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It shouldn't have bothered him as much as it did.
It's not as if something as intangible as a nickname was meant to be possessed by him and only him. But he couldn't help it. He couldn't help it, yet Tadashi still felt utterly controlled by the chains of envy wrapping around him.
The summer training camp, and now the first year's training camp. It seemed that every time Tsukishima attends a camp with other schools, he lets people take the nickname Tadashi had valued so much for years. But again, it wasn't a Tadashi-exclusive nickname, no matter how much he wanted it to be.
He hates this feeling that he thought he buried months ago, before it flared up again, closer and more unbearable than before.
So he tells Tsukishima about it during a visit from him. He was sitting against the wall that his bed was pushed up against, while Tsukishima sat against the edge of his bed, both of them quiet.
"Hey, Tsukki?" Nerves jumped at him and clung to his shoulders, but he flicked them off, desperate to find some closure or reassurance from this issue of his.
"What is it?" Tsukishima asks, eyes focused on the book he's reading at the moment. It holds information on various fossils, so Tadashi's not surprised that his attention isn't fully on him. He knows he's listening, though.
"Doesn't it bother you when, um, other people call you that? Call you "Tsukki"? When, you know– I kind of..." He trails off, feeling very self-conscious all of a sudden. Maybe it was too narcissistic of him. Self-absorbed. Even if it was something important to him, Tsukishima might not have thought so. The room was silent for a minute or two, and Tadashi thought the world might as well have swallowed him up whole.
"It's kind of silly to be hung over something like that, Yamaguchi," Tsukishima said finally, turning a page in his book. "So stop thinking about it."
Tadashi stared at him, shoulders drooping, before flopping down face first into his pillow. "I know, Tsukki."
It felt as if his ankles were shackled, and vines were dragging him down, down, down. He was right. It was stupid, and he knew this. But he couldn't help but feel that Tsukishima didn't care. Tsukishima didn't care about the fragility of the importance of his nickname. Tsukishima didn't care about the vulnerability of how available it seems to be, when it was never as apparent before. Tsukishima didn't—
"Tadashi."
A soft, quiet murmur pierced through Tadashi's whirling thoughts, sharp and thorough in cutting off every single despondent word that had been running through his mind.
He whipped his head up, but Tsukishima's back was still facing him, his expression hidden, and his face tilted away from Tadashi's view. There was nothing that hinted at a difference in the atmosphere, so Tadashi thought he must've imagined it. Still, he kept his eyes trained on the blond, a feeling akin to hope stirring within him.
"Ta. Da. Shi." Tsukishima started again, voice slow yet unwavering, and Tadashi's eyes burned holes into the back of his neck, which showcased the light curls that usually caressed it, but also showed off the blush settling onto it. Tadashi said nothing, only feeling relief at the thought that his given name was being uttered so breezily yet meaningfully by his best friend. He's sure that Tsukishima hasn't said his given name in years, after all. So this wasn't something to be so easily brushed off.
"Tsukki?" he questioned, wanting to reach over to him, but he wasn't sure if he could. Still, he shuffled closer towards the edge of the bed, hovering near his head.
"It's shorter than Yamaguchi, you know." Tsukishima explained, turning his head to face him. The emotions swirling within his eyes was so much, that Tadashi didn't know what to make of them. The only feeling he got was the clear want for his understanding, without having to explain it even more. But Tadashi understood, nodding in agreement.
"Kei," he tested, already feeling a little giddy about being handed over something like this. He hasn't said his given name in years either, and not without a -kun tacked onto the end of it. But it felt nice. Right. "Shorter than Tsukki."
It gave him a blooming sort of feeling, and he smiled, watching Tsukishima tear his eyes away and duck his head into his shoulders with a small nod, his neck flourishing red.
"Yeah."
"Kei." A soft voice breaks through the music playing through his headphones, and Kei pulls it off, whipping his head to stare at the owner of the voice.
Yamaguchi stared back at him with a surprised look, and Kei tried to will away the blush that was settling onto his face.
"Oh, wow. That worked." Yamaguchi simply said, blinking.
"W-What do you mean?" Kei asked, cursing the way his voice gave away his own surprise.
He also cursed the way Yamaguchi smiled at him, blessed and quite lovely.
"Saying "Kei" is a lot better in getting a reaction from you," he said, grinning happily yet mischievously. Kei hated it, but loved it at the same time.
"Shut up, Tadashi," he shot back, cheeks flaring.
Kei shouldn't have given Yamaguchi the right to say his first name. Not if it made him feel like this, to hear and say names that meant a lot to the both of them. He knew he was being dramatic, and so did Yamaguchi. He laughed, pleasant surprise coloring his cheeks, and Kei let a rare smile sneak its way onto his face.