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Nolan looked at him, but Liam didn’t need to see the hurt in his eyes to know he’d just fucked up. Seriously fucked up.
He wished he could still feel Nolan’s hand holding his own, but Liam was aware of it being him who’d let go first. Nolan didn’t say anything, didn’t make any accusations out loud, but he didn’t have to. Liam knew exactly what he was thinking.
You’re ashamed of me.
You’re ashamed of us.
“Nolan, wait. Hey, stop!” Liam called after him, but Nolan was walking away from him with large, purposeful steps, clearly not wanting to be followed.
“Everything okay with him?” Theo asked. He, who was practically Liam’s brother stood in front of Liam as well as Jenna and David, who were not both Liam’s real parents and both not Theo’s real parents, but family to the both of them. Everyone was looking in the direction that Nolan was disappearing in, but only Liam knew why.
Six months. That was how long they’d been together at that point. Liam had met Nolan on one of his first days of college. They’d been friends for years, occasional lovers before they’d both graduated and parted ways to pursue their respective careers. But they’d met again about a year earlier, Liam had realized in a heartbeat what had been missing from his life until that moment, and they’d been inseparable ever since.
The problem was, Liam had just made the pink bubble of fresh romance burst by introducing Nolan to his family as “Nolan, remember? My friend from college!”
It wasn’t at all how Liam saw him. He had no idea why he’d said it that way, truly. He’d brought Nolan to a work event, and even if it was a pretty big deal, even if the company he worked for was well known in all the states, he hadn’t anticipated that anyone from back home would show up. Seeing his mom and dad and Theo in their fancy clothes, Liam had simply panicked.
Had he gotten just ten seconds to think about his words before uttering them, they would have come out differently. Liam wasn’t the type to hide who he was or who he was with. Nobody in his family was the type to judge people because of who they were or who they were with. There was no reason to lie. There really wasn’t.
“I’m an idiot,” Liam said. “Hey guys, can we talk later? I’m sorry. And thanks so much for coming.”
Liam had no time to wait for their reactions. He’d find them again later and come clean. It wasn’t that much of a big deal anyway. For the moment, what mattered more was to find Nolan.
*
“There you are, thank god.” Liam found him outside. Nolan looked stubbornly ahead, arms crossing in front of his chest.
“Go away,” he growled lowly. “Enjoy your night with the people who actually matter to you, I guess. Just waiting for the next cab.”
“Nolan,” Liam said softly. He reached out to touch his shoulder but thought better of it. “Listen, can we talk about this? I’m sorry. I was surprised to see them, that’s literally all there is to it.”
Nolan shook his head. “It’s not, and we both know it. I’m not doing this again, Liam. It’s bullshit. We’re not in college anymore. I’m done being the straight jock’s dirty little secret.”
“Wait,” Liam said, getting defensive now. “You know that’s not how it is, right?”
“Do I?” Nolan asked, now looking at him. The expression on his face was cold, but Liam could tell that he’d shed one or two tears, and he could tell that more of them wanted out.
Liam was kind of a little speechless.
“The thing is,” Nolan continued, “it’s not that hard. You’re a grown man, Liam. You say ‘Mom, Dad, I’m gay and this is my boyfriend.’ Unless you don’t want to, which is cool, obviously, but in that case I’m out.”
Liam looked down at his feet and muttered, “It is hard.”
Nolan nodded. “I guess I have my answer then.” A taxi pulled up in front of him as if the driver had only been waiting to end their conversation when Liam was at his most desperate. But that can’t be it, can it?
“Nolan, don’t,” he begged.
Nolan climbed in the vehicle and looked at him. “You’re ashamed of me,” he said. “You’re ashamed of us. ”
Before Liam could make an attempt at telling him how wrong he was, Nolan slammed the door shut and the taxi drove off, leaving Liam behind with the remnants of his heart and no idea what to do.
*
“I fucked up,” was the first thing Liam said when he was surrounded by his family again.
“Sweetie, what are you talking about?” His mom wanted to know.
Liam sighed deeply. “Nolan,” he said.
Theo nudged David’s shoulder and muttered, “You owe me fifty bucks man.”
“What?” Liam asked.
His mom rolled her eyes. “Don’t listen to them.”
“He hasn’t even said anything yet,” David said to Theo in a quiet voice, “how about we let him speak first before you claim any of my money, huh?”
“You did not!” Liam exclaimed.
“Just tell us what’s going on,” said Liam’s mom to him.
“Well, as far as I can tell, Theo wins those fifty bucks, I guess,” Liam admitted. “Nolan and I have been dating for about a half year.”
“Only a half year?” Theo asked, eyebrows raised in an expression of surprise. “Dude, no offense but you were obsessed with the guy from day one at college.”
“I hate you,” Liam whispered. “It wasn’t like that in college. Not completely. But it was when we met again last year. It’s been a pretty good couple of months. At least it was. Right up until I saw you guys walking in here all of a sudden and let go of his hand.”
“Oh yeah, I see what happened there,” Theo nodded.
“I’m such an asshole. I didn’t even mean to lie. It’s just… Well, I was going to come home for my birthday next month and I was going to bring him along. You know, introduce him to the whole family, show him where I’m from, sleep squished together in my old bedroom, all that stuff. You were all going to be super surprised because you’d never known I liked boys but you were going to see how happy I was and everything was going to be great. I had it all planned out, but then you showed up today and I didn’t have enough time to think and I fucked up, and now he’s gone.”
It wasn’t until that moment that it really hit Liam that Nolan had indeed left him, telling him he was done, probably not planning on giving Liam another shot at explaining himself. Just. Gone.
Tears welled up in Liam’s eyes and he looked at his mom, because even in that moment, even after years he’d lived on his own and fought out his battles for himself, as he was heartbroken and helpless and drowning in guilt, she was his only real anchor. “Mom,” he croaked out, “I really fell in love this time.”
*
Nolan didn’t pick up his phone and he didn’t reply to any of Liam’s countless messages. Although his car was out front, he didn’t open his door either when Liam stood in front of it ringing the bell for ten minutes. The key Nolan had given Liam a few weeks earlier didn’t fit anymore and when Liam returned home, he found the key to his own apartment that he’d given to Nolan in the mailbox.
At the beginning, Liam was determined to fight for what he knew was the love of his life. He was willing to give Nolan time and space, but not to give up. But the days kept passing by without news from Nolan, without even a word, without even a goodbye, and Liam found it hard to take.
After a month of silence, he did something he hadn’t done since his days in elementary school. He sat down with a pen and some paper, and then he wrote it all down, all the things Nolan wasn’t letting him say.
*
Nolan.
I’m trying to convince myself that this is my last try. I’ve run out of ways to say I’m sorry, I think, but what does sorry mean anyway?
I talked to my family right after you were gone. You were right. ‘Mom, Dad, Theo, this is the man I love.’ It’s all it takes.
But you were wrong, too. You said it wasn’t that hard, but it is. Not because I’m ashamed of you. Not because I’m ashamed of us. Because telling the truth about who you are requires for you to know who you are first. I was never good at that.
I don’t like hiding. I don’t like secrets, and I never meant to make you feel like one. You were not my experiment in college, and you are not a secret now.
I fell in love with you the very day that we met, but I didn’t know that. You knew who you were, I didn’t. All I knew was that I didn’t want to choose. I’ve never said ‘I’m gay’ before. I don’t even know if it’s true. I think I always expected to be more sure about these things in my mid-twenties.
The truth you want me to tell is one I still don’t have a lot of words for. That doesn’t mean I’m trying to hide it.
I miss you a lot, and this is something I couldn’t be any more sure about. You’re the best thing in my life. I’m sorry I ruined it. I was going to take you home with me for my birthday to make everyone jealous of me. Joke’s on me I guess.
It will be a very long time until I start thinking about something other than you during some of the seconds of my days.
Love,
Liam
*
It was Liam’s birthday, but it didn’t feel like a reason to celebrate. As planned, he was back home with his family, having cake and sparkling wine in the backyard where he made his first attempts at playing lacrosse as a kid. According to the plan, though, Liam shouldn’t have come on his own, with a still bleeding heart.
“Thanks, everyone,” he declared after he’d unwrapped some presents, standing at the top of a long wooden table with his glass in hand, making an effort to appear happy at least for the photos David was taking. “Thank you for coming today, and the presents of course, and…”
Liam trailed off, his attention being directed to a figure appearing at the little gate at the edge of the backyard. Everyone turned their heads to Nolan, who looked up and offered a shy smile, waving.
“Uh, hi,” Nolan said, “I’m Nolan.”
Liam swallowed. Nolan had come. For some reason, whatever it might have been, he’d found out Liam’s parents’ address and driven all the way to Beacon Hills. He was standing only a few feet away from Liam, and although nothing was currently right between them, Liam’s body was excited at the sight of its other half, his heart starting to race in his chest. He wanted to scream, wanted to cry, wanted to run and wrap his arms around Nolan and never let him go again.
First, there was something else Liam needed to do.
“Everyone,” he said, drawing the attention back to him. “This is Nolan. And he’s the man I love. Truth be told, I didn’t know he was coming today, because a while ago, I seriously fucked up and I wasn’t sure I hadn’t lost him. I wish I could tell you he’s my boyfriend, but that’s only if he’ll have me.”
It was quiet for a moment. Nolan stared at him and a fifty-dollar bill wandered from Theo’s hand to David’s while Theo rolled his eyes. Liam’s cousin Ellen cleared her throat and commented on how she hadn’t known Liam was gay.
“You know what?” Liam said, “I didn’t know either. I still don’t, I think. I might be gay, or I might be bi, or maybe something else entirely. I’m not really good with figuring these things out for myself. What I know for a fact is that I’m in love with a man. Have been for years, actually, although that also took me a while to understand. This man right here.”
It looked like Nolan released a breath he’d been holding. His lips curled into a smile and he walked around the table that had been separating the two of them. Liam willed himself still, not wanting to overwhelm Nolan, who still hadn’t said anything. In the end, it was Nolan who pulled Liam close, who took his face in both hands and pressed their lips together in front of Liam’s entire family.
“Of course I’m your boyfriend,” he whispered once he was done kissing Liam breathless.
Liam laughed out his relief and pulled Nolan into a long, tight hug, hoping that David was catching the moment on camera too.
*
“Here’s a truth,” Nolan said when it was just Liam and him sitting on the bed in Liam’s childhood bedroom. “I thought you were scared of being who you are, but it was me who was scared. I was scared of falling for a closeted guy who would always prioritize keeping his secret over me. I’ve been there before and it sucks, but you’re not that guy. A part of me knew that about you, and a different part was afraid anyway. I should have had more faith in you.”
“Here’s another truth,” Liam answered, taking Nolan’s hand in his own, waiting until their fingers were entwined before he spoke again. “That fear didn’t come from nowhere. Coming out is fucking hard. Even with a family like mine, who I knew would accept and love me no matter what. So I get it.”
“Being your friend from college and never more is the worst thing I can imagine.”
Liam shook his head, lifted their joined hands to his lips and kissed Nolan’s knuckles. “That was never what you were, you hear me?”
“Never?”
Liam smiled and shook his head again. “Not even on the very first day.”
“I’m sorry,” Nolan whispered against Liam’s lips before they kissed.
“I’m sorry too,” Liam whispered in between more kisses.
They fell back onto Liam’s bed, Nolan climbed on top of him and they kept saying sorry with their hands and mouths for a while before it turned into something different, something neither of them was sorry for, or ashamed of.
Sometimes, if not easy, it really is as simple as that.