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This feels like the longest train Dan has ever been on. Five hours to Edinburgh has nothing on this one journey to Reading from London, with Phil sat next to him. He’s trying not to draw attention to the fact that he’s shaking a little, so he shifts himself away from Phil, hoping that he won’t notice.
Of course Phil notices. Dan feels a hand slip into his, and looks down to see their fingers twine together. It’s crazy how, only a few months ago, that simple action still felt too scary, too impossible. Dan looks up at Phil, who’s giving him a gentle smile.
“It’s gonna be okay,” he whispers. A thumb runs over the back of Dan’s hand and he can feel Phil’s comfort begin to run over him a little. It doesn’t dull the nerves completely, but it reminds him that he’s not on his own.
Dan offers his own smile, before looking back down at their hands, curled together. He lifts them a little, just watching. It’s strange to think how that’s his hand. There was a time when he thought he’d never be able to hold his boyfriend’s hand in public. Things have changed so much. He’d give anything to go back to that small, sad boy, to tell him that he just has to keep going, that things are going to get better than he could ever imagine. He wants to tell that boy to just hang in there, help is coming. Help in the form of a tall, quirky boy who doesn’t want anything more than to stand by his side and keep him standing when things turn to shit.
Dan glances up at Phil, who is focusing again on the seat in front of him. Dan shuffles a little closer, leans his weight against Phil. Phil’s head turns and Dan feels lips press against his head. Dan knows he doesn’t have to say it for Phil to know, but he says it anyway.
“Thank you.”
It’s soft, almost silent. Phil hears it, though. Just like he’s heard every one of Dan’s hopes and needs for the past ten years.
“What for?” Phil asks. He shifts his hand to wrap around Dan’s back and gives his arm a gentle rub.
“Everything.”
He looks up to find Phil staring back at him. He wants to kiss Phil right now, more than anything. He won’t. He can convey all his feelings in this one look, and so can Phil.
“Well then,” Phil says, reaching his hand up to play with the hair at the nape of Dan’s neck, “Thank you for everything too.”
Dan settles a little more weight into Phil’s side and sighs, softly. It won’t be long before the speakers are announcing the next stop is Reading, and they’ll have to leave and find their next train to Wokingham.
It feels strange, to do this journey with Phil next to him. It’s been a long time since Phil’s been in the Howell household. It feels right, though, to do it this way. Phil deserves this moment. His mum deserves this moment.
She doesn’t meet them at Wokingham station. Dan had told her not to worry about it. He knew he’d need the last of this time to gather himself, to get a hold of any last anxious thoughts and process them.
The last ten minutes in the taxi are the worst. There’s a swirling feeling in Dan’s gut, even though he knows it’s going to be okay. He’s never brought a boyfriend home before. It’s scary. It reminds him how much of this recent time has been full of things he never thought he’d do. There’s a rush of pride, then, that he really took a hold of his own narrative, he really did what he needed to do to live his truth. And despite the nerves, despite the shaking and the sick feeling, he really knows this has changed everything.
When they walk in, Colin is the one to meet them at the door. Phil immediately drops to the floor to say a proper hello for the first time, and Dan pulls his phone out to film a quick video, grumbling something into his phone about “I can’t believe he’s not seen me for months, but he only cares about Phil”.
“Dan?” it’s his mother. He rests a hand on Phil’s shoulder and moves away into the house. He can feel Phil moving behind him.
His mum meets them in the kitchen. She stretches out her arms and gives her boy a big hug. It feels right in a way it hasn’t felt for a long time. When they pull away, Dan turns around.
“Mum, this is Phil,” he smiles softly. Phil moves forward, hands in his pockets. “My boyfriend.”
Karen’s arms are open again then, and she pulls Phil into a hug like he’s an old friend. He hugs her back, he doesn’t let go until she does. It warms Dan’s chest, how that really applies to everyone around him.
Phil’s not sure why he can’t sleep. Normally he’s out like a light, no matter where he is, but something about this house just isn’t letting him. He resolves to roll out of bed and head into the kitchen to find a glass of water. Not that he knows where anything is.
It’s too late for him to turn back when he sees Karen at the kitchen table with a steaming mug, Colin at her feet. She’s already seen him, and he offers her a gentle smile.
“Hi, Phil,” she says softly.
“Hi, Karen.” He’s seen Dan chastised enough times by his own mother to know that first name basis is always preferred.
“Can’t sleep either?”
“Nope,” Phil whispers. “Uh, do you think I could get some water?”
Karen helps him to the cupboard and he sits down at the table with her. They’re in silence for a good few minutes before Karen speaks up.
“I watched his video,” she says quietly. “I told him I wouldn’t, but I did.”
Phil looks up at her.
“He spent a long time working on it,” he says. “I was really proud of him.”
“It was quite… difficult to watch,” she’s quiet a second. “In some places.”
“It was,” Phil answers. “I thought I knew everything about him, and then I learnt something I hadn’t known. It was hard.”
Karen nods.
“I knew you two were close,” she tells him. “I never knew what you really were to him.” She takes a deep breath. “I don’t know how I could ever thank you for taking him in.”
A hand flies to her mouth in a sob, then, and Phil reaches across the table instinctively to take her other. He rubs a thumb over her knuckles, just like he does when Dan is upset. He lets her cry, gives her time. He can’t imagine what she’s going through, so he doesn’t say anything. When she gets her breath back, she gets up for a second to find some kitchen roll and dry her eyes. Then she’s back, taking Phil’s hand again.
“Thank you,” she whispers. “I couldn’t ever say it enough, but thank you.” The sincerity in her voice is almost painful, and Phil can feel himself pulling closer to tears. “Thank you for taking care of my boy when he needed you.”
“He’s everything to me,” Phil says quietly. “He’s taken care of me when I needed him, too.” He strokes a thumb over her hand again. “We needed each other, all this time.” He pauses for a second. “Do you believe in soulmates?” Karen shakes her head, smiling softly. Phil looks up at her, with all the sincerity in the world. “Karen, he’s my soulmate.”
“I know, Phil,” she replies.
“Can I tell you something?”
“Of course.”
“I’m going to ask him to marry me,” he says, quietly, as if saying it out loud gives it too much power.
Karen’s eyes are tearing up as they meet his.
“There’s no one in the world I’d rather he married,” she smiles, her eyes shining. “There’s no one else I’d rather welcome into my family.”