Work Text:
Steven was laying in bed, his eyes glued to the ceiling as if he was having a stare-off with it. The wounds he had received from Cactus Steven had healed, but in the aftermath, he could still feel stings of pain. It wasn't a physical pain, but a burning, unsettling pang deep within. He was frustrated with himself, and frustrated at his inability to control himself, and that wasn't helping, either.
He knew his inner thoughts, repeated against his will, had hurt the gems. And even yet, despite that fact, they were still concerned about him. They still wanted to help him, but there was no way they could get it.
For years, Steven had played the role of the optimist. But after taking on his mother's carelessly tossed-aside responsibilities, and dealing with the weight that each of those responsibilities held, he was exhausted. Just thinking about it made him cringe, and he groaned, putting his hands behind his head as he sighed.
There was just no escape from Pink Diamond, or the things that she did.
Steven tried to ignore the churning in his stomach, realizing that if he he didn't stop thinking about the things that had conspired over the past few months, he would be ill. But how could he not think about these things? Especially when he was slowly becoming useless, unable to be useful any longer?
Everyone seemed to have their act together. Volleyball, traumatized by Pink Diamond's actions, now had Pearl to confide in. Lars and Sadie had resolved their issues on their own, and were both on different paths. Steven felt useless in this aspect - that he had no one in his life that needed help anymore, and that most of them were starting to drift away despite their words of reassurance. Everyone he knew that had been doing badly, he'd heard a follow-up on, and they seemed to be doing good.
No. Except for one gem, who he hadn't heard from. Maybe she needed help, or a little chat? Anything at this point to distract him from what he was thinking about would do, really.
Steven bent up at the waist, feeling a little hope. He glanced out the window, and noticed it was pitch-black out. He hadn't slept in two days, lost in thought and unable to relax since the run-in with Cactus Steven. But no matter how exhausted he was physically, he knew a gem in need who would be up and about at this time, someone who never lost energy or high levels of spunk. She was always open, too. Surely, she wouldn't turn down the chance to talk about her feelings.
Without a second thought, he quietly descended the stairs, making sure every footstep was silent. Alongside not sleeping in two days, he'd only left his room to go to the bathroom, so he hadn't eaten, either. As his stomach grumbled, a thought popped into his mind as his eyes veered to the kitchen counter.
The Crystal Gems didn't appear to be around, thankfully, and he rushed over. His mouth started to salivate at the sugary-sweet scent wafting off of the pack of donuts that had been left out. He didn't buy these, but. . .
He felt that pang of guilt again for what had conspired with the Crystal Gems. It was very clearly Amethyst who put these here.
He grumbled under his breath incoherently about how much of an idiot he was, feeling extra horrible for saying something so nasty about her to his cacti friend. At this, he lost his appetite, but he knew someone else who would appreciate these.
"There's no way you won't talk to me now." Steven said, feeling a little lighter as he picked up the box and headed outside.
The salty breeze licked at his face the moment he stepped outside, and he breathed it in gratefully. He supposed that he could appreciate it more after being cooped up in his room for a few days. Heading to the warp room, he felt a wave of nervousness wash over him as he walked in.
It was never really an enjoyable experience, going to Homeworld. He could be civil with the Diamonds. They were just over-bearing aunties with him now, but he hadn't forgotten about what they had done in the past.
He shut his eyes tightly as he forced the memories out of his mind. He wasn't going for them.
He stepped on the warp pad, shakily exhaling, and by the time he'd calmed himself, he was already in Homeworld.
Steven stepped off the pad, not remembering how this warp pad took him right into the Diamonds' throne room. He turned around uneasily, almost expecting to be flooded with a joyous welcome and three massive gems on top of him, but they weren't there. The four thrones were empty.
"That was close," he sighed in relief, before turning his attention to the purpose of this visit.
It was a bit weird, actually, for no one to be around. He felt some dread form in the pit of his stomach. Did that mean that she wouldn't be here, either?
His grip tightened on the box of donuts, and he could feel a bit of pink hue spreading across his cheeks as he quickly felt his emotions rising. But instead of going fully-pink, he heard some distant laughter echoing from somewhere, just barely.
The change of hue from his face depleted as he glanced over his shoulder, and started walking toward the sound of the laughing. Well, that didn't sound like the Diamonds, but he wasn't sure who it was, multiple voices confusing him.
The sound got increasingly louder, and he realized that he was outside of Pink Diamond's room. He pushed away that realization just as quickly as it came, and took in a deep breath before he walked inside. He paused, though, when he saw what was happening.
The Diamonds had installed a bed for Steven in the room long ago, but now, it was being occupied by four gems. The laughing had just quieted down, making way for conversation instead.
"How did you do it?" the first voice, shy and soft, was Blue Pearl.
"I find it hard to believe that story is true." Yellow Pearl's nose was stuck up, her arms crossed. "My diamond would never fall for such a trick."
"Oh, please, tell us how you did it!" Steven wasn't expecting to see Volleyball here, but. . . there she was, staring excitedly at the gem of the hour, who was sitting at the center of the bed.
There was a smug look on her face, but tears were at the corners of her eyes as though she'd been laughing too hard. Her cheeks still had black scars running down them, but despite that, she looked happy. Spinel looked happy.
"It wasn't that hard, y'know. But I'll tell you the secret: Yellow's really-" Spinel paused, though, as her eyes drifted over to where Steven was standing.
Steven instantly froze, feeling a little awkward at having been just standing there, taking in the view. The pearls all glanced, too, no one expecting to see him there.
"Steven Universe? Is that you?" Spinel asked in shock.
"Uh. . . yeah?" Steven shrugged in response, feeling a bit tense. He was a bit worried about what her reaction would be as she stood.
And then, like a cork being shot out of a wine bottle, she sprung into the air, giggling as she landed in front of him. Her grin was wide.
"You're here!" she threw her hands in the air.
"Y-yeah," he repeated sheepishly, rubbing the back of his head.
The smile slowly dripped off of Spinel's face as her eyes narrowed, "Were you spying on us?" she placed her hands on her hips, raising one brow in suspicion.
"N-no! It wasn't like that! I just got here!" he explained.
"Hi, Steven. Are you here to talk to Spinel?"
Steven flinched internally, barely realizing that the pearls had gathered around, too. He'd been too focused on Spinel. Volleyball was staring at him, the question she asked still hanging in the air.
"Is it that obvious?" he laughed uneasily.
"Did you bring her a present?" Blue Pearl asked, pointing to the box.
"W-what?! No!" Steven felt himself flush.
"Come on, we should leave them alone to do whatever. . . this is." Yellow Pearl gestured with her hand. "This is so uncouth. Ugh!" she walked away, Blue Pearl following.
Steven barely realized he was still in his pajamas, and instantly felt more embarrassed.
"You'll come back. Right?"
Volleyball was just starting to head after the others when she looked back. Spinel was smiling, but the way she was nervously twitching her fingers was a dead giveaway to her true inner feelings.
"Of course." Volleyball smiled, "See you soon."
Spinel's fingers stilled, and she physically relaxed.
As the others headed out, and the door creaked shut, Steven sighed.
"Sorry to crash your. . . uh. . . sleepover."
"Nah, it's okay." Spinel smiled, waving it off. She gestured with one hand for him to follow him as she headed back over to the bed. Like a lost puppy, he followed quickly behind.
"Volleyball is here?"
"Yup. She's super sweet! And by the way, that nickname is stupid." Spinel chided instantly, glaring at him over her shoulder, "You really know how to name them, Universe. You nicknamed her after a game, so what do you refer to me as? 'Stand Very Still?'"
At a reference to her being left in the Garden, Steven outwardly bristled, and a shiver ran down his spine, "N-no! Of course not!"
"I'm just pulling your leg." Spinel's glare quickly turned into a smirk.
Steven glanced down as his pant let was being tugged on. He couldn't help but laugh a little, and Spinel retracted her arm, going back to its normal length as she smiled. She took a seat at the edge of the bed, staring up at him.
"So, what's going on in that head of yours, Steven?"
"Well, I just thought I'd stop by and see what was going on around here."
"Don't." Spinel raised a finger to her mouth, her expression darkening slightly. "Don't lie."
"Huh?" Steven asked bewilderedly. "I'm not!"
She considered it for a moment before shrugging.
"If you say so," Spinel crossed her legs as she let it go, staring intensely, "you look awful, by the way."
Steven felt himself growing annoyed. "Thanks."
"It's just an observation." She shrugged, and then she gasped. "Aww, you remembered that I love donuts?" her arm snaked up to reach for one of the sweets.
"Of course I did." Steven smiled, thankful for the change in topic.
He sat down next to her as she admired the pink-frosted donut for just a moment before biting into it, her eyes closing in happiness. He placed the box behind them, sighing. He didn't notice when Spinel looked at him, one eye narrowed in his direction.
How was he meant to go about this conversation? Talking with Spinel seemed natural now, when they weren't mortal enemies, but she was still sensitive, and he knew that. "Um. . . so. . . how have things been lately?" he asked.
"Aren'tcha gonna have one? They're so good!" Spinel nudged him.
Steven had to hold back his sigh, and remember to have patience with her. He reached around, picking up a donut. He was really hungry, actually, but he wasn't wanting to worry about himself right now.
When he bit into it, he was surprised at how good it really was. Or maybe, it was because he hadn't eaten in two days. "Whoa," he mumbled.
"Right?" Spinel sank her teeth into the final piece.
"Uhh. . . so you never answered my question."
"Ooh, right." She popped the fried treat into her mouth. "Things have been really good," she said, just about finished in her munching, "'specially now that Pink's here!"
"About that, when did she get here?"
"Yesterday!" Spinel grinned, "Pearl - you know, Pink's actual best friend, she brought her here."
Steven nearly choked on his donut.
"S-she what?!"
"Yeah. She seemed pretty distraught. . . but she wanted to have Pink Pearl readjust to being around her old friends!" Spinel said innocently, "I wonder what was wrong with her, though. She wasn't much for talking."
"She didn't say anything?"
"Nope."
"Oh." Steven felt like he could breathe again. "I, uh, wonder what was wrong, too."
"Sheesh, you're an awful actor!" Steven glanced at her uneasily. She looked annoyed. "Maybe it's your innate 'goodness' that causes you to be a horrible liar."
"Excuse me?" Steven frowned.
"Come on, Steven. It's obvious that something happened. Do I seem that stupid?" she asked. "Just admit it. You're here because you want to talk about your problems, but you don't know how to. You don't hafta hide it, I know."
"But I'm not! I don't have any problems!" Steven insisted.
"Uh huh, and I wasn't standing in the Garden for six thousand years," Spinel went on sarcastically, "you don't have much of an argument, Universe - just look at you in shambles."
"I am not in shambles!" he frowned. The dark circles under his eyes and messy hair said otherwise.
"Suuure. Maybe you feel like your friends are. . . 'drifting away,' or something. Wouldn't that be ironic?" she giggled as she crossed her arms, but then realized how serious he was, and she coughed into her fist, "Sorry. Not helping."
"No, not helping. Look, I came here to talk about your feelings! Not mine!" Steven was back on his feet, pointing a finger at Spinel. She put a hand on her chest in confusion.
"Me? Why my feelings?"
"Because you've got unresolved trauma and you need to deal with it! So stop arguing with me and just let me help you!" Steven put his hands on the side of his head. "I just want to help someone! So just be quiet and. . . let out all of your feelings!"
"Hey, Steven? I think you're self-projecting." Spinel frowned. "But if you really want to know how I'm doing. . . I'm okay. I've made some new friends, at least, and-"
"So you're saying you don't need any help?" Steven was seething. Had this whole trip been for nothing?! Why had he even bothered to waste his time or think that he could do any good?
Spinel's pupils shrunk when she watched his whole body start to glow with a pink hue.
Steven hadn't meant to get so aggravated, or loud, but there he was. He dug his fingers into his scalp, struggling to hold in this awful power of his.
"Agh. . . it's just. . . it's not fair! What use am I if I'm not helping anybody?! I'm sick of this! I'm losing all meaning in everyone's lives at this rate because I can't help anyone!"
Steven's eyes popped open, though, when he felt something slithering around his torso.
He looked down, ready to fight off whatever it was, before he realized it was Spinel.
Her eyes were shut as she pressed against him, hugging him tightly as her arms curled around him. She seemed hesitant, but not afraid.
There was something about this feeling. The feeling of being hugged so closely by her, that. . . seemed familiar, in a weird, nostalgic way. Where did he remember this from? She was humming a tune, trying to keep her voice as steady as possible.
He focused on it, trying to calm down before he ended up hurting her, and it was working. Her hands slowly reached up, pulling his away from his head, and she held onto them as she started to sway.
Now confident in herself, Spinel's humming grew louder, and she seemed more relaxed. Steven felt his anger starting to fade as he caught onto his breath. Spinel's gentle swaying and her soft touch was enough to make him want to sleep.
Steven actually felt like he was about to fall asleep when he forced himself to stay awake. He opened his eyes, not feeling tense at all now, and instead, very relaxed. Spinel stopped swaying, looking up expectantly at him to see what he would say.
"What. . . was that, Spinel?" he asked, astonished. "It was so familiar, but. . ."
An undetectable emotion flashed across Spinel's face for a brief moment as she slowly unraveled from Steven, taking a step back. She looked away, holding her hands behind her.
"It was something I used to do for Pink when she would get angry at the other Diamonds for not giving her a colony." She said. Though her voice was sad, she had forced a smile on her face. "Her temper tantrums were something awful. But I loved her all the same."
"I-I thought that only Volleyball would've experienced that firsthand." Steven said in shock.
"Why'd you think they made me like this?" she stretched her arms around to prove her point. "I'm kinda indestructible in comparison to a fragile pearl."
Steven's fists clenched, and he looked away.
"Did she ever. . . physically hurt you?" he forced out the question.
"No." Spinel answered, her stare now on the floor. "It was part of my responsibility to calm her down though, so. . . I did everything I could to help her. Best friends just do that for each other. But I'm surprised it worked on you, too."
Steven sighed, taking all of this in. He sat on the edge of the bed once more, his head in his hands.
"I guess I'm just becoming more like her." He said bitterly.
Spinel's hand was under his chin now, tilting his head up. "Steven," she said seriously, "you're nothing like her. You're a good person."
He blinked, and started to laugh a little bit. Spinel's concern didn't waver as she furrowed her brow, staring at him uneasily. She pulled her hand away, the concern clear in her face.
"That's. . . that's funny," he said between laughs, as his face contorted with grief, "I. . . I don't feel like a good person. If. . . if I was, then why does no one really need me anymore?" his voice cracked.
Spinel's eyes widened as she watched him break down right then and there, fat tears spilling down his cheeks. For a moment, she hesitated. Of course her heart automatically went out to him. She felt horrible to see him this way, she knew what this felt like. She was the one who would understand the most.
Quietly, she took a seat next to him, leaning her head on his shoulder. Her hand moved up and onto his back; she rubbed in circles, hoping he would calm down soon, but ultimately knew that it was best for him to just get those feelings out of his system. She knew that they were his feelings, and that she couldn't tell him how to feel.
"I'm the one who should be comforting you!" Steven said through sobs, even more frustrated.
"Y'know, I think that you've been expected to be the 'shoulder to cry on' for far too long, Steven." She continued, "Besides, I don't need any comfort right now. It's you who does."
"But. . ." he trailed off weakly.
"Can it." She ordered. "Just cry."
Without a second thought, he obeyed.
Steven never thought he'd be getting any kind of treatment like this from Spinel of all gems. But in a way, it made sense. She'd gone through the exact same thing. Her abandonment issues were hidden well in the way she presented herself, but were still evident. She felt like she needed a use - she felt like she needed someone to need her around to feel worth something, and now. . . he couldn't lie, he was feeling similar, and he hated the struggle. And Steven hadn't thought it would be a good idea for her to be with the Diamonds, but now, he was happy with this decision, because it had clearly helped her a lot.
She was even more shocked when he turned to her, his arms wrapping around her as he continued to cry. She blinked in surprise when he buried his face in her shoulder.
Steven was lost in his thoughts, thinking of how pathetic he was for being so weak like this. He refused to think about everything that had happened to him, and his mother, and anything even slightly related to his traumas. But, being held was enough to make him feel better, at least for the moment.
Toward the end of his breakdown, he really started thinking about his power. It was a deadly, damaging power, and constantly trying to resist it when it arose was exhausting to him. He needed to figure out how to get a hold on it. If he didn't figure it out soon. . . bad things could happen.
But he refused to face his problems head-on, no matter how emotionally deep they were. He just couldn't.
A long time had passed. Steven was laying back on the bed now, his head in Spinel's lap as he stared up at the ceiling. He felt like he'd gone in a circle, but ultimately, was feeling better than he had before. He'd learned a few things from this experience. Especially about Spinel.
She was playing with a lock of his hair, humming something under her breath while she tried to soothe him. Once all the tears were gone, she made a move to speak.
"How are you feeling now?" she asked, leaning over him expectantly.
"I definitely feel better." He answered. "Spinel. . . thank you."
"Oh, it was nothing. You did all the work." She grinned, and he felt his heart feeling lighter.
"Yeah. . ." he smiled weakly.
He hadn't done much work at all. She must've seen the look on his face.
"What's shakin'?" she tilted her head curiously.
"Well. . . I just feel like. . . I don't understand how you're so good at this. You were done so wrongly by my mother, and yet. . . you still have compassion to help others? And. . . especially me?" he asked uncertainly.
"It was your mother who did those things to me, not you, silly. I owe a lot to you, Steven, 'cause without you, I'd still be floating aimlessly in space. 'Sides, we're kinda like siblings if you think real hard about it, so of course I care about you."
His eyes were starting to close, though, and his exhaustion was finally catching up to him. He really appreciated what she was saying.
"Yeah. . . we kind of are." He smiled. "Sorry, I just. . . need a nap."
"Alright. Well, nighty night."
He wanted to say more, but he was too tired, and quickly was dead to the world.
Spinel tucked him into bed, giggling at the way he simply flopped around when he was out cold. Humans would never cease to amaze her with how weird they were. She pulled the blanket over him, smiling to see him at peace.
But as she walked away to leave him to rest, she felt dread come over her as she thought back on her early days with Pink Diamond. There was no way that her comfort, or anyone's comfort would be able to help Steven with how he felt. It would only stall his power's influence for a while longer. Her gaze darkened.
"Those Crystal Gems really have no idea what they're dealing with."