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I'm going under and this time I fear there's no one to save me
This all or nothing really got a way of driving me crazy
The sound of shoes scraping along hardwood floors accompanied by the yells of players echoed throughout the walls of the gym where Seirin Men's Basketball Team trained. It was just another afternoon of preparing for the Interhigh, nothing was amiss – except for the pass that weeks ago would have been flawlessly delivered.
The yells quickly fell into a deafening silence, only the sound of the ball bouncing away and the panting of the players as they tried to catch their breath could be heard in the gym. Practice came into a halt as they were torn between watching the ball that missed its target or their pale teammate that remained stoic even after such a blatant mistake – a mistake that had occurred five times that afternoon alone. Aida Riko, the lone female and coach, gave a sigh.
"Kuroko-kun, take a break for today. Furihata-kun, you're up," she said, her tone bringing forth no arguments, even from the recipient. It was worrying that one of their key players was making such frequent mistakes and the source of it unknown. If only Kagami-kun were here, she thought but quickly fanned it away. Their ex-ace had flown to America a month and a half prior to begin his training and they need not bother him with such trivialities.
Kuroko trailed towards the bench despondently and settled down to watch as the practice game continued. He remained silent, his fist clenched as he silently berated and cursed himself for the mistakes that he had committed. He was supposed to be fine, damn it.
But he wasn't.
Practice seemed to go on forever as Kuroko sat on the bench, silently watching his teammates. He wanted to be on the court, but he also didn't. It was a mess. He was a mess. And to be honest, it surprised him that it was only becoming more noticeable now, even to himself.
It wasn't supposed to be like this. He was supposed to be getting stronger, getting better. Not wallowing about the past. And yet, there he was. Benched because he couldn't even focus without seeing remnants of Kagami everywhere on the court. Benched because he was distracted, wanting Kagami to be there instead of halfway across the world. But Kagami wasn't there. So, Kuroko remained silent until practice ended.
It was easy enough to get away from the team after practice had ended. He was invisible again to the team without Kagami's presence being such a beacon. The silence followed him as he walked blindly. He had no intention of going home just yet, so he wandered.
He didn't think he'd end up in a basketball court. Or maybe he did, but just didn't want to acknowledge it. This was where they played after all. He watched as people ran around playing basketball while he tried not to think. Not to remember.
But that was impossible. Not while he stood here so blatantly alone.
This place was theirs after all. Even if there was no them anymore. He didn't know what hurt more: the reminder that they were over or the memory of days gone past.
I need somebody to heal, somebody to know
Somebody to have, somebody to hold
"It didn't have to be you." Lies. Lies. Lies.
They weren't, but now they were. Kuroko didn't think that anyone could replace Kagami now. Not because they weren't as strong as him, but because he didn't trust anyone the same way that he trusted Kagami. Not since Aomine.
Even so, the amount of faith that Kagami had in him was humbling. The redhead was capable where he was not and to know that he was valued because he was part of the team and not because he was the Phantom Sixth Man brought forth goosebumps that raised down his arms.
Winter Cup. A new style of basketball that would still be his. The thought made him look forward to the coming days. Look forward to basketball again. Healing. A small part of him pondered if it was because Kagami was encouraging him. The thought made his heart skip a beat and a blush stain his cheeks. Good thing it was dark.
"You still suck at everything besides passing." "How did you know I was here?"
Kaijou. Touou. The match brought about memories that Kuroko really did not want to deal with. While he was glad that there had been progress with Kise's turnabout, seeing Aomine's attitude plagued Kuroko with self-hate. The memories. The weakness.
His heart beat wildly in his chest as the match refused to leave his mind. Kise's determination that proved to be near-useless against Aomine's sheer talent. Would his own determination yield the same results? Kuroko could not bring himself to ponder on it the same way he pondered on the improvements that the other Generation of Miracles surely underwent.
Kagami would not let him ponder though, whether he was doing it unconsciously or not as he ran through the court, waiting for Kuroko to pass the ball. And he did. And with a simple dunk, Kuroko could feel just a tiny bit of hope returning, while Kagami just grinned, as if knowing what he had given.
Kuroko picked up the ball and stared. "Let's go back," Kagami said and he remembered that he had left without so much as a word to the team. "Hai," he nodded before packing up his things and picking up Nigou.
As soon as they were about to leave, Kagami grabbed his free hand and began to drag him towards the direction where their teammates were hopefully still waiting. "Kagami-kun, you're dragging me." The redhead flinched and slowed his pace, red staining his cheeks as he resolutely faced forward, not letting go of the much smaller and paler hand in his.
"I'm making sure you don't run off again," Kagami grumbled and Kuroko smiled before squeezing the hand that was holding his. They just knew and that was enough.
"Kagami-kun, let's go on a date," Kuroko approached Kagami one day after practice had ended and they were left on cleaning duty while the rest of the team headed off to the showers.
"E-e-eh?! D-d-d-date?!" the redhead yelled, his face matching the color of his hair, which amused Kuroko. Bemusement was also present however, especially since they had been going home together for the past few weeks while holding hands. And they agreed to a relationship days after the Kaijou vs. Touou match. It was only reasonable they go on a date.
"Hai. A date," he nodded, the barest of his bemusement showing on his features. "O-o-okay," the taller one stammered out, the blush failing to recede. In fact, it looked to be getting worse. "Excellent, I'll meet you outside the gym after showering," he said before leaving the rest of the cleaning to his boyfriend. It'll be a while before he recovers after all.
It was an hour later before they were both ready to go. Kagami, with his cheeks stained red, grabbed Kuroko's hand and began to march towards the gates before the smaller boy stated that they should slow down. It was amusing to watch Kagami so flustered when he was usually so confident and sure of himself. It was endearing.
"So, where should we go?" Kagami asked, snapping Kuroko out of his thoughts pretty quickly.
"I don't know."
The redhead stopped walking rather abruptly. "What do you mean you don't know?! This was your idea!" he exclaimed before taking a deep breath and pinching the bridge of his nose. All the while, Kuroko just stood there unfazed by the whole thing. "Fine," the taller male grumbled before resuming the walk, pulling Kuroko along to God knows where.
Minutes later, they arrived at the fastfood that they frequent. Kuroko found them a table while Kagami ordered at the counter for the both of them. Ten cheeseburgers for him and a cheeseburger and vanilla milkshake for Kuroko – the former of which Kuroko stared at questioningly. "You don't eat enough," Kagami said with a shrug as he began to devour his food.
"Is this a date?" Kuroko asked as he began to drink his milkshake. "Why wouldn't it be?" Kagami answered with a question, although he really was confused as to why it couldn't be considered a date. "We go here all the time," Kuroko replied evenly. "So? The other times were a date too. I'll take you somewhere nicer on Sunday since we don't have practice."
The blue-haired boy blushed, thinking that he had been worked up for nothing now that he thought about it. Meanwhile, the redhead merely shrugged and continued eating, looking nothing like the blushing boy that he was barely half an hour ago.
The pair of them continued eating and after the initial awkwardness, fell into easy conversation – none of which concerned the Generation of Miracles. They talked about Kuroko's middle school clubs, Kagami coming back to Japan, their schoolwork, Kagami's culinary skills and Kuroko's novel collection. Before they knew it, it was already getting late.
"Let's go for a few baskets and then call it a night?" Kagami asked as he begun to clear up their table and Kuroko nodded his agreement.
That night, right before they went on their own ways, Kagami leaned down and pressed a kiss on Kuroko's cheek that left them both blushing the rest of the way home. Kuroko knew then that it didn't really matter even if they never went on a date again, as long as he had this with Kagami.
A trying day. That was definitely how one could describe the day that they participated in the street basketball tournament.
Between meeting Murasakibara, Kagami's reunion with Himuro, and Satsuki's visit, Kuroko was just ready to end the day altogether. It was obvious that there had been no progress with Murasakibara or Aomine. And there was history between Kagami and Himuro that Kuroko had yet to know. He knew he didn't need to know, but with how his boyfriend had been acting, Kuroko figured that he would be finding about it sooner rather than later.
And so, after walking Momoi part of the way home, Kuroko turned back the way he came towards Kagami's apartment. He had been there once when they had decided to eat in for dinner instead of going to their usual place, so he didn't have any trouble finding his way. Curious as he was about Himuro, Kuroko had no intention of confronting Kagami about it. Rather, all he wanted was to spend some time alone with his boyfriend after the day's events.
The walk was quick and in no time at all, he was ringing the doorbell, Kagami opening the door not even a minute later – shock written clearly on his face. Before he could even get a word out though, he was pulled into the apartment and collided with the taller male's chest before being engulfed by his boyfriend's arms, the door closing behind him. As it turned out, the day had been just as stressful for Kagami.
They spent moments just standing there, Kagami embracing Kuroko while the smaller male held on to the fabric of his boyfriend's shirt at the waist. It was only when Kuroko spoke, "Kagami-kun, I can't breathe," that Kagami snapped out of his reverie and let go of the much smaller man. Before the redhead could start apologizing however, Kuroko dragged him towards his bedroom, laid down on his bed and looked up at him expectantly.
Kagami blushed bright red to the point where he was sure that steam was coming out of his ears and blood dripping down his nose. "K-K-Kuroko?!" "Kagami-kun is thinking dirty things. I just want to lay down while we talk." If possible, this caused Kagami to blush even brighter than his hair as he made his way over to the bed – cursing as he did so, then, laying down next to Kuroko and spooning his boyfriend.
They talked about America and Himuro. They talked about bits and pieces of Teiko. They talked until it grew late and they both fell to slumber. That was the first time Kuroko stayed the night – in the comfort of Kagami's arms.
It's easy to say, but it's never the same
I guess I kinda liked the way you numbed all the pain
"It's a useless effort."
The words kept ringing in his ears. Kuroko knows that he should not let it affect him, but Aomine's words had always had a stronger effect on him than anyone from the Generation of Miracles. Of course, Kagami's words held more impact now, but that didn't lessen Aomine's at all. Kuroko had tried to remain impassive about it however, and he was pretty sure that he was managing to fool everyone.
"OY KUROKO!" Well, almost everyone. "Yes, Kagami-kun?"
The redhead huffed. "I've called your name ten times already. I said, did you want another milkshake? You've been slurping from an empty cup for about five minutes now," Kagami asked, his eyes narrowing as if trying to determine what was making him space out. "Is this still about what that jerk Ahomine said to you in the match?" the redhead's eyes narrowing even further, scrutinizing Kuroko.
The words rang in his head once more. It was his eyebrow twitching that gave him away to his boyfriend. "I knew it!" Kagami exclaimed, garnering the attention of many of the patrons of the diner they frequent. "There is no need to shout," the smaller boy admonished which calmed the redhead a few notches.
"I am gonna get that jerk and I'm going to beat him up," Kagami grumbled as he devoured his burgers faster as if it would give him strength. Or maybe he was pretending that the burgers were Aomine? Kuroko wasn't entirely sure. "There is no need for violence," Kuroko reminded.
"He hurt you." He snorted, as if he needed Kagami to remind him of that tiny fact. "You can't beat up everyone that hurts me. Besides, I can handle myself," the bluenette argued while his boyfriend merely huffed. "I know that. But I can sure try."
"What if when you hurt me?" Kuroko challenged and it was then that Kagami froze for a moment and settled back into his seat, as if thinking the question and rolling it over and over in his head.
"I'll just try my best not to."
"Besides, between my past with Tatsuya and my future with you, it's obvious which I treasure most."
It should have made Kuroko happy really. And it did. But it wasn't only just happiness there. There was also a tinge of sadness, because Kagami shouldn't have had to choose. He shouldn't have to discard whatever he treasured just because his priorities had shifted.
Those were the thoughts that Kuroko held on to as he clutched the ring on his palm before putting it in his own bag for safekeeping. He wasn't about to throw such a precious memento, even if it had been Kagami that insisted it happen. They were both being idiots anyway except that it wasn't the time to set them both straight.
After the game, however, was a different story. And Kuroko had no problems letting Kagami just what he thought of the bullshit he had been spouting earlier in the game. He had looked so pained when he had asked for the ring to be thrown away, even more so when he had chosen his future with Seirin – with Kuroko – even though he shouldn't have had to.
And so, when Kagami finally got his head on straight, Kuroko watched him go with a smile. At least, maybe this time the idiot will figure out that even though things can never be the same, it doesn't mean that things won't be alright.
He really did have an idiot for a boyfriend.
"You're just determined on not wanting to be forgiven," Kagami had said earlier. Kuroko pondered on these words as he took care of the dishes after everyone had left. He had already decided to stay the night with how late it had gotten.
That and it was such an exhausting day. Between the match with Kaijou and all that happened with it and then telling the story of their Teiko days, Kuroko was beyond exhausted. He'd rather rest up in Kagami's apartment for the night and they could both show up for the final tomorrow. Besides, someone has to make sure that the idiot actually sleeps.
The pair of them worked efficiently to clean the remaining trash and dishes and put in their uniforms in the laundry machine so that it'd be washed and dried by tomorrow. After a quick shower, both of them were settled in bed, waiting for sleep to take over.
"Ne, Kagami-kun?" Kuroko called out into darkness before he felt the arms around him tightening in reply and a soft hum from the person spooning him. "Do you really think I was wrong? All this time?" his voice sounded soft, even to his own ears and he disliked how vulnerable it sounded. "I don't think you've been wrong the whole time," Kagami replied, sounding awfully close to his ear that he shivered. "There were just some things that could have been handled differently. Even so, you can't blame yourself. You were still young, and you were hurting and confused and many other things."
Kuroko pondered upon this. He didn't think of himself as young back then, but it was likely because it had only been about a year since the fallout in Teiko, so he hadn't age much since then. But overall, he was young – barely sixteen. Even with how logical and emotionally unattached he tried to deal with decision making, he wasn't infallible. He could make wrong decisions because of his emotions running high or biases clouding his judgment.
And that only included the way he handled things with the Generation of Miracles. Shigehiro was his friend. But so were the Generation of Miracles. There was a definite conflict of interest there.
"Kagami-kun was surprisingly mature there," he said, and he felt the body behind him tense and knew that he had instantly hit a nerve. "I can be mature," Kagami said rather stiffly. "Hai, hai," a teasing tone ran through Kuroko's words and before he knew it, he was being turned to face his rather annoyed boyfriend and lips were upon his.
That night Kuroko stopped thinking about the pain of the past and instead focused on his lover, getting less sleep than they originally planned but not regretting it one bit.
Now the day bleeds into nightfall
And you're not here to get me through it all
Kuroko could feel his teeth gritting at the memories, his fists remaining clenched at his side as he tried to remain collected at the onslaught. They were too much and yet too little. There weren't enough memories and yet there were too many. He didn't know what to do, just that he couldn't go on like this. Except… Everything is easier said than done.
"Tetsu-kuuuuun~!"
Kuroko already knew who was calling even before someone collided with his back causing him to lose his balance, he and Momoi falling to the ground in a heap of limbs. "Momoi-san," he greeted as they righted themselves. "What brings you here?" he asked, though already had a few guesses. She didn't live in this area, and since Aomine wasn't with her, he could only think that she was around to update her data on Seirin. Or had already done so and was on her way back.
"I was on my way home when I saw you! Let's go grab dinner together!" she exclaimed as she linked their arms and dragging him to the nearest place that sold food. The fastfood that he and Kagami used to frequent.
A weight settled on the pit of Kuroko's stomach although he couldn't quite muster up the courage to speak up and tell Momoi that he did not want to go and before he knew it, they were already there, lined up at the counter. He had not been inside the restaurant since Kagami had gone on to America and he did not know whether to be relieved or devastated that nothing had changed in the place. Of course, nothing would change, he berated himself. It had only been a month and a half after all.
It took some coaxing from Momoi before Kuroko finally managed to order and they were seated in one of the more secluded tables of the diner. It wasn't nearly dinnertime yet so there were quite a lot of customers milling about, Kuroko observed. The silence between him and Momoi as they ate was strained, neither really knowing what to say. Kuroko was uncomfortable in the diner and Momoi could tell that her former crush – and maybe still – was nowhere near fine, even before they reached the restaurant.
"Tetsu-kun, how have you been coping?"
Momoi Satsuki was one of the few that knew full well the details of the relationship that he had shared with Kagami up until it ended. Not only that, but she also knew about the grief that he dealt with when the Generation of Miracles fell apart. How could she not? She suffered alongside him and prayed for the change that was now a reality. There was no point in lying to her. Even if she didn't know what happened between him and Kagami, her penchant for gathering data and her keen eye would easily detect his lies.
"Not as well as I'd hope," he replied tersely before sighing. There was no reason to snap at her after all. "I am not performing as well as I could have been but the rest of the team is coming along nicely even without Kagami-kun," he said, barely managing to choke out Kagami's name. Thankfully, Momoi didn't say anything.
"I think," he paused trying to get his thoughts in order, but he barely could. "I am confused."
The questioning glance that Momoi gave him prompted him to explain further. "I am grateful that things between the Generation of Miracles have been smoothed over. Everyone appreciates basketball again and they enjoy playing. It is nice that we have a get together every now and then to play together and have all become friends. The team is also great. We have new freshmen that are training hard, and the seniors are determined more than ever to win the Interhigh. Everything is great." Kuroko's tone remained stoic as he rambled. The only indication of his anxiety was that he was starting to speak faster even as he tried to stem the emotions. He was a shadow after all. Should be capable of locking it all away. And yet there were that refused to be locked away.
"But?" Momoi's voice cut through his attempt to keep the emotions at bay.
"But," he whispered. "I wish Kagami-kun were here."
"I wish he was here to attend practice. I wish he was here to argue with the senpais and scold the freshmen. I wish he was here to fall asleep in class because he had been too stubborn to sleep the night before. I wish he was here devouring at least ten burgers. I wish he was here cooking or telling Coach that she shouldn't put vitamin pills in the curry just because it was healthy. I wish he was here so he can get into fights with Aomine-kun and Midorima-kun. I wish he was here yelling for all the world to here that he is going to be the best basketball player there is. I wish…" Kuroko's tirade was cut short as he tried to control his breathing. His fists were clenched so hard as they rested on the table. Emotions were just spilling out of him. Emotions that he kept a tight lid on since the day Kagami flew to America. "I just… I wish he was here," he said closing his eyes, as if it would help him control the raging tide inside of him.
Momoi looked at him sadly through it all. "You still love him, don't you?" It wasn't really a question. She knew the answer already.
Even so, his silence was telling enough.
I let my guard down and then you pulled the rug
I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved
America.
It was the last bit of news that they expected to get. Kagami explained it to Kuroko in a rush since they were on their way to meet with the rest of the basketball team to watch a pretty important streetball game. Kagami had an offer to be trained for the NBA and should he accept, he would move to America before school started in three weeks.
They did not have time to talk about it though, for the very same day that Kagami got the offer, they got roped into a match that would take place in seven days. Every day of that week was filled with rigorous training that left Kuroko exhausted to his very bones that he could barely think of holding such a serious conversation with his boyfriend.
He didn't even know if Kagami had already made a decision. Though with his boyfriend's dream and love for basketball, Kuroko already knew what the answer would be.
Kagami would go to America.
It was only a matter of Kuroko preparing for his departure. He didn't know yet his own plans or how they would make their relationship work but he would be prepared for when Kagami told him just so he would be able to support him fully.
It wasn't till after the match with Jabberwock that Kagami pulled him aside wanting to talk to him. Kuroko took a deep breath as they went to a secluded area of the arena, preparing himself to keep a lid on his emotions when Kagami tells him that he would be flying to America within the next ten days. Why else would he call on the rest of the team after all?
"It's been a little busy around here so I haven't gotten the chance to tell you yet," Kagami began rather awkwardly while he scratched the back of his head. Kuroko tried to be impassive even as turmoil wreaked havoc within him as he waited for Kagami to deliver the news. "I'm turning down the offer to America."
"Eh?" It was Kuroko's turn to be confused. But it was not just confusion that was settling into his very being.
"Well, you know. The Interhigh will be starting soon along with the new year, and I've been looking forward to playing with the senpais before they graduate you know?" Kuroko merely stared at his boyfriend as if not really seeing him. "And the Generation of Miracles will be playing there too and I just can't wait to crush them all over again," Kagami said, a look of determination plastered on his face. But where there should be determination in his eyes, Kuroko could only see uncertainty.
And Kuroko just knew that what he was feeling was dread. He had thought that he would have been happy if Kagami chose to stay, they could continue on with their lives, their relationship and playing basketball. After all what boyfriend wouldn't be happy if their partner had chosen to stay? Kuroko didn't expect that Kagami deciding to stay would cause him more pain than Kagami choosing to go.
"Besides, if I went, I'm not going to be seeing any of the guys in a long time," Kagami said with a nervous chuckle before taking hold of Kuroko's hand, and looking at him with so much emotion – love, sadness, resignation. "I won't be seeing you for a long time."
At least two years by Kuroko's own calculation. His family couldn't afford trips to America easily, not to mention the travel documents needed. And this time, Kagami couldn't afford to just travel to Japan at the drop of a hat given that he would be busy with school and intensive training and games. He knew all that. And he felt sick. Sick that he was the reason that Kagami decided not to go. He felt sick that Kagami was choosing him over his lifelong dream.
He absolutely hated it.
He hung his head in defeat. Kagami had already decided that he would stay and with the stubbornness of his boyfriend, Kuroko knew that he had no chance of convincing the man to just accept the offer. To not reject it. Especially since he looked so torn about the decision that he had made. Regret was already there in his eyes and he had not even given his supposed answer yet to Alex.
"Kagami-kun," he called, never lifting his head, though he could feel the weight of his boyfriend's gaze on him. "Let's break up."
"W-what? But why?!" Kagami bellowed, his emotions getting the better of him. Kuroko couldn't blame him; he was barely reigning in his emotions himself. "Because I love you," the blue-haired boy answered simply. "That doesn't even make any sense! If you love me then why are you breaking up with me?! You're not making any sense Kuroko!" Kagami had let go of his hand in his tirade, scratching the back of his head in clear confusion and agitation.
"I love you and I don't want you to be unhappy in a relationship with me," Kuroko explained, trying to be as calm as possible, to not let his emotions slip. One crack would be all it took for this to fail because he wouldn't be able to go through with it. Or Kagami would see through his façade completely. "What are you talking about?! I am not unhappy! I am perfectly happy with you!"
"But you won't always be." A small, sad smile graced Kuroko's features as he thought of the months ahead if Kagami really did reject the offer just so they could be together. "You're going to regret turning down the offer in America one day." "How can you even say that?! How can you say that I will regret it?! I love you and I want to be with you!" Kagami was bellowing almost non-stop now that Kuroko can only be thankful that they had situated themselves far from everybody else. "Because you already do," he whispered.
"You already regret it and you haven't even turned it down yet. I love you and I can't let you throw away your dreams just so we could stay together," the sad smile didn't want to leave his face anymore. He figured that that was better than breaking down in tears. Because that is really what he wanted to do right now. But he wouldn't. "Then why break up?! You want me to go to America? Fine! I'll go! Just don't break up with me," Kagami's bellowing was ceasing, a pleading note replacing it. One that Kuroko decided did not suit his confident lover at all. "Because of this," he said as he finally looked at Kagami, gesturing to the pleading that he was doing.
"I don't want you to go to America just because I told you to go. Just because I decided for you. I want you to go to America because it's what you wanted before we got together. It's what you wanted while we were together up until you got that call. I want you to go because it's your dream and right now I can't be part of that dream. Right now, all I am is a distraction," Kuroko found himself proud that he did not choke on his words as he reasoned with Kagami. The redhead becoming silent as he pondered even though he looked frustrated and wanted to disagree with Kuroko with all his might except he couldn't find the words to disagree.
Because there were none.
Looking at Kagami, Kuroko brought both his hands to cup the taller boy's face. He gave a small smile as he pulled Kagami's face towards him, the other boy giving no resistance. There was only resignation by the slump of his frame. Touching their foreheads together, Kuroko looked into the eyes of the person he loved. Loved enough to let go, loved enough to fight for. "There's still ten days for you to decide, and this time," his breath caught in his throat as he found it much harder to struggle against his emotions when looking at Kagami in the eyes. When he was letting Kagami see him, not all of him, no – lest the idiot decide to stay because this was destroying Kuroko. "This time I want you to decide for yourself, for your future, for your dreams. Not ours . Just yours ."
Closing his eyes, Kuroko leaned in for a kiss, his lips pressing against Kagami's. The kiss was salty with the tears that ran down Kagami's face. It was also gentle and spoke of broken promises and hearts. It never escalated to the tongue-clashing, passion-filled, mind-blowing kisses that they had shared. No. This remained gentle, slow, caressing, as if it would last forever.
But it wouldn't. It was Kuroko that pulled away first. "One day," he whispered.
"One day, if you'll have me, I'll be there, cheering you on, no matter what you decide to do."
And then he left.
An hour and a half later, Kagami announced to the team that he was going to America.
Five days later, Kagami went to America.