Chapter Text
Junki moved into Yonashiro House a few weeks ago. It's a huge share house, and there's enough room for 11 guys to rent out the place and live together. Sho, the guy in charge of the house, was very welcoming, and the other guys are all friendly. Junki talks to Takumi often, and Mame, the youngest one, too.
But there’s still one guy he hasn't talked to. He was standing on the stairs when Junki first came in. He was tall, leaning against the wall, with hair dyed blonde with black roots showing, tiny hoop earrings and pale skin. It was a combination that could only look good on a select few people in the world,and he was definitely one of them. He looked like a model.
Junki waved at him and greeted him. "Hi! I'm Kono Junki, I'm going to be moving in here from today, please treat me well!"
Instead, a pink haired boy who came down the stairs from behind him at that moment answered instead
"Hi! I'm Takumi, nice to meet you! Let's get along!" He came down and they shook hands. He was shorter than Junki, and smiled in a shy way quite a lot.
When Junki looked back up at the stairs at the taller boy, he was just stood there blankly, looking at Junki, completely expressionless. He made no move to introduce himself.Junki was about to try to talk to him again when Sho interrupted him.
"Junki, your room is upstairs to the left. There's a bathroom just across from it."
The blonde boy was still staring at Junki, face unmoving. Junki is uncomfortable. Junki gives the other boy a quick smile before hurriedly turning to Sho, who is hauling Junki's luggage into the house
"Ah, thank you so much! Here, let me carry my own stuff" He says, taking his suitcase from Sho
They walk up the stairs together with his luggage and into Junki's room. The tall boy just ignores him again and walks quickly ahead of them. He silently heads into the corner room - which is next to Junki's
"Who's the guy in the room next door?" Junki asks Sho, who is behind him on the stairs.
"Next door? I'm next door to you on the right." Sho replies
"Oh, nice!" Junki smiles "I meant the corner room though. The one on the left"
"Ah, Keigo's room. It's empty now though"
"Is it? Oh right." He shrugs.
No matter. Junki would try to talk to the blonde boy again next time he saw him, he thought. But Junki didn’t hear any sounds from the room next door, nor did he see the blonde boy for the next few weeks.
………..
Junki's habit was singing. He'd constantly sing around the house when he got back from work. He tried not to sing too late at night, or when Sho was next door, but sometimes he couldn't help himself. He still hadn’t heard any noises from his other neighbour, so he guessed that the room really was empty. Or maybe the guy called Keigo had moved out. Junki guessed that Keigo was probably the tall blonde boy who didn't talk, since Junki hadn't seen him in a while, but he'd talked to everyone else in the house. Junki hadn't been living there there long, but Keigo could've at least said a farewell to Junki, too.
One day, Junki is singing in the kitchen as he makes his lunch. To his surprise, Keigo comes down the stairs and Junki greets him. He was shocked as he was reminded of how good the other guy looked.
"Hi! I'm Junki! Sorry this is so late, nice to meet you!" He says quickly, one eye on his food that's cooking
"Hi, I'm Keigo" The other says, slowly. Junki hears his voice for the first time. Its too low, and more soft. He's weirdly graceful as he moves across the room.
"Have you eaten? I can make you something if you want?" Junki says. He enjoys cooking, and sharing a meal is a good way to talk to people
"No, it's okay, I just ate. Thanks for the offer though." Keigo says. He moves to sit at the kitchen counter. "You're a good singer"
Junki finds himself blushing. He was singing his heart out because he thought he was the only one in the house, and Keigo is smiling at him closely.
"Ah- sorry about the noise"
"No, it's okay! I like it." Keigo smiles softly. "You've got a good voice"
"Ah- thank you." Junki almost burns his food. A very attractive guy is complimenting him at close range about a very personal thing to him. Of course he'd burn his food. "You're really good looking, are you a model? I don't see you much around the house, so.."
"Ah, no, I ... was a student. I don't really do much now though"
"Ah. I just work in an office all day. It kinda sucks. I like it here though. It's nice. Noisy, but nice."
"Yeah, I don't like it when it's quiet though, so I'm glad you're here."
"Hey! What's that supposed to mean?"Junki jokes.
To his relief, Keigo laughs. It's still a small chuckle, but it's a genuine one. Junki is a naturally confident person but now he finds himself hanging onto Keigo's every reaction.
They talk as Junki eats his food - he did offer some to Keigo again but he politely declined. Junki finds out that they are the same age, and that Keigo likes working out and horror movies, and that he used to want to work in fashion. When Junki finishes eating, Keigo asks if he wants to come and watch a horror movie with him, and Junki happily agrees, glad that they’re getting along.
They go into Keigo's room. It's the same as Junki's, but with more windows. All of the curtains are shut, and it feels cooler than the rest of the house, probably because the sunlight can't get in. Perfect for watching a horror movie.
Junki screams through the entire movie, and Keigo laughs at him.
"Stop laughing, it's scary AGHHHHHHH!"
"I can't help it, you're so loud" Keigo laughs
"It's not fucking funny she's coming she's coming she's coming she's fUCK FUCK FUCK"
….Finally, the movie ends. Junki is clinging onto a pillow tightly and he still won't let it go. He's still scared that the creepy little girl with scissors is coming to kill him.
"How do you watch this stuff?" He asks Keigo in disbelief
"I don't know. I do find it scary." Keigo replies. "Well, when I don't have someone screaming next to me I don't anyway. But they're kind of funny."
Junki shakes his head "I don't understand"
Keigo just laughs. He’s sat far away from Junki, on the floor. He's got a nice smile, Junki notes. His eyes dip down at the sides, and sometimes he has a gummy smile where he dips his neck forwards. It's cute.
….....
They met many times after that. In Keigo's room, in Junki's room, downstairs in the kitchen when Keigo actually comes downstairs for once - he seems to stay in his room a lot - and they just talk for hours. It's usually Keigo distracting Junki as Junki does leftover work, and winding Junki up.
"Keigo I swear to God. If you've put more memes in my presentation I will get Sho to kick you out of the house and I mean it"
"It's fine~" Keigo hums "They're good memes"
"I need to submit this in less than an hour!” Junki sighs, running a hand through his hair. “I’m gonna do this Keigo. Please cheer me on.”
“Yup” Keigo says, and lays on Junki’s bed.
The two fall into a comfortable silence, and Junki types away on his laptop. The other housemates are playing soccer outside in the small garden, and Keigo alternates between watching them from the window and then watching Junki.
Between the task at hand and keeping an eye on the time, Junki notices that Keigo is watching Takumi closely.
“You should go outside with them” Junki suggests. “I’ll go down and meet you when I’m finished.”
“No, I'll stay here.” Keigo says, falling back laying flat on the bed
“No seriously. I don’t mind if you go down before me.”
“No, I’ll stay here. I don’t really want to go outside.” Keigo is insistent, but he’s still looking out of the window.
“Suit yourself.” Junki shrugs. He keeps noticing Keigo looking at Takumi. On top of that, Takumi keeps looking up towards the house.
Junki looks at Takumi closely. He’s laughing and playing with the other guys, but sometimes his smile drops and he looks up towards the house as if he's in a trance. He’s always looking at one spot, and Junki notices that Takumi is looking to the left of Junki’s windows…..at Keigo’s room. It’s driving Junki insane.
Eventually, he finishes his work, on time as well.
“Come on, lets go!” Junki gets up enthusiastically “Let's go down!”
But Keigo doesn’t move from where he is.
“You go. I’ll…go to my room or something.
“What? Why?” Junki asks. Keigo just shakes his head.
“Have you fought with someone?” Junki asks again. '
you fight with Takumi?' Is what he really wants to ask but somehow he can’t bring himself to it.
“....No” He says after a pause. “It’s fine. It’s just the way it is.”
He gets up and leaves Junki’s room without another word.
…...
"Younghoun was looking for a place, and I was wondering, can he move in here?” Mame asks at the kitchen table one evening.
Sho made them all food, and they sit down together and eat. Keigo, as always, isn’t there. He never is at group gatherings. It bothers Junki a lot. Especially how Keigo often seems to be watching Takumi from far away when Takumi doesn’t realise it. He’s been doing it a lot. Junki’s can't help but notice. It has given him many opportunities to admire Keigo’s beautifully defined side profile though.
Right now, Junki, Sho, Ren, Takumi and Ruki are sat at the table, and they all listen to Mame attentively.
“I know some people aren’t going to like this idea…..” Mame says nervously “But could we maybe give him Keigo’s room?”
Everyone freezes.
A few people stop eating, Takumi included.
All eyes are on Mame.
“Why Keigo’s room?” Junki asks, eating his pasta, not quite following.
“I know it’s a sensitive topic…...” Mame says, looking around the table. He checks everyone’s facial expressions with care. “But if Takumi is okay with it…..”
Junki is confused. But he can’t ask any questions in the tense atmosphere. He suddenly feels very out of place amongst his housemates who have been here much longer than him.
Takumi pauses for a very long time, and then slowly nods.
“Yeah...l I think it’ll be a good idea. Sho?”
Sho takes his time with his answer.
“Me too.” Sho nods solemnly. “I’m happy for you, Takumi. Are you sure?”
“Yeah... I think so.”
“Yeah, I guess I need to start moving forwards as well.” Sho sighs. “Mame, please don’t tell your friend he can move in just yet, because we still need to sort a few things out first, but-“
“Wait, so what’s going to happen to Keigo?” Junki finally asks, unable to help himself.
The table goes silent again.
“As in, does he have somewhere else to stay?” He quickly adds on. "You know, since he won't be able to use his own room anymore."
Nobody says a word. He can’t read Sho’s expression.
Junki can tell that somewhere along the line he's made a grave mistake, and he hurriedly tries to find a way out of the situation he's out himself into.
“Sorry, did I say something bad? Keigo’s my room neighbour though, I like having him next door, you know? I don’t see any reason to kick him out. I’m sure Mame’s friend is a great guy too, but isn’t there another room that’s spare for him?”
No one is making eye contact with him.
“What do you mean by that? The bit about Keigo” Ruki asks carefully
“Um…..” Junki hesitates. “I know this might sound really rude and I’m really really sorry if I’m wrong, but…. Did you guys fall out? You leave him out of everything, like eating meals together, playing soccer, watching TV.”
“We leave him out?” Ruki asks
“Or maybe it’s that he doesn’t join in, I don’t know, but you seem to be avoiding each other. I’ve never seen any of you talk to him.” Junki tries to explain.
It’s true. He's never seen Keigo interact with any of the other guys but Keigo just watches them from afar. Keigo’s name never even comes up in conversation. Junki doesn’t want to think badly of his housemates, but something is clearly wrong.
If the silence was heavy before, then now, it is suffocating. Ren, who is next to Takumi, is glaring at Junki.
“Junki, I know you’re a nice guy, but…. Why are you saying stuff like this?” He says, running a hand through his hair. Takumi won’t look up from the floor.
Junki is shocked. He's never seen Ren this angry before, or seen his other housemates this shaken.
“I’m sorry if I’ve got this all wrong” Junki says quickly “If it’s my misunderstanding then I apologise”
“You’re sick, Junki.” Ren says. “Really.”
“Guys, please tell me what’s going on.” Junki pleads. “I’m so so sorry. I don’t understand but I’m sorry.”
“I don’t know what’s going on either but just….. Just don’t mention Keigo again okay?" Ren sighs. “We’ll leave what happened today in the past too.”
“Why should I ignore him?” Junki says, suddenly angry that they want to pretend Keigo never existed. “He lives with us!”
Takumi breaks his silence by suddenly bursting into tears. Sho stands up immediately and takes Takumi out of the room with him, one arm around his shoulder. Sho’s back is shaking too.
Junki desperately looks to Ruki for help, but Ruki is looking down at the floor. So is Mame. Ren gives Junki a horrified look before hurriedly leaving the room to follow Takumi, without saying a word.
“I- I’m sorry.” Junki says quietly. “I’m so, so sorry.”
“Junki…” Ruki sighs. “I know it hasn’t been long since you’ve moved in, so there are some things you don’t know about. But Ren’s right. You can’t mention Keigo. Ever.”
“That doesn’t seem fair on Keigo.” Junki says quietly. “That’s awful.”
“It’s for Takumi’s sake. And all of ours. Especially Sho’s. Please.” Ruki begs. “Don’t ever do this again.”
Junki has no idea what’s going on. He needs to know where he went wrong. Junki decides to take the plunge. He needs to get answers from someone and the only person who seems willing to talk to him at all right now seems to be Ruki.
“Did Takumi and Keigo go out?”
“...Yes.” Ruki replies
“And not anymore?”
“......It’s more complicated than that, but essentially, yes.” Ruki answers reluctantly. “Junki, can I ask you a question?”
“Yeah, go ahead.”
“When’s the last time you saw Keigo?”
“Last night, why?”
“...Nothing. Thanks for answering my question.” He says, and leaves the table.
Mame follows quickly behind him. He gives Junki a small apologetic smile, but Junki can tell that it’s forced. And so, Junki is left alone at an empty table.
He feels awful.
…….
The next night, Junki stumbles into the house. He just got a taxi to get back home from a drinking party with his workmates, which dragged on until 3am. He feels sick after the taxi journey and only just makes it to the toilet before throwing up.
When he looks up from the toilet seat, Keigo is standing beside him, looking concerned. He’s faintly lit by the light from the street outside the house which sneaks in through the bathroom window, highlighting his pale and well-defined face. He looks beautiful.
“Are you okay?” He asks
“No.” Junki replies “I feel like shit”
Keigo laughs, but he still looks concerned for Junki. “I’ll get you a glass of water.”
An angel, Junki thinks, a real life angel.
He just watches as Keigo walks to the tap in the dimly lit kitchen. His brain is working slowly, in a drunk, sleepy lull. He just watches each of Keigo’s movements as though he’s in a dream.
“Thanks.” Junki replies when Keigo returns. He leans his back against the bathroom wall where he is crouched. “Sorry, did I wake you up?”
“No, I was already awake” Keigo replies, handing him the glass of water. He sits down next to Junki and watches closely as Junki takes small sips.
“Honestly though, are you a vampire or something?”
“A vampire?” Keigo laughs, surprised. “Really?”
“I don’t know. I really don’t know anymore.” Junki sighs. “I can’t figure it out. It doesn’t make sense. I don’t think I’ve seen you leave the house. Or eat. And you’re really pale.”
“I’m just a hermit. That’s why I’m pale” Keigo says quickly. He’s leaning against the doorframe and looking down at Junki.
“Really? Oh, maybe that’s why then. Makes sense I guess?” Junki says, his head no longer supported by his neck at all, and buried in his own shoulder. He just agrees with what Keigo says because he’s still drunk and his head feels too cloudy to say anything more.
“How are you even real though?” Junki mumbles “You’re so beautiful”
“Wow you’re drunk” Keigo laughs softly.
Junki smiles in return
“I mean it though. I do.”
In that moment, Junki realises that he does care for Keigo a lot. He feels so comfortable talking to Keigo, yet he always gets butterflies every single time. He wants to be closer to Keigo. It could be love, he thinks. It really could.
“You know, I thought you'd be really rude at first. Remember when I first came here?” Junki asks. “I was trying to introduce myself and you just ignored me.”
"Ah. Yeah. That day when you first came." Keigo remembers "Sorry. I was just zoning out. I wasn't expecting to be talking to someone that day."
“But you’re so nice now? And you’ve seen me at one of my lowest points just now.” He laughs.
Junki is smiling in that way that drunk people do, all melty and cute. His head is tilted towards Keigo’s and their faces are close. Keigo smiles back softly but he looks troubled.
Junki wants to kiss him. Just one kiss, surely would be okay?
He closes his eyes and slowly leans across the gap between them, but his lips never meet Keigo’s.
When Junki opens his eyes, he sees that Keigo is now stood up, and has taken a step away from him.
“Come on, lets go to bed” Keigo says.
For a moment Junki sees some hope, but he soon realises that Keigo is kindly rejecting him, as Keigo simply takes the empty glass of water from Junki and gets up to go and wash it in the sink as if nothing happened.
Junki closes his eyes and leans his head back against the wall. What has he done? Yesterday he made Takumi cry and made everyone hate him, and today he tried to make a move on Keigo. Oh, and Junki’s breath probably stinks of puke.
He groans. He’s drunk and doesn't want to move.
“Keigo~” Junki whines “Please carry me upstairs~”
Keigo sighs at him helplessly
“I can't carry you. Go upstairs yourself.”
“Don’t be mean~. I know you’ve got a good body”
“Junki, you can sleep on the sofa, I’ll get some blankets for you” Keigo offers.
“No~ I want to be carried!” Junki continues, now with his arms outstretched, beckoning for Keigo to let him wrap his arms around his neck and be lifted.
“Junki I can’t” Keigo sighs. He looks troubled.
“Fine. Carry me to the sofa.”
“No. Sorry, I’m just too tired.” Keigo sighs. “I’ll come check on you in a bit, so get to the sofa or a bed by then, okay?”
He heads upstairs without Junki. Junki is left by himself. ‘Wow,’ he thinks, ‘I’ve messed everything up so badly.’
“Junki?” A voice calls. Junki looks up. It’s Sho.
“Ugh, have you thrown up?” Sho comes closer to Junki. “Were you talking to someone? I thought I heard voices. Are you okay?”
“I’m fine, I just drank loads.” Junki looks at Sho. “Sorry, did we wake you up?“ He doesn’t mention that he was with Keigo.
“No, it’s fine, I was awake anyway.” Sho replies
“Does no one in this house sleep?” Junki mutters to himself.
Despite everything that happened yesterday, Sho makes sure Junki is okay and makes it into bed after brushing his teeth. Before Sho leaves, Junki makes sure to thank Sho for taking care of him.
“Sho… I’m so sorry about a few days ago. When we were eating together downstairs. I ruined that evening.” He mumbles, already falling asleep.
“It’s okay. We were just a bit shocked, Junki.” Sho smiles kindly
“I feel so bad though. I made Takumi cry. I need to go apologise.”
“Don’t worry, he doesn’t blame you. I don’t either, it’s not your fault.”
“I just don’t understand” Junki says into his pillow
Sho laughs softly. “I’ll explain it to you sometime when you’re more sober and we can both talk to Takumi then as well, okay? Night, Junki.” He says, turning off the lights
“Night Sho, thank you”
….
Junki didn’t get to talk to anyone the next day. He wanted to ask someone about what was going on, but everyone seemed to be busy, or would be getting back late. Junki hoped he wasn’t being avoided, but he couldn’t blame anyone if that was the case.
Luckily, Keigo was in, and he acted as though nothing had happened last night. They just sat and talked, or watched movies, like they always do. Tonight, Junki stayed until quite late. He could hear the others arrive home, but somehow he couldn’t bring himself to face them after causing a scene two days ago at the table and then coming home drunk the day after.
Keigo let him stay. He understood.
“Junki… I’m sorry, I heard some of what happened a few days ago.. when you were eating with the others…” Keigo starts
“Oh…” Junki trails off, embrassaded.
“The others don’t ignore me. Don’t worry.” He says. “They don’t treat me badly at all. They’re really kind”
“That’s good. Sorry for making weird assumptions. Are you sure though? If something’s making you sad please tell me.”
“No, they’re not doing anything to make me sad. It’s okay. Thanks for worrying about me though.” Keigo is bashful
“Of course I worry about you!” Junki exclaims. “You’re my-“
He trails off.
“Hey Keigo, can I ask you something?”
“Sure.”
“Did you and Takumi go out?”
“...Ah…” Keigo pauses. “Yeah.”
Junki doesn’t know what to say in response to this. Somehow it hurts more to hear it from Keigo than from Ruki.
“It’s in the past though.” Keigo sighs.
It’s getting late. It’s 2am. Junki hasn’t slept properly for two days now, but he doesn’t mind. This is one of the first times Keigo has told Junki so much about his personal life, and Junki is … happy, but his feelings are also getting very complicated.
When the conversation dies down, they both hear a noise. Light footsteps outside, which stop in front of Keigo’s door. They hear the person sit down, leaning against the wall outside. It’s quiet, but they hear soft sniffling from the other side of the door.
Junki recognises the owner of these sounds right away.
“Is that Takumi?” He whispers to Keigo
“Not again” Keigo mumbles under his breath. He looks down, pained.
“It’s Takumi isn’t it?” Junki whispers. “Fuck. What should we do?”
“Nothing.” Keigo whispers “There’s nothing we can do.”
“No! … Keigo… you should go talk to him.” Junki says. It hurts him to say it but right now Takumi needs Keigo to be there.
“No.”
“Keigo. Go.”
“No.”
“Keigo he’s literally crying outside your room, GO!”
“Shhhh” Keigo hushes Junki, who was getting louder and louder. “Please don’t let him hear you… He’ll wonder why you’re in my room”
For a few minutes, with no choice, they sit in silence and listen as Takumi continues to cry.
“...Keigo…” They hear from outside the room in a breaking, wobbly voice.
“Fuck” Junki curses. “Please just go out and talk to him”
“I can’t”
“I don't know what happened between you, but you should go.”
“I can't.” His face is torn
“Keigo you bastard go out and-“
“Please. Please don't say anything.”
“I can't just sit here and listen to Takumi cry!”
“How do you think I've felt for-“ Keigo chokes on his own words.
“…..Okay.” Junki sighs regretfully. “I won't ask.”
“...Thank you”
“Please explain it to me one day when you feel like it though. I respect your privacy and all but I don't feel good not knowing why this situation is so fucked up.” Junki runs his hands through his hair.
“Okay. Thank you.” Keigo is sat on the edge of the bed with his face fully submerged in his hands.
They listen to takumi crying for another ten minutes. It felt like time was crushing them
“You're one twisted bastard keigo.” Junki mutters quietly, breaking the silence.
“I know.” Keigo replies into his hands
“Really. This is not okay.”
“I know.” He repeats
“Sorry.” Junki sighs “I'm just ranting at this point but listening to him cry is unbearable. I’ve got to fill the silence somehow and I'm also kind of pissed off at you right now. I just really wish you’d go out and talk to him.”
“Shhh, please don't let him hear you.”
Junki doesn’t reply.
“I'm sorry Junki. I'm so sorry.”
“Yeah?”
“I wish I could do something”
“Just walk out! Just face him! Work up the courage!” Junki whisper shouts
“I can't”
“You can do it, trust me.”
“Junki. I can't.” Keigo says. He looks Junki straight in the eyes, and Junki can tell that he’s serious.
“Keigo…” He says softly.
“It's not about courage. I physically can't do it.”
“I'm sure you're overreacting -“
“No. I can't. I'm sorry. I'll explain another time I promise. Please please just don't let Takumi hear you”
“Okay.” Junki says after thinking for a moment.
“Can you help me climb into my room from the window? I'm gonna go out to talk to him from my room. Is that okay?”
“Yes. Thank you.” Keigo says, “Thank you so much”
He opens his window quietly, and watches Junki climb outside the house, and make it into his own room, before shutting it again carefully.
As soon as Junki makes it safely into his room, he runs to his door and opens it. He sees Takumi sitting in the foetal position, leaning against the wall outside Keigo’s room. He looks up from the floor, shocked.
“Takumi, Takumi, are you okay?” Junki asks, putting a hand on Takumi’s shoulder
“Junki? Sorry, was I loud?” Takumi asks. His voice is made lower from the crying, and his face is full of tears, which he tries to wipe away and hide.
“Kumi, do you wanna talk about it? You look awful.” Junki hates seeing Takumi like this
“I-“
“Please.” Junki interjects. “If you want to. I'm worried about you. I- I can't just leave you like this”
Takumi gives a tiny nod.
Junki puts his arm around the younger boy's small shoulders and lets him into his room. He sits Takumi on his bed, wrapping a blanket around him. Junki swivels his chair around from his desk so he is facing Takumi, and offers him tissues which he accepts.
Junki's also badly wanted to comfort Keigo right now. It was the first time he'd seen Keigo look that broken and tortured, right now, Takumi had to be comforted first.
“What’s wrong?” Junki asks softly. “Can I ask why you were outside Keigo's room?”
Takumi explained.
He explained everything and Junki was not ready for it at all.
Takumi and Keigo were together for two years. They were a highschool couple and moved to Tokyo together to attend specialist Universities, Keigo in Fashion and Takumi in Sport. They were both full of hope, but then things started going downhill. Keigo really struggled mentally. He got depressed. He got it really bad. They argued a lot, and Keigo started to ditch his classes more and more, then he started arguing with the other roommates and paying his part of the rent late, and then he never left the house, then he never left his room. It was a downhill spiral. Keigo lost the joy in everything he enjoyed before. Takumi tried so hard to get him to go out with him outside, on dates, to University, to go shopping for clothes which was something he had always enjoyed. And sometimes he would be happy, but it wouldn’t last long. He would sleep for days. Eventually he barely left the bed and wouldn't talk to anyone. He wouldn't leave his room even to talk to Takumi, and he started shutting everyone out.
Takumi would try to ask what was wrong. Takumi said he'd try to ask Keigo what was wrong, and he was always there for him, always, but he felt like he wasn't doing enough. He felt like there was more he could’ve done to make things better.
"It's my fault" He cries, hiccupping and crying all at the same time. He chokes on his words. "It's all my fault"
Junki pulls him into a big hug and holds him tightly, mostly to stop his small body from shaking so hard from the tears
"It's not your fault. It's not. I promise you. Takumi, you're a good guy. You're strong. You're so, so strong Takumi."
"It's my fault. It’s my fault he killed himself"
Junki froze.
"He kill....."
Junki couldn't finish his sentence
"He...."
He still couldn't form the sentence. Takumi kept shaking in his arms, now shaking much harder than before.
"It's my fault he killed himself. We argued the night before. It's my fault. It's all my fault." Junki barely hears him. Takumi sobs uncontrollably "And when Sho found him- I-"
Junki doesn't know what to say. He just lets Takumi cry helplessly in his arms as he formulates his sentence.
"It's not your fault. I promise you. Keigo doesn't hate you. He doesn't hate you at all." He says. He realises that he is crying too.
"How do you know?" Takumi sobs "Why do you talk about him as if he's still here? You've never even met him for God's sake!"
Junki doesn't know what to say. He doesn't know what to say but he thinks he now knows one thing.
"Please answer me." Takumi says quietly. "Can you see him?"
"I- I think so." Junki says quietly.
Keigo is a ghost Keigo is a ghost Keigo is a ghost
"Is he here now?"
"N-no. I think he's in his room"
"Why can you see him? Why can you see him and I can't?"
"I don't know. I don't know"
"I fucking hate this" Takumi sobs "I can't see him because he hates me. He doesn't want to be seen by me"
"He doesn't hate you. He doesn't"
"Can you speak to him?”
"Y- yeah I think. I don't know anymore. I thought he was alive until today. How do I know I'm not just making this all up?"
"Describe him to me. Tell me how he looks, how he talks"
"He's tall, handsome, his hair is dyed blonde with black roots growing out. Eyes that droop down on the outer corners slightly. Sometimes he has a gummy smile. He doesn't have a very deep voice, but it's nice, and soft, and-"
"Stop." Takumi says quietly, sharply
Junki stops
"Please stop. Don't say any more than that. Please"
"Okay. I'm sorry"
Takumi cries for another two hours, and Junki rubs his back the entire time. Neither of them say another word. Eventually, Takumi, exhausted from crying, falls asleep in Junki's bed.
Junki goes out for a run. It's 4am, and the streets are dark and empty. He doesn't want to be in the house right now. His bed is taken up by Takumi, and he doesn't think he can face Keigo anytime soon. He needs to get his thoughts sorted out.
Keigo is dead.
No one else in the house can see Keigo.
He can see Keigo as a ghost.
That explains a lot. Of course they want to clear out his room. Of course that's why Keigo avoids mealtimes. Of course that's why he never leaves the house.
Keigo and Takumi were together.
Yeah. He fucking knew it. He’s been thinking about it non-stop since he heard from Ruki. He wishes he could ignore it.
Keigo committed suicide.
Fuck.
Junki runs harder. He runs harder than he's ever ran before, as if to outpace the thoughts in his head that are spinning around his skull like a hurricane. His streaming tears sting his face as the night air cools them. He's a mess. He's a sweaty, out of breath, crying mess.
He feels nauseous. He crouches down on the sidewalk, leaning against a lamp post and immediately throws up. He throws up everything inside him. He feels so empty. So, so empty.
Somehow he manages to stumble home and jumps in the shower. It's piercingly cold as he first turns it on but he doesn't mind. He needs to clear his head and go to sleep. In a daze, he gets out of the shower, and rolls onto the sofa in the living room, and passes out.
____________________
end of pt 1