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Baekhee was on her period when she first met Jongin.
Her period was so irregular that she had taken to wearing pantyliners all the time, but on that day, she felt the blood gush out of her and knew the pantyliner would be of no use. She decided to check, though, just in case it wasn’t blood, but regular vaginal discharge that occurred on non-period days. She knew vaginal discharge didn’t gush but wanted to hold onto that little bit of hope. She raised her haunches slowly off the seat, and with knees still bent, pulled the hem of her skirt and craned her neck down over her shoulder, checking the back of her skirt.
Hope was replaced with resignation when she saw a patch of red. She also thought she saw, from the corner of her eye, the man next to her whip his head away from her quickly as though he’d seen her for just a second. But when she hurriedly sat back down and glanced at him, his demeanour was as if he’d been looking out the window this whole time.
There she was, sitting in the bus, in public, with blood definitely staining her pastel blue skirt. The moment she stood up from her seat, everyone would be able to see it- and what about getting down from the bus and making it home? Even if she ran, her neighbourhood was always bustling. She already felt gross, now she felt humiliated in advance. She wished the bus ride would never end so that she’d never have to get up from her seat… but even if she rode on through stop after stop and waited until everyone had gotten off, even if she left the bus last, she would still have to navigate a public place in her high heels and her stained skirt before she could reach the safety of her home.
Her mind whirled with dread so strong it made her stomach clench. She was so lost in her own anxious thoughts that at first, she didn’t hear the man beside her trying to get her attention.
“Excuse me?” he said, still softly but louder than the first time, closer to her ear.
She flinched and turned to him. “...What?”
“Tell me when your stop is, and I’ll stand up right behind you so that I’ll be blocking their view. You can tie my jacket around your waist,” he said. His voice was low, soothing even when his words were rushed. It took Baekhee a minute to understand what he was saying.
“Thank you so much,” she said, “Really.” And turned away, blinking rapidly because her eyes had decided to well up with relief. They didn’t talk much after that because Baekhee felt rather awkward and the man seemed to have a shy disposition.
When they were nearly at her stop, Baekhee said, “I’ll have to get off soon.”
“Okay,” said the man, giving her a thumbs up. Soon the bus slowed. Baekhee shouldered her handbag and stood, stepping out into the aisle, and she heard the man get to his feet behind her. The next moment, his arms were around her waist, carefully tying his black hooded jacket around her waist. He managed to keep his arms an inch or so away from her body while doing it, so that they minimally brushed against her- manner hands , she thought.
Of course, the man had to get off the bus with her, because his actions just now implied that they were together.
“I’m sorry,” said Baekhee, turning to him once the bus had left.
“Why?” He looked taken aback.
“You had to get off the bus, too,” she said, “I’ve really inconvenienced you.”
“It’s no big deal, I’ll just wait for the next bus,” he said. “Don’t apologise for something that was out of your control. And you didn’t make a mistake. You’ve been made to hide and be embarrassed of something that’s natural, it’s not you who should be sorry.”
Baekhee stared. It took her by surprise that this man who had been shy and almost diffident earlier could talk so passionately. But now, as though he just realised how much he’d said, he became self-conscious. Baekhee wanted to pet him and put him at ease when she saw him rubbing his neck, his ears turning red. But petting him would only embarrass him more, not put him at ease. It would also require more daring than Baekhee felt capable of.
“You’re right. In a different world, staining my skirt might have been normal and I wouldn’t have had to bother about it,” she said slowly. “Thank you. For the thought. And for helping me out of a tight spot.”
“It’s nothing,” he said brusquely.
“Uh, can I have your number? So that I can meet you again to return your jacket. And I want to thank you by buying you a meal.”
“You can keep the jacket,” the man said confusedly.
“I don’t want to. I’ll delete your number after I give it back to you,” said Baekhee.
“All right,” he dialed his number for her, sighing, “No need to buy me a meal or anything.” When Baekhee looked slightly upset, he amended, “we could go out for a coffee, maybe.”
“I’m holding you to it,” said Baekhee brightly. “Sorry, I have to hurry home now!”
As she ran back home, Baekhee felt almost uplifted. There was nothing like a random act of kindness courtesy of a stranger to make one believe in humanity a little bit again, after a tiring day at work and after being jaded by life for a long while.
Once she was home, she usually just crashed, but she felt more energetic today, despite her period having started; she was usually even more fatigued during her period but today she didn’t feel like collapsing immediately. She changed her clothes, getting into clean underwear and her most comfortable pajamas, and wore one of her menstrual cups. She put on some water to boil and also plugged in her hot water bag. After relaxing with some hot peppermint tea, she washed her stained skirt and underwear, and then separately washed the stranger’s jacket.
After putting them out to dry, she curled into the couch with a sigh and her second cup of peppermint tea, her laptop open on the coffee table. She browsed something to mindlessly watch for a while and settled on rewatching a favourite drama. For a while it worked, she was distracted from her cramps and finished her tea. Then she paused, picked up the phone and ordered in.
She unplugged her hot water bag and, upon returning to the couch, settled it on her stomach. She continued playing the drama, but even though it was her go-to comfort watch, it didn’t seem to distract her from the cramps anymore.
They were definitely getting worse. They wouldn’t get really bad until tomorrow, which would also be when her flow tended to be the heaviest: the second day of her cycle. She hated nights during her cycle, too. She couldn’t wear her cup at nights because it would fill too quickly, especially as her uterus tended to shed clots at night. And during the days of the cycle that were the most painful for her, she once more couldn’t wear her cup, because she always wanted to push her abdominal muscles outwards to ease the pain, and that often broke the seal of the cup so that she leaked.
In short, her period was a bitch. And Baekhee had devised many ways to make things easier on herself, but even with all of that, she often couldn’t successfully ignore just how much of a bitch it was.
~
The rest of her cycle passed by in a painful blur. She curled up on her bed, her knees pressed to her chest, when her abdomen ached. Then she straightened out again when her back ached. Sometimes, she could fall asleep and forget the pain, but other times the pain was so bad it woke her up. She had long decided to stay off any medication, because she inevitably needed larger doses with each cycle until it wasn’t safe to take any more, and then the cycle after that she’d experience the pain to be particularly unbearable and intense precisely because she had gotten so used to taking meds to dwindle it.
After stumbling to the bathroom in the middle of the night to change her soaked pad, Baekhee saw herself in the mirror above the sink. She was sickly pale, eyes puffy and cheeks wet. Not for the first time, she wished there was someone to comfort her through it.
She went back to bed, curling up in a corner of it. When you were sick, thought Baekhee, it was only natural to wish there was someone to take care of you; to wish you were a child again with someone to coddle you. It didn’t mean you really wanted someone in your life.
That’s what she told herself, grasping for sleep over the waves of pain.
~
Baekhee’s cycle lasted five days. She took the sixth day to recuperate, and on the seventh, she met Mr. Manner Hands for coffee.
She found out his name was Jongin, and he worked as a stagehand. Also, he didn’t like coffee.
“Why did you offer that we meet over coffee?” laughed Baekhee.
“Meeting over coffee doesn’t have to mean meeting over coffee ,” said Jongin, and Baekhee was endeared.
“Is it fun? Being a stagehand.”
“It’s harrying, but worth it. Turns out you don’t have to perform to experience the adrenaline of the stage.”
Baekhee nodded. “I can imagine.”
“What about you? What kind of work do you do?”
Baekhee offered him her coffee, laughing when he made a show of warding it off with a grimace. “I model. I used to work a nine-to-five for a consultancy, but I kept skipping work on my period, so they fired me. Freelance suits me better.”
“They didn’t consider period leave as a policy, leave alone you as an employee?”
Baekhee shook her head, but Jongin wasn’t really looking at her. He was glaring at the table. His jaw was clenched. So was his fist. It struck Baekhee that he was very attractive. She hesitantly reached out and placed her hand over his fist.
Jongin looked surprised for a moment, then he relaxed, and so did his fist. So that they were just sitting there with Baekhee’s hand over his on the table.
“Um,” said Baekhee, and retracted her hand quickly.
“That’s okay,” said Jongin, his smile laced with mischief. “I’d like to hold your hand, actually.”
“Oh,” said Baekhee.
Jongin extended his hand, palm upwards, still wearing that smile. Her insides jumping with anticipation and apprehension, Baekhee slowly placed her hand in his.
Jongin held Baekhee’s hand gently, next to the napkin holder. Baekhee kept looking at their hands and smiling, and Jongin kept looking at her and smiling.
When they were splitting the bill, Jongin said, “Want to go out for coffee again sometime?”
“I thought you don’t like coffee,” said Baekhyun, grinning.
Jongin pouted.
“I’d like to go out with you,” said Baekhee. “Just not for coffee. What do you like?”
“Puppies?” offered Jongin.
Baekhee blinked. “I have a dog. Mongryong.”
“I have three dogs. We should walk them together sometime.”
“That’d be lovely!”
“Before we do that, though, I know of this pup cafe.”
“I agree,” said Baekhee immediately, and then added. “By the way.”
“Yeah?”
“You didn’t seem super keen to meet me at first… and now you’re agreeing to a second date. I’m just curious about what changed your mind?”
“Oh.” Jongin paused, as though wording it in his head first. “Um. I helped you that day on the bus, because I wanted to help. Not to get anything out of it. I didn’t know why you wanted to meet me again- like, I didn’t know whether you really wanted to meet me, or you’d known many people who think being nice to you gives them entitlement.”
“I-I wanted to meet you,” said Baekhee, and there was a tingle of warmth in her cheeks when she realised she was hoping to be able to meet this man many, many times after this. “I didn’t think I was obliged to. I wanted to.”
Jongin grinned. “I know. I knew it when you held my hand over the table.”
Baekhee covered her face with her hands, the sweet sound of Jongin’s laughter filling her head.
~
They had an equally successful date at the pup cafe. The dogs, ranging from scampering little puppies to tall, lean hounds, were all over Jongin. Baekhee watched him talk fondly to them, giving as much affection back, and the fluttering in her chest grew warmer and happier.
“You’re paying more attention to the dogs than to your date,” said Baekhee in mock petulance.
“Oh, I’m so sorry,” said Jongin, straightening up hurriedly only to find Baekhee grinning at him. The collie he was petting rolled on its back and pawed the air, asking for his attention again.
~
Three months later, they were sitting on a bench in a park, Baekhee huddling into Jongin’s chest against the morning chill. The dogs were wandering around trailing their leashes without straying far from their owners. It had become a habit for Baekhee and Jongin to walk their dogs together every morning. Baekhee would step out of her house to find Jongin waiting and Monggu, Jjangu and Jjangah yapping. Jongin, bouncing and huffing on the spot because of the chill, would smile a “Good morning”, the smile curving into his eyes.
“Baekhee,” said Jongin, his voice thrumming warmly so that Baekhee could feel it in all the parts that were pressed to his chest- her cheek, shoulder and part of her back.
“Mmmm?”
“Should we raise our dogs together?”
Baekhee paused in rubbing her cheek in his chest to raise her head, surprised. “What?”
Jongin was blushing- maybe it was because of the cold, but he met her gaze unwaveringly. “Let’s raise our dogs together. Become a family. Move in with me?”
Baekhee nodded. Then she hid her face in Jongin’s chest and nodded again. The next moment, Jongin’s warm hand was on her head, caressing, and Jongin was saying, “I’m happy. I want to make you happy too.”
“I don’t know if I can handle more happiness,” said Baekhee, voice muffled.
Jongin kissed the crown of her head and murmured into her hair, “Of course you can.”
~
A sharp pang of pain had yanked Baekhee out of sleep. She pulled her knees up to her chest with the pillow between, to apply some weight on her abdomen. She tried to change her position slowly, so as not to disturb Jongin, but he shifted and settled in his sleep. Baekhee tried to settle too, but the pain racked her again, and she scrunched up, trembling. She bit the pillow, but not in time to muffle the first whimper that was out of her mouth.
Jongin moved, then raised his head. Baekhee bit the pillow harder, but her whimpers were the only sound in the room. Jongin reached over her huddled form to turn on the lamp. “Babe? What’s wrong?”
Baekee blinked in the sudden light, teary eyed. Alarmed, Jongin peered at her, putting a hand to her forehead.
“Iff huff,” said Baekhee through a mouthful of pillow.
Jongin gently tugged the pillow out of her mouth and cupped her face. Baekhee sobbed, then folded over, smushing her cheek on the mattress. “It hurts- like-” She pushed out her abdomen with all her might, as though she was giving birth, scrunching her face so hard that the tears tracking her cheeks were pushed back up into her eyes. “A bitch,” and then she relaxed. Only to suffer another pang, rocking and sobbing.
Jongin scrambled to find her thermos, pouring out some chamomile tea for her. She could barely sit up, but he held the back of her head with one hand and held the cup to her lips with the other, and she managed a few sips.
“I’ve plugged in your hot water bag,” said Jongin. “It’ll take ten minutes.”
“Fuck,” said Baekhee into the cup. “Forgot.”
“I’ll massage you in the meanwhile.”
Baekhee finished drinking, and flopped down immediately, her back killing her. She stretched out like a starfish and grunted, “Just put- some weight on me.”
“Okay,” said Jongin, and lay his head on her abdomen. Baekhee sighed, for it gave her a measure of relief- bless his heavy head. She craned her neck for a moment and saw that Jongin’s cheek was squished against her belly, his hair tousled and eyes soft with sleep.
“Babe, you’re better than a hot water bag,” sighed Baekhee as her head tipped back again. She wished they could fall asleep like this, with Jongin pillowed on her belly so comfortingly, but the pain still flared and receded, flared and receded.
Jongin placed the hot water bag on her belly, as well as hot patches on her back, then nuzzled into her neck, stroking her hair comfortingly. When she asked, he sang for her, his honeyed humming blanketing her until she was able to descend into sleep again.
The next day, she was sore all over, and Jongin ran her a hot bath. Her skin turned red when she entered, but it was bliss. She didn’t want to bleed into the bath, so she wore a cup. Jongin joined her and soaped her up gently.
Eventually she leaked, and had to empty the bath and empty her cup, but Jongin had pampered her well before that so it was worth it.
Feeling warm and clean and cared for, Baekhee settled into bed again, with her thermos and her hot water bag and a slab of chocolate. To her surprise, Jongin brought her a tray of rich pumpkin porridge with herb crackers, and got into bed with her.
“When did you make this?”
“This morning. I let you sleep in today, remember? Cause you’re going to stay at home today.”
Baekhee rested her head on his shoulder. “Aren’t you going to be late for work?”
He raised the spoon to her lips. “I’m staying home to take care of you.”
“This is so good,” groaned Baekhee, and Jongin, grinning, fed her a second spoonful. She swallowed and added, “I love you.”
“I love you too,” said Jongin. Baekee bit into a cracker and let her head fall on his shoulder again, cradling the hot water bag against her belly while Jongin cradled her.