pocket of his hoodie.
“Can I sit there?” Phil asked.
“Uh, yeah, sure.”
The worker took a string of tickets from Phil and opened the latch so he could slip in beside Dan.
“Hi,” Phil breathed.
“Hi,” Dan chuckled. “How are you enjoying the fair?”
The ride came to life and they started moving.
“Oh, it’s good. Had to catch my favorite ride before I went home.”
They stopped at the top as people got on and off the ride.
“Yeah, the ferris wheel is nice.” Dan looked out to the fair. People were swarming everywhere, but from where they were it was like watching a movie. He didn’t have to deal with any of them at this height.
“Just as long as I don’t look down, I love it.”
Dan looked over to him. Phil had a knowing smile on his face, his hands clenching the bar in front of them and his eyes were on Dan.
Then it hit and Dan’s stomach dropped.
“Wait, it- is it you?”
The ride started to move again and the wind blew through their hair. The chill made Dan shiver, and he caught a whiff of funnel cake.
“Your eyes really do look better this close up.” Phil laughed and covered his mouth with his hand.
Dan scoffed and looked out to the crowd again, this time getting bigger and smaller with every turn of the wheel.
“You’re disappointed, aren’t you?”
Phil’s smile had disappeared when Dan turned back. He never noticed how Phil’s eyes were more than blue. They were blue and yellow and green, and Jesus Christ he had long eyelashes.
“I thought It was you. At your Halloween party. I was actually going to ask you in my drunken stupor, but you were with that girl and-“
“Oh, yeah, that.” Phil let out a dry laugh. “That ended pretty soon after you walked in. I was confused and thought maybe if I tried to be straight…But I’m not. I’m gay.”
“And also a giant.”
“And a nerd.”
“But a cute nerd. A nerd that I would like to kiss.”
Dan took his hand and placed it on Phil’s cheek. He was hyper aware of how close they already were, their sides pressed up against each other, radiating heat. Phil’s hair was in a perfect quiff and for once he wasn’t wearing his glasses. The skin of Phil’s cheek was soft and warm under Dan’s hand.
Phil’s eyes became glossy, and Dan could see the lights of the setting sun and ferris wheel reflecting off them. “I’ve been dreaming of this moment way before I knew how beautiful you were.” Phil smiled, leaned in, and pressed their lips together.
Dan leaned back to look at Phil, the world still moving behind them. They both giggled before Dan pulled Phil back in and their lips met with more certainty, moving together like it was the most natural thing.
*~*
From: [email protected]
Date: Mar 15
Subject: uwu
Dear Timber,
I've been thinking about you all day. I love how you fell asleep in biology and didn't get in trouble. How did you manage that? For god sakes, the whole class heard you snoring. Rude.
Anyway, I wanted to ask you a question. Please think about this as it means a lot to me. Would you, Timber, go to the Gala Gardens with me on Saturday? I know it's last minute, so if you have other plans I understand.
Please consider going with little ol' me? I will buy you an ice cream. And let you hold my hand. And maybe more. Probably more.
Love, Fish
Dan chuckled and looked up from his phone. His friends sat around the lunch table paying him no mind, but Phil on the other hand was quietly shaking with laughter beside him, his hand covering his mouth.
"You spork," Dan laughed, elbowing Phil in his side, which just made his boyfriend laugh louder.
"What?" Phil shrugged his shoulders.
"We haven't used email in, like, a month." Dan started slapping Phil lightly on his shoulder.
"Babuse! This is babuse! Max! Pj! Someone!"
"Stop flirting. It's gross," Louise said from the other side of Dan.
"You're such a loser." Dan dropped his hands and went back to his phone.
From: [email protected]
Date: Mar 15
Subject: Re: uwu
Dear PHIL,
You're such a fucking weirdo. But I suppose that's why I love you. I GUESS I will go to the DUMB gardens with you. And get a DUMB ice cream. And hold your DUMB hand. And kiss your DUMB face. But on one condition: We get to go into the Garden of Death first and see all the cool plants that could kill us. THEN we can do whatever your little heart desires.
Love, DAN because that's my name that you've known for MONTHS.
P.S. I love you
*~*
His legs hurt. Okay, that was an understatement. His legs were killing him. In the back of his mind, Dan wondered why he let Phil drag him to an eight-hundred acre botanical garden. Because he loved Phil, that's why. Because nothing was better than watching Phil's face light up as he pulled Dan by the hand to see yet another brightly colored flower or tree with obnoxiously large leaves. Dan's legs might have been yelling at him to sit down, but he kept walking.
They had been there for almost eight hours and somehow Phil was still going.
"Dan?"
"Hmm?" Dan hummed, looking up from a plaque in front of a large bush full of tiny flowers.
"Ready for ice cream? We have to hurry if we're going to make the fountain show."
"Oh, now I get that ice cream you promised," Dan said dryly.
Phil dragged a hand through his hair that started becoming unruly hours ago. Dan didn't mind. He thought Phil suited the chaotic look.
With a smile, Phil linked his arm around Dan's and led him towards the food court. They got their ice cream cones that were too big and leaning a bit, and made their way to the fountains. The only plus side of arriving to the gardens so early was they had laid their blanket in the optimal spot for viewing the show.
The sun had almost set and people were lined up behind them, some in chairs and others lounging on blankets or towels. In front of them was a beautiful display of fountains made from beautiful, smooth cream colored stone that shot water this way and that. Everything had a dark orange glow, including the boy sat in front of Dan. He silently wondered what he did to deserve such a beautiful human with his crooked smile that made his eyes crinkle and bright blue eyes that shined brighter than any others.
"What?" Phil asked, catching Dan's gaze. A bit of chocolate ice cream had made its way to his cheek.
Dan reached out and wiped it away not saying anything. A knot formed in his stomach and words almost spilled out of his mouth. They had never said those words out loud. Sure, in every email or even through texts throughout the day, but neither boy had yet to say "I love you" out loud. Maybe it was because then it solidified their feelings. Maybe because it meant more when you said stuff like that in person. Maybe not. Maybe Dan was just overthinking it. He was probably overthinking it.
Before Dan could think of anything to say, the lights all around them besides the large fountain on the far side across from them had dimmed and a voice came over the loudspeaker. The show was about to start.
Once the lady over the speaker had finished her speech on the history of the gardens and fountains, a silence fell across the garden. Dan snuck a glace to Phil, who was practically vibrating.
"You're going to love this," Phil whispered and scooted closer,offering his hand.
Dan gladly took it. Then the music began.
*~*
Dan walked in a daze. The fountain show had been spectacular. He was glad Phil picked alternative music night to come. The music gave him goosebumps, or maybe it was Phil's arm intertwined with his, Phil's hand resting on Dan's thigh making his brain go haywire.
They walked to the car in silence, fingers laced together. The parking lot was filled with families heading to their own cars, everyone trying to beat the rush. When they got to Dan's car, the boys fell into their seats and Dan surveyed the traffic.
"Mind if we wait until more people leave? I hate parking lots," Dan said, plugging his phone into his AUX cord.
"That's fine. Mom isn't expecting me home until midnight, anyway," Phil mused, leaning back in his seat, stretching his long legs out as far as they could go.
With a glance at the clock, Dan realized they both had over two hours before they were due home.
Dan pressed play and the 1975 came softly from the radio.
"I had a lot of fun," Dan said leaning on his center console and glancing over at Phil, head resting on the seat but turned towards Dan.
"Thanks for coming with me. I know it's not really your thing."
"But you are."
Phil laughed. "You're so cheesy."
"It's suppose to be cheesy," Dan retorted, rolling his eyes and leaning in to peck Phil on the lips. There was still a part of him that couldn't believe that he could just kiss Phil whenever he wanted.
Dan started to pull back, but Phil placed a hand on the back of Dan's neck and pulled him back, turning his innocent peck into a fiery kiss.
If there was one thing Dan wished he had, it was more alone time with Phil. It always seemed someone was around, whether it was their friends or Dan's little brother spying on them or their parents. This was the first time they had truly been alone, despite the people in the parking lot that was slowly becoming empty. So, he took advantage of the time.
They moved together seamlessly, mouths opening and their breaths becoming faster, and Dan couldn't get enough of it. It felt so much different from the few girls he had kissed. This felt right.
Eventually they came up for air, looking at each other with hungry eyes.
"I-," Phil started, but cut himself off and swallowed hard.
"I love you," Dan blurted. He was nothing if not blunt.
A slow smile tugged at the corner of Phil's lips, his eyes darting back and forth between Dan's. "I love you, too."
The only thing Dan could think about was how he got so lucky. He pulled Phil back in, and despite the people passing by, the headlights from the leaving cars shining into his own vehicle like a spotlight and the chill of the early spring air, Dan couldn't ask for anything more.