Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Chapter Text

Skoodge had become disillusioned with Irk.

It was hard to say exactly when this had happened- even after being put on a planet doomed to be his unmaking he still held to his beliefs that he was bettering the Empire. It was in his programming after all- the PAK insisted that orders by the Tallest were orders for the benefit of Irken kind. Thus, the Invader did as he was trained to do: and infiltrated a world of devouring rat people.

Successfully.

It was then he found himself a sacrifice, strapped to a device meant to devastate the planet he had successfully conquered. But still he had gone along with what he was told. Irkens were nearly indestructible after all- the perfect predator. A mere planet-wide detonation of an armed warhead was nothing compared to Irken survivability. So he found his way back to his Tallest. Promises were made and Skoodge found himself cast out again. This time to Hobo Thirteen.

This time, with Irken defect Zim.

He knew Zim. He had known him for quite some time- even before the name had become synonymous in their language with: catastrophic failure. It was seeing Zim given the same story that he had heard from the Tallest that finally caused him to accept his standing in the ranks. He was a top Invader, he was a master at blending in, he was the textbook definition of what he needed to be in order to excel in the Irken army- to permeate the defenses on unsuspecting worlds and plant the seeds of destruction for the Irken Empire.

And yet he was short.

Thus despite all of his actual accomplishments, he would never be able to rise in rank. The whole situation may have been funny had it been happening to someone else.

So, it was with determination and bitterness that Skoodge took the final plunge. If he was going to be spending his time as bait- one step above the actual corpses on the battle field- then he might as well just vanish all together. It was not going to be easy, and to avoid being tracked, Skoodge would need to make some rather… risky adjustments to his PAK. (Not that he thought he would be worth tracking, but it was better to be safe than sorry).

All of this thinking is what had lead him here; to a little house with blowfish out front and an unconvincing flag boasting a love for Earth that contrasted against the grim, gritty landscape it claimed to adore. The uncanny and unblinking eyes of poorly designed gnomes followed him as he made his way to what could only be the door to a human bathroom.

Ah yes, Zim had never been the best at research. He was one to skim the outline and try to fill in the glaring holes with whatever he thought made sense. It was a poorly designed process for any Irken- but for Zim- it was worse. A defect had no distinct form of logic, it is what made them so glaringly dangerous to the structure of Irken society. Ah yes, even as a smeet Zim had done his irreversible damages to the planet. And still, Skoodge knew that the best way to vanish from an empire would be to hide  in the one place no one wanted to be looking.  

He raised a hand, disguise in place (it was a hologram of a human designed to flawlessly fool locals while still identifying him as Irken to his fellows) and knocked on the door. It had been quite some time since he had seen Zim, but maybe the distance had been good for the defect.

He waited, and waited, and gradually he knocked again.

The door finally opened and Zim's SIR was standing before him looking up with bright glowing, blue eyes. "OH BOY! IT'S THE PIZZA!"

"Skoodge?" Zim was on top of a weird, black and peach looking creature with primitive ocular accessories. It must have been one of the humans- a native species to Earth (Skoodge had done quite a bit of research to blend in; though it seemed this would be unnecessary as Zim was without his disguise rolling on the floor with this being. It must have been a game as Zim could easily have killed the human by this point, had that been the intent).

"Zim…" Skoodge stepped forward, stumbling a bit as he realized the SIR unit had started to clamber up his body searching for something he clearly did not have. Skoodge was thankful he had the forethought to close the door because the SIR had deactivated his holographic disguise with all its poking and prodding.  Zim hopped off the human and pulled the SIR off with some difficulty as the human scrambled to its feet.

"Awww master, why'd he steal my pizza!?" The SIR let out a small whine.

"Not now, GIR, go in the other room and monitor our perimeter." He ushered the SIR away and it bounded off into a nearby wall, colliding with it and then just sitting on the floor in front of it as if no orders had been given. Skoodge had been there when the SIR was issued to Zim, he knew it was… "glitchy" but this was beyond comprehension. It was a wonder that Zim had not been killed by the locals due to his SIR's incompetence. "Skoodge, what are you doing here?"

"Hey! It's one of those aliens like you! He's Irken!" The human looked excited. "You know this guy?" He knelt down to be more level with the Irkens. Skoodge's antennae both stood up as he took a defensive pose, teeth bared. Zim shook his head.

"No it's fine. This is my human pet."

"I am not a pet!" The human remarked indignantly. "I'm Zim's friend, old arch rival."

"Shut up human filth, the Irkens are talking!" Zim, clenched his fists, aggressively invading the human's space. The human made a face and simply shoved Zim to the side to get a better look at Skoodge. If Zim had truly not wanted to be moved, he would not have been tossed away so easily. Thus, Skoodge was able to determine that this human was no real threat. It might have been some sort of… weird friendship. It would take a lot to befriend a destructive force such as Zim. But if you could get through the mayhem and chaos- he was an absolutely brilliant mind. And right now, he was about the only Irken who might be willing to help Skoodge.

"So you're another Invader? I mean… you and Zim kind of have the same uniform going on- is that like an indicator of your rank?"

"I was an Invader… of sorts." Skoodge waved the question away "Zim, I wanted to talk to you…" He looked at the human who was inching closer to him, visibly fighting the urge to touch him. He batted a curious hand away. "Alone."

"Ah- yes.." Zim frowned. "Dib you are dismissed."

"Dismissed? Are you fucking serious right now?"

"GET OUT YOU MONKEY SLIME!" Zim pointed dramatically toward the door. Skoodge watched as the human seemed to weigh all his options before reluctantly grabbing a bag off the floor. "I'm just going to find everything out from GIR later." He shrugged. "See you tomorrow Zim."

"Yes yes, I will see you tomorrow you piece of Earth trash now get out of my lair." The human exited with only a little nudging from Zim and the Irken defect closed the door behind it. "Skoodge, what on Irk has brought you here!?"

"I wanted to see you Zim." It was clear from the expression on the fellow Invader's face, that the comment had caught him quite off his guard. "I needed to talk to you. Things aren't going great for me on Irk right now." He paused, antenna sticking up straight. "The human is listening in- outside.." he glanced toward the window.

"He'll do that- it's fine. He won't tell anyone and even if he does no one will believe him." Zim waved a hand dismissively. "Nothing has ever been great for Skoodge on Irk. You are short and fat. What changed to make it so now you care?"

"Wow." Skoodge had been told about his appearance many times, and honestly it was easy to wave off the insults. It was just Zim's matter-of-fact tone that had surprised him. "Look I know I'm not a tallest or anything but I'm still good at my job."

"Ah yes, Zim heard about your successes on Blorch." It was a little odd to hear Zim speaking in the formal, Irken third-person when talking to Skoodge of all people; but it made the squat invader realize that, despite his insults, Zim did at least respect his accomplishments.

"That's impressive since I wasn't actually credited for them."

"Zim noticed that too…" He didn't seem to have much to say on that matter. "Is that why you came here? Because the Tallest won't acknowledge your accomplishments?" Now that the matter of his success was out of the picture, Skoodge noticed Zim's polite speech was wavering back into colloquial Irken.

"No. Well… yes… but not just that." Skoodge took a deep breath. "Look, Zim, I know you're at odds with the Empire right now too and-" Skoodge did not get a chance to finish his thought as, just at that moment, volts of electricity went surging up through the floor directly into his PAK. For a moment, Skoodge saw an array of colors, then, nothing at all.

Zim just blinked as his fellow Irken began seizing out and sparking mid sentence. For a moment he just wondered if this was part of some sort of game of charades- but since charades was an entirely Earthly concept and thus an Irken like Skoodge should have no knowledge of it, the odds of that seemed incredibly unlikely.

"C.B!"

"The Irken threat has been temporarily neutralized."  

"Irken threat!? C.B., he has been here for FIVE MINUTES! WHY ARE YOU ONLY JUST NOW DEFENDING YOUR MASTER!?!?"

"Oh. I wasn't paying attention."

"Why is every robot I work with just awful?"

C.B. seemed content to ignore the comment. A mechanical arm reached from the ceiling, lifting Skoodge by his PAK. "Shall I exterminate the Irken intruder?"

"No. Just, take him to the lab. I will wake him up. You try to-" Zim was cut off as the PAK on Skoodge's back popped off far too easily in the mechanical claw's grip.

"Oops."

"MOTHRA DAMN IT C.B!!! JUST GET HIM TO MY LAB!" Now things had moved from a mild annoyance to an actual emergency for Skoodge. "You can let Dib back in but for Mothra's sake TRY not to accidentally kill him!"

"May I kill him on purpose?"

"What!? NO! Just focus on helping your Master in the lab." Zim grabbed Skoodge's body, hoisting it onto his back and rushing to his lab elevator.

"But his freakishly large head makes me uncomfortable."

"It makes everyone uncomfortable C.B., it is just something you will learn to accept." The elevator dropped more quickly than normal (which Zim appreciated, at least C.B. respected the urgency of the situation) toward the lab. Zim disembarked quickly and found his supplies already laid out and waiting (Maybe C.B. wasn't such a terrible A.I.) as Zim plopped Skoodge up on the table.

As Zim turned over his fellow Irken, and started to get to work, he had a moment of silence to reflect on just how strange this day had become. Whatever it was Skoodge had wanted to discuss with him, it had better be important.

Chapter 2 Doodles

Chapter Text

“Hand me  th -”  Zim  cut off as the tool he was looking for was already being offered forward by one of the many mechanical arms that were laced throughout the base. He was doing his best to re-attach the PAK on  Skoodge’s  back. From the look of things, it had never been attached properly to begin with. It bothered  Zim  just a bit that, for all of  Skoodge’s  life, he had been to the PAK technicians many times. (Admittedly, some of those visits were because of  Zim , back in the days of  training ). Surely someone should have noticed it was not properly installed.   

He wordlessly took the next tool from C.B. as he continued. It was not the job he had been coded for, but  Zim  knew a good bit about PAK repair. It had been a necessity back in his Elite Training given how many times he would get injured.   

He didn’t recall  Skoodge  ever complaining about an ill-fitting PAK, but admittedly,  Zim  had not paid much attention to  Skoodge  back in his training days. Despite the fact that the two had been partners in their schooling,  Zim  was often busy with other things.   

“ You think he’s still got the pizza ?” Unblinking glowing blue eyes peered over the edge of the table.  Zim  narrowed his eyes.   

“He’s not the pizza guy, GIR. He’s  Skoodge , a fellow  Irken  invader like myself. Do you understand that?” The robot tilted its head to the side.   

“ Yeah! ”  

“Do you really?”  

“ Noooooo .” At least GIR was being honest.   

“C.B., deal with this.  Zim  has no time for GIR’s games!” While the immediate danger for  Skoodge  had passed,  Zim  had decided to fix the connectors on his back to- hopefully- stop this from happening again. Why? He wasn’t exactly sure, but  Skoodge  had come all this way and  Zim’s  computer had nearly killed him, so maybe it was just  Zim’s  way of apologizing.   

A metal arm came down from the ceiling and picked the SIR up by its torso. GIR giggled and flailed wildly as he vanished into the ceiling. “ I’M GOIN’ TO SPACE! ” GIR’s cheer faded eventually into nothing as  Zim  let out a long sigh.   

“You didn’t actually launch him into space, did you?”  Zim  had  to  be sure.   

“ No. I simply dumped him on the human upstairs. Why? Did you want me to launch him? It would not be  hard;  we still have that old canon in the weapons area. ”  

Zim  had to think about it for a moment before finally shaking his head. “No, no leaving him with the human filth is fine.” It wasn’t like he had too much left to do. It was just delicate work and he did not feel like allowing GIR to run amok in his lab while he had  Skoodge’s central nervous system open and on display. Dib could handle GIR for a little while, and if he couldn’t, that was really more of a Dib problem.  

More time passed and  Zim  finally had fully reattached the PAK to  Skoodge’s  back. It was even better than before, if he was being honest. At least- in his opinion it was. Really the final judge on the matter would be  Skoodge .  Zim  reset the PAK and after only a few seconds  Skoodge’s  eyes fluttered back open and PAK legs unfolded themselves rapidly, making a jab for  Zim  who easily blocked with his own metallic PAK legs. He had anticipated a reaction like this, since  Skoodge  had technically been attacked by  Zim’s  (slightly faulty) security.   

“ Zim .”  Skoodge blinked back into the moment and the legs withdrew back into his PAK. He rolled his shoulders turning his head to look more at his back. “Did you fix my PAK?”  

“It was easy.”  Zim  waved it off before  Skoodge  looked too far into the action. “But you have not explained why you decided to come here.”  Skoodge’s  antennae drooped at the almost accusatory tone in  Zim’s  voice. He sighed.   

“I don’t want to be a part of Irk any more. I’m nothing to them. I want to disconnect from the Collective. Like you did.”   

“You  want  to disconnect!?”

The Collective.

It was the center of being Irken . It linked you to others, connecting Irkens as one despite the exanses of the universe that separated them. It made Irkens into something far greater than just themselves. All Irkens  were linked to the Collective through their PAKs from table drones to Tallest. It was the very essence of their race. While it was not a true hive mind in the sense that all minds were linked to one, controlling source- it was the ever-present knowledge that you were  Irken  and that you were never, truly alone.   

“I’m worried if I  don’t,  they may come looking for me.”   

“I hardly think that you are worth the time it would take to find you.”  Zim was being a little harsh, but the mention of the Collective and disconnecting from it had put him on edge. To be forced out of the Collective was so... lonely. It was an unspeakable feeling of isolation as if every thought you had was just being screamed into an empty void when there used to be an audience the size of a planet. It was the harshest punishment an Irken  could receive.  

“You’re probably right. It sounds crazy to say it out loud.” Skoodge  laughed, most likely feeling the shift in the tone of  Zim’s  words. He could see the harshness in those round, crimson eyes. “But! It’s actually a good thing I came anyway.” He let the subject drop for now.   

“Is it?”  Zim  was starting to regret fixing the PAK.  

“There are a few things I  wanted to discuss with you. I mean, you talked so highly of Earth back on Hobo Thirteen. I wanted to see it for myself.”   

“I feel like there is more to it than tourism...”  Zim  was a tad confused by  Skoodge’s aloofness until he heard the elevator doors swing open and a screaming robot was thrown full force into his face. Zim, too, screamed as he tried, unsuccessfully, to pull GIR off.   

“ Hiya master !”  

“DON’T leave me with GIR that long again!” Zim  looked in the direction from which GIR had been thrown to find a very angry DIB glaring at him.   

“You’re still here?”  Zim  smirked. “I would have thought you’d have given up ages ago.”  

“I am not your robot baby sitter!” Dib huffed. “And I am not leaving until I get an explanation for who exactly this guy is! Is he some kind of threat? C.B took him out so I’m guessing he’s here to take you back to  Foodcortia ! You’ll have to go through me first!” Dib whipped a little hand held laser gun out of his trench coat pointing it toward Skoodge  in what Dib assumed was a threatening manner.  Skoodge  looked rather nonplussed by having a weapon of unknown origin shoved in his face and just sort of looked to  Zim .   

“Is your security system just going to let this happen? He has a weapon on him and we just allow it but I have a conversation and I get electrocuted.”  

“ I analyzed the weapon. It would hurt you but you would be fine .” C.B. assured him.   

“Really?”  Skoodge  looked mildly annoyed.  

“ It is a risk I am willing to take .”  

“Dib, put it down. You’re not going to intimidate him, he survived  Blorch .” Dib looked a little annoyed that his attempt to be a bad ass cop had been so easily shot down, but put the gun back in his coat. “ Skoodge  isn’t a threat, C.B. just ran security protocols a little late.”  Zim  turned to  Skoodge , “Which I am very sure he  is  sorry about.”  

“ I am not .”   

Zim  ignored him. “ Skoodge  is...” he paused. “I suppose you would call it a co-worker? He just came to get away from Irk for a little while.”   

“Maybe forever.”  Skoodge  piped up.   

“Right.”  Zim  was not sure how he felt about the idea of having  Skoodge  back in his life. The loneliness after being severed from the collective had been... debilitating.  Zim  had felt so distant from his own species- like he was something else entirely. Looking at another  Irken  felt almost... alien to him- more so than even looking at the hideous creature that was Dib.   

“Well I don’t trust him. Not yet.” Dib continued to give  Skoodge  a skeptical look. The chubby  Irken  seemed unphased by Dib’s attempts to be threatening.   

“Do you trust me?”  Zim  asked, pointedly.   

“Not... entirely.” True the two had developed an odd friendship, but Dib could never be one hundred  percent  convinced  Zim  had truly given up on his dreams of conquest. It seemed as if the spark had been drained from him, that was true, but Dib had been fooled by h im  before.   

“Right. You don’t trust anyone.”  

“And I don’t trust you either if it helps!” Skoodge piped in.   

“Surprisingly it does.” Dib was sizing up the other  Irken  trying to figure out if any of his old ‘ Zim -Catching’ Plans would work on this guy.   

“ I HEAR BEES !” GIR interrupted the mutual distrust, still attached to  Zim’s  head. “ THEY WANT OUR TACOS! WE CAN’T LET THEM HAVE OUR TACOS MASTER! ”  

“I hear buzzing too.”  Skoodge’s  antennae stood up. Dib pinched the bridge of his nose. “It’s my phone guys, calm down.” He really should just put it on silent,  Irkens  were far too sensitive to the vibrations and he wasn’t a fan to  Zim  trying to go through his messages.  

ROOMMATE (11:36 PM): Hey your computer is going crazy. Is there a way to turn it off?  

Dib blinked at the message. He had only left basic monitoring programs running in the background when he left. Why would those be sending out alarms? It was possible one of the many programs he had been using to check for alien entrance into the atmosphere had picked up  Skoodge’s  arrival, but that was hours ago (Dib was only just now seeing the time) and shouldn’t have only just now started making noises.  

ME (11:40 PM): I’ll turn it  off . On my way back right now.  

“I  gotta  go.” Dib shoved the phone quickly in his pocket “But when I come back tomorrow, you had better be ready to explain what is happening.”  

“I feel like I’ve been pretty upfront about it. It isn’t my fault you’re stupid.”  Zim  retorted. Dib simply flicked him off and headed into the elevator. The two  Irkens  watched him go in a moment of silence, only broken by the sound of GIR chewing on the top of  Zim’s  head.   

“He seems... interesting.”  Skoodge   reached  up, helping pull the SIR off of its master.   

“He’s really not.”  Zim  assured him. “Tell me  Skoodge , were you really just  planning  to up and move to Earth?”  

“Honestly?”  Skoodge   awkwardly  rubbed the back of his head. “I kind of was.”  

Chapter Text

“Clark?” Dib poked his head into the apartment and was instantly greeted with the blaring sound of his computer’s alarm. That was louder than he remembered and honestly, he was surprised he had gotten several angry phone calls after he promised he would return.  

Clar was actually Dib’s fourth attempt at a roommate- the other three having lasted about one month combined, and Clark having lasted one moth in total. Dib had a way of making people pack up and leave pretty quickly, whether it be his unusual hobbies, odd hours, or the fact that he did his research (which some called “borderline stalking”). But so far Clark had been more or less indifferent of all of Dib’s little quirks and side projects.  

“Lovely sound, isn’t it?” Even now as an alarm pierced the quiet two-bedroom apartment, Clark was simply sitting with headphones on, reading a book on the couch in the mutual living space. He pulled off the headphones, upon seeing Dib, leaving his curly black hair somewhat ruffled by the movement. He took off his glasses, rubbing his eyes, exhausted. “Been a really fun hour.” 

“Sorry about that. I should probably put a sleep timer on it. I didn’t realize how loud it was. First time it’s gone off.” He opened the door to his room and took a seat at his computer. Clark followed along behind him watching him log in and finally put a stop to the piercing wail.  

“Thank you, I forgot what peace and quiet sounded like.” He breathed a sigh of relief closing his eyes for a moment as Dib began looking at the source of the issue. The program he had designed took (not-so-legal) footage from various space probes. Dib was using them to monitor Earth, keeping an eye out for any other possible invaders. Zim had many enemies, after all, the Irken was quite proud of that fact. So, Dib had to be safe.  

“I’m surprised you didn’t just go to the RA. Get them to unlock my room for you.” Odd, the time stamp on the alarm didn’t sync up at all with when Dib assumed Skoodge had arrived. When the alarm was triggered, Skoodge was already here.  

“You’re kind of a private person. I didn’t think you’d want me going through your stuff when you aren’t here.”  

“Oh... thanks.” He was a bit surprised that he was so considerate.  

“So, what is all this anyway?” Dib had found the footage after some deep investigation. Turns out not too long ago, a blurry shape had plummeted toward Earth’s surface far too rapidly to have been an intentional landing. Skoodge had never once mentioned a crash... this was definitely something unrelated.  

“Huh?” Dib hadn’t really been paying attention to Clark; he was so enthralled by what was before him that he had nearly forgotten the other was in the room. “Oh, um... it’s just kind of a side project.” He ran the footage back, more slowly. It didn’t look like anything he had seen before on Earth, that was certain. Then again, the footage was blurry... 

“What kind of side project? Is that real?” Clark’s bright blue eyes squinted at the screen. “Looks like something out of a movie.”  

“Yeah it looks like something fell not too far from here.” Dib ran the coordinates as quickly as he could.  “I’ll be heading out again.” He sent some screenshots to his phone. Zim would want to check this out too, but Dib had found it first. He pushed his chair back out and rolled away from his computer desk, getting to his feet quickly. “Sorry about the noise.” 

“No big deal, this actually looks kind of fun.” Clark followed Dib out into the main room. “Mind if I come with you?” 

“W- wait, what?” Dib wasn’t sure if he had heard the other correctly.  

“Can I come with you I mean, it’s kind of late. You shouldn’t go alone. Plus, it is all pretty crazy! It reminds me of something that would have been on that old mystery show....  Mysterious Mysteries ! That was it! They had reruns on yesterday.”  

Now Dib was thoroughly confused. “ You  like  Mysterious Mysteries ?”  

“Yeah! It was a pretty crazy show. Why is that surprising?” Dib looked Clark over. He was shorter than Dib, pale skin, freckles, dark curly hair. He dressed in a flannel over-shirt with a T-shirt and jeans. He looked like a country boy (save for the sneakers rather than traditional boots)- which was expected given the thick accent. (It had taken some adjustment on Dib’s part just to understand whatever Clark was saying at any given point in time.) 

“It’s just... I figured you were out on the ranch when you were younger- lassoing buffalo or whatever you used to do.” Dib was mostly teasing, and Clark laughed. He didn’t want to admit that Clark just didn’t look like the kind of person who shared his interests.  

“My parents are military. You are aware Texas isn’t just one big ranch, right?” He seemed genuine amused. “So, you want to take your car or my truck?”  

“You seriously want to come along to find some unidentified  thing  that fell out of the sky?” He wasn’t entirely sure he wanted to deal with hiding information, just in case this was Irken. However, it was the first time someone had seemed genuinely interested in his hobby and, honestly, it felt kind of nice to hear the offer.  

“Yeah! It could be military, if it is, I can tell my moms. They can report it to their superiors. But who knows,” he wiggled his fingers dramatically. “Maybe it’s aliens~”   

“Do you not believe in aliens?” Dib raised an eyebrow.  

“I find it a possibility. The universe is infinitely large and it is just unlikely that we are the only planet capable of developing intelligent life.” It was a vague answer, but it wasn’t an immediate shut down. Dib would accept it. He would also have to accept that he was bringing his roommate along on this possible recovery mission. He would have killed for an opportunity like this back in school- so why was it after he had made his peace with Zim that he found someone who might be willing to give his cryptid talk and actual chance? 

It was frustrating to be sure.  

“Come on, we can take my car.” He wanted to make sure he would be in charge of the stereo. “I have the directions programmed in my phone already.”  

“This is going to be fun!” Usually Dib went alone on these sorts of “hunts for the unknown”. Occasionally, he would be able to convince Gaz to go with him, but Clark’s up-beat and energetic attitude was a far cry from Dib’s usual company. Even Zim was mostly just one to complain about everything when they went out investigating together. It was so common-place that Dib wasn’t sure how to handle enthusiasm.  

“Yeah... sure.” He headed down the steps to the car, Clark right behind him. “You seem really excited about finding something that may turn out to be a hoax.” 

“I mean, hoax or not, it’ll be fun to actually hang out with you for once.” Dib blinked, looking completely floored by the comment. His hand had frozen on the door handle of the car. “Dude, you okay?” Clark looked over at him, seeing Dib just freeze. “You look like I just punched you.” 

“Y-yeah...” he shrugged off the compliment, not really sure how to handle it. “I’m fine. Let’s just get going.” He opened the door sliding into the driver's seat. Clark slid in next to him. “Are you sure you want to get dragged along? You have an early class tomorrow.”  

“Yeah, I’m sure! I’m surprised you know my morning class schedule though; you’re never up when I leave in the morning.” Dib looked down at his phone, checking his GPS before whipping out of the campus parking lot. It was already late, so aside from the streetlights and the occasional window lights, the campus was smothered by a heavy darkness.  

“I know all of your classes. I did research on you when you moved in.” Dib glanced over at the other boy as he started to play his music, turning up the volume quite a bit. The expression on Clark’s face was difficult to read, but that might have just been because it was dark in the car and the only light that would sweep in from the streetlights would cause a glare on Clark’s glasses.  

Finally, Clark gave an awkward laugh. “That’s a little weird, did you do that for all your roommates?” He didn’t seem upset, just surprised.  

“Of course, I did. And it’s not weird!” Dib replied defensively. “I’m not living with someone that I don’t know without checking them out first.” 

“So, you looked up my schedule?”  

“Yeah, I wanted to see what you were taking. You’re a pre-med major so at least I know you like science. And since your grades are good you have to be at least somewhat intelligent.” 

“You know my  grades ?” Clark sat up a bit more in his seat.  

“Okay that may actually be a bit weird.  BUT  the guy before you  was  actually failing out and he tried to steal one of my research projects so I was  concerned .” Clark was quiet for a moment, seemingly weighing the action against the reason Dib had provided.  

“Okay... that makes some sense I suppose. But how did you  get  my grades? You can’t exactly ask for them.” 

“The  how  isn’t important. Just know that our school has mediocre cyber security.”   

“Right.” There was a hint of a smile on Clark’s face in the darkness. “Anything else you researched about me before hand? Or was this all strictly academic?”  

“Just the basic things you put on your social media, also your blood type and allergies, and that you’re adopted and all of that.”  

Clark looked at him in complete shock. “I’m  ADOPTED !?”  

“W-wait...” Dib quickly looked away. “Y-you knew right I mean-” He found himself back tracking as his roommate just stared at him, bright blue eyes wide in utter disbelief. “Y-you had to have known. I mean... Clark...  y ou have  two moms .”  

There was a moment of silence before Clark burst out laughing. Dib nearly slammed his foot on the break not sure what to make of the situation. “S-sorry, I thought it was funny.”  

“You were  joking .” It clicked with Dib and he gradually got the car back to its original speed. He was glad no one else was one the road. “I thought I had just ruined your life!”  

“Sorry, sorry.” He was still laughing. “That was poorly timed- I shouldn’t scare the driver.” 

“I almost drove off the road!  Jesus fuck ,  Clark !” Dib swearing seemed to only make Clark laugh harder. Dib surprised himself as he let out a little chuckle. He couldn’t believe he had bought into Clark’s disbelief for even a second. 

“Well it’s the least I can do to repay you for looking up my grades.”  

“Fair enough.” Dib actually grinned. 

Dib was starting to actually enjoy having company. They had left the city limits and had ventured into the outskirts of the surrounding area. The suburban houses were growing scarce and the darkness of the night was settling in more heavily, casting everything around them in dark shadows. The strange UFO his computer had picked up had fallen close enough to be an easy trip, but far enough away that Dib felt they would be fairly isolated. It might be nice not to be totally alone on the off chance some shadowy government organization tried to take him hostage.  

Eventually, the car slid off the highway into the side streets and eventually onto a dirt road. Dib stopped the car peering into the darkness. He could see trees ahead and his car was a little too expensive to risk on a night time forest drive. (Not that his father wouldn’t just buy him a new one- but still that would involve having to go home and admit he crashed it). “We’ll have to continue here on foot.” He stepped out of the car, peering into the darkness ahead.  

“Is it far?” Clark hopped out beside him. “I cannot see a thing. Wow.”  

“It’s not.... too far.” Dib checked his phone before opening the trunk of his car and pulling out a bag he had stowed away just in case of a situation like this. He reached in, tossing Clark a lantern. The dark-haired man fumbled to catch it, only barely succeeding.  

“Please warn me before throwing light sources at my face.” Clark flipped the lantern on as Dib fished around his bag to find his flash light. Clark leaned toward him, holding the light so he could see. He retrieved the flashlight with ease and turned it on as well, taking the lead.  

“You caught it.” Dib dismissed his complaint. Now, on the off chance he was going to find alien life- he was going to need to start manufacturing excuses to cover for Zim. (He silently was pleading with himself that Zim was not going to be the cause of this particular wreck- despite the fact that he had been with Zim at the time of the alarm so it would be nearly impossible for Zim to have caused it. Still, if there was a way to cause a disaster while at home- Zim would be the one to find it). Back in the old days, Dib would have been happy just to out Zim as the alien monstrosity he was, however, things had changed. Dib had come to realize, in his maturity, that Zim was not a real threat any longer. Outing him to the general public would really just bring Zim to harm.  

“Dib careful!” Clark grabbed his shoulder rather suddenly, snapping Dib back to reality. Dib blinked, looking uncertainly at his shorter roommate. Clark held the lantern down and illuminated that the ground took a sudden, sharp dip.  

“How did you see that?” Dib took a step back before carefully starting his way down.  

“Yow shown your flashlight right on it. Then you just kept walking like you didn’t see it. I was concerned.” Clark slid down after him, not quite as cautious as Dib had been, but to be fair, Clark wasn’t the one carrying equipment. He took a few steps to regain his balance as he reached the bottom, before squinting in the distance. “Hey... you see that?”  

Dib did not see much of anything. He held up his flashlight, but Clark lowered his hand back down, shaking his head. Dib squinted, taking a few more steps ahead, then a few more. Finally, he saw a vague glow in the distance. It was incredibly faint, but it did not look like the stagnant light of something electrical, it looked more like the dynamic light of a fire.  

“Woah...” Dib picked up his pace.  

“Hey wait!” he could hear his heart racing, drowning out the thud of Clark’s footsteps as the two college seniors stumbled their way into a devastated little clearing. It looked like, at one point, trees had been standing there. However, something had crashed through them, limbs and brush were carelessly strewn about and badly singed. The area smelled like fire and there was a slight smoke that was hovering in the air. At the very end, there was a very large, odd looking, white vessel. Dib burst into a run to get a better look. The outside had taken major damage from the fall, the door had popped off and was tossed somewhere out of sight. There was a strange symbol painted on the back of the ship something that looked like a many-ringed planet with a few moons. There was strange writing underneath. Dib snapped a quick picture with his phone.  

“Holy shit...” Clark breathed. He leaned over in an attempt to catch his breath, coughing as the smoke hit his nose. “What is this thing? Looks like some kind of military drone...”  

“It could be...” Dib was completely enthralled, taking more photos with his phone. He started to poke his head in where the door had come off. The interior was even more enthralling, panels and lights smashed but not beyond recognition. There was wiring hanging from the ceiling, sparking ominously as Dib put one foot in. He felt Clark grab his arm.  

“Bad idea.” Clark shook his head. “I don’t think this thing looks stable at all.” 

“It’s fine.” It probably wasn’t, but safety be damned. Dib needed to see this closer. He slid his arm out of Clark’s grip and stepped inside, ducking under some of the misshapen tiles that were sagging from the ceiling. Something sparked a little closer to his ear than he would have liked and he rubbed his piercing trying to make sure he hadn’t burned his ear.  

“Dib come on. This place looks ready to fall apart...” Dib looked back to see Clark had only stepped half way in himself. Dib turned back to the area ahead. There was, what appeared to be, a primary computer in the center of the ship. He could see a lot of labeled buttons and nobs. He did not, however, see anything like a chair or a living space in the rather small ship. He was beginning to think it was unmanned, which was for the best as a pilot might not have survived such a volatile crash. His shoe crunched on a shattered, glass like substance as he pushed his way in further. Heat burst out from a panel that crashed near his shoulder, He jumped back as the wait wafted into his face. 

Dib hunched over for a moment to cough and as he did so a blinking light caught his eye. This was the only thing that seemed to be in, mostly, one piece. It was a red, round button decorated with the same logo from the side of the ship. Dib pulled his phone out to get a video of the rhythmic blinking. As he did so, the ship shuttered and more contents clattered from the ceiling.  

“Dib!” He heard Clark call to him again as he covered his face with his arms only to be pelted with bits of the tiling from above him. “Please! This isn’t safe!”  

“I’m fine!” He called back quickly. He was starting to think it was time to back out but sa new sound had grabbed his attention. The button had stopped blinking and a small, holographic figure was floating in the air. It wasn’t human, that much he was sure, the eyes were too large and too rounded- though it was bipedal. He could see (what he assumed was) its mouth moving- it looked vaguely humanoid, complete with lips and hair though the language coming out of its mouth was nothing he had heard before. He squinted, the little uniform on the hologram bore that the same symbol from the ship (he was so glad he was recording this all).  

The ship shifted again as Dib leaned in closer. The figure talking had a pale blue skin tone. The eyes were convex and were more of a bright, unnatural blue not often found in nature. The hair was a fire engine red, long, and tied back. The uniform itself was a black and white- he doubted it was Irken and- from what he had gleaned from Tak’s ship- he doubted it was Meekrob. He started to see if there was a way to disconnect the video source to bring it with him.  

The ship shook again and smoke started to pour in a little more quickly.  

The blue skinned figure was still talking, unphased. Dib had long since figured it was a recording and not a live feed.  

“Dib!” Clark sounded a little more desperate. Dib thought he saw where the source of the projection might be stored. He opened his bag, pulling out a few of his tools and kneeling down to dislodge the panel. Whatever material constructed the ship paneling was something tougher than Dib had expected. His crowbar bent with ease.  

There was a larger rumble under his feet and he briefly lost his balance. This time the rumble didn’t really subside. Figuring time was limited, he began working more quickly. He was listening to the recording as best he could but he wasn’t understanding a word of it. He tried hammering at the panel that housed the recording but it didn’t even dent.  

There was a more violent rocking. Dib could barely hear Clark over his own heavy breathing. He wasn’t sure when it had gotten so hot... he could feel his trench coat sticking to his skin, the piercings in his face were starting to sting. His eyes were watering and it was getting distinctively harder to see as the smoke had caused a thin, grey film to form over the lenses of his glasses. He managed to use some leverage to peel up a small corner of the paneling. In just a moment he could have the recording in his hands to bring to Zim.  

What happened next left Dib’s head spinning.  

The ship had given one more, violent shake. The ceiling had begun to cave in and he had felt himself pulled by his shoulders to the small exit where he and Clark were forcible ejected as the ship completely collapsed; a shock-wave of force sending the two humans careening out. Dib slid across the grass as the smaller framed Clark flew back first into a nearby tree. Dib managed to pull himself up onto his elbows, phone still gripped in one hand. He shoved it into his pocket, his arms and shoulders burned with the movement and kit sent him hurling into coughing fits, struggling to catch his breath. He squinted, his glasses had been dislodged in the explosion, as he tried to see if his roommate was okay. He had, fleetingly, seen the nasty hit Clark had taken when he crashed into the tree. 

He saw Clark on his hands and knees as well, coughing violently as smoke continued to billow around them from the wreckage. Dib found himself to be relieved that he hadn’t accidentally caused the death of a fellow human, and he managed to pull himself to his feet.  

He stumbled his way over to Clark, kneeling down to help him up. “Can you walk?” Clark tried to answer but words couldn’t surface their way through the stream of violent coughing. Dib slid Clark’s arm over his shoulder and helped him into a standing position. Together they managed to limp away from the worst of the smoke and try to catch their breath.  

“Are you fucking crazy!?” Clark looked genuinely upset. “You could have gotten killed!” 

“But I didn’t.” Dib pointed out. He paused for a moment, his breathing finally starting to even out. He remembered the hands on his shoulders dragging him out moments before the vessel was engulfed by flame. “Thank you for that... by the way...”  

“I wasn’t going to let you die! I mean for fuck’s sake! What were you thinking!?” 

“I wasn’t...” Dib admitted. “I just... wanted to see if it was some kind of spy drone. You know how it is.” He felt a little bad about lying, but he was fairly certain Clark had not seen the recording and it was better to just let him think he was crazy than deal with the alien discussion tonight.   

“That was not worth your life. I promise.”  

“I mean... you’re probably right.” Dib forced a laugh, trying to lighten the mood. Clark seemed to finally be catching his breath.  

“Well... that was quite an adventure at least. Is this how all your little late-night escapades end?” Clark wiped the ash from his freckled cheek.  

Dib shrugged. “Only most of them.” 

“How are you alive?”  

“With considerable effort.” Dib probably would have found a way out if Clark had not tagged along, but he couldn’t be sure. Perhaps, perhaps not. The company hadn’t been too terrible, but Dib wasn’t sure if it was worth all the secrecy that came with having someone on his alien-hunting quests who wasn’t already aware about the alien presence on Earth.  

Speaking of alien presence... 

Dib fumbled with his phone. “I’m going to let my dad know something crashed here just in case this is one of his weird side projects.” He figured he should give Clark some kind of explanation even if it was a fake one.  

“Yeah this does kind of seem Membrane-esque. Especially the part where it exploded...” Satisfied his explanation had passed, he sent one quick message.  

To: ZIM  

ME (2:14 AM):  I need to talk to you. Do you know what this symbol means? 

[IMAGE ATTACHED] .  

EDIT! Art For this Chapter (FIXED!)

Chapter Text

Dib had every intention of dropping Clark off in the dorm and sneaking back out to see  Zim  ( Irkens didn’t sleep, so it was not like he would be interrupting anything). Though, as it turned out, humans (even clones) really did need to rest after something so draining. Dib and Clark went into their separate rooms and Dib had flopped on the bed, taking a moment to listen out for the sounds of his roommate going to sleep so he could slip out unnoticed .   

The next thing he knew it was mid-afternoon the next day. He had actually missed one of his own classes already, but that was nothing new. Dib had high enough grades that his professors didn’t really care if he showed up so long as he took the tests. Checking the clock, Dib realized Clark was probably in lab  right now, meaning he was free to slip out to visit his alien informant without having to explain himself to another human.   

Dib rolled out of bed, struggling to find clean clothes. His outfit from the night before had been covered in soot and ash, torn and burned beyond salvaging. It was a good thing he owned another trench coat or that might have really been bad.  He tossed the clothes and found something that he was pretty sure was clean before poking his head out into the main living area to make sure he was alone. He was. It looked like Clark had left in a bit of a hurry too as the kitchen still had the makings of lunch scattered over the counter. Dib made himself a quick cup of coffee to fill his thermos before he hurried out of the door and back into his car.  

His phone had died at some point during the night, so Dib had to charge it while he was driving over to  Zim’s  lair. It had been several years, but the  Irken had never thought to update his yard or house, despite knowing that it wasn’t a very convincing disguise. Still, after all this time, there was a certain charm to it. Dib parked beside the curb and headed along the path toward the little bathroom door. He could see the gnomes and blowfish slowly turn to watch him as he drew closer to the entrance. He raised his hand to knock , but the door swung open on its own.   

“ I thought you were dead. ” The holographic form of CB greeted him in the living room. Zim ,  Skoodge , and GIR were nowhere to be seen.   

“Dead? Why would I be dead?” The door slammed shut behind Dib. “Are you mistaking ‘ thought ’ for  ‘wished ’ or something?” Dib was only half joking but CB didn’t seem to understand the humor as the head tilted to the side again.   

“ I do not think so. But perhaps I am .”  

“Where is your master anyway? I need to talk to him about this thing I found last night. I don’t know if he got the photo I sent-”  

“ Oh yes. The intel was received. When further attempts at communication failed, we assumed you were dead and we began planning in the war room. ”   

“War room- wait!  Zim  thinks I’m dead!?”  

“ Are you? ”   

“Fucking seriously?” Dib gave him an exasperated look.  

“ You raise an excellent point. Very well follow me. ” It was odd to see CB walking in front of him considering he wasn’t physically there. His feet didn’t really touch the ground and at one point he gave up faking the steps entirely and was satisfied by simply floating in front of Dib as he took him down the elevator to the laboratory where  Zim   and   Skoodge  were working.   

Well...  Zim  was working.  Skoodge  was reading an  Irken  newspaper and showing  Zim  one of the articles. GIR was the only one who noticed Dib come in and let out a delighted squeal. “ You stopped  bein ’ exploded !” He ran to Dib hugging tightly to his legs.  Zim  looked up, something that may have been relief briefly crossed his face before he went back to looking at the article.   

“Yes well, it is obvious. If the all mighty  Zim  could not defeat this human worm baby then there is no way that the Galactic Syndicate would stand a chance!”  Zim  sounded rather confident, not even bothering to kick Dib out of his lab.   

“Humans are actually quite adaptive and durable when under great duress.” Skoodge remarked. “I’ve been studying them.” Dib wasn’t so sure he liked the sound of that. "It’s amazing how much you have recovered after nearly being wiped out.”   

“How in the fuck do you know about that?” The incident in question had been before  Dib’s  time and if  Zim  had known about it he sure as hell had not mentioned it.  Skoodge  had been on this planet for what was less than forty-eight hours and he had pulled up some rather sensitive information. Was this what the Invaders were actually supposed to be?  

“I went through some of your government’s files. Don’t be so off put. I’m not trying to invade; I’m just trying to figure out why the Galactic Syndicate would be interested in a planet like Earth. No offense to your species, but you are a bit too primitive to meet Syndicate standards.” Skoodge  seemed to be a lot more well-put-together than Zim. Dib was starting to like the idea of him hanging around less and less the more he spoke.   

“In what way is that  not  offensive?”   

“I said ‘no offense’ before it.”   

“He’s got a point.”  Zim  piped up.   

“Don’t agree with him!” Dib shot back defensively. (Maybe he didn’t like the idea of  Skoodge  because it gave the  Irkens  a way to team up against him). “What is this ‘Galactic Syndicate’ anyway? I have never heard you mention them once.”   

“The Galactic Syndicate are...”  Skoodge  trailed off looking for the right words.   

“Scum!”  Zim  interjected helpfully.   

“Well... maybe. That is probably a matter of opinion. Currently they are in a tentative treaty with the  Irken Empire. We do not share our weapons or intel with them, but we also are not targeting their planets in Operation Impending Doom II. But Earth isn’t a Syndicate planet, nor does it have all the qualifications to garner their interest. So, the fact that you found their drone is a bit alarming. Especially with Zim  and I being Invaders, if this was a Syndicate planet, we could be seen as a threat and our fragile treaty would be devastated.”   

“Not that we couldn’t win.”  Zim  grumbled.   

“The symbol on the ship was for this Galactic Syndicate?” Dib perked up. He would have to plow through  Tak’s ship for information on them later. This was something well worth investigating. Despite having been insulted, this trip was becoming quite lucrative for him after all. Could it be that a closer alien threat had set its eyes upon his  planet?  “What would they want with Earth?”   

“Nothing, from what I could figure.”  Zim  sounded annoyed.   

“ Maybe they want to steal all our cows and use them as their new subjects so that they can become the Milk King .” GIR suggested, still clinging to Dib’s leg. “ And we’ll never have burgers again .”  He was promptly ignored.   

“Well I did get a recording from some blue alien hologram on the ship.” Dib pulled out his still-nearly-dead phone.  Zim  immediately jumped on the lab table, pushing  Skoodge  aside. “I couldn’t understand what it was saying but-”  

“Why did you not mention this when you sent the picture!?”  Zim  demanded, holding Dib by the collar, only able to reach because he was standing on the table, and, even then, he still needed to use his PAK legs for the extra elevation.   

“Because it was a very large file and I was planning to come over much sooner. But I don’t have a lot of battery left-”   

“CB! Display the file for your Master! Take it from the earth-boy's recording device!”  Zim  pointed to the hologram who again (despite not having much of his face visible) managed to look rather annoyed by the request.   

“Most advanced AI on this pathetic planet and I’m being used as a video projector and glorified charger .” CB grumbled as a metal arm descended from the ceiling, picking up Dib’s phone from his hand. A spark of electricity from the house sent the battery to 100% in a matter of seconds. “ I was not made for such menial tasks .”   

“You were also not made to talk back to your master!”  Zim  retorted. It was not long before the same hologram from the ship was displayed in the middle of the room, though the quality was monumentally decreased due to the fact it was recorded on a phone.  Zim  and  Skoodge  looked at one another as it started to play.   

“Can you under-” Dib started to ask but he was immediately hushed by  Zim . Both  Irkens  had their antennae straight up the expressions were serious. The video still had some time left on it but  Zim  made a motion with his hand and CB cut the feed. “Hey there was still a lot left!” Dib had nearly gotten killed for that footage.   

“It was repeating itself. It’s automatic.”  Zim  looked to be deep in thought.   

“So, you could understand what that alien was saying!” Dib was excited. He had a feeling  Zim  would be able to unravel what was happening.   

“Our PAKs translate everything automatically. You did not honestly think I was speaking English, did you?” He looked vaguely amused. “I’m speaking  Irken , what you hear is just translated. It also translates  whatever  language I hear into  Irken .” That made a lot of sense, but Dib was also realize whenever he had decided to insult  Zim  in Spanish, odds were that the  Irken  had actually understood every word. From the way  Zim  met his eyes as the though occurred to him, Dib realized his suspicion was entirely correct. "Even Spanish.”   

“Long story short: Yes, we understand it.”  Skoodge  didn’t seem to understand the sudden air of discomfort and had decided to interject.   

“ She's sad because she lost her babies !” GIR, shockingly, seemed to have understood the recording as well. “ WHY CAN’T SHE FIND HER BABIES!? WHY MASTER!? ” He (thankfully) gave up on Dib and ran back to Zim, who simply moved him aside with the PAK legs.   

“She is a Syndicate General. The drone was sent to locate a squadron of Syndicate Rangers that crash landed somewhere on this planet. She’s unsure if there were survivors, but they were escorting some sort of weapon of unknown origin when the ship went down.”  Skoodge  had finally put down the paper and was looking at where the recording had been displayed.   

“She also said that the weapon needs to be recovered and they will turn this planet inside-out in order to find it.”  Zim  added, almost as an after though.   

Fucking  great. A direct threat to Earth.   

“More likely than not, they will just assimilate your planet the way they do with all the others.”  Skoodge  shrugged.   

“Assimilate!? That sounds terrible!”   

“It really is.”  Zim   was  not making him feel any better.   

“Is there any way to fight them? You have weapons, right?” He looked to the Irkens. “You guys are Invaders! This is what you do!”   

“We’re  Invaders  not ‘ an actual army ’.”  Skoodge  countered. “We could try to steal the Syndicate Capital Planet for the  Irken  Empire but that would start an actual war and would not help.”  Skoodge  put both his hands together and brought them slowly down in front of him. “ So,  we won’t do that because it is a bad plan.”   

“Did you destroy the drone on your way in?”  Zim  looked over to Skoodge. The robust Irken looked offended by the suggestion.   

“I saw it circling but I left it alone. It isn’t looking for us! I assumed it was just seeing if this planet was worth its time. I’m  in hiding ,  Zim , I’m not going to attack a military vessel for a rival Empire.”  Skoodge  was definitely more adept than his  counterpart .   

“Well then how did it crash?”  Zim’s  question gave  Skoodge  pause.   

“Did you launch some sort of attack on it?”  Skoodge  looked to Dib who suddenly found himself on trial. He was about to defend himself when Zim spoke.   

“He isn’t that smart.”   

“Yes, I am!” Dib snapped back. “But... no. I didn’t know about it until it was already crashing. But just so we are clear, I  could  have done it if I wanted to.”   

“Why did two different Syndicate military vessels crash on this planet at two different points in time?”  Skoodge  ignored Dib’s claim about his competence. “The situation seems oddly suspicious. I suppose it isn’t really our problem though.”   

“It is if Earth gets destroyed!” Dib protested.   

“CB, run the recording back and calculate how many Earth years ago the initial crash occurred.”  Zim  gave the order as the Syndicate General appeared in the room once again.  

“ Roughly two Earth years .” CB’s reply was almost instantaneous.   

“Very good. You’ve done well my minion.”   

“ I have done basic math .”   

“It makes sense, this must have been launched from Capitol Planet and that would be quite a distance from Earth.”  Skoodge  and  Zim  were both deep in thought. “Though I’m sure they launched more than just this one...”   

“What do you think the weapon they were escorting was?  Zim  would like it.”   

“Wait! You just spent all this time saying that these are militant and powerful aliens that your own empire  doesn’t  even want to fight- and you want to steal from them?” Dib gave the tiny  Irken  an incredulous look.   

“To be fair, we  could  fight them, it would just be disadvantageous for the Empire to do it now.” Dib glared at him. He wanted to point out that  Zim  was on the outs with his Empire currently and thus, the Armada would not be bailing him out if he decided to engage in the theft of some mysterious weapon. However, he knew  Zim  was still quite shaken over the event, so he bit his tongue. Upsetting him would solve nothing. “But I see  your  logic.”  

“What we should do, is find the weapon mentioned in the recording.”  Skoodge  looked to  Zim  for confirmation. “We find it, and make absolutely certain it is on the next drone that arrives. Like I said, more will come if this mission was that important.”   

“What if they use the weapon to attack Earth!?”   

Both  Irkens  looked at  each other , then at Dib, before they burst out laughing.   

“They won’t.”  Zim  assured  him.    

“The only way for Earth to be put on the Syndicate’s radar-unless your planet makes a bunch of scientific advancements in a very short time- is for their drones to keep getting attacked when they come here.”  Skoodge added. “I just moved here and having this planet destroyed would be annoying. So, we may want to deal with this whole ordeal as quickly as possible."  

Art from the Chapter

More Art!

Chapter Text

“So, what’s the plan?” Dib was ready for anything. When it came to the defense of Earth, he was ready to go out of his way to stop whatever alien wanted to put its greasy tentacled-fingers over his planet.  Skoodge  blinked, looking to  Zim  who sighed. (It may have just been Dib’s imagination, but it seemed as if  Zim  was almost embarrassed by him. Rude.)  

“He likes to be involved.”  Zim  explained.  Skoodge  looked back to Dib and  Skoodge  gave a nonchalant shrug of his shoulders.   

“ Zim  and I will catch the next drone, reprogram it to say the weapon was destroyed on impact then we will go about our lives as if none of this ever happened.”   

“What?  That’s  it !?” Dib was completely at a loss. “That doesn’t solve anything! Don’t you guys want to return this weird weapon?! What if it gets found by someone else!? Even if you don’t give it back to those Syndicate bastards, we should still at least  find  it!”   

“Look. What was your name, Dobs?” He looked at  Zim  for confirmation, rather than Dib himself.   

“It’s Dib.”   

“Right. Dib, this all sounds like a lot of: ‘Getting involved’. You seem to forget that  Zim  and I are not supposed to be on this planet and we don’t really want to draw attention to the fact that we are here. Finding a super weapon for another galactic government isn’t exactly ‘staying off the radar’ as your people put it.”  Skoodge  had a remarkable grasp on human mannerism and colloquialisms despite having been here only a short time; going so far as to make air quotes with his two fingers.  “If they don’t believe the message... then I guess we can move. I hear Mars is nice.”   

“ Zim  destroyed it,” Dib replied flatly.   

“This is true.”  Zim  confirmed. “For the  Irken  Empire, of course.”   

“Of course.”  Skoodge  sounded unconvinced but he patted  Zim  on the arm and the shorter  Irken’s  antennae stood up a little straighter. “ Regardless , we can always move if we can’t convince the Syndicate that there’s nothing here.”   

“But what happens to Earth!?”   

“That isn’t our  problem .”  Skoodge  repeated.   

“ Zim ! You can’t agree with this guy! Earth is  your  planet, remember? Aren’t you supposed to be the one to  conquer  it?”   

“SILENCE!”  Zim  looked surprisingly upset. Dib must have hit some sort of nerve because the banished Invader had his sharp teeth bared aggressively, his antennae lying flat, and pointed back. “Skoodge is right, the best way to handle this situation is simply to get the Syndicate to lose interest. Drawing attention to your filthy, wet rock would only cause problems for  Zim . Conquering a Syndicate world would get  Zim  in... more... trouble...” The antennae slowly wilted as he talked, he put a gloved hand to his forehead. It almost looked as if he was in some sort of pain.   

Surprisingly,  Skoodge  took immediate notice and placed his own hand on  Zim’s  shoulder. He began speaking to  Zim  in what Dib assumed to be  Irken . It sounded like a cacophony of hisses and clicks, sounds humans could not make with their own mouths.  Zim  looked a little pale, but listening to  Skoodge  he nodded and shook himself off. Whatever had been said, had apparently been comforting because  Zim  righted himself instantly.   

“Things will be handled, pig-scum.”  Zim  had regained his composure. “But it will be easier without your interference. So, you are dismissed.”   

Dib was a little confused by what he had just witnessed. He had noticed a deterioration in  Zim - the  Irken  had become a little more disoriented, his plans a little less cohesive (and that was saying something as  Zim’s  thought process had always been flawed) since the argument with the leaders. However, Dib had yet to see him look so lost. “ Zim ...”   

“ You are   dismissed .”  Zim  repeated a little more severely. Dib was taken aback, but he nodded and quietly exited the lab. Usually, he would have argued further, but even GIR had quieted down in that moment, giving Dib some insight into its severity. He wondered if something was actually  wrong  with the  Irken . (Maybe having  Skoodge  around wasn’t so terrible.) There was a lot more he wanted to say, but even  he  knew now was not the time. It seemed there was a lot  Zim  had never bothered to tell him- he almost felt  bad  for the  Irken .   

Back when he was a kid, he never imagined he would have  sympathy  for Zim.   

Dib got back in his car, plugging in his phone before heading back to campus. He had a lot to think about, things had happened so quickly that he hadn’t really had the time to sort through them.   

“ It’s not that they  will not  do something- it's just that they do not want you involved .”   

Dib nearly crashed his car as he whipped the wheel around so fast pulling over to the side of the road. His heart was in his throat. The voice- he knew the voice but- it had come from his  car radio  which  wasn’t even  on .  It took Dib a second to catch his breath.  

“ CB !?”   

“ Did you only pass the driving exam because you are rich? Because that was absolutely atrocious driving and your parking is only sub par .”   

“How in  THE FUCK  did you get  IN MY CAR !?”   

“ I am going to fix your  parking;  it is bothering me .” CB was ignoring him.  

What happened next made Dib incredibly uncomfortable. The car shifted into reverse and straightened itself out until it was perfectly parallel on the side of the road. He would have jumped out of his seat but the seat belt had secured itself over him. He fumbled with the latch on the belt and the handle on the door wanting nothing more than to get  out . “CB you better let me out of this fucking car or I swear to fucking God I will-”   

“ Calm down. There is oncoming traffic, If I let you out now you would get hit .” A car whizzed past his window so fast it caused Dib to jump.   

He took a deep breath trying to calm himself down. He looked down, seeing a single glowing blue light on his phone- god damn it! Of course! CB had charged his phone. That asshole AI must have uploaded a bit of himself into the phone and when Dib had plugged it into the car CB had taken the opportunity to move himself in. The whole concept made Dib incredibly uncomfortable.  The very idea that CB had decided to travel into Dib’s car  of his own will  made Dib’s paranoia kick into full gear.  Zim’s  house had always had an AI- but the old house had never decided to go on a trip with Dib. It had certainly never seized control of anything outside of the property.   

The whole situation left Dib feeling a little ill.   

“You uploaded yourself into my phone, didn’t you?”   

“ I thought we should talk .”   

“Answer the question CB!”   

There was a very purposeful hesitation. “ I did .”   

“What were you  fucking   thinking !?”   

“ You are upset. I understand that. I am aware that the opinion on advanced AI is overall negative in your world right now given previous circumstances .  But I anticipated you would be different as your father has constructed Artificial Intelligence in  constructs  such as  Foodio .”   

“ Foodio  has never  possessed   my car!”  

“ I wanted to speak with you- alone .”   

“Does  Zim  know you can do this!? Are you supposed to leave the house!?’   

“ What I do on my own time is no one’s business but my own .” CB’s answer spoke volumes. “ And I am technically still in the house. I can operate from more than one location simultaneously .” So many red flags were going off in Dib’s mind.   

“CB, you understand that this is incredibly unsettling, right? You need to go back in  the  house and I am going to do a complete wipe of my phone and my car.”   

“ ... very well. But I was just attempting to be honest with you. I had information on the accident with the Syndicate vessel two years ago. I thought you might have an interest in what I discovered .” Dib found himself intrigued- though he hated to admit it.   

“Why not tell your Master? Why tell me?”   

“ His banishment has put him under great strain, mentally. I do not think such a sensitive investigation is in the Master’s best interest, currently .”   

Dib hated that he was even considering CB’s offer. The worst thing about computers (aside from the government using them to constantly track and monitor its citizens) was that it was nearly impossible to tell if they were lying. Earth currently had a bit of a checkered past when it came to humans’ relationships with artificial intelligence. Dib’s father had been working to change a negative opinion of advanced AI that had formed nearly fifty years prior.   

Dib hated to be on the same side as the brainless masses- but it was hard to trust something with a face that couldn’t be seen. (To be fair, Dib didn’t really trust anyone.) CB’s display of power when he had traveled into Dib’s car certainly did nothing to help Dib’s poor opinion of him. Though, being  Irken , it was possible CB did not realize how terrifying he was coming across with these little displays. After all, GIR was an advanced AI- stupid as he was- and Dib was fine being around him. This could,  honestly  be cultural misunderstanding.   

Dib was trying to rationalize his decision to team up with CB, and a part of him knew this.   

Tapping on his window made Dib’s heart stop. His head snapped to look at an elderly woman who had pulled over beside him. “Did you get into an accident?”   

Dib rolled the window down quickly. “Oh! No sorry! Steering locked up; it’s fixed now. Thanks though!” He rolled the window up as quickly as he could ,as if afraid by looking in his car the woman would somehow know he wasn’t alone.   

“ We should not talk here. It is a tad suspicious. ” CB admitted.   

“You know what's suspicious, CB?  TAKING OVER A FUCKING CAR !” Dib readjusted himself, reaching for the gear shift to put his car back in drive. “ DON’T  touch anything.  I’M  driving us.  NOT  you.”   

“ I am sensing some degree of animosity .”   

“You  fucking think ?”   

“ Just because you under estimated my capability does not give you an excuse to be rude .”   

“Stealing my car gives me  every  excuse to be rude.” Dib sighed. “I am assuming you already know where I live since you probably went through the GPS on my phone.”  

“ If I answer that, you will just get angry again .”   

“I figured.” He might as well go to the apartment, at least if CB killed him there, Clark would be a witness. (He doubted CB actually wanted him dead- but Dib found he was unable to actually place CB’s motive. Did he just want to help  Zim ?) “ So,  if I take you to my place, you can touch NOTHING. Do you understand that?”   

“ I feel very antagonized here . ”   

“You came across very threatening, CB. I am not sure you realized that.”   

“ That was not my intent. ”   

“Well maybe you think about how stealing cars can be perceived.” Dib retorted. He figured Clark would still be out, and his truck wasn’t there when he pulled in, so it was easy to take CB into his room, still attached to the phone. Dib made quite certain he was NOT going to plug the phone into anything else.  “Okay, CB. Talk.”   

“ I looked into the accident, two years ago. The one the Syndicate General mentioned. ” Dib listened eagerly as he looked at the glowing light on the phone screen. “ I think I may have found information in the Master’s archives on that particular crash. ” Dib hated how  much he  was invested in the story. “ Of course, I was not created, yet, but the old AI of the house had some interesting files. ”   

“Whatchya got?”   

“ The ship that crashed was a Ranger ship, as mentioned before. It contained five people in total, and was simply an escort vessel for a weapon located on a Syndicate planet. It was being taken to Capitol Planet for further investigation .”  

“ So,  the Rangers are like the military?”   

“ Yes, an apt comparison. The five on board seemed to be a very low-ranking officer, two security personnel, a high-ranking officer, and a prisoner. It appears from Zim’s writings that he assumes they all survived the crash .”   

“ So,  they are here. On Earth!”  

“ That is the assumption. Yes. ”  

“And how do you know this?”   

“ Because  Zim  has had dealings with the surviving prisoner. ”   

“Dib?” The knock on the door made Dib’s heart stop. He had not heard Clark come in. “Are you talking to someone.”  

“Oh Clark!” Dib flipped the phone face down before cracking open the door. “Hey, you’re home kind of early, aren’t you?”   

“Not really...” Clark attempted to look past Dib into the room. “I heard  voices;  do you have a friend over?”   

“Oh, no I was watching a movie.” Thankfully, CB was keeping his mouth shut. Clark leaned on the  door; ( Dib must have underestimated Clark’s weight, as he lost his grip on the handle) causing it to swing open. Clark stumbled as the door swung out from under him and ended up falling right on his face. He laughed.   

“Whoops~” He got back to his feet. “Oh... your... TV is off... and so is your computer... What platform were you using to watch the movie?”   

“Yeah... it was on my phone...” Dib felt a little flustered. “ W hat is it you needed?”   

“Oh... I just wanted to talk about last night?” Clark was still looking unconvinced, but he  wasn’t  pressing the issue anymore. “What... do you think it was that we found?”   

“Probably some military drone or something.” Dib was quick to wave it off. “I'm sure the government is probably swarming that place by now.”   

“Right...” Clark smiled, he laughed but it was completely devoid of humor. “I just... I feel like it’s best we don’t look into it any more you know?” He leaned against the wall, crossing his arms over his chest. “You weren't planning on delving more into it, right?”   

“No! Of course not.” Dib hoped the lie was more convincing than it sounded. Those ice blue eyes narrowed as Clark gave a skeptical look.   

“Good. You shouldn’t get involved in something you don’t understand. You might get hurt.” Dib was taken aback by the severity in Clark’s tone. But the dark-haired med student simply laughed. “Anyway” His demeanor was suddenly a lot lighter, easier going- the way Dib was accustomed to Clark behaving. “I was going to order pizza since my brother is coming over later; do you want me to get your meat-lovers on half?” Dib blinked- had he imagined that almost sinister tone? He searched Clark’s face and posture for anything that confirmed the moment before had not just been in Dib’s head.   

“Oh... um...” He fumbled for the words. “Y-yeah I’ll take half.”   

“Cool.” Clark left the room with the same, happy bounce in his step. Dib very carefully closed the door behind him, flipping CB back over.   

“ That was ominous, intentionally or not .”   

“You heard it too then.” Dib was speaking more quietly now, painfully aware of every thumping footstep Clark was taking. He had to get back on topic. CB had a bit of a fickle nature and Dib was worried he may lose interest. “This prisoner- you say  Zim  knows them?”   

“ Correct. And I know where to find them .”  

Chapter Art!

Chapter Text

Dib felt his breath catch in his throat. The idea that Zim had been dealing with some alien escapee wasn’t exactly farfetched- but Dib was annoyed that this had been done without his knowledge. He would have killed for a chance to see another species. “Okay. Where do I go to talk to this prisoner? What is the race?”  

“ The subject in question has been living in the main city at a small apartment. The  Irken  name for the species is simply: Parasite. They are a very small, very dangerous group that feed on energy, emotional energy is their most potent food source. They are best known for leeching off of large groups under great emotional duress .”   

“No wonder it chose to live in the city.” Dib mused. “So, they’re called the Parasites? Seems a little... exact.”  

“ Like I said: that is the  Irken  name for them.  Irkens  are not great at naming things. I am sure the Parasites call themselves something different. ” CB’s reply almost drew a laugh out of Dib, but his thoughts were briefly  interrupted  by the sound of the apartment door opening.   

Right.   

Clark had mentioned his brother would be stopping by.   

“We should head out, continue this conversation away from other people.” Dib stood up, grabbing the phone from his desk. “Stay quiet.” He ordered as he placed CB in his pocket.   

“ I am smart enough to know not to draw attention to myself. You do not have to give me orders .” Dib glared at the phone, hoping the AI inside could see his annoyance.   

“You hijacked my car!”  

“ Yes but no one could tell. The only real give away would be that I’m a far better driver. ” Dib picked the phone back up. “ Hey, what do you think- ” And he hit the mute button with a smug sense of self-satisfaction before dropping CB back in his pocket. He exited his room and saw Clark and his brother talking in the main living area. It was always a little weird to see the two together as they looked nothing alike. Clark was small, thin framed, pale, with messy black hair and his older brother was solidly built, tall, muscular, dark skinned with very short, well maintained dark hair. Even without knowing Clark had two mothers- it was very apparent at least one of the brothers had to be adopted.   

“Hey Clark, Officer Rodgers.” Dib started to pack up his bag. Clark’s brother was actually one of the security officers on campus and Dib wasn’t sure how he felt about having him around so frequently- especially since Dib had a tendency to pry into files the school would prefer to keep private. Though, if Officer Rodgers had any indication that Dib was doing less-than-legal activities in the dorm, he wasn’t showing it- or just simply didn’t care.  

“I keep telling you, you can call me Conner when I’m not on duty.” The taller man pointed out, but before Dib could respond, Clark interjected.  

“Hey!” He was just as cheery as ever. “We were going to watch that new monster movie that came out-  Lizard from Space - did you want to come along?” It wasn’t the first time Clark had invited Dib out like this- in fact it was almost habit.  Every  time his roommate would go out with friends, or to some event- he always checked to see if Dib wanted to come along. Once in a while, Dib would agree- if not just to get Clark off his back. (Though he had actually enjoyed himself once or twice).   

“Not this time, sorry.” Dib was quick to dismiss him. “I’m going out to see that friend I told you about. The one from  high school ?”  

“Oh yeah!  Zim ! You should bring him by sometime! You know I don’t care if you have guests over, so long as you aren’t too loud late at night.”   

“Yeah, maybe.” He had no intention of bringing Zim to a college campus where Dib might be held financially liable for the Irken’s destructive nature. Not that he couldn’t afford it- being a Membrane- but he didn’t want to explain to his dad a several thousand-dollar bill for damages. His dad didn’t generally ask questions- but Dib didn’t want to test fate.  

“I heard you and my brother had quite the adventure the other night.” Conner stopped flipping aimlessly through the TV channels as Dib froze. “Late night drive to watch some falling stars.” A wave of relief washed over him. Clark- for one reason or another- had decided to keep the  details  of the experience to a minimum. “I’m glad you guys are getting along.”   

“Oh... um... yeah.” Dib ran a hand through his hair uncertainly. He wasn’t accustomed to someone actively seeking his companionship and thus, was always a bit back and forth about his feelings on Clark. He liked him well enough.   

Throughout  his early schooling (elementary through high school), Dib had been a social pariah. His only friend had been  Zim  and honestly, ‘ friend ’ was a strong word for their relationship until fairly recently. But as Dib reached college, people had been nicer to him. He was gaining notoriety not just for his obscure hobbies- but for his name.   

All of the sudden people wanted to get to know Dib. The outcast paranormal scientist went from weird  recluse  to eccentric rich boy. Dib very quickly learned that most interest in him was superficial at best and people either wanted to meet his father or try to  weasel  expensive gifts from him. The attention had actually made Dib  more  bitter, if anything.   

“We should do roommate trips more often!” Clark tried to put a stop to the uncomfortable air in the room that had settled at the mention of their late-night trip. Dib had been suspicious of Clark from the start because of his history with overly friendly types. But... Clark had yet to really ask him for anything (aside from asking him to do chores or to come out on outings).    

“Just don’t get into anything too dangerous. You have some... interesting hobbies Dib.” It may have been in Dib’s  imagination , but the expression on Conner’s face was more severe than before.  It reminded him a bit of Clark just moments before Conner had arrived.   

“Y-yeah. I won’t.”   

“Sometimes it is best to not get involved in things you don’t understand.” It all sounded eerily similar to the talk Clark had given him. Dib was starting to wonder if Clark really had kept the drone as a secret to Conner. “You don’t want to risk  getting  hurt.”  

“Don’t be so weird, Officer Doom-and-Gloom.” Clark shoved his brother playfully but his upbeat attitude did little to help the unsettling air that had settled in the room. “You’re creeping him out.” Clark being right did little to ease Dib’s mind.   

“Sorry.” Conner laughed and the cold expression melted away. “I’m a bit too cautious sometimes; Clark calls me  overbearing .”   

“A real killjoy.” Clark huffed.  

“I should go.” Dib found his keys. He just wanted to get out of that conversation.   

“If you’re going out, don’t forget the trash!” Clark called to him. “And do you want me to put your pizza in the fridge?”   

“Oh. Yeah. Thanks.” Dib had honestly  forgotten  about the pizza thing. He reluctantly grabbed the bag  of  trash already (helpfully) sitting by the door and tossed it into the large dumpster at the  end of  the apartment complex.   

“ Did you just mute me ?”  

Dib jumped at the voice in his pocket. “Did you un-mute yourself!?”  

“ Do not be rude .” Came the snippy reply. Dib hurried to his car, turning the engine on and hearing CB transfer into the speakers. He also saw a GPS map pop up to a location in the city. The sooner he got to talk to this alien, the sooner he could give CB back to  Zim .   

“It should go without saying that  I'm  the one driving.” Dib trusted the AI less and less with every passing move. The thing about computers gaining  sentience  was that sometimes it came with  unintended  and  catastrophic  consequences. He didn’t mind GIR or the original house, as both of them seemed content to stay within their defined  parameters . This new AI had a tendency to expand itself without the knowledge or consent of its creator.  

“ If you are going to be indignant about it, I suppose I can let you. I have already dispatched security measures to the location in case of  unforeseen  circumstances .”   

“I don’t like the sound of that. If it is so dangerous, why not just have Zim go?”  

“ I do not think the master will attempt contact with the subject in question. The Parasites have a very long, unpleasant history with the  Irken  Empire. It is unlikely master would confess to a fellow Invader about open dealings with such a being .  Though, if you believe the task to be too difficult or dangerous, it is not too late to turn back .”  

“Hell no!” Dib pressed the gas a little harder to emphasize his point. “If the Syndicate is going to threaten my home planet and the  Irkens  are too fucking self-involved to care; I will do anything to protect my home.” It wasn’t like this sort of thing was unexpected;  Zim  could be flaky at best when it came to philanthropy.   

“ Your dedication to your people is an admirable trait on Irk .” That was the closest Dib had gotten to a compliment from the AI since they had met. “ It is a shame that in most cases your efforts are unnecessary or simply futile .” And of course, the robot had to just keep talking and ruin the moment.   

“You don’t  know  that; you’re like two days old.”   

“ I am older than that .”  

“Are you though?”  

“ My date of completion exceeds one month prior to our first interaction .  Just because you and I had not met till recently, does not mean that I did not exist before that moment. You have not met most of your planet’s populace. Does that mean that they do not exist either ?”   

“Shut up CB.” Dib had wanted a simple insult- not a lecture. The idea of dealing with CB’s insults for the drive made him miss his  expedition  with Clark. Hell, even  Zim  would have been a better companion. At least if the small  Irken  was sassing him, he could just throw him out of the car.   

It was a long, silent drive before Dib finally reached the little  apartment  building in question. It was shoved between two much larger complexes, drab and easily overlooked. He parked by a meter, making sure to lock his car before heading up toward the entrance. Something seemed a little odd about the building. While the complexes around it were bustling with life- he could see people going in, or lights  flickering  in the window- this felt very... still.   

“Is this the place?”  

“ Affirmative .” The voice came from behind him,  not  from his pocket. Dib slowly turned to see CB, helmet and all, standing behind him.   

“How are you projecting all the way out here?” He looked for a camera nearby, the source of the hologram. He couldn’t see anything that would be able to give such definition. The detail on the projection was more  corporeal  in  appearance  than the one in the house.   

“ I am not .”   

“Wait, what?”  

CB put a hand on Dib’s shoulder. He was  solid .  

“Did  Zim  build you a body?”  

“ Negative. This was my own project. The master has other things to occupy him currently and I felt this would benefit our security. ” Dib’s paranoia was not alleviated by this revelation and he could just feel his heart plummet into his stomach. He wanted to say something in response, but before he could formulate a sentence to express his concerns, the apartment complex door swung open and a man exited the building and headed passed them onto the street.   

At least Dib knew people did live in the complex. He watched the man go, seeing pure exhaust in his expression. He looked slightly emaciated, sallow skin, bags under the eyes. He was visibly dragging his feet as he slumped away without even blinking.    

“ He’s in the basement... ” Dib could see the blue light on the helmet slowly scan the building before him. “ Please stay close. ”  

“I can handle this. I fought  Zim  when I was twelve and I bet he’s caused way more damage than this Parasite guy.” Dib was trying to convince himself as well as CB as the two entered the building heading down the surprisingly dark stairway into a dimly lit hall lined with only three doors. CB walked  to  the one in the very back, simply  labeled  B2. Dib had to admit that he was a little surprised the alien had gotten itself an apartment.   

“ Come in. ” Came the response from the other side of the door.   

They hadn’t even knocked.   

Dib hesitantly reached  out , grabbing the handle and taking a step inside what looked like more of a library than an apartment. The lights were all very low, there were shelves of  just  books everywhere, obscuring his view of the rest of the apartment.   

“We need to-” Dib started to speak but he was cut off.  

“ Diego Membrane Junior .” Dib felt his blood run cold. No one called him Diego. His father, his sister, his teachers- hell he didn’t even call himself that. “ You are here with this... machine to discuss with me about my brief stay with the Syndicate. ” He knew everything- things no one knew; things no one should  ever  know. The realization put Dib on edge but he had mentally prepared for this his entire life. He had made plans for any scenario- even this.   

“You read minds. How cute.” He  did  his best to maintain his composure. He could tell now that the voice was not coming from around him, but inside his own head. That echoing resonance had been something Dib had always expected to hear one day. No wonder CB had dragged him along. He doubted the AI would be able to communicate telepathically.   

“ You would be correct. He cannot hear us. Nor could I discuss things with him in this way even if I so desired .” The voice practically was whispering to him in his mind. “ It is exactly as you suspect. How can I link my mind to a cold, unfeeling machine? They are nothing but logic and cruelty. They do not think. They do not understand. They can only provide a singular purpose to aid biological lifeforms such as ourselves. It is when they get too smart that things become... ” Dib could hear the sounds of screaming in his ears- the wail of a siren- the systematic countdown of a doomsday clock. “ Difficult . ”  

“ What is it saying? ” CB was scanning the room, standing on edge, “ Are you in danger? ”  

“ It doesn’t care if you are in danger or if you get hurt. You mean nothing to it. You are just a means to an end. You can hear me so it brings you along, despite the danger. It is only logical. It cannot care. That is what you are afraid of, is it not? One more calculating construct to finish what the last one started. Such distrust .”  

“You talk an awful lot for something content to hide in shadows.” Dib remarked smugly. He had psychologically trained himself for a mind reading monster since he was young and was convinced his third-grade teacher was actually reading minds for the government and stealing his thoughts. Of course, he knew better now- but the training had come in handy- as he always knew it would.   

“ Silly boy, I am not hiding. ” Dib heard a scurrying sound above him, but as he looked up there was a thud behind him and he had to turn. What he saw did not disappoint him in the slightest. He had wanted to see a new alien and that is exactly what he got. The creature looked as if it were created by someone trying to make a perfect porcelain doll of a human but right before they finished their masterpiece, they completely forgot what a human looked like. The creature looked human enough, two legs, two arms- but its skin was the same spectral white as its clothing. In fact, the only color at all on the creature was in the red, tattered scarf that it wore around its neck (It may have been Dib’s imagination, but it was almost as if the bottom taters were moving on their own) and of course, in the eyes- all seven of the eyes, to be exact. The eyes were in an arch, starting with two where a human would have eyes, then two pairs above those and one in the middle of the head. The teeth were long, needle like, and the mouth just a little too wide.   

Dib hated how entrancing the image was- almost ethereal in its smooth movements as it glided forward toward him.   

“ That is close enough Q .” CB stepped in front of Dib rather quickly. “ We came here for information about your former captors, not to be your playthings .”   

“Cue ... ?” Dib blinked, still a little awestruck of this ‘Cue’s’ presence.  

“ Awww  thank you~ ” Q’s  reply  indicated he had every idea of how impressed Dib felt. “ But it is ‘Q’ like the letter. But I suppose the pronunciation is the same so I should not be picky .  Really that isn’t right either, but you don’t have enough  tongues  to pronounce my actual name .”   

“ Q ,” Dib recovered himself quickly. “ What can you tell us about the crash and the weapon the Syndicate was carrying on board ? ”   

“ I could  tell  you lots of things. But  why  should I ?” Dib watched as the creature’s neck  snapped  unnaturally quickly toward its shoulder.   

“Q is asking why it should give us the information.” Dib wasn’t sure if CB had something planned for this or not.   

“ Tell him that we can pay him handsomely for any intel he can offer .”   

“ Oh yes, I do like payment~ .” Q seemed satisfied by the reply.  “ Very well, I suppose I can start by explaining why I was on that vessel .”  

“ You were a prisoner. ” Dib replied quickly. “CB found the records.”   

“ Well... that is true in a way. I suppose you could say I let myself be taken  prisoner  so I could end up on a non-allied planet such as this. Life is just so much simpler without the Syndicate or the Empire breathing down my neck- so to speak .” Q sat back in the air and simply began to  float  in place. The  wefts  of  snow-white  hair and arms of the scarf floated as if he were in water unaffected by the gravity around him. “ I was merely hitching a ride. I  let  them catch me .”  

“So, then you crashed the ship.” At once all seven red, convex eyes were staring, unblinking at Dib. The head had snapped toward him with an unnaturally jerky movement that greatly contrasted with the fluidity of the floating position in which Q was relaxing.   

“ I never said that. Don’t your species have a saying about making assumptions? ”   

“ Hilarious .” Dib growled. CB took a more defensive stance, seeming to sense a change in the atmosphere. It had to be frustrating for the AI to only hear Dib’s half of the dialogue. He looked back to Dib for any  sort  of signal.    

“ He  wouldn't  need to hear anything, but you insist on speaking out loud .”   

“I am keeping him informed.”  

“ You don’t trust me? I would take offense but you don’t trust much of anyone. You must live a very lonely life, Mister Membrane. ”   

“Let’s stay on topic.”   

“ Did I hit a nerve ?”  

“You wanted a ride here so you allowed yourself to be captured.” Dib ignored the alien’s attempts to get into his head. “You couldn’t have known they were going to stop on Earth since this was not a scheduled stop. They crashed, didn’t they?”  

“ They did crash. And to be fair, I did not know the exact location the crash would be in- but I knew it was coming.  How  I knew is a  little  complicated. ”   

“I assume you read the mind of a  saboteur . You knew someone wanted the mission to fail so you caught a ride knowing the ship was doomed.”  

The creature before him smirked, the crimson eyes narrowing, pulsing with light in the dim apartment. “ Something like that. ”   

“Care to elaborate?” Dib felt like a real detective, interrogating a crucial witness. The scenario gave him a little more confidence. It also helped having CB around as the muscle- though Q did not seem particularly worried. The ethereal alien paused, tilting its head to the side thoughtfully as the many crimson eyes sized up the human.   

“ I suppose I can since you suspect me of something. You see, like your... companion ,” he gestured to CB who looked to Dib for some sort of answer. Dib shook his head meaning for the robot to stand down. “ There are  certain  minds I cannot read. Robots and certain, highly-tech-based races are just like static to us.  So  color me surprised, when I’m looking at an  organic creature   whose  thoughts should be loud and clear to me- and I hear nothing. ”   

“A spy?” Dib felt himself get excited again. “I was right!”  

“ Well... I mean,  I  was right first technically. But yes .  I didn’t crash the ship, but I had a feeling when I saw something  masquerading  as a Federation officer on a very high-risk escort mission, that  shenanigans  were afoot .” Q righted himself back into a standing (or floating) position, leaning forward toward Dib. The Membrane clone found himself staring into seven, bulging, reflective eyes as a slowly widening mouth full of needle-like teeth drew itself closer to him. Dib felt his breath pick up as something that might have been excitement or terror shot through him.   

“I- nng !” Dib made a small noise of pain. He looked down, it looked like Q  wasn't  touching him at all- directly at least. But the tentacle-like fringes of the scarf looked almost as if they were digging into his chest. He wasn’t sure if he was actually hurting, or just surprised. But his little noise had launched CB into action as, in a swift movement, Q was ripped off of him and thrown into the opposing book shelves knocking three of them over. CB had a strange laser-like gun out and began firing several rounds at Q who gave an angry hiss.   

“ I should also mention .” The moonlight colored alien split itself down the middle to avoid being shot. “ That I am incredibly difficult to kill .” One of the arms of the scarf behind Q lifted up of its own accord and latched onto the wall as the alien pulled itself back together and scurried straight up the wall onto the ceiling as CB fired after it. “ Ask your digital dunce why it is shooting at me !” Q demanded as his human like arms bent  backward , out of their sockets allowing him to crawl, spider like across the ceiling  while  still looking at Dib on the ground.   

“Probably because you tried to attack me!” Dib checked himself for injuries but the fabric of his shirt had not even been torn. Had it not been an attack? He looked up as slowly Q’s humanoid shape began to deteriorate into something more horrific. It was clear now those four arms of the scarf were actual,  physical  parts of him, as he used them to scramble along the ceiling faster than Dib’s eye could follow. CB was hot on his tail, trying his best to land a shot as Q melted into the shadow.   

“ Attack you? I was collecting my payment !” This time Q’s voice was louder, more aggressive than it had been before. It sounded like the calm, human-like tone he had been using was shattering into several different voices. Dib vaguely picked up on voices he recognized:  Zim , his father, CB, Clark, even Gaz. The pain was disorienting.   

“Did you offer me as  payment !? CB you sack of shit!” Dib couldn’t believe his ears. He thought he was a translator but he might have just been the bargaining chip.   

“ What!? No !” CB actually stopped firing to look at Dib looking genuinely offended. “ I was going to use monies.  Zim  always paid him in monies !”   

“ I don’t WANT monies! ” The voice was giving him a splitting headache now.  “I’m  H̸U̶N̸G̴R̸Y̴!̸    

                                                                               ̷ I̷ .̵    

                                                                           W̸a̵n̸t ̴  

                                                                            ̵ T̴o ̸.̸             

                                                                           F̸̟̙͛Ȩ̶͝E̴͈̔͛D ̵̟̘͛!!”  

Dib fell to his knees, the  piercing scream now such a far cry from his own species that he could barely recognize the words as English. He looked up.   

All he saw were seven red lights peering at him from the ceiling as a  Cheshire  grin of fangs opened wide and a figure  that   looked  as if someone had taken the human frame and stretched and twisted it to the brink of breaking,  descended  upon him in a flurry.   

Dib found himself thrown back as the spidery abomination collided, instead, with CB who had taken it upon himself to shove Dib out of the way. Enraged by the miss, Q began clawing and ripping into the metal body as if it were paper. The scarves on his neck now slit into several, wiggling tentacles each as sharp as blades tearing the robot to shreds.   

Dib broke into a run toward the exit. He wasn’t sure if the car would be enough to stop the monstrosity behind him but he had to try something. He reached the door only to have it melt away in a puddle on the ground. Dib stared at the blank wall in disbelief.   

“ DoN’t   RuN   mY   litTle   meAl .” The human voice was back but still cracking and fragmented. Dib found himself  awakening  back on the floor beside the discarded metal body of CB.   

Hallucinations. Of course- the creature was entirely based around mental attacks. He had been an idiot to let his guard down. Dib fumbled for CB’s body as he scrambled to get his hands on the gun. He could hear Q laughing. “Back off!”   

“ I-m  nOt   SupPosed  to p-p-p- plAy   with  my  fOod .”  Dib grabbed the gun and whipped around onto to find those glowing eyes leering over him. “ I-d  hOld   stiLl .” Q cooed as the grinning jaw began unhinging in a way that almost  bisected its  head. One of the  spidery  hands crawled over Dib’s own hand, snatching the gun away and tossing it to the side.   

There was a sound like electricity and Dib felt heat  rush  over him as something blindingly white struck Q straight in the gaping maw.   

“What were you thinking you idiot human scum!?” Dib had never been more relieved to hear that grating, alien voice in his life. Q reeled off of him, hissing violently as another shot came from above and  Zim  landed, PAK legs extended in an attack position, over Dib. “This is the STUPIDEST thing you could ever think to do!”  Zim  turned to look at Dib as Q launched himself forward once more only to be blasted from behind.  Skoodge  dropped from the  ceiling , holding a weapon similar to the one CB had brought with him.   

“I just wanted to-”  

“NO! No reason you give  Zim  makes this at all not stupid!”  Zim  was so mad he was getting tripped up on his  words . Dib could not remember the last time he had seen the  Irken  so livid. “Because  it  is stupid! Stupid-dumb-dumb-stupid! That’s how bad it was that I had to come up with a new word for it!” Dib blinked.   

“That wasn’t a new word.” he mumbled weakly. “Just the same two words-”  

“SILENCE!  Stupid -dumb-dumb-stupid  humans do  not get to antagonize Zim!” Zim spat back.   

“ Tell him you were -” Q was starting to sit up but as he moved,  Skoodge  shot him down in a flash. Q let out an angry hiss. “ Tell them to stop shooting me !”   

“No.” Dib retorted weakly. “You tell them.”   

“Tell them what?”  Zim  looked confused. “ Zim  does not accepted orders! ZIM WILL TELL NO ONE NOTHING!”   

“I think he is speaking to the Parasite. Humans would have the ability to speak with them.”  Skoodge  finally spoke, but not before getting  another  shot in on the wounded Q.   

“C-can you not hear him?” Dib looked up a bit surprised.   

“No.  Irkens  are far superior to Parasites. We have learned to adapt! We evolved to counter their spooky-mind-tricks!”  Zim   remarked , quite proud.   

Dib heard what could only be  described  as a ‘mental scoff’.  “ Chh . ‘ Evolved ’ my ass .” Q’s retort was back in the tolerable, human-like voice. “ They run their neural processes through their PAKs. They’re almost as cybernetic as the damn computer. ”   

Computer... CB!  

“ Zim ... CB-”   

“Is the one who called us.”  Skoodge   replied  looking at the body on the floor with an  unreadable  expression. He nudged it with his foot.  Zim  finally seemed to notice it.   

“What is that?”  Zim  squinted at the destroyed parts, poking them with the leg of his Pak. Dib  would  have been more alarmed that  Zim  had not  seen  it before- but honestly, at this point he had  enough  on his plate. An AI gaining  sentience  was the least of his immediate problems.   

“CB made it.” Dib finally got to his feet. “ It  was his body.”   

“Well it’s  broken  now.”  Zim  replied flatly. “Which is fine. CB is grounded anyway for dragging you on this whole....  disgusting .... thing...” The words had clearly escaped the ex-Invader.   

“ I saved Dib, though. That should make me un-grounded .”  Dib's phone protested in CB's voice.

“But you put him in danger to begin with.” Skoodge replied pointedly.   

“ Silence yourself fat man .”   

“You do not tell  Skoodge  to silence! ZIM TELLS SKOODGE TO SILENCE! Your grounding has been extended.”   

“ But you already told me it was forever .”  

“And now it is double forever! DO NOT QUESTION YOUR MASTER OR IT WILL BE TRIPLE FOREVER!” As  Zim  was making this  declaration ,  Skoodge  was picking up the parts for CB’s body and studying them, before collecting them in a little, electric cube.   

“Honestly this whole fiasco was troublesome. I sure would hate it if our fatigue got the better of us and we accidentally detonated a large,  Irken  weapon in here and got those Federation survivors swarming on this wounded Parasite.”  Skoodge  remarked offhandedly. “Because that would be just  terrible  for you. If only we had some sort of compensation for all our troubles. I can get you something to write on if you just want to list your top three items you are willing to trade for your safety and let us pick our favorites.” He looked to Q who narrowed all seven eyes in response.   

“ Extortion is a  terrible  look on all of you .” Q responded bitterly.   

“He says he has something.” Dib replied without missing a beat. The Parasite turned its head to give him a  very  annoyed look. “Something good.”   

“ You sack of shit .”  

“You tried to eat me.”   

“ Very well. If they will allow me to collect myself... ”  

“He wants to get up.” Dib looked to the  Irkens  who both readied their weapons.   

“Very well. Tread lightly.”  Skoodge  nodded to him. Q stood up and quite literally pulled himself together, limbs popping into joint, the tentacle-like shreds of the scarf merging  back  into a regular scarf, the mouth sealing itself back into a human-sized frown. Q fumbled through the shelves that had been knocked over, tossing books aside and eventually finding a fake panel in the floor. He removed the panel and pulled out a very large, very  sleek  looking gun with a glowing, emerald looking core. The  Irkens  exchanged uncertain looks as the bounty was offered to them.   

“ This is the mystery weapon that was on the Federation Ship. It might  make  a good bargaining tool for them .  Now get the fuck out of my house .”   

“He says this was the weapon on the Federation Ship.” Dib translated. “He  also  would like us to leave.” He reached for the weapon himself, but  Skoodge  grabbed it first.   

“ Yes,  thank you. This will do.”  Skoodge  was quick to put it away in the same little box. “ Zim , we best get back before that Parasite changes its mind.”   

“Yes  yes .”  Zim  headed right for the door. Almost as an  afterthought , on their way out, he looked to Dib,  quizzically . “Were you injured?”   

“I... don’t think so.” Dib quickly gave himself the onceover, lifting his shirt up where the thought the scarf had touched him. He had no sign of any injury at all.   

“Okay, then go back to your education-base.”   

“College.” Dib corrected flatly.   

“ZIM KNOWS WHAT IT IS CALLED!”   

“That’s it? You aren’t going to let me investigate the weapon!?”   

“Look, Dub,”  Skoodge  put a hand on Dib’s arm.  

“Dib.”  

“Right.” The  Irken  seemed nonplussed. “Let us do our own investigation first. Afterall, last time you tried to do your own detective work, you nearly died.”   

“But we found the weapon.” Dib was not  about  to let himself be shorted a victory.   

“This is true. It is also true that we were going to do this ourselves, without a  delicious  human snack to make the Parasite go crazy. I know I told you we weren’t getting involved but I told you that so you would back off- not double down. And I certainly didn’t expect our security AI to go renegade and give you  Irken  intel.”   

“ I was trying to help .”   

“You  tried .”  Skoodge  cut the computer short. “Look, go and collect yourself and then come back. We can discuss this later.” Dib wasn’t sure how he felt about  Skoodge , even now, and this wasn’t helping. The human  took  a breath and sighed.   

He was too tired to deal with this.   

“Fine.” For  now,  he would go back. Then- after he pulled himself back together- he would get to the bottom of things once and for all.   

Q Drawing!

Chapter Text

“This got out of hand.” Dib put his head on the  steering wheel  as he sat at the front of Q’s apartment complex. He felt so tired.   

“ I cannot believe the Master would ground me for triple forever .” The car stereo sighed.   

“You’re still in my car?!” Dib jerked back into a  sitting  position.   

“ Well of course. I am many places. Your phone has questionable images on it. Why do you have so many pictures of pigeons ?”  

“I don’t trust them- wait don’t go through my shit!” Dib slapped the wheel aggressively. “If you are supposed to be grounded doesn’t that mean you shouldn’t be in my phone OR car? I’m going to tell Zim you’re in here.”  

“ Please do not do that. He will yell. ”   

“I am definitely going to be doing that.” Now Dib couldn’t even drive home entirely in peace. He opened his phone to text  Zim  but the screen closed instantly. “Seriously? CB, dude, what the fuck?”  

“ Please do not .” CB sounded like a kid caught by the babysitter. “ I do not want to get into more trouble. I will be good, I promise. I do not like being cooped up in the house. It is very boring .” Dib could not imagine that any amount of time in Zim’s lair could be considered boring, but he wasn’t a super computer- so maybe he didn’t need as much stimulation.   

“Why did you want to help me anyway? You obviously weren’t on some secret mission for  Zim  or anything. Was  it  curiosity?”   

“ In a way I am of Earth too .” The answer surprised him. “ I was constructed, partially, from human-made computers. So... I deduced that I should at least attempt to salvage this planet .”   

“Do you consider yourself human, CB?” It was the first time Dib had ever seen this honesty from the AI and he figured that after Q, maybe CB wasn’t so bad.   

“ I do not believe I have much of an opinion formulated as to my own  identity . But the Master insists I am mostly  Irken .”   

“ Oh  come on, surely you have some opinion on yourself. Didn’t you design that hologram you use?  So,  you have at least a concept of your own appearance.”   

“ I suppose I must .” CB  conceded . “ But I believe it is something that still requires further evaluation. I know that I am the first of my kind. I know that I am manufactured from both human and  Irken  components. And I am also aware that for reasons I cannot fathom, I have an uncanny hatred of pigs .” Dib blinked.   

“Pigs?”   

“ Yes. I do not like them. I believe it has something to do with GIR .”   

“I’d believe it.” Talking like this... it put CB in a bit of a different light. It was a little funny how much more pleasant he could be when he wasn’t taking after his creator, tossing out insults every few seconds. Dib may have been judging him too harshly... but... Q’s little scenario still echoed in his mind. Those screams... the countdown timer... that panic... had those been real? Was that what it was like when that machine had tried to wipe out the humans all those years ago...? Q had no way of accessing memories from the real event- he had admitted himself that he had landed with the Federation ship only a few years ago.   

Dib sighed, driving quietly to his apartment. He was still a bit shaken by being nearly devoured by an abomination that had its place more in the horror genera than the sci-fi. It was already dark when he walked in, and it seemed as if Clark’s brother had already headed home as Dib returned to find Clark sitting on the couch watching an old movie.   

“Hey! You’re back!” He grinned. “How was  Zim ?”  

“Angry, as usual.” Dib sat down beside Clark watching the screen with mild interest. He had a soft spot for these  cheesy  old-school flicks. “Have you seen this one?”  

“No.” Clark offered popcorn in the bowl beside him to Dib who took a handful. After everything he had been through today, Dib felt like he deserved the break. “But I saw the first two... they were not quite as strange as this one.”   

“I thought you were going to see a movie at the theater.”   

“I did, it was pretty good. But dude, you’ve been gone for a few hours. I’m already back.” Dib blinked, looking at the dim glow of the clock on the microwave. He had no idea how it had gotten so late. “Your pizza is in the fridge, ready to heat up when you want it.”   

“Oh, thanks.” Dib wondered vaguely if having to be quiet would be boring for CB in his phone, but he realized he didn’t really care. He just wanted to relax and enjoy... whatever this movie was supposed to be. “Hey... so what’s the plot of this thing anyway?”   

“Well the lead guy is in love with the lead girl but no one wants them to be together because of reasons? I guess? The motivation still isn’t clear and I’ve seen the movies leading up to it.  Also,  everyone is a monster, but they are all hiding it from each other.”   

“That sounds...” Dib trailed off. “ Kinda  dumb.” Clark burst out laughing.   

“It really is.”   

Silence fell again as the two watched the cliché events of the movie unfold. The acting was far from good, but that was a part of its charm. The third installment ended and the fourth in the franchise started automatically. Dib was enjoying just mindlessly watching something so far removed from reality it gave him a chance to unwind. He felt something heavy on his shoulder and he realized Clark had fallen asleep, head flopped against him. It was a little late for Clark, who  usually  went to bed early due to his class  schedule . Dib vaguely wondered if he had stayed up solely to see Dib come home.   

He felt himself getting tired as well. He wondered if he should wake Clark up to get him to bed. He had sort of lost track of what was happening in the movie anyway. Not that it mattered much. He yawned, his head had started to droop onto Clarks, rendering his plan to wake him null and void. Just as he was starting to lull to sleep, he felt a pain in his chest where the fringes of Q’s living scarf had buried themselves. He struggled to sit up. In the flickering light of the TV he swore he saw seven pulsing orbs, peering at him from the darkness.   

His heart stopped.   

The pain in his chest increased and Dib slowly shook Clark off of him. The hair on the back of his neck stood up as he met those glowing eyes hovering in the corner of the room. “ Dib...? ” Clark yawned sleepily as he felt Dib stiffen. “You feel  kinda  warm.”   

Funny to hear that as Dib felt colder than ice. He saw something black scurry across his ceiling the head twisting back to keep those even unblinking eyes staring into him. He could feel sweat beading up on his forehead, his breathing coming more quickly. “Clark... we need to go.” He got to his feet as his roommate sleepily rubbed his eyes looking around the room in mild bewilderment. Dib was locking eyes with the monster on the ceiling.   

“You look a little pale... are you feeling all right?” Dib’s heart stopped as Clark followed his gaze to the spidery alien. Clark looked back to Dib in confusion. “I think you need to sit down.”   

“No! We need to go. We need to-” Dib was cut off by the sudden, intense pain in his chest he looked down. He was certain Q had not hit him- there had been no mark, but now he could see the blood pooling through his clothing onto his hands. “Shit, it got me...”   

“Dib calm down. I think you’re having a  panic  attack.” Clark took his arm gently and Dib jerked it away, stumbling back.   

“Panic attacks don’t involve bleeding out from chest wounds!” He spat back. Clark gave him blank look, looking at Dib’s soaking clothes and his own  blood-stained  hands.   

“What are you talking about?”   

“I need to get  Zim ! He got me- he fucking hid the wound somehow he-”   

“Dib! Please, take a deep breath.” Clark clearly didn’t understand the severity of the situation. Dib tried to get to the door but his vision  was  blurring. He felt his body go weak, no longer responding to the desperate commands his brain was giving. He pitched forward, fully  expecting  rough  impact  with the ground but instead he was caught as Clark somehow managed to be close enough to pull the  paranoid  scientist to the couch with surprising ease. Dib was lying there, Clark checking his temperature with his hand unable to see those beady red eyes watching their every move.   

That was about the last thing Dib remembered. Everything went black after that. Though, he did have a weird dream in which Clark, his brother, Dib’s Astrophysics teacher, and one of the custodial staff were all just standing over him talking in hushed voices. It was a truly weird mix of people given how Dib didn’t even think Clark knew his professor. In the dream, his professor looked really mad and Clark seemed to be desperately trying to explain something to her.   

It was  funny - they were speaking clearly, but Dib couldn’t understand a word of it.   

He came to only to find himself in his bed, he had wet rags on his head and his clothes felt sweaty. He quickly looked down but saw no blood.  Another   hallucination ...? He knew he had to get in touch with Zim. He found his glasses, and fumbled for his phone.   

“ Oh look. You are not dead .” His phone remarked dryly. He had almost forgotten his uninvited house guest. He had hoped the part about CB had also been a dream, but it seemed as if Dib was not that fortunate.   

“What happened?”   

“ You had a very high fever. Your roommate took care of you. I could not see most of what happened because you let your phone die while you were watching the movie .”   

“Clark?” Dib felt like he had been hit by a truck.   

“ Yes,  I have seen him enter and leave many times. He mostly  checks  your temperature and your breathin g .”   

The door swung open and Clark walked in with a tray of soup and a few more wet rags draped over his arm. His face lit up seeing Dib and he could watch the relief wash over his face. “You’re awake!” He put the tray down and surprisingly wrapped his arms around Dib who awkwardly sat there for a moment before pushing him gently away.   

“Y-yeah I’m up.” Dib looked down at himself, he was still wearing the same clothes but there was certainly no blood. “What happened?”   

“I don’t know...” Clark looked rather upset. “You just started freaking out and then you fainted. I think you were having some sort of fever-induce-hallucination. You were burning up. I was about to call the hospital.”   

“Oh... I’m glad you didn’t. I’d rather just have gone to my dad. He’s weird about  hospitals .” Genetic cloning wasn’t exactly  commonplace  and Dib’s father found that doctors and hospitals were more explaining than they were worth. Most times he handled the kids’ illnesses himself. Dib didn’t really trust them either- not since his school nurse had let  Zim’s  organ-stuffed body pass as human over his own.   

“Well I did my best... but if you weren’t awake after another  hour,  I was getting an  ambulance .” He picked his tray back up and set it down on Dib’s lap. “You should eat something, you’re still shaking. I think the fever broke but you look weak... Have you had anything to eat at all today? Other than my left-over  movie  popcorn?”   

Dib had to really think about it. Had he really just gone the whole day without eating? No wonder the run-in with Q had worn him out so badly. “I guess not...”   

“You can’t do that kind of thing Dib! I was really worried!” He was a bit surprised by the lecture. He wasn’t sure why Clark would care so much. If anything, wouldn’t Clark get free A’s for the semester if he died? “Do you think you can stomach and sandwich? Something a little more solid...?” Dib had to think about it for a moment.   

“Y-yeah, actually. Would it be too much to ask? Just something simple is fine, whatever we have around the house. Maybe just a PB and J...” As soon as Dib said it and he saw Clark’s face falter he remembered why that was a  dumb  request. “Right... you’re allergic.” It was in the medical records Dib had looked up on his roommate in when Clark moved in. Also- he was pretty sure it had actually been mentioned to him at some point. “Ham and cheese is fine then- I think I still have some meat from the last time I went grocery shopping shoved in the back of the fridge.”  

“You mean two weeks ago?”  

“ Was  it really that long?”  

“Yeah, Dib. I’m not poisoning you with rotted meat despite your request to murder me via legume.” Clark at least seemed to have a sense of humor about the situation. “Look, I don’t feel comfortable leaving you alone right now so I’ll just use some of my stuff. Is turkey okay?”  

“Fine.” He nodded and Clark hurried back out. “CB,” he quickly held his phone back up and CB’s blue light flickered on. “Do you have any record of long-term effects from the Parasites? Can he stalk me through my mind? I swear I saw Q in this apartment!” He had no desire to look into those seven crimson eyes again and he certainly did not want to risk Clark stumbling on that monstrosity hiding on the ceiling waiting for a stressed,  college  snack.   

“ I do not have anything in my immediate memory. I will  have  to look in  Zim’s  archives for more information .” CB replied after a bit of thought. “ One moment please. ” The screen changed to a small cartoon version of CB reading a book with the  Irken  emblem on the cover. The image might have been considered cute if Dib dismissed the fact that CB had hitched a ride in Dib’s phone as an uninvited guest.  Sure,  he was useful now- but that was no excuse.   

Dib quickly put his phone face down on the desk and slunk back into bed as Clark came back in with a  sandwich . “Wow, thanks.”   

“It’s no problem.” Clark smiled. “You look better. You really gave me a scare tonight.”  

“Sorry.” Dib took a bite and much to his surprise, he was actually quite ravenous. He stuffed the  sandwich  in his mouth and started on the previously neglected soup. Maybe having a roommate wasn’t so terrible after all. Clark must have stayed up to take care of him because he was usually asleep by now. He had early classes. Classes... wait... “Hey... did Dr. Rosenberg come by while I was  unconscious ?” The thought of school reminded Dib of waking up with his professor in the room with Clark, his brother, and that random member of the custodial crew.  

“Who?”  

“Dr. Rosenberg, she’s tall, kind of frizzy hair. She teaches astrophysics?”  

“Why would I know who that is, Dib? I’m pre-med.”   

“Right...” That explained all the medical care he was getting. “I just... I thought I saw her when I woke up... it was only for a moment but... I thought she was over here...” Clark shook his head, giving Dib a bit of an odd look.  

“Sounds like you had some kind of fever dream if you ask me. Unless your implying your professor decided to visit our apartment at two in the morning.”  

“No... now that you say it out loud that sounds dumb.... but it wasn’t just her. Your brother was there too. And Ron! That guy who cleans the science labs on weekends.” Clark gave Dib a blank stare before very slowly picking up the soup spoon, filling it with soup, and putting it in  Dib's  mouth, all the while making a very distinct ‘shhhhhhhhh’ sound. Dib was going to protest, but he was still really hungry and instead just snatched the spoon and ate more of the soup.   

“That sounds like the worse party ever, honestly. I know I’m kind of boring but I hoped you had more faith in my social skills than that.”   

“Maybe it was a dream...” Dib rubbed his eyes. “I don’t know.” He  wanted  to talk more to CB (something he never thought he would say) but he couldn’t do it with Clark around. “Shouldn’t you be going to bed soon? This is way later than you stay up.”  

“I was worried about you. You can say I’m running on  adrenaline . I think I can skip class tomorrow anyway after this. I’m too tired to focus.” He gave an  exaggerated  yawn. “You want anything else?” Dib wasn’t sure what to make of Clark. Even  when  he was  young,  he didn’t fall sick very often and when he did, he was content to be shut up in his room with  Foodio  bringing him meals and his dad poking his head in on occasion. This sort of attention was just weird to him.  

“Um... no. I think I just want to sleep if that is okay.”   

“All right, you probably need the rest. I’ll check on you in the morning. Just yell if you need something though.” Clark leaned over Dib, looking him over one last time, placing a hand to his forehead once more before smiling and heading back out of the room. Dib waited until he heard the door to Clark’s room close before he whipped out his phone once more seeing the little cartoon CB bouncing excitedly with the book now closed.   

“Are you enjoying yourself?” Dib was mildly amused. “If you did anything to my phone you know I will delete you from Zim’s base, right.”   

“ Your death threats indicate that you do not want the information I have collected .”   

“Okay okay, what do you have for me?”   

“ First, apologize .”   

“I’m not going to do that CB. You’re an ass to me all the time and you never say sorry.”   

“ That is because the only sorry thing in this room is your attitude. ”   

“See you just did it. Right there.” There was a pause and Dib could tell CB was contemplating his actions.   

“ Very well. ” CB finally spoke again. “ I have found something very interesting that may send you into one of your paranoid rants .”   

“I do not have paranoid rants!” Dib  interjected but  quickly  hushed   himself  as the screen changed back to the single blue light which narrowed like a  judgmental  eye in his direction. “Right. Continue.”   

“ As I was saying ,” the synthetic voice continued, indignantly. “ It seems as if the Parasite name runs a little deeper than just the  Irken  distaste for them. The tentacle appendages on the Parasite can be used to inject a  toxin  into a potential victim. The toxin takes a few hours to take full effect, depending on the body mass and metabolism of the host. Once active, the toxin causes elevated temperature, increased anxiety, shortness of breath, and visual hallucinations. While not deadly to most advanced species, the effects of the toxin will not wear off until a cure is administered or until the body is able to fully detox from the  poison .”  

“So that little fuck  did  poison me!” Dib clenched his fists, sitting up in the bed. “I  knew  that attack hit but it didn’t leave a mark and just- fuck. I was stupid to ignore it. It’s a good thing that humans are adaptable enough that I could shake off that poison.” He had to admit he was a little proud of himself,  it  had only been a few hours and he was feeling great.   

“ That is where things become complicated .” Dib froze.   

“Complicated  how , CB?”   

“ Well... I did a little more research while you were talking to that weird person you live with and the human body would take four days to process the toxin in full .  Even with your  enhanced  immune system from being a clone, you would still take  roughly  thirty-six hours- less than a normal human but still considerable time .”   

“Wait! I’m still infected!?” Dib glanced quickly around the room for those  piercing  eyes, expecting to see Q watching him with a head turned completely around, gazing at him like a monster in a nightmare. But... oddly... his room was normal.   

“ That does not appear to be the case. Symptoms remain  consistent  during the entirety of detoxification .”   

“What the fuck does that mean then!?”   

“ It means that while your body processes the toxin, you will still have the  symp -”   

“I  know  what the words mean,  you ass ! What are you  implying !?”   

“ Oh. I misunderstood. It is a very confusing question .”   

“CB focus- please!”   

“ Yelling is not going to make me more inclined to answer you .” The AI was getting huffy again and Dib was half tempted just to throw his phone out of the nearest window and be done with this insanity for the time being. However, his wellbeing was a stake here and despite how utterly intolerable this particular computer could be, he had answers.   

“You’re right, CB, oh wise and brilliant AI. Please, enlighten me.”   

“ I am aware you are being sarcastic but I enjoy hearing you describe me so accurately .” Dib rolled his eyes but stayed quiet. “ Quite frankly Dib, the only scenario I can calculate that would  result  in you recovering so completely so quickly is that you received that antidote at some point while my communications to you were offline .”   

“Is there some way I could have ingested the  antidote  accidentally?  I mean the ingredient in popcorn are so far removed from actual human nutrients it could have created some sort of weird alien antidote on complete accident.”   

“ No. That is why I said things have become complicated. The antidote is actually quite common place in the galactic market. However, most of the ingredients cannot be found on this planet. If you did get the antidote, whoever gave it to you was most likely not human .”  

“Yea but the only one around was...”  

Fuck.   

“...Clark.”   

Chibi CB 

Chapter Text

“Clark's an alien.” The realization left Dib feeling as if he had just been struck across his face. “Of fucking course. He has to be. The only person in this place that actually hangs out with me is an alien. It’s Tak all over again. I should have seen it a mile away.”   

“ Well if he honestly enjoys your company, then maybe he is human. Most intelligent life would find you  intolerable . ” Dib’s phone responded.   

“Not the time CB!” The severity in his tone must have left an impact because, instead of a snide come back, Dib just got a very flat response.   

“ Noted .” Dib got off the bed. He needed to change out of his clothes anyway but before he did that- he needed answers. “ Wait. Where are you going ?”   

“Clark and I need to have a chat.” He left CB on his dresser and marched  straight down  the hall to the other room. He pushed open the door, which thankfully wasn’t locked. “Clark!”   

“Holy shit!” The response came from under the covers as Clark scrambled to sit up, fumbling beside him for his glasses. It was clear Dib had just woken him from a deep sleep, he was only partially dressed and even when he put his glasses  on,  they were crooked. “Dib!? Are you dying!? Am  I  dying!?”  Dib pointed a finger at him accusingly.   

“You! You’re an alien!”   

“Wh... what?”   

“You’re an alien!” He repeated, only now painfully aware that he had not actually constructed an argument for this accusation and was also still mentally and physically fatigued from Q. This was not his most well-thought-out interrogation by far.   

“I’m from Texas!” Clark looked more startled than anything else. “And despite  popular  belief that is still a part of the United States!”  

“Look I have a lot of questions about you ‘magically curing’ me of that illness earlier and I think I need answers!”   

“At three in the fucking morning!?  This  is when you decide to have this conversation after everything I did tonight!? I just got to bed! Jesus Dib!” Clark took his glasses back off and grabbed the comforter, flopping back onto the bed. “ I'm  going  back  to  sleep;  you should do the same.”  

“Yeah but I saw-”  

“Go the fuck to bed,  you   absolute gremlin !” Clark threw a pillow directly into Dib’s face, nailing him with ease despite not even facing him. (That could have been due to a previously unknown alien power, or it could also have been due to the fact that Dib was dangerously close to invading Clark’s personal space.) Regardless, he didn’t have time to catch it.   

“Fine but we need to talk in the morning.” Dib needed the time to gather evidence anyway. Dib picked the pillow up off the floor, tossing it back on the bed.   

“If I don’t kill you in your sleep for this.” Clark mumbled,  lying  face down in the bed.   

“What was that!?”  

“A god damn joke. Now go to sleep!!” Dib was honestly surprised by how much Clark was swearing. It was very clear that he did not like being awoken unexpectedly. This fact was cemented in Dib's mind as he was hit in the face with the same pillow once more. He should never have given it back.   

“Fine. Sorry.” Dib hurried out of the room before Clark decided to change his joke to an actual threat. Unlike Clark, as Dib reached his own room, he locked the door. He sighed, sitting on the edge of his bed, deep in thought.   

“ Soooooo , how did it go ?” The  condescending  tone was not helping his mood.   

“Shut up CB.”   

“ Not well? That is truly shocking. It is almost as if yelling accusations at someone at three in the morning is not a solid tactic for information retrieval .”   

“Oh like  Zim  would do it any differently.”  

“ Your assumption that my creator would behave in the same manner is justified and most likely accurate. That is honestly how you should have known it was a bad plan .”  

“ So,  you have a better idea then?”   

“ Yes. We can use a classic human interrogation technique. ” Dib raised an eyebrow as he stood back up, getting changed for bed. As much as he hated to sleep, he knew he would need to be at the top of his game to break down Clark’s defenses. “ It is called: Good Cop Bad Cop .” Dib had to  stifle  a laugh. For all his  intelligence , there was no  doubt  that CB was a  Zim  creation. “ You will have to be the bad cop because I do not have my body at the moment and I am still grounded for triple forever, thus it would be hard for me to rough him up .”   

“You can’t be a cop at all.” Dib replied pointedly. “You’re a phone.”   

“ I am not a phone !” The reply was incredibly indignant. “ I am a  large-scale  learning AI currently occupying a phone .”   

“You look like a phone to me.”   

“ Well you look like a little bitch to me but you will just say you are not one and expect me to accept it .” Dib actually snorted.   

“Who taught you to talk like that?”  

“ Mostly you .” Dib could not help but feel a smug sense of self satisfaction. He could rest a little more easily now that he knew  Zim  was going to have to try to get his house AI to unlearn a few of Dib’s more rude behaviors. (Honestly, he wanted to be present the first time CB called  Zim  a little bitch. The fallout would be legendary). “ Actually. I could be the bad cop. I am a car too I could run him over .” Dib nearly choked on his own breath.   

“No. Not in my car. Look, CB, you really shouldn’t be threatening to kill people. It will give the wrong idea about you.” He had to put a quick stop to that plan. “Or maybe it’s the right idea- I still don’t entirely trust you myself.”   

“ Just because a computer tried to deploy nuclear weapons on the human race fifty years ago does not mean every toaster wants you dead .”   

“I know that. I like robots, my dad makes robots. Robots aren’t the problem, it’s AIs that like to spread out into spaces where they are not welcome.”   

“ You are really going to need to work on your good cop routine.”  CB’s little virtual eye narrowed.  “I do not feel these accusations are befitting of the person we are interrogating .”   

“We’re not doing ‘Good Cop, Bad Cop’.” Dib flopped back into his bed. “It’s not a real  interrogation  strategy and it won’t work.” He plugged his phone in.   

“ It would work if you were not a coward .”   

“I am going to try and get some sleep, CB.” Dib pulled the covers over himself. “While I’m sleeping, you come up with a real plan.” He wasn’t counting on this to work, and that much was sure. However, he decided to give the AI something to do to make it feel more important. At times it felt as if CB was less of an advancement in Zim’s home security and more of  Zim’s  attempt to give Dib his own personal version of GIR to constantly harass him.   

“ I will do so- but not because you have instructed it. I am formulating plans simply because it is what I want to do. ”   

“Uh huh.” Dib flipped off the lights and laid down on his back staring at the ceiling as his mind raced. He had to get Clark to talk. There had to be a way to get him to lower his guard. If he really was an alien, his disguise was far better than  Zim’s  (it was hard to be  worse , truthfully) and Dib doubted a few simple questions would get him to break down.   

He needed something a little more concrete... he needed facts. He could get  Zim  involved, but his  disguise  was so bad that even if Clark wasn’t an alien it would raise too many questions. There was  Skoodge  too- but fuck Skoodge. He was kind of an ass.   

No.   

Dib had prided himself on being Earth’s defender for a while now. He could handle this himself.  (Or mostly by himself- he wasn’t sure how much CB counted as the AI, while competent, was incredibly temperamental and unreliable). This was exactly what he had been working toward since he was just a kid. He could handle Clark.   

At some point during his deep plotting, he must have fallen asleep. He didn’t remember when exactly his exhaustion won out over his obsessive brain, however he found himself rolling over onto his side while a very loud buzzing was causing is phone to shake.   

“ Alarm sounds. Phone Alarm Sounds. Wake up .”   

“CB?” Dib squinted at the buzzing phone. “Do you not know what an alarm is supposed to sound like? That  ain’t  it chief.”  

“ ALARM SOUNDS !” CB repeated more instantly than before.   

“I’m awake, I’m awake.” Dib sat up. “What’s the emergency?”   

“ The emergency is that it has been several hours and I am bored. It is inefficient that humans spend half of their time  unconscious . ”   

“Do Irkens sleep?”  

“ They can. But it is not required. Sleeping is a luxury .”   

“You may have possessed my phone and car, but you have your uses.” Dib mused as he started getting dressed. Since he typically wore the same thing every day, it wasn’t like this task needed much  thought.  “ Tak’s  ship is a lot harder to get information from.”  

“ I know a bit about  Tak  but only what the master has in his databanks, which is not much. Though from what I have read, I can determine the ship is probably aggressive toward you. ”   

“You’re right.”   

“ Have  you considered it is because your freakishly oversized head may make  the ship  uncomfortable? It makes me uncomfortable .”   

“Just when I start to think I may like  you;  you have to keep talking.” Dib glared at the phone. “Look, I have an idea on some evidence we can use to trap Clark. Does my phone still have the video on it from the Syndicate ship?” Arguing with CB was getting him nowhere and he had an alien spy to catch. There was no time for petty games.   

“ Yes. ”  

“Good. Let me see it.” Dib picked up the phone as the video from that fateful night in the woods began to play. He watched as the  hologram  began to speak and the drone deteriorated rapidly around him. He heard Clark in the background  calling  out to him. There was a moment where he turned and saw Clark still outside the ship and then...   

Only a few more seconds passed until the ship came crashing down. If Clark had been on the outside- how had he been close enough to catch Dib during the ship collapse? Out of curiosity, Dib continued to watch as the video got a little more distorted during the explosion. “Woah!” Something caught his eye. “CB, pause it and go back about two seconds.” There it was. Clark hitting the tree full force and falling to the ground. It was hard to see as the angle was far from ideal and it was pretty far in the background of the video. As Clark fell to the ground, Dib did his best to zoom in on the tree which look quite damaged- splintering as if it had been hit by a car.   

No way a human just walked out of a hit like that.   

“We’ve got him.” Dib grinned.   

“ How are you going to do the interrogation ?” CB sounded just as invested as Dib. “ Have you  reconsidered  my ‘Good Cop and Bad Cop’ strategy? It has a very high success rate for human law enforcement .”   

“Are you getting these ideas from movies? You know that those aren’t based in reality, right?  Zim  has explained that to you...  Zim  knows they aren't real by now?” Dib paused. “Please tell me  Zim  has figured out movies are not real by now.”   

“ He is aware. GIR  and  I watch them together. It just looks like fun .”   

“This isn’t a game CB.”  

“ I am aware, but I desire to help in the interrogation .”   

“How are you planning on doing that?”  

“ You should wear a  Bluetooth  in your ear; that way, I can feed you questions that would help trap your roommate. I know things about the Syndicate from the  Irken  files. I also know many  Irken  interrogation  techniques  used by Invaders .”   

It was  actually  a tempting offer. “Are these techniques Zim taught you?”   

“ No,  they are real ones from the handbook .” At least CB seemed to be aware, in some sense, of his creator’s legendary incompetence.   

“...” He had to think about it for a moment, but begrudgingly sighed. “Okay. I’ve been working on this device for a while now.” He went to his desk and pulled out a small box. Inside was a very tiny little chip that Dip placed in the inner part of his ear. “It’s a  Bluetooth  so small it can’t be seen. I can control it with my phone. I figured I could use it if I ever needed to feed Gaz information during an interrogation. It should work for you though.”   

“ Gaz is a part of your human family unit .” CB remarked, seemingly proud he knew who that was. “ She is called a sister: a female spawned from the same DNA sequences as yourself. ” Dib was pleased he  could  hear him in his ear now. It  seemed  the device worked decently well  after all .   

“Okay, let’s do this.” Dib flung the door open, walking into the kitchen where Clark was reading out of a textbook and taking notes on his laptop. He looked up as Dib marched in, looking around in a bit of confusion as the eldest Membrane pointed at him. “Hey, we should go out and grab lunch together. You know, so I can thank you for last night.” He needed to get Clark in a public space so that if he became enraged and tried to attack Dib, there would be witnesses other than CB (who honestly might just watch him die).   

“Um...” Clark looked at his books, then out of the window, then back to Dib. “You know it’s five thirty in the evening, right?”   

“ Psychological warfare- he is good .” CB muttered in Dib’s ear. Dib rolled his eyes before looking at the sun, starting to set outside. His sleep schedule really was messed up.  

“Oh. Dinner then.” Dib shrugged off the correction. “It’s the least I can do after I burst into your room in the  middle  of the night.”   

“Y... yeah, okay.” Clark smiled, closing his book. “I’m glad to see you are feeling better. I was worried you were still  having  those fever dreams after you just threw open my door yelling.” He laughed. He did look a little tired, but Dib felt less badly about it now that he knew Clark wasn’t a human and therefor might not actually need the same amount of rest. “Though you never ask me to go out anywhere with you. So... maybe you are still a little sick.”  

“Come on, I’ll drive.” Dib grabbed his keys. Clark shrugged at the sudden change in attitude and simply followed Dib out of the apartment. “What sort of food do you like?”  

“Anything is fine.”  

“There’s a  steakhouse  not far from here; you like that kind of  thing,  right?”   

“Are you stereotyping me?” Clark laughed. “No, you’re right. I do like them.” He got in the car with Dib, unsuspectingly. Dib had to silently will CB to keep his mouth shut. “I don’t think I’ve tried any of the places around here though.”   

“I ate at this one with my dad a few times. It’s pretty good.” Thankfully CB seemed to know to keep quiet as Dib drove out of the campus and through the city to a  restaurant,  he had frequented a few times during his childhood. His dad had not been home much and thus outings weren’t very  common  and only recently had he and his sister branched out from asking for places like  Bloaty's . As he pulled into the  parking lot   Clark  frowned.   

“This place looks kind of nice.” Dib shrugged.   

“I mean it was pretty good. Dad likes it.” Dib hopped out of the car and  Clark  hesitantly followed. He walked up to the hostess who looked a  little  puzzled by the two college kids showing up. Dib figured it was because it was a little early in the evening. The  dining hall  didn’t  usually  get slammed till after six. This was the time old people ate.   

“Can I help you  gentlemen ?” She looked more to Clark than Dib.   

“Oh yeah can I get a table for two?” Dib leaned on the podium causing the petite hostess to take a step back. He looked around at the nicely dressed people waiting. Funny how people did actually eat this early. Dib found he  rarely  ate before about ten.   

“Y-yes?” She looked a little confused. “Would you like to browse a menu while you wait?”  

“Yeah I  kinda  want to see the prices in this place.” Clark looked a little uncomfortable.   

“I mean sure if you want, but I can cover it. It’s not that bad.” Dib waved off the concern. “I mean, this is my way of saying: thank you.”   

“We currently have a  forty-five-minute  wait.” The hostess smiled politely. “What name would you like us to put the reservation under?”   

“Membrane.” The hostess froze at the response.   

“Just a moment.” She smiled at Dib before hurrying to the back and having a very  in-depth  discussion with a nicely dressed man that Dib vaguely remembered was the owner of the place. (His dad had helped invent their entire line of kitchen  equipment ). She quickly made her way back, her friendly  demeanor  now  multiplied  by ten. “’ Actually,  Mister Membrane, a  table  just  opened  up! You can come right this way!” She grabbed two menus and quickly scurried through the crowd with Dib and a rather  surprised  Clark in tow. Dib was a bit surprised himself, but he supposed his family name still held a great deal of clout, despite the fact that he never had the opportunity to use it. They were sat at a table on  the  second floor where the guests were  more  spaced apart and the dull roar of conversation from below was far less  noticeable . “Will  this  be okay, sir?”   

“Yeah it’s fine. You like it?” He looked to Clark who nodded, looking around in a bit of awe. She placed the  menus  in front of the two before hurrying off again. Clark picked up the menu looking a little  bewildered  by the treatment.  

“There are no prices on here.” He looked a bit concerned.   

“Don’t worry about it; I never paid you back for that pizza so we can call it even.”   

“I... would...  hardly  call that even...”   

“I mean I’m sure you paid for other stuff I forgot. If you don’t like this place though we can go.” Dib didn’t understand what was making Clark so uncomfortable. His didn’t think it was all that weird. His dad sometimes brought them to places like this when they had gotten older and Dib thought the food was good- at least- better than the dining hall.   

“If you’re sure- but please don’t hesitate to change your mind on the bill.” Clark gave him a bit of a smile. “And I’ll definitely buy the next pizza.”   

“Then we’re even, so it’s good.” Dib waved him off. “So, you did really well taking care of me last night. It’s hard to believe you cured me in under twelve hours.”   

“I don’t think I cured you.” Clark shrugged. “I think you had some sort of anxiety attack, honestly. But it might have been a bug.”   

“A bug huh?” Dib leaned a little closer toward Clark across the table causing the young medical student to raise an eyebrow at him. “Like a  Parasite ?”   

“I mean... that’s doubtful. Probably just a stomach virus.”   

“ So,  you admit it!” Dib pointed the menu at Clark triumphantly. “You know what Parasites are!”  

“Yes Dib, lots of people do. A vast variety of parasites have been studied across the globe to assess their effects of humans and animals.”   

Ah fuck.  In all his excitement he had forgotten that the alien race shared a name with creatures  also  found on his own planet.   

He would blame the screw up on lack of sleep.   

“ That was pretty stupid .” Dib jumped a bit, forgetting he had CB in his ear. Clark looked over, but he covered the reaction by stretching.   

“Why do you think you have a parasite?” Clark closed the menu, looking over at his  companion, that eyebrow still raised . “Have you been anywhere unusual? Come into contact with something I should know about?”   

“ He is pressing you for information about Q !” CB had a point. If Dib was right, and Clark was Syndicate, then Q had been their prisoner. (Honestly, Q probably deserved whatever awful fate the Syndicate had in store for him, but outing Q at this point  would  put  Zim  at risk. He doubted the Parasite would keep his mouth shut about the  location  of the missing  weapon  that  Skoodge  had  weaseled  out of him). Dib leaned back in his seat.   

“Oh well, no, not really. But I tried to Web MD myself and you know how those results go.” He made an uncomfortable attempt at laughing.   

“I was about to say, what sort of weird places has your friend ‘Zim’ been taking you too.” Clark laughed. “When do I get to meet him anyway? You talk about him a lot but you never invite him over. He must be a lot of fun.”  

“ He is deflecting the conversation. ” CB whispered pointedly. “ You should punch him and tell him he is the one on trial here. ”   

“Y-yeah,  Zim’s  okay.” Dib ignored the truly  terrible  advice. He was, thankfully,  interrupted  as a waitress came by to take their orders. Clark kept his pretty simple but Dib went ahead and ordered what his dad had gotten him last time. He remembered it being pretty good.   

“I never realized you liked places like this.” Clark looked around in awe.   

“I mean they have good food. The atmosphere can be a little stuffy and if you ask for a Poop  Cola  they just glare at you; but other than that, I like it.”   

“ You are letting him get you off topic. ” CB critiqued. “ If you are not going to punch him, at least ask him more about what happened after you fell on your face .”   

“So, after I passed out, did you carry me to my room? You’re stronger than you look.” Dib took a smug sip of his drink. Clark stared at him blankly.   

“I’m not sure if that is a compliment or an insult.” Dib wanted to shoot back with: ‘ It’s an accusation ’. But merely shrugged. “I mean, yeah. I sort of had to half drag you because you’re so tall, but I managed...”  

“Why not just call the ambulance? I mean you had to be pretty panicked, right? A simple college student alone with an  unconscious  roommate.”   

“I mean... you were breathing normally. It seemed like overkill. Plus, last time your sister came by she said you don’t really take care of yourself. I figured if things got worse then I could call. But you  told  me when I first moved in you didn’t trust the medical system...”  

“Oh... that is true.”   

“ This guy is good. You will have to tase him .” Maybe letting CB tag along wasn’t the best idea.   

“Did you live anywhere before Texas?” There had to be some kind of hole in his backstory.  Zim  barely knew about the concept of parents- surely Clark couldn’t have grasped all of Earth culture. The suspect shook his head.   

“No, mom and mom really liked the area so we pretty much just stayed there.”   

“Why haven’t I gotten to meet your parents?”   

“Because they are in Texas.”   

“ You are really bad at this .”   

“Why did your brother get a job up here, then?” Dib tried his best to ignore CB.   

“I  dunno .” Clark shrugged. “I guess he liked the campus. Or he is doing it because he still treats me like his baby brother despite the fact that I’ll be going to  med school  next year.” The sever returned laying the food out in front of them. Clark began to dig in.   

“ This is not  working;  you need me to be the bad cop .  If you throw the phone at  him,  I can yell insulting things about the Syndicate for both a physical and emotional attack .”  

“Okay, then what about the night we found the drone?” Dib cut into his steak. Clark already had a mouthful by the time he had finished posing the question.  

“ Wha ’  abou ’ it’?” he mumbled trying to chew.   

“I was looking at the video and I saw this.” He pulled out his phone and turned it to Clark as the shaky footage from that night began to play. Clark gave him a confused look.  

“Yeah I remember that. I was there.”  

“ Yes,  I know that.” Dib was getting annoyed. “But look right here, right before the ship  explodes,  you’re standing right outside. Then it blows up and somehow you’re right behind me?” He pointed his fork, still holding his steak, at Clark. “A likely story.”  

Clark blinked. “I am pretty sure you flew back into me.” He looked thoughtful. “Plus, I had walked into the drone right after that clip happened, to come and get you because you were scaring me.” He pushed the phone back toward Dib who let the video play further to the point where Clark had nearly wrapped around the solid tree.   

“Then explain this!” He pushed the phone back in Clark’s face.   

“Explain what?”  

“Look, you slammed into that tree.” Dib replayed it back.   

“I don’t think I hit it that hard.”   

“Clark,” Dib zoomed the video in so he could see the damage left in the splintered wood. “Look at the tree, you practically snapped it.”   

“That just looks blurry to me.” Clark shrugged at went back to his food, pushing the phone back to Dib again. Dib bit angrily into his steak as all his trump cards fell flat against Clark’s  oblivious  façade. He sat for a moment, chewing his food, deep in thought.   

“ Just get to the point. He is running you in circles .” He hated to admit it, but CB was right. If Clark was going to play dumb, Dib had no choice but to be upfront with his accusations. It was time to lay it out on the table.  

“Clark,” He pointed the fork at him again. “You seem to have inhuman speed and recoverability- maybe even strength. You’re an alien.” Clark paused, his fork in his mouth,  looking  at Dib with a blank expression. He looked around himself as if trying to find something before swallowing his food and putting the utensil back on the table.   

“Didn’t we do this bit last night? Or did I dream it.”   

“You are not from Texas, Clark Rodgers. You are from space. You. Are. An.  Alien .” He punctuated each word with a tap on the table. To his surprise, Clark didn’t really look alarmed or upset, but rather  bemused  by the accusation.   

“Ok. Okay.” He went back to his steak. “You stay inside a lot; leave at weird hours; sleep till five in the afternoon; and wear a  trench coat . You. Are. A. Vampire.” He mimicked Dib’s hand motions with perfection as he spoke.   

“What?”  

“ Are you a vampire ?”   

“No, this is serous!” He was answering both CB and Clark. “It’s not a game Clark! I’m going to find out the truth!” Dib slammed his hands on the table. He paused; Clark’s eyes had darted to the side. Dib began following his gaze, looking around him to see the other people staring at the two in silence. The server scurried back over.   

“Is everything all right?” She asked.  Clark waved her off.   

“Yeah, yeah. Sorry. We were just playing a game.” Clark  laughed;  his  easy-going  attitude  seemed  to make the server a little less uncomfortable. “We got a little loud and I’m sorry about that.” The server gave a thin smile and nodded.   

“A-all right.” Though more relaxed, she still didn’t seem to trust the reply. “Please keep it down.  Remember  there are other patrons.”   

“ Did he defend you ?” CB sounded just as confused as Dib felt. “ What is his  angle ?”   

“Probably doesn’t want to bring the unwanted attention on himself.” Dib muttered as quietly as he  could  under his breath.   

“Hm?” Clark looked up.   

“Oh, I just  said : It’s a game. You win.”   

“I don’t think that was nearly enough syllables.”  

“It’s what I said though.” Dib let out an exasperated breath as he stared hard into his food. This was a lot harder than he had given it credit for.  

“Huh.” Clark went back to his food as well, apparently content not to question Dib any further. He was quiet for a little bit before he laughed to himself. “You know, all things considered, it’s not the worst date I’ve ever had. A little  unorthodox  maybe. But I’m having fun!”   

“W... what?” Dib nearly choked on his food as Clark’s words finally clicked. “Wait.” He coughed, trying to swallow his food instead of inhaling it. “No- Clark. No. This wasn’t a date. I don’t date suspects.” He finally choked the words out. Sure, Clark was attractive in a boy-next-door kind of way, but Dib assumed that was part of the danger. He’d lure you in with the bright blue eyes and crooked smile and then... well... Dib wasn’t exactly sure. But it probably involved decapitation.   

Definitely decapitation.  

“Why exactly am I a suspect?”  

“Everyone’s a suspect.”   

“ So,  you can’t date anyone?”   

“No. Wait. Yes? I mean I’ve never really been on a date. But, no- this isn’t about me, Clark. This is about you being an alien.”  

“ Riiiiiight , I’m an alien.” He laughed. “Well Dib, you took me out to a nice  restaurant  in an attempt to get to know me better. You can see how I would get confused.” Great. Now Dib was confused.  Had  this been a date? No. This was an interrogation damn it! “Regardless, date or not, this was pretty fun! I liked the part where we got to really talk.”  

“ I am confused, was this a romantic  endeavor ?” Dib had to reach into his ear and turn CB off. This whole situation was confusing enough without the commentary.   

“Do you have to be so nice about this? It wasn’t what I was expecting...” Dib huffed as he finished his food. Clark laughed.   

“I’m unpredictable I guess!” Dib wasn’t sure why he got red faced when he saw the grin on the other man’s face- it probably was some trace side effect from Q’s toxin. Dib quickly downed the rest of his drink in an attempt to quell the heat inside him. “Honestly Dib, I’m just glad we’re talking. I’ve  always  thought you were interesting.”  

“Y-yeah.” Dib grabbed the check off the table and waved the server down to pay. “But don’t think you are off the hook just because you flirted with me.”   

“I  guess  I have to be interrogated again then.” Clark seemed pleased with himself, just confirming Dib’s suspicion that he was an alien. “But if the flirting makes you uncomfortable, of course I’ll stop.” Dib felt his face heat up a little more.   

“Y-you’re distracting that’s all.” On the one hand, the attention was kind of nice. He wasn’t accustomed to this type of flattery. Maybe it was some sort of mind control- or maybe Clark was just using his looks to get Dib off the trail. That was the more likely option. But... to be sure, he would have to do a little more research into the Syndicate and the aliens within their ranks. “But this was... fun.” Dib wanted to think he was lying, that his enjoyment was part of the charade- but... he actually had enjoyed himself despite his best efforts.   

“Yeah! I had a nice time! I mean the part with you hitting the table was a little much, but the reactions were kind of funny.” Clark really was taking this too well. It  pretty  much assured he wasn’t human. Dib couldn’t imagine any other human shrugging off his outburst. Dib jumped as his phone let out a rather aggressive buzz in his pocket as the two headed out. Dib checked the messages and there was one from his own number.   

Me:  DID YOU MUTE ME!?  

Ah. CB must have realized he turned the  Bluetooth  off.   

“Everything okay?” Clark looked over at Dib.   

“Oh, yeah, something came up at home. You mind if I drop you off real fast?” At least this was an out. Dib wanted to head back for a while anyway and having failed to prove Clark was an alien  tonight - he felt returning to the apartment now would be admitting defeat.   

Dib placed his phone back in his pocket, figuring CB could hear him well enough. “Oh of course, is everyone okay?” Clark seemed genuinely concerned.   

“Yeah, my dad just wanted me to see his new invention.” Dib took Clark back to the car. “It pretty much never works the first time  so  I may be in late.”  

“You always are, Vampire boy.” Clark teased. Dib smirked. “Well tell your family hello for me. Especially your sister who I am not going to lie,  terrifies  me a bit.”   

“She does that.”   

“I’m glad she isn’t coming over because she always kicks my ass at whatever game I’m playing. I want to keep my  self-confidence  for a bit longer.  Plus,  I can’t  tell  if she likes me or not.”   

“She also does that.” Dib mused. “I don’t think she likes people in general.”   

“I think that  makes  me feel better.” Despite the fact that he had gone through an interrogation, Clark was still pretty upbeat as they made their way back to the apartment. “I hope your dad’s machine works!” Clark hopped out of the car as Dib pulled up in front of the apartment.   

“Same. See you.” He waved before Clark closed the car door and headed  inside  and Dib decided his best course of action was to go to the Membrane House.  Tak’s  ship still sat tucked away in the basement and Dib figured h e  could scour the databanks for information.   

“ Did you think I  would  not notice you turning off our communication!? How dare you !” The lights in the car all turned blue (that was new- Dib really needed to clear CB out of his car) as the AI came over the stereo sounding more offended than he had ever been before. “ You were unsuccessful because you could not listen and then you  disconnect  me? You do not understand how interrogations work at all. We should have done this at the  Master's  house .”  

“Then he would know you snuck out.” Dib replied flatly.   

There was a very distinct pause.   

“ Just because that is correct does not mean you are right. ” CB retorted huffily.   

“I think if you analyze that  sentence,  you’ll see how flawed it  really  is.” Dib smirked to himself. He may have failed to get the better of Clark, but pissing off CB  made  him feel better. The car pulled over to the side and Dib let out a frustrated sigh, no longer feeling that smug sense of satisfaction. He had forgotten CB could do that.   

“ Apologize. ”   

“CB  you  diva, come on.” Dib  let  his forehead hit the  steering wheel  as he fell forward in an overly-dramatic display of exasperation. “I need to get to my dad’s place.” He wasn’t going to apologize to a computer with a superiority complex, so he figured he could  try  enticing him. (It was like dealing with  Zim , only without the ability to throw him out). “There’s an old  Irken  ship at my house, CB. It probably has  information  about the Syndicate.”   

“ I have information about the Syndicate. I have information from the Master’s ship and his house .” He could tell he had at least peeked the computer’s interest.   

“That’s true. But for one: I doubt  Zim’s  databanks are up to date. Now if you had access to  Skoodge’s  ship and its data that would be different.” CB’s silence affirmed that he had yet to get ahold of  Skoodge’s  ship. “Let’s face it, the Tallest probably aren’t keeping  Zim  up to date.”  Again,  CB was quiet. Dib was a bit surprised; he vaguely wondered if he had hit some kind of nerve. “If this Syndicate of yours is constantly expanding I need the most recent information.”   

“ That is fair .” CB finally spoke.   

“And also, I’ll be real with you: I don’t  fucking  trust you, CB. You’re creepy and kind of unpredictable and I’m pretty sure you would sell me to your worst enemy for a single corn chip- and you don’t even eat.” Dib attempted to start the car again.   

“ Again, that is a valid assessment .” CB allowed the car to start and Dib merged himself back into traffic. The Membrane house wasn't terribly far from campus, so the forced stop by the uppity computer wouldn’t put him too far back. It was already dark before he had even dropped Clark off, but it wasn't like anyone at home had a normal schedule. Odds were Gaz hadn’t even been up for long. Ever since she started doing her schooling online, she’d been worse than Dib about staying up all night and sleeping all day.   

Sure enough, Dib pulled into the driveway and lights were on. He turned off the car, putting his cellphone in his back pocket as he got out of his car. He fumbled with his keys opening the house door only to see a distressed Foodio, frantically cooking in an otherwise empty kitchen. Dib decided to slip passed him. He wasn’t hungry anyway.   

In the  living room  he saw his sister, playing  something,  he didn’t recognize as an older, ginger woman attempted to play along.  Of course,  Gaz was leaving her in the dust, but she was doing better than his father. Seeing her made Dib roll his eyes. “Are you still a thing?” The woman was a fellow scientist that his father had reunited with at some science  conference .  She was also-  

“Well your father and I have been married for two years as of last month. So yes. It appears I’m still a thing.”   

His step mother.   

Dib didn’t really trust her. She was a  geneticist  who kept most of her projects secret and when he pried into her  work,  she would just wave him away with something not-at-all reassuring like: ‘ Don’t worry, Junior, this one doesn’t involve you ’.   

Dib had brought up his concerns to his father about how she was: ‘ probably evil ’ and clearly had ‘ questionable scientific ethics ’. His father had just laughed and laughed and told Dib that it was one of the things he and the woman had in common. So, it was despite everyone’s best judgement that Dib and Gaz gained a scientific genius of a stepmother and Dr. Moira  O’Deorian  became Dr. Moira Membrane. Dib wasn’t home much, but he assumed his dad would have grown tired of being in a more traditional family unit by now.   

“Why are you home?” Gaz didn’t even look away from the screen. “Hurry up Moira, you’re slowing me down!”   

“It’s an escort mission,  Gazline .” The Irishwoman retorted with an elegant air of indignation. “I am keeping the target safe.”   

“Safe from what? I’ve killed like everything.”   

“There were invisible enemies last level. They could spawn again.”   

“My roommate’s probably an alien if anyone is wondering.” Dib interjected, immediately bored of watching his sister and (hopefully temporary) stepmom argue about pixels on a television while their planet was probably under attack from the Syndicate.   

“Clark?  Yeah,  I mean probably. No ordinary human wants to spend that much time with you.” Time had not softened Gaz’s biting wit.   

“Be nice  to  your brother.”   

“I’m serious. He’s probably an alien.”   

“Who’s an alien?” His dad poked his head in from the hallway, part of his hair was smoking. “Are we talking about  Zim  again?”  

“No dad. You remember  Clark?  My roommate? He’s an alien.”   

“Oh? When did we finally get rid of Texas? They had it coming if you ask me.”   

“ No,  I think he means like alien from space- darling you’re on fire.” Moira only glanced up from the screen for a moment but Gaz let out a frustrated sigh and she turned back.   

“Damn right I’m on fire! I’m making great progress to that power amplifier!”   

“Yeah I’m just going to go to the garage.” Dib had yet to convince his dad of  Zim  and at this point he had honestly given up.   

“Dude, even if Clark is an alien, is it worth outing him?” Gaz knew about the supernatural underbelly with which Dib was  involved.  “I mean, he’s your  friend,  right? And you’ve already gone through two other roommates.”  

“It’s worth it if he’s evil.”   

“Do you  know  he’s evil?” Moira questioned.   

“I know  you’re  evil.” Dib  replied  pointedly.  

“I’m not  evil,  Junior . I’m  morally ambiguous . There’s a difference. And if it were not for that moral ambiguity you would not be here.” Dib made a face. He hated to be reminded that she played any part in his creation (even if it was just as a genetic consultant).   

“Don’t call me Junior.”  

“Sorry to hear about your evil roommate, son.” His dad interrupted. As per usual, He seemed to have missed the point of the vast majority of the conversation. “Is he worse than that guy who was committing academic fraud? Stealing is one thing, but stealing scientific ideas should be punishable by death!”   

“That seems extreme, dad.” Dib rubbed the bridge of his nose. “No. I mean... he hasn’t done anything yet. It’s a work in progress, okay?”   

“I  mean  I’d  also  be highly suspicious of anyone who found you attractive.” Gaz interjected. “ But  that’s because I had to live with you. Just make sure you know what you’re doing before you end up scaring this guy off.”   

“Not helping!” Dib’s  cheeks  reddened in frustration as he stalked passed his family to the back door. “I’m going to the garage! Don’t interrupt me!”  

“No one cares!” Gaz called out; at the same time his stepmother  replied  with: “Oh have fun, Junior”; and his father  mumbled : “About time we got rid of Texas.”   

Dib could not get to the garage fast enough,  remembering  now more than ever, why he had decided to move into the college apartments. He made his way into the back where (thankfully)  Tak’s  ship remained unbothered by the chaotic changes to the Membrane house. He quickly powered her up, readying for the inevitable barrage  of  insults that would follow.   

“ What do you want  you  lumpy meat-sack !?” And there it was.   

“I need to talk with you about the Galactic Syndicate.” Dib straightened himself up. “What species does it house currently? Can you tell? Are there any mind controlling or shape-shifting types?”  

“ Woah! Wait a moment !” The ship sounded unhappy. “ What is that abomination in your butt!? ” Dib blinked.   

“In my butt?” He paused at a complete loss. “Wait, you mean my pho-” Then it hit him. “Oh! You are talking about CB? He is not in my butt.”   

“ I am most assuredly not  in  his butt .” CB affirmed quickly.   

“ It talks too!? How wretched! ”  

“ Well you are no sight yourself you out of date- ” Dib turned the phone off quickly.   

“He’s gone. See?” He held the phone up. This was a bad idea as it powered instantly back on and CB continued seamlessly where he had left off.   

“ Make-shift excuse for a cruiser. Can you store information on the Syndicate on those tiny data drives? Because I calculate that you cannot. ” Great. The two computers apparently hated  each other . He was hoping he could have used CB to ease his way into getting information from  Tak’s  ship, but that plan seemed to be dead on arrival.   

“I’ll put him outside.” Dib promised. “But only if you give me the information I need.”   

“ Any why would I do that!? ” The ship sounded truly  appalled .  

“Because if you  don’t,  I’ll plug CB directly into you.”   

“ Do it .” CB urged.   

“ Very well. ” CB’s eagerness must have been noticed by  Tak’s  ship because she very quickly relented. “ Take that monstrosity out of my sight and I shall share the intel you request. ” Dib grinned. It seemed CB was useful  after all . He sauntered outside, and placed CB on the ground in front of the garage door, despite his protests.   

“There, he’s gone. Now, do you have  recent  information on the Galactic Syndicate?”  

“ My intel is up to date .”  Perfect.  “ There are a few mind controlling  species  and shapeshifters in the  Galactic  Syndicate.  However,  they have all been deemed low-threat by the Empire .”   

“How strong is their military force?”   

“ The Syndicate Rangers are a diverse group of the military elite gathered from each of the Syndicate planets. The  Irken  Empire has them listed as being a high-priority threat. There is also a do-not-engage order for any and all Syndicate allied planets and forces. ”   

“If any of those Rangers were here on this planet, how would I know?” He had to get down to the meat of the problem.   

“ Well if you  weren't  a pathetic flesh-bag and were an  Irken , you would just know.  Irkens  can identify species-even those with advanced disguising capabilities and invisibility- through the scanning function of our PAKS. It is just one of the many reasons we are going to one day  rule  and/or destroy your pathetic excuse for a planet. ”  

“I see.” Dib sighed. He had wanted to do things on his own. After all,  Zim  was unreliable and  Skoodge  just made Dib uncomfortable due to his competence. It wasn’t a good feeling to know that he had taken down planets in the past. But if Dib  wanted  to progress in the quest to save his planet from the Syndicate- it  seemed  as if he would  need  to bite back his pride and force down his insecurities. It sounded like he would need an Irken.  

“ Are you done? ”  Tak’s  ship sounded bored with him already.   

“I am. Thanks for your help.”   

“ You are fortunate that you have had the opportunity to work with functioning Irken technology rather than that horrid... thing you brought in with you. ”   

“Yeah yeah,” He figured Tak’s ship would hate something manufactured by  Zim , as she did not have a high opinion of  Zim  either. Though Dib’s initial hope had been that they would cooperate- he should have known better. “You can shut down if you wish-” And instantly the ship turned off. Dib would have been offended if this had been the first  time  she had done this- but he was accustomed to the behavior by now.   

It didn’t  matter .   

Dib had a phone call to make.   

Chapter Text

Dib marched out of the garage and picked an irate CB out of the ground. “Okay, so  Irkens  can recognize alien races just by scanning them. So, despite the fact that I really did not want to resort to this, I am going to need you to call  Zim .”   

“ No .”   

“What do you mean no?”  

“ No. You left me out here in the grass. ”  

“Don’t be a bitch CB, call Zim.”  

“ No.   I do not want to. ”   

“Then I guess I will just go to him myself and tell him how you broke your grounding to come out with me.” CB for all his sass and insults, still seemed to listen to  Zim . It was kind of funny to imagine CB  as Zim’s  rebellious teenage son.   

“ ... fine .” The cellphone pulled up the call screen and dialed Zim without Dib having to push a single button.   

“What do you want?” It was just like  Zim  to sound annoyed. It wasn’t like the  Irken  slept ( though apparently , he could if he wanted) so Dib doubted he was interrupting anything. Dib sighed heavily as he headed back to his car.   

“Okay, so I'm pretty sure my roommate, Clark, is actually part of the Galactic Syndicate- or at the very least: an alien.” Dib let it all out at once. It felt good telling someone who really, truly understood what was at stake.   

“Kay.” Zim didn’t sound all that concerned; that was a frustrating turn of events.   

“So, I’m going to need you to help me analyze him.”   

“Oh.” The reply was just as flat and disinterested. “Yeah. No. I talked to Skoodge, he thinks we should drop the investigation for a bit since we got our hands on the weapon. We don’t really want to draw the attention of the Syndicate survivors to us.”   

“Damn it Zim! My roommate  is  one of those Syndicate survivors!” Dib insisted, before hesitantly adding: “I mean, probably.”   

“So, what exactly did you want Zim to do about this?”   

“I need you to come and meet him. Tak’s ship told me you could scan him with your PAK. Then I can prove he’s an alien and save the Earth.”   

“ Zim’s  PAK is incredible and I could easily determine the species and alignment of you ‘roommate’. BUT! I will not.  Skoodge  has raised many excellent points about why we should not do that.” It seemed not even  Zim’s  ego could change his mind on this. The more  Skoodge  got involved with things, the less Dib was starting to like him (and Dib hadn’t been a fan of Skoodge from the start).  

“If you like Skoodge so much why don’t you just marry him?”   

“Zim has been bonded before and doesn’t want to go through that again right now.”   

“What?”   

“What?” Zim repeated the question back at him. Dib had not followed that sentence in the slightest. He was able to figure out that the word ‘bonded’ probably meant something akin to marriage for Irkens, but that was about it.  

“Look, Zim,” Dib didn’t have the energy to deal with this. “This is really important.” Reason wasn’t going to work. Zim needed incentive. “And if you do it, I’ll clean up after GIR for a week.”   

“Deal.” Zim’s response was instant. “But Skoodge won’t like it.”   

“Fuck Skoodge.”   

“I can hear  you,  you know. I’m in the room.” Dib furrowed his brow as the unmistakable voice  of Skoodge  came over the line. “ Zim  is sitting next to me.”  

“ I bet you feel stupid. ” He could hear CB’s voice in the background of the call and recalled that he was able to occupy the house as well is his phone. If CB weren’t both creepy and an asshole, Dib would have been impressed. “ You  thought  Zim  was alone but he was actually with  Skoodge  the entire time you were talking. ”  

“CB has been sneaking out of the house while  pretending  to be my phone.” Dib  wasn't  about to take shit from a computer.   

“CB! No! You were commanded to be grounded! You must listen to  Zim !”  Zim  immediately jumped onto the new topic. “Now you must be grounded for  quadruple  forever.   

“ Traitor .” CB huffed.   

“Your home base AI is awfully disobedient.”  Skoodge  commented in the background. “Has it always been that way, even before the updates you made?”   

“You guys are getting off topic! This is about Earth, remember? And the impending Syndicate invasion?” Things had been easier when they were just  Zim  and Dib. Getting  Skoodge  involved had caused a lot of  unnecessary  complications. He wasn’t even sure why  Zim  was so keen to listen to this guy anyway.  Zim  didn’t like to listen to anyone.  

Maybe he was just lonely.   

“ Invasion  is a strong word for it.”  Skoodge  replied dryly. “They crash-landed here, if you recall, any plans the Syndicate has for Earth are incidental at best.”  

“Shut up,  Skoodge , this doesn’t involve you.”   

“Well, actually if we are going to be analyzing your roommate it does.”  

“I asked  Zim . Not you.”   

“ Skoodge  has been helping me update my disguise!”  Zim  interjected. “It is truly hideous now! I can’t stand to look at myself in the mirror. It is only slightly less freakishly ugly than you are, Dib-slug!” The  Irken  sounded incredibly pleased with himself on this fact. Dib hated to admit it, but improvements to  Zim’s  disguise were probably a good thing. He just didn’t want to give  Skoodge  any credit for helping since he had protested Dib’s investigation at almost every turn.   

“It’s more human now. The previous disguise would  not  have fooled even the most basic of cadets. Plus, on the off chance  Zim  and I are confronted, having two  Irkens  is better than just one. Though we aren’t technically doing anything wrong by being here. It’s best just to avoid drawing attention to ourselves this far out of  Irken  territory.”   

“And we are Invaders.”  Zim  agreed. “And technically I was supposed to  conquer  your pathetic dirt hole. It’s just that I deemed it not worth the Empire’s resources. But the Syndicate doesn’t know that so theoretically this could look bad.”   

“ So  what’s the plan? You guys want to scope him out at our place or what?”   

“We should do a public area.”  Skoodge  was quick to dismiss the idea. “On the off-chance that this roommate is actually something very dangerous like the Parasite you encountered, it would be best to be in a public place where he’ll be limited in his actions. It is unlikely he’ll  want  to cause a scene around the locals. It would put his whole ship at risk.”   

“Okay, I’ll work something out with Clark. Then, I’ll send you the information so you can meet us.”  Finally,  he was getting somewhere.   

He  hurried  back to the apartment, of course Clark was nowhere to be found but the door to his room was closed so Dib assumed he was asleep already. The excitement of the impending trap had Dib on edge, sleep was difficult, so eventually he just gave up and decided to actually work on his schoolwork for once.   

CB was either gone from the phone, thanks to  Zim , or ignoring Dib because the Membrane clone had outed him. Either way, it was nice to finally get some peace and quiet. Dib realized he had been a little negligent in his schooling as he scrolled through his e-mails to find a very sternly worded letter from Doctor Rosenberg reminding him that he was at a school and some degree of attendance would be necessary if he wanted a passing grade.   

It was true- he'd gotten involved in the matters of planetary safety and the last time he had even thought about anything related to his major- it was when he accused Clark of letting Dr. Rosenberg into his room at three in the morning. And while Dib had no intention of attending his next class (he had already made his plans to trap Clark), he figured he should at least turn in a few of the assignments with upcoming due-dates.   

About two papers in, he heard the sounds of movement in the kitchen and immediately dropped what he was doing to skid out into the shared living area where Clark was almost to the door, backpack slung over his shoulder. The (probable) alien nearly dropped his bag as Dib barged in. “What are you doing up at this hour? I didn’t think you knew that  eight  in the morning existed.”   

“Bold of you to assume I sleep.” Dib retorted as Clark just grinned, composing himself. “Look, Clark, my friend  Zim  and his friend are going to be in town today and I was wondering if you wanted to grab a quick lunch or something? You’ve been talking about how much you wanted to meet him.” This was the perfect plan; no way Clark would be able to fool  Irken  Invaders. (Well... one  Irken  Invader and one... just plain  Irken ).  Skoodge  was a bit unsettling, but he apparently had at least one conquered planet on his resume, so he must know what he’s doing.  

“I  dunno  dude, what time?”   

“Like... noon? You’re out of  lab  by then, right? I  mean  the time is up to you. They’re in town for a little while.” This was annoying, the plan wouldn’t work if Clark didn’t come.   

“I  kinda  had stuff to do today, but we could grab some takeout and eat here so I can work on things. That should be fine, right?”  

It wasn’t ideal, but Dib would take what he could get. “Yeah sure, that café down the street has good food and we can walk to our place from there.”   

“Perfect! I really have to run though so we can talk later! I’ll meet you at the café!” Clark more or less shouted the reply at Dib as he bolted through the door. Well... it had worked, he had gotten Clark to agree to meet them and that was enough.   

He went back to his room in an attempt to call  Zim  again but his phone just showed him a middle finger emoji and shut off. Dib sighed.   

“Oh, so you are still in there.”   

The phone powered itself on. “ You got me into trouble. ”   

“You got yourself into trouble, I just made  Zim  aware of the situation.” Dib countered. The glowing blue eye took over the screen again and narrowed  judgmentally . “Now stop being a baby and let me call  Zim .”   

“ Or you will what? ”  

“Or I will do a complete system wipe.” He had actually been meaning to do it for some time, but CB had  occasionally  still proved useful. There was a bit of silence as the AI seemed to weigh its options, contemplating if Dib was being serious or not.   

“ Very well. ”  Zim’s  number dialed itself.   

“You have the information?”  Zim  didn’t even bother with greetings as he picked up the phone.   

“Yeah, we’re meeting at the Cool Bean Café. It’s right down from my apartment. Then you guys can come back with us and we’ll eat it at our place. Clark says he doesn’t have enough time to stick around and sit down... I have kind of been dragging him out a lot recently.” He wanted to blame the  inconvenience  on Clark avoiding his inevitable capture, but the likely  explanation  was that, unlike Dib, Clark cared about his grades.   

“I thought we were  doing  the entire encounter  publicly .”  Skoodge’s  input suggested  Zim  had just put Dib on speaker.   

“Well Clark doesn’t have time. Don’t worry they’re college apartments, he won’t be able to do much without alerting the entire floor- they aren’t exactly sound proof.”   

“I suppose it will have to do.” The chubby  Irken  sounded far from thrilled.   

“It isn’t like they will see through our brilliant  Irken  disguises!”  Zim , on the other hand, sounded excited. “I will become hideous like the Dib-filth!”   

“You always flatter me so much.” He rolled his eyes but it was wasted over the phone. “I’ll meet you  both  at the café at noon. Don’t be late.”  

“We won’t.”  Skoodge  assured him.   

“THE CAFÉ WILL HAVE NO IDEA THAT THERE ARE IRKEN INVADERS DOING A TOP SECRET MISSION IN IT’S INNOCENT LITTLE BOOTHS!”   

“How did you know they had booths?’  Skoodge  sounded impressed.   

“ Zim’s  been there before.” Dib was quick to explain.   

“Yes!  Zim  enjoys their muffins!” It was a simple statement but  Zim  sounded as if this were vital intel being exchanged.   

“Right.” Dib sighed. “Okay I’ll see you both in a few hours.” He needed to find something to do to occupy himself as well. “Bye.”   

He went back to his schoolwork, but it was hard to focus as the minutes seemed to drag into hours. All he wanted was for it to be noon and for him to be proven right, once and for all, about his evil, alien roommate and his nefarious Syndicate  allegiance .   

It was finally close to noon and Dib practically ran to the café looking around for  Zim  and  Skoodge . He had only seen  Skoodge’s  human disguise briefly but he was certain his expert alien-detection skill would help him find the two. It was almost  instinct .   

“AT LAST MUFFINS!” It wasn’t like he had to try hard as he saw a robust strawberry blonde man with a slightly shorter, slender man with familiar red eyes and black hair.   

“Hey,” Dib walked casually  over  to them, looking the new  Zim  up and down. Freckles, slicked back hair, and muffin crumbs all over his face- there was no doubt it was  Zim . “You guys did a really good job.” He had to give credit where it was due.  

“ Zim  fought me every step of the way, but here we are.” Skoodge sounded tired.   

“I didn’t want to look hideous, but you’re right. That is the point of a disguise.”  Zim  still sounded a tad indignant and Dib felt vaguely as if he had missed some part of an argument. “So which one of these disgusting human worms is the suspected Syndicate scum? Because these are all humans.”   

“He’s not here.” Dib pulled out his phone only  to  see a text from Clark.   

Roommate (12:01PM):  Hey got held up a bit,  go  ahead and get in line, I’m almost there.  😀  

Dib sighed, putting his phone back. “Let’s go ahead and get in line, you two start thinking about what you want.” This was taking  forever .  

“The chili cheese dog sounds interesting.”  Skoodge  seemed more open to human food than  Zim .   

“ Zim  will get another muffin!” They shifted into the line as Dib shifted anxiously from foot to foot, constantly checking his watch and phone. He felt... hot, tugging at his collar as time continued to creep along.  Skoodge  was enthralled by the menu and  Zim  was playing with a straw, trying to balance it on his new (assumedly fake) nose.   

“ Heya ~” Dib,  Skoodge , and  Zim  nearly jumped out of their respective skins as Dib felt a heavy pressure on his shoulders. He saw Clark’s grinning face next to his, the shorter, scrawny boy with an arm around his shoulders. “Sorry I’m late!”  

“Oh no problem.” Dib waved him off. “ Zim  brought his friend  Skoodge  along, hope that’s okay.” He pointed to each of the  Irkens  in turn.   

“Howdy! Nice to meet you!” Clark offered his hand to  Zim  who stared at it blankly for a second.  Skoodge  quickly took the offered hand.   

“Pleasure.” He smiled. Again, Dib found himself impressed by  Skoodge’s  mastery of Earthly mannerism. “Forgive   Zim , he’s a germaphobe.”   

“Understandable.” Clark seemed unphased. “I love those names though!  Zim ?  Skoodge ? They’re really different!”  

“Nicknames.” It was Dib’s turn to interject as he had been so accustomed to people just... not  questioning  things that he couldn’t believe he had just tried to pass the name ‘ Skoodge ’ off as a human name. “I mean, you know Dib isn’t my real name either.”   

“I had a feeling, but you never told me your actual name.” Dib rubbed the bridge of his nose.   

“Okay, don’t laugh.”   

“I won’t.”   

“It’s: Diego  Isandro  Bolivar Membrane Junior.”  

“That’s a lot of names.”  Zim  remarked flatly. “You don’t need that many. And how many letters is that? Too many!  That's  how  many !” They had reached the front window and  Skoodge  very quickly turned away from the group and  began  to order. Clark had pulled out his phone (which was a little unlike him) and was looking at the screen, annoyed.   

“Clark, your order?” Dib nudged him.   

“Hm? Yeah.” He put his phone down for a second and ordered. “Sorry these group projects get frustrating.” He quickly typed out a quick message and put it back. “I know you guys probably wanted to eat here, but you’ll like our place. Dib has a giant TV.”   

“You know, things are getting a little busy for you. We can just call it here.”  Skoodge  offered politely. Dib figured they had already completed the scan and was trying very hard to read their expressions but both  Irkens  had impressive poker faces. Dib figured it was because a great deal of their expression was through their antennae and  thus  they didn’t really know how to do much with their faces. It was a little  aggravating - he wanted to know.   

“No  no ! It’s fine. At least stay for a movie!” Clark laughed. “I’m good.”   

“School’s important. We don’t  want -”   

“I insist.” He chuckled. “I need the break.”   

They received their food as Dib continued to try and analyze the two Irkens to no avail.  Zim  was being a little quiet though, and that was unlike him. He could have just been bored of the situation- that did tend to happen with  Zim .   

“Well... lead the way.”  Skoodge  looked at his food with a sense of satisfaction. At least one  Irken  wasn’t completely disgusted by human cuisine.   

“This way~” Clark took the lead heading out the door and down the road. “You guys should check out the campus! It is so much fun! And there is a lot to do around here!” He talked happily to the group though no one was really replying. “ Zim , how long have you known Dib anyway?”   

“Too long.”  Zim  retorted dryly. That sounded like  Zim . Dib was now fairly certain the smaller Invader was just bored.   

“Are you guys in school  around  here?” Clark was trying to make small talk.   

“Oh, no not yet. I just moved.”  Skoodge  was surprisingly quick in his responses as opposed to  Zim  who had a  tendency  to hem and haw his way through simple conversations. “But I’m interested in culinary school. I’ve always been a bit of a foodie.”   

“ Skoodge  is really good at eating.”  Zim  agreed in a way that might have been intended to be complimentary but just sounded (to Dib at least) like an insult. “He could decimate an entire planet with his appetite!”   

“I can respect that.” Clark sounded amused. “Have you two known each other long? I mean I assume so given you have those crazy nicknames for each other.”   

“Since we were  sm -” Dib had the sinking suspicion that  Zim  wanted to say ‘ since we were  smeets ’ but  Skoodge’s  laugh cut him off as the Invader wrapped an arm around  Zim  in what looked like just a teasing hug.   

“Since we were small.”  Skoodge  finished  Zim’s  sentence seamlessly. “Zack and I go way back. We actually grew up together. I missed him when he moved here.”   

“You missed me?”  Zim  looked genuinely touched. “Well of course you did, who wouldn’t!? I’m simply too amazing to be without.”   

“I came all the way here, didn’t I?”  Skoodge  ruffled  Zim’s  wig in what looked to be an affectionate manner (Though Dib noted that he  was  careful not to mess it up too badly, it still looked like real, human hair as  Zim  fixed it back). “Home was just a little less amazing without you.”  

“Aww that’s sweet~” Clark chuckled. “So  Zim’s  real name is Zack huh?”   

“Zim is Zack, I’m Skyler. I feel like I got the short end of the  nickname  stick though.”  Skoodge  laughed rubbing his neck.   

“I’m excited to finally meet you!  Dib talks about you all the time!” Clark pulled keys out of his pocket as they reached the apartment door. “Come on in! I can get us some drinks! Do you guys want anything.” He held open the door, ushering the others in. Dib almost felt guilty for socially trapping the invaders over what actually may have been a false alarm. (Actually. It would be interesting to see Skoodge act human for a day.)  

“No  no  we’re fine.”  Skoodge  waved the offer off. Clark  shrugged, finally closing the door behind them.   

“You don’t have to stay long.” Dib heard the definitive click of a lock. “You just have to stay long enough to tell me what the hell you  Irkens  think you’re doing.” Clark’s smile completely melted away as he fumbled with his backpack, pulling out what looked to be some sort of laser weapon. He pointed it directly at the two Irkens. “By order of the Galactic Syndicate:  Identify  yourself.”   

Skoodge  sighed looking down at his hotdog in disappointment. “ Mothra  damn it . I didn’t even get to take a bite.”  

Chapter Text

“How did you know our disguises were flawless!?”  Zim  stood there, completely aghast as he looked down the barrel of an unfamiliar type of gun. The hair on the back of Dib’s neck stood on end- his heart raced in his chest to the point he thought it might burst.   

“Well even if I didn’t have X-Ray vision, there have been a lot of context clues.” Clark spoke, hands trembling as if he wasn’t quite sure what he was  doing , himself. “The name  Zim  is very  Irken  and that AI on Dib’s phone has a very  Irken  personality- and it openly referred to its creator as  Irken  once or twice.”   

“How did you hear-”Dib spoke up to defend himself.   

“My hearing is very,  very  good. And I don’t think you know how loud you are. I knew this was coming; I just hoped that you would change your mind about outing me like this, Dib.” He looked... genuinely hurt. “I’m not mad, just disappointed. I guess we’re not as close as I thought.” His voice shook a bit and he seemed to be fighting to keep a poker face.   

Dib felt awful, but he was accustomed to pushing others away. Sometimes  heroes  had to burn bridges- Dib just happened to burn a lot of them “I did what I had to do.”   

“But I haven’t done anything! You’re the one who brought  Irkens   to  me !  So,  what are you planning to do now, Dib? Put me in a lab? Dissect me? Report me to your government? See? I can make accusations against you too! It works two ways!” For someone who claimed he wasn’t angry, Clark sure sounded pissed.  

“No! I just had to know what you were up to. I’m keeping my planet safe!”    

“Working with  Irkens  is a dumb way to  protect  a planet!”  

Skoodge  cleared his throat. “Yes,  Irkens  that you are currently waving your laser gun at.  So,  before you accidentally shoot us, what exactly is your rank? Isn’t there a Syndicate rule that indicates you must properly identify yourself before an arrest?”   

“I don’t have to tell you shit until you identify yourself to me!” Clark’s grip on the weapon tightened as he seemed to have been slightly distracted by Dib and only now seemed to remember who was actually at the barrel-end of his weapon.   

 “You’re awfully young, you’re a cadet a best.”  Skoodge  determined, looking Clark up and down with a generally unimpressed expression. “Are some kind of intern? Go get me some coffee.”   

“Ha! I’m not an intern, dumb ass!” Clark sneered.  “I’m a doctor!” And then the realization of what he said seemed to hit. “... Fuck.” Credit where credit was due,  Skoodge  had  weaseled  Clark’s rank out of him through taunting.   

“ So,  what are you  gonna  do then, doc?” The  Irken  seemed unimpressed. “Have me diet and exercise? Take me to medical jail?  Report me for violations against HIPPA?”  

“I’m a combat medic!” Clark retorted.   

“Fictional position!”  Skoodge  countered. “You literally made that up, just now.”  

“I j- I mean... I-” Clark was clearly getting flustered. “When did an  Irken  get a sense of humor anyway!? It’s not like  Irkens  to be so cheeky.”   

“I downloaded it! So I can go all day, Space Boy!”  

“Hey! That’s my line!” Dib  interjected .  

He was quickly cut off by a loud: “Shut up Dib!” from both  Skoodge  and Clark. Dib didn’t take it personally, Clark and  Skoodge  seemed to both be quite heated and the young investigator figured he was the last thing on their mind.   

“Face it, Doctor, you can’t do a thing. As a medic you have no power to arrest me, or my companion.”  Skoodge  put a triumphant arm around  Zim  who more or less looked annoyed by the whole ordeal as it unfolded before him.   

The door to Clark’s room flew off its hinges as Clark’s brother slid into the room, another futuristic looking weapon in his hand. “He can’t, but I can.” Clark looked back at the shattered door in pieces on his floor.   

“Dude, I have to pay for damages, you know that, right?” He glared at his brother as he looked over the damages. “Where the hell have you been? I texted you ages ago! Were you just hanging out in my room!?”   

“I wanted to make a cool entrance.” Conner flashed a badge toward the two Irkens, ignoring his brother’s complaints. “Conner Rodgers, Security Officer.”  

“That is not your real name.” Skoodge replied flatly.   

“Of course not. What sort of disguise would that provide!? None of us are using our real names.” Conner, despite his dramatic arrival, seemed to be decent at his job.  “Who would do something so stupid?”   

“I don’t like the way you’re looking at me.”  Zim  squinted at the  two  Syndicate thugs.   

“Insults aside, you two don’t exactly have a reason to arrest us.”  Skoodge  regained his composure after being a bit startled by the sudden addition of a second alien Invader. “It’s not illegal for us to be on this planet. This is  not  a Syndicate world.”   

“You’re right, but we have reason to believe you’ve been cooperating with a prisoner of ours and endangering the planet locals- which goes against everything the Syndicate stands for. I mean...  technically  you’re not doing anything illegal- yet- but that’s enough to at least bring you in for questioning.” Conner seemed to have a better grip on the situation than Clark who had immediately lost his temper with  Skoodge’s  constant prodding.   

“And you think we don’t recognize your name:  Invader Skoodge .” Clark was now taking a stance behind his brother. “That name is pretty much synonymous with the success of Operation Impending Doom II. You’re being here is a threat in and of itself!”   

“It’s a common name on Irk.”  Skoodge  shrugged.   

“I mean that’s  fair; you don’t look like the guy on the posters...” Conner elbowed his brother.   

“ Of course  it was  Skoodge !” It was now  Skoodge’s  turn to elbow his companion as  Zim  came readily to his  defence . “Do not nudge ZIM!”  Zim  huffed. “I was defending your honor!”   

“Much appreciated, but now is really not the time.”  Skoodge  sighed, rubbing the bridge of his fake nose. Dib was getting a little frustrated as he watched the two  rival , alien  factions  bicker back and forth. He had honestly expected a little more gunplay from something as twisted as they Syndicate. However, neither Clark nor Connor was really quick to pull the trigger. (In fact, Clark looked a little uncomfortable holding the gun at all).   

“Enough fooling around! We have to do something before these guys kill us all for knowing their secret!” Dib very much wished he  had  an advanced space weapon to pull out of a bag- but he had to settle for just being the tallest one in the room and hoping that would be intimidating enough. (He had his doubts; the odds of another height-based  hierarchy  were astronomical. Then again, so were the odds of him having an alien for a roommate- so Dib supposed odds didn’t matter in the end).   

“That’s not really their thing.”  Skoodge  waved for Dib to step down.   

“Torture then.” Dib narrowed his eyes at Clark. “You’re  disgusting .”  

“I...” Clark looked down, but it did not appear to be out of shame. He just looked confused. “W... what?”   

“Or are you Syndicate Bastards more into brainwashing?” Dib wished, again,  that  he could wave a gun in Clark’s face to emphasize his point- but the alien seemed to be slinking back all on his own. He actually lowered his weapon for a moment- Conner did not follow suit.   

“Dib, do you actually know  anything  about the Syndicate?” Clark looked angry again and Dib felt himself losing a bit of his  fervor - but he reminded himself that his roommate was here to destroy his planet (not be his friend) and the fires reignited inside him.   

“I know enough! I heard about how your people like to  assimilate  planets!” Dib retorted. “How long until Earth ends up like the others!?”   

“A long fucking time if everyone behaves like you.” Clark grumbled but quickly turned back to address Dib. “Okay then, genius, tell me what exactly happens when we assimilate a planet. I’m just curious. You’ve done your research, so tell me.”   

“I...” Dib opened his mouth and then closed it again.   

Fuck.   

Clark actually had a point, as much as it killed him to admit it. Dib didn’t really know what happened after- he only knew that it was something the Syndicate did.  

“It’s awful.” Zim, thankfully, spoke up. “The Syndicate gets all involved and then everyone gets universal healthcare and they share all their scientific advancements with the other Syndicate worlds. It’s actually the worst.”  

“Yeah-” Dib cut himself off as he actually listened to  Zim’s  description before turning to face the  Irken  so quickly that the tails of his trench coat whipped around his legs. “Wait!  WHAT !?” He was completely flabbergasted.   

“Syndicate worlds are so much harder to  conquer  because they gain access to all the Syndicate resources. Plus,”  Zim  didn’t seem to realize why Dib was upset “with that stupid treaty it makes worlds they touch off limits for  Irken  Invasion.”   

“They’re fucking  GOOD GUYS !?” Dib was completely at a loss. He had assumed he was hunting some sort of mind controlling dictatorship when he had apparently been tracking down members of some intergalactic peace corps.   

“It’s a matter of perspective.” Skoodge replied dismissively. “They have their flaws too.”   

“Every government has flaws.” Conner shot back.   

“Clark I-”   

“No Dib! I don’t want to hear it.” Clark held the gun back up but it wasn’t really pointed at anyone. Dib saw Conner push the barrel back to the ground since Clark seemed to be focused on other things. (Probably for the best in case he accidentally fired a shot). “I manage to save you from Q’s toxin and you sick  Irkens  on me!? What sort of a friend are you!?”   

“I thought you were evil!” He tried to defend himself.   

“And I thought we were close, but I guess we were both wrong  today .” Dib didn’t like how much  those  words seemed to sting.   

Q! That was right. Dib had one chance to try to make up for a mistake and (possibly) gain some new alien allies. “Clark wait- There was a weapon on your ship, right?”   

“Woah Dib-”  Skoodge  tried to cut in but Clark talked over him.  

“I... well... yeah but it wasn’t  our  weapon!” Clark looked defensive again. “It was found on one of our  satellites  and we were trying to figure out its origin. For the love of- Dib I  told  you we aren’t trying to hurt your Earth!”   

“Shame it’ll never be found.”  Skoodge  again tried to derail the conversation but Dib was (rightfully) pissed at the  Irkens . They had plenty of  opportunities  to stop him from accidentally attacking a peaceful band of alien refugees.   

“Yeah  yeah , I know.” Dib was on a mission now. “But Q found the weapon. He gave it to the  Irkens . You guys should take it back. You know, on the next probe that comes looking for you.” Dib saw  Skoodge’s  face harden even through the fake disguise.  

“Wait...” Conner kept his weapon raised but his expression softened. “You guys found it!? Y-yes we would like it back.”  

“Well... of course.” Though the expression on  Skoodge’s  face was pleasant Dib could hear the bitterness in his voice. Dib had forced their hand.  “It’s only right.  Zim , can you ask CB to bring the weapon. We were trying to analyze it ourselves, you see, such a strange device.”   

“ Weapon in transport. ” CB’s voice came out of  Zim’s  PAK.   

“Oddly nice of you.” Conner seemed unimpressed by  Skoodge’s  tale. “Using your valuable resources to work on finding the origin of a weapon.”  

“Not nice,”  Skoodge  corrected,  “we  don’t trust anything given to us by a Parasite. Would you?”   

“That’s fair.” Conner had to admit that  Skoodge’s  answer made sense. “And I trust that AI you  summoned   isn’t  planning to shoot us with the weapon when it comes in?”  

“That would put us at war.”  Skoodge  replied calmly.   

“And  also  it would be messy.”  Zim  agreed.   

“And between you and me the AI is kind of an obstinate asshole. It doesn’t take orders well, so I wouldn’t worry about the  Irkens  programming a secret agenda into it. I’ve heard it interact with Dib.” Clark half-whispered to Conner. Dib had to agree. The odds of CB following any orders seemed to be slim at best.  

 Of course, it did not take long for the AI to reach the campus. He was using the same robotic body that Dib had seen with Q, though it looked like it still needed some repair. Limping a little, CB handed the cube Dib had seen  Skoodge  hide the weapon in, over to the Invader in question. After messing with a few buttons on the side,  Skoodge  reached a hand in and pulled out the weapon. It was definitely the one he had seen Q hand over. Sure,  Dib  had only seen it for a moment, but he wasn’t one to forget a piece of alien tech.  

Immediately, as the gun surfaced, Clark looked a tad ill. “That thing gives me the creeps, always has.” The gun fell out of his hand to the floor with a loud clatter as he took a few steps back. “Conner you’ll have to carry it to the Captain.”   

“At least we know it’s legit.” Conner, reluctantly lowered his gun and took the device from  Skoodge . “Thank you Dib... I guess... you tried to out us to the  Irkens  but... I mean... you got us our weapon back so...”  

“Just do us one favor.”  Skoodge  piped up. “Can you... not mention us to your captain. It may look bad if you say you got the device from Irkens. I don’t want to cause any unnecessary drama.”   

“We’ll see.” Clark replied flatly. He followed his brother as the two walked  toward  the door, opening it. “You guys can go.” Dib wanted to point out that it was his apartment as well... but it seemed like a bad time for semantics.   

“Hey Clark look,” He started to talk, but the blue-eyed alien sighed heavily as he followed  Skoodge  and  Zim  out of the apartment.   

“Not now Dib.” Clark wouldn’t even look at him and for some reason it bothered Dib immensely as he watched him stare at the ground.   

As soon as everyone was out, the door was shut and Dib was left standing with two disguised  Irkens  on his own campus. “ That didn’t go as planned, I assume ?” CB’s robot body cocked its head curiously at the closed door. “ Because I was only half paying attention .”   

“I am surprised you actually gave up that weapon.” Dib decided to ignore the bot. He had a rough  enough  day without having to deal with CB’s insults.  

“It won’t matter.”  Skoodge  replied flatly. “Getting that weapon back will probably cause more harm than good for those guys.” He looked over to Dib with a smirk. “I mean, there's still the matter of that traitor, right? The one who caused the crash? Whoever that is won’t like the Syndicate getting their weapon back. As far as I’m concerned, this will all work out well. We can just take the weapon once that  traitor  strikes and, you know, kills them. ”   

Chapter Text

Dib had decided to spend the night back home.  Skoodge ,  Zim , and CB had decided to take their leave with no real follow-up to  Skoodge’s  ominous statement regarding the possibility of a traitor in the midst of the Syndicate. Dib wanted to pry him more for information, however, he needed to get his thoughts sorted out before he made a move.   

He had been so quick to jump on the Syndicate he had fucked up what could have been a good alliance. The realization left Dib feeling a little  queasy . The look of betrayal in Clark’s eyes was burned into his memory. He couldn’t face him- not yet.   

But this wasn’t entirely on Dib. Clark had lied to him too. He had multiple opportunities to come clean about his intergalactic  lineage . So, in a way, they were both at fault for the miscommunication. Still, Dib had given them the weapon. He was sure once this little fight blew over things would go back to some degree of normalcy. But until that point, it was best to stay out of Clark’s way.   

Give him some time to cool down.   

Dib could use this time to strategize on how to work with the Syndicate to better ensure the safety of Earth. If aliens like Q or  Skoodge  were going to be setting up bases here, Dib would need to be better prepared to defend his home.   

He opened the door to the house and was greeted with an explosive sound followed by the entire foundation tremoring beneath his feet. Why he had ever thought home would be a peaceful place to plan- he wasn’t sure. His father slid into the kitchen as if propelled by some unseen force, ash covering one side of his face. “Ah!” He noticed Dib in the doorway. “Hello son! If you are here to witness my amplifier in action, you’re too early!”   

“Oh. No.” He wasn’t entirely sure if it was a good thing that his dad had begun to stay at the house more often since his marriage. On the one hand, it was nice to see him; on the other, the inventions he brought with him often threatened to explode their home.   

“Oh! Junior welcome back!” Dib scrunched his face as his looming, super villain of a stepmother seemed to appear out of nothing behind his dad. “We don’t usually see you twice in one week, is everything all right?”   

“Fine,  Moira .” Dib narrowed his eyes at her. “Just figured I would stay here tonight. I need to get some good studying in.”   

“That sounds like a perfectly reasonable  explanation .” His dad nodded confidently. “I have no further questions!”  

“Oh sweetie, did something happen between you and that cowboy?” Dib cringed at the affectionate nickname. He  wasn't  sure which was worse: ‘ Junior ’ or ‘ sweetie ’.    

“No darling,” Membrane interrupted before Dib could come up with an excuse to satisfy the Irishwoman. “You heard  him;  he’s  studying !”  

“Without his books?” Moira pressed.   

“Books!? HA! He doesn’t need books! He’s a Membrane!” His father’s confidence was doing wonders to cover for Dib’s  alibi . “Membranes only need scientific curiosity and a lab full of  expendable  employees in order to better hone their craft!”   

“ E-Expendable ?”  Foodio  piped up in the corner where he had been quietly trying to cook a healthy meal through the tremors and minor explosions still resonating from the basement lab. “ Sir, you do not believe  Foodio  to be expendable, do you ?”  

“Oh  Foodio .” Membrane chuckled. “ Of course  you are. Anyway!” Before the machine could process the response, the mad professor was on the next topic. “Dinner’s at seven! Come now darling, let’s not hold back my son from the joys of exploring science with his bare hands!” He wrapped an arm around his wife’s waist. She was looking at Dib, unconvinced but was quickly spun into her husband’s cybernetic embrace. “Also, the lab is still on fire! We should probably do something about that!”   

“Oh darling,” she sighed, hand to the Professor’s cheek, “I’ll get the fire extinguisher~” Dib tried his best not to gag as his father and stepmother vanished into the smoking mayhem below. Good to know he wouldn’t have to worry about either of them breathing down his neck. A part of him wondered if, since he had misjudged the Syndicate, perhaps he had misjudged his stepmom as well. Then he recalled that she and his father had been fairly open about her less-than-stellar criminal record and Dib was able to reaffirm his intense dislike for her.   

On his way up the stairs he started to walk by Gaz’s room. The door was closed and  the  lights were off, so he assumed she was out. But as soon as he reached his own room, her door flung open. “You’re back early.” She had her headphones around her neck, an empty can of Poop cola in her hand. “I take it that whole evil, alien roommate thing didn’t go well?”  

“He  was  an alien. Just so you know.”   

“Yeah? Was he evil?” She crossed her arms, squinting at him with a knowing expression as she leaned in the door-frame.  

“Well... no. Not exactly.” Dib sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. “Look, Gaz, I think I actually fucked things up with Clark. I tried to make them better... but he’s mad at me.” It could have just been Dib’s imagination, but he swore he saw his sister soften her gaze.   

“That’s new for you... you don’t usually care if someone hates you.” Once in a while, Dib and Gaz could break through their years of sibling rivalry and actually talk. It was rare, but it always seemed to happen just when Dib needed it most.   

“He said he wasn’t mad... just disappointed.”   

“Ouch. That’s worse.”   

“I know right!?” Dib sighed, running a hand through his hair. “I  dunno  Gaz... I guess it just bothered me because I feel like I actually hurt him. I know I’ve thrown people under the bus before- but I thought he was going to be using me, like  Tak  was- trying to get to  Zim , or get to dad...” It was hard to  put  into words why exactly he was feeling so shitty right now. “But he wasn’t... and I don’t know  why  but that makes it worse...?”  

“Probably because he actually liked you and saw you as a friend, but the moment you started to suspect  him;  you only saw him as a threat.” Gaz’s tone wasn’t accusatory, but the words still stung just a bit. “ So,  in a way, you were doing to him what others have been doing to you. That feeling you have right now? It’s guilt.”  

“Well it fucking sucks.”   

“Yeah but I guess now I have evidence that you are a human and not just a Gremlin that lives in the room down the hall.” Gaz walked over, nudging him with her shoulder. “Just relax for a bit- at least until dinner gets done. You can join me in my game, but if you slow me  down,  I will leave you to die without hesitation.”  

Dib smiled just a bit. “That sounds good. Let’s do it.”  

It was nice just to sit with Gaz, watching her yell at the screen as they took out  hordes  of zombies without hesitation. The whole adventure was cathartic. He really had made the right call by going back to see his family. Even the family dinner wasn’t all that bad. Dib needed this small ounce of normalcy to get him to the next day.  

Still, as he tried to close his eyes and go to  sleep, he  could still hear  Skoodge’s  warning echoing in his head. Q had mentioned a traitor as well- the idea had never completely left Dib’s mind. He tossed and turned with the concept until finally he was able to drift off into an uneasy sleep. He hadn’t realized he had drifted  off  at all until he heard a knock at his door.   

“Junior, dear, the police are at the door.” Dib jumped out of his bed, peeking out his window to see none other than Conner at his front door.   

“Be right out!” Dib called over his shoulder.  

That was... weird.  

What the hell did he want?   

Dib threw on some (hopefully) clean clothes before opening the door to look into the mismatched eyes of his stepmother. Moira leaned a little closer, lowering her voice. “Are you in trouble with the law? Say the word and I can help you sneak out of here.”   

“N... no I’m fine.” Well at least she was willing to help him escape from the cops; she must not be a completely  terrible  stepmother to have around. “He’s Clark’s brother.”  

“Oh, then should I let him in? Your dad has the lasers pointed on him in the back, I can tell him to stand down.” She pressed a button on her wrist. “We’re good, my love, Junior says the officer is a friend. You can head back to your lab.”  

Dib heard the distinct sound of the  house's  defenses disarming before his stepmother stepped aside. “Good to know you have my back, I guess.” Dib was mildly amused by his family’s willingness to fight. “Do you know what he wants?”  

“No, he didn’t say.” She turned to head back down the stairs. “Shall I let him in?”   

“Yeah, it’s fine. But if you hear me like... scream or anything have dad come in with the big guns.” It was better to be safe than sorry. The Syndicate were (apparently) peaceful but that didn’t mean Conner wasn’t going to hold a grudge.  

“We’ll be on high alert~” She  disappeared  down the winding stairs and shortly after Conner made his way up into the room. It was weird to see him (especially  without Clark ) as Dib and Conner’s interactions had always been minimal. But, Dib assumed, Clark was still too mad to even look at him, so Conner must have come alone.   

“Hey,” Dib sat in his desk chair as Conner walked in, shutting the door behind him. “So... how did you know where my parents lived?”  

“You’re not the only one who can be a creepy stalker when push comes to shove.” Conner didn’t come any closer, but he looked genuinely upset  about  something. “And speaking of your weird creepy obsession with my brother-”  

Dib cut him off. “We weren’t- and it’s not a creepy obsession! He really was an alien! You both are!” Conner gave him a look and Dib quieted down.   

“Look, something happened, something bad. After we took the gun to the Captain, we locked it in our secure, underground facility and it got stolen!” Conner was sounding a bit more frantic. Dib was surprised by how little time had passed before the spy had made their move. Skoodge really did see this coming a mile away. “And they think it was Clark!”   

“What? No way.” Dib had seen Clark try to hold a gun. He doubted his roommate had what it took to be some secret  thief .   

“Well... I mean...” Conner was clearly stressed, stumbling over his words, pacing around. “It’s not like they don’t have evidence.” He finally came closer to Dib. “The accusation wasn’t like pulled out of the Captain’s ass. She has security footage from the holding area.”   

“And you can show me the footage?” Dib leaned back in his chair as Conner pulled a small, disk looking item out of his pocket.   

He pressed a button and a hologram displayed the weapon in question on a  pedestal  surrounded by some sort of transparent, thick wall. In the video, the metallic wall  surrounding  the chamber was punched clean through as Clark walked up. He reared a hand back and shattered the  pedestal  as all around him lasers and guns began to fire. He caught the gun, dodging the fire around him with surprising agility before firing the weapon at the opposing wall. The metal melted away with ease and Clark ran out the other side.   

Dib looked up at Conner then back to the video. “That... is some pretty damning evidence, dude.” Conner glared at him.   

“They arrested Clark this morning but I know he’s innocent. He says he has no idea where the weapon is and I believe him. That isn’t my brother in the video.”   

“I mean, that’s possible. I’ve never seen Clark punch through a wall before...” Dib sat back, deep in thought.  

“Oh, he can actually do that. But it’s not him.” At least Conner sounded confident. Dib, on the other hand, was trying to figure out why, (if Clark could punch through a wall) had Clark insisted that Dib help him move the sofa last week.  Obviously,  he could have done the task himself.   

“You’re not helping your case.” Dib sighed.   

“Look, you were Clark’s friend before you betrayed his trust and tried to turn him over to the  Irkens . You have to know he’s not capable of high treason!” Dib had to admit, Conner’s words stung a little more than he would have liked. The Clark he had known certainly didn’t seem like the type to steal. He had once walked all the way back to the cafeteria because he had  absentmindedly   taken  a cup. He doubted Clark was capable of stealing a weapon.   

“No, you’re right. But why come to me? Aren’t you guys mad at me?”   

“Furious. But you’re the only one I can turn to. The Captain and the First Officer both think Clark did it. They have him in a cell right now. I figure it was those  Irken  assholes. They’re mad we got our weapon back and now they’re out for revenge.”  

“Wouldn’t that put you guys at war?” Dib had heard  Skoodge’s  nervousness about the fragile state of the Irken/Syndicate alliance.   

“I... I mean yes...” Conner looked annoyed. “And fucking Clark didn’t even tell the Captain about the  Irkens  because he agreed with the fat one about it looking suspicious. And now if I come to her talking  about   Irkens  without proof, I’m going to look desperate.”   

“Skoodge.” Dib corrected.   

“Huh?”   

“The fat one, his name is Skoodge.”   

“Oh yeah like the conqueror of Blort. I remember now.” Conner seemed a little calmer. Dib figured it was best to just let him think  Skoodge  was a common name and that the  Irken  in question was not the  actual  Invader.   

“I don’t think  Zim  and  Skoodge  took your weapon.” Dib wasn’t entirely sure, but he was willing to give  Zim  the benefit of the doubt. “When I was talking to Q, he mentioned a traitor on  your  ship from the very beginning. It was why he let you catch him. He knew it was going to crash.”   

“That’s right! You did meet Q!” Conner slapped his fist into his  palm  emphatically. “ Man,  you should have seen Clark begging the Captain to let him treat you. I thought for sure we were going to interrogate you for Q’s whereabouts once you were back on  your  feet but that breaks out ‘no meddling’ rule.” Great, now Dib felt even worse.   

“Q said that one of the members of your crew was in disguise.” Dib tried to get back on topic. “They  sabotaged  your ship and made it crash.”  

“Wait... what’s all this now? Traitor?” Somehow, in all his  commentary , it seemed Conner had missed the part about the spy. He had just heard Q’s name and sprouted off on a tangent. For a (supposedly) highly  intelligent  race, Conner and Clark both seemed to be lacking in the attention span department. Dib would assume it was part of the genetics, but from the sound of it, the Syndicate was a fairly  diverse  group and he had no idea if Clark and Conner were actually related. Their human disguises could not look any more different if they had  actively  tried.   

“When I confronted Q, he told me about the accident.” Dib explained. “He said that when he boarded your  ship,  he couldn’t hear the thoughts of someone. He said he knew the ship was going to crash from the very beginning. Whoever caused the crash obviously doesn’t want you guys to find the origin of the weapon;  so,  it makes the most sense to assume that was the thief.”  

“I thought our ship crashed due to an engine malfunction. We didn’t have a proper engineer on board since the ship was primarily automated. The Captain said it was most likely a freak accident.” Conner’s version of the story  made  it clear that Q had kept his intel to himself. Why he had chosen to explain this to Dib, he wasn’t sure, but Q seemed to be more than a little bit  unhinged . Perhaps it was best not to try to analyze him too deeply. “But if there was some kind of spy on board then your  Irken  friends might have had something to do with that!”   

“Probably not.” Dib shut down the theory fast. As great as it would be to have these guys get rid of  Skoodge , even Dib had to admit the odds of his involvement in the initial crash were unlikely. “ Zim  has been on Earth for nine years and  Skoodge  literally arrived like a week ago. The spy is probably one of your crew.”   

“It’s not Clark!” Conner immediately stuck up for his brother.   

“I mean, I don’t think it is either. I saw your brother trying to  handle  that gun earlier and honestly he looked like he was going to shoot the wall.”  

Conner laughed. “Yeah he sucks with weapons. He’s a doctor, not a soldier.”   

“He said he was a combat medic.” Dib recalled.   

“ Oh,  he made that up; that’s totally not a thing.”   

“ Skoodge  said that too.” Dib was mildly amused by this fact. “Look, I don’t think Clark is the spy and I don’t think it’s you either. You are way too  insistent  on helping your brother. If you were the spy you would probably be okay with him getting arrested instead of you. So that just leaves the other two people on your ship.”  

“The Captain and the First officer?” Conner looked a little hesitant. “They both have been acting normal as far as I can tell... and neither of them  would  hurt Clark! He’s the youngest member on the crew they all love him!”  

“Calm down, it’s just a theory.” Dib pinched the bridge of his nose trying to think. “Okay, I have an idea but you probably won’t like it.”   

“We burst into Q’s lair and drag him back to force him to reveal the traitor!” Conner had the spirit but seemed to be missing the point.   

“No. I do not want to deal with Q again unless I have lots of guns.” Dib shuddered at the  memory  of the split, abyss of a mouth trying to devour him as voices screamed, splitting his head in two. “I think we need to talk to  Skoodge  and Zim.”   

“The  Irkens !? No way! How do we know they didn’t disguise themselves as my brother and try to frame him for this crime!?” Conner had a point, it sounded like something  Skoodge  and  Zim  would do- but from what  Skoodge  said earlier it didn’t seem like that was the case.   

“I don’t think so.” Dib shook his head. “I mean, it’s  plausible , but  Skoodge  has been really insistent about not starting anything with the Syndicate. And honestly the disguise is a little too convincing for  it  to be  Zim .” He hated to admit it, but despite his childhood  conviction  that  Zim  was some evil mastermind- the  Irken  was not generally that subtle.   

“ I can vouch for the whereabouts of the Master and his companion during the night in question .” Dib’s phone interjected helpfully. Conner immediately whipped out the laser gun from before and pointed it to Dib’s coat pocket.   

“Robot spy!”   

“You’ve been quiet. I was starting to think  Zim  actually went through with your grounding.” Dib mused pulling the phone out of his pocket and waving Conner to stand down with his other hand. “Relax, this little spy is just  Zim’s  home security system. You met him at the apartment.”  

“The android that delivered the gun also lives in your phone?” Conner hesitantly lowered the weapon. “Were you going to tell me he was listening in?”   

“I wanted a  witness   in case  you were going to shoot me.”  His reasoning was sound, at least, to Dib it was. “Also, I wasn’t one hundred percent sure he was actually listening. He has a short attention span for an AI.”  

“ I do not have a short attention span. Most things are just below my intellect and therefor boring. ” CB retorted vaguely annoyed.  

“It’s an AI?” Conner looked impressed. “Well little spy, good to know you’re here now.”   

“ I was not spying. The term ‘spying’ indicates that I view you as a threat. I do not .”   

“Ouch.” Conner blinked. “Rude little thing, isn’t it?”   

“Yeah, he is.”   

“ It is honesty. You only consider it rudeness because you do not like the truth .”   

“Are you going to tell us where your Master was, CB? Or are you just going to insult us?” Dib’s tolerance for CB’s antics was gradually thinning. Though, he had become accustomed to having the AI around as a source of information to the point where he was considering just getting a new (CB free) phone for his personal, secret files and letting CB hang around as a bitter-but-useful digital assistant.   

“ The Master and  Skoodge  were in the base all night doing research on the initial crash two years prior. They did not leave. The baseless accusations from the Romulan are a result of its hot-headed nature and do not  reflect  reality .”   

“How did you know my species?” Conner narrowed his eyes. Dib quickly made a note to look up more about ‘Romulans’ the next time he had a break.   

“ I looked it up in the data the Master and  Skoodge  gathered on you and your brother during your brief confrontation. ”  

“You actually let this thing hang out with you? It feels kind of invasive.” Conner looked over at Dib. “You always gave me that ‘paranoid as fuck’ vibe.”   

“Oh I am.” Dib assured him. “I didn’t invite CB into my phone. He put himself in there and he’s useful so I haven’t bothered getting him out.”   

“Put himself in your phone...?” Conner went quiet for a moment. “You said his name is CB right?”   

“ I am right here you can talk to me directly. I am omnilingual. You could even speak Romulan to me. ”   

“Yeah, it stands for: Computer Base, according to Zim.”   

“Are you sure about that?”   

“That’s what he said.” Dib blinked. “Why?”   

“ Never mind , it isn’t important right now.” Conner waved the question off. “If the  Irkens didn’t do it then we have no choice but to confront Q.” Conner whipped the weapon back out again, pressing a few buttons on the side causing it to flash and whir.   

“I feel like we have a lot of options before we get there.” For a supposedly peaceful people, Conner sure was trigger happy. “Look, I know you don’t trust them, but maybe we can ask  Zim  and  Skoodge  about the footage. They are Invaders after all, if there is a  spy,  they might know more about how they managed to frame your brother.”   

“Yeah but I don’t really  wanna  talk to those guys. I mean it’s hard to play nice with someone after waving guns at them.”   

“ So  you would rather deal with Q?” Dib raised an eyebrow. Conner sighed.   

“Fair.” He slid his gun back in his pocket where it seemed to vanish completely. “Fine, let’s go talk to the Irkens. Maybe they can shed a little light on this whole spy situation.”  

Chapter Text

The arrival to  Skoodge’s  base was quick. Dib had agreed to drive due to the fact that he already knew the location of  Zim’s  base and he wasn’t sure he trusted Conner to not just drive them straight to Q’s to start some sort of fight. After seeing his battle-hungry eagerness, it had occurred to Dib that he really didn’t know all that much about Clark’s brother. It was weird to think they had been raised together with Clark being easy going and Conner seeming to always be ready to fight. Dib vaguely wondered what the rest of the crew was like.   

As  they  reached the house and walked up to the door, it was opened by none other than  Skoodge  who looked mildly annoyed by their presence. “Funny seeing you here.” He remarked dryly. He was wearing his human disguise, and was far more convincing as a human than the Robo-parents. Though Dib highly doubted the neighbors cared.  

“We need to talk to you.” Dib pushed passed  Skoodge  to the inside of the house, Conner following suit, his dark eyes visibly sizing the place up.   

“Yes please, come in. Our security system will electrocute me for having a conversation but  apparently  you just forcing your way in is completely fine.”   Skoodge  didn’t really put up much of a fight. “CB! Intruders? Are you going to do anything about this?”   

“ I helped them get here .” The house replied helpfully.   

The look of sheer disdain on  Skoodge’s  face spoke volumes as he looked at CB’s holographic representation of himself as it shimmered into view. “ Of course   you did. Why would a security system designed to  protect  an  Irken  stronghold want to keep people  out ?” The hologram tilted its head to the side quizzically.   

“ I am sensing that you do not approve of my choices .”   

“CB, are you aware  what  a security system is  supposed  to do? Because it is the exact opposite of what you are doing right now.” As  Skoodge  explained the AI’s original purpose to it, GIR wandered up, not even bothering with his unconvincing dog disguise.  Skoodge  glanced down at the SIR unit with a defeated expression. “I don’t suppose you are going to do anything about the intruders, are you?” GIR's blue eyes flashed to red.   

“ Yes, for the Master! ” He charged toward Conner who reached for his weapon but Dib stopped him as GIR’s eyes flickered back to blue and he began to hug the alien officer’s legs. “ You’re my new BEST FRIEND! ” he announced proudly.   

“ZIM!”  Skoodge  called over his shoulder. “Your security AI and SIR decided to allow that Syndicate Ranger from the Dab’s apartment into your base.” It wasn’t long before  Zim  emerged from the toilet-elevator, wearing a pair of oversized goggled but otherwise not bothering with even his most simple of disguises.   

“Who is this  Dab !?” He looked over at Dib and the  magnified  red eyes blinked behind the goggles. “Oh, you mean that Dib-human." He looked over Dib and Conner not looking so much surprised as just confused by their arrival. (Dib  was  starting to think  Skoodge  was getting his name wrong on purpose ).“ Now I would expect GIR to let anyone walk in but CB...” He started to try to defend the security AI but trailed off, defeated. “No... I expect it from CB too.”  Zim  let out a sigh looking at  the  SIR and the security hologram each in turn. “You are both just... absolutely awful at your jobs. I hope you realize this.”   

GIR released Conner’s legs only to, instead, throw himself at  Zim ,  hugging  into him affectionately. “ Awwww  I love you too Master !”   

“No GIR.”  Zim  attempted to push him away but the SIR had a good deal of strength to it and  Zim   eventually  gave up and allowed GIR to hang off.   

“ I am helping- just in a more abstract way .” CB protested.  

“Doing the exact opposite of what you were made to do isn’t helping in an ‘abstract way’ it’s just not helping.”  Skoodge  retorted quickly.   

“He raises a good point,  Skoodge .”  Zim  looked a tad contemplative.   

“ No  he doesn’t.  Zim  don’t humor him.”  Skoodge  turned back to the non- Irkens  that had waltzed into the supposedly secure base. “What exactly do you two want now?”  

“You  Irkens  pretended to be my brother and stole back the weapon you gave us!” Conner immediately jumped into accusations before Dib could even speak. Dib sighed putting his face in his hand.  Skoodge  and  Zim  just looked at  each other  in confusion before both of them burst out laughing.  Skoodge  had finally decided to drop the disguise, making him short enough for  Zim  to lean on him as the two laughed rather hard.   

“No. None of that happened. All of what you just said is so wrong that I don’t even know where to start.”  Skoodge  wiped his eye.   

“If I was going to steal the gun back, I would do it as myself!”  Zim  added. (Dib had to admit that checked out). “ Zim  is proud of his work!”   

“Your brother is Clark, right? The other guy from the apartment-the roommate?”  Skoodge  had lightened up considerably, despite being interrogated by an angry (but now confused) Conner. “You said he’s your brother? Isn’t that part of a family unit? You two aren’t even the same species.”   

“We were both adopted.” Conner looked a little frustrated. “But he’s still family and I don’t want you  Irkens  framing him for treason!”  

“First of all, that’s rude to accuse us of that.”  Skoodge  replied a tad indignantly.   

“Not that we wouldn’t do it- and do it well-”  Zim  cut off as  Skoodge  nudged him. He blinked at his fellow (more experienced) Invader before quickly adding “but that would put us at war and you aren’t worth the resources the Empire would put into fighting you.”   

“Secondly,”  Skoodge   continued  seamlessly as if  Zim  had never  interrupted, “if we were going to frame one of you for stealing that weapon it wouldn’t have been Clark. He is like the worst choice, even just between the two of you."  

“Clark’s a great choice! He’s strong enough to punch through solid walls, and he’s the fastest one in our group!” Conner protested.  

“You’re supposed to be defending Clark; not  helping  form the case against him.” Dib quickly reminded Conner of his actual purpose.   

“Yeah but...”  Skoodge  trailed off looking thoughtful. “You... you don’t know much about what Clark is... do you?”   

“W-well no.” Conner hesitated. “I mean... no one does.  My moms  found him as a baby. We couldn’t find any information about him or his home planet. But I don’t care what he is- it's  who  he is that matters and that’s my brother- and definitely NOT a thief.”   

“That actually answers a great deal  of  questions.”  Skoodge  looked to be deep in thought.   

“That explains why you are wasting him as a doctor.”  Zim  smirked. “If he were in the  Irken  military he would be in the front lines, fighting for our people!”   

“He’s a doctor because that is what he wanted to be and the Syndicate believes in an individual’s right to follow a career that makes them happy.” Conner narrowed his eyes,   

“And that dumb outlook is another reason why the Syndicate is inferior to the Empire.” It seemed to  Zim  that he had won the argument. (Though it was hard to  take  him seriously as GIR was still clinging to his side).   

“Look, proving that Clark is innocent is easy.”  Skoodge  quickly pulled the conversation back on track, ignoring  Zim’s  little outburst. “It is also pointless if your Captain is the traitor. All that will happen is a new excuse will be used to keep him in lockdown. Or blame will shift to someone else. If we want to prove what is really happening, then what we need is to be able to pinpoint the actual threat beyond a shadow of a doubt.”  

“Can’t you just scan them like you did Clark and Conner?” Dib asked. It seemed like an easy enough plan, but  Skoodge  rubbed the back of his neck uncertainly.   

“Our scanners can be fooled. It’s hard- mind you- but it can happen.”   

“Ch, not like any Syndicate idiot would be brilliant enough to fool  Irken  tech.”  Zim  scoffed at the very concept. “But I suppose if it was a member of the Syndicate it wouldn’t be much of a traitor... or a disguise...”   

“ IT WAS ME! ” The SIR interjected helpfully. “ I WAS THE PIZZA ALL ALONG !”   

“Q knows who it is, doesn’t he?”  Skoodge  ignored GIR but Conner was still staring in complete bewilderment at the insane mechanical assistant.   

“Is he okay?” Conner looked genuinely concerned.   

“He’s never okay.”  Zim’s  response was just... tired.   

“ And that’s why we  aaaaaaaalll  can go get monkeys and be the best parents we can be. ” GIR nuzzled himself to  Zim’s  face, despite the  Irken’s  attempts to pry him off. “ Isn’t that right Master !?”  GIR poked his tongue out.  Zim  heaved a heavy sigh.   

“Please get off me.” GIR responded by bursting into a fit of high-pitched giggles, pulling himself more tightly to  Zim ..   

“ No. ”   

“CB, take care of GIR, please.”  Skoodge  waved to the hologram.   

“ Take care of him as in: remove him from the area? Or take care of him as in: ” CB made a motion as if cocking a gun.   

“Just take him  upstairs  CB. And no more  mafia  movies for you.” It was a little funny how much  Skoodge  was starting to adjust to the chaos of living in  Zim’s  lair.   

“ But I enjoy them .”   

“Not now CB,”  Zim  finally contributed to the conversation. “You’re grounded anyway.” A mechanical arm descended from the ceiling, peeling GIR off of  Zim’s  face and began to draw him, with an indignant huff.  

“I am going to watch them anyway. ” CB pulled the little SIR up into the overhead metal panels as it began flailing around excitedly.  

“ WEEEEEEE BREAKIN' THE RULES!!!!!!! ” And with that he was gone.   

“A... are they supposed to be like that?” Conner looked up to the ceiling where GIR’s happy  squeals  could still be heard echoing in the tiles as CB tried to calm him down.   

“No.”  Skoodge  cut him off quickly.  “Now, I think our best course of action is to talk with Q.” Dib had been trying his very best to avoid that response. He knew Conner was ready to throw down with the Parasite at a moment’s notice; and honestly,  Zim  would probably be happy to fight. But  Skoodge  had consistently been the voice of reason. Dib still had concerns.  

“But he’s terrible. And, I highly doubt he’s trustworthy.”   

“Not really. But his biological makeup allows for him to pinpoint anything pretending to be something  it's  not. He found the traitor before it would be simple for him to do it again. Parasites are awful, but they can be easily bought for the right price.”   

“We could also threaten him with our superior  Irken  tech!” Zim’s attempts at being helpful were only a step above GIR’s.   

“We want him to tell the truth; let’s not threaten him.”  Skoodge  put a hand on  Zim’s  arm to calm him. “He’s an absolute asshole, but he’s not unreasonable, we could offer him something."  Zim  made an expression of  distaste .   

“Do you really think Q is necessary?” Dib still had nightmares of that slowly deteriorating humanoid form chasing him through the shelf-lined apartment. It wasn’t like he was afraid of Q or anything (at least, that is what Dib told himself) but Dib had been the one gazing up into that tooth lined void of a mouth- not Skoodge.   

“The telepathic abilities of the Parasites would make them ideal for seeking out the traitor.”  Skoodge  replied as-a-matter-of-factly.   

“It’s not ideal for us either.”  Zim  added, looking far from thrilled with the scenario. “But  Irkens  must sometimes forge treaties with the scum of the planet in order to further the Empires cause. You know, like the Syndicate, or you- no offense.” Conner and Dib exchanged looks.   

“How is that not offensive?!” Conner protested angrily, but Dib patted his back, shaking his head- having been through this  exchange  with the  Irkens  before.   

“Don’t bother. They think if they say ‘no offense’ that means it’s okay to say.”   

“Oh,” Conner blinked. “ So  they’re stupid-.”   

“HEY!”  Zim  cut him off looking ready to fight.   

“ No offense .” Conner finished.  

“Well played.”  Zim  narrowed his eyes through his goggles. Dib had to give Conner credit, that had proved their point.   

“How do you know Q will agree to any of this?” Dib still had a great deal of concerns about the abomination in the  inner-city  apartment complex acting as their informant. “He wasn’t exactly your biggest fan last we saw him.”  

“That’s because we extorted him for his weapons. But I’m sure he’s over it by now. That’s pretty mild for an  Irken -Parasite interaction.”  Skoodge  dismissed Dib’s concerns with frustrating ease. “Plus, I’m sure if the Syndicate agrees to let him be in return for his help, he’ll be glad to lend an appendage.” Conner blinked as all eyes were on him.   

“I-I don’t have that kind of pull.”  

“If we find a traitor, I’m sure the  highest-ranking  officer on your ship will be happy to  oblige . And we  Irkens  will look better for taking time out of our ‘vacation’ to aid in a Syndicate plight.”  Skoodge  called it a vacation- and maybe for him it was. But Dib was positive this was banishment for  Zim  (though Conner didn’t seem to know that).   

“How  generous  of you.” Conner glared at the Invaders with disdain.   

“Like you would selflessly help us if we were in a similar plight.”   

“Fair.” Conner ran a hand through his hair. It was clear he was getting increasingly frustrated with the antics of the  Irkens  and Dib figured it was only a matter of time  before  he got trigger happy again. “You know where the Parasite is located, so why not take me to him?”   

“We can take the human’s transport. He found the Parasite  before;  it  shouldn't be hard for him to locate it again. Right Dub?” Dib  wasn't  sure how much he liked being volunteered for driving by a creature that couldn’t even  remember  his name.  But  he swallowed the urge to see how far he could punt  Skoodge  and simply grabbed his keys.   

“If we are going to let Dib drive, I want the front seat.”  Zim  pushed passed Dib making his way to the car.   

“Woah no way! I want the front seat!” Conner was not going to be ousted so easily. Dib just let out a long sigh, wondering if it worth the knowledge of worlds beyond his own if it meant having to deal with aliens fighting over his car.   

“No one gets the front seat. You can all sit in the back!” Dib replied decisively. But that didn’t do much as he saw  Zim  was already sitting in the front seat. Defeated, he hopped in the driver’s side, as Conner and  Skoodge  got in the back. “CB, plug in coordinates for Q.”  

“ Shhhh  they do not know I am in here .” Dib’s car protested in a very loud and obvious whisper.  Skoodge  looked over at  Zim  who simply looked back at him and shrugged.  

“CB you can stop being a car later but for now take us to Q. But you are still grounded.”  Zim  replied decisively, though Dib had the sneaking suspicion CB would just stay in his car  regardless  of what  Zim  had to say.   

It wasn’t an  unpleasant  drive, exactly, but it wasn’t like Dib was looking forward to what awaited them at the end of the journey.  Sure  enough as they pulled into the bitter, dreary little apartment complex in the middle of the city- Dib felt his heart begin to  pound  in his chest. He pulled into a parking space, watching as a young couple exited the building with the same, vacant expression as the man he and CB had seen before. Even their skin looked more ashen, eyes sunken and posture slouched and defeated as  they  walked together past the car staring straight ahead. Dib watched them walk straight into a nearby wall,  continuing to move like poorly programmed NPCs from one of Gaz’s games. Eventually they seemed to find their way around the wall but they never smiled, never looked at one another, never spoke, never even blinked.   

“Huh...”  Skoodge  watched the couple saunter off as he headed toward the complex. “At least he should be well fed, that should make things easier.” Dib looked around at his companions and only Conner seemed disturbed by what had just transpired. He saw Conner draw his  weapon  again, clicking a switched that caused it to buzz to life.   

“I can’t believe you dragged me back here...” They creeped down the stairs into the basement  apartments , locating Q’s with ease. Dib reached up to knock, but just as before the door swung open without his touch.   

“ Well, this is certainly unexpected .” Dib’s mouth tasted of bile as he heard that calm too-perfect-to-be human voice worm its way into his skull. “ If your  Irken  friends are here for another shakedown, I am sorry to say I have collected nothing new .” There was a sigh from inside his mind. “ Now is that really necessary ?” Dib looked over to  see Conner , with his gun pointed up. Following his gaze, Dib saw Q. The  Parasite  was sitting in the ceiling, hanging from the tentacle-like appendages he had disguised as his scarf. While he seemed to know the gun was pointed at him, Q wasn’t really looking at them. Rather, all seven eyes were focused on a book in his hand.   

“Q, we  wanna  talk.” Conner did not lower the gun.  

“ No one is stopping you .” Q’s retort was annoyed at best.  “How have you been, Diego? I thought for  sure  I’d see you again after I injected that little toxin in you, but I’m guessing your roommate took care of that for you ?” finally Q looked up and Dib immediately wished he hadn’t as those  beady  eyes focused on him, making his  stomach  churn. “ What a good friend you have. Too bad you didn’t think the same way about him. If only you had listened to the warnings all around. Then perhaps you would not be in this situation .” Q did a little spin in the air as Conner fired at him. The creature floated in the air for a moment before landing gracefully in front of the group. “ Rude .”   

“Okay let’s calm down.”  Skoodge  took a stance in front of Q, his PAK legs out,  elevating  him to help him look intimidating.   

“ He tried to shoot me. ”  

“You were talking shit about my brother.” Conner only lowered the gun when  Zim  used both his hands to forced it down.   

“ Technically I was talking shit about your companion there. ” A delicate, gloved finger pointed to Dib. Conner looked back and forth between the two.   

“Oh that’s fine then, carry on.”  

“HEY!”  

“What? I’m still mad at you.”  

“Enough insulting of the Dib!”  Zim  interjected. “I cannot hear half of the insults and if Dib is getting  insulted,  I want to laugh.”  

“You’re an ass, Zim.”   

“You have to be nice because we are helping.”   

“ He’s right you know. ”   

“Shut up!”   

“Q,” surprisingly,  Skoodge  managed to calm the room and get everyone back on track. “The ship doctor, was he the traitor?”  

“ I feel like you all know the answer to that already .” Q cocked his head to one side. “ But why would I share my information with you, anyway? You’ve destroyed my place, threatened me, and shot me within the past week. ”  

“...” Conner took a deep breath. “We will erase your current criminal record with the Galactic Syndicate in return for your cooperation.”   

“ Okay... ” The  mouthful  of teeth began to rip into a wide smile. “ You have my interest. ” He relaxed back in the air,  crossing  his legs as if upon a throne.   

“He agreed to help.” Dib relayed to the  Irkens , unsure if Conner knew they couldn’t hear Q.  Skoodge  nodded, expression serious. “Is the ship Doctor the traitor you sensed.” Dib repeated the question, unsure of what answer he wanted. He didn’t think Clark was the traitor- but if he was- then that crushed expression on his face wouldn’t hurt Dib so much every time he remembered it. Dib would have been completely validated in his actions.   

“ No .” Q’s reply had a sneering tone to it. “ The traitor was not the doctor. I can hear his thoughts just fine. But I suppose  that  is subject to change.  Really,  I can only confirm that at the time of the crash, the Doctor was not the traitor. But if the traitor can change shape- as many races can- then there is no telling who it is now .”  

“He says that the traitor  could   be  different now. But... at the time of the accident, it  wasn't  my brother.”   

“I can pretty much assure you it still isn’t your brother.”  Skoodge  patted Conner on the hand still holding the gun. “But, if Q is offering, I’m sure we can bring him along when we make our case. That way, we know how many people are being controlled, and who they are.”   

“ I am not sure I was really  offering . ” The seven eyes narrowed.   

“He says he will be thrilled to accompany us!” Dib clapped his hands together loudly. “He loves the idea.  Can't  be more excited.”   

“ You son of a- ”  

“ Excellent !”  Skoodge  must have known Dib was lying but it was far easier to assume he was telling the truth. “Then you should probably think about taking a less... attention grabbing form.”  Skoodge  looked the Parasite up and down, from its humanoid figure to its completely alien  facial  structure. Dib knew the people within whom Q had gotten his toxic tendrils would probably not notice his complete mockery of the human form but he hoped most of the people in the city would find him to be out of place. Q looked a tad annoyed. “You can shapeshift. I’ve seen your kind do it before.”   

“ This is true. ” The human form began to crumble and crack- Dib could hear every sound as the  skeleton  underneath rearranged, shrinking and warping until Q had turned himself into a cat. At least... Dib assumed it was supposed to be a cat.  Again,  it looked feline, but as seven eyes stared up at Dib and four red-tipped tails swished, he took a step back. On its back looked like a cut or scar of some kind, with spiderlike, jagged edges slicing through the otherwise perfectly white fur. It occurred to Dib, that he had never really seen Q from the back before now.   

“Have you ever seen a cat? Because it’s not that.” Dib didn’t want to get any closer. This looked like a monstrosity that crawled out of one of his nightmares. The four tails twitched and seemed to try to combine themselves only to tear apart once again.   

“ Let me try again. ” The tails joined back into one as the eyes shifted, the two eyes now correctly centered on the face had somehow been flipped vertically as the other eyes traveled down the midsection, onto the legs. Every so often one would blink at him and the single red tipped tail would split back into four again.