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Derek was just done with his shift at the diner, tightening the jacket around himself because he was still not used to being able to feel the crispy coldness of the later hours of the night, although it's been a year since he almost died in Mexico. He pressed a button on his phone to start playing the recordings he had from his lectures of the previous week, and started walking home. By the time he got on the bus, his phone started vibrating with an incoming call, interrupting his lecture. It was Stiles. He inhaled, thinking of their last phone call, which was only the previous week for a regular check in, but that phone call should have bought them at least one more week. This was too soon for it to be anything good.
" Stiles," Derek put his notebook aside, holding the headphones closer to his ears, like that would somehow diminish the distance between him and Stiles.
" Derek, I know it's not time for our check-in yet, but, uh, I need to ask you something." Stiles' voice sounded forced, like he was doing his best to make it sound composed, to mute the slight choking sounds, the harsh breaths.
" Sure, what is it?"
" Do you – did you hear from my dad by any chance?"
" Your.. dad?"
" Yeah. We're kind of calling everyone, just in case – "
" In case of what, Stiles? What's going on?" He heard a distancing sigh on the other end, like Stiles had to put the phone away and breathe through whatever was coming next.
" My dad disappeared, Derek. We don't – no one has any information yet, he was supposed to be home this morning after his shift and he never showed. His car is gone too. We're at the station and we're trying to figure out where to go from here, where the hell we can start with this." And really, what was there to be said to someone losing all they were left with? Running out of the time they were promised that they would have?
" Fuck, Stiles, are you.. okay? Is there anything I can do?"
" Nothing, I mean, if you can maybe ask around the packs in the surrounding areas, if anyone has heard anything, or – I don't know. I don't know what to do."
" Hey, you've saved him once before, you'll do it again."
" That's not exactly a time I look back upon with fondness, since I let an ancient evil spirit take me over and it ended up hurting everyone I gave a fuck about. I got Allison and Aiden killed, stabbed Scott, almost – "
" Okay, okay, you're right. Bad reference point. But if anyone can do this, it's you."
" Yeah, thanks. Sorry to throw this at you like that, I know you're on a need-to-know basis." There was a bite to Stiles' voice, something like accusation or disappointment layering his tone, but it was gone before Derek could truly dwell on it, like Stiles didn't have it in him to commit to much of anything, at least not when it came to Derek.
" This is important, Stiles. It's you and your dad. Of course I would want to know. And I'll reach out to a few people, see if anyone knows anything. I'll tell Cora to do the same, her Alpha status can help get werewolves co-operating."
" Let me know if anything comes up please. I – they're calling me back in, so – "
" We're going to get him back, Stiles." Stiles paused, like he was trying to find something in Derek's promise to believe.
" Yeah. I'll talk to you later." Derek put the phone back in his pocket, leaving the bus with a rushed goodbye to Wilson – the regular bus driver that worked the night hours, that Derek had been riding with for months now –, and speed-walking the rest of the way to his apartment. As soon as he was inside, he took off his jacket, dropped his few belongings and called Cora.
" Well, well, well – "
" Cora, Stiles' dad is in trouble."
" Wait, what do you mean?"
" He disappeared, they don't know where he is or how to find him."
" Okay? I don't know what we can do to help, but – "
" Are you kidding me, Cora? This is the sheriff, Stiles' dad, he's been there for us, day in and day out and never complained. He saved both of our lives, several times, what do you mean – "
" Calm down. I am not saying we're not going to do anything at all, I am just being practical here. We are not in Beacon Hills anymore. And there's only so much that we can do with all of.. this between us." Derek couldn't bring himself to consider all the things that were layered in Cora's very broad statement. He just didn't want to not do anything. He didn't want Stiles to have to do any more of this by himself.
" Maybe we should go back and help."
" Derek," Cora groaned, inhaling twice before carrying on, " You and I both know we can't do that. Not right now, not like this. We left for a reason, and so far, nothing has changed to make that reason any less valid. You have a life here now, you have a job and your studies and new friends, and I have my life too, and we've been doing so well without – without Beacon Hills and all that came with it." Derek's eyebrows furrowed in slight offense, hating how Cora put Stiles in the same bracket as everything else that drove them away, everything they would always do their damnest to outrun.
" It wasn't all bad, was it? I mean – "
" I am not doing this with you right now. We can help them without having to give our lives up. I will make some calls, see if it's a supernatural thing or not. You can go through mom's old notebooks, search for any contacts that we may not know about. I'll let you know as soon as I find anything, okay?" Derek sighed, reluctant and frustrated and more scared than he thought he'd ever have to be again.
" Yeah, okay. I'll keep you posted too."
Derek let his recorded lectures play through the speakers, if only to ground himself to the current life he led, that had so much more than just hunters and werewolves and so many layers of grief that he never managed to peel away, to chip at, because there was just so much of it. He rummaged through his mother's notes, calling anything resembling a phone number, and demanding information concerning all things Beacon Hills. It didn't seem like it was werewolves related, at least as far as he could tell. Cora called back with information to match his; alphas of closeby packs had no problem with the sheriff, and haven't heard of anyone who did. So now, it was up to Derek to call Stiles and tell him that no one knew where his dad was, that he couldn't do anything to help, couldn't physically be there because – well, because he kind of loved the feeling of building something without the constant fear of someone coming to burn it down to the ground again, he loved who he was when he wasn't Derek, who'd lost everything or threw it away before he could, because he'd promised himself that if – or when – he decided to go back to Beacon Hills, he would go back so much better, so much more than what had been dragged out of there, closer to death than life. Derek's call was sent to voicemail three times, before Stiles finally picked up.
" Stiles, I wanted to give you the updates like I'd promised, is everything okay? You've been declining my calls. "
" It's not a werewolf thing."
" No, it doesn't seem like it. How did you figure it out though?"
" We found his vehicle. Scott couldn't smell anything supernatural on it. There's – blood. A lot of blood, but there is no sign of him. I don't – I can't – I can't." Derek closed his eyes, trying not to find Stiles in the darkness behind them, trying not to visualize the devastation he could hear in his voice, the paralyzing fear of having to lose again.
" What about Chris? Maybe it's a hunters-thing."
" It's not. He contacted his people and – no one has it out for him. He's been doing everything right, he has been staying out of any unnecessary trouble, he's been eating healthy, taking care of himself, I made sure of it. I made sure he was doing okay and now – I am losing him, Derek. I am still fucking losing him and – " Stiles breathed in but it never came out, not as an exhale, not as a breath of air. It sounded like a distant cry, like the undoing of a person, like loss. Derek's heart cracked a little, his chin falling to his chest. He was failing Stiles miserably.
" You're not. Don't fall down that rabbit hole, Stiles. He's still out there, all you have to do is find him, which you will. Everything is going to be alright." Stiles cried some more, and every time Derek thought it would stop, it would slow and allow him the air to breathe, it didn't, and something worse than a cry would rake through Stiles, breaking him apart and breaking Derek down with him.
" Stiles, what can I do? What should I do? I want to help, I just don't know how. Do you – should I come back? Do you need me to?"
" Don't ask me things you know the answers to. I'm always going to need you here. I never stopped needing you, just because you stopped believing it." There was no judgment behind Stiles' tone, and the lack of blame wasn't as reassuring as Derek had assumed it would be. It didn't ease his guilt away. It made him feel like maybe Stiles didn't care enough to hold it against him anymore.
" I know I've been selfish, Stiles. I mean, I still am being selfish, but if I hadn't gone out when I did, I'm afraid Beacon Hills would have killed me. For real this time. And life isn't supposed to be running away from bad guys and trying to keep people you love from dying. I couldn't keep doing it like that anymore. That doesn't mean that I don't miss the good parts, now that I am not suffocated by all that bad. It doesn't mean that I don't want to be there for you, or that I wish there was more for me to do, because I do. If I could take all of this away, do it for you, I would, but I can't and I'm sorry. I really am sorry, Stiles."
" I know you are. I am too."
" You've got nothing to be sorry for." Stiles paused, like he was carrying something that Derek didn't know about.
" Anyway, I have to get back, figure out where to go from here. Thanks, Derek. For trying to help. I know you did your best."
" I – you can call me if there's anything else you need from me. And I'm going to call you tomorrow, see if maybe you have any updates. If you'd be okay with that, of course." Stiles breathed like he was smiling. Derek could almost see it.
" I can hardly wait."
Derek called Stiles on his way home from college the next day, but there were no updates, and Stiles sounded as panicked as he was the day before. Another day and they'd found out that the blood in the sheriff's car wasn't all his, most of it belonged to a man he'd helped lock up two years before. Three days since the sheriff's disappearance and Stiles was the one texting Derek updates without being asked for them, for his sake or for Derek's, he wasn't quite sure. He just wanted to involve him, keep him connected somehow like that would make it harder for him to detach this time. That night, Derek fell asleep right as Stiles' text came in, that they thought they found his dad's location, and were preparing the team that would breach and get him. When he woke up, six hours later, he called Stiles as soon as he peeled his eyes opened, sitting up so fast, he was slightly breathless.
" Stiles, did you find him? Is he okay? Oh my God, are you okay?" Stiles' breathing sounded shaky, like things were going so terribly wrong and he was getting drowned.
" We found him. It's – it's bad, Derek. We took too fucking long to get to him and – he's in surgery now and we don't know what's going to happen. I don't know what I am going to do if he doesn't make it, if – " Derek hated thinking of Stiles losing again. He hated thinking of Stiles losing when he was so far away, unable to be there, to help make it not feel like the end of the world, like it would end him.
" Your dad is strong, Stiles, and I know he will do everything he possibly can to pull through for you. How long has it been since he went into surgery? How did you even find him?"
" This guy was working in a car wash before dad caught him for selling drugs. That car wash went out of business a few months ago, which is why it took us this long to trace it back to him. But once we did, we sent two officers to check the place out, and there was a broken window, with the glass shreds laying around, which indicated that it was recently broken into. There was a cigarette outside that window that wasn't properly put out, so the officers called it in since they were suspicious, and we all headed over there, with Scott and Parrish and we found him, but that asshole who took him had company that we didn't know about, so one of the officers got shot in the leg, and Parrish got shot too but they had normal bullets so he was good. Dad though – " Stiles inhaled so weakly, so uncertainly, it sounded like his lungs weren't quite willing to hold it in, or to let it back out.
" Don't cry. Please don't cry. I can't handle listening to you cry when there's nothing I can do to help."
" They beat him up so bad, Derek. He was – he was unconscious all the way to the hospital, he doesn't even know that we got him out. He doesn't know I was with him. He had a gunshot wound in his abdomen, that they just put a bandage over to keep him from bleeding out too fast. The doctors mentioned head trauma, possibly a bad concussion but they'll know more when he wakes up. If – if he wakes up. He crashed once in the ER, but they got him back. I just – it's a lot. It's too fucking much for him and I – I just really need him to be okay. I can't lose another parent, Derek. I can't lose him."
" You can't think like that. Just – sit down, breathe, take it one thing at a time. You were worried you weren't going to find him and you did. Now you're worried he isn't going to be okay, but you did your part, Stiles. You did all you possibly could, now it's his part. Have a little faith in him, he is going to be just fine." Derek heard shuffling, like Stiles was actually listening to him, was sitting down, trying to breathe, to find something rational and grounding in all of this chaos.
" It isn't that easy. I – he's all I've got, Derek."
" I know. I – I get it." Derek's mind went back to his house burning down from beneath his family's feet, and all the things he wished he could have done for them, all the things he would give up, to have them back for one more day, to not have those screams be the last thing he'd be left with, to not have them go the way they did.
" Fucking hell, Derek, I am sorry. I shouldn't have – this is so inconsiderate, I am – "
" Don't apologize. That's not important right now. You're worried about your dad, that shouldn't offend me. I want him to pull through too. God. I really hope he does, Stiles."
" Yeah. Me too." It went quiet, with Derek following the sounds of Stiles' breathing, as it fell into something resembling a pattern.
" It's kind of crazy, that this is the thing that starts an actual conversation between us. I mean, this is the first time we've actually talked since Mexico."
" I know. But as.. tragic as this is, I am sort of glad you called that first time, that you talked to me about it. I was starting to feel like maybe I didn't belong anymore, like, you were without me for so long, you stopped – "
" Wanting you around? Yeah, no, that hasn't happened. I doubt it ever will. It's just.. timing. It has never really been on our side, huh?"
" No, I guess it hasn't. But I need you to know that it has always the plan that I would come back to Beacon Hills." Stiles exhaled, like Derek was saying everything right.
" Yeah?"
" Yes, Stiles. I wasn't supposed to be gone for good, I just – couldn't stay there any longer, couldn't come back now because I – I am just not ready. It still terrifies the living hell out of me, just thinking about having to come back, having to exist in this place and rebuild a life where there was so much death, it's just – I am not where I need to be yet. I need more time before I can come back and not feel like I kind of want to die. I need you to be patient with me, Stiles, can you do that? Does any of this make any sense to you?" Derek was trying to tell him that whenever he came back, it would be for him. He was trying to tell him he was probably in love with him, without having to actually say it.
" It does. And yes, I can."
" Really?"
" Hey, if you plan on coming back at some point, that's all I need to know. You can take all the time you need, I am not going anywhere. And if that ever changes, you can let me know, and I will stop expecting it to happen."
" It won't. It was always going to be you and me, that's all I know. The how's and the when's I don't have right now, but that part, I am sure of."
" Good enough for me. Now, can you tell me all about your new life to distract me from the possibility of something awful happening to my dad and me never getting the chance to say goodbye?"
And Derek didn't need to be asked twice, as he delved into the past year of his life, sparing no details, like he'd been desperately waiting for Stiles to find a way to tangle his way into Derek's new life, to take the little life he managed to create for himself and revolve it around Stiles too. Because it'd always started with Stiles, and he knew it ended with him too, Derek just needed to make sure everything in between didn't happen without him being part of it.
They talked for four whole hours, before Stiles was being informed of how his dad's surgery went, which was better than they'd anticipated. Stiles told Derek he'd call him back later, and he did, as he watched his father sleep the rest of the anesthesia off. Two more hours of aimless conversation and the sheriff was slowly regaining consciousness. This time, it took Stiles a full day before he was texting Derek back. Derek talked to the sheriff the next day, telling him how glad he was that he was okay, how relieved he was that Stiles got him back. The sheriff made him promise a deeper conversation once the sheriff was well enough to have it.
It took the sheriff a week before he was allowed to go home with strict orders to rest even when it came to basic tasks, like showering or cooking, which meant that Stiles was busy doing it all for him. So busy, his calls with Derek became less frequent, much more rushed when they came. Soon, they were barely talking outside of their occasional check-ins to be updated on things concerning the pack, and Derek started falling back into a routine that wasn't based around Stiles, and Stiles started looking for places where he could fit, less and less. Until Derek woke up one night from a nightmare and called Stiles without checking for the time, with a hand against his chest to keep his heart from breaking through, from hurting like it was breaking apart.
" Derek? Is everything okay?"
" No. I don't know. I – I needed to hear your voice. I'm sorry for waking you."
" Don't worry about that, are you sure you're okay? Did something happen?"
" Not really. Just – a bad dream. A really bad dream. Thank fuck you're okay."
" Do you want to talk about it?"
" I want to hear you talk. About anything. I've missed you."
" I've missed you too. Do you want to face-time? Maybe that will help calm your nerves a little."
" Yes, please."
And so they did, and as soon as Derek saw Stiles' face, he had to look away, to keep from crying out for him. He missed him so much, it hurt. Everything hurt so much, he couldn't remember why he ever thought that he could survive this leaving thing.
" You have your exams coming up, right?"
" Yeah. In two weeks. I was thinking maybe I can.. come back for the holidays."
" Wait, what? Seriously?"
" Yeah. I think I need to."
" Are you sure you're ready though?"
" No, I'm not. I don’t know if I'm ready, but I – I can't be without you anymore. I keep having those nightmares, every time it's something different, a different way for me to lose you, for you to not be part of my life anymore, and I – I am tired of being so scared of losing you and equally as scared of being with you. I can't close my eyes and see myself losing you again, knowing that I haven't done anything to keep it from happening. I don't want to lose you, Stiles. I can't – there is only so much I can bear, but this isn't – it's not something I can live with. You're not something I can live without. And I'm sorry it took me this long to get over all the other shit. I'm sorry it took me so fucking long to say it, to allow myself to feel the magnitude of it all and to – to be more scared of losing you than losing anymore of myself if I come back to Beacon Hills. I want to be with you and I want it to be enough to chase the fear of everything else away. I – I want you, Stiles. I want you more than I want anything else. I want you despite me wanting other things from life. I want you more." Derek wiped his face across his sleeve, clinging to his fading composure because he had to say it and Stiles had to hear it and believe it and make it matter, make it count for something.
" I want you too. And I can't wait to see you, to hold you again and have it matter more than anything else in the world. I am going to love the living hell out of you, Derek." Derek laughed, something releasing inside of him, unclenching, uncoiling.
" Lay down, it's late over there and you need your rest. I'm not going anywhere." Stiles promised and Derek believed. In Stiles, in all the things he could have with him – because of him.
Derek called Cora to inform her of his decision the next day, and it was like she'd been waiting for him to say it, like she saw it coming and had come to terms with it before Derek even had. A month later, Derek was driving back to Beacon Hills, feeling somewhere between anxious and ecstatic. He drove straight to the sheriff's house, Stiles was mowing the lawn when Derek's car pulled up. He exhaled so suddenly, so unexpectedly, like he'd been holding it in since Derek left. Stiles turned off the mower, took a few steps towards Derek's car, as he got out of the driver's seat, stood by the car like he was waiting for a signal to approach, a sign that he was allowed to, that he should. So when Stiles started speeding through his steps, Derek met him halfway, wrapping around him so forcefully, they almost lost their balance, but Stiles circled his arms around his neck, held Derek to him, and it felt like he'd never been let go of before, like no time had passed at all.
" Now, was that so bad?" Stiles chuckled, pulling his head away from Derek's shoulder, enough to catch his eyes, follow them as they took him in, marveled upon him like Derek was seeing him for the very first time. In a way, he was, and it was everything he thought it would be. And more.
Derek shook his head in disbelief, letting his lips drop against Stiles', touching at first, feeling, until Stiles' grip around him tightened, his lips doing more than just touch, wanting more than just feel.
" It's worth it. You and me is always going to be worth it." Derek whispered, and Stiles just kissed him some more.
Derek spent two weeks with Stiles and the sheriff, doing everything right. And when he had to go back to college, there was an ease to his departure, a certainty that it would be temporary, that he'd come back. And he did. Every single time. And Stiles never stopped being there, never stopped waiting, or welcoming, or loving.