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Dan thinks he’s handling the situation pretty well, all considered. It’s not every day you find out that your long-term boyfriend wasn’t even born on the same planet as you.
“How does that work?” Dan had asked. “How do you look so human when you’re … not?”
“Keep your voice down,” Phil reminded him. They were boarding the train to Manchester, where they’d meet up with Phil’s family. The train wasn’t crowded, as it was late evening and the middle of the week, but Phil still looked anxious.
Dan rolled his eyes but decided not to argue. They found two empty seats with the closest other passengers several rows away.
“I am human. Mostly,” Phil whispered back. “It’s just … it’s not my natural form. I had to build this one, kinda. From the inside out. It’s something we can do. It’s really hard, though. And painful.” Phil shuddered. “I don’t really want to do it again.”
“Is that … a possibility?” Dan did his best to keep his voice neutral, he really did, but Phil saw through him. Because of course he did. Dan is notoriously shit at hiding his emotions.
“What’s the matter, Howell? Are you maybe … a little attached to this body?” He wiggled his eyebrows.
“Shut up! I just think it’s impressive that you literally built your own body and you’re still this clumsy.”
Now, hours later, Dan lies next to Phil in Phil’s “childhood” bedroom and can’t stop staring at Phil’s face in repose. It’s creepy, probably, to stare at someone like this, even when you’ve been partners for so long, but Dan can’t help it. He wants to reach out and run his finger along the curve of Phil’s nose. He wants to trace those eyebrows, then dip his hand into that messy hair and massage that weirdly-shaped skull. It’s not sexual (at least, not at the moment); he just can’t stop thinking about how this is a face Phil chose.
Of course, that goes for more than Phil’s face. It’s the whole package. Dan hadn’t been able to stop himself from making the inevitable joke about other decisions Phil had made, you know, size-wise. Phil had turned beet red and sputtered something about finding misleading information on the internet about what was considered average for the human male form.
So yeah. Dan definitely hopes that whatever Phil needs to do to outrun these assholes that are threatening him and his family, it doesn’t involve him changing his entire physical appearance. Not that, you know, Dan wouldn’t love him no matter what kind of flesh prison he was in, because Phil would still be Phil. Nothing could change that. But even though Phil had been teasing at the time, he was right; Dan is attached to this body. The one currently lying next to him, fast asleep, snoring softly.
With a sigh, Dan rolls onto his back, redirecting his gaze to the ceiling. He needs to sleep. It’s nearly impossible, though, with the thoughts rampaging wildly through his head.
Inevitably, those thoughts cycle back to resentment and anger that his boyfriend had lied to him for so many years. That he hadn’t trusted him enough to reveal his true self. Dan knows he’ll need to find a constructive outlet for that anger at some point, that he and Phil will need to properly talk about it, but right now there’s too much going on. And maybe a small, festering kernel of his 18-year-old self is afraid that Phil won’t be able to handle the full scope of Dan’s emotions right now and will opt to leave him behind. After all, his family’s in danger. He doesn’t need a dead weight slowing him down.
Dan’s spiral is interrupted when Phil suddenly rolls toward him, throwing an arm over his chest and snuggling in close.
Dan thinks Phil’s still asleep until Phil mumbles into his t-shirt, “Why are you still awake?”
“Why do you think?”
“Tell your brain to be quiet.”
Dan smiles faintly but he doesn’t answer.
“Aren’t you excited to see a proper spaceship tomorrow?” Phil asks. His words are slurred. Dan knows he’s on the brink of falling right back to sleep.
“Fuck yeah, I'm excited,” Dan says. And that’s actually true, despite everything.
When they had arrived at Phil’s parents’ house, it had been with the expectation of a warm greeting from Kath, Nigel, Martyn, and Cornelia. Instead, the house had been empty. Phil had panicked until they’d found a note from Kath on the kitchen table. Martyn had wanted to look over the ship and make sure it didn’t need any repairs, so they’d driven out to where it was hidden and were planning on staying the night there. Kath promised they’d be back in the morning to pick them up.
Once Phil had gotten over his irritation that no one had bothered to text him about the change of plans, he’d been more than happy to dive into the dinner and cakes that Kath had left them, and then collapse into bed, exhausted and sated.
Dan feels all of the tiredness from their last-minute trip, and he’s just as full of Kath’s amazing cooking, but he still can’t fall asleep.
Finally, he extricates himself from Phil (who is once again snoring peacefully) and goes to the window.
It’s so much darker here than it is in London, and it’s a clear night. Idly, he wonders which of the stars he’s looking at is the one warming the planet that actually birthed the ridiculous man asleep behind him.
Maybe one day he’ll find out.
Maybe one day they can go there.
For now, Dan tells himself to accept the fact that it’s going to be awhile before he has answers to go with all of his questions. He needs to trust Phil, even though Phil lied to him.
He won’t be left behind.