Work Text:
1.) Don’t stop anywhere for snacks when asked to scope out a perimeter.
2.) Not allowed to create a distraction unless one has been specifically requested.
3.) No cosplay.
4.) No mid-battle dance breaks.
5.) Grappling hooks are not toys.
6.) Not allowed to refer to Leonardo as Leerless Feeder.
7.) Not allowed to fake dyslexia.
8.) Leave the pigeons alone.
9.) A ninja cannot set his weapons to stun or kill.
10.) Do not post anything we are doing to Instagram.
11.) Also may not tweet, reblog, or status update about the current mission.
12.) Leonardo’s orders may never be disregarded for religious reasons, especially if that religion is Rastafarianism.
13.) May not operate motor vehicles for any reason whatsoever.
14.) Cannot respond to Leonardo’s handsigns with vulgar ASL.
15.) Not to accuse team members of demonic possession or try to perform impromptu exorcisms.
16.) Not allowed to look through Don’s bag of tricks for something corrosive.
17.) Not allowed to look through Don’s bag of tricks for something explosive.
18.) When asked why explosives or corrosives might be necessary for the mission, “no reason” is never an acceptable answer.
19.) Not allowed to look through Don’s bag of tricks for any reason.
20.) Amnesia is never a good excuse for my behavior.
21.) Neither is “the mind worms made me do it”.
22.) There is no such discipline as “voodoojutsu” and never will be.
23.) It is not okay to borrow Raph’s sai because I forgot to bring shuko spikes.
24.) Not allowed to yell “olly olly oxen free” when Leonardo gives the handsign to break stealth.
25.) Leonardo’s reminder of the game plan is not to be followed by the words “It is known” or “so say we all”.
26.) May not drink three or more sodas before any mission we know will require surveillance.
27.) Half-melted jolly ranchers are not a good substitute for caltrops.
28.) Mission takes priority over T-phone games, even when really, really close to beating a high score.
29.) Awnings are not trampolines.
30.) No taking selfies with the enemy.
31.) I am not Batman.
32.) I am also not the Terror Who Flaps in the Night.
33.) No pretending to be drunk.
34.) No actually being drunk.
35.) Hitting on the enemy is unacceptable, even with reason to believe that they might be super hot under that mask.
36.) No giving away our position because an ambush is taking too long.
37.) It is not necessary to “power up” any moves by yelling or calling out their names at top volume.
38.) New additions to the underwear collection are never a mission priority.
39) At no point during a mission am I allowed to stop to work on a drinking game list based on common occurrences during missions such as ‘take a shot every time Leonardo makes the ‘be quiet’ eyes’ or ‘take a shot every time a Foot ninja gets another bone broken’
40) I am not allowed to play the Ninja Turtle Super Secret Mission Drinking Game during a mission
41) I am not allowed to record the missions and play the Ninja Turtle Super Secret Mission Drinking Game back home at the lair later
42) Do not blast ‘The Final Countdown’, ‘Eye of the Tiger’ or ‘Don’t Stop Believing’ from my t-phone when the fight begins
43) Fights do not require any musical soundtracks. At all.
44) During no mission is it ever acceptable to make loud, heavy breathing noises and then tell enemy that “I am your father”
45) Do not invite enemy to “pull my finger”, not even when it is really, really funny
46) Not allowed to fight with sock puppets on my hands
47) Definitely not allowed to make sock puppets narrate fight in funny voices
48) I am not Bugs Bunny and therefore cannot convincingly dress up as a sexy woman and distract the enemy
49) The addition of bunny ears and tail does not help
50) Not allowed to fake an injury so that Raphael is forced to carry me
51) Not allowed to deliberately get an injury so that Raphael is forced to carry me
52) Not allowed to distract enemies by performing the Single Ladies dance, even if I do know the whole thing and am really, really good at it
53) No one wants to hear me sing ‘We Are The Champions’ over and over again on the way back to the lair
54) I may not do a “victory lap” of the block with the enemies’ underpants tied to Don’s bo staff and brandished as a flag
55) Substituting yoyos, strings of salami or foam bats for actual ninja weapons is not funny, it’s dangerous, our enemies are serious and will kill us given the chance
56) Inviting the enemy to a dance-off isn’t cute
57) Neither is inviting them to a rap battle
58) Or a poetry slam
58) Going forward, I am not permitted to speak to the enemy at all
59) Attempting to communicate with the enemy through mime is also forbidden
60) I may not carry flashcards and use them to write messages to the enemy
61) Enemies are unlikely to know Morse code and I am just wasting leisure time trying to learn and if I really want to study then Leonardo would be more than happy to help me with my Japanese
62) Do not search for enemies on Tinder OR Grindr in the middle of a fight in order to invite them to a dance-off/rap battle/poetry slam
63) Suggesting we attempt to infiltrate enemy headquarters by disguising ourselves as the next hottest boy band in search of a wealthy patron is infantile
64) During an escape, grabbing the wheel of an enemy vehicle and saying “don’t worry, I saw this on a cartoon once” is strictly forbidden
65) Yes, so is actually attempting what I saw on the cartoon
66) No marijuana may be “confiscated” by me so that it does not “fall into the wrong hands”
67) In the instance a confrontation with the police occurs, I am to vanish and not say “hey nice cosplay, are you on your way to NYCC too?”
68) Am absolutely under no circumstances to follow this up with “wow, that gun looks super real, can I hold it?”
69) I am not a psychic conduit for sensei to pass on messages to Leonardo through, especially when those “messages” are contradictions of Leonardo’s direct orders
70) I am forbidden from eating chili dogs, cauliflower, eggs, pepperoni pizza, garlic, any Mexican food, any Indian food, cabbage or onions before a mission
71) Wedgies are NOT an acceptable attack.
72) Neither are super atomic Wedgies
73) Neither are wet willies.
74) When ambushing an enemy, running off to “grab a couple of pies” is irresponsible and not allowed.
75) The Turtle Titan and the Turflytle costumes stay in the lair, per rule 3.
76) I am not allowed to quote horribly lip-synced Japanese action films to the enemy… or to my teammates
77) It is not OK to change Raph’s ringtone to “Everybody Was Kung-Fu Fighting” and then call him in the middle of a battle.