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"Who is your Smash main?" Rose Lalonde looked up at Dirk from a piece of equipment she was fiddling with. She stared at him unblinking with her red glass eyes, in expectation of the answer she already knew was coming.
"I don't play Smash." There it was. He glanced up long enough to answer before going back to tightening a bolt.
"Yes you do. You have. And you have a main. Everybody has a Smash main." She crossed her arms, her posture indicating incredulity.
"Smash--"
"Is for casuals. Yes, I know. It's practically an action platformer. It's gimmicky. It's a child's game. Which is quite the argument to make for someone so enamored by My Little Pony and Naruto."
Dirk looked up, setting his tool down. "Firstly, while My Little Pony is perhaps made for young children--"
"It is."
"--it could easily be appreciated by a more mature audience. Rose, are you familiar with Bronies?"
"I wish it wasn't the case, but yes. I am aware of Bronies. I am looking at one, for better or worse."
A grimace. He heard the contempt in those words. "I am not a Brony, Rose. I am just a fan of a television show and the themes it touches on. The Elements--"
"So, no defense of Naruto? Also--"
"Rose, Naruto is a staple."
"A staple in children's media. Anyway. You are straying from the topic at hand, which I believe was your keikaku all along, father of mine."
"What was the topic again?" He knew the topic at hand. This was avoidance, clear as day.
"Your Smash main. And your insistence that you don't play, and perhaps have never played Smash."
"Why would I play Smash when I could instead play BlazBlue, or Guilty Gear, or Under Night In-Birth? Which are all much more technical, skill based games. I mean, really, Rose. Even Marvel vs. Capcom or Street Fighter Alpha 3. What I'm saying is--"
Rose smirked as much as her robotic lips would allow. "I know your main. I've known it since before I asked the question. My processors made easy work of analyzing all the characters in Super Smash Bros. Ultimate and I have zeroed in directly on your main, reaching my conclusion not only based on character playstyle and your own psychological profile."
"A bold claim." He didn't say as much but he was clearly curious as to her guess.
"Mr. Game & Watch." Three. Two. And.
"I do not main Game & Watch. What the fuck? That isn't even remotely close!"
That smirk again. "I know. But you just admitted to having a main. And it is Marth."
He stared.
"First of all, a swordsman, obviously. But why not Link? Or Cloud? Or even Shulk? The answer is simplicity." Rose began a slow walk around the room, like a shark circling its prey, heavy metal gait quieted by god tier footwear. "Link is heavily reliant on projectiles. Cloud is tied to his Limit. And Shulk has the Monado Arts. But Marth? Marth is simple. He's clean. He's fundamentals. A lot of the Fire Emblem characters are. Maybe not Robin or Corrin or Byleth, but certainly the others. No projectiles, no meters, just a sword. Spacing, timing, a counter. And Marth has the tipper. Which rewards an understanding of spacing even more. The characters he's worst against? Snake, Pokémon Trainer, Mega Man, Joker… these are all the worst types of characters in your eyes, and if you lose against them, it's not a lack of your own high skill, but simply a problem with the matchup."
Dirk scowled, though tried to keep his reaction to a minimum.
"But why Marth? Is it the tipper? That sword sweet spot? A bit more of a challenge than using Lucina? His echo? And there you have it."
Dirk couldn't help but mouth the words 'oh no.'
"Echoes, father. Off-shoots of originals." She steepled her fingers. "Splinters, if you will. Marth was introduced in Super Smash Bros. Melee and in the very same game we got Roy. Red Marth. Brawl gave us Ike… strong Marth. Smash 4 gave us Lucina, or girl Marth. And in Ultimate? We got Chrom. An echo of Roy, though he also plays similarly to Ike. Echoes of echoes. Splinters of splinters. But you. You play Marth. Marth Prime."
Dirk sat there, mouth slightly open. "Okay. How?"
Rose chuckled. "I have a pretty solid grip on most mains, though I haven't gotten confirmation on some of them. Roxy, you'd think they would go with Ness or Lucas. Maybe Olimar. Because of their favorite games. But our natures really shine through in our Smash mains, Dirk. A pink friend who holds a group together. A survivor. Heavily tied to the concept of void, and maybe a bit too neutral in conflict. They're a Kirby main. Jake… Snake, obviously."
Rose quirked a brow, with a swiff sound of metal brushing over metal. "Kidding, of course. Brawl era Snake, maybe. I honestly don't have Jake figured out. My highly advanced robot brain says Zero Suit Samus, but is that just because she's blue and has a gun? Or is it because her moveset keeps opponents at a distance? The gun, the whip. The way she is at her best when opponents are in the air, trying to land or recover?"
Dirk sighed. "This is incredibly asinine, Rose. These are musings, speculation. Does Jane main Mario because he has a mustache and likes cake? No. No. I've got it. Dr. Mario because he has a mustache, likes cake, and heals people. Life player. This is easy."
There was that look of contempt again. Rose sighed despite not needing to breathe. "Jane plays Ganondorf because he is a hard-hitting decisive character. He's straightforward. Sometimes it doesn't feel fair when you fight against him but you have to deal with that. He's a ridiculed choice, and a villain at that, but a low percent Warlock Punch kill will change the flow of the game and leave an opponent running scared. We see this in how she runs a business, how she is politically."
Dirk sighed as well. "Jade?"
"Isabelle. No further questions."
"Because dog? Really, Rose? All that analysis and then we just get a dog joke?"
"No further questions."
The look of annoyance on Dirk's face was obvious.
"Isabelle is bottom tier in a lot of rankings. An underappreciated, underutilized dog girl who is actually very skilled and very powerful. But somehow seen as almost a joke. Plus, in New Leaf she is all but running that town, but gives all credit readily to the player character, possibly due to romantic feelings."
"Oh."
Rose's eyes shone a bit brighter. "I know what I'm talking about. I did lie before, though."
"Oh? Was it all of it? Or just you assuring me you know these things and have calculated them and aren't just doing a bullshit telephone psychic cold read on me?"
Rose breezed by his questions. "Not everyone has a main. Dave can't figure it out. He can't find it. A joke answer would be Luigi. Living in his brother's shadow despite being just as strong if not stronger. Luigi was an irony pick for a while. He's good with sword characters but can't bring himself to use them."
Dirk's mouth twitched slightly and he swallowed.
"He likes quick characters. But not small. He just can't settle down though, and as soon as he gets comfortable with one character he feels like he should try another instead."
"This entire conversation is, frankly, incredibly stupid."
"Aren't they all?"