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Louis loved being home. Honestly. Whenever Harry was out of town, his house in London was too quiet.
His mom's house was never quiet. It was similar to an untamed zoo and Louis would never get sick of the constant fight for the bathroom between his sisters.
"You know Ernest, one day, this will all be yours. Now that I have another man in the house to hold the cool brother title, I'll have to will this organized chaos to you. Are you okay with that?" Louis asked the infant currently staring at him like he had two heads.
"Yea...I know. Sounds insane, but you'll get used to it." Louis laughed as he picked up Ernest's infant sized football and trying to get him to play a child version of kick the ball when one participant didn't really know what his feet were yet. Harry was insistent that they encouraged Ernest to play both versions of "football", but Louis only did that when Harry was around.
Relationships were about compromise after all. And Louis was great at compromising.
"Hey love, need me to take him?" His mom asked rounding the corner with a sleeping Doris resting on her shoulder.
"Nah, we're bonding over the woes of being a brother in a house full of girls. I'm giving him some pointers."
"And teaching him proper football? What was the deal you made with Harry? 50/50 American and British?"
"Harold isn't here and since this little dude can't talk, what he doesn't know won't hurt him. Serves him right for being in LA."
"Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't it your fault that he's there and you're here? Because of your game?"
"Yea, yea, yea, technicalities. You're my mother. You're supposed to be on my side!" Louis said with mocked hurt causing a laugh from Ernest. "Hey, you too! What happened to our brotherly bond? You already like Harry more don't you?"
"How is Harry?"
"Mom, you talked to him last night."
"I know how he sounded, but how is he?" Jay asked again giving Louis a knowing glance. She was a mom afterall.
"He's okay. Tours are always hard for him. He loves performing but he just feels the pressure from every angle and it never lets up ya know? He can't just let things be - everything bothers him, every fan that doesn't get an autograph he feels guilty about and every concert he finds something to beat himself up over."
"Lou, you know..."
"I know, I know, it's apart of his depression. I know. It doesn't make it any easier to see him crying himself to sleep." Louis whispered adjusting Ernest so that he could fall asleep fully.
"The new meds? Are they helping?" Did he mention his mom was a nurse as well?
"Yea, the sleeping pills he refuses to take but the anti-depressants are helping. Helping him rationalize when he's taking it too far but they make him feel disconnected - out of it. He doesn't like not feeling present."
"Hm, just remember that if he's not sleeping to give him a pill. The anti-depressants are useless if he's not sleeping."
"Mom. He's not your patient."
"I know, but he is my future son in law and I want him to be happy." She said smiling.
Louis just smiled and leaned over to kiss her on the cheek. They really were lucky to have their families. None of this would be happening without their support and, at times, tough love.
"MOM!!!!" Louis heard some sibling yell.
"Mom's not here!" Jay yelled back.
"MOM! Can I go to the shops with my friends? And can you make Lottie drive us?"
"That's not really how it works..." Lou said laughing.
"Hey Lou...?" Lottie said coming into the room looking at her phone.
"No, I won't drive them. I can't go to shops. Nope. Can't."
"No, not that. Did you know Harry's back in London?"
"What?"
"Yea, I just got on Twitter. Apparently he landed about 20 min ago. No stopping. Fans were getting mad but his driver said he was here for personal reasons...what's going on?"
"I don't..." Louis started searching the living room for his cell phone before he remembered he'd left it upstairs.
"Love, what do you need?" Jay asked sensing Louis' panic.
"Can, here hold Ernest, I'll be back." Louis rushed out before running up the stairs. His phone had been off most of the morning, mainly because he was assuming Harry was still, hopefully, sleeping in LA. Once he got to his room and turned on his phone a flood of calls, texts and emails chimed at him. He had no texts from Harry. All missed calls with no messages. He had missed calls from the boys, from Paul, from Cal...what is going on?
He quickly dialed Harry's number and paced waiting for him to pick up, when his answering machine answered instead Louis was about 2 seconds away from throwing his phone against the wall in frustration. He kept trying but to not avail before he noticed Liam ringing him.
"Mate? What's going on?!" He asked in a rush.
"I don't know...I was hoping you knew. Twitter's going crazy. He left a note that just said he was going to London and he'd be back on Saturday. What is he doing there for a day?"
"I don't know. I can't get a hold of him!" Louis said frustrated.
"Lou? What's going on?" His mom asked closing his bedroom door until she knew what was going on and if the girls needed to know.
"I don't know mom. Nobody knows anything." He responded voice clearly panicking.
"Should I call Anne? Maybe something happened...?" She said pulling out her phone.
"Omg, Lou what if...what if it's something really bad? He wouldn't just...." Liam said texting Niall and Zayn to let them know there was no new news. Or any news for that matter.
"He would. He would. Something could happen and he'd just...he'd handle it alone. You know him."
"I know. I know."
"Hi Anne, it's Jay..."Louis heard his mom saying quietly. Clearly trying to find Harry the quickest way she knew how.
"Li, omg, Gem's calling, let me call you back."
"Gem, where is he?" Louis asked without saying hello. Nearing the pull out his hair phase if someone didn't tell him something.
"Calm down Lou. He's fine. He's a - look, we're in Manchester. Nanny S passed." Gem said quietly.
"Oh no, I'm so sorry Gemma." Louis said quietly sitting down on his bed relieved that Harry nor anyone was hurt in anyway but sad that Nanny S had passed.
"It's, ya know. We knew it would happen soon. Still feels strange. Dad didn't want Harry to fly out here for the funeral but you know Harry. He wouldn't let Dad deal with this alone."
"When's the funeral?"
"Tomorrow - Harry's insisting that it's fine but he's. Can you come Lou? I'm worried about him. He's running on autopilot."
"Yea, yea, I can come Gem. I was already planning on it. Why didn't he call or at least tell the boys?"
"You know why Lou. He hates feeling like a burden."
"Best worst quality." Louis said gently throwing a few change of clothes in an overnight bag and silently thanking his mom as she walked into his bathroom for toiletries. "I'll be there in a few hours."
"Thank you Lou. I know you have your game this weekend."
"Nothing is more important than Harry."
"He won't let you miss it..."
"I know...it's not important right now. I'll be there soon though okay?"
"Thanks Lou."
"Love?" Louis mother said quietly when he stood in one place for a few beats too long. "He needs you." Louis looked up, took a deep breath, kissed his mom and ran out the door. His mother was right. Harry needed him.
The usual 2 hour drive seemed to last forever. He was about 20 min away when his phone rang. It was Niall. He'd sent the group a text letting them know what was going on and that he'd update them shortly. Of course, that resulted in a call from each of them so Niall was logically the last one who couldn't not call.
"Hey mate."
"Hey Lou. You with H yet?"
"Not yet, almost," He sighed at another red light, "I swear red lights only exist when you need to be somewhere."
"Yea. He's still not answering his phone. Tried to ring him."
"I know. I know. He's doing what he does."
"Shutting out. Dealing alone. Don't let him."
"I won't."
"Alright, drive safe mate, group huddle once you're there, settled? Just for an update. We'll be on standby."
"Will do. I'll send you guys a text."
Louis hung up and thanked the powers that be that he was finally pulling up into Harry's dad's driveway. Harry's Range Rover that Gemma borrowed from time to time as well as Anne's was sitting in the drive and sighed. Finally.
He jumped out of the car and grabbed his bag hearing the front door open and Gemma standing in the threshold smiling.
"Hey Lou." She said grabbing him in a hug.
"Hey Gem. Sorry it took so long. Anne, Robin, hi." He said noticing them sitting in the living room. Sometimes, the fact that Des and Anne had managed to stay so connected confused Louis. When his dad left, he left. He had nothing to do with the kids or his mom anymore. Des and Anne had managed to figure out how to co-parent. Anne told him once that they didn't have a choice. Harry took the divorce so hard and the constant fatigue of him feeling like he had to chose was too much. Anne vaguely talked about the counseling Harry went through as a child. His inability to not feel everything so deeply that no matter what it bothered him even if everyone around him had long forgotten. It made him so amazing but it also made him so easily defeated in a world full of people who didn't care about others. Because of this, Harry's parents had to figure it out. With the success of the band, Harry having to pick and chose his few days off wasn't fair. They had to get along.
So they did.
"Des," He said quietly as he came around the corner with drinks, "I'm so sorry." Louis said walking up and getting pulled into a hug.
"I'm so happy you're here. You're the only one who can make him..." Des whispered, fading off thanking the stars that his son had found someone to take care of him for once so he could stop being everything for everyone.
"I know. What am I walking into? Has he been sleeping? Eating?" Louis asked the room.
"Sleeping no. We got the call, he made all the arrangements, figured out funeral stuff, got on a plane, did some work and then we got here. He's been in his room for about an hour, but I doubt he's asleep. He wouldn't eat earlier, said he had a headache."
"Okay." Louis said moving towards the stairs.
"Lou, let us know if you need anything."
"In about an hour can you bring up some warm tea and a few biscuits? I'm going to try to get him to talk to me a bit but that'll help him get to sleep."
"Of course."
Louis hoped that was enough. If not, he had a plan B, one that Harry would hate but Louis would go to if needed.
As he walked up the stairs, he couldn't ignore the photos lining the walls and smiled as he saw Harry's childhood pass before him. He paused outside of his door to take a deep breath. The room was dark and silent. As he moved closer to the bed he quietly removed his shoes, jacket and trackies.
"Harry?" He said quietly sliding in the bed and pulling Harry close. Harry was balled up, still in his jeans, beanie on his head and shivering. "Baby?"
"Lou?" He said quietly. Voice chocking a bit.
"Yea, hey baby, I'm right here. You're okay."
"Lou? When did..."
"Lottie saw it on Twitter. Why didn't you leave me a voicemail or text?"
"You, you were with your family." He whispered, still not looking Louis in the eye but down at the comforter he had wrapped himself in.
"Can I come in there?" Louis asked gently. "I'm a bit cold."
"Yea, I'm sorry. Sorry. Geez. I didn't..."
"Hey, hey, it's fine," Louis said laughing as Harry struggled out of his blanket to share with Louis,"Don't hurt yourself babe." Harry was the clumsiest person Louis had ever met. It never failed that he'd hurt himself doing something routine like getting out of bed.
"I'm being rude. You drove all this way. Are you hungry? Did you get something to drink..."
"Haz, stop. I'm fine babe, please lay back down. I'm fine." Louis said pulling Harry to his chest. He knew this song and dance, Harry was good at pushing the attention on to other people to ignore his own pain. It was what he did. Harry looked all but satisfied but was too tired to fight.
The two laid quietly, just their breathing being the only sound they heard. Louis rubbed Harry's back, allowing his fingers to massage his scalp waiting for Harry to indicate what came next.
"You didn't have to come, I know you have a lot to do with the game on Sunday." Harry mumbled into Louis' neck.
"Haz, nothing is more important than being right here."
"But..."
"Stop. I'm here. I'm staying."
They laid there again for a few minuets, Louis sensing that Harry was trying to figure out what to say.
"I thought I had more time," He whispered,"they said she had more time and she was doing better and then. I thought." He chocked on his words tears starting to fall from his eyes.
"I know Haz. I know."
"I would have been here more, I should have been here more. She, I never got to say goodbye." Louis had no words, the reality of their job is that they did miss people. They missed the time to say goodbye to the people they loved. They missed a lot of things and it never got easier. Harry continued to quietly cry, holding back. Not wanting his family to hear.
"Harry, it's okay. You can cry babe. You can cry."
"My dad, he needs me to be strong for him."
"Look at me Harry," Louis said firmly forcing Harry's eyes to meet his for the first time. He had to hold back his own tears at the depth of pain in those eyes. Harry felt everything so intensely, "Your dad only needs you here. You don't have to be strong for anyone. You need to cry and say goodbye just like the rest of us so please, please don't try to be a hero right now. Let us take care of you. Your Nan was one of your best friends and you need to grieve, not be stoic. It's okay to cry." Louis knew that he was being blunt. Harsh even but Harry needed to hear him.
"Lou, it hurts." Harry whispered before a sob broke out of his chest and his breathing picked up.
"I know baby, I know," Louis said cradling him back to his chest and running his hands through his hair, "I'm here, let it out."
Harry cried harder than Louis had heard him cry in a while. Louis let him, making sure he knew that he was there for him and not rushing him.
"Shh, babe shh, breath a little for me." He murmured after a while, trying to make sure Harry didn't fall into as asthma attack filling around in his nightstand for the inhaler he knew was there.
He felt Harry trying to gain control of his breathing but having difficulty. "Babe, here, take a few puffs okay. Just to help you out." Harry tried taking the inhaler but his hands were shaking so badly that he couldn't steady it enough, "Okay, let me. Take a deep breath," Louis instructed, "Good. One more." Louis eased Harry on the pillows after that ensuring he was propped up so his airway was open and continued running his fingers through his hair.
"So-sorry." Harry hiccuped as the tears kept flowing.
"No apologizes." Louis heard a knock on the door. "I'll be right back okay love?"
"I don't want them to come in."
"Okay, they won't. I'm just going to let them know you're okay."
"Kay."
"Hey Gem." He murmured when he opened the door and saw her standing with tea and biscuits.
"As you requested." She said smiling.
"Thank you."
"Is he okay?"
"Getting there. I'm gonna get him to sleep. He's exhausted but fighting it."
"He'll hate you."
"He will, but this situation is why we have them."
"Alright. If I don't see you again tonight, tomorrow's stuff starts at 9. Service is at 12. Harry's flight is at 7."
"Flight?"
"He probably hasn't even said anything. Management called earlier. I overheard them. They want him back in LA tomorrow."
"What the hell?!"
"I don't. He didn't even fight it. Think he was too tired. Just said okay."
"Okay, okay. Once I get him to sleep we'll figure...he can't go back by himself. Liam...no."
"Mum and I could go with him. You'll be busy with your game and he won't want to interrupt that. LA is good for him if he can't be with you. You know that."
"I...yea. This stupid game. I should just bow out to be here."
"No. No Lou. Absolutely not. He'll be crushed."
"I know. I. Okay, are you sure you guys can go?"
"Yea, you know mum isn't really working and I have time. It's fine Lou. You'll be there soon enough for Rose Bowl."
"Alright. I should get back."
"Okay, and Lou?"
"Yea?"
"He's really lucky to have you. Thank you for taking care of him."
"Always."
Louis closed the door and sighed. Management always had a way of making a shitty situation shittier. Skill that was hard to come by and even harder to maintain. He sighed as he opened up Harry's sleeping pills and crushed one up into his tea. He knew that drugging your significant other in some situations is a crime, but Harry wouldn't sleep. He needed to sleep. This is why they have them. For situations like this.
As he walked through Harry's sitting room (which was just his old bedroom before his dad remodeled) he noted the time and figured that Harry could get a good 12 hours before tomorrow's events.
"Babe," He said getting back to the bed and noting that Harry had rolled back over into a fetal position but that his breathing was a bit better,"love, I have your tea. Can you drink this and eat something for me?
"I'm not hungry." Harry whispered sitting up. The tears had stopped but not for long.
"Just a few bites?"
"I don't. Can I just drink the tea?" He asked meekly.
"Sure babe. That's fine. But you're eating breakfast tomorrow okay?"
"Kay. Lou, did you put a sleeping pill in here?"
"Haz, I don't really want to fight you on this. You need it and they're..."
"Thank you." Harry whispered cutting him off.
"What?"
"I, I wouldn't have taken one but I do. I need one today." He whispered, eyes already dropping. It always amazed Louis how hard medication hit Harry. That's why they always had to be careful.
Louis kissed Harry's forehead and pulled him against his side as he finished his tea.
"Gem said that management wants you back tomorrow. You should have told me, I could..."
"It's okay. You have your game and Niall has his party and Zayn is gone. I just. It's okay."
"Harry, you know that all of the boys would come here in a heartbeat."
"They don't need - I don't want them to stop their lives for me."
"You'd do it for them."
"I, yea but they are my life." He whispered, slowly loosing the battle with sleep.
"You are too good for this world Harry Edward. Too good." Louis whispered back watching Harry's eyes blinked closed for the last time finally indicating that he was sleeping. Louis laid there for another 15 min just to make sure he was out of it enough before sliding out from the bed, heading to Harry's sitting room and turning on the computer. He sent the boys a quick text and not even 5 min later did he see them all signing onto Skype.
Louis started a group call, invited them all and had to smile with how quickly they all accepted.
"Hey mate."
"How's Harry?"
"Can we talk to him?" They all asked at the same time making Louis smile.
Harry might not ever admit it, but he needed all of them and he had them.
For better or worse.