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The smell of roasted pork that still lingered in the kitchen even hours after dinner almost made Lew vomit. He quickly tore a window open to let the cool night air in, willing down the bile he already tasted in his mouth.
The storm pushed inside, bringing rain and dried leafs with it, and Lew started shivering immediately. He only wore his skivvies and a t-shirt and both were soaked with cold sweat. His heart was still racing, his whole body shaking, and he had to concentrate to breathe slowly in order to keep from hyperventilating.
Fuck, how much he craved a drink right now. Just this once, after weeks, a month, of abstinence that were the hell on earth for him. God, only one whisky, only one sip, only one glass to calm his nerves.
But the cabinet was empty, and deep down Lew was thankful for it. This way, at least he wouldn’t be tempted to give in to his addiction. Lew knew it would be a tremendously dumb idea to start his bad habit again, so opened the cupboard to fetch a tumbler and went over to the sink.
He opened the tap, turned the temperature to cold and waited a few seconds before filling the glass. The cool water slightly soothed him, but he missed the feeling of a good whisky burning its way down his throat and the warm sensation it left in his stomach.
At least, the bad taste on his tongue faded a bit, and Lew filled the glass again. He drank in small, deliberate sips, a bit afraid that he’d throw up if he swallowed it down too quickly.
It started to become unpleasantly cold in the kitchen, and Lew shivered even more as the sweat started to dry on his skin, his clothes feeling damp and uncomfortable. He didn’t close the window, though, because he finally had the feeling of being able to breathe again.
Lew leaned against the sill, staring out into the moonless darkness and listened to the trees hissing in the wind. The cold of this winter was still lingering, and while everyone waited for the spring to finally come, the weather wanted to show its rougher side again.
Before they’d gone to bed, Dick had made sure that everything was secured, and all loose objects were inside. They had even carried the two big rocking chairs from the porch into the hallway, just to be sure.
Lew enjoyed living here in the countryside with Dick much more than he’d ever imagined he would. It was a welcome change to their previous lives in the city and their work at Lew’s dad's company. Also, having Dick just for himself with nobody to bother them within a radius of five miles was a bonus Lew had gotten used to very quickly. It was so pleasant to just kiss Dick in the garden or on the porch without having to worry about being seen accidentally.
His hands were still shaking like leaves, but Lew couldn’t say if it was due to the aftermath of his panic attack or whether he was just freezing. He sighed, put the glass on the countertop and ran his hand through his hair.
A few minutes ago, he had woken up, gasping for air, disoriented and panic-fuelled. The nightmare had still been so present, so real, that Lew’d had problems realising he lay in bed beside Dick, safe and sound. His dream had taken him back to Bastogne, to the cold, unforgiving landscape where he was surrounded by splintered trees and the sound of mortar shells going off.
In his dream, it was one of the nights the Germans didn’t seem to stop their attacks, and the darkness was lit by explosives. Lew was running, panting, not knowing where to go while the trees around him splintered. Dick, he had to find Dick, Lew reminded himself while he stumbled through the snow, fell, got up again and tried to move forward.
A shell landed right in front of him, the earth blew up, and Lew tripped, falling onto the cold ground, but he struggled to his feet again. He needed to find Dick, needed to know whether he was okay. Please let him be alright, he thought to himself as he moved forward again, gasping for air and already feeling exhausted, but there was nothing but darkness and flashing lights and trees and snow.
When he finally spotted the familiar red hair, he already knew something was off. Dick wasn't wearing his helmet, and the position he was in seemed strange. Lew hurried to get to him, screaming his name, but there was no sound coming out of his mouth. He finally reached Dick and fell to his knees, his heart racing, his lungs burning.
Dick’s face was paler than usual, his eyes wide open but dull, no life visible in them. His chest wasn’t moving and in his stomach was a deep wound, wet and red with blood. Lew lifted Dick’s head, talking to him, petting his cheek, but it was of no use. Dick was dead.
Lew started to scream.
That’s when he’d finally woken up, and it had taken him minutes before he slowly realised it had only been a dream. He'd been soaked in his own sweat, and his heart had been pounding too hard and too fast, making him feel nauseous. Lew could never stay in bed after a nightmare anyway, he always needed to walk around to adjust to reality again, so he had gotten up to get himself a glass of water down in the kitchen. Carefully, so he wouldn’t wake Dick up, he’d sneaked out of the bedroom and down the stairs.
And here he was, knowing he wouldn’t get a wink of sleep for the rest of the night while he was freezing in the cold air and the icy rain. He lost track of time as he stood there, staring out into the night.
There were gentle footsteps on the stairs, and Lew looked up, seeing Dick walking towards him, his eyes still sleepy, but his brows were furrowed in worry. He had thrown on a bathrobe, but his feet were still bare under the long pajama pants he wore, and his short red hair was tousled.
“Lew, what are you doing here? Are you okay?” Dick asked, but Lew could only look at him, unable to say anything. God, how glad he was that Dick was alive and safe and well.
“Lew?” Dick repeated as he approached him and reached out for him, touching his arm. “God, Lew, you’re ice cold.”
Dick pushed past him to close the window, and the wind immediately stopped howling into the room, shutting the storm and the rain out. The silence that now lingered in the kitchen was only interrupted by the quiet ticking of the pendulum clock that hung in the living room next door.
Lew didn’t know what to say or do, everything felt out of its place, like he was still in a dream and couldn’t seem to move forward. He just stared at Dick, his mind empty, his breath hitched, and he felt so far away from reality that he wondered whether he had to wake up a second time to get rid of this tight feeling on his chest.
“Lew, breathe,” Dick said softly as he stepped closer and pulled him into a hug, but his words seemed to come from far away. Lew’s whole body was tense, his muscles strained, and his jaw was clenched so firmly that he ground his teeth.
Dick shrugged out of his bathrobe and covered Lew with it, before closing his arms around him again, swaying his body carefully like a child. The circles Dick’s hand drew onto Lew’s back calmed him immensely, and he was finally able to take a deep breath again. It was so good to have Dick close, to feel his body against his own, to realise he was still alive.
“Come on, Lew. Let’s move to the living room. I don’t want us to freeze to death,” Dick whispered into his ear, and Lew nodded, his head moving against the soft fabric of the pajama top.
Lew followed Dick into the living room and pulled his bathrobe closer around his body. He slowly started to realise how cold his skin had become while he'd been standing in front of the open window, and he shivered.
In the living room, Lew buried his toes in the long fibres of the carpet, enjoying the soft feeling under his feet. The fireplace was still a bit warm, and Dick just threw another log into the embers, hoping it would start burning again.
“Did you have a nightmare?” Dick asked as he came back to him and guided him to one of the comfortable armchairs. Lew sat down, and Dick kneeled in front of him, taking his hands in his own and rubbing them between his palms to warm them up. Dick’s eyes were full of compassionate affection, searching for an answer in Lew’s face.
“Yeah,” Lew croaked, avoiding Dick’s gaze. He knew what Dick was about to say now, and he knew he was right, but still. Sometimes, he couldn’t stop asking himself what he was if not a burden to Dick?
“You know you can wake me whenever you have a bad dream?” Dick asked, but it sounded more like a statement than a question. He didn’t stop massaging Lew’s hands and comforted him this way, trying to not pressure him into an answer.
Lew sighed deeply. He knew it shouldn’t be a problem for him to wake Dick, to ask for a little solace when he needed it, but sometimes it was just so hard. Dick had gone through so many struggles with him, supported him when he felt miserable, accepted his mercurial moods and helped him to overcome his alcohol addiction. What else could he take from Dick when he felt like he was not giving anything back? What else could he ask for if he was nothing but a strain? What else could he demand from Dick if he himself had nothing to offer?
“What else shall I take from you, Dick? You give me everything, you’d walk through hell for me, you have the kindest soul and the bravest heart. Why do you keep giving while I am only taking from you?” Lew whispered, his voice on the verge of breaking.
Fuck.
Lew didn’t want to sound weak, whining, even. He wanted to keep the facade he had built over the last years, but Dick could always just look right past it. So why the effort?
Dick squeezed his hands, asking Lew to look him in the eyes. They were big and blue and full of sympathy.
“Lew. Oh Lew ,” Dick said softly, raising one hand to caress Lew’s cheek. “My darling. You still don’t know how amazing you are, how dear you are to me, do you?”
Lew looked away, not knowing how to deal with these compliments. He had never been good in taking them, but right now they felt like a fucking fraud - not because he thought Dick was lying to him, but because Lew thought he didn’t deserve them at all.
“Lew, you’re one of the kindest and most generous men I’ve ever met. Your wit always cheers me up and laughing together with you will forever be the highlight of my days. You are so handsome with your dark hair and dark eyes, your beautiful face and this gorgeous body of yours,” Dick continued earnestly, never taking his gaze off of Lew’s face. “You are clever and highly intelligent. Talking to you is so easy, and I share your beliefs in almost everything. If I ask for something, you’re always there, you never hesitate. You always help those in need, and you are utterly dependable and totally fearless. How, I ask you my darling, could I not give everything I have to a man like this? How could I not love a man like this wholeheartedly and unconditionally?”
Lew didn’t know what to say, but his throat felt dry and his chest tightened. He didn’t deserve this. He just didn’t.
“Wait a second, okay?” Dick asked him and got up. “I’ll be right back.”
Lew nodded as Dick went over to the record player and searched the small shelf it stood upon. When he found the vinyl he had been looking for, he put the record on and lowered the needle.
The familiar sizzling noise was audible before the music started to play and soft guitar chords filled the room. Lew immediately recognised the song and he looked up, seeing Dick standing in front of him, holding out a hand.
“May I have this dance?” he asked, smiling affectionately at him.
Lew couldn’t help himself. He smiled back. How Dick always knew how to get his mind off of the negative thoughts and the self-loathing was beyond him. But right now, he shouldn’t question it any further. There was still so much time for it.
He took Dick’s hand, let himself be pulled up and took a deep breath.
“Of course you may.”
Dick wasted no time and pulled Lew close, just as Elvis Presley sang the first lines. Lew rested his head against Dick’s shoulder and closed his eyes, enjoying the intimacy of the moment. They moved slowly to the music, Dick’s hand resting on the small of Lew’s back, his lips close to his ear.
“Love me tender, love me sweet, never let me go. You have made my life complete and I love you so,” Dick sang along softly, his voice low but so thick with emotion it sent a shiver down Lew’s spine.
The song went on, Elvis’ voice tender and endearing, while Lew and Dick swayed together to the slow rhythm. Dick’s hand rubbed small circles onto Lew’s back, caressing him in the sweetest way possible.
“Love me tender, love me dear, tell me you are mine. I'll be yours through all the years, till the end of time,” Dick continued to sing along and kissed Lew’s cheek afterwards, pressing his lips against the stubble on his jaw.
“I love you, Lew,” Dick murmured, “You’re the love of my life. You could never bother me or annoy me or be a burden to me. I wouldn’t know what to do without you.”
Lew sighed. “I love you, too, Dick,” he said. “I love you, too. And I am so scared of losing you because I-”
Dick hushed him by kissing him, carefully first but insistently, giving Lew no chance to keep worrying. Lew responded in an instant, not being able to resist Dick’s sweet lips and his demanding tongue. They kept moving their bodies to the music, kissing each other deeply, and Lew could forget about his sorrows and self-doubts just for a bit.
“You’re not getting rid of me so easily, darling,” Dick whispered as they broke the kiss to gasp for air. “Promise me to wake me up whenever you can’t sleep, for whatever reason. I’ll always be there for you.”
“I know.”
“You promise me?”
“I do,” Lew answered, putting his hand onto Dick’s neck and pulling him in for another kiss. He knew he would still have nightmares, would still have his self-doubts and his concerns about not being good enough, but he also knew he could trust Dick to tell the truth.
If Dick told him he loved him, Lew trusted him. If Dick said he would do everything for him, Lew believed him. And if Dick wanted to spend the rest of his days with him, who was Lew to refuse?
Meanwhile, Elvis just sang the last lines of his love song, and if someone would have asked Lew, he wouldn’t have found better words to describe what he felt for Dick.
Love me tender, love me true, all my dreams fulfill.
For my darling, I love you and I always will.