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“Come on Staniel, you’ve been single since you and Sam broke up. You need to get back out there and I just happen to know a bunch of great guys who would love you and vice versa.”
Stan sighs, pauses in the middle of his task of chopping up vegetables for the stew he’s making, and turns sharply to the side to brandish the knife at the screen of the ipad on the counter that’s displaying Richie’s face. “I’ve told you more than enough times, I don’t need to be set up on dates.”
Richie frowns at him, gesturing wildly at the screen. “The hell you don’t! It’s been three years! Three Stan!”
“Do not make me hang up on you Richie.”
Richie rolls his eyes, raises a hand to his face and adjusts his glasses. “Stannnniellllll, come on. Just one date.”
“ No , Richie.”
“Why -”
Stan slams the knife down on the counter. “Because I already have a boyfriend!”
Stan hopes it’s enough to shut Richie up, prays that it is even, and for a moment it is. Richie’s silent, eyes wide as he processes the information Stan has just shouted at him, and then his face contorts into a grin. “You can’t bullshit a bullshitter, Staniel.”
“It’s not - I really do!”
“Yeah?” Richie asks, quirking an eyebrow at Stan as he tries to judge whether he’s lying or not. “Who?”
“His name is Mike.” Stan’s sure he answered way too fast, but it’s only because there’s a board with a message from his roommate on it behind the ipad reminding him that someone is supposed to come and check their clogged bathroom sink at some point. “Are you happy?”
Richie tilts his head to one side, brow furrowing. “Mike… as in… your roommate?”
Stan’s mouth moves before his brain can tell him this is a bad idea. “Yeah.”
Richie’s grinning again. “Prove it.”
“Wh - how am I supposed to prove this to you exactly?”
“Easy. A date.”
“How does me going on a date -”
“A double date Staniel. I want to see you two together. Friday. Staniel, I’ll text you a time and place, but I have to go tend to a Gremlin now!”
Richie’s face vanishes from the screen as he ends their video call, leaving Stan alone in his kitchen staring at Richie’s skype window which just says Call Ended . Fuck. There’s no way Mike’s gonna agree to something like this. Mike is nice, sure, and he’s always willing to help a friend with any problem, but this? Even Stan knows this is too much for Mike. Maybe he’s better off just coming up with some dumb excuse when the time comes as to why they can’t meet up. That makes the most sense to him until the voice nags in the back of his head telling him that Richie will just call bullshit again and keep trying to push for a second attempt at a double date.
Why’d he have to open his big mouth?
He doesn’t bring it up to Mike though. He’s fully content to just wait until Richie sets a time and place and then come up with some reason to why they can’t show up. Plan A is his best option, even if it does result in Richie getting on his case and saying he’s lying again - which he is. Why did Mike’s name have to be the first one he saw? Why not his secondary roommate considering Bill leaves his mail all over the damn place? Bill would have agreed to this with no questions asked because he knew Richie. He’d understand how Stan had gotten into this situation.
Three days later, Mike wanders into the living room, phone in hand as he scrolls something on the screen with his thumb. Bill’s flipping idly through the channels on the tv as he lounges on the sofa, trying to find something decent to watch after a long day at work, and Stan’s sitting in the chair near the sofa, laptop perched comfortably in his lap while he talks to Eddie in a private skype chat labelled Birthday plans for the dumbass Richie .
“Stan, can I ask you something?” Mike asks, drawing Stan’s attention away from the screen that says Beverly is typing . “Why is your friend Richie under the impression that we’re dating?”
The remote for the tv falls from Bill’s hand to the floor with a thud as it bounces against the wood. “I’m sorry you two are what now?”
Stan looks between the shocked Bill and the confused Mike before he relents with a sigh. “He was going on at me about dating again and I told him I had a boyfriend to shut him up but he demanded to know who and the first thing I saw was that note you left on the board so I just automatically said your name and I was planning to fake bail on the day.”
Mike takes a moment to process the situation while Bill huffs, reaching down to pick up the discarded remote. “Let me get this straight. You needed a fake boyfriend and you defaulted to Mike ? The hell man I’m right here and I’m a damn actor!”
“I’m better looking.” Mike teases, locking his phone and tucking it into his pocket. “If I do this you’re paying, Stan.”
“Wait - you’re okay with this?”
“If we don’t do this he’ll just stay on your case about it. Better to get it over with, right? He’ll get off your case and you can go back to being a little spinster dude.”
“I am not a spinster.”
“Literally seen you knit a scarf.”
“We agreed not to talk about that ever again Mike.”
“I made no such agreement.”
The fake double date starts exactly how Stan expects it to. It’s awkward . Stan’s positive that Richie can see through their awkward exchanges and touches as they sit across from them, Mike trying to keep a respectable distance from Stan - knowing he likes his personal space more than anything. It doesn’t take long for Richie to get distracted with Eddie though, and it’s a saving grace because it means Richie’s attention is no longer on them while they order food. They get a shared platter to start with and one of the large shakes for sharing, something Richie and Eddie don’t do because Eddie thinks sharing drinks is gross even if there are two straws in it.
As the night goes on it becomes easier to fake it. Mike leans over to whisper things to Stan, usually what their next plan of action should be. Sometimes there’s a light touch, and though it doesn’t last long, Stan’s skin still tingles for a while after Mike’s hand draws away. Eddie glances to them once in a while, eyes narrowing as though he’s scrutinizing every movement they make, but then he’s turning back to Richie to acknowledge a joke or something else he’s said. If Eddie does know they’re faking it, he doesn’t say anything, simply making comments on how they make a good couple.
Richie buys it completely, thankfully, and the moment he says that he should have never doubted Stan, Stan can feel the tension ease from his body. Maybe this will be enough for Richie. He’ll stop pestering Stan to be set up on dates, and Stan can go back to just being single like he wants.
“Do you really think I was fucking born yesterday Stanley?”
Stan is taken aback at first, looking up from his textbook to the screen of the iPad to check that it is Eddie on the screen, a few inches away from him. It’s been five fake dates since he’d first passed Mike off as his boyfriend, and one birthday get-to-together for Richie. Eddie is looking at him expectantly, his own textbook ignored on the desk in front of him. They were supposed to be studying for a final, though this is the only way they can do it since Stan is sick and doesn’t want to get Eddie sick too - especially since Richie has the shittiest immune system Stan has ever known to exist.
“Damn Edward , you kiss your mother with that mouth?” Stan asks, turning a page in his book.
Eddie mimics his action, not even looking down at where Stan knows the book is. “Don’t avoid the question Stanley!”
Stan sighs, and he knows they’re not gonna get any studying done tonight. He flips his book shut and leans back, leveling Eddie with a stare. “What do you want me to say Eddie?”
Eddie’s eyes narrow, and he folds his arms on his desk just at the edge of the camera. “You could start with hey Eddie, I’m sorry I lied to you for three months . I know you’re not dating Mike. I’m not stupid.”
Stan frowns at that, shifting in his chair to sit more comfortable. “If you knew this whole time, why didn’t you say anything before now?”
“I wasn’t about to out you to Richie and if you didn’t notice, he’s pretty much glued to my damn side unless we’re in class and obviously I wasn’t about to out you there where people could eavesdrop.” Eddie points out, leaning ever so slightly towards the camera of his laptop. “You like the guy right? Why not just tell him?”
“Eddie -”
“Don’t you Eddie me, Stanley. Richie was right before. You need to get back out there.”
“ Richie was right before .” Stan parrots, arching an amused brow. “That’s a sentence I thought I’d never hear.”
There’s a hint of a smile on Eddie’s face, because when it comes to matters like this Richie is almost never right. “Stop avoiding the topic.”
“I can’t just get back out there . After Sam-”
“He isn’t Sam. You need to stop measuring people by his standard. Sam was a dick who didn’t deserve you. Mike’s nice, and trust me, I’ve seen the way he looks at you. It’s like he wants to spirit you away from danger. Like he’s always alert. He cares about you, Stan, and not in the way that Richie or I do, or even Bev.”
It’s after his call with Eddie that Stan starts to notice that Mike glances at him, a lot, and it always looks like he’s about to say something before he chooses not to and turns his attention back to whatever he’s doing. It bugs him, but Stan isn’t one to pry so he doesn’t ask about it and pretends it doesn’t bother him whenever this happens - like he doesn’t desperately want to know whatever Mike isn’t saying.
Stan finally finds out just what Mike is bottling in after their finals are over. He’s barely through the front door when Mike says the one thing that anyone, no matter their status, dreads to hear. We need to talk . It’s not like Mike to use a serious tone with any of them, and the moment it registers, Bill is on his feet and grabbing his shoes, awkwardly tugging one on as he squeezes by Stan and leaves the apartment. There’s a vague thud from outside as the door swings shut and a curse from him no doubt hitting the stairwell door in his attempt to flee.
Then they’re left alone, Stan staring awkwardly at Mike as he waits for him to continue - to say whatever it was he needed to get out. He can feel his heart thumping in his chest, swallowing past the lump to finally speak. “You wanted to talk?”
Mike, who had been staring at the door both in confusion and awe at Bill’s speed and determination to get the hell out of dodge, diverts his attention back to Stan. “Oh yeah, I uh - needed to talk to you about our little arrangement.” Mike pauses, and Stan remains silent, waiting for him to elaborate. “I can’t do it anymore.”
Oddly, Stan had been expecting him to cave eventually and be uncomfortable with this whole thing. He didn’t blame him. “I mean - that’s fair. I’m surprised you did it for this long.”
Stan’s too lost in his own thoughts to see the look of confusion that settles back on Mike’s face, his brow furrowing as he tries to work out what the hell Stan means. “What are you talking about?”
“This whole arrangement is awkward and stupid for you now right? That’s why you -”
Mike cuts him off with a laugh. It’s not mocking, but he’s definitely amused at something that Stan’s just said. “It’s not that it’s awk - okay maybe it’s a little awkward - but that’s not why I can’t do this anymore.”
“Then why -”
“Because I like you Stan. I don’t want to fake date you anymore because I want to date you for real .”
It takes Stan a moment to process the words that just came out of Mike’s mouth. It’s like his brain is having a system reboot, and then finally sink in, and he desperately tries to push back the heat that he can feel rising to his face. “Wait - you - what ?”
“I thought Richie was supposed to be the oblivious one?” Mike approaches Stan, closing the space between them. “I. Like. You. And I want to date you… if that’s what you want.”
It takes a moment for the words to sink in again, and Stan tilts his head back to look up at Mike. “Yeah - that’s - I want that.”
“So does that mean I can take you on a real date tomorrow?”
Stan nods, a smile forming on his mouth. “Yes Mike, yes it does.”