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Vanya had always been ordinary. There had never been anything special about her as far back as she could remember. Even the things she was good at, she was only ever considered average. She had never fit in with her siblings, all of whom had amazing talents. In the eyes of their father, she would never live up to the expectations he had for all of them. She would never be one of her siblings.
It had been a long time since Reginald Hargreeves had looked her in the eyes and told her that she was ordinary. Told her that she couldn’t be with her siblings because she wasn’t like them. Since Luther looked down on her and told her that they didn’t have time, and since Diego turned away from her when she came calling.
She had gotten used to being left out of all her siblings' games as they grew. She wasn’t strong enough to be one of them. SHe was fragile. She was ordinary. Over the years she grew even more ordinary. She was even less seen than one of Klaus’ ghosts. At least they had Klaus. She wished she had her brother back. Those days Klaus had been too doped up to even offer her a smile in the halls.
Allison had slowly grown spoiled and cruel. It wasn’t that Vanya didn’t love her sibling, however Allison slowly seemed to stop having time for her, for anyone who she had deemed below her, or not worth her time. She was cold and seemed to not hesitate to use her powers to force their siblings to do stuff for her anymore. Vanya supposed she couldn’t blame her. Reginald hadn’t only manipulated Vanya. He manipulated all of her siblings.
She watched in silence as all of her siblings slowly pulled away, and then disappeared, one by one. She wasn’t sure if she opened her mouth she’d make any noise at all.
She was fine though. She had gotten over it a long time ago. She was used to not seeing her siblings. They had long ago made it clear that they wanted nothing to do with her. Especially after her book, told the world their secrets. They were very clear about what they thought of her after that. She didn’t care. She didn’t, really.
She hated it. She missed her family so much. She missed late night Griddy trips. She missed Luther giving her and Klaus piggyback ride homes when they were too worn out. She missed talking books with Five and Ben. She missed playing dolls with Allison.
She really thought that it wouldn’t affect her that much anymore. After years of being pushed aside by them, she thought she’d be over it. Yet here she was, like a little kid, craving the attention of her siblings. Craving their love.
It’s stupid really. You’d think after all this time she would have stopped putting her worth on how much she wanted to be one of them, really and truly, but every time she let herself think, let herself feel… it came back. The longing, and the ache of loneliness.
She didn’t know how to deal with it, so she did the only thing she knew how to do. She popped another pill. Wasn’t that strange, that she was forced to take these pills, and now that she could stop she didn’t? People talked about Klaus being the addict, but Vanya was a real close runner up.
She didn’t know how to stop. It helped block out everything she felt. It made everything muted and distant. The pills let her forget how bad being forgotten felt. They couldn’t take away the memories, of course. They didn’t stop her from getting flashbacks to when Allison and Klaus would sit and paint her toes (because her fingernails always chipped when she played violin at first). From remembering how Luther used to let her lean into him, and used to smile and love her like a sibling did.
The feelings didn’t go away. When she really let herself focus on the memories she needed to take more than one pill to stop them. Her room always felt colder when she thought about it, the wind picking up, and she usually only thought about them when it was drizzling. She pulled her arms around herself.
She took another pill.