Chapter Text
Warning: Strong language and possible spoilers.
PART 1
The West Unit of the Scouting Legion gathered in the headquarters. I remember like it was yesterday when I first set foot in here. Our common place for meetings was the most spacious room with a huge fireplace, which felt warm and welcoming - almost like a real home.
This part of Recon Corps was under the jurisdiction of Corporal Ezra Schwarz, woman whose reflexes and battle skills could rival Mike Zacharius himself. I can’t really compare her to Lance Corporal Levi, because nobody was that good. Don’t tell her that, though.
Back when I was a trainee, I was friends with many cadets from 104th trainee’s squad. I wasn’t sure that I would stay there, though… because my skills were lousy in the beginning. It was Reiner who practiced with me the most. He cared about my training, and wanted to help me develop as a soldier. It hurts to admit, but I was a real crybaby back than, and Reiner used to get soft around those who were weaker than him, especially if they were girls. So, he would stay after regular training time, working extra hours with me, until he made at least a decent soldier. Bertholdt would sometimes join us, even spar with me instead of Reiner… and we actually had fun. Those were hard, but good times. I grew to like them both so much, and it seemed like they liked to hang out with me too.
Reiner was like a big brother who fiercefully protected the rest of us. He was courageous, gentle, and compassionate. He was mesmerizing, strong, and a natural born leader. I can’t recall when my admiration turned into something deeper, but before I knew, I was so in love with him. Of course I would be in love, Reiner had that effect on people. The more time you spend with him, the more attached you become. Ironically, he didn’t even notice that. He was all about liking Christa (well, all the boys seemed to like Christa) and teasing Ymir he would marry the Goddess.
Bertholdt was the one who told him about my feelings. After a few short weeks, where we were awkwardly avoiding each other, Reiner finally asked me to go out with him. We were dating for half a year, and I was sure he was the love of my life. But, for all that time, I knew something was terribly off. I knew he was hiding something from me… but I chose to ignore those thoughts, blinded by my own happiness.
After all the practice, I ranked eleventh - almost got into special ten. Bertholdt was ranked third, and Reiner was second, right after Mikasa. I was so proud of them, and so pissed of myself for not being better. I was really hoping to get into the same squad as them when we all joined the Scouting Legion, though. However, I was assigned to Ezra’s Squad immediately after graduation, along with six fellow cadets. Naturally, I was disappointed. The West Unit barely even interacted with the rest of the Recon Corps, so, it was a minor disaster for me. What can I say? I was pretty emotional back then, and very devoted to him.
When I think about it all now, I can’t help but laugh at my own naivety. I was so stupid. Romantic girl, with romantic dreams, who broke down the very moment she found out the horrible truth.
“The squad meeting will begin now,” lieutenant colonel Christiana Fitzgerald formally announced, bringing me back from my chaotic memories. She was the right hand of our leader, Corporal Schwarz. They looked so different comparing to each other - Christiana was very tall, and very slim, with light-brown hair and green eyes. Ezra was of an average height, but well-built, and had long, raven hair and piercing brown eyes. While Christiana was cheerful, friendly, and smiled often, our Corporal was pretty serious, introvert and mostly liked to keep to herself. She could be very sharp, and strict, but generally was righteous (and reminded me of Commander Erwin in a way of dealing things with her squad).
Despite their character differences, Christiana and Ezra got along very well. They knew how to have fun with us, to get drunk and break a few rules behind Commander Smith’s back.
Once you get into their squad and meet them, you start to feel like part of one huge family. It was that easy. I found the place where I belong, and I wouldn’t change my squad for anything else in the world. Ezra was always there for me. She trained me further, to make me even stronger and more accurate in fights. I wasn’t hesitant anymore. I was working very hard with her to be in the rank of special ten. I was personally trained by the Corporal herself, and I dare say that I could now rival any other member in the Military Police, since only the best fighters can join them.
“I will try to keep this as short as I can, I know you all need some rest,” Ezra said. I didn’t know about others, but I was really tired. I needed sleep. It happened frequently after a constant scouting we had to do, and after all the things I’ve been through.
She wasn’t there only to make me fight better. She supported me in my darkest hours, when I broke down and went through deep depression, caused by my former lover’s betrayal. She helped me overcome it. Not many other soldiers wanted to do that for me, but she was there and made me fight again - this time, my own demons, in my own mind. I wanted to die, to disappear - and she brought me back. I was never as strong as that woman, I guess I will never be. But I wanted to.
“Commander Smith sent me a letter with detailed instructions about our mission,” the Corporal continued. “It revolves about the hunting and apprehending the humanity’s most wanted fugitives, Bertholdt Hoover, and Reiner Braun.”
Her dark, brown eyes focused on me. They weren’t filled with judgment, or any harsh feeling, but I still couldn’t look back at her properly. Not when she talked about those two. I tried to, but my shame wouldn’t allow it, even after it was proven I had nothing to do with their actions. I felt my face turning red. The taste of the mash we’ve had for dinner crawled from the depths of my stomach, and I wanted to vomit. I wanted others to stop looking at me. They were checking my reaction, how I would feel about the fact that we have to chase them now. I felt sick. The biggest punishment for a human being is certainly the feeling of guilt and shame. It was overwhelming.
Ezra continued: “They were spotted in the forest of Giant Trees. They were travelling together, but split up at some point. Hoover was apprehended this morning, by the Lance Corporal Levi, cadet Ackerman, and cadet Jaeger, after following the plan cadet Arlert and Commander Smith made in order to finally catch him.”
The murmur grew into a gasps of wonder. That was another big win for humanity. Maybe even the biggest, since he was the only titan who could look over all the three sacred Walls. The Colossal Titan in dungeons - now, that was a thing to brag about. It looks like Mikasa didn’t hesitate this time. Eren either. Well, good for them.
To be honest, I didn’t know how to feel. When a monster wears a face of a friend, it gets difficult to hate him entirely or to enjoy his fall. I’ve tried, so hard, but all I’ve got was this sick mixture of feelings which I couldn’t handle very well. Bertholdt was a dear companion, a good soldier, and seemed like a good guy. Or, so I believed. I trusted him. He was friend, as much as Bertholdt could be.
But, with Reiner… it was even worse. He wore the face of a lover… my lover… and the whole world knew about it. All these people I am sharing my life and my time with… know about my stupidity, and my shame. I still couldn’t accept the fact that my closest and dearest betrayed the whole humanity, that he killed many for his own selfish goals… and that he betrayed me too.
“Braun’s whereabouts remain unknown, but it is presumed that he hides in the west part of Titan’s territory, somewhere around the lake Trainen. That’s our scouting route. We have orders to follow his traces, and find him. Should it be the case, we also have to fight against him,” Ezra said, like it was the easiest thing in the world. For her, it might even be. I’ve seen her on the field, many times. She moves fast, brings decisions fast, and she improvises unlike any other soldier I’ve ever met. She wasn’t the talker, she could do what others couldn’t - including me. Maybe she will really manage to apprehend him.
“Our primary mission is to spy on him, to follow him and report his moves to our main force – Special Operations Squad. They will handle him further,” Ezra said.
Handle him, she says. He is one of the most challenging and most difficult targets to catch. Reiner is formidably strong in his human form, yet alone when he is the Armored Titan. Fighting him is practically impossible; we do not stand a chance. Going against him only means our certain deaths.
However, from the moment we signed into the Scouting Legion, we knew we were going to sacrifice our lives for the sake of humanity. Why is this any different to any other mission we have been on?
Besides, things weren’t so hopeless for us after all. Without Bertholdt, he will be unstable. Shaken. More opened, and more vulnerable. With the right bait and right traps, we might even lure him and deal with the Armored Titan once and for all.
“We will have help from Captain Gustav Lindemann of the East Unit, and Captain Romulo Brass from the South Unit of the Scouting Legion. We are leaving tomorrow at dawn, so be prepared,” Ezra warned. “You should all take rest. You are now dismissed.”
The formal part was over. Some soldiers went to the dormitory, but some stayed. I didn’t feel tired anymore, I felt anxious. I was excited.
“Those who can’t sleep, can join me for a card game,” Corporal Schwarz added, looking specifically at me. I knew she would invite me, but I didn’t really feel comfortable around other soldiers.
“I will go get the table arranged,” Christiana smiled cheerfully to her. Hans went for a bottle of wine and glasses, and Griselda set the chairs around one small table, near the fireplace. It was nearly a tradition. I got up, feeling like I need to leave them alone, but in truth… I was afraid to be left alone with myself. My thoughts tormented me, my memories too. I didn’t want to remember. Somebody pushed me while I stood, and it was harsh.
“Well, I bet you didn’t see that one coming… the capture of the Colossal Freak,” one mocking voice approached me from behind. I turned my head to face Wilhelm Vagner, giving him one tired look. He was tall, with dark brown hair and ocher eyes. He was one of those who bullied me the most when they found out I’ve been involved with a monster. And I couldn’t even blame him for that.
“We are after the other asshole now. It must be quite a shocker, to go after him yourself, mustn’t it? Aren’t you at least a bit worried for your psychopath-boyfriend?” he teased.
“Just let it go,” I said, but his fingers dug into my arm, squeezing it. His face was close to mine, his eyes filled with hatred and rage. I disgusted him.
“I won’t. No matter how many times Corporal forgives you, I won’t. I can’t trust you. No one can. You were fucking that monster, you were with him. You are a freak. I say you aren’t a trustworthy person, or a reliable soldier.”
I felt something in my throat, something that started choking me. I went through these things before, I was having a hard time with some soldiers who shared Wilhelm’s perspective… but I couldn’t say anything to defend myself. I didn’t want to. I felt like I deserved all the hatred I got.
“And I say it doesn’t matter what you say, Willie - boy. Stop acting like a immature bully and behave like a man, or I will show you how to be one.” Corporal’s strict voice surprised him this time.
“Corporal, I…”
“Liselotte isn’t responsible for that monster’s actions, nor she will be judged for them. I thought I made sure of that already, so why are you bothering her again?” she glared at him. She crossed her arms on her chest, starting to get frightening.
“If you trust her, it doesn’t mean I have to too, you know,” he mumbled.
“Yeah, I know. But you won’t molest her again, not while in my squad. Is that clear?” she asked. He didn’t respond immediately. “Is that CLEAR, soldier?!” she repeated.
“Yes, ma’am. It is, ma’am,” he finally responded, gritting his teeth.
“Good. Now, back off,” she ordered. He gave her one enraged look before he obeyed. She turned to me. “Don’t let his words get you, girl.”
“They won’t,” I said, trying to fool her.
“Like Hell they won’t. Your eyes are already wet. Come over here,” she sighted. We moved next to window, to have some privacy.
“I am well aware what I am asking of you. If you aren't willing to go, I won’t force you,” she said.
“I… I want to go. Please, don’t exclude me. It will be like I am being punished twice!”
“If you go with us tomorrow, you will have to do all I say, and you might not be able to. He is… someone very dear to you. You think you hate him, you think you will be able to face him and get a revenge or whatever you are planning to get… but the truth is… you are vulnerable to him. You might hesitate, and that’s something I can’t manage. And I don’t like when I can’t manage things.”
I nodded. “I know, Corporal. But you've trained me, and you know me. I won’t hesitate, I just… I need some answers. I need to know why. I am not vulnerable to him, I am furious! He destroyed me!” I said, growing angry. “He used me, and broke me, like he broke that damned Wall that protected us. I've lost too much to forgive him, and to be indecisive when facing him,” I reassured her.
“I want Commander Smith to capture him with Corporal Levi’s Squad, and I want to assist in any way I can. I feel like I need to. If our tracking can help, I will gladly go after him, spy on him or even lure him. If we happen to fight, I will definitely try to capture him with the rest of our squad… or die trying,” I said, meaning every word. We don’t have time to be hesitant. I can’t afford to be.
“If you want to go, I need to know that you are a hundred percent sure,” Ezra was looking through the window. The world was painted in black, grey and purplish - blue shades of night.
“I am, Corporal! I swear!” I offered my heart, placing my fist on my heart.
“Don’t swear onto me until you hear what I know… and what I have in mind,” Ezra Schwarz warned me in advance.