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Young Sirius Black had a name printed on his wrist, a thick cuff bracelet to cover it as all soulmarks were, and a belly full of hope: James Potter. His parents tried to tell him that soulmates didn't make them automatically allies, but he knew that was only because the name on his wrist was someone from a family they didn't like. Regulus didn't have to deal with any of that, and when they thought Sirius wasn't listening, they told their second son all about soulmates and how they'd always be there for him. So yeah, Sirius knew they were lying to him in the hopes that he'd manage to believe them this time.
When James Potter introduced himself, with a large grin and thick rimmed glasses and messy hair standing out like they were too big for the rest of his body, Sirius smiled back and said his name, hoping for a reaction of some sort. He didn't get one.
They talked on the train ride to Hogwarts, and it became increasingly obvious that James didn't recognize him. It was a terrible feeling, realising that James didn't have his name. Sirius belonged to James, that much was clear. It was like a deep feeling seeped into his bones, this knowledge that he belonged to James. He wished that it went both ways, that James belonged to him too.
That would've been nice.
"D'you have a soulmate?" Sirius asked out of the blue one day.
"Nope," James admitted easily. He didn't seem very down about it, but Sirius definitely would've been in his place. Maybe that was because he knew who his soulmate was, though.
"Do you wish you had one?"
"Eh." James shrugged, frowning at a blot of ink that landed on his parchment. "I guess? It sounds nice, the way people talk about it, and my parents are soulmates, but it's hard to miss what you've never had. What about you?"
Sirius blinked. "I have a soulmate." It would be easier if he didn't maybe, but he also wouldn't give up James's name on his wrist.
"Really?" James asked, more surprised than he should've been considering how close they were-- Sirius ignored the fact that this was his first confirmation that James didn't have a soulmate so there was no reason for James to know anything about his.
"Yeah." He tried to inject enough casualness into his voice that James wouldn't pry further, and it worked.
It had been six and a half years since Sirius met James. And with every buggering year that passed, it became more and more bloody obvious that James didn't have Sirius's name for a reason. James readily admitted that he didn't have a soulmark, but that wasn't what did it; Sirius kept fucking up. Because Sirius wasn't a good person. If he had one main trait, it would be selfishness. He kept pulling James into pranks even though he was Head Boy-- and okay, it's not like James really fought him on it, but he also wasn't instigating anymore, which meant that if Sirius didn't suggest it, they didn't do anything-- he did that thing with Snape a couple years ago that had nearly killed Remus and James, and he kept sabotaging James and Lily's relationship. It's not like he put it in his mind to do it, but that's always what ended up happening. Which sucked. Because James was getting mad at him, and Lily was actually pretty cool which just made it worse (she seemed to think it was a sort of hazing that she had to endure to prove she could be part of the group, and that was the same way Sirius attempted to justify it to himself before Remus had flat out said, "Stop trying to break them up, James is still your best mate and that's not going to change because he's dating someone." Sirius could have stood for his subconscious taking it to heart but whatever).
Anyways, James didn't have his name because Sirius was a complete and absolute berk who didn't deserve being shackled to him for the rest of his life.
"Sorry," Sirius said as soon as he sat on the couch.
"Should I be worried?" Lily asked, her tone flat as she showed how clearly she wasn't worried.
Sirius snorted. "This is going to be the beginning of a great new friendship."
"Between you and...?"
"You."
Lily looked up from her book at that, blinking at him guilelessly.
Fuck she really didn't know. Sirius thought by this point everyone knew he was in love with James, even though neither Remus nor Peter had come out and admitted as much to his face. And if she didn't know that, did she have a reason for why he was being such an arse, or did she just think that's how he was? Either way, that behaviour was coming to an end. Sirius gave her a smirk that looked more like a pained grimace; he wasn't used to apologising even though he had plenty to apologise for. "I've been an arse and I'm sorry. Worried you were going to take James from me, y'know?"
"Not judging, but that's kinda stupid. I'm his girlfriend, you're his best mate. It's not like we're both dating him or summat."
That hurt more, but if she hadn't noticed before, she wasn't going to notice now. "Yeah I figured that out. Rather," he added with a dramatic eye roll, "Moony got so annoyed that he whacked me over the head with his History of Magic essay until I listened to him. I haven't been very nice to you. I'm surprised he hasn't killed me for it yet, to be honest."
"I didn't take it personally," she said with a shrug. "I'm not sure you like anyone other than James. And occasionally Peter and Remus," she tagged on thoughtfully. "Anywho, you will be forgiven shortly, just as soon as I believe it won't keep happening."
"Well here's hoping I don't reclaim being a dumbarse."
Lily chuckled. "Here's hoping."
James showed up on Sirius's doorstep, one hand stuck in his hair like he couldn't bear to be in a normal stance. There was a nervous energy about him, but it wasn't tragic like they'd lost somebody else in the war. "What's wrong?" Sirius asked when he came in, barely finishing the second word before James was blurting out an answer.
"Lily's pregnant."
Sirius's heart stopped. When it started again, it was painful where it beat in his chest, like his ribcage had shrunk at the same time his heart grew and now it was strangled but trying desperately to continue on like nothing had changed. "What?"
"So we're- y'know- getting married only she wants to have it soon, like before she starts to show at all, so I was thinking you could help."
"What?"
"To, y'know, throw the wedding together. I have no idea what goes into it, but you're my best man so you'd have to help anyways, right? And you always pick good flowers and shite, so it makes sense to apply it to weddings, y'know?" James was saying 'you know' a lot, like maybe if he said it enough, Sirius would stop being confused.
"Best man?" Sirius repeated dumbly. He'd never felt like his heart had been ripped out of his chest before. He wouldn't recommend it.
"Lily's kind of freaking out, so Marlene and Mary and Dorcas are all at our place comforting her, and they sorta kicked me out, so like, I dunno, maybe they're planning it so you won't have to?"
Did James think the best friend of the groom was traditionally the one to plan the wedding? Or did he assume that Sirius was going to do it because he was used to Sirius taking care of things? "James," Sirius said, and James looked over at him like he was hearing him for the first time since showing up. "Pregnant?"
"Hmm? Yeah, apparently condoms aren't a hundred percent effective, who knew? And her birth control pills aren't very reliable, guess we had an unlucky night, you know? She's only two months in, so we've got a month to the wedding, if that helps."
Pregnant. And all James had to say about it was that they had an unlucky night? Sirius frowned. "James, do you want to marry her?"
"We're having a kid, we're going to be a family." He stated it like fact, and Sirius took a grounding breath and let it go. If he argued this and won, then what? Lily would have to raise a kid by herself, James would be miserable with guilt, and for every minute afterwards, Sirius would have to wonder if he did it for James's sake or his own.
"Yeah, I guess you're right."
Unfortunately, now that James was paying attention, he was really paying attention. He caught the strange note in his tone and asked, "What do you mean?"
Sirius shrugged, the lie coming out of his mouth before his brain thought of it. "Her soulmate."
"Shit. I didn't even think about that." James rubbed at his forehead, but he wasn't dissuaded from the whole idea, Sirius could tell that much just from looking at him. "We'll deal with it when she meets him, but right now there's a baby on the way and we have to think of the sprog first. Besides, she probably won't meet him for years, so we'll be out of the war and the baby will be older and- I mean, everything will be easier, then, you know?"
No. "Sure." Things weren't going to be easier in three years or twelve, but at least there wouldn't be a war on. Their issues would be smaller, but it wouldn't feel any better for James to be dealing with it.
Lily and James were both in hospital, and Sirius was taking care of Harry while the remaining Death Eaters were rounded up. It was pretty easy since he'd learned all his babysitting talents alongside James's self imposed parenting lessons while Lils was pregnant. Harry was easily entertained by Padfoot, but getting to sleep and waking up were the absolute worst. Harry knew Sirius, no question, but he always wanted Lily when he woke up, and he wanted one of his parents (sometimes both) when he was going down. Sirius wasn't getting much sleep, but it was more than he'd gotten while pulling shifts at the Auror's office in the day then running for the Order at night.
Harry's soulmark was barely starting to develop, on the bottom of his right foot. It was little more than a grey smudge at the moment, but by his second birthday, the name would be clear. Harry would learn first how to write his name, then how to write his soulmate's. That's how Regulus had learned, and Sirius knew he would've done the same had their parents not been so hellbent on him not attaching himself to James. As always, the thought made him snort in amusement; they'd never been able to control him, not from the moment he was five years old and decided their rules were stupid and outdated.
Sirius ruffled Harry's hair as he played with two stuffies, his hair already dark and thick on his head.
James was gingerly getting out of the shower when he saw his soulmark for the first time in his entire life. Lily was probably still on the couch, too weak to make it further on her own. He'd offered to help, but they'd separated while hiding from Voldemort in that small house, and things were still awkward between them. Knowing that they cared about each other but weren't in love was just... it made sense but he was never going to admit that to her.
While in hospital, they'd shaved his head so they could do some sort of surgery or potion soaking, he had no idea. One of the side effects was getting the chills at all times of the day, so he'd had a hat on the whole time. No one that talked to him had seen it, which was why he was frozen in shock when he saw dark writing on the side of his head in the mirror.
He shuffled closer, tilting his head and leaning in until he was nearly pressing his face against the cool surface. It was hard to read from this distance and with it backwards, but it was a name he knew as well as his own: Sirius Black.
Sirius? But-. It made sense-- it definitely did, the knowledge that Sirius was his soulmate clicked into place like it had always been there-- but why hadn't Sirius said anything? Sirius knew where his soulmark was, he knew who it was, and he hadn't said anything. James had thought he didn't have a soulmate, but with his name on his wrist, Sirius had proof that he did, so why didn't he tell him? Sure they'd been eleven at the time they met, but Sirius didn't know that James thought he was without a soulmate until they were fourteen; that was three years of being best mates, where Sirius could have told him and didn't.
He wanted to grab his wand and apparate over to his flat and demand answers, but even with all the healing potions and the two week long stay in hospital, he couldn't move very quickly. It took him far too long to towel dry, and even longer to get his fumbling limbs through the proper sleeves. He pulled the hat on automatically, paused, then pulled it further down. He wasn't ashamed, but he was still too damn cold all the time and if Sirius hadn't told him, he must have a reason.
James made his way out of the loo and over to the living room. Lily was sitting on the couch, but she'd changed. "How do you feel?"
"Like I nearly got cut in half," she said, because that was basically what had happened. How she survived it long enough for help to arrive was a mystery to everyone, including the healers. "You?"
"Like I'm walking through ice." Both for speed and the bloody temperature. "You okay if I go visit Sirius?"
Lily shifted, then grimaced and held a hand to her stomach. "Try calling him, I'm not sure travelling that far is a good idea."
They'd both been banned from floo travel and any apparation up to a certain range. Flying was, of course, out of the question. James sighed, knowing she was right. "Yeah." He turned and started hobbling towards his room. It took a while, but he made it, landing on the armchair with more force than he should've allowed himself. He tapped the mirror and waited for Sirius to answer. Harry should be in the middle of his nap, so hopefully there wouldn't be any way for Sirius to get out of talking to him.
"Hey, what's up?" Sirius asked, his smiling face replacing James's in the mirror.
"Who's your soulmate?" he blurted out, not wanting to deal with small talk when he could only think about this one topic.
Sirius blinked, smile fading quickly. "What?"
"Your soulmate, who is it?"
"It doesn't matter."
It doesn't matter. His soulmate was James, and he was saying that it didn't matter. To his face. Well. A little disconnected, but it was still to his face. "How can it not matter?"
Sirius shifted uncomfortably. "It just doesn't. Since when do you care? We've talked about it, like, twice and it was ages ago. Nothing's changed. At the end of the day, everything is just as it was when we first met, and nothing's every going to come of-"
"You're full of shite."
He blinked, taken aback. "I- what?"
"You heard me, you're full of shite. You have my name, that changes things."
Sirius's eyes went wide, and he broke the connection.
"Wait, don't-"
His face faded entirely from view, and all that was left was James scowling at himself.
"Bugger." This is why he'd wanted to speak in person. Disapparation was going to be better than trying to floo, so he stuck his head out his door and yelled, "Lily, I'm going to talk to Sirius!"
"Can't it wait?" she called, only she was smart and used a spell to amplify her voice instead of trying to shout.
"No!"
"Fine, but I won't visit you in hospital, I just got out!"
"That's fine!" Then he closed his door and turned on his heel, appearing in Sirius's living room with a pop. He turned in a circle looking for him, and he stumbled to a halt when he saw him in the kitchen, hands planted on the counter and looking half furious, half miserably sad.
"You know James," he said, voice low and hurt, "when I ended the conversation, it meant I didn't want to talk about it. It didn't mean 'come over and bother me when you should be home resting'. What are you doing here?"
"I think it's pretty obvious."
"You could've hurt yourself. Go back home."
"And risk hurting myself further? That's not a very good plan."
Sirius glared at him, but his expression still had that edge of being indescribably upset with him. James had no bloody idea why he looked like that, and that's why he was here.
"I'm not leaving until we talk about this."
Sirius swallowed thickly, and even from this distance, James could see his adam's apple bob with the motion. It looked like he was going to say something, so James waited. It took him another minute to figure out what he wanted to say, and his voice was hoarse as he asked, "How'd you find out?"
James blinked. Of all the things he'd expected to hear, that was not one of them. How the hell did Sirius think he knew? There was only one way for him to know, and Sirius wasn't stupid.
"I never told anyone," he continued, staring down at the empty counter with unseeing eyes, "and it's not like you've talked to my parents about it. Did you just- figure it out? I was obvious, right?" He gave a humorless laugh. "Too obvious. There's- there's no way you barely figured it out. You must've known for a while." He swallowed again. "Are you taking Harry?"
James blinked, tried to figure out what the hell he was talking about, then blinked again when nothing came to him. "I have no idea what you're talking about." He walked closer, then pulled the hat off. It felt weird to have his head so uncovered, but it was important for Sirius to see his soulmark. James turned so the mark would be facing Sirius and tapped his finger against it. "I thought I didn't have one."
Sirius blew out a harsh breath. "Yeah that's because you d-" he stopped abruptly. He must have looked up and seen what James was showing him. "What is that," he whispered.
"Soulmark." James glanced at him out of the corner of his eye, then put the hat back on to face him. "I never saw it, obviously. By the time it formed I had hair and I never had any reason to chop it all off." He rubbed at the spot on his head through his hat.
"So- what? You're here to tell me that we should hook up?" Sirius asked incredulously, tears brimming in his eyes. "Did you forget that you're married? You have a family, remember?"
"Lily and I split."
Sirius scoffed. "Right cause that's so much better. Being your soulmate rebound." He wiped harshly at his eyes. "No thanks."
"Months ago. We split before the attack," he added so it made more sense, "months ago."
"You don't want me James," he said, the admittance sounding too much like heartbreak. "You didn't want me before, and you don't want me now. Go back home. Nothing's changed."
"Home is where you are."
Sirius started shaking his head, and when he looked up again, he was angry. He was crying, but he was pissed off. "You're a fucking liar James. I've always needed you a hell of a lot more than you've needed me and everyone's always known that. You moved on. You got buggering married and had a kid, you bought a house, you- and look at me!" he yelled throwing his arms out to gesture to his flat. It was the same one his uncle had given him his last year of Hogwarts, and he'd never bothered to make it truly his. It had his shit in it, and that was it. He didn't redecorate, he hadn't hung up any art or bought a different couch from the one that had been in it since the beginning.
"There was a war, you didn't have time to-"
"I had time," Sirius cut in, expression twisting, "but I kept hoping you'd come back and tell me we should get a place. Getting everything I want, aren't I?"
James walked over and pulled him in a hug.
"What're you doing?" Sirius asked, pushing weakly against him.
"You were making me sad," James mumbled, holding him tighter. "You talk like I don't care about you, and you're a second choice to the family I wanted."
Sirius sniffled and didn't say anything.
"Like I didn't choose you first. Before we got married, Lily, she- she told me that she knew you were first to me. She didn't even care, can you believe that? It's been obvious all along that we weren't going to end up together. Hell, the only reason we got married was because she got pregnant."
"Yeah well. That's great for you." Sirius raised his arms to hug him back and turned his face into James's shoulder.
James sighed, knowing that he'd have to admit something he'd planned on keeping to himself for his entire life, if he wanted Sirius to believe that this wasn't some instant love soulmate bullshit. "I never told you how I felt-"
Sirius snorted, and James ignored that.
"-because I knew you had a soulmate. You told me what it meant to you, and I just- I didn't think I could handle that: having you only to lose you the moment you met them. I thought it was for the best."
"Liar," Sirius said, but it was less accusing than it had been before. "You- you never- it-."
"I love you," James whispered, and the words hung in the air as tangible as an owl.
Sirius shivered. "You can't be kidding, James. Not now, not about this."
"I'm not. I love you, and we don't have to jump into this, but I missed you so buggering much. Not getting to see you every day was torture, please let me stay. Actually," he amended a second later, "you should come home. Me and Lily have missed Harry, and I know you like our place better than this."
"I don't think Lily would be okay with me moving in," Sirius protested, but it was weak; he wanted to be convinced.
"Lily likes you better than me," James said. It was a little strange that that was true. "If I'm still living there, you can definitely live there."
Sirius said, "You're such a prick," but he relaxed against James.