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"They want you dead."
The sun was setting and the inn was quiet like a temple of some forgotten god. They were the only people there, except for the owners. No one to overhear them, no one to recognize their faces so far from both Gusu and Burial Mounds.
The no man's land.
Lan Zhan never expected they would need such a place to meet.
"They'll need a lot more than empty threats to frighten me," Wei Ying laughed. There was something sharp and dangerous in his eyes, something unfamiliar. During their studies in the Cloud Recesses, his soul shined like a star, like a supernova. The mere way he smiled made the whole world easier to understand and to live in. One couldn't help but to be drawn to him.
Something truly bad must have happened to Wei Ying during those three months he was lost. His fire wasn't extinguished but burned fiercer and darker, his arrogance bordered on madness. Reasoning with him was like trying to speak with an earthquake or a storm. Lan Zhan had to try anyway.
"They will come for you. You scare them."
"Good. They should be afraid."
Lan Zhan took a deep breath. He wanted the other man to understand that it was not a game anymore, not some silly mischief he'll be able to lie his way out of. Even if by some miracle, crafty tricks didn't ruin his mind and body, the old cultivators would never believe him sane. They would never let him be.
He wanted to tell Wei Ying how worried he was for his safety, how much he needed him to live on. Even if they had to be apart, the knowledge of Wei Ying's continued existence would be enough.
But the words failed Lan Zhan, the way they always did.
Fortunately, the other man was getting better at understanding him. He tried reading the truth from his sighs and from his silences, like they were a foreign language he was determined to learn.
So when Lan Zhan stared, frustrated and upset, Wei Ying's face softened in response. His smile was kind and it almost reached his eyes.
Almost.
"Don't worry, Lan Zhan. I won't get killed. I've come too far for that now."
He reached into space between them but stopped himself just before touching the soft material of the white sleeve.
It haunted Lan Zhan, that almost-touch. His own inability to breach the distance growing between them with every passing second.
Eradicate the evil, set up laws, and then goodness is everlasting.
They parted with no more words or promises, with no closure. Lan Zhan recalled that whole conversation many times in the future. When the clans were getting restless and Wei Ying was spiralling out of control. When they made him a public enemy even though the truth was on his side.
And finally, when he was kneeling on the edge of the cliff in Nevernight, terrified and heartbroken and so, so alone.
I won't get killed.
Wei Ying was wrong in the end, on the one issue that mattered most.
He was just a mortal after all.
#
Lan Zhan came out of his forced seclusion the angriest he's ever been. He was burning with desire to act, to wreck havoc on the old clans. He wanted to watch their proud fortresses turn to ash.
Repentance, they called it, like there was anything he should repent for. Like he was the one in the wrong.
Lan Zhan had a lot to be sorry for, but none of his regrets lined up with the other cultivator's accusations.
He tightened his hold on the sword; coldness of the hilt was familiar and comforting. If his Uncle thought punishment would make him compliant, he had another thing coming.
But retribution could wait. He needed to see his brother first. He needed to know how little Yuan was doing.
And he needed to go to the Nevernight, to look at the bottom of the mountain. Even though he suspected there was nothing left to find.
#
It became a habit, looking into the abyss. Months passed, people moved on and yet Lan Zhan found his treacherous heart leading him to Nevernight, time and time again.
Right after Wei Ying fell, Lan Zhan regretted not jumping after him. That one thought wouldn't let him rest: no matter what, he shouldn't have let go of the other man's hand. They should have drifted together through the smoke and shattered at the bottom of the mountain, their bones twisted together for the whole eternity.
He often dreamed about the empty cliff, about dark clouds of smoke chasing the air out of his lungs. He was slowly getting used to waking up disoriented, unsure what was real and what was just a part of the nightmare. Was hollowness inside of his body something permanent? Should he resign himself to being incomplete, forever wanting?
This very cliff was the place where they spoke about good and evil, where Lan Zhan warned him and doubted him for the last time. It was prophetic in hindsight, but then again, it was always easy to see the signs and patterns of tragedies when they had already happened. He could point out every mistake and every wasted opportunity that lead them to Nevernight, to this vestibule of hell, and the abyss he still sometimes thought about throwing himself into.
There were days Lan Zhan wondered, if meeting Wei Ying was the best or the worst thing that had ever happened to him.
#
Every day felt like a penance.
Lan Zhan kept paying for his cowardice, for his coldness and his distance. For not questioning the old rules soon enough, for not believing in Wei Ying strongly enough.
He paid with loneliness and self-loathing. But he was afraid, the debt like that could never be settled.
Back then, when things just started to go wrong, those three months Wei Ying was missing felt like the longest time of his life. He didn't know, couldn't suspect, that something far worse was awaiting him in the future.
Neither skeleton nor soul was left of him, Wen's soldiers said after Wei Ying got thrown into Burial Mounds. But it wasn't true; even the whole legions of evil spirits were not enough to kill Wei Wuxian. He came back colder and fiercer, but more powerful than ever. Thrown down into hell, he came back it's king.
So where was he now?
Lan Zhan still played Inquiry every morning and every evening. He hoped the other's spirit might eventually submit to being summoned. But maybe he was just fooling himself.
Maybe the only person capable of finally killing Wei Wuxian, was Wei Wuxian himself.
#
Lan Zhan's regrets were numerous, ranging from trivial notions to overwhelming burdens. Any little thing could sent his thoughts back to Wei Ying. Red ribbon in some stranger's hair. Bottles of Emperor's Smile piled up in a market stall. A white rabbit running through the tall grass near the cold stream. The mere sight of his own young disciples was enough to make the memories resurface.
Wei Ying's clever hands reaching for his forehead ribbon, carelessly trying to take it away. Asking to borrow it during the Phoenix Mountain hunt, out loud, not caring that everyone could hear him. Lan Zhan didn't even need to close his eyes to see their wrists tied together by the blue band like the hands of newlyweds. There was no escaping the fact that he was the one who did it, out of his own free will. He didn't hesitate even though his heart was beating so fast, it was a miracle it didn't just flew right out of his chest.
He regretted not telling Wei Ying what it meant to him, having someone else's hands on his most sacred possession. He regretted not trying to understand what it meant to Wei Ying.
But knowing the flirtatious nature of the other man, he was afraid it didn't mean anything, anything at all.
#
"I dream about him sometimes, you know?" Jiang Wanyin told him once, when their paths crossed in Nevernight. His breath smelled strongly of liquor and his eyes were unfocused. "I see him hanging from that cliff and I hesitate. I wake up the moment he lets go. And he
always
lets go."
Lan Zhan felt something constrict inside his chest and to his surprise, recognized the sensation as envy.
He never dreamed about Wei Ying. He wished he did; every night he spoke his name into the dark, hoping, that it might be enough to bring his spirit from the nothingness.
He would break every rule, if only it allowed him to see the other man's face one last time. Even in a dream, even in a nightmare.
Still, no one succeeded in summoning Wei Ying's soul. Was it truly destroyed, torn to pieces by the power of crafty tricks he cultivated? Or was it freely drifting through the space, not wanting to be found?
It's been five years since he fell.
Some part of Lan Zhan couldn't believe Wei Ying was really gone. If that were true, his own body should break down and collapse. There was nothing left for him to desire in this lifetime, nothing to make him feel truly alive.
He should have taken Wei Ying to the Cloud Recesses when there was still time. They could have hidden there, waited for the storm to pass. For the cultivation world to forget about Wei Wuxian. It wouldn't be easy and it wouldn't be quick, but why should they be worried about the passage of time? Immortality, for the ones like them, was more than a dream. They could strive towards it together, slowly making the world a better place in the process. Lan Zhan would try to be more understanding, more forgiving, more...
But that future was never possible to create. Wei Ying wouldn't go with him, wouldn't go against his own principles. Some people said it was pride that caused his downfall, but Lan Zhan knew better. The fearsome Yilling Patriarch could never accept neither injustice nor careless cruelty. He wanted to see the world changed, and was prepared to pay the price for going against the orthodoxy.
He couldn't be tamed, not by Lan Zhan, not by anyone else. The strength of his mind and soul was unparalleled. Just like his stubbornness.
Even if he had the power to do so, even knowing the consequences, Lan Zhan wouldn't change a thing about Wei Ying. He would try to change everything else instead.
#
"I heard he tried to seduce his Senior Sister. And when she refused him and married Jin Zixuan, he went mad with jealousy."
Lan Zhan slowly put his cup on the table, careful not to spill any tea.
"Horrible, horrible! No wonder Clan Leader Jiang was the one to kill him in the end!"
"But what about Second Childe Lan? Wasn't he there also?"
Lan Zhan left the payment on the table and slowly walked out of the inn. His hands were shaking.
There were not many people left on this world who truly knew Wei Ying, who understood his motives and his heart.
Jiang Wanyin seemed desperate to forget all the good parts of their life together; both carefree childhood and vibrant youth. He stubbornly denied the love they shared, tried to make it all meaningless.
But Lan Zhan still remembered the familiarity and desperation with which Jiang Wanyin hugged his brother after his return from Burial Mounds. Despite the harsh words, it was clear he didn't expect to see him again. His relief from the reunion was overwhelming, made the moment so intimate, Lan Zhan felt like he should have averted his eyes. But he didn't and that's how he saw that Wei Ying didn't embrace his brother back. His arms hung uselessly along his sides, his whole body wound tight with tension. It should have been the first warning sign, the first clue that something was broken inside of Wei Ying.
Lan Zhan didn't realize it then. He was too focused on cataloguing all the small changes in the other man. The fact that his smile was darker and sadder, that his words were shaped like weapons. That, for the first time since the day they met, he tried to put the distance between them, tried to push Lan Zhan away.
He regretted not touching him then, not pulling him into an embrace, not allowing his body to take over his mind. He regretted not offering his devotion plainly, in a straightforward way even Wei Ying couldn't mistake for friendship.
It occurred to him that the other man might not want him in the same way, with hopeless and bone aching yearning. He might have stayed with him for a while, even just out of curiosity, and leave when his company became too boring, too tiresome and tedious.
But Lan Zhan was certain that having Wei Ying even for a moment and then getting his heart broken would have been worth it. It would be better than living in a constant state of uncertainty.
He'd never even touched him. Not in a gentle, kind way he wanted. Many times he imagined himself taking off the red ribbon and carding his fingers through Wei Ying's dark hair, tracing the curve of his smile with his fingertips.
He wished he'd taken him back to Gusu. He wished he'd managed to hide him in a place where no one would think to look.
#
What was a soulmate? Was that a person who made you better, or the one who made you into someone else? Was it a good thing, to find such a person, or was it just another kind of curse?
He remembered the shape Wei Ying's lips made around the word. Soulmate. Hard lines of his face softened almost imperceptibly. I once thought of you as my soulmate.
Lan Zhan could still feel the way his heart jumped at the confession. His blood boiled with longing.
I still am.
Not long after that conversation, Wei Ying disrupted the private banquet of the Jin Clan and threatened to kill anyone who'd dare to oppose him. In a room full of esteemed cultivators, no one was brave enough to test the limits of his patience. The anger of Yiling Patriarch was terrible, his madness seeping through the cracks in the charming facade.
Lan Zhan knew that the only way of stopping him in those days, would be to kill him. But even the thought of doing something like that was abhorrent. Hurting him would be equal to destroying a part of himself. So despite strict rules that regulated every aspect of his life ( eradicate the evil ), he had no choice but to allow Wei Ying to escape with miserable survivors of the Wen Clan. It was raining that night, rainfall so severe it seemed like the whole world would be drowned.
Lan Zhan never regretted standing against the wishes of his Uncle, never grieved the punishment he received for rebelling.
The only regret that hunted his thoughts was that he did not go with Wei Ying. Maybe then, the history would have turned out in their favor.
Because Lan Zhan loved him, then. He loved him still, to this very day. Would love him even after death.
If he was granted a second chance, he would not waste it.
#
"Hanguang Jun? Can I come in?" Sizhui's voice was soft and respectful. "I brought tea."
Lan Zhan let the last note of the Inquiry tremble in the warm morning air and invited young disciple inside. Lan Yuan was growing into a handsome, polite and kind-hearted man. He was probably around sixteen years old, almost the same age as Lan Zhan was when he met Wei Ying for the first time.
"Did you sleep well?"
The young man nodded. He poured them both some tea and they drank in peaceful silence, watching the sun climb up the horizon.
"Would you go for a walk with me, Hanguang Jun? The weather is very nice."
At some point, as he grew older, he stopped calling him Wangji. Lan Zhan missed it a little. Missed having him close, watching him play with the rabbits. At least they still had those walks; excuses to leave all the obligations behind, even just for a little while.
"We could go to the waterfall."
Lan Zhan nodded. He never refused the young man's requests, no matter how small or mundane they were. He tried to be a good guardian, to offer all the love and attention he could.
But every time Lan Zhan looked at Lan Yuan, he felt bittersweet. He regretted not being there for him just after Wei Ying fell. Little boy from his memories was full of love and trust. He must have been so scared and confused, to be suddenly left all alone. Longing for his own mother was still fresh in his memory and Lan Zhan couldn't imagine how much worse would it be to, in one moment, lose everything one had ever known. Home, family, safety.
After three years that Lan Zhan spent repenting for his unspoken devotion, Yuan already stopped asking for Wei Ying.
Did he forget him? Was it a blessing or a curse, to forget?
They were supposed to raise Yuan together.
That chance meeting at Yiling's market was his last opportunity to make things right. He should have abandoned his clan's teachings and stayed in Burial Mounds. He could have learned to be happy there, even if the rest of the world branded him a mad man. That scrap of cursed earth could have become a home to him. Because Wei Ying was there.
Now, with the heaviness of the last thirteen years, he knew that it would be enough.
#
"At some point, you'll have to accept the fact that he's dead," Lan Xichen walked up to him and together they watched white rabbits playing in the grass.
"I failed him."
"You did everything you could."
But it was not enough, thought Lan Zhan. One of the rabbits nosed at the edge of his robe, wanting to be petted. He couldn't make himself pick it up.
The worst of the many regrets he had, was not claiming Wei Ying as his own in the face of the world.
He knew they belonged together since the cave, since he saw Wei Ying's body entwined by shadows. His breath stopped then, frozen in his lungs by the thought of losing that bright, impossible man to the darkness.
His heart recognized something in Wei Ying even as his mind was full of doubts. He knew there would be no one else for him. Not in this lifetime and probably not in the next.
He got lucky back then, he managed to drove the shadows away. But he should have realized that from that moment on, they were living on a borrowed time. That the darkness would eventually reclaim Wei Ying.
He knew that his brother was right. At some point, he'll have to accept that no part of Wei Wuxian was left in this world. Nothing substantial except for a wicked legacy and a handful of precious memories locked up in Lan Zhan's own mind.
He'd kept searching for fifteen long years. Despite what his brother promised him, time didn't lessen the pain.
Or maybe he just needed one more year. One more year of mourning and searching and summoning the man who could no longer hear him. One more year of screaming into the void and he'll let everything go. He'll start living again.
Just one more year.
The lie he told himself every year since Wei Ying fell.