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Thirteen years is a long time to be alone. In death it is even more.
Wei Wuxian was by no means a quiet person. He loved to speak, to laugh, to act – anything and everything that is woven into the very definition of living is what he loved to experience. That is what made his death even harder than it could have, should have, been.
Being dead was something he didn’t exactly experience. When he had awoken in Mo Xuanyu’s body he knew he had been dead, he remembered dying, and yet he didn’t remember being dead. If living is to experience things, then death is the absence of that, and that is what Wei Wuxian hated the most about it all.
Almost.
It was the dark that he hated about it the most. Something strange to imagine for a man who was known for his demonic cultivation; surely, darkness and demons walk hand in hand. Ironic, it could be called. But it was the truth.
It was what kept him awake at night, sometimes. Even with Lan Wangji’s next to him, Wei Wuxian was terrified. Maybe he could laugh it off in the light of day and joke about his death with a light heartedness he really shouldn’t have, but in the night there was that ever present fear that maybe he had come to the last time he would see the darkness again before it was all he’d see.
The night time was dark, the night time was silent, the night time was like death.
Wei Wuxian was beside Lan Wangji who was still asleep, as all Lan clan members would be at 2am. At least, Wei Wuxian thought Lan Wangji was asleep, since it was only expected that he would be and the fact that he lay there, still beneath the covers of the bed, the same as when he had first laid down. For a man with no envies, Wei Wuxian was envious of Lan Wangji’s ability to sleep like clockwork from 9 to 5 each night, of his ability to relax for and allow his brain to settle down to reset for the coming day. He missed it. The relaxation part of it. Wei Wuxian could sleep after all, but it was strange, waking up more tired than he had been when he first went to bed.
Either way, Wei Wuxian was awake and Lan Wangji seemed to not be until Wei Wuxian must have shuffled around in their bed too much or kicked the other man by accident or something similar, because Lan Wangji was roused from his sleep to find Wei Wuxian lying there, eyes still flitting around the Jingshi and brain still working a mile a minute.
“Wei Ying, you’re awake.”
“Mn,” Wei Wuxian replied absently, breathing in deeply. There wasn’t a need for a response as Lan Wangji could practically hear how hard at work Wei Wuxian’s brain still was, ruminating over something. It was only when a few minutes passed and neither of them made a move to continue the conversation that Lan Wangji felt the need to press further. He sat up in the bed and straightened his back.
“Are you alright?” Wei Wuxian only shrugged. “Wei Ying, I’m here.” Lan Wangji assured him and the words made Wei Wuxian tense up slightly.
“It feels like I’m not,” he began, moving to sit beside Lan Wangji to talk to him properly. “I… I was dead. I still feel like I should be sometimes.”
“Do not say it.” There was a bitter taste to Lan Wangji’s words. Upset at the thought of Wei Wuxian being dead. It was still a fresh memory for both him and Wei Wuxian.
“I know,” he smiled softly, moving to grasp one of his husband’s hands in his own. His breath caught in his throat for a moment and his smile became pained and his eyelids fluttered. “I’m scared, Lan Zhan.”
He wouldn’t admit it to just anyone, Lan Zhan was the only exception, the person he could trust to understand him properly. Being tangible again after being just a spirit, maybe not even that, it was strange. Sometimes he expected himself to phase through reality itself and slip back into that nothingness without a warning.
“I don’t want to return to that, not yet. Not when I have so much to do and promises to keep.”
“Mn.” Lan Wangji agreed, nodding solemnly. He didn’t want that either. He had spent too long searching for his Wei Ying to have him taken away from him so quickly. They hadn’t had enough time together in the first place.
It was almost pathetic to think that if Wei Wuxian wasn’t beside him for longer than a few hours that Lan Wangji would return to those days where he would wake from dreams knowing that something important had been stolen from his side even when at the time it wasn’t his to call his own. To the days where he would search for Wei Wuxian even on the days where he didn’t fully believe he could find him.
“What can I do?” Lan Wangji asked, turning his body to face Wei Wuxian more. He didn’t know fully what it was Wei Wuxian was so adamant on not returning to and, even though he could have a good guess at it, he knew it would be better to ask Wei Wuxian himself.
“Stay beside me.” And Lan Wangji did. He lay back down with Wei Wuxian, sleeping the same way they had on the first night Wei Wuxian had returned to the Cloud Recesses, Wei Wuxian’s body laying on top of his own. He wrapped his arms around Wei Wuxian and held him close.
“Always.”
“Kiss me.” And Lan Wangji did. He let Wei Wuxian kiss him, and then her returned it, on his lips, his cheek, his forehead, in his hair. Letting Wei Wuxian settle his head on his chest and curl up on him.
“Always.”
“Sing to me.” And Lan Wangji did. He sang their song, lulling Wei Wuxian to sleep and running his hands up and down his husband’s back to sooth him even more.
In this dark, Wei Wuxian thought, everything is fine now. He was going to be fine. He was going to be okay and Lan Wangji was going to be there for him. In this dark, Wei Wuxian had his husband’s body heat to share, warming him up; his husband’s hands, anchoring him to his physical body; his husband’s voice and heartbeat to permeate the silence and keep his fears at bay.
And for as much as Lan Wangji allowed Wei Wuxian to go into that peaceful sleep from which he was sure to awake this time, Wei Wuxian was doing the same for Lan Wangji – the weight of his body proof that he was there, real, living, breathing, and in his arms to have and to hold.
“I love you, Lan Zhan,” the words were said on the verge of sleep, a truth that stayed with Wei Wuxian even as he succumbed to his tiredness.
“I love you, Wei Ying,” Lan Wangji returned the sentiment, placing one more kiss on the top of Wei Wuxian’s head.