Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Ricky drove down the final stretch of the ride to Seb’s farm, the long path that seems to go to nowhere. He turned down the music Nini had chosen to play and parked in the grass next to the other cars. Nini got out and grabbed the cards she had gotten for Seb and Carlos. They had decided to have a joint graduation party and everyone they knew in high school had returned to wish them well.

Nini and Ricky walked around the back of the house and found everyone they did theatre with sitting around a picnic table next to an old playground Seb’s parents had built years ago. Memories of cast parties and movie nights flooded their brains as the group was officially back together again. Seb ran up and hugged them both. Ricky went over to pat Carlos on the shoulder, giving him the card he had gotten him. Nini sat next to Kourtney and Ricky sat next to Big Red. Most of them haven’t seen each other since the most recent spring musical, where a bunch of them came back to see Seb and Gina star in Legally Blonde. But, the time apart didn’t affect their dynamic once they got into conversation.

Since leaving East High, everyone pursued their own paths. EJ was a business major at a school with a strong musical theatre club and water polo team. Ricky was a music education major. Nini was a musical theatre major with a music composition minor. Kourtney was a theatre design and production major. Big Red was at film school. Seb got into a school for music education and theatre. Carlos was planning on going to a school for dance with a minor in theatre studies. Gina was going to study musical theatre and dance. Ashlyn was going to study music technology with some classes in vocal performance.

They had been talking for a few hours and the sun had begun to set. They moved to the fire pit and all cuddled with each other, the mood dying down a bit. “I just wish we could perform together again.” Ashlyn said.

“It would be great to have one last show together.” EJ added.

“I know we always wanted to do Spring Awakening, maybe we can do it now that we’re all over 18.” Carlos said.

The group all agreed and started planning. They agreed to perform it in Seb’s barn. Kourtney and Big Red wanted to co-direct, with Ricky helping to music direct. The crew decided to dib parts. Nini and Ricky wanted to play love interests again, and no one had any debate. Seb begged Carlos to play Hanschen so he could play Ernst, “You’d be amazing, baby.”

“I’m usually behind the scenes, I can help Red choreograph.” Carlos said, shyly.

“I feel like your talents would be better used on stage.” Big Red said, “You are an amazing actor and singer, not just a dancer. I think you would be fabulous as Hanschen.”

Everyone in the group agreed and started to beg Carlos to do it. Carlos looked over at Seb, who whispered, “You don’t have to if you don’t want to, but I know that you would be perfect for this role. Not just because I’m your boyfriend, but because I know talent when I see it.”

“Fine.” Carlos said, to which everyone cheered. “Now who will play the other parts?”

“Gi, I think you’d make a great Martha!” Nini said.

Everyone started to agree, to which Gina was not pleased. “I don’t feel comfortable playing her.”

“C’mon, you’d be amazing!” Seb chimed in.

“I know I would, I just have my personal reasons that I don’t want to play that role.”

“I can play Martha.” Ashlyn said, a bit too eagerly.

Since Ashlyn was playing Martha, they asked if Gina was comfortable playing Ilse. She was, and the cast list was almost complete. What was left was to make EJ Moritz, which he was fine with. Kourtney and Big Red decided that they would be in the show to fill the ensemble roles.

“Crazy idea.” Kourtney said, once the cast list was done. “What if we asked Miss Jenn and Mr. Mazzara to play the adult roles?”

“Isn’t there a scene where Big Red would have to touch Miss Jenn’s boobs? Wouldn’t that be weird because we’re her former students?”

“We can cut it or just allude to it happening backstage or something.” Big Red responded. “Also we’d have to see if they want to be in it in the first place.”

“I can call her tomorrow about it, but do we feel okay with this show and cast list and everything?” Kourtney asked.

Everyone agreed and they went home to get some sleep before starting rehearsals in the coming week.

Chapter Text

The cast had all met in Seb’s barn for rehearsal, as that’s where they decided to do the performances. 

“Okay, so Gina you got your part down, Nini and Kourtney are singing the melody, which I assume you already know, and Ashlyn let’s go over your part.” Ricky then proceeded to plunk out her part on the keyboard as Ashlyn sang along. “Okay, you feel comfortable with that?” Ashlyn nodded, “Let’s do that all together then.” Ricky got out his guitar and started playing along as they sang through.

“That sounded good guys, just remember the dynamics on the long notes in that middle section.” Ricky put away the keyboard as Big Red got up to do choreography.

“So Nini will be standing here, and there will be a chair here,” he said, placing Nini and putting down a chair. “Gina, I want you here upstage, Ashlyn next to her, and then Kourtney. You will walk up to meet Nini on the first line before the harmonies come in. Then you will have light choreography.” Big Red then proceeded to teach the choreo, which involved moving to different poses at different levels. Then he moved them around and gave more choreography as the beat got more noticable. Then, they all formed a line at the front of the stage as the song ended, before going off stage at the button of the song, letting the next scene happen. They ran the choreo a few times to make sure they had it down.

“One last time, can we go from one of the lines in the scene before? I’ll read for the adult woman.” Red said, flipping through his script.

“There’s no need.” Everyone turned to the door and saw Ms. Jenn standing there, with her script, ready to go. Everyone practically ran when they saw her, giving her a massive group hug. “I saw you guys a few weeks ago, you can’t have missed me that much!”

“We didn’t get a chance to actually talk to you or anything!” Nini said. “And now you’re gonna be in rehearsals with us!”

“Let’s get work done, people!” Miss Jenn said, trying not to be the director. “You said the scene before Mama Who Bore Me reprise?”

Miss Jenn and Nini got into their places. “Mama!”

“You will drive me mad.” Miss Jenn turned away from Nini.

“Why? I’ll kneel at your feet, lay my head in your lap. You can talk as if I weren’t even there.” Nini did as she said as Miss Jenn sat in the chair.

“All right then, in order for a woman to conceive a child…” Miss Jenn began to fiddle with her imaginary skirt. “For a woman to bear a child, she must...in her own personal way, she must…” Miss Jenn made eye contact with Nini before quickly looking away. “Love her husband, as she can only love him.” She touched Nini’s chin to make sure they were making eye contact. “Only him. She must love him with her whole…” She looked down and then back up, “heart.” She got up from her chair and dusted off her apron before saying, “There, now you know everything.”

“Everything? Mama!” Miss Jenn left the stage as the song started.

Mama who bore me

Mama who gave me

No way to handle things

Who made me so sad

Mama, the weeping

Mama, the angels

No sleep in Heaven, or Bethlehem

Some pray that, one day, Christ will come a-callin'

They light a candle, and hope that it glows

And some just lie there, crying for him to come and find them

But when he comes, they don't know how to go

Mama who bore me

Mama who gave me

No way to handle things

Who made me so bad

Mama, the weeping

Mama, the angels

No sleep in Heaven, or Bethlehem

“That was great everybody! Let’s take a break and then we’ll move onto All That’s Known.” Red pulled Miss Jenn and Kourtney aside. “Just making sure, is Mr. Mazzara doing this, too?”

“I haven’t heard back from him.” Kourtney said.

“I know he was going to a robotics conference last week, but he should be back in town. Haven’t seen anything on his Facebook about it. I’ll text him later tonight.” Miss Jenn replied.

“Okay, thank you.”

“And thank you for doing this by the way.” Kourtney said, “I know it must be strange putting directing into the hands of your former students.”

“I’ve been wanting to perform again, it’s an addiction. This production is going to be a lot of fun. If you guys ever need help or just want someone to bounce ideas off of I am here.” Miss Jenn smiled.

“That would be amazing.” Big Red said before calling everybody back to stage the next part of the show.

Chapter Text

Haven't you heard a word- how I want you? 

Oh, I'm gonna be wounded. 

Oh, I'm gonna be your wound.

Oh, I'm gonna bruise you. 

Oh, you're gonna be my bruise.

Ricky and Nini just finished doing Word of Your Body in full, with Kourtney’s choreography. They sat, ready for Kourtney to tell them how well they did. “Well that happened” were the first words out of Kourtney’s mouth. “Okay, what does this song mean? ‘You’re gonna be my bruise’ what does that mean?”

“It’s an allusion to the scene with the switch later.” Nini responded. 

“Or to the fact that Melchior is going to make Wendla pregnant and she’s going to die because of it.” Ricky added.

“Those are good answers, but it isn’t just a song for the audience, it’s a song for the characters. They want to be wounded. Being sexual to them is a bad thing, but it’s something they want to do anyway. They want to be bruised by the other person.” Kourtney said, “Can we try that again? I want you two to look like you want each other in a sexual way, because I know you do.”

The song started up again and they did the dance and finished the song leaning in for a kiss, but not actually kissing because of the lines after. Kourtney still wasn’t pleased. “Nini, can I talk to you for a second?” Nini and Kourtney stepped outside. “Are you two doing okay? It doesn’t look like you’ve ever wanted to have sex and I know you have.”

Nini hesitated. “Ricky has never wanted to have sex. I don’t know. I’ve wanted to, we had plans to on prom night, and then he just kinda backed out? I didn’t want to tell people because I thought I was the problem and even if I wasn’t, it’s something between Ricky and I, but I don’t know.”

“Wow, okay.” Kourtney gathered her thoughts. “I think you guys need to have a talk about this before we put up this show. I think that’s what’s missing in your scenes together: communication between actors. I’m not gonna tell you to have sex with him before the show, but it wouldn’t hurt.” Kourtney walked back in to grab her stuff and officially end the rehearsal.

That night, Carlos was in Seb’s room. The cast had left early so they decided to have a mini date night. They were cuddling, watching TV, but not really paying attention to the show. Carlos looked at Seb and whispered a line in the show: “When we look back, thirty years from now, tonight will seem unbelievably beautiful.” 

Seb smiled and turned to him, replying with his line, “In the meantime?”

“Why not?” Carlos leaned in and kissed Seb. They continued to kiss for a minute or so before separating. “I don’t know how I’m gonna be able to sing after kissing you in the show. You always take my breath away.”

Seb rolled his eyes before referencing the show, “On my way here this afternoon, I thought perhaps we'd only talk.” Carlos scooted back, pretending to be offended before Seb kissed him again. When they separated, Seb sang perfectly: 

Oh, I'm gonna be wounded. 

Oh, I'm gonna be your wound.

Oh, I'm gonna bruise you. 

Oh, you're gonna be my bruise.

Carlos joined as they sang it again in harmony. “I’m really glad you convinced me to do this show, Sebby.”

“I’m really glad I convinced you, too.” Seb mustered up his courage to say something he’d always wanted to say, but in the form of a line from the show. “I love you, Carlos. As I've never loved anyone.”

“As you should.” Carlos said, finishing the line. Seb looked down, waiting for Carlos to say it back. “I love you, too, Sebastian.”

Chapter Text

“Since there aren't two of me, can you be Anna in this scene, Gina?” Kourtney asked, getting everyone ready to do the scene before The Dark I Know Well.

“Uh, I can try.” Gina said, turning her script to the correct page as they started the scene. “Martha, careful- your braid’s coming loose.”

Ashlyn grabbed part of her hair, “No!” she said, concerned.

“Just let it.” Kourtney said, putting her hand on Ashlyn’s shoulder, “Isn’t it a nuisance for you- day and night. You may not cut it short, you may not wear it down.”

“Tomorrow I’m bringing scissors.” Nini playfully grabbed at Ashlyn’s hair. This caused Ashlyn to run a bit away from them.

“For God’s sake, Wendla, no! Papa beats me enough as it is.” The girls stopped and looked at her. Gina started breathing heavily.

“Really?” Nini responded.

“Well, when I don't do as he likes, some nights ... Papa yanks out his belt. ‘We have rules in this house. Your father will not be disobeyed.’ The other night, I ran for the door. ‘Out the door? All right, I like that. That's where you'll spend the night- out on the street:'” Ashlyn said, matter of factly.

Nini inched closer to her, “He beats you with a belt?”

“Right there.” Ashlyn rolled up her sleeve and gestured to a spot on her arm.

Gina’s heavy breaths became more noticeable as she said her next line. “We must tell someone.”

“Anna no!” Ashlyn responded, “Just look at what’s become of Ilse now! Living who knows where with who knows who.”

Kourtney stepped forward. “My Uncle Klaus says, ‘If you don't discipline a child, you don't love it.’”

Gina started feeling like the ground was swallowing her up. Tears filled her eyes as she said, “When I have children, I'll let them be free. And they'll grow strong and tall.” She started to bawl. She dropped her script and ran out of the barn, finding a bench outside where she could breathe. This is why she didn’t want to do this part of the show. She couldn’t handle it. She wasn’t strong enough to accept a part of her life that was long ago.

“Gina!” Nini called as she ran up to her. “Are you okay? What happened?”

“I’m okay. Just need to breathe.” She lied, trying not to worry her friend.

“Nini, let me handle this.” Ashlyn came over and sat next to Gina. “Breathe, G. You’re gonna be okay. You’re here, with me, and Nini, and Kourtney. We’re at Seb’s barn in Salt Lake City, Utah. Nini, can you get Gina’s water bottle?”

Nini ran back inside as Gina’s breaths steadied. “Thank you. I’m sorry for ruining rehearsal.”

“Don’t worry, you are not ruining anything. You need to take care of yourself.” Ashlyn said, rubbing her back. “If you ever need to talk, I’m here. I know a lot about this because of EJ.”

“EJ?” Gina asked, looking up at her.

“I’m sorry I shouldn’t have said that without his permission. I can’t say much because it’s not my story to tell, but you are not alone. Never think you’re alone.”

Gina slightly smiled at Ashlyn, “Thank you.”

Chapter Text

“That was a great rehearsal, guys!” Red called out as people were packing up.

“Hey, wait a minute!” Ashlyn said, getting everyone’s attention. “EJ’s 21st birthday party is gonna be at my place tomorrow night. Everyone’s invited!”

“As a warning, since I’m newly 21, I will be drunk as shit, and if you guys would like to be as well, be my guest.” Everyone started talking as they all exited, preparing for the party.

The night of the party, almost everyone had had something to drink. Ashlyn, Red, and Seb were the only ones still sober. Big Red had been helping his girlfriend host and was standing by the drinks, making sure people weren’t over drinking.

He saw Gina taking EJ outside. He didn’t think much of it because they never seemed to be romantically linked. They always were just like siblings.

“EJ!” Gina yelled, even though EJ was next to her. “A little birdy told me we have the same problems! I had a panic attack last week because Ashlyn was doing her scene and then she told me you get panic attacks like me. Isn’t that fun?”

“Woah, Ashlyn told you that?” EJ said in the most sober way he could, Gina nods drunkenly. “We are both drunk off our asses. We should definitely talk about this at some point, but maybe when we’re both of solid mind.”

“Mmmkay, birthday boy!” Gina hugged him and then went back inside, followed by EJ.

Big Red saw them come back inside and saw EJ walk up to Ashlyn, whispering something in her ear. Big Red then saw Ricky and Nini go upstairs. “Of course they’re going upstairs.” Big Red muttered to himself.

Nini and Ricky found a bedroom upstairs and Nini sat down, waiting for Ricky to make a move. Kourtney told them to figure out their whole still-haven’t-had-sex thing, and Nini’s goal was to leave this party having had sex with Ricky. Sure, they were both very drunk, but they both wanted it. Right?

Ricky leaned over her and kissed her. Nini kissed back and started to lay herself down so that Ricky could get on top of her. She started unbuttoning his shirt. He was startled, to which Nini said, “Ricky, it’s just me.” She took his shirt off and she started to take her shirt off too.

Reality suddenly burst through Ricky’s hazed brain and he got off of Nini and started putting his shirt back on. “What are you doing, babe?”

“I don’t want to do this. I don’t know. I’m sorry.” Ricky could barely look at Nini.

“Is it because of me?” Nini sat up, adjusting her shirt.

“No! Not at all!” Ricky looked at her. “Something’s wrong with me. I’ve never wanted to. All my life, my friends have talked about hot celebrities, male or female, and how much they’d love to have sex with them, and I just never see it. They talk about losing their virginities and how amazing their partners are sexually, and I just never understand. I’m sorry.”

Ricky ran out of the room, heading downstairs, grabbing his skateboard, and heading home. Big Red made a mental note to text Ricky in a little bit to make sure he’s home safe. He then saw Nini come down and grab another beer.

Big Red stared at Ashlyn from across the room. She was talking to Kourtney. Big Red had always thought Ashlyn was beautiful. He always wanted to be close to her. They had been dating for a while now, but there was some sort of spark that’s missing. Big Red didn’t care, though. He just loved being around her.

Kourtney and Ashlyn sat together on the couch. Kourtney put her arm around Ashlyn to put her drink on the table next to her. She kept her arm there and Ashlyn looked at Kourtney. They shared a knowing glance. Kourtney leaned in and kissed her. They started making out, with passion Big Red and Ashlyn never had.

“Oh.” Big Red whispered to himself. That’s why they didn’t have spark. She’s not attracted to him. He just wished she were brave enough to say that.

Later, people started leaving and Big Red helps Ashlyn clean. “Thanks for always being here, babe. I know it probably wasn’t as fun for you, manning the drink station instead of leading a game.”

“It’s okay. I got to people watch.” Red tried to share a knowing look with Ashlyn, but she didn’t understand.

“What did you learn?” Ashlyn asked, putting stuff away.

“That Kourtney is the one for you and I’m not.” Big Red tried to say that without breaking. He didn’t want her to feel bad about it. It hurt him that she couldn’t just tell him and instead broke their trust, but he didn’t want her to apologize for being who she was.

Ashlyn stood still, trying to find a way to respond. “I’m sorry.”

Big Red whispered a small “It’s okay” as he put the last of the alcohol away, picked up his jacket, kissing Ashlyn on the cheek before he walked out the door.

Chapter Text

No one was looking forward to today’s rehearsal. The party caused their groupchat to go silent for the first time ever. Red was heartbroken, EJ was mad at Ashlyn for telling his secret, and Ricky and Nini haven’t talked to each other since they almost had sex. Everyone else at the party was sort of witness to any of those arguments.

Kourtney walked into the space and Big Red was already there getting ready. “So I have Miss Jenn coming today and hopefully Mr. Mazzara.” Red did not look up or even acknowledge her. “Red, what’s going on?”

He finally looked up at her. “I love Ashlyn. And she doesn’t love me, she loves you.”

Kourtney stood there, agape. “We drunkenly made out at a party, it doesn’t mean we’re in love. She’s straight.”

“She wasn’t drunk, Kourt. She never kisses me like she kisses you. I just always wanted to be with someone like her. We’re best friends. I just don’t want her to be hiding her identity from me.”

“Red, maybe she’s just not ready.” Kourtney replied. “I wasn’t ready to come out until I went to college, even though I knew all throughout high school. Just give her time.”

Red thanked her as the cast entered. As everyone put their stuff away, Miss Jenn entered with Mr. Mazzara. “Oh my god!” Kourtney said, approaching them, “Thank you for coming!”

“Of course. Let’s get started shall we?” Mr. Mazzara said, putting his stuff down.

Big Red led some stretches and Ricky led some vocal warmups. There was no side chatter throughout both, a rarity for this group. Then, Red started teaching choreography for Totally Fucked.

“So Kourtney and I are going to rehearse with you guys today and if Miss Jenn and Mr. Mazzara want to watch and give feedback, that would be much appreciated.” Big Red said to the cast as they were about to go through a run of the dance. 

Miss Jenn yelled her cue line: “Melchior Gabor, did you write this?”

Ricky started the song: “There's a moment you know you're fucked.­ Not an inch more room to self-destruct. No more moves-oh yeah, the dead-end zone. Man, you just can't call your soul your own.” Throughout, he kept looking at Nini, thinking about how the lyrics connected to his relationship with Nini right now.

Red added on: “But the thing that makes you really jump Is that the weirdest shit is still to come. You can ask yourself: hey, what have I done? You're just a fly- the little guys, they kill for fun.“ He directed what he sang to Ashlyn, because what had he done to deserve Ashlyn hiding her truth from him?

Seb and Carlos sang their lines before everyone else came in. “Yeah, you're fucked, all right- and all for spite. You can kiss your sorry ass good-bye. Totally fucked. Will they mess you up? Well, you know they're gonna try.“

As the song continued, Red kept staring down Ashlyn, causing her to stare back. Ricky and Nini kept trying to get each other’s attention. Near the end of the song, half of the cast was almost at each other’s throats. They posed and sang the last line: “Totally fucked!”

Miss Jenn was silent for a second before saying “What happened to you guys? You looked like you wanted to kill each other.” The cast was silent. “Ashlyn, tell me what’s going on.”

She stuttered before saying, “EJ’s 21st birthday didn’t go exactly as planned.”

“Exactly as planned?” Red retorted back.

Miss Jenn cut them off, “So I know Ashlyn and Big Red were involved, who else?”

“EJ’s still kinda mad at me.” Ashlyn revealed.

“Okay, everyone except for those three leave. I’m taking over.” Miss Jenn said, “Kourtney, if you’d like to stay, you can.”

Kourtney made eye contact with Ashlyn and Red, “It would probably be best if I left.” Kourtney packed up her stuff and left, causing Ashlyn’s confidence to shrink.

“Okay, so what happened, EJ?”

“Ashlyn told Gina about something we promised to keep a secret.”

“EJ, I didn’t mean to, she was having a panic attack about her experience with a similar secret and I was rambling and said ‘you’re not alone because EJ’ and didn’t actually tell her what happened. I’m sorry.”

EJ sat still for a second, looking at his cousin. Sure, she can annoy him, but he can’t be mad at her forever. “I forgive you.” EJ leaned over and hugged her. EJ then thanked Miss Jenn and left.

“Now, Big Red, what happened?” Miss Jenn asked.

“I don’t have much to say right now.” Big Red responded. “Ashlyn and I talked about it, and now I’m just waiting for her to tell me the truth.”

“Red, I’m not ready yet. Please understand that.” Ashlyn begged.

“I’ll be waiting.” Red picked up his stuff. “Thank you both for coming, I know this rehearsal wasn’t as productive as it should have been.”

Mr. Mazzara broke his silence, “After working with this group of kids for way too long, I’ve learned that sometimes you need days that don’t seem productive, but they actually are, because if you don’t solve the emotional problems now, they will kick you in the butt later.”

“Thanks.” Ashlyn said, picking up her stuff and leaving.

Chapter Text

“So there’s no specific blocking for this song,” Kourtney explained to EJ and Gina, “so I want to see you guys just try it out.” EJ and Gina got up and got ready to do Don’t Do Sadness/Blue Wind.

EJ sang his verse and then Gina started the scene, “Moritz Stiefel!”

“Ilse! You frightened me!” He hid a prop gun he was holding behind his back. “So where have you been keeping yourself?”

“Priapia- the Artists' colony? All those old buggers, Moritz. All so wild. So ... Bohemian. All they want to do is dress me up and paint me! Oh God, Moritz, the other day we all got so drunk, I passed out in the snow-just lay there, unconscious, all night. Then, I spent an entire week with Gustav Baum.” EJ looked at her with a confused look, “Truly. Inhaling that ether of his! Until this morning, when he woke me with a gun, set against my breast. He said: ‘One twitch and it's the end.’ Really gave me the goosebumps.” Gina was starting to breathe heavily again. “But how about you, Moritz? Still in school?”

EJ looked at her earnestly, “Gina, are you alright?”

“I’m fine, let’s just keep going.” Gina looked back down at her script, trying to concentrate.

“No, Gina.” Kourtney said. “We should have a conversation before we continue.” They all sat down on the ground. “If you don’t want either of us in here for this conversation, that’s okay, but one of us needs to know so that we can help you.”

Gina took a deep breath and looked at her hands. “You guys know that it’s just my mom and me. It wasn’t a healthy divorce by any means. My birth father blamed me, he thought I was the one to ruin their marriage. I was eight or nine at the time. He would beat me and sometimes he would try to touch me.” Gina started to cry. EJ started to rub her back, soothing her. “Turns out he had done the same to my mom, so CPS came to ask me questions just in case and I told them. They got both of us restraining orders against him. Mine lasted until I turned 18, we’re supposed to go back to court in a couple months to renew it.”

“I’m really sorry that happened to you, G. Know that we are always here for you.” Kourtney said.

“Kourtney, could Gina and I have a moment alone?” Kourtney looked to Gina to make sure she was okay being alone and she left.

“Gina, I think maybe I should tell you my story, because you know I have one. As long as it’s okay with you.”

“Yeah, that’s okay.” Gina said softly.

“So, when I was 12 or so, my parents’ drinking habits got a lot worse. They were almost always drunk, and I would always hear them yelling at each other. One night, I couldn’t sleep, so I came down and sat on the couch to watch some TV until I fell asleep. My mom found me and she started touching me, and she made me touch her. She kept this going for a few weeks, and one night, my dad found out. He started beating me. The next day at school, Ashlyn noticed my bruises and told her parents. I have been living with her ever since.”

Gina sat there stunned. Someone else knew her pain. She tried to think of words to say, but none came out. EJ continued to speak. “In the acting classes I’ve taken in college, I’ve learned to separate my trauma from my craft. The first class I took, this old man told us to fixate on memories and made us tell each other our traumas and I would always get flashbacks and it wasn’t healthy. I think that would help you, Ashlyn told me you had a panic attack after doing the scene before Dark I Know Well and you shouldn’t have to suffer like that.”

“Is it okay if I come back in?” Kourtney stood at the door. Gina gestured to her to come over. “I only heard that last part, but yes, separate the scene from the trauma. The character of Ilse doesn’t care about her past, she is too drunk to care, to be honest. You don’t need to have breakdowns every time we do the show, and please don’t. If you ever need to stop, just tell me or Red and we’ll take a break. We have your back, and so does the rest of the cast.”

Gina grabbed Kourtney and EJ’s hands and squeezed them, thanking them for being there for her. “Can we try the scene again?”

Chapter Text

Everyone took their time to get into costumes and get ready for their first tech rehearsal. Kourtney and Red gave a short speech about how today was going to go and then they got started. There weren’t many stops, surprisingly. Gina was able to get through her scenes without panicking, which Kourtney was really proud of. They stopped for a few stumbled cues with classroom benches, but otherwise, no actors called line or anything...until they got to the Act One finale. 

Ricky and Nini sat on a hay bail center stage. “Won't you come out to the meadow now, Melchior? It's dark in here, and stuffy. We can run through the rain, get soaked to the skin-and not even care.” Nini said.

Ricky looked deeply into her eyes, “Forgive me.” 

Nini pulled Ricky into her arms, “It was me. All me.”

Ricky put his head on Nini’s chest, “I can hear your heartbeat.” They kissed. The scene continued, Nini’s character resisting the temptation to be close to Ricky’s, but Ricky’s character insisting that it’s okay.

The ensemble sang, “I believe, I believe, I believe, Oh I believe. All will be forgiven-I believe.”  

Ricky looked at Nini. He knew what was next in the choreography, a moment so similar to their own at EJ’s birthday. Ricky started unbuttoning Nini’s dress. “Wait-” Nini said.

Ricky choked out, “It’s just me.” As the ensemble sang the chorus again, Ricky put his hand on Nini’s thigh, going up her dress. Something in his brain switched. He took his hands away and ran out of the barn. He heard Kourtney calling after him, but he needed to escape. He heard Kourtney call a ten minute break before he left.

Ricky sat on a bench outside of the barn, the same one Gina found when she had her panic attack weeks ago. Nini found him and sat with him. “Everything is okay.” she said, soothing him.

“I’m so sorry.” Ricky said, trying not to cry. He took a deep breath, looking at Nini. “I need to tell you something.”

“You can tell me anything.” Nini smiled, patting his knee.

“I found a term for all of this that I’ve been feeling. The reason why I couldn’t have sex with you and the fact that I’ve never wanted to have sex with anyone.” Ricky looked at Nini, who had a reassuring smile. “I’m asexual.”

Nini hugged him, “I’m so proud of you, Rich.” She pulled away from the hug slightly to make eye contact with him, “I love you.”

“I love you, too, Neens.” he put his head on her shoulder, “Thank you for always being so amazing.”

“That’s what I’m here for.” she joked, “Seriously, though, we can have a conversation later about boundaries and what you are okay with. Can I kiss you on the cheek?” Ricky nodded as she did so.

In the barn, Ashlyn finally mustered up the courage to do something she should have a long time ago. “Red, can we go somewhere and talk?” Red nodded anxiously as they found two swings under a big tree.

“What’s up?” Red asked, hoping she was finally going to talk to him for real.

Ashlyn took a deep breath. “I love you. You are someone I want in my life for as long as I can. Nothing will ever change that.”

“I love you too, Ashlyn.” Red responded, wondering where she was going with this.

“Oh god I feel like I need to just say it or else it’ll never come out.” Ashlyn laughed to herself because of her unintended pun before taking a deep breath and looking at Red’s reassuring smile. “Red, I’m gay.”

Big Red got up and hugged her, giving her the biggest hug he could. “I’m so proud of you, Ash. Thank you for telling me.”

Ashlyn started tearing up. “I’m sorry it took me so long.”

Red pulled away and wiped the tears from her eyes. “You don’t have to apologize. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“So, you and Kourtney, huh?”

Ashlyn laughed and playfully punched him in the arm. “She told me I needed to talk to you before she would talk to me about whatever next step we’re gonna take.”

“Can I ask you something? How did you know you were gay?”

Ashlyn figured out what Red was alluding to, “Well, we have a connection that’s special. It’s almost romantic, but it’s not. The only difference is when I kiss you, not to be rude, but I feel nothing. When I even look at Kourtney, I feel everything. I want to get to know her, to feel her, to kiss her, you name it. Also the fact that I’ve had a crush on Zendaya since I was eight.”

Red laughed, but he couldn’t stop thinking. He wanted that feeling with Ashlyn, but he felt more when he looked at-

“Hey, Kourtney wants us all back for notes on act one.” Ricky said, walking back inside.

Shit.

Chapter Text

The cast all were getting ready in Seb’s house. The day of the performance had arrived and the show was as good as it could be. There was nothing to worry about, which worried Kourtney. She knew something could happen to ruin this show at any moment and she desperately didn’t want that to happen.

Before the doors opened, the cast assembled in the barn. Their set was finally done, just some painted benches and hay bales, but they loved it still. Big Red and Kourtney got everyone in a circle, they held hands and took some breaths together. “Thank you for letting me direct my first show with you,” Kourtney said, “I really appreciate you giving me this chance. Though we had ups and downs, I could not have asked for a better cast, and set of best friends.”

“As I accidentally said to Ricky years ago, ‘You’re my guys and this is our spam.’” Red said, causing everyone to laugh, “I love you all. Let’s kick this show’s ass!” The group cheered and went outside as they waited for the audience to come in.

Gina realized she left her water bottle in Seb’s house, so went to go get it. As she walked past the audience walking in, she heard a familiar voice. “Genevieve, it’s nice to see you.” Gina had no time to think, she ran back to where her friends are without a word. She heard some shouts from the man, but he didn’t follow her.

“Gina! You okay, you look like you just saw a ghost!” Ashlyn said, concerned.

“He- he’s here.” Gina choked out. She looked at EJ. He nodded, knowing she was referring to her birth father.

“You needed your water bottle, right?” EJ asked Gina, to which she nodded. “Ricky, come with me.” EJ and Ricky walked in the direction of the house. Ricky split off to get Gina’s water bottle and EJ went up to a man who he assumed to be here for Gina. “Who are you here to see?”

“My Genevieve.” The man replied. “I haven’t seen her since her mother and I split. I wanted it to be a surprise, but you know Genevieve, she’s too smart for her own good.”

“Yeah, she is.” EJ looked into the man’s eyes, seeing a similar glint he saw too often as a child. He clenched his fists. “You need to leave.”

“This is public property, you can’t stop me.”

“It’s actually private property, and I can.” EJ punched the man’s face, causing him to stumble backwards.

The man looked at EJ, realizing he wouldn’t win this fight. “Take care of Genevieve. She needs a man like you or me.”

“Fuck off. Leave. Now.” The man got the hint and left the barn, getting in his car, and driving away. EJ went back to where the cast was waiting and saw Ricky had returned with Gina’s water bottle. “He’s gone. Are you okay, Gi?”

Gina nodded and pulled EJ into a hug. “Thank you.” She whispered so only he could hear. He nodded and patted her back. She separated and looked at her friends, “Let’s get this show started, shall we?” The group smiled at her and went to their positions for the first scene.

The show had been going off without a hitch. Gina’s scenes had much more power than they had before. The sex scene happened without Ricky freaking out (he did laugh when Nini forgot one of the moves, but he recovered quickly.) It was time for their favorite song in the show, Totally Fucked.

The cast was doing the choreography perfectly. The vocals were the best they had ever sounded. Until, Carlos looked into the audience. He saw his family. There was a pit in his stomach and as everyone was singing the last chorus, he ran offstage. Seb noticed and followed him. “Babe, what are you doing?” Seb asked.

“I can’t do this.”

“Of course you can, honey! You’re the only person who can do this.”

“My family hasn’t seen me perform before and I’m not an actor, I never should have made myself think that.”

“Carlos.” Seb kissed his boyfriend. “Count your blessings and dance your heart out.” Carlos smiled, remembering when he said that to the other years ago.

“Bop to the sky, baby.” Carlos said, walking onstage just in time for their duet.