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“What do you mean, we’re not doing it?” Nolan asks. He’s got a arm wrapped around Liam, who’s resting his head against Nolan’s chest and mumbling into his sweater, so Nolan isn’t quite sure if he understood him correctly. “You don’t want to do it? With me?”
Now Liam raises his head and sits up, his shoulder pressing against Nolan’s. “Valentine’s Day,” he says simply, eyes straight ahead to the tv screen that Nolan suddenly doesn’t care about anymore, “We’re not doing it.”
Nolan isn’t sure how to respond. “Is this a protest against capitalism thing? Because I’m not a big fan of the commercialization of holidays that are meant to be about love either, but we can do it without spending a lot of money on it. We don’t need a fancy restaurant or roses or chocolates or whatever. We’ve got each other, right? Should be enough to make it a special day.”
Liam shakes his head. “We’re just not doing it, okay?”
“I don’t understand,” Nolan whispers helplessly, and he doesn’t. He and Liam fell in love over the previous summer. They started dating officially in August and hosted a thanksgiving dinner for all of their friends together. Over the Christmas holidays, they both met each other’s families. New Year’s was spent in New York - it was their first vacation together. Although they’re both still renting individual apartments, Liam and Nolan spend the nights wrapped up in each others arms and the mornings softly kissing, cuddling for as long as they can drag it out without being late for work.
They’re in love. Madly so, Nolan would say. They’re happy. Liam got them matching pajamas for Christmas and reaches for his hand every time they’re out in public together. Sometimes he wonders what he did to deserve someone as wonderful as Liam, but Nolan has never had a reason to doubt their love for each other for even a split second.
Not until Liam sat beside him, avoiding his eyes and looking more than uncomfortable, repeating once again that he did not plan to celebrate Valentine’s Day with Nolan.
“Can you explain to me why you don’t want to?” Nolan’s voice is barely above a whisper. He isn’t sure whether he has the right to ask this, but he can’t pretend like his feelings aren’t hurt. Or like he doesn’t want to know.
Liam sighs and shakes his head. “Would you hate me if I told you I can’t?”
“Of course not,” Nolan says softly, “I could never hate you.”
Liam nods and gets up, moving across the room and away from Nolan without making a noise. Nolan wants to tell him to stay. He wants to reach out for him, wants to wrap his arms around Liam and tell him that whatever it is, they can work it out, it’s going to be alright. Liam leaves the room and closes the door behind him more carefully than he’s ever done.
A shiver runs down Nolan’s spine. He’s alone. They’ve never had a fight before, not that Liam is fighting. It would be easier if he was, Nolan is pretty sure. But there were no accusations made, no anger speaking out of Liam. Just sadness. Deep, heavy, quiet. And Nolan has no idea what to make of it.
*
I need your help, Nolan texts Mason on day three after everything kind of changed. He doesn’t want to drag Liam’s best friend into it, but he’s feeling desperate. Liam is acting almost like everything is as usual, just a tiny little bit off. And Nolan doesn’t know how to bring Valentine’s Day up again. Making Liam sad again is the absolute last thing he wants, that much is certain.
Because he can’t take them anymore - the moments between Liam and Nolan that keep stretching, when silence reminds them there’s something yet to be talked about - Nolan convinces Mason to meet him for coffee, picks a table at the back of the coffee shop that gives them a little privacy. He does feel a little like he’s doing something forbidden, but he needs to ask or it’s going to drive him insane. Or worse, it’s going to drive him and Liam apart. Which can’t happen.
“Please tell me that you’re not planning to propose,” Mason sighs as they sit down. He knew exactly that something was up when Nolan asked him to meet, but apparently he has no idea what it is about, “You know I love you guys together and yes you have my blessing to marry my best friend one day but I really think it’s a little early now-”
“No, Mason! No. I’m not- I have your blessing to marry Liam?”
“It can wait at least another year though, right?”
“Uh, sure,” Nolan replies, “that actually wasn’t what I was going to talk to you about. Like, at all.”
“Oh. Well, okay. What can I do for you, then?”
Nolan sighs. “I need some insider information, Mase.”
“About Liam?” Mason asks. “Oh no no no. We’re not doing that.”
“Just hear me out, okay?” Nolan can tell that Mason isn’t happy with what he wants from him, and it’s not like Nolan is a fan of it either, but what else can he do? “Listen, I wouldn’t normally do this. But Liam isn’t talking to me, so I’m a little desperate here. Please, Mase. You know I wouldn’t ask you anything if I knew a better solution.”
Mason shakes his head quietly. “I don’t know. I don’t like this. Did you guys fight?”
“No. I mean, I don’t think so. I’m going to be honest with you. I have no idea what’s going on. That’s what I’m trying to find out.”
“You have no idea what’s going on with what?”
“Liam and Valentine’s Day.”
“Oh,” Mason makes. And then, “Ohhhhhhhhhh.” Nolan is pretty sure that means he must know something. “Well, what did he say to you about it?”
“Literally nothing besides ‘We’re not doing it.’ I asked him if he could explain to me why but he said he couldn’t. And that was it. And everything has been weird since then. I don’t even know how to describe it. It doesn’t seem like he’s mad. Nothing has really changed either. He doesn’t exactly act differently. He’s just, I don’t know, off.”
“Nolan, I think you should just accept the fact that Valentine’s Day isn’t happening for the two of you this year,” Mason tells him.
“What? Do you think he’s realizing he’s not that much in love with me after all?”
Now it’s Mason’s turn to say, “What? No! That’s not what I meant. It’s about Liam. And Valentine’s Day. Not about you. Not about the two of you, or your relationship. You’ll see. Just give him time.”
Nolan stares down into his coffee mug. “Time to drift further away from me,” he mumbles. Suddenly, there are tears welling up in his eyes because Liam is the best thing that’s ever happened to him and he’s scared shitless. Because he might be losing him, forced to watch and unable to stop it.
“Dude, no,” Mason says. “That’s not what’s happening. I’m telling you, okay? You guys will be fine.”
Nolan doesn’t believe it. “You haven’t seen him. He’s… sad.”
“I know,” Mason nods.
“Do you?” Nolan asks, looking up at him. His anger is unjustified, but where are his emotions supposed to go? “I don’t want him to be sad, do you understand that? I’d stop time and make the earth spin in the opposite direction if I could to make him smile again.”
Mason purses his lips, then he exhales deeply. “Shit. Okay, listen. I’ll tell you. But not the whole story, because it’s not mine to tell. And you won’t tell Liam I told you. And you won’t pressure him to tell you the rest. You’ll just continue to love him like you do, alright?”
Nolan wipes a tear from his cheek. “Always.”
“You know about Liam’s relationship with Theo, right?” Mason asks.
“Yeah.”
“And did you know it was Theo who ended it?”
Nolan shakes his head lightly. He doesn’t think Liam ever specified who it was that broke up. “It wasn’t pretty?”
“No,” Mason confirms, “it wasn’t pretty. Theo was an asshole and I will never forgive him for what he did to Liam. I wasn’t sure I would ever see him smile again. Until he met you. I told you I wasn’t going to go into the details, and I’m not. But it was a mess. And it happened on last year’s Valentine’s Day.”
*
It's a Friday like every other Friday. Liam is woken by the daylight that filters through the window as Nolan opens the blinds paired with the smell of coffee. They tried the old-fashioned way with a set alarm, but it takes too long for the ringtone to drag Liam out of his sleep and in the meantime Nolan has already gone insane. It was Nolan who decided that he would simply get up after the light buzzing of his phone that's all it takes to wake him, get started on their morning routine and let Liam slumber a little.
For as long as Liam lived with his parents, his Mom forced him out of bed by stealing his blanket or literally dragging him out of it by the ankle on worse days. Living on his own, the solution was the absolute ugliest alarm tone his phone had to offer and a lot of suffering.
With Nolan, it's this: a window being cracked open for fresh air and the distant clatter of breakfast being made. It's fingers combing through his hair and a kiss on the tip of his nose. It's the warmth of their slept-in bed and on most mornings, an arm wrapping around him and pulling him against Nolan's chest.
At the beginning it almost feels like a really nice dream, but there's something about the touch of Nolan's hands and the press of his lips against Liam's skin that no dream Liam could ever compare to. He's never felt safer than he does during those quiet moments in the early morning, wrapped up in the arms of the man he loves.
He turns around eventually. Being spooned is more than nice, but Liam's favorite spot is where he can press his nose against Nolan's neck and his hand flat against his beating heart. Nolan strokes his back with light fingers and kisses his head. If only they could stay like this all day. All year, possibly. For the rest of forever would be cool too.
Liam knows the limited time they have before work is starting to become an issue when Nolan gets a little more restless. He never actually waits long enough for them to be late, insisting that Liam is grumpy for the rest of the day without a proper breakfast. Every morning, Liam tries to convince him to stay in bed and cuddle just for five more minutes. This morning, he whines a complaint into Nolan's skin and wraps his arms and legs around his body, wanting to leave even less than on the other 365 days of the year.
"I know," Nolan whispers and kisses his forehead. "I don't want to go either. Then again, I never do. If only a cuddly boyfriend was an accepted excuse to get out of work."
"Fucking should be," Liam mutters. Life would be so much better.
Nolan sighs and starts covering Liam's face in kisses until Liam can't resist the temptation to raise his head and chase his lips with his own anymore. Nolan teases him, lets him have just the lightest brush and then pulls back, making Liam follow him blindly until they're sitting up and the sheets have slipped off Liam's tired body.
"Ugh, you tricked me!" Liam complains.
Nolan laughs, gets off the bed and walks away. "There's coffee and a real kiss waiting for you in the kitchen."
Liam gives up his attempt to stifle a big yawn and climbs out of bed too. He still hates getting up in the morning, but Nolan? He loves him more than he thought he would. They met at a time when Liam wasn't interested in looking for love, but he found it anyway. The falling didn't feel like falling at all, not when Nolan caught him gently, and some time later, Liam found himself looking at Nolan, thinking that he didn't want to waste one single second of his life by not being with him.
Tragic as it seems to Liam, the proper kiss he gets in the kitchen isn't followed by more of the same kind, although he begs a little. Not even in the shower does he get any more than his hair washed by Nolan and a few pecks on his pouty lips. Admittedly, they wouldn't be leaving the apartment right on time otherwise. Liam has no problem saying that he isn't the sensible one out of the two of them.
"I already miss you," Nolan whispers as he kisses Liam goodbye.
Because it's Friday, there's not a lot of work to do. Not for Liam, anyway, who prefers staying longer on the other days of the week and gets as much done as possible so he can spend the last day before the weekend only doing his daily routine. If he skips his lunch break, that means he gets to go home around one-thirty.
The problem is, as soon as Liam enters the office, he knows he should have stayed in bed for real. It's easy to forget the rest of the world on a peaceful morning with Nolan, but the earth doesn't stop spinning because they're in love, and nobody else has forgotten what day it is. Everywhere he looks, Liam finds reminders of what he's been dreading for all of February.
It isn't fair at all, but by the time he's free to leave and start his weekend, he's almost a little afraid to go home. It's not that he doesn't want to see Nolan, because that's always and forever what his heart needs in order to know that it's going to be okay. Spending hours surrounded by heart-shaped balloons and bouquets of roses and chocolates that are being offered to him out of expensive-looking boxes, Liam hopes and prays that Nolan didn't get any stupid ideas. If he comes home to any of the same things he's looking at while at work, he won't know how to react without hurting any feelings.
Once Liam starts thinking about it, he can't stop. He knows Nolan loves him, and it's not like he ever managed to give him an explanation for not wanting to celebrate valentine's day. It came up days ago and Nolan might have interpreted it as Liam being in a bad mood that day and nothing more. Liam has no idea what to expect as he drives back. He catches himself parking the car in a way that makes a quick flight possible if needed, and he knows it makes him an asshole.
Heart thumping in his chest, Liam unlocks the door. Nolan has short Fridays just like him and the car is already out front, so he knows he isn't coming home to an empty apartment. As if something might attack him, he pushes the door open just two inches and peeks inside, checking for potential reasons to turn around and run before Nolan hears or sees him. Thankfully, there's nothing. Not in the hallway, anyway.
Liam puts his bag down but leaves his shoes and jacket on, sneaking inside on tippy toes. He checks the bedroom and bathroom first, finding nothing suspicious. Then he moves towards the other end of the apartment, where a big living room leads to a tiny kitchen that he can hear Nolan humming a melody in. He stops before pushing the door to the living room open, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath out. He'll forgive Nolan. Nolan doesn't know. Nolan only wants to make him feel special. Whatever happens, for that alone, he will love him until the end of time.
Just when Liam has decided to move ahead, Nolan's humming turns into quiet singing.
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
Liam hides his face in his hands. He's such an asshole. He doesn't deserve this guy.
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away
There's a tiny little sigh before Nolan repeats the last line
Please don't take my sunshine away
It's time to rip the band-aid off, Liam thinks. In the worst case, he has to explain to Nolan that he wasn't joking the other day, and then probably why he feels so strongly about valentine's day. He doesn't want to give Nolan a reason to be angry, or worse, sad, but what can he do? They promised each other honesty.
After another deep exhale, Liam pushes at the door and readies himself to find the living room transformed into a love nest on the one day of the year where he doesn't want it to be. Explaining himself doesn't sound like a fun weekend plan, but for Nolan to understand him is more important right now. He just wants them to be okay.
"Oh hey babe, there you are!" Nolan looks up at Liam with a wide smile on his face. He's standing at the stove wearing the apron Liam's Mom gave him for Christmas because she knew it wasn't her son who did the cooking for them. Beneath the apron, Liam is a little surprised to see a simple t-shirt and a pair of soft, gray sweatpants. Nolan's hair does the thing it always does after Nolan's hands have pulled and pushed at it too much. Liam has always thought it's prettier this way than when it's purposefully styled.
Liam stares for a second before he reminds himself to speak. "What are you doing?" He asks, genuinely a little confused. There's food simmering in a pot on the stove, but apart from the wonderful smell of garlic, Nolan doesn't seem to have done anything to the place. Liam tries to be subtle as he looks around, finding nothing in the shape of a heart, no flowers, no candy with romantic messages on it, no stuffed animals or teddy bears, nothing. Just to be sure he opens the fridge, relieved when there is indeed no bottle of champagne inside it.
"I know you don't do lunch on Fridays, so I'm cooking," Nolan says. "What are you doing?"
Liam realizes that he should relax and stop acting like a crazy person. "I'm sorry," he apologizes. He really is sorry, for way more than he's going to admit to right now. "Work was a little more hectic than it should be on a Friday. And I missed you."
Nolan steps in front of Liam and takes his face in both hands. Liam knows that nobody else has ever looked at him the same way that Nolan is doing, and he wouldn't want anybody else to do so either. He wants to say thank you. For getting him. He wants to say sorry. For ever believing Nolan would do something Liam doesn't want. He wants to tell him that he loves him. For no other reason than Nolan being his wonderful self, beautiful inside and out.
Liam's hands pull Nolan close and close and closer and then he wraps his arms around Nolan's waist. He lays all the things he doesn't know how to say in a long, tight hug. With Nolan's heart beating this close to his, with a pair of arms holding him like they mean it, with a shoulder to rest his head on and warm breath coming against his neck, Liam doesn't remember what he was afraid of. He kind of has the best boyfriend in the whole world.
Nolan waits until Liam is ready to let go again. They kiss before Nolan turns his attention back to the food again and Liam finally takes his shoes and jacket off, and then all the rest of his clothes too, looking for something more comfortable to wear and finding the pyjama that Nolan has the exact same of.
"Cute outfit," Nolan says when he joins him in the kitchen again.
"Yeah, reminds me of our Christmas holidays." It's exactly what Liam wants back now, the time spent ignoring responsibilities and caring only about each other, eating amazing food every day and cuddling all the time, nothing and nobody being important enough to interrupt them.
"Best Christmas ever," Nolan beams at him. The small table in the corner is already set, a bottle of wine waiting to be opened. Nolan gestures for Liam to take a seat and follows with their food.
"Really?" Liam wants to know. "That was the best Christmas you've had?"
Nolan thinks about it for a moment, shrugs his shoulders and says, "Yes. It's supposed to be the holiday of love, right? Well, it really was this time."
Because Liam is rendered speechless for a moment, he decides to pour wine into both their glasses. "You're-" He doesn't know how to say what he wants to say to Nolan. "I'm the luckiest man on earth for sure."
"Second luckiest," Nolan replies with a wink, which honestly just proves that he's wrong and Liam right.
Unsurprisingly, the late lunch tastes delicious. Liam gets some more before his plate is even empty. One of Nolan's feet comes to rest on Liam's chair next to his thigh, because this is Nolan who always finds a way to be touching him, even while they eat and drink and Nolan shares the latest gossip from his office.
After Liam has stuffed himself absolutely full, Nolan puts the dishes into the kitchen sink, softly pushing Liam away and forbidding him to place them in the dishwasher. Apparently, all that he’s allowed to do is sit down on the couch while Nolan pours some more wine in his glass.
“Bath or movie?” Nolan asks without further context. “Or a movie in the bath? I guess that could be arranged too.”
Liam takes the wine glass from him and shrugs, but then he chooses to have an opinion on the matter after all. Basically, the two options Nolan is giving him are his favorite things to do, given that he gets to do them with Nolan. There’s nothing more peaceful that cuddling buried underneath a blanket, either dozing off in each other’s arms or lazily making out while some movie is playing in the background. There’s nothing more intimate than to undress each other, legs wrapped around another in the bathtub while they wash each other.
On every other day, Liam would be more than happy with either one of those things. It’s just that on this Friday, he needs Nolan in a different way. Not as a lover, not as a man trying to impress his boyfriend by showing off his romantic side. Tonight, he wants just Nolan.
“Can we watch the football game instead?” Liam suggests.
Nolan smiles, gets the remote and flops down next to him on the couch, turning on the tv. Liam doesn’t care about football and Nolan knows it. It’s not really his sport and he’d be lying if he claimed to have fully understood its rules. The point is, football makes for excellent background noise and at least Liam can be sure the program doesn’t contain a love story of any sorts.
He rearranges the pillows, crosses his ankles on top of the coffee table, leans back with his wine in hand and puts an arm around Nolan’s shoulder, pulling him against his side. It’s only the afternoon but Liam is tired, has been tired for a while now, but he’s starting to understand that Nolan can see it, too, and that this is what Nolan is doing for him on this valentine’s day: allowing him to be tired. Giving him a break.
“Thank you,” Liam whispers into Nolan’s hair after pressing a soft kiss there. “For not making a big deal out of this day.”
“Didn’t have to,” Nolan mutters, “already is. Same as every day I get to be with you.”
A part of Liam wants to kiss him until he’s breathless and then some more. A part of Liam wants to take Nolan’s clothes off and put his hands everywhere, wants to praise and worship him and slowly take him apart one orgasm at a time. A different part wants everything to be just the way it is, wants to keep cuddling while neither of them pays real attention to the football game.
Liam drapes a blanket over both of them and puts his hands under Nolan’s shirt where it’s warm. Nolan puts his legs over Liam’s lap and his head against Liam’s chest. Every now and again they kiss, but there’s nothing sexual to it, it’s just little moments in which they need to express their love and contentment.
It’s only just gotten dark outside when they both fall asleep for the first time, and it’s not even close to midnight when Liam turns off the tv and carries his boyfriend to bed, finding said bed in the same condition as always. One day really soon, he thinks, he’ll take a day off and do something special for Nolan. It will be properly romantic and Nolan will smile so damn big.
“Good night,” Liam tells Nolan as he pulls him against his chest, almost sure that Nolan isn’t awake enough to hear him. “You have no idea how happy you have made me today.”
*
“I’m going to tell you,” Liam says as he comes back to bed with two cups of coffee. Truth be told, Nolan was a little scared for a moment when he woke up and didn’t feel Liam next to him. It’s not exactly a regular occurrence for Liam to wake up, let alone get out of bed before him.
He sits up, rubs his eyes and takes the coffee. “You don’t have to,” he says, “you know that, right? It’s okay for you to simply not want things. No is a full sentence and it never requires an explanation.”
Liam nods. He’s sitting next to Nolan, still in the Christmas pyjamas, his back leaned against the headboard. “I want to. It’s not a secret. There’s no reason not to tell you, and I didn’t want you to think there was.”
Liam takes a deep breath out and Nolan just waits. He would never have pushed Liam to tell him anything at all.
“I know it sounds stupid,” Liam begins, “but I didn’t really believe in love, you know? Or at least not in love as this big, beautiful, miraculous thing that changes our lives and makes us better people or whatever. Not to be a cynic but I kind of never knew a real love story growing up. I don’t even remember the time before my parents hated each other. My grandparents are married but always at each other’s throats. Look around us, Nolan. Everyone keeps leaving everyone. I spent my teenage years chasing after Hayden, and then she moved and it was over. Later I thought Theo was the one for me. And then came the last valentine’s day.”
“I’m sorry,” Nolan says quietly. It’s never been a secret that Liam’s heart had been broken by Theo before they met the previous year.
“You don’t have to,” Liam replies. “I mean, yeah, it’s sad and all that but he didn’t actually do anything wrong. It wasn’t good anymore for quite a while before it got bad, you know. I saw it coming. I think valentine’s day was what made him panic and finally end things. Not his fault at all. Not sure he’s even really interested in people - sexually or romantically - like, in general. But that’s not the point. The point is, every relationship I’ve ever seen is fragile. They all break sooner or later. And valentine’s day seems to raise the stakes by a thousandfold, you know what I mean?”
Nolan’s chest hurts a little. “You didn’t think there was a chance for it to make me panic too, did you?”
“I don’t know what I thought,” Liam admits. “I guess I was scared. Not because I thought you were going to leave me. Just in general. Because sometimes when I look at you, I realize that I can’t protect myself. I remember thinking that I was never going to fall in love after the shit show that was my parents’ divorce. And then after Hayden, I thought I was done. And with Theo it already took a lot longer until I allowed myself to feel something for him. And after it was over I was done, once again.”
“But you don’t have to believe in love,” Nolan concluded. “Sometimes it happens regardless.”
Liam nods. “Now here I am. All my guards down. Nothing I can do to stop you from breaking my heart again.”
“Nothing I can do to stop you from breaking mine.” Nolan nudges Liam’s shoulder and gives him a smile. There are unshed tears glistening in Liam’s eyes, but the expression on his face when Liam looks at him lets him know that they’re alright.
“For the record,” Liam whispers, “yesterday was a perfect valentine’s day, and I can’t wait for all the following valentine’s days that we’re not going to make a big deal out of. Or maybe we will. Honestly, I kind of don’t think it would be so terrible.”
“Whatever you want, my love.” Nolan puts his cup down on the nightstand so he can climb into Liam’s lap and hold his face in his hands and kiss him and wrap his arms around his neck and hug him and hold him close and whisper all the different ways he knows how to say ‘I love you’ into Liam’s ears.
In the end, he doesn’t care whether Liam ever wants to celebrate valentine’s day again. Why would it matter, when every day he spends by Liam’s side already makes him the happiest man on earth?