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Even the brightest star in the sky inevitably burns out, doesn’t it?
You had the thought idly one evening, sitting next to him while his hand held yours in a loose, warm grasp. His slim fingers shifted to gentle caress your own while he looked off into the horizon. The Crusaders were settling down for the night. There seemed to be no end in sight, and for a moment it was as if the Sun was attempting to blur the line between Earth and sky.
The way the rays seemed to glaze the world in an orange glow - like a kiss from the Sun itself before it disappeared in exchange for the cold hue of the Moon - made everything seem so surreal. It was nice, to take a quiet moment like this to yourselves. You caught the sight of the others a short distance away, off in their own little world engrossed in a discussion of some kind you weren’t paying attention to. Judging from the exasperated look on Polnareff’s face, it may have been at his own expense.
Kakyoin’s familiar voice brought you back to him, “We’re getting close.”
He didn’t need to elaborate for you to understand exactly what he was referring to. You glanced off to the side, at the sand beneath your feet, “...yeah.”
It was incredible, how one statement can fill a person with dread or apprehension. This was the home stretch. They were in Egypt now, which meant Cairo wasn’t far ahead of them. Everything this journey had been for, all the trials and tribulations… it was culminating into its peak. The climax in this book you were part of, settled near the end. You’d all been fortunate… lucky , even. No one had been lost.
Knowing the end lay just a bit further beyond that golden horizon spiked a deeply rooted anxiety within you. Life was no fairytale, at least not the kid-friendly variety. The opposition you’d faced on your journey here should’ve been proof enough of that. But fate had a way of yanking out the rug from beneath your feet right when you least expect it. There was so much that could go wrong.
With that thought, you directed your attention at your lover beside you. His face bathed in the glow from the setting Sun, you weren’t expecting him to appear so relaxed after his statement. His jaw seemed to lack all but the slightest bit of tension, his brow creaseless as you watched him blink slowly. It was like he was transfixed on something that you couldn’t see. The horizon wasn’t that interesting… something must be on his mind.
He looked so young to you all of a sudden, as if you’d completely forgotten he was only seventeen, just like you and Jotaro. You were all so young, and running off into danger, ready to fight some insidious evil you’d never even seen before… They make it seem so easy, in books. Maybe it was a lack of any personal consequence that made them fall somewhat flat in the realism department, but now that you were this close, the threat and reality of the situation finally starting to settle in…
The longer you gazed up at Kakyoin’s face, the more you felt yourself fall apart. It made you want to cry, just at the very thought. What would happen if he was lost, in the end? And not just him, but any of them? You’d all grown so close, the past month and a half… the camaraderie was enough to fuel your sense of longing… of what you’d previously dismissed negatively as ‘clinginess’. Could you be faulted for not wanting anyone to die? Childish or unrealistic as the notion was, it was hard to believe some people wanted that… wanted to hurt people.
You hadn’t noticed you’d tightened your grip on Kakyoin’s hand until he returned the gesture, prompting you to take notice that his eyes were now focused on you, and not the horizon.
“...are you alright?” The tenderness in those eyes was enough to make you feel as though your stomach was being twisted into a knot. He was concerned - Kakyoin was always first and foremost, beyond anything else: sincere.
He really cared.
He was earnest in his worry.
He’d genuinely , willingly came on this journey to right a wrong.
And it was possible that maybe... just maybe, fate would decree that he’d honestly die.
A beautiful, kind soul that was still so young. In a way, maybe life was like a fairytale in its cruelty.
You shook the thought from your mind as you quickly realized you hadn’t responded to him yet. Blinking back the tears that were welling up at your horrendously pessimistic train of thought, you mustered up a smile that didn’t quite reach your eyes, “Yeah. I’m fine.”
Something you were once told, was that feeling this emotional about something meant you were truly thinking or speaking from your heart. But if that were the case, why did it feel like it was breaking? You couldn’t bring yourself to mention it to him… the last thing you wanted to do was give him more to worry about on top of everything else.
Those soft, compassionate eyes, however, had a way of seeing straight through you and something as pitiful as the half-baked lie you’d barely managed to get out, “You’re not . ...I’m not feeling so fine, myself.” He shifted slightly to rest his weight on his free hand, slightly turning more towards you, “I didn’t want to say anything in case I worried you.”
The parallels in your thoughts compared to what he just said made you momentarily wonder if you’d been musing aloud this whole time, and simply hadn’t noticed.
He sighed, looking down at your entwined hands with a feeling of melancholy making its way to his expression, “I just… want you to know that you can talk to me, alright? You’ve been quiet for a while. I’m not entirely sure about you, but I know I’m feeling a bit uneasy, being this close to Cairo now.” He exhaled in a way that almost sounded dismissive, “I’m not afraid . Not for myself. Being this close to him just… fills me with that dread again.”
He paused a moment before shrugging, “If anything, it makes me angry.”
Kakyoin was never all that open about his own feelings, exactly. He was very much familiar with shutting them away and keeping to himself - after all, he’d done it his whole life leading up to that fateful meeting in Egypt those few months ago. But now it was different. He had friends that understood him - friends that he wanted to protect from an evil he’d personally stood in front of. He’d humiliated himself for giving in to it like he had, but he could still redeem himself. These people he’d found himself traveling with had given him a second chance, and that second chance had led to so much more than he’d ever believed he’d have - or deserve - in his life.
Holding the hand of one who had let him in despite his faults and past mistakes, was something that still felt… like a dream. Surreal. Though he had much more sense than this, a small part of him wondered if this was all some elaborate hoax he’d concocted himself. He didn’t deserve this… but fate had deemed it so. Even if at the end of all this, it was written in stone that it wouldn’t continue, he could never say it wasn’t worth it. The joy that came with having a moment to be by the side of his lover was more than he could ever ask for.
That was good enough for him.
You seemed to catch the myriad of thoughts crossing his mind, the metaphorical gears turning in his head, though you had no idea what they were. He’d just gazed at you with such intensity and longing… You found yourself embracing him without even needing to think about it. His warmth was so much different than the scorching heat of the desert from earlier that day. This was comforting, like bundling yourself up in blankets on a cold winter’s day. It gave you that same fuzzy feeling in your chest. Kakyoin, as a whole, was a remarkably serene man, and it seemed that composure was wearing off as he gladly returned your gesture, his touch tender and kind.
Even if stars burn out, you still get to see them and enjoy them for a time afterwards. Light travels fast, but it’s not instant. There’s nothing wrong with finding solace in those moments - no matter how ephemeral they may be - before it ends.
It wouldn’t stop you from fighting harder to try and prolong them.
Time marches on.
There’s no stopping fate, but you can sure as hell challenge it.