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His father makes it through surgery.
And yet…
Malcolm can’t breathe. The ragged air that he’s dragging in isn’t reaching his lungs. Or at least that what his brain is telling him over and over until he’s frantic. The pounding of his heart is like thunder in his ears, drowning out the world around him.
“Bright? Bright? Hey, c’mon, I’m here. Listen to my voice.”
Is that Dani’s voice hears? It’s hard to tell, it sounds muffled, like he’s underwater, failing to break the surface. Malcolm tries to use his other senses, trying to break through the panic attack with logic.
He’s not drowning. He’s not.
His eyes are useless as he tries to focus on her face, his vision swimming. He tries to gasp her name, but it’s lost down his throat.
Then he feels her hands on his face. Warm palms against his cheeks. Steady, strong hands that give him something to cling to.
“That’s it. Hey.” Her voice is gentle but clearer, “I’m here. I’m here.”
Malcolm inhales, still as ragged but this time he can feel it and it floods his system with relief. Her thumbs trail along his cheekbones and he focuses on them while she quietly praises him in that soothing tone. Her face slowly comes into focus, dark eyes somber.
“Dani.” He exhales.
She exhales too, her shoulders visibly relaxing from their tight inward pull. “Hey, Bright.” She replies, “About time you joined me.”
He laughs weakly, trying to come up with a witty come back but it dies on his tongue as he remembers where she was last. At the precinct with his mother.
“My mom? Is she okay?” He asks.
“Physically, yes. Mentally…” Dani shakes her head, “She’s been through hell. She gave us her statement and with your father recovering and no charges being filed, she was free to go. Gil took her home. Told me to try to get through to you since you wouldn’t talk to him.”
Malcolm squeezes his eyes shut at the image of Gil’s concerned, serious expression before he turned on his heel and walked away to answer his phone leaving Malcolm alone. He had said good bye then returned to the station with obvious reluctance. And without Gil’s presence, Malcolm couldn’t keep his panic at bay, it unleashed like a heavy torrent.
So, Gil knows he’s not okay. Probably knows his mom is lying. Does Dani suspect the same? Malcolm studies her but her expression is only one of concern. Just like Gil.
It’s unbearable.
“I need fresh air.” Malcolm scans for the quickest exit and an arrow points the way to the roof. He’ll take it.
He’s already moving when Dani calls after him. “Bright, it’s still raining!”
He doesn’t care. He flings the door open to the stairwell and climbs, bounding two step at a time until he reaches the access door and wrenches it open. Dani was right about the rain, it’s coming down in heavy sheets. He’s drenched the moment he steps out of the protection of the stairwell. It’s cold and shocks him down to his bones.
The door opens and Dani emerges, closing the distance between them.
“You shouldn’t have followed me.” He tells her, “Go back inside!”
“Are you kidding me?” She demands, “Bright, I’m worried about you.”
“I’m fine.” He lies instantly; their friendship is still new. He’s not about to unload onto her what really happened. He can barely think about it without the panic taking over.
“Bullshit.” She replies, “Talk to me! Tell me what happened!”
“I can’t!” The muscles in his right hand begin to tremble and he squeezes his hand into a fist.
Dani moves, invading his space. “It wasn’t your mom who stabbed him. It was you, wasn’t it?” There’s no accusation in her voice, just simple fact.
Malcolm’s throat tightens in response and he swallows hard. He clenches his jaw until his teeth ache. His brain plays the scene back. The tool in his hand, sharp tip pressed against his father’s rib cage.
“Bright…” Dani’s voice wavers, “I’m losing you again.”
He can’t acknowledge her. He can feel the phantom weight of the tool as if it’s still in his palm. Heavier than he would have thought.
It just took a second.
Barely any pressure.
His father’s screams echo in his ears.
His mother’s horrified cry.
The sound of alarms.
His father on the floor.
The blood that spread across the brisk whiteness of the asylum uniform.
All of that came a distant second to the worst part of it all.
He stabbed his father in the heart and felt nothing. Absolutely nothing. No fear. No remorse. No peace.
He was his father’s son. Just like everyone always thought.
He was a monster.
Tears blur his vision and he looks up at Dani, forcing himself to meet her gaze. “Yes.” He whispers as the warm tears fall, mixing with the cold rain.
Then Dani surprises him. Instead of condemning him, verbalizing the ugly words that swirl around his turbulent thoughts, she threw her arms around his neck and pulls him in to a hug.
Part of him wants to fight the embrace. Push her away. He doesn’t deserve sympathy, especially hers. But the other part of him? It needs that comfort more than any kind of hunger he’s ever known. Malcolm gives in, captures her waist and clings to her as a sob escapes his throat. The dam has broken and he can’t stop the flood of emotions and words that pour out.
“I’m a monster, Dani.” He admits against her neck, “We all knew what had to be done and I did it. My father even gave me his blessing. I felt nothing!” Malcolm lifts his face and sniffles, “I fulfilled his prophecy. Became his prodigal son.”
“But you didn’t.” Dani drops her hands to his shoulders and squeezes hard enough that it keeps him from sliding further into the dark path his mind has wound, “Don’t you get that? You father wouldn’t have done that. Sure, you father healed the people on his table. But only them. Otherwise? He didn’t care. You care , Bright. You may not feel nothing now but it’s obvious you’re in shock. Once that wears off? You’ll feel it and it’s going to suck but I’m here for you.”
“What if I don’t?” Malcolm whispers, purging his deepest fear, “He was going to kill me on that camping trip. He stopped himself. But he was ready to.”
Dani was quiet for a moment. “Martin Whitly deserved to get stabbed. Deserves to die. I know if I had been in your position, I wouldn’t have hesitated to eliminate him.”
“Because you’re trained to take out threats?”
“Sure.” She says after pregnant pause, the corner of her lips curve into a wry smile.
Much to his surprise, he feels a smile tug at his lips.
She envelopes him in another hug. “Let’s get you home and dried off.”
He nods slowly. His clothes cling to him uncomfortably and he can no longer ignore the cold. Malcolm nods and lets Dani lead him back inside.