Archive of Our Own ^beta

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"Road trips are the equivalent of human wings. Ask me to go on one, anywhere. We’ll stop in every small town and learn the history and stories, feel the ground and capture the spirit. Then we’ll turn it into our own story that will live inside our history to carry with us, always.

– Victoria Erickson

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“So… what’s something people don’t usually know about you?” 

The second the words escaped Xie Lian’s mouth, he felt the urge to knock his head against the steering wheel. "I searched up an icebreaker question list a few nights ago. It seemed like a better idea at the time.” 

Hua Cheng paused in the process of buckling his seatbelt. And then he burst out laughing, “I did almost the same thing. I looked up discussion topics for road trips. I guess we were both a little nervous.” 

Xie Lian huffed out a breath and grinned along with Hua Cheng. "Well if we're both worried about appearing awkward, then there's no need to be nervous anymore."

Xie Lian pulled out of the university parking lot, their belongings all finally crammed into the trunk and tied to the roof of their car. He glanced briefly at the buildings receding from his rearview mirror. Xie Lian should’ve felt nostalgia, maybe, to see the school he’d dedicated four years of his life to for perhaps the last time. But all he could think about was being alone with his crush for the first time. 

From his few interactions with Hua Cheng at school, he seemed incredibly smart and confident, independent and cool. And he’d always been exceptionally polite to Xie Lian. But Xie Lian didn't know anything about Hua Cheng himself. He’d never had the opportunity and never been brave enough to just strike up a conversation. 

Xie Lian nervously searched for another question to try asking Hua Cheng. “Why are you heading to-”

The phone rang, cutting Xie Lian off. Xie Lian looked apologetically at Hua Cheng, but Hua Cheng only smiled and shook his head, gesturing casually toward the phone. Xie Lian picked it up and felt his smile slip away: “Mom” in big bold letters in the middle of the screen, unavoidable. For a moment, he considered turning his phone off. The urged shamed him, and he quickly accepted the call, holding the phone against his ear with one hand.

“Sweetie, are you on your way home? Were you able to pack everything into the car? You did remember to pack some snacks for the road right?”

“Yes, ma ma, everything’s going fine.” Xie Lian glanced over at Hua Cheng, hoping the call wasn’t bothering him. Hua Cheng was swiping through his own phone, and he looked up to give Xie Lian a friendly smile.

“When do you think you’ll be back? I’ve missed you. It’s been so long since I saw you.” Her voice was, as always, earnest. 

Xie Lian loved that about her, but it also made talking to her difficult at times. She was so sweet to him that it felt impossible to greet her with anything less than perfect pleasantness.

“I… it might take me a little while, ma ma, you know it’s a long drive. And, well, I’ve only just graduated. I think it’d be nice to relax a little along the way. See the sights.” 

Immediately after Xie Lian said it, he felt guilty. Before his mom had said anything, he hurried to soften the blow. “It won’t be for long, though, I promise. Just a little bit.”

Ma ma made a soft humming sound. The undercurrent of concern was clearly audible. “Well… I guess that’s true. I know a lot of kids do- what do they call it? Senior trip? At least you’re heading home.”

Xie Lian hummed noncommittally. “How have you been, ma ma?”

“Oh, you know me. I’ve been fine. I bought a new cookbook the other day. It’s a little hard to follow but very fun.” Her soft voice gained a liveliness when she told him about her adventures with the dishes, and Xie Lian laughed lightly at the right moments. 

Ma ma always felt so steady, like a safe haven. In a world that demanded so very much, ma ma asked Xie Lian for nothing but updates on his life and reassurance that he was happy. He could never seem to deny her that, and so he said he was fine every time, uneasy about lying but not wanting to burden her.

“Do you want to talk to ba ba, ” she said, and before Xie Lian could finish saying, “No, it’s fine!” she had already called for Xie Lian’s dad. 

Xie Lian waited for him to say something, but there was nothing but the crackle of static. 

“ Ba ba, are you there?” Xie Lian murmured, suddenly feeling small. 

A low grunt. Nothing else. 

Frustration prickled under Xie Lian’s skin, along with so many other emotions he didn't know how to make sense of them all. He wanted to say so many things. He said nothing. 

“So what are your plans now?” His dad demanded, voice rolling like thunder in the distance. 

When Xie Lian had been a child, he’d hidden with his dad as storms raged overhead, sure that his dad was stronger than any force that nature could throw at him. Hearing his dad read to him, he’d felt comforted, protected. 

Now, he didn’t know where the lightning in those words would land.

“I’m still thinking about it. I might-”

“Have you submitted any job applications yet?”

“Well, no. But I was talking with-”

“You’re always doing this, always being indecisive. You’re not a child anymore! You can’t just expect the world to fall into your lap! You have to send in applications right now, or-”

“Stop bothering me about it!” Words leapt off Xie Lian’s lips, and no, this was wrong, this wasn’t what he wanted to say. But the hurt anger in him took on a life of its own. “You’re always nagging, always thinking I made the wrong decision. You think you always know the right path to take, but what do you know? It’s not like you’re happy with where your life is now. You’re the last person who should be telling me how to start a good career.” 

Xie Lian regretted it the moment he said it. Why was it always like this now? He couldn’t remember the last time he’d smiled while talking with his dad.

“How can you talk to your father like that?” his dad said, voice rising. “You’re ungrateful – that’s what you are, ungrateful! Do you know how hard we worked to get you into that college? And now you’re just throwing it away. I can’t believe I raised a child like you.”

Xie Lian’s hand clenched around the phone. He hoped, so badly, that his dad didn't truly mean that. But he didn’t know.

In the background, he heard his mom’s voice. “Honey, honey, please don’t be angry.” 

He couldn’t let her hear any more of this. 

“I need to focus on driving,” he said, voice tight, working hard to keep the roaring wave of retorts in him locked away. “I’ll be back next week.” 

Next week at the earliest, Xie Lian thought, promising himself to draw out the already long drive. Angry rebellion rose in him, even though it wouldn’t help anything.

Xie Lian hung up more frantically than he wished to admit, cutting off his dad’s response. His chest heaved. Talking with his parents was supposed to be a joyful thing. 

But there were a lot of things that were supposed to be. He was supposed to be on his way to an illustrious career. He was supposed to be a good son. 

He was supposed to be happy. 

Hua Cheng shifted next to him, crossing his legs again. Xie Lian looked over at him, palms sweaty, fingertips cold. He’d forgotten Hua Cheng was there. 

“I’m really sorry you had to hear that,” Xie Lian said, a pit forming in his stomach. His first chance to make an impression on Hua Cheng, and he’d spent it exploding with anger. 

“No worries,” Hua Cheng said with a laugh. “I get it. The last time I had an argument with my parents over the phone, we yelled at each other for 10 minutes while I was sitting in the school cafeteria. When I looked up everyone was staring at me. You know how Chinese already sounds harsh to people who aren’t used to hearing it—I must have sounded like I was about to flip over my table.”

Xie Lian laughed and nodded, so relieved he actually felt a little dizzy. Maybe he hadn’t ruined everything. 

"Do you speak Chinese with your parents sometimes?" Hua Cheng asked.

Xie Lian laughed sheepishly. "My Mandarin isn't super great. I was born here and I'm one of those kids who didn't really keep up with the language. My parents usually speak Chinese to me. I reply in English. It's kind of weird isn't it?"

"Not at all. Seems like it happens pretty often."

“My mom said I actually only spoke Chinese until I was two years old. But then I started preschool, so I guess I got used to only speaking English.”

“Hm, it must feel strange to have been fluent as a kid but not be fluent now.” Hua Cheng said. “It sounds like you still use a little bit of Chinese, though. Is it okay if I call you ge ge since you’re older than me? If it doesn’t feel too weird.” 

Xie Lian blushed a little, pleased at Hua Cheng’s familiarity. “Sure, that’s totally fine! It reminds me of visiting my little cousins in China. Since I don’t speak Chinese well, though, and they don’t speak English much, it’s a little hard to get to know them. Actually, it makes it awkward to speak to any of my relatives.”

“You’ve met a lot of your relatives?”

“Most of them, yes. I wouldn’t say I know them very well though. I have a cousin who’s almost the same age as me. Maybe we could’ve almost been brothers if we’d grown up together. But every time we’ve met, we haven’t known what to say to each other."

 Xie Lian maneuvered out of the packed street, finally entering onto the highway. His map app resounded through the car speakers – “Go straight for 500 miles.”

“To be honest, it can be hard to speak to relatives, even when you speak the same language as them,” Hua Cheng said. He smiled wide at Xie Lian, lounging casually against the car door. Xie Lian laughed quietly, appreciating Hua Cheng’s efforts to connect with him. He tried to think back to what he knew about Hua Cheng, searching for how to keep the conversation going. 

Now that he thought about it, this was the first time they’d had a full, casual conversation together, wasn’t it? Xie Lian had had a few classes with Hua Cheng. He’d even been in a large group project with him, sneaking glances every time they sat close to each other. 

Xie Lian frequently caught glimpses of Hua Cheng while walking around campus—he stood out, unique among the crowd. Hua Cheng switched up his style frequently, sometimes wearing crimson vests and glittering black earrings, sometimes wearing a dark red sweater on top of a collared white shirt—Xie Lian had gotten lost in many daydreams wondering if that sweater felt as soft as it looked. But no matter what Hua Cheng wore, his outfits always displayed a bold expressiveness. Hua Cheng seemed so confident, and Xie Lian admired that deeply.  

Xie Lian always felt inexplicably excited when he was near Hua Cheng. When Hua Cheng had answered his Facebook posting for a road trip partner to cut down on gas and take turns driving, Xie Lian told himself it didn’t mean anything. 

But secretly, he’d been overjoyed. Xie Lian’s mind scattered, now, to be so close to him.

“How about you, Hua Cheng, did you speak English a lot with your family? I know you grew up in China, right? But your English is so fluent.”

“Oh no, not with my family,” Hua Cheng laughed. “I studied hard at English in school, took a lot of classes online. I didn’t come to the US until college started, but I’ve actually been wanting to move out of China since I was a kid.”

“Oh really?” Xie Lian said, surprised. To him, the US was just the country he’d grown up in. He didn’t feel much connection to it. Sometimes he found himself wishing he’d grown up with his relatives in China instead—a family of people to confide in, a culture he firmly belonged to. “What made you want to come to the States?”

Hua Cheng fished through one of his bags, pulling out a bottle of water. The summer sun was heating up the inside of the car. “I just wanted to leave my old life, I guess. Anywhere would’ve been fine.”

Xie Lian took the water bottle that Hua Cheng offered, smiling at the already screwed off top. “I think I know what you mean. Most of my friends from high school stayed in the same city, went to the same universities. I went to the opposite coast because I knew I couldn’t grow if I stayed. I wanted a new life.”

The car hurtled down the highway, passing through the city limits. The traffic around them gradually thinned, leaving only the open road. 

“But now, I guess I have to go back.”

The summer sun bore down on them relentlessly. They opened the windows to alleviate some of the stifling heat, and the wind rushed wildly through the car. For a while it’d felt they’d been driving through one continuous city for hours, the gas stations and concrete buildings endless. But now, the road was lined on either side by a forest of tall, thin trees which occasionally opened up around small farms. His conversation with Hua Cheng had dissolved into idle road trip games. 

“Oh, I see cows. 1, 2, 3, 4… 168! Oh, and a lake. I drown your cows, Hua Cheng! Now I have more than you.”

“Wow, you’re good at this. And just think, an hour ago you were still talking about how weird this game is.”

“Wait a second, I saw you looking in that direction. Why didn’t you drown my cows?”

“No idea what you’re talking about, ge ge.”

They didn’t stop for lunch that day. When noon came around, Hua Cheng unbuckled his seat belt and stretched to reach their bags in the back. His back muscles shifted under his shirt and the scent of cologne washed over Xie Lian. He kept his eyes firmly on the road as his heart did an excited little tap dance in his chest. 

Hua Cheng pulled the container of boiled eggs back to the front. He cracked two against the plastic paneling next to the gear stick and began to peel them. 

Xie Lian waved a free hand frantically. “No, no, I can do mine. I’ve peeled with one hand before. I mean, it might not be the best, but eating a few pieces of egg shell won’t kill me.” 

Hua Cheng shook his head, sparing Xie Lian a cheeky grin before turning intently back to the egg. 

“ Ge ge deserves only the best.” 

Xie Lian pulse raced. "Th-thanks Hua Cheng.”

After a few long minutes, Hua Cheng presented the egg. It was perfectly peeled, not a single tear marring the shiny surface. Xie Lian reached out to take it. Just as he was about to thank Hua Cheng, it slipped from his fingers. 

“Oh, no!” Xie Lian gasped, reaching down to grab it without thinking. The car behind them honked as he swerved a little. He sat up again, one hand firmly on the wheel and the other holding the egg. It was covered in bits of dirt, hair, and mysterious orange specks. 

“I’m sorry.” Xie Lian exclaimed. “I can still eat it!” 

Xie Lian brought the egg near his lips. He barely registered a yelled out, “Wait, no, ge ge!” before the egg was knocked from his grasp and flew out the open window. 

He turned just in time to see the egg bounce off the window of the car that was passing them. 

He accidentally made eye contact with the driver, and quickly assumed the most apologetic expression he could muster. The other driver’s responding look was comically infuriated as she drove quickly ahead of them. 

Xie Lian looked back at Hua Cheng, whose eyes were wide. They sat in silence for a beat, and then Xie Lian sighed. “Well, I definitely can’t eat the egg anymore.” 

Hua Cheng burst into laughter. Little snorting sounds escaped him, and he banged his palm hysterically against the dashboard. Xie Lian blinked at him. Then he started laughing, too—quiet and breathy at first, but slowly building until the car was resounding with their laughter. 

Through tears of hilarity, Xie Lian saw white shapes blurring by Hua Cheng’s window. “More cows!” Xie Lian announced, and Hua Cheng doubled over with helpless giggles. 

“There’s only one room left, queen-sized bed.” The person at the front desk eyed the two of them. “There’s always the ground, too. Up to you.”

It was only the first night, and they’d already encountered their first hurdle. The town was small because they hadn’t planned precisely where they wanted to stop, just driving peacefully onward until the sky began to grow into dusk. And because the town was small, it had very few motels available.

Xie Lian glanced at Hua Cheng, uncertain. He himself didn’t mind at all. But he wasn’t sure yet how Hua Cheng felt about decorum and appearances, privacy and personal space. In many ways, being on the road together was like being roommates, except that they were constantly around each other. Xie Lian found it soothing, to have such a steady companion along for the ride. But he didn’t want Hua Cheng to get tired of him, or annoyed by the inconveniences of the journey.

“It’s okay Hua Cheng, you can take this room. I’ll find somewhere else. And if nothing else, the car isn’t bad,” Xie Lian suggested.

Hua Cheng glanced at him, mouth twisted into a frown. Was he displeased?

“No, it’s better that we stick together.” Hua Cheng leaned closer and grinned playfully, “even if you kick me in your sleep.”

At this, Xie Lian laughed, the tension fading from his chest. He shoved lightly at Hua Cheng, pulling out his wallet and laughing under his breath. “Don't be silly, I’m a perfect bed partner.”

Xie Lian froze, and Hua Cheng raised one eyebrow, an amused smirk still on his face. Xie Lian sputtered, a candle flame flickering wildly in the wind. 

“No no, I m-meant, that’s, I mean-“ 

Hua Cheng coughed, hiding his growing grin with his hand. With his other hand, he pulled out his wallet and handed his credit card to the employee. Xie Lian hurried out of the lobby the moment they got their room card, not daring to look at the employee. Hua Cheng followed behind, footsteps slow and steady.

“ Ge ge, it’s okay. No need to be embarrassed.” 

They stood in front of the door as Xie Lian tried to slide the card again and again, somehow missing every time. When it finally beeped open, Xie Lian dashed in, covering his face. 

Hua Cheng followed in behind, still chuckling, and tossed his backpack onto the bed. “Xie Lian, you should’ve seen the guy’s face. It was like his face didn’t know what expression it wanted to make.”

Xie Lian could tell Hua Cheng was trying to joke around to lighten the mood, and so he took a deep breath, trying to settle down the bits of him that had been knocked loose. 

He sat on the bed and looked around the room. It was small, dusty brown all around. Just enough room for the bed and one small round desk. 

Hua Cheng flopped down next to where Xie Lian was sitting on the bed, completely relaxed. He laid on his side and looked up at Xie Lian, head propped up with one arm.

Xie Lian glanced back at Hua Cheng, and, seeing how warm his expression was, finally felt the last dredges of heat evaporate from his cheeks.  

Xie Lian sighed. “Sorry I’m such an embarrassment Hua Cheng.”   

Hua Cheng shook his head firmly. “I don’t think you’re embarrassing at all Xie Lian.”

Xie Lian smiled down at him. “Well, if you say so.” 

He looked up at the ceiling thoughtfully. Shadows cast from the floor all the way to the ceiling, the lamplight barely illuminating the room. Cozy. 

“It’s been a pretty nice day, hasn’t it? I like that we only had to worry about driving, and nothing else. It’s nice, to not have to worry so much. It’s like usual life can’t touch us when we’re moving.”

Hua Cheng nodded. “I’ve been enjoying it, too. We have so much time to talk to each other.”

Comforting silence reigned for a moment as they looked at each other. Then, in the corner of his eye, Xie Lian saw the dim red glow of the bedside clock.

“Oh, I didn’t realize it was so late already! Would you like to shower first, Hua Cheng?”

Hua Cheng rose from the bed, movements languid. “Sure, if you’re fine with it.”

The sound of the shower was a comforting white noise. The sheet covers were as thin as the bedsheets. After searching the closet for more and coming up empty, Xie Lian shrugged and laid their jackets on top of the sheets. 

The white lamp cover seemed thinner than paper, translucent in the light. Xie Lian wondered at its ability to not catch fire. Xie Lian sat at the desk, looking out the window at the quiet street below. A single street light flickered. No one was out.

When Hua Cheng came, enveloped in steam and rubbing at his wet hair, Xie Lian switched with him. And then finally, they both stood next to bed. Xie Lian glanced between it and Hua Cheng, trying to gauge what Hua Cheng was thinking but unable to. And so he simply asked, “I can sleep on the floor? I don’t mind at all.”

“No no,” Hua Cheng shook his head vigorously and crossed his arms. “No, I can sleep on the floor, I don’t mind.”

Xie Lian found himself wanting to laugh. Hua Cheng looked almost like a pouting child, mouth set into a firm frown, looking like he was about to just kneel straight onto the ground right there to prevent Xie Lian from sleeping on the ground. They couldn’t possibly both sleep on the ground when there was a perfectly fine bed.

“Alright, alright,” Xie Lian chuckled helplessly. “Oh, it’s fine I guess. Let’s just both sleep on the bed. I mean, we’re both men, it’s not anything strange.”

At this, Hua Cheng’s expression suddenly shifted. His frown deepened and his arms tightened across his chest. He opened his mouth, closed it. Opened it again hesitantly. He stood up straight and strong, but kept his eyes trained on the wall, away from Xie Lian.

“I actually… I don’t know if it changes anything, I wouldn’t do anything ge ge, but I should be honest… I like men.”

Xie Lian’s heart jolted, but not for the reasons Hua Cheng might be afraid of. Beautiful, handsome Hua Cheng—the man Xie Lian couldn't seem to pull his eyes away from—liked men.

“It doesn’t change anything,” Xie Lian replied with as much sincerity as he could infuse into his voice. “I trust you. You've treated me with nothing but respect and kindness. So I don’t think there’s a problem at all. I just didn’t want you to feel uncomfortable. If you ever feel uncomfortable later, please just say so.” 

Xie Lian leaned closer, trying to catch Hua Cheng’s eyes. “I never want to make you feel like you have to force yourself.”

Hua Cheng looked at him, eyes wide. And then inch by inch, he lowered his tightly crossed arms. His face cleared, too, the tight lines loosening like cloth sliding free from pin needles. 

Xie Lian blushed a little at the words falling from his own mouth. Maybe Xie Lian was being a little too honest, a little too vulnerable. But if he could prevent Hua Cheng from carrying that heavy weight, then he’d bare as much of his thoughts as necessary.

“And besides,” Xie Lian continued. This time it was his turn to look away. “I’m… well, I’m not exactly sure what I am, but I also like men. I think. Maybe it’s strange that I don’t know exactly, but…” 

Xie Lian thought he understood even a tiny bit of what Hua Cheng might’ve been feeling before. Xie Lian didn’t think Hua Cheng would react negatively at all. He didn't think Hua Cheng was that kind of person. But still, there was a worry in the back of his mind that this person who he admired would somehow look at him differently.

When Xie Lian looked back, though, he saw only the same warm expression that Hua Cheng always seemed to have around him.

 “It’s not strange at all,” Hua Cheng replied. “You don’t ever need to know exactly, and you definitely don’t have to explain yourself to others if you don't want to. Besides, people change all the time. You don't have to have a clear-cut label."

Xie Lian felt the words seep through his skin and into his thrumming veins. He sat down onto the bed, patting the space next to him, and Hua Cheng sat down, too. The heat drifting from Hua Cheng was comforting, like a hearth fire.

Hua Cheng’s expression was calm and patient. Xie Lian didn't feel pressured at all. He had never had a chance to talk openly about his sexuality like this, and part of him was embarrassed. But most of him felt free, like a newborn bird making its first leap out of the nest. 

"I didn't really think about it until recently," Xie Lian admitted. "I don't know, I just thought romance would come later in my life, I guess, or it might never come. So I never thought about it. And sex..." 

At this, Xie Lian coughed and looked up at Hua Cheng again, worried that he was overstepping. But Hua Cheng's expression hadn't changed at all, still friendly. 

Sex usually felt taboo to Xie Lian—a topic that only ever made him feel uncomfortable and kept him separate from other people. In front of Hua Cheng, though, it just felt like another part of himself. 

"Sex is also something I thought might never happen for me. But now I’ve started wondering how it might feel. Just sometimes. I imagine how it might feel to be-" He cleared his throat. "I wonder what it'd feel like to be in love," he continued, "and what sex might be like with someone I trust." Xie Lian squeezed at the pillow next to him. How was it possible that he felt more anxious about romance than about sex?

Hua Cheng nodded. "It's good that you're figuring out more about what you want." 

Xie Lian returned his smile, fingers loosening their tight grip on the pillow. "Yes, it does make me feel more in touch with myself. It's like I've settled into my skin a bit better. I don't know if I'll ever have sex, but it's a whole new possibility that I'd never thought about before, you know, and I like that."

Hua Cheng leaned back against the headboard, face contemplative. "I think I know what you mean," Hua Cheng responded. "It can be overwhelming but also exciting." 

Hua Cheng looked like he was lost in his thoughts, and Xie Lian watched him quietly for a moment. He looked so serious with the lamp light stretching shadows across his face. Serious, and incredibly handsome. 

Hua Cheng hummed under his breath and stretched his legs out in front of him, seemingly stepping back into the present. The space between his eyebrows creased. "I hope I didn't make you feel uncomfortable, bringing up sexuality like that."  

Xie Lian laughed softly and placed a hand on Hua Cheng's arm. "Not at all. I've actually been wanting to talk with someone about that stuff for a while. If anything, you've given me some hope that if I ever have sex it won't be a disaster. Maybe whoever it is will be as patient with me as you are."

Hua Cheng laughed, small dimples forming on his cheeks. His other hand lifted to cover Xie Lian's. "You deserve the most wonderful first time, ge ge. I hope whoever it is will make you happy."

Xie Lian’s heart pounded. He was caught between making an excuse to leave the room and leaning closer. 

After a few breaths, Xie Lian simply said, a little breathless, “It’s getting late. Why don’t we go to bed?” 

Hua Cheng nodded, still smiling sweetly, and laid down on one side of the bed. Xie Lian twisted the lamp knob and the room was thrown into darkness. He nestled down into the bed, pulling the blankets firmly over his shoulders. It was warm under the blankets with a person lying next to him.

His skin was hypersensitive. Every time Hua Cheng shifted his weight, Xie Lian couldn’t help but notice. 

Xie Lian didn’t feel uncomfortable, only a little breathless against the warmth flickering to life in his chest. He didn’t know if he’d ever felt quite this way before. He’d cradle the sensation close to him for now—his own private little candlelight. And if the fire found more kindling as they continued on their trip, then maybe…

“Good night, ge ge.”

“Good night, Hua Cheng.”

The weather changed as they drove day by day. There was a cold front somewhere, and it was unclear if they were chasing after it, hanging onto the tailcoats of a weather system, or if the cold was coming toward them, a slow and inexorable giant. 

The land stretching ahead of them was huge. It was countries within a country. And for now, Xie Lian was only a visitor. The “Welcome to ___” signs, bookmarks in their journey, were so numerous that they blurred in his mind.  

Far above birds flew in neatly tidied V’s. They knew exactly where they wanted to go, knew exactly how to get there. For them, there was no need to question. But the blankness of the road gave Xie Lian time to question, and he was glad for it. 

His thoughts drifted from the corners of his mind and washed over him. There was something satisfying about the reshuffling of his mind—a kind of belated spring cleaning.

He and Hua Cheng had lapsed into comfortable silence. There was only so long that Xie Lian could maintain self-consciousness and a shy hyper-awareness. Now it was just two people existing in the same space together, interspersed with idle comments about amusing signs on the side of the road or keeping up with their road games when they remembered to. 

The road was straight on this stretch of land, almost no curves, no need for his mind to turn back on. Approaching on the right there was a mass of white. He quickly tapped Hua Cheng’s shoulder, waking him from his quiet sketching. 

It was a solid mass of birds. "I've never seen so many birds before!" Xie Lian said to Hua Cheng, voice bright. Belatedly, he wondered if it was too much. But Hua Cheng smiled back and, with just as much excitement, identified them as snow geese and started listing facts that he knew about them. 

Xie Lian was surprised. “You didn’t study birds at school, or ecology, right? Why do you know so much about them? It’s amazing. Your head is like an encyclopedia.” 

“I like to know things,” Hua Cheng replied. “I like to know facts about the world, in case it can help me in the future, or help someone else.”

The warmth in Xie Lian’s chest flickered and brightened. He smiled gently at Hua Cheng. “I think that’s wonderful.”

Xie Lian gazed out at the flock as they passed it. A sign flashed by: “Next pit stop in 118 miles.” He felt like he could travel down these endless roads forever. It was just a feeling, and he knew he needed to return to real life. There were things he wanted to do, wanted to accomplish. 

But for now, with Hua Cheng’s low voice murmuring next to him, he felt like he could go on seeing the world forever. 

The heat of the sky filled the car. The leather seats were wet. Perspiration was just a normal bodily function—just water sucked across cell walls by sodium and imbalance—but it culminated in a stickiness that made Xie Lian not want to touch anything but open air. 

He looked at the birds overhead and wished for flight. 

“We need air.” 

Hua Cheng nodded vigorously along to Xie Lian’s suggestion, wiping his face and neck with the hem of the loose white tank top he put on a few hours ago. 

Flashes of slick skin caught Xie Lian’s attention. Xie Lian blushed and looked away, getting out of the car the moment it was parked. 

It was a small town—the kind whose longest street was called “Main Street.” He followed the signs for the nearest source of air conditioning. 

There was a festival sprawled from one end of Main Street to the other. Musicians played at the corner of every block and store windows displayed their discounts for the special day.

They entered a thrift shop idly, and then got sucked into a playful game of dress-up. Xie Lian held a pair of enormous hoop earrings up against the light. 

“ Ge ge, are your ears pierced?” Hua Cheng said, flicking at the hoops. 

“Yeah, I got them done a few years ago. It’s silly, but I actually felt really daring at the time,” Xie Lian said with a laugh. He didn’t say that it’d mostly been because he’d admired the studs he always saw glinting at Hua Cheng’s ears. He’d wanted to feel closer to him, even if it was only in this small way. 

Hua Cheng drifted over to the clothing racks and pulled on a bright red cloak. He glanced at Xie Lian over his shoulder and grinned before doing a little spin.

“What do you think?”

Xie Lian replied enthusiastically, “It looks great!”

Hua Cheng pulled on a huge black trench coat and a white top hat and did a jaunty bow.

Xie Lian laughed and exclaimed again, “It looks great!”

Maybe sensing he had an appreciative audience, Hua Cheng carried on trying new outfits, pulling clothes off the racks left and right. Xie Lian noticed how certain colors would bring out his eyes, or how every shape seemed to accentuate his wiry arms and the line of his legs. He ooh-ed and ahh-ed at every new style that hung on his wide hips and his angular shoulders.

Hua Cheng was laughing as he readjusted the ornamented belt around his waist and the matching gold earrings. Between each puffing breath, he squeezed out, “What are you saying ‘great’ so much for! It’s not like every outfit looks good.”

Xie Lian shook his head. “No, no I really mean it! Hua Cheng, everything looks great when you’re wearing it.”

At this, Hua Cheng stopped and rubbed at his neck, trying to hide the pleased smile blossoming across his face.

Hua Cheng turned abruptly to the rack again and pulled out a t-shirt, throwing it on before Xie Lian could see it. He said triumphantly, “You can’t possibly think this one is great,” then turned around with one hand casually on his hip and a smirk on his lips.

The front of the white shirt had a full-sized graphic of sculpted abs and pecs. A six-pack. On a t-shirt. 

Xie Lian opened his mouth and then closed it again, turning around to hide his face. He bent over and, unable to hold it in anymore, started giggling uncontrollably.

“What- ahaha, it looks- it looks great!”

He laughed so much that tears were starting to form. Hua Cheng walked around him, brushing against his side in the tiny aisle, and leaned down to look at Xie Lian. 

Hua Cheng’s cheeks were flushed, his smile wide. And then from out of nowhere, he pulled out a huge sun hat with an enormous sunflower and placed it firmly onto Xie Lian’s head.

Xie Lian caught a glimpse of himself in a nearby mirror, and for a moment he thought it was someone else. He'd never worn something this eye-catching before. 

He blushed, but at the same time the sight brought on another wave of hysterical laughter. He looked at Hua Cheng, unable to articulate exactly why he felt this way. 

Hua Cheng bit his lip, and then burst out with laughter, too. They clung to each other in that dusty old shop, light with joy. Xie Lian felt a warmth that was almost as bright as what he’d felt around close friends in the past—similar, but somehow different.

When the clocks in a nearby antique shop started ringing in unison, they calmed down and started to get ready to leave. As Hua Cheng brought his small mound of clothes to the cashier and paid for them, red shone from one of the jewelry displays in the corner of Xie Lian’s eye.

“Why don’t you go to the bathroom first?” Xie Lian urged, holding his hands out. “I’ll hold onto your bags for now.” 

The moment Hua Cheng left, Xie Lian grabbed the box from the display and paid for it, shoving it deep into his pocket seconds before Hua Cheng came back. 

All the way back to the car, Xie Lian’s hand clenched around the box as he chatted with Hua Cheng, uncertainty and excitement mixing into directionless electricity hovering under this skin.   

Evening fell quickly, and they were surprised to find that the town’s motel had no vacancies. They decided that they were too tired to drive through the night, and went back to Main Street to find a place to sit for a few hours. They ducked into the first shadowed bar they found, and Xie Lian immediately regretted the decision. Throbbing lights whipped around the room, blinding him every few seconds. The music was less of a sound and more of a painful kick to the chest. He glanced at Hua Cheng. 

Xie Lian didn't know exactly what Hua Cheng enjoyed. Hua Cheng had always seemed so cool and calm, a popular bad boy persona exuding from his distant figure. But now that they'd been traveling together for a few days, Xie Lian could see that Hua Cheng was a normal person. Still impressive, still all sly wit and a smooth conversation partner. But also funny and steady and the kind of person who snored really very loudly in the car. Xie Lian didn't know, though, if Hua Cheng liked explosively loud bars.

Xie Lian had to lean up to Hua Cheng's ears and shout to be heard. His lips brushed against Hua Cheng's ear and he used a hand on Hua Cheng's shoulder to pull himself up. Hua Cheng's shoulder tensed. Xie Lian hoped his yelling wasn't hurting Hua Cheng's ears.

"Do you want to stay here?!!" 

Hua Cheng shook his head and pulled Xie Lian gently by the wrist back the way they came. The abrupt change from roaring to silence was jarring. It made every small sound hyper-real. 

Hua Cheng smiled at Xie Lian, hand still around his wrist, and leaned in close. "I can't hear you in there. What’s the point in staying?”

Xie Lian's face became hot, his heart aching like he'd been kicked in the chest. Those words could be anything: a simple statement, a joke about the overwhelming noisiness of the club. And yet, somehow, it felt like there was more than that behind it. 

The misty air was heavy on his skin. The lone streetlight threw Hua Cheng's face into shadow and light. It felt like a movie reel to be replayed over and over once Xie Lian was alone again.

 The roaring of a car broke the moment and Xie Lian turned away to hide his expression.

“Let’s… let’s go a little farther and see if there’s somewhere quieter.” Xie Lian took a few slow steps away and looked back to see if Hua Cheng would follow. Hua Cheng seemed to hesitate for a moment, but then turned and started walking alongside him.

Walking down the still street, just the two of them, felt intimate. Xie Lian could hear Hua Cheng’s every breath and somehow his thoughts were drawn again and again to the sensation of Hua Cheng’s warm breath tickling against his ear. 

Xie Lian wondered what Hua Cheng would think if he knew the effect he had on Xie Lian. He wondered what Hua Cheng thought of him at all. 

Not long after, they found another small establishment with a neon sign, though this one had just one letter flickering faintly. The outside was damp and gritty, but once they entered, they found that the bar inside was pleasantly warm and softly lit with amber light.

A scratchy slow jazz melody drifted from the corner where an old record player, bronze and worn with care, sat on a tilting shelf. Xie Lian smiled to see it. There were only four people inside, a few of them murmuring with each other periodically and then looking back at their drinks with pensive gazes.

Xie Lian and Hua Cheng sat at the bar, one seat down from a middle-aged Asian woman with waist-length hair. Xie Lian glanced over at her, not realizing until then that he hadn’t seen another Asian person in the town all day. The bartender approached and asked for their order.  

Xie Lian glanced at Hua Cheng awkwardly. “Oh, I… I don’t drink.”

Hua Cheng shrugged, an easy smile back on his lips. The hesitation outside the dance club was only a faint memory. 

“That's fine, we don’t need to drink. How about a soda?”

Xie Lian hesitated again. “Ah, I don’t really drink soda either.”

Hua Cheng smiled still. “Two waters then,” and slid the bartender a tip. The bartender didn't seem to mind either way, and grabbed them the cups. 

Xie Lian moved his fingers along the glass, feeling the slickness of the condensation. “You’re really okay with just walking around until dawn Hua Cheng? I’m sorry we can’t sleep much tonight.”

“It’s no problem at all. One night of being a bit tired doesn’t bother me. We can just go see if the motel has any spots open in the morning and rest for a bit then.”

“Hello there,” came a voice suddenly from their left. The Asian woman Xie Lian had noticed when they first came in tilted her head in greeting. “I didn’t mean to intrude. I overheard that you don’t have anywhere to stay tonight?” 

Xie Lian nodded, even as he saw Hua Cheng cross his arms in the corner of his eye. To be sure, Xie Lian tended to not seek out strangers. Asking Hua Cheng to come on this trip with him had already been a new experience for him, and he’d at least known of Hua Cheng. But he didn’t shy away from strangers, either. 

This woman’s voice matched the dim-lit bar, with its quiet music and quieter patrons. He found himself trusting her, though he wasn’t sure why. 

“You are welcome to stay at my home if you don’t feel too uncomfortable.”

 She said it simply. None of the words had any pressure behind them. 

“No, no, we couldn’t possibly intrude on you!” Xie Lian replied, waving his hands. 

“It’s a common problem for people passing through,” she replied. “We only have two motels in town, and my friend’s closed recently for renovations.” She tilted her head to the side. “I promise it’s no trouble. And you don’t need to pay.” 

“We can’t possibly not pay!” Xie Lian said. 

“Well, help me carry these home, then," she said. “And we can at least have some tea together.”

Before he knew it, Xie Lian was carrying an armful of groceries, walking down the street. He concentrated on keeping the eggs balanced on top, and Hua Cheng hefted a bag of rice on his back. The woman silently guided them down the street, shifting the milk jug and plastic bags between her hands. 

It wasn’t until they stopped in front of a narrow, aged house with a garden in the front that she said, “Oh, I suppose I should introduce myself. My name is Yushi Huang.” The front door swung open, revealing a woman with a stern expression. 

“And that,” Yushi Huang continued, “Is my wife, Ling Wen.” 

Xie Lian’s eyes widened. He’d never met a married gay couple before, let alone an Asian one. His heart lifted to see the way the crease between Ling Wen’s brows disappeared as she moved to help Yushi Huang with her bags. 

Then she turned her gaze on him and Hua Cheng, and the crease returned instantly, her expression even darker than before. 

“Huang-er,” Ling Wen said as she crossed her arms. “We can’t keep picking up strays like this.” 

 Hua Cheng bristled but didn't say anything. Xie Lian understood Ling Wen’s concerns. They were strangers to the women, after all. Yushi Huang’s generosity went above and beyond to even invite them here. 

“Just some tea for now,” Yushi Huang said, brushing her hand along Ling Wen’s arm. When she leaned up to kiss her in greeting, Xie Lian looked away, feeling like he was intruding. He’d never even seen his own parents kiss before.

Ling Wen sighed, already walking side by side with Yushi Huang up to the porch. At the doorway, she turned back. “Well? Are you coming or not?” she said and headed in without another word. 

Xie Lian hurried in with the bags, setting them carefully on the floor of the narrow hallway. Xie Lian quickly set his shoes on the shoe rack at the side. Hua Cheng walked in at a more leisurely pace and followed suit. When he closed the door, the interior seemed to brighten. 

Yushi Huang leaned out from the single open doorway on the side of the hallway. “You can leave the groceries there. Go ahead and sit in the living room,” she said, gesturing toward the end of the hallway and then disappearing again. The white carpeted floor quietened Xie Lian's footsteps. As he passed by, he saw a glimpse of a small kitchen.  

The living room was small but well cared for. A small table was placed in front of the couch, and books lined an enormous bookshelf on one side of the wall, which seemed to range from English children’s books to Chinese texts on philosophy and history. Another small hallway led down to another few doors, shadowed without the hallway lights on. 

Xie Lian sat down on the couch and then jolted when Hua Cheng sank down next to him, their thighs just barely touching, their shoulders brushing. 

He hadn’t realized Hua Cheng had been following so closely behind. He wondered if he should lean away but decided against it. Xie Lian guiltily savored the warmth, not moving closer but not moving farther away either. 

Yushi Huang came out of the kitchen with a plate of teacups and sunflower seeds and set them down on the table. Ling Wen followed with two wooden chairs from the kitchen and placed them on the other side of the table. She sat down, mirroring Hua Cheng’s crossed arms and legs as Yushi Huang started pouring tea for all of them. 

“So where have you been on your trip so far?” Yushi Huang said between her graceful movements. Xie Lian hurried to respond, glad for something to break the silence. 

As he spoke, Yushi Huang responded to everything he said with a small smile. Even when she directed a question at Hua Cheng and he responded with a short, terse answer, her expression never changed, as if nothing could phase her or push her into discomfort. 

They sipped their tea slowly, the distinctive floral scent of jasmine curling into the air. It reminded Xie Lian of movie nights with his parents. Every time his mom got up to make more tea, Xie Lian would join her in the small kitchen while she waited for the water to boil. Then he would help her carry the cups back to the living room, chatting with her all the while. 

Xie Lian watched Ling Wen crack a sunflower seed with her teeth. “Oh, my parents do that, too! I’ve always wanted to learn how to do it, but I’ve never been able to get the hang of it.” Ling Wen smiled faintly at him and squeezed the shell between her thumb and index finger so that it fanned out to reveal the seed in the middle. 

“Yes, yes, just like that!”

Hua Cheng laughed and reached over for a handful of the sunflower seeds. “It’s not so hard, ge ge. Here, bite down with your back teeth like this. Not too hard, though.” Hua Cheng’s tongue peeked out between his teeth a little as he demonstrated, and Xie Lian tried desperately to not blush. 

Yushi Huang was the best at spreading the sections of the shell apart, and rows of flower-shaped shells appeared under her light touch. Before he knew it, Xie Lian found himself relaxing into the couch. Hua Cheng began to interject with his own comments, laughing with a cheeky grin. Ling Wen even smiled a few times.

“Are your parents from China, Xie Lian?” Yushi Huang asked. When he nodded, she continued, “When did they move here?”

“I think around their mid-20s. So, maybe 30 years ago? My dad wanted to go to college here. He got a scholarship, and after a few years, they saved enough money for my mom to come along with him. He wanted to be a professor.” Xie Lian’s voice grew smaller. “Although, that didn’t exactly work out.” 

Yushi Huang hummed sympathetically. “Yes, that does happen sometimes. I was a bit younger when I immigrated here—in high school, even younger than you two. But Ling Wen actually also came here when she was 26 to be a professor. She's been doing research for the Asian Studies department at a nearby university for almost ten years now. She's worked very hard for the position.”

“I got lucky,” Ling Wen said with a shrug. “Most of my colleagues who came to the US worked just as hard but didn't get the same chance. And, well, the university recently found out I was married to a woman. They're reducing my funding, although they won’t admit what the real reason is.”

A teacup clinked loudly against the table. Xie Lian turned toward Hua Cheng and saw that his fists were clenched tight. “Isn’t it…” Hua Cheng said, his voice slightly rough. “Isn’t it supposed to be better here, though?” 

Yushi Huang placed a gentle hand over Hua Cheng’s. “Yes, in some ways same-sex couples are treated better in the US than in China. There are still problems, though.” Her other hand threaded through Ling Wen’s fingers. “But we’ve been able to build a good life here together. I don’t regret coming to the States.” 

Hua Cheng stared at the two womans’ linked hands, and a small smile bloomed over his face. 

When they finished the tea, Yushi Huang reminded them of her earlier offer—they could sleep on the couch and an inflatable mattress. Xie Lian glanced at Hua Cheng, and they both nodded. There was something about her presence that made every step feel easy, like all was right with the world. 

Xie Lian moved to clean up the cups but stopped when Yushi Huang shook her head with a small smile. Xie Lian sat, watching her and Ling Wen clean up. They moved around each other with ease, like they’d been in each other’s orbits for eons. 

They’re like us, Xie Lian thought without thinking. 

He jolted, shocked at his own audacity. Xie Lian glanced at Hua Cheng, blushing furiously, as if Hua Cheng would look over and somehow sense the outrageous thought that had crossed his mind.

They’d only known each other for a week. Perhaps they’d known of each other for years, but that added up to very little in substance. It was really only these past few days that they had started to get to know one another at all. And now he was jumping ahead of himself—so far ahead it embarrassed him to even think about it. 

When Yushi Huang brought in the inflatable mattress, Hua Cheng insisted that Xie Lian should have the couch. Yushi Huang patted Hua Cheng’s arm lightly and beamed at him. Hua Cheng returned the smile sheepishly, seeming pleased. 

Xie Lian burrowed into the couch, which was more comfortable than he’d expected. Hua Cheng turned off the lights and settled into the inflatable mattress. He fell asleep quickly, probably tired from the long drive. 

But Xie Lian stayed up late into the night, thinking about how nice it might be to live in an apartment with Hua Cheng. 

When Xie Lian woke up, Hua Cheng wasn’t on the mattress. Sunlight flooded the room. It had been a long time since Xie Lian had slept for so long. It was likely already late morning. The heat of the day before had dissipated, and the room was pleasantly cool despite the sunshine. 

Xie Lian wobbled sleepily to the hallway and paused before he reached the kitchen doorway. Soft voices emanated from inside. When he peeked inside, he saw Yushi Huang and Hua Cheng standing in front of the stove, Hua Cheng stirring a mixing bowl while Yushi Huang flipped- were those pancakes?

The countertop had light knife marks and a dark-patched stain. Yushi Huang opened a cabinet above her head to reach for a red spatula, tucked next to rows of assorted, chipped cups, ranging from an ox-shaped cup to glazed teacups to a messy mug with “best teacher ever” painted on in messy letters. 

Hua Cheng shifted his weight between his feet on the rumpled rug in front of the counter. His voice was subdued in the morning calm, but he laughed frequently, the hand holding the mixing bowl making aborted, excited movements. Yushi Huang tilted her ear toward him, smiling. 

It seemed that he’d warmed up to her. There was something precious and golden about the way they leaned in together over the stovetop. He couldn’t hear Hua Cheng’s quiet murmuring, but he caught, “And then ge ge said-” His eyes seemed lit up from the inside. Xie Lian stood in the doorway, transfixed. 

“How did you sleep?” Xie Lian jolted as Ling Wen’s voice came from behind him. 

“Great, thank you,” he replied once he’d regained his bearings. She walked over from the hallway, dressed in a black tank top and sweatpants. He was still a little intimidated by her and embarrassed about intruding in her home. But he admired how much she clearly cared for Yushi Huang. The way she treated her wife had earned his respect.

“It looks like Huang-er is teaching him her pancake recipe,” Ling Wen said, peeking around the door with Xie Lian. “Everyone loves those pancakes. She brings a batch around to all our neighbors when she has time.” 

Xie Lian started smiling, but froze when she continued, “Maybe your boy can make some for you in the mornings now.”

Xie Lian felt his breath stutter in his chest at her words. “That’s very kind of her,” Xie Lian said. “But Hua Cheng isn’t exactly my…”

And here he had to stop. Ling Wen was just saying something for conversation’s sake. Referring to Hua Cheng as “Xie Lian’s boy” probably didn’t mean anything. 

What did Xie Lian think she meant anyway? Xie Lian didn’t want to say “friend” because he really did hope he and Hua Cheng could be friends. And he didn’t want to say Hua Cheng wasn’t something more than a friend because, well…

Ling Wen eyebrows lifted, mild surprise breaking through her stoic expression. “Oh, are you two not partners? With the way the two of you look at each other, I thought you’d been in a relationship for a long time already.” She shrugged, vaguely apologetic. “I shouldn’t have assumed.” 

“I- I don’t- I mean it’s not exactly like- I don’t even know if-” Xie Lian spluttered at the idea of them being boyfriends even as hope rose in his chest. “What do you mean- how does he look at me?” 

Ling Wen hummed, and said, “How do you want him to look at you?” Xie Lian stared at her in silence, mind racing. She looked like she knew more than she was saying, but she simply asked, “Do you want to date him?” 

Xie Lian grasped at straws, thoughts circling around and around in his head. He knew Hua Cheng liked men, but that didn’t mean he would ever like Xie Lian that way. They hadn’t known each other for long, and Xie Lian wasn’t experienced with dating, and what if-

But really, it was a simple question. When he looked at Hua Cheng’s broad back curved over the mixing bowl—when he thought about their hands brushing or Hua Cheng whispering about something funny happening near them—did he want?

 Xie Lian shoved his hands into his pocket and squeezed the small box he’d gotten from the thrift shop.

“Yes.” 

Xie Lian wanted to get to know Hua Cheng better, wanted to know all his likes and dislikes, what made him happy and what made him angry. He wanted to see new sights with him and visit old memories together. 

Xie Lian wanted him—and he was pleasantly surprised to realize this—in a way he’d never wanted anyone before.

“Good for you.” Ling Wen said, smiling faintly. Xie Lian looked at her questioningly.

“That was the hardest part for me, too,” Ling Wen said. “Admitting to yourself that you want to be with someone – that takes courage. You might not think you have it in you to say it out loud to him, but you’ll find the courage eventually. And if it works out-” She gazed at Yushi Huang, her smile softening. “It can be one of the best things in your life.”

They thanked the women profusely for letting them stay and left loaded with pancakes and wishes for safe travels. The moment that Hua Cheng shut the passenger door, Xie Lian thrust the small box toward him, face red. 

If he didn’t give it to him now, he might never summon up the courage to do it. 

“Here, for you.” 

He expected Hua Cheng to laugh playfully, or say something flirtatious. He didn’t expect Hua Cheng to stare at him wordlessly, lips parted slightly. When the silence stretched out for too long, Xie Lian said hesitantly, “Hua Cheng?” 

Hua Cheng lifted a hand to take the box and stared down at it, eyes wide. 

“For- for me?” he asked. There was a tremulous quality to his voice. 

“Yes,” Xie Lian replied, “I got it for you while we were at the thrift shop. When you went to the bathroom.” 

He paused. Maybe Hua Cheng thought it was weird that Xie Lian had gotten a gift for him. “It’s not much, but I just wanted to give you a little thank you. For making this such a great trip, and for… for everything."

Hua Cheng opened the box and gasped. 

A pair of red earrings glinted in the light, a luminous crimson. The gold backing glinted in the light. 

Hua Cheng took the earrings out carefully and placed them on his palm.

“Do you… not like them?” Xie Lian asked worriedly. 

An enormous smile broke out across Hua Cheng’s face as he touched them with a finger. “I love them! I love them so much. Thank you, ge ge!” He laughed, giddy like a child receiving a birthday present. 

“Here, you keep one.” Hua Cheng lifted Xie Lian’s hand up and placed one of the earrings in the center of his palm. 

“Now we can match.” Hua Cheng beamed at him. His hands were softer than Xie Lian had expected. Xie Lian was struck with the sudden urge to wrap their hands together more tightly. 

“Th-thanks, Hua Cheng.” Xie Lian cleared his throat roughly. “Why don’t you put it on and see if you like how it looks on you?” 

Hua Cheng nodded enthusiastically and pulled his hand away so he could put the earring on. Discreetly, Xie Lian let out a breath of air in relief. And in the next moment, his breath caught again. 

Hua Cheng turned toward him, the earring a bright drop of red, complementing his dark eyes. His hair curled around his head, loosely framing his face. The light of the sunrise softened the curve of his cheekbones and made him appear slightly flushed. 

“How do I look?” Hua Cheng said with a small, sweet smile. 

Radiant, Xie Lian thought, immediately followed by, I think I’m falling in love with you. 

The first time Hua Cheng took over the driver's seat, saying that he had plenty of energy to drive through the night, it took Xie Lian the better part of an hour to find a comfortable position in the old passenger seat. The seat covers in his car were apparently only comfortable if they were worn in. Xie Lian wished Hua Cheng would’ve said earlier that the passenger seat was this unpleasant. But, of course, Hua Cheng wouldn’t have said anything—not to him.

Xie Lian stretched his arm out the window, entranced by the way his hand hit an invisible barrier of pressure. His hand stayed stiff against its force, and then fell sharply into emptiness when he drew it back. The invisible boundary was easily crossed if only one put in the effort to do so. 

The heat of the day had dissipated, and they drove straight on through the night chill of the desert. They hadn’t stopped anywhere other than gas stations and fast food drive-throughs today. There weren’t any tourist destinations along this stretch of road—not even quirky locations, like the world’s biggest boot or a field of graffitied cars. 

No excuses to stop. 

Xie Lian leaned back and tucked his bare feet against the glove compartment, the kind of casual pose he only allowed himself when he was in his room alone. Usually. 

Hua Cheng had his elbow propped up on his open window, one hand gripping the roof of the car. The other hand was loosely splayed on the steering wheel. 

Xie Lian glanced at him, his eyes unable to stay still. Nothing in Xie Lian seemed able to stay still today—not his muscles or his memories or his wild worry for the future. Normally he would scroll through his phone, but tonight the lock screen shone with notifications he didn’t want to see anymore. He’d stared at them periodically for the past few hours but hadn’t opened them. 

8 Unread Messages (Mom)

1 Unread Message (Dad)

Xie Lian had tried scanning through a few job postings instead, but he’d found he couldn’t concentrate. The small message icons at the top of the screen filled him a sense of shame until every job qualification he read made him feel worthless. 

Strong interpersonal skills. Ambitious plans for future career. The determination to see those plans through. 

Xie Lian didn’t have any of those things.

Xie Lian had turned his phone off, and now he was staring blankly at the blue glow of the car’s navigation screen. The breeze from the open window kept him awake but didn’t clear his mind. Xie Lian rolled up his window, and Hua Cheng followed suit. His ears popped with a snap. The sudden silence would’ve been deafening if not for jumbled static and Hua Cheng’s soft breathing.

Hua Cheng turned off the radio and glanced at Xie Lian. “Do you want to sleep?” Hua Cheng said, voice as quiet as the darkness outside, as if he had sucked the desert night into his lungs. Xie Lian shook his head. If he fell asleep morning would come too quickly, and then another morning, and another—time stretching its claws over the safe haven he’d found here with Hua Cheng. 

Hua Cheng hummed softly. “Then would ge ge like to talk about what’s on your mind?” 

Xie Lian’s began to instinctively shake his head, but he wondered if he should say yes. What was on his mind? He hadn’t been thinking of much, he supposed. He didn’t have anything interesting to say, really. But talking was better than the vague, silent cloud of distress that was pressing down on him. 

“I don’t want to go home,” Xie Lian confessed. When he quickly glanced over, Hua Cheng was simply nodding and giving a nonjudgmental “hmm.” Xie Lian suddenly found the words trapped inside him falling over themselves to get out.   

“I was going to have a job. I had a great position lined up from an internship I was at. But then the company kept having disputes with the community, building things where they hadn’t been asked to. I kept trying to convince the company members, but they wouldn’t listen. I tried to meet with the community members, but they didn’t trust me. And no wonder. Listening to the way the company board talked about those communities… I couldn’t not do anything. But I realized I wasn’t changing anything by being there either. The company dismissed me.” 

Xie Lian laughed. “It was such a blow just a few weeks ago. I couldn’t sleep for days. But that's just how it is now. I don’t have a job. I have no connections, no one who would give me a good referral. I don’t know what I’m doing.”

Hua Cheng nodded sympathetically. “It can be hard to feel directionless. Especially when so many of our classmates seem like they have it figured out.” 

“Yeah, yeah exactly,” Xie Lian said, feeling relieved that Hua Cheng seemed to understand. “I just feel so guilty sometimes. My parents worked so hard to get to the States. They came with nothing and sacrificed so much to survive.”

“My mom was a dancer in China. She was so skilled, she almost became a professional ballerina. But then she came to America with my dad and worked as a waitress for more than a decade. It was illegal, too, because they were here on student green cards, and the government didn’t allow international students to work in the US. She fought hard to build up a life here.” 

“She sounds incredible,” Hua Cheng murmured softly. 

"She is. I look at old photos of her dancing sometimes, and she looks so beautiful. Perfectly balanced, perfectly poised. And when she tells me stories about it, she does mention how exhausting it was—there were times she’d forget what toes looked like when they weren’t black and purple and blue. But she smiles when she talks about her old dance company, and the joy she experienced on stage. She loved it, and she gave that up for our family—for me.”

Xie Lian remembered the sadness in his mom’s eyes every time she called her closest friend in the dance company. When she missed her friend’s first performance as a principal dancer in the company. When she missed the birth of her friend’s child, and the baby’s first steps, and everything else she could’ve been a part of if she’d stayed in China. 

"I think she really likes living in the US, though. She likes that the air is cleaner and she has plenty of space to have a garden. She likes that there’s not so many people in the city and that life doesn’t go as fast. So in some ways, she’s happy here, I think.” 

“My dad, on the other hand, doesn’t really like the US. He hasn’t filed to change his citizenship, you know. Thirty years living in America, and his passport is still bright red. He made sacrifices, too, I know. But other than the thing about not getting a professorship, I’ve never been brave enough to ask.”

Words stumbled out of Xie Lian’s mouth, giving shape to the discomfort that always hummed under his skin, silent and invisible.

“We’re not very close… well, ‘close’ isn’t exactly the right word. But I just don’t know how I would ask him. There’s a wall between us, even when we’re in the same room together. All I can really tell is that he hasn’t gotten past the regret he’s had all these years of wanting to achieve this ideal life in the States but not being able to find it.” 

It helped to look out at the dark road, at the opaque black past the edges of the headlights. Xie Lian just kept speaking, not having to worry about wasting Hua Cheng's time. There was only endless asphalt ahead—only the two of them in the now. 

"My dad wants me to be successful, to get into the best college, get a Ph.D., to start a company, to become a professor. Anything that means our family made it. I know, theoretically, that I’m more than just my parent’s child. But I feel like a disappointment, and when I'm stuck in that feeling, it’s like that’s all I am.” 

Xie Lian’s voice grew desperate, rising with emotion, and he cut himself off, suddenly feeling vulnerable. He glanced at Hua Cheng, whispering, “Have you ever felt like that?” 

“Yes,” Hua Cheng said, eyes wide in the dim light of the dash, hands clenching on the steering wheel. “Yeah, I have.” He glanced at Xie Lian, and shadows passed over his face, revealing small slivers of him at a time. “I have never not been a disappointment to my parents.” 

Hua Cheng laughed, an age-old bitterness steeped in every word. “I was a terrible baby from the get-go - I cried all the time, I was so hard to take care of. And I don’t mean I just teared up over things easily. I mean that I couldn’t go a week without having a five hour crying fit, even after I was old enough to go to school. I was constantly being over-emotional. Everything just felt like so much, all the time.” Hua Cheng took in a sharp breath. “Being around me was like never being able to wake up from a nightmare."

And then he laughed. “At least that’s what my mom used to say.” 

Xie Lian stared. Hua Cheng kept his head turned toward the endless road. 

“Your mom said that?” Xie Lian repeated softly. He wondered how much it had hurt Hua Cheng as a child, to hear that from someone who was nearly his entire world.

Hua Cheng shook his head jerkily, and then paused. “No- I mean, yeah, she did say that. But she was just really angry. We were fighting. When I got older, I didn’t cry as much- well, I still cried. But I was mostly just angry. So we were always fighting." 

"And then when I was 15 my teacher caught me kissing a boy, and that didn't do me any favors." Hua Cheng scoffed at himself. "Everyone I knew started avoiding me, or worse, going out of their way to yell at me about how unnatural I was—my classmates, my neighbors. And, of course, my parents." 

"They might actually hate me now. I was never the perfect son they wanted. They couldn't stand to be around me. I couldn't stand being around them either—I was so angry , all the time. ” Hua Cheng stopped, and took a deep breath. 

“I… I’ve actually never talked about it with anyone before. I thought if I could just escape and never think about it again, it couldn’t hurt me anymore. But, really, maybe it’s a part of me now. And it’s been looking for a way to get out—to heal.” Hua Cheng smiled shakily at Xie Lian. “I guess you’ve helped me make the first step.”

Xie Lian was struck silent by the sheer enormity of Hua Cheng’s trust. “I’m glad,” Xie Lian finally said, giving Hua Cheng’s shoulder a gentle squeeze. “You deserve to find peace.”

Silence settled around them, a warm blanket of acceptance and understanding.

Xie Lian felt that he wasn’t alone in his mind any longer. In this moment, there was another person right next to him who, too, had memories and fears—hope and pain.

They sat in the quiet for a few beats, and then Hua Cheng spoke again. His voice was suddenly calmer, lost far away in a memory. 

“There was this one time with my mom that was actually really nice.” Hua Cheng said. “It was probably summer break. We went hiking an hour outside of the city, just the two of us. I think we went all the way up a mountain, and it took forever. There were spiderwebs everywhere, and my legs were burning. My backpack was way too heavy for me.” Hua Cheng’s fingers twitched, like they remembered grasping onto the straps. 

“But my mom and I helped each other across the really slippery areas until we finally got to the top. And she smiled at me. I remember that really clearly for some reason. My mom smiled at me, and I felt so happy.” 

Hua Cheng’s voice was wistful, floating on the residual joy of the memory. “Of course, on the drive back home we got into another argument. I don’t even remember what it was about. But still, for that moment on top of that mountain, I didn’t feel angry at all. I felt peaceful ."

Hua Cheng leaned back against the seat. "I hadn’t known I could feel like that.”

Xie Lian’s heart clenched at the soft smile on his lips.  

“I’ve always wanted to go on a hike,” Xie Lian said. "I've heard that you can see amazing things, like the best views of sunsets and mountains."

Hua Cheng grinned, eyes lighting up. "I used to love learning things about nature because it made my worries feel less overwhelming. There's beautiful things to see everywhere, if we think to look. I mean, just look at the sky—not a cloud in sight. Nothing but stars."

Xie Lian looked up for the first time that night, following the line of Hua Cheng's finger, and gasped. The stars seemed infinite, as if someone had taken a sea of brilliant quartz and tossed it across the sky. 

He’d never known the world could look like this. 

Hua Cheng started naming the constellations one by one. He wove mythical tales in his steading voice, threaded with a lilting joy. Xie Lian’s heart was lit brightly by the stars, and for at least this small moment, his worries didn't feel so heavy.

It had seemed like a good idea at first. Xie Lian had seen a state park billboard on the side of the road and thought about how bright Hua Cheng's voice was when he shared stories about his outdoor adventures. Xie Lian had wanted to see that smile again. 

But then Xie Lian slipped on the path, Hua Cheng tumbled down the hill, too, when he tried to catch Xie Lian, and now there was something wrong with Xie Lian’s ankle.

They found a tree to prop themselves against. Xie Lian sat on one of the higher roots and Hua Cheng kneeled on the ground. Xie Lian’s face burned. It'd been his idea to wander down this trail. He was making a mess of everything.

“Hua Cheng, I’m sorry,” Xie Lian kept blurting out. “I’m so sorry.”

Hua Cheng’s expression was dark as he stared down at Xie Lian’s ankle. Xie Lian didn’t know what that meant. 

“Hua Cheng?”

At Xie Lian’s soft call, Hua Cheng glanced up. His expression shifted quickly into a gentle smile. It was soothing in a way Xie Lian hadn’t quite been prepared for. 

Hua Cheng directed his attention toward Xie Lian as if it was just the two of them in the whole world, and Xie Lian was drawn to that sweetness like a hummingbird to nectar.

“How does your ankle feel?” Hua Cheng’s voice was a murmur, quiet to match the rustling breaths of the trees around them.

“Fine! I’m completely fine, Hua Cheng, you don’t need to worry. I’m so sorry for messing everything up.”

Hua Cheng frowned and abruptly turned on his knees to touch Xie Lian’s feet.

“No, Hua Cheng, it’s okay! You’re getting your pants dirty!”

Hua Cheng looked up at Xie Lian, eyes earnest and almost intense. “You’re more important than anything else.”

Xie Lian’s brain screeched to a halt, leaving him to watch the scene play out. Above them, the leaves on the tree pirouetted on their stems, propelled by the wind. They trickled drops of light onto Hua Cheng’s face, clinging to his eyelids and sliding down to his collarbones. 

He was stunning. 

Hua Cheng’s hands hovered above Xie Lian’s ankle. “Can I?” Hua Cheng said. Xie Lian nodded wordlessly, slightly dazed.

Hua Cheng pushed Xie Lian’s pant leg above his ankle, and pressed careful fingers around the ankle bone, shifting his foot in fractions. Xie Lian’s whole body tensed to suppress the sound that wanted to crawl out of his throat. 

Hua Cheng noticed.

“It’s definitely fractured, and I don’t think it’s safe to try to find our way back in the dark. I’ll call the park rangers.” Hua Cheng said. He took off his backpack and reached into the pocket containing their phones. And froze.

He pulled out his phone and Xie Lian’s phone slowly. Jagged cracks ran across both screens. They must have broken when Hua Cheng fell earlier. Hua Cheng’s hands started to tremble.

“I… ge ge, I… I’m so sorry.” His face twisted in fury, fingers white around the phones. “I’m such an idiot!” 

Xie Lian jolted in shock, and quickly reached out to cup Hua Cheng’s hands. “It’s okay, Hua Cheng, really it’s okay. We can just sleep here overnight. Plenty of backpackers do that. I looked up some information about the park earlier, and there aren’t bears or anything here. We’ll be fine.” 

Hua Cheng stared silently at the ground, his entire body taut. Then, with a heavy exhale, he broke out of his thoughts and rustled through his bag again.

“I think I have a small first aid kit in my bag.”

Xie Lian watched Hua Cheng wrap gauze around his ankle, pausing every time Xie Lian tensed even though Xie Lian made sure to never make a sound or change his expression. He sat there spell bound by the weight of Hua Cheng’s care.

When Hua Cheng finished, the warm imprints of his touch lingered on Xie Lian’s skin. It seemed to seep into the rest of his body as well, a heat that flushed through him even as the sun edges toward the horizon and stole away warmth and light.

Hua Cheng looked up at Xie Lian, and Xie Lian instinctively wanted to avert his gaze. But the expression on Hua Cheng’s face caught him. There was an impossible depth of worry and tenderness etched into his skin.

“How’s that, ge ge?” Hua Cheng sat kneeling on the dirt, hands clenched on his knees, face turned toward Xie Lian. And Xie Lian felt as though… as though he was worth something. He saw the shape of himself in those eyes, tinted with the rose-color glow of fondness. 

He was so afraid of seeing that image of himself disappear from Hua Cheng’s eyes.

“It feels great Hua Cheng. It doesn’t hurt at all.” 

Hua Cheng hesitated, as if he could tell Xie Lian was trying to hide the throbbing pain in his ankle. But Hua Cheng nodded, and Xie Lian was so grateful. The weight of his own worry was hard to bear, sometimes, and even harder when people forced him to explain himself. They generally did it with good intentions, but all Xie Lian could feel was the crushing weight of judgment and shame.

Hua Cheng always seemed to know when Xie Lian needed space, and, oh god, he adored Hua Cheng for that.

The dimness of the shadows around them was broken by the sun as it started to fracture against the horizon. Xie Lian watched as Hua Cheng’s face lit up, his eyes shining.

“Ge ge, it looks like the sun is setting. Do you want to go watch? Sunsets in canyons are beautiful.”

Xie Lian beamed at him. “As long as it’s with you.”

Hua Cheng coughed, the tips of his ears red. He stood up slowly, pulling Xie Lian up with an arm around his waist. They hobbled over to a protruding cliff not far away. 

Hua Cheng helped Xie Lian settle down with his legs stretched out in front of him, making sure to move rocks and twigs away. The forest curved over them in a sheltering embrace. It was just the two of them and the world spread out in front of them, shelves of rough rock thrown into contrast by the setting sun.

Hua Cheng sat down next to Xie Lian, legs crossed. Hua Cheng was so close to him, a knee brushing against Xie Lian’s thigh, and it sent a rush of warmth through him.

It struck Xie Lian, suddenly, that maybe if he asked, he might be allowed to press closer. He might be allowed to do more than savor the sparse bits of contact he had with Hua Cheng every day.

He was allowed to want more. 

It scared him, almost. The quiet of their surroundings was like a mirage that could be broken too easily. It felt as though what he longed for couldn't be anything more than a faraway dream.

But last night in the car, under the stars, everything had felt so right . Hua Cheng had listened to his jumbled thoughts, words that he’d never felt comfortable saying to anyone. He’d never thought that another person would be interested in hearing the mess that was inside his head. 

But Hua Cheng had been attentive, listening to his every word. And Hua Cheng had let himself be vulnerable, too. Surely that meant he was comfortable enough around Xie Lian to be himself. Was it that much of a stretch to think Hua Cheng might be interested in him? 

Xie Lian’s mind hurried to remind him of all the reasons he was a burdensome person to be around—all the reasons why a relationship with him would likely end in disaster. 

But the sheer purity of last night had sheared away some of his doubts. This flame that flickered in his heart when he was around Hua Cheng – was it wrong to hope it could survive?

Hua Cheng reached into his bag, saying, “I’m glad at least that I thought to bring a blanket. The only thing I did right today.” 

Xie Lian stared at him. “What are you talking about?” he said, confused and almost indignant. “You took care of my ankle and made sure we didn’t fall too far. You did everything you could’ve done.”

Hua Cheng just shook his head and sat next to Xie Lian on the tree root, wrapping the emergency blanket around the both of them, pressing close against him. Xie Lian shivered and hoped that Hua Cheng thought it was because of the cold. The heat of Hua Cheng’s body was a haze around him. 

“I don’t know why I didn’t think of the phones when we were falling. If I’d just been more careful, had better control, ge ge wouldn’t have had to deal with all of this.”

After a pause, Hua Cheng said, “I feel like I’m always ruining good things. Like when I was so skeptical of Yushi Huang and Ling Wen even though they turned out to be really nice people. Or when we were at the hotel and I started talking about sexuality. We were just having a nice night and I made it awkward. Or just now when I freaked out...”

Xie Lian looked back at him, feeling thrown off. Hua Cheng—cheeky, strong, kind Hua Cheng—thought that he’d been making Xie Lian uncomfortable? But- 

“I’m the one who’s been messing up this trip, though.” Xie Lian blurted out. He stared down at his feet, too embarrassed to look directly at Hua Cheng. “I was the one who slipped and fell off the path. I’m the one who doesn’t know much about things I should already know, like sexuality. I thought I was the one making the conversation awkward.”

“Hua Cheng, you- you’re wonderful. You’re funny and sweet. It’s been a long time since I could talk with someone so freely. I really like spending time with you, I really, really do.”

Xie Lian looked back up at Hua Cheng. The warmth of Hua Cheng’s breaths gusted over his face. They were leaning closer to each other than he'd thought.

“Me, too,” Hua Cheng whispered, eyes wide. “I feel so happy around you. I love hearing your thoughts and learning about your life. And every time you smile… I feel like I'm on top of the world." 

The sun became blindingly bright against the tops of the canyons, igniting the clouds into pinks and flaming orange and every other flickering shade of fire. 

Xie Lian’s heart pounded in his chest. Here it was again—so many words jumbled up inside of him. 

He hoped he could get them out right this time. 

“Hua Cheng, I don’t usually get comfortable around people. I can be polite, I can be friendly, but it takes months for me to start to feel like I’m friends with someone. But you- I- I’ve actually had a crush on you this whole past year.” 

Xie Lian looked away, blushing. “I just never had the courage to talk to you. But once we got on the road, I… you remember how much fun we had messing around at the thrift shop? I laughed so hard I couldn't even remember to be nervous anymore. I think I've been happier these past few days with you than I have this whole past year.” 

Xie Lian turned toward Hua Cheng, determination surging up inside him. “And the more I get to know you, the more I think I could fall in love with you.”

Xie Lian braced himself for embarrassed rejection, or confusion, or even the impossible possibility of “me too.” 

But Hua Cheng just stared at him, eyes wide in shock. “W-what?” His voice trembled. Suddenly, he hid his face against his bent legs. The tips of his ears were bright red. “Ge ge, oh my god, I…”

Xie Lian shook him gently by the shoulders. “Hua Cheng, what’s wrong? I’m sorry, please don’t be upset! We can still be friends! You can just forget I said anything-”

“Ge ge,” Hua Cheng said, lifting his head up quickly. “Ge ge, no, I meant… I’ve been infatuated with you since we started college.” 

Xie Lian froze. “What?” 

His mind skimmed back to every time he’d seen Hua Cheng around school. Four years—four entire years. 

Hua Cheng continued, “At first I thought it’d just be a small crush. But then I kept seeing you again. You looked so beautiful when you laughed. You were passionate about the things we learned in class and you were always sweet to your friends.”

“I don’t know if you remember this one group project we were in? I wanted to talk to you, ge ge. But you were just so perfect, and I felt like an obsessed creep.” Hua Cheng’s voice cracked. 

Through Xie Lian’s shock, he felt the quiet certainty that if Hua Cheng started crying he would cry, too. 

But a smile lit up Hua Cheng’s face, brighter than the sun, and he started laughing in shy bursts. “I never thought- I never imagined you could feel the same.” 

Xie Lian threw his arms around Hua Cheng’s shoulders, burying his face in his shirt. Hua Cheng was shaking, disbelieving laughter spilling from his lips. The sound left Xie Lian breathless.

When Xie Lian leaned back, he cupped a hand against Hua Cheng’s face. Xie Lian’s cheeks were burning, and it was a blessed kind of warmth. It seared away the uncertainty of before. He could see the transformation mirrored in Hua Cheng’s eyes, too—wonder blooming bright.

“Looks like we’re stuck together now,” Xie Lian said with a laugh. He turned and leaned back against Hua Cheng’s chest, looking out at the canyon walls dipped in the colors of the sun. Xie Lian had seen Hua Cheng wear this same deep red sweater at school before, and it was just as soft as he'd imagined. He felt Hua Cheng’s arms circle his waist, and the courageous joy of the moment made him lace their fingers together. 

He wondered if Hua Cheng would ever want to come with Xie Lian to a hiking trail again. Maybe next time they could bring a tent and sleep warmly under the stars together. He thought about how Hua Cheng would look windswept by fierce winds next to an ocean. He thought about how Hua Cheng might look at the peak of a mountain, face turned toward the sky. He thought about how Hua Cheng might look in Xie Lian’s parents’ living room. 

How Hua Cheng might look waking up next to Xie Lian in the morning.

“I don’t know where I’m going to find a job, though,” Xie Lian said, suddenly worried. “I don’t know what city I’ll end up in. I haven’t found an apartment, I don’t know what I’m doing at all, and I can’t possibly ask you to throw away your plans-”

Hua Cheng squeezed his arms tight around Xie Lian’s waist, burying his laughter against Xie Lian’s neck. 

“Ge ge, I’ll follow you anywhere,” Hua Cheng declared. “I’m actually doing freelance work—graphic design for websites, that kind of thing. I was planning to just move to any new city. It doesn’t matter to me which one, really. I mostly just came on this trip because I wanted to get to know you.” 

Xie Lian turned to look at Hua Cheng, mouth gaping. And then he burst into laughter. 

“That first day when you got into my car, I was surprised that you said you were nervous. You always seemed so cool and suave at school.” Xie Lian smiled and laced their fingers together. “Now I know why.” 

Xie Lian toyed with the red stone in his ear, flushed with happiness, and tilted his head to look at Hua Cheng's matching earring. He caught Hua Cheng's eye and they shared a giddy smile. 

The future suddenly seemed so much brighter—the uncertainty of everything taking the shape of freedom. 

Shadows stretched deep in the canyon as the light blanketing the scenery began to fade. But its warmth would return tomorrow, and again after that—and for years more to come.