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Callum clicks the lock shut without making too much noise, or he tries. It's around one in the morning, coming home after just finishing a late shift.
He might get called out again, but for now, he's home, and the promise of a warm bed and love by his side is something he'll never take for granted.
Ben is probably fast asleep, curled up as he always is, innocent and at peace, little snores Callum always teases him about and Ben denying without a second thought. It makes Callum smile, putting down his work bag and taking off his jacket.
Once he gets into bed, one of three things will happen, possibly all of them. Ben will either remain as he is, sleeping away knowing Callum will be there when he wakes up. Or, he'll stir at the dip in the bed, turning around to kiss Callum, hands holding his jaw and pulling him closer. And then the third, he'll remain asleep, but his fingers will twitch towards him, curling into Callum and placing his head on his chest.
Clockwork, their souls so intertwined they just work. It's like they're coming home when they're together.
Tonight, though, Callum can see that the living room is still very much alive. The TV flickers different colours, from scene to scene, voices talking to each other and explaining some vital new information about a mission.
Ben might have left it on before heading upstairs, but he's only done it a few times, and the TV is quite loud in volume.
Setting his jacket on one of the dining chairs, Callum heads to the threshold between the kitchen and the living room, spotting him.
Ben is sat sideways to him, looking to the floor, eyes glazed over and a little red. He's not acknowledging the TV at all, hunched over, hand playing with the string ties on the hoodie he's wearing.
That's when Callum recognises it, the hoodie. That's the grey one he always wears on his morning run, sometimes in the afternoon when it's all cozy and Ben is talking about his day with his head in Callum's lap, hand moving through his hair softly.
But he's never worn it, he's always said that hoodie looks good on you, and Callum would smile and shake his head going it's just a hoodie.
Callum leans against the frame of the doorway, watching Ben and how he seems lost, almost cold as he curls in on himself more. The hood is up, hair a little messy as it curls every which way.
And then he's dipping his head, pulling the hoodie's neckline over his nose, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. Ben catches it between his teeth when it falls, holding it for a moment before letting it fall down to his neck again.
It's a size too big for him, the ends of the hoodie sitting on the middle of his fingers, fingertips just poking out as they pull and rub against the sleeve.
Callum knows something is wrong, so he speaks up, softly, just for Ben to hear.
"You're up late," he says, and Ben turns to Callum's voice almost too quickly.
"You're home," Ben replies, pushing himself up from the sofa and walking towards Callum without a second wasted.
Callum looks down at the hoodie, falling just below his hips, the hood not falling from his head. Ben's eyes are darting over his face in return, hands already coming up to reach for him.
Callum meets him halfway, Ben's hands holding his face, thumbs just under his eyes and pressing a little. It's unusual, Ben hasn't done this before, looking almost scared and relieved at the same time.
Ben's eyes dart between Callum's eyes and his lips, thumbs brushing over Callum's cheekbone before he moves in, breathing through his nose as he kisses him.
Ben's soft, chapped lips against Callum's warm him from the cold outside, and the hands on his face are one part skin and one part hoodie, the soft fabric almost soothing.
Hands circle around Ben's waist, gripping, pulling Ben closer and feeling the fabric of his own hoodie warp and shape to Ben's body underneath his fingertips.
He doesn't know how long he stands there, holding Ben, letting the shorter man tiptoe a little to reach his lips, Ben biting at his bottom lip when he draws back.
Callum takes a moment to open his eyes, Ben stood there, hands moving down to his neck, thumbs pressed to the underside of his jaw.
Ben wants to say something, Callum can see it in his eyes, the way they seem to take in every detail of Callum's face.
"I missed you," whispers Ben, sighing, as if a weight has been lifted from his chest. These words aren't new, spoken before on normal days or nights.
"Is that why you're up so late?" Callum brings a hand up, threading his fingers through his hair at the side of his head, moving under the hood and pushing it back.
Ben's face is encaptured in more light now from the mumbling TV, and he looks tired. Conflicted.
Ben closes his eyes, and Callum's heart swells at the way Ben leans into his touch, kissing his palm when his head tilts too far, moving back as Callum brushes his thumb behind his ear. When Ben opens his eyes again once more, he's looking up at Callum as if he's holding his entire world in the palm of his hands.
And he is. Callum could say the same.
"Ben," when there's no response, he squeezes the hand still remaining on his waist. He kisses him again, once, softly, enough to make Ben's legs feel weightless. "Talk to me."
When Ben does that little frown he always does when thinking, Callum knows it's coming. He'll give him time, because from how Ben is still leaning against his hand, pressing his body against his, he's a little touch starved.
"I couldn't sleep," he says, barely audible if Callum wasn't close enough to feel his breath. "Worried about you."
Callum's expression softens, pressing his thumb under Ben's eye and smoothing it along his skin, "I'm alright."
Ben dips his head, Callum's hand moving to the back of Ben's head as he brings him in, kissing the top of his head as Ben wraps his arms around his torso.
Callum is aware Ben is listening to his heartbeat, having been told once before that it soothes him, a sound he can feel, a sound that reminds him that Ben's capable of being loved.
"Took your hoodie," Ben mumbles into his shirt, fingers playing with the hem of the hoodie sleeves where they rest against Callum's back.
"I can see that," Callum huffs, smile heard through his voice. Ben smiles too, if only for a second.
"'Can give it back, if you want," replies Ben, although he doesn't want to.
"Don't need it," he squeezes Ben, kisses his head again, soothing a hand down his back. "What's mine is yours."
Ben shifts, gripping at the shirt at Callum's back, nuzzling into him. He's only like this with Callum, a boy trapped in a man's body that had to grow up too quickly for the sake of his father's pride.
But Callum adores it, that Ben is this soft, attentive person that'd do anything for the people he loves. He's not afraid to open his heart to them, especially Callum, seeking comfort from the person that makes him feel safe, makes him feel Ben.
He doesn't have to prove himself to Callum, to put on a smirk and whip some joke between his lips to keep up his image because Callum knows the real Ben.
The Ben that moans about the alarm in the morning, forgetting to put the toaster away when he's done, demanding more kisses with his own version of puppy eyes.
And the Ben that steals his favourite hoodie, holding onto it as a memory of Callum, wanting to be around him when he's not even there.
Ever since losing him, not knowing if he was alright, it haunts Ben every single time he's on a late shift, more so lately than before.
Ben plants a kiss to his chest, head going back to look up at him, Callum's hand soothing, grounding Ben as he moves it back to his cheek.
"Admit it," there's a small smile now, Callum aware that it's the smile Ben makes before he cracks a joke. "I look good in it."
Callum sighs, but it's not from annoyance. There's a fond smile tugging his lips, and he moves forward to brush their noses together, "You know I think that, Ben." He looks on, hand moving up and down his back still. "Always have."
Ben feels something twist in his chest, swallowing down the strain he can feel at the back of his throat. He moves forward, pressing his lips to Callum's again, lingering close. Callum didn't mean just the hoodie when he said that, and Ben could hear it in the voice, the genuine honesty that Callum always gives out so freely.
"I can't sleep without you anymore, Callum," his voice is barely there, quiet, not used to admitting weakness so openly. Ben will view it as that, a weakness, but it's nothing like that in Callum's eyes. "Without you here, it scares me. I just," he grips Callum's shirt tighter. "Just want you here, all the time."
Callum bumps his forehead to Ben's, thumb moving over the short hairs at the side of his head, "Well, I have tomorrow off from ten. So, how about we spend the day in? Make some food? Watch that film you wanted to see?"
Every word Callum speaks is less tension in Ben's shoulders. A promise of tomorrow.
"Yeah," breathes Ben, closing his eyes for a moment, bringing his hands round to pull at Callum's shirt. "Please, stay. I want the day with you."
He knows if he's called Callum will go, but on a day off it's his choice. Ben doesn't want him to decide between him and his job because he loves both, but he needs tomorrow, feeling how unsteady he already is with the nightmares that keep surfacing.
"I will, promise," Callum kisses him to seal that promise, breathing deep when he pulls back. "Let's call it a night. I'll make us a drink and then I'll bring it up to you."
Ben nods, licking his bottom lip in thought. He looks so vulnerable, "Don't be long, yeah?" He jokes, smiling a little. "Might fall asleep without you."
They both know that's not true, but Callum laughs a little at Ben's attempt to lift the mood, "I won't."
That promise sends Ben upstairs, looking back to Callum once or twice before heading the rest of the way. It's another three minutes until Callum is opening the door with his side, two warm mugs of tea in hand.
Ben is already in bed, hoodie still on, picking at the ends of the sleeves. Callum smiles at him when they meet eyes, passing him his tea as Ben mutters a thanks.
Callum does his usual routine before bed, Ben watching with extra focus and smiling when Callum catches a glance at him. When he finally slips into bed beside Ben, he takes a sip of the tea, Ben automatically leaning into him and slumping down.
He runs his hand through Ben's hair as Callum goes through what happened on his shift, the lives he's saved and Ben loves hearing the smile in his voice. Callum usually waits until the morning, but Ben asked for him to talk about it if he has the energy, and Callum simply can't say no to him.
Before long, Ben's tea is empty in his hand. He's fallen asleep feeling the vibration of Callum's voice from his chest, the gentle fingers moving through his hair, warm liquid soothing his throat.
Callum leans down, kissing his head softly, whispering his love for him as Callum places their mugs aside.
- - -
The next morning, Callum is cooking them breakfast when a barely functioning Ben appears at the bottom of the stairs. Callum's hoodie still sat on his shoulders, he walks towards Callum, the smell of a fry up already making his stomach giddy with excitement.
"Mmm," Ben mumbles, bumping into Callum from behind, arms going around him. "Mornin'."
Callum smiles, looking over his shoulder to Ben with his eyes closed against his back.
"Morning to you, too," he turns, moving inside Ben's arms. He places two fingers under his chin, lifting his head to kiss him softly. "Makin' breakfast, sorry to leave you."
"M' alright. I needed to get up," Ben hums as he looks to the side of them, noticing a chicken defrosting. "Pasta later?"
"Mmm," Callum replies, Ben's face softening and glowing. "Just for you."
"Did I ever tell you you're handsome? Amazing? Probably way too good for me?"
Callum frowns, "Every other week."
"I do, don't I?" Ben looks a little taken back.
"And I'll keep telling you that you're what I've been looking for, because I do love you, Ben, more than words can say." Callum brings his hands up, pulls at the strings of his hoodie and kisses him, nipping at his top lip when they eventually break away. Ben looks smitten when he opens his eyes.
"I love you, Callum," he says, a whisper, but loud enough just for Callum to hear.
He's heard it a few times now, ever since that day he found him, but every time is like a breath of fresh air.
It feels right. Ben isn't afraid to say it anymore, not when Callum's smile is so bright afterwards, eyes crinkling at the edges from how his smile stretches.
Ben laughs at him, pecking his lips a few times before stepping back, "Breakfast in bed?"
"Can do," Callum winks, leaning back against the side as he watches Ben walk away. "You ever gonna' change out of that hoodie?" He shouts after him.
"No," Ben shrugs, pulling the arms further down so they cover his hands entirely. "Too comfy. Reminds me of you too much to let go."
Callum could almost cry when Ben smiles at him after that, watching him head back upstairs with his heart in his throat.
God, he loves Ben.
- - -
Throughout that week, Callum learns he's never getting that hoodie back. Ben only gives it back when he washes it, saying it needs a reset so when Callum is on night shifts, he has that hoodie to keep him company.
Callum knows what it really is, the comfort and safety he feels knowing that it's Callum's. His aftershave sticking to the collar, the way it's way too big for him but feels warm and cosy.
That's why some nights Callum comes home to Ben watching a movie with the hood up, or playing with the ends of the sleeves as if he wants to hold Callum's hands.
When he doesn't have it on, it hangs on a sofa, somewhere easy for Ben to find it.
The one day he did allow Callum to wear it, it spent more time on the floor than on his torso, and to this day he remembers how Ben put it on afterwards, arms around Callum and just sitting there in silence.
It's his thing now, the hoodie, an item of comfort like a child with a plushie. Ben won't admit it makes him feel warm, safe, but Callum can see it in his eyes, the ease of his posture and how he always has it close.
"You know, if I buy another one, would you claim that one too?" Callum is playing with Ben's fingers, intertwining them and pressing their fingertips together as Ben's hand reaches up to his.
Ben's laying his head on his lap, looking up at how well their hands fit together like two lost puzzle pieces.
"Probably," Ben laughs at the nudge Callum gives him. "You can borrow mine?"
"They don't fit, silly," Callum squeezes his hand, thumb going across the back of Ben's hand. "Will just have to settle for your hugs."
"What an awful trade," Ben jokes, pushing himself up to kiss his cheek. "But thank you, for this."
Callum looks a little confused, head tilting almost like a puppy, "What for?"
"Not finding this," he gestures to the grey hoodie he's wearing, "weird. It's helped a lot over these past few weeks. When you're gone and I'm alone, I just feel this awful cold, like my skin itches and wearing this is like you're still here, you know?" Ben feels he's babbling, annoying, but Callum is focused on him entirely. "I just miss you, a lot, more times than others, and that first night I couldn't sleep without you was terrifying for me."
Brushing his hand down Ben's thigh, the other hand that holds Ben's is brought to Callum's chest, squeezing again.
"I would never find this weird, Ben. Whatever you need to feel safe, to feel you is something I'd never look down on. This is just material," he looks to the hoodie, smiling. "If it means something special to you, though, then that's something I'll find special too."
There's a shine in Ben's eyes, pressing his hoodie paws as Callum calls them to his neck, bringing Callum's head closer so he can kiss him.
"Maybe you can have it back one day," Ben says against his lips, and Callum laughs.
"Either way," he moves Ben's fringe back, eyes drifting over his face, "as long as I have you, that's all I need."
And it's true, even when Callum's hand searches up the inside of that hoodie, pulling Ben over onto his lap, he knows this is it for him.
His first true love and his last, the only heart that will know his firsts of both promise and pain. Ben has been there for both, and he'll be there until the hoodie frays at the edges, discoloured from the thousands of washes it'll go through.
Maybe one day, there'll be a tinier person wearing that hoodie, a comfort for them instead of just Ben, but that's the future.
Right now, Callum has all he needs, all he loves in the hold of his grey hoodie.