Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

"You never know just what will break you
Till you're picking up the pieces
Never know just what will break you
Till your world, it falls apart
Never know how small your voice is
Till you're screaming at the silence
Never know how small your voice is
Till you're arguing, arguing with God"

(The Colour of Leaving - Parkway Drive)

It’s raining when they make their way to Karasuno, and even though Oikawa wears that flashy smile all the time, Iwaizumi knows that the weather matches his mood perfectly. He’s not fooled by the fake mask Oikawa wears anymore, in fact, he never has been.

Oikawa may be able to read people on the court as if their thoughts were projected on a screen on their foreheads for him, but when it comes to his best friend, Iwaizumi can do just the same.
And right now, if they were alone in Iwaizumi’s room, Oikawa would probably be sobbing into a pillow. Or Iwaizumi’s chest, respectively. Because Iwaizumi knows that Oikawa’s knee hurts due to over-training yesterday, and he knows it’s all because they are facing Kageyama today, and he knows that Oikawa is mad at himself and the world and the fact that he has to play this match in suboptimal condition.

But there’s nothing they can do now and Oikawa is way too proud to back down from this match, so here they are; Oikawa wearing that fake smile and Iwaizumi watching his every move with furrowed brows. He hates that façade, and Oikawa knows that, but the only time he ever really lets down his guard is when they are alone together. Never in public, not even when it’s just the team around.

The mood is dimmed today. Kindaichi is car-sick in the back, Kyoutani is in one of his moods and Yahaba has been sleeping the whole way. Only Mattsun and Makki are cracking their usual jokes, and Oikawa is laughing at it, but it’s an empty laugh though only Iwaizumi notices.

Iwaizumi himself is mostly quiet for the ride. He’s tired himself since he spent almost the entire night and morning studying, trying to cram in as much work as possible before the trip to Karasuno today; and he’s worried about his best friend, as well as the outcome of this match.
It’s just for practice, yes, but nothing is ever really meaningless to Oikawa. And Iwaizumi trusts in his team, he knows that they are strong and they totally can win this, but nobody is in their best state right now and if they do lose he doesn’t know how Oikawa will take it.

The look on his face when he limped out of the gym yesterday after Iwaizumi forced him to quit training, the rage in his eyes and the way he clenched his hands into fists… they have to win today, or Oikawa will go spiraling down again. Iwaizumi wishes Oikawa knew how amazing he was, that he could see his own strength without doubting or comparing himself to others, but he knows his best friend won’t and can’t settle and he will always be afraid of people surpassing him. 
As Kageyama will one day. 
Oikawa knows that will happen, but still he fights with claws and teeth to prevent that day from coming and Iwaizumi never knows if that’s a good thing or not, but he promised to always have Oikawa’s back and so he does. But sometimes he thinks that maybe he’s just participating in Oikawa’s self-destruction and it scares him.

“Oi, Shittykawa,” he interrupts Oikawa as the latter recovers from another bunch of fake giggles aimed at one of Mattsun’s stupid memes. 

Oikawa turns around. The corners of his mouth are ever turned upwards, as if he had glued them there.

They sit in a booth together, Iwaizumi on the window side and Oikawa on the aisle side like it’s always been, because Oikawa likes to interact with the team and walk around during long drives even though coach always yells at him for it.

“What is it?”, Oikawa asks, and Iwaizumi lowers his voice so nobody else will hear. 

“Do you need to stretch your knee? I’ll ask coach for a quick break so everyone can use the bathroom.” 

Something flashes in Oikawa’s eyes, but he keeps up the smile. “Aw, Iwa-chan, are you worried about me?”

Iwaizumi just glares and punches him in the arm. “Just answer the question, Trashykawa.”

But Oikawa shakes his head. “Nah, I’m fine. It doesn’t even hurt.”

Liar liar liar. “Sure thing.”

“It doesn’t! Are you my sister?”

Right now Iwaizumi kind of wishes he was, because maybe then Oikawa would listen. “Oikawa, I swear to god if you’re going to ruin yourself over something like this…”

“I told you, I’m fine!” Oikawa interrupts him and stands up. “Quit worrying so much!”

“Oikawa, sit back down!” coach yells from up front. “Street’s slippery today, we don’t need you hurting yourself here in the bus!”

“Sorry, coach!” Oikawa shouts back, but walks over to where Makki and Mattsun are sitting. There is a seat open next to them, right behind the row where Iwaizumi is sitting, and the latter just huffs in annoyance. Whatever. He can’t force the idiot to listen every goddamn time.

Oikawa makes to sit down, but a yell from Kindaichi in the back makes him freeze. Iwaizumi whirls around, and he doesn’t even have time to fully realize what he’s seeing before there’s a massive lurch and their entire bus is thrown to the side.
It all happens so fast, but it still feels like a movie playing in slow motion when Iwaizumi feels the colossal strain of the impact on the bus, and he tries to grab on to something, fingers closing around the seat where Oikawa has been sitting until only a few seconds ago… Oikawa!

Iwaizumi tries to turn his head, but the impact of the crash sends him flying backwards, his arms can’t hold the grip on the seat and he instinctively pulls them up over his head, just moments before he painfully collides with the window and he can feel something in his shoulder shattering. A scream rises in his throat, but he forces it down with a groan.

The bus is sliding and Iwaizumi can feel its gravity point shifting; a look over his shoulder makes cold fear grip his heart. They’re tipping over.

He whirls around again, eyes focusing, and there he is, there in aisle is Oikawa. The impact has sent him crashing into the seats and he’s holding his head, cowering on the floor. Even through all the screaming Iwaizumi can hear the soft, frightened whimpers.
But still he feels the bus tipping over, and he only has seconds to act.

He lurches himself forward, grabbing Oikawa by the wrists and in a moment of adrenaline-fueled inhumane strength, he pulls his best friend up towards him. Oikawa yells in surprise and pain and Iwaizumi can see the blood trickling down his forehead and neck.

There’s no time to buckle him in, no time to do much at all, so Iwaizumi reacts on instinct alone as he pulls the setter into his arms, wraps himself around him and hopes he can shield Oikawa like this as best as he can from the second impact that is about to come. 
He holds on as tightly as he can, and just a heart-beat later they are falling.

The screams grow louder, and then there is a deafening crash. Iwaizumi feels the impact before the pain comes, but when it hits, it hits hard. It hurts so much that he can’t even scream, he just gasps for air and holds on to Oikawa and prays that it’ll all be over already.

And then, the bus stops. The noise stops. The screams stop.

It’s like somebody muted the whole scene, that’s how quiet it is. When Iwaizumi’s vision goes blurry, he wonders if it really is that silent, or if maybe he just can’t hear it anymore. There’s nothing but pain surrounding him, blinding, sharp pain; and his hands are clutching tightly to the other boy in his arms, praying that he is alright, praying that he’s alive.

Oikawa is the last thing on Iwaizumi’s mind before he loses consciousness.

Oikawa is too shocked to realize any of it. When the truck hits their bus, he is flung to the side and painfully collides with one of the seats next to him, but he’s too shocked to understand what’s going on so he just collapses and curls into himself.
Everything is so loud, people are screaming and glass is shattering and there is so. Much. Sound.

Then, a pair of strong hands grabs him and a second later he’s in Iwaizumi’s arms, but he still doesn’t get what’s happening, he doesn’t know why Iwaizumi holds him this tight, why he wraps himself around Oikawa and tucks his head under his arms, why everything feels so light for one second, and why there’s that loud crashing sound again. He doesn’t get it even when the sound dies down, when Iwaizumi’s grip loosens, when the screaming turns into sobbing.
But then Oikawa sits up, and takes a look at his best friend’s face, and that’s when he snaps out of it.

“Hajime.” The first name rolls of his tongue before he can even think about it, but he doesn’t really notice nor does he really care. “Hajime!” 

He grabs Iwaizumi’s shoulders, still half on top of him, but his eyes are unfocused and stare past Oikawa, blinking slowly.

“No no no no no,” Oikawa mutters and slides off Iwaizumi. A sharp pain shoots up his whole side and he groans and pauses, but shakes it quickly. Iwaizumi’s eyelids begin drooping and shutting, and Oikawa grabs his face. “Hajime, stay with me. Don’t you dare close your eyes, you hear me?”

He isn’t sure if Iwaizumi can hear him though, he’s not responding even a little bit.

A sob escapes Oikawa’s lips. “No please…” He lifts his head. “Help!”

Only then can he take in the scene. The bus is sideways, and what Iwaizumi and he are lying on is the shattered glass of the window that hit the road a few seconds ago.
He can’t see Kindaichi and Yahaba, but the wall of the bus where they had been sitting is all dented in. Kyoutani is a few rows behind them, unconscious. Watari is next to him though, and he seems kind of okay, at least he’s moving and trying to get the seatbelt off. And in the row behind them, now somewhat above them dangling from their seats hanging in the seatbelts are Mattsun and Makki.
When Oikawa tries to turn towards the front though, a sharp pain shoots up his ribs and he stops.

“Oi!” It’s Mattsun from above him. His eyes are widened in shock, but he doesn’t seem to be hurt too badly. “Oikawa, are you hurt?”

Oikawa tries to get his breathing under control, but the sobs keep spilling out. “Iwa-chan’s not waking up!”

Mattsun curses and wiggles in his seat. “Is he breathing? Makki, I need your help.”

Oikawa cowers down next to Iwaizumi again, and he can clearly see his chest rising and falling. “Y-yeah, he is.”

“Alright, hold on, I’m coming down. Makki, I need you to hold on to me when I open my seatbelt, or else I’ll just fall down.”

“Y-yeah.” Makki looks just as shocked as Oikawa feels, but he follows Mattsun’s instructions. Oikawa desperately tries to calm himself. He should be checking on everyone, he should be helping, he shouldn’t be panicking… But everything just hurts so much, and Iwaizumi is unconscious, and he is so fucking scared and…

“Hey, Oikawa, it’s okay.” He hasn’t even realized Mattsun is down here already. “It’s okay, you hear me? We’ll get through this just fine. Just breathe.”

“Iwa-chan, he…”

“I know, I know. We’ll get him out of here. We’re on the highway, somebody must have called help by now for sure and they’ll be here soon, okay?”

Oikawa can’t help but admire Mattsun for staying so calm in a situation like this. He himself is freaking out big time by now, and he can barely manage to breathe.

“Are you hurt?”

His head is swimming in uncoordinated thoughts. “I… I think so?” He can’t concentrate on the pain, can’t pinpoint where it’s coming from.

“Yeah, I think you hit your head. At least it’s bleeding. Listen, I’m going to climb over there and open the emergency exit in the roof. You stay here, and then I’ll come and get you.”

“What about Iwa-chan?”

“I don’t think we should move him. He could have an injured spine, it’ll be best to wait for the firefighters.”

Oikawa’s fingers lock down on Iwaizumi’s arm like an instinct. “I’m not leaving him here.”

“Oikawa, you…”

“No.” Out of all the things, Oikawa has not expected this to clear his head, but it does. “You open the exit. Then you bring everyone out of here who can make it. Check the situation outside, see if people stopped to help. Can you see the coaches?”

“Yeah, I think they’re unconscious.”

“Okay. Go ahead then. I’ll stay here with Iwa-chan.”

“But Oikawa…”

“Go. He saved my life, I’m not leaving him here.”

Mattsun huffs, but nods. “Alright.” He pulls himself up on the seat and looks up and down the bus. “Okay, who can hear me?”

A few shouts respond and Mattsun nods again. “I’m gonna open the emergency exit, so everyone who is conscious and can move, get out of here. Help everyone who can get out of here with your assistance, but if you think it might be dangerous to move them, don’t and wait for help.”

Oikawa watches Mattsun climb away, then he turns back to Iwaizumi. His eyes are closed, but it doesn’t look like he’s sleeping, not really, it just isn’t peaceful enough for that. Iwaizumi’s brows are furrowed, and sometimes his head jerks just a tiny bit sideways.
And so Oikawa stays put, holding his hand and monitoring his breathing every second. His own pain pulses through his body, but he breathes through it. That is the least he can do.
He can’t help Iwaizumi, can’t save him from this, but he can stay here with him right by his side. And that’s what he does.

He holds his hand all the way until the firefighters arrive and pull them out of this wreck, he keeps his eyes on Iwaizumi all the way until they are put on different stretchers and loaded onto different ambulances, and only when he isn’t able to see his best friend anymore does he finally give in to the pain and loses consciousness.

They are all warming up already, though Seijoh hasn’t arrived yet, and Tanaka and Nishinoya are already muttering to themselves with words like ‘disrespect’ or ‘not taking us seriously’ dropping, but Daichi tells everyone to calm down. It’s raining a lot, so Suga speculates they are just driving more carefully on, especially since there has been a storm warning only yesterday and the weathercaster on the radio told people to be cautious on the roads.
Daichi tells Kageyama and him to give the spikers some practice tosses to get into the groove, but more time passes, and Seijoh still isn’t there.

Suga isn’t a person to hold grudges, and he mostly chooses to see the best in people, but some others resent Oikawa Tooru and his team, or are skeptical towards him, at least.
He has to admit it’s easy to dislike Oikawa’s pompous attitude or get riled up by the sharp comments spoken in a sickly-sweet tone. But Suga has met Oikawa off-court several times. Of course, there’s all the flashy smiles and teases and challenging comments, but that doesn’t make Oikawa a bad person, just maybe an annoying one to deal with. 
So when Seijoh doesn’t arrive, Suga can’t help but worry because there’s no way they would do that on purpose. It has been one and a half hours now since the practice match was supposed to start, and Suga has even tried texting Oikawa and Iwaizumi, but neither answered.

When Takeda-sensei arrives at the gym, breathless, and calls Daichi over, Suga watches closely. He can read Daichi like a book, and when the shock settles on his face, Suga knows something is seriously wrong.
He’s on the brink of jogging over and confronting Daichi, but their captain has already turned back and calls the entire team together.

“What is it?” Tanaka shouts as he jogs over. “Are they too scared to face us after all?”

But Daichi shakes his head, his face as white as a sheet, and even the more oblivious members of Karasuno start to catch on that something is wrong.

Suga is the first one to speak up. “What happened?”

Daichi’s eyes lock with his, and they’re screaming for comfort. “Seijoh had an accident. They were on the highway and a truck rammed into their bus.”

The gym falls dead silent. Suga would like to see the expressions of the other guys, but he can’t tear his gaze from Daichi who looks like he’s desperately trying to compose himself. He can only hear Ennoshita’s quiet voice ask, “Is anyone hurt?”

Daichi gulps. “I… Yes, I’m afraid the crash was rather severe. I don’t know any details, but everyone is at the hospital right now. It was Matsukawa who called to inform us, apparently both the coaches aren’t conscious just yet.”

Another voice, Hinata this time. “Is anyone…?” He doesn’t finish the question, but the message is all too clear.

Daichi shakes his head. “Not as far as I know. Some people seem to be in critical condition, though.”

The silence settles again, even heavier than before, until Daichi clears his throat. “I think we should stop for the day. Let’s clean up and all go home. Keep Seijoh in your prayers this evening, and we’ll meet again on Monday when everything has calmed down a bit.”

Everyone murmurs words of agreement, and they scatter to clean up. It’s lots more quiet than normally, Hinata and Kageyama don’t bicker while picking up the stray balls, Nishinoya and Tanaka aren’t whooping with their usual energy overload and the other seconds years seem lost in thought as they take down the net without even talking to each other. The atmosphere is eerily gloomy, and it chills Suga to the bone.

“See you all on Monday,” Daichi says as he turns the key in the gym’s lock. Then he adds a quiet, “Take care of yourselves.”

Everyone says their goodbyes, and soon Daichi and Suga are walking home next to each other. At first, they are just silent, but then Daichi decides to speak up. “I can’t even imagine how horrible it must be. To experience something like that, I mean.”

Suga nods in agreement. “It’s scary to think about it.”

There’s a pause, and then Daichi softly says, “I was thinking…”

“Yeah, me too.”

“You don’t even know what I was about to say.”

“Of course I do. You want to go to the hospital.”

Daichi stops walking for a second and looks at Suga. “How did you…” Then he shrugs. “Why am I even surprised? But yeah, you’re right. I want to see if there’s anything I can do to help.”

Some people might think it to be weird since Karasuno and Seijoh aren’t particularly close as far as friendships among team members are concerned, but it’s different for Daichi and Suga. They have met Oikawa and Iwaizumi on a regular basis for their captains’ meetings, and though Suga wouldn’t go as far as to call them friends, they still know each other well enough by now.

“Let’s do it. Not today though, maybe.”

Daichi nods. “Yeah, I suppose their families are there anyways, and it’s bound to be quite chaotic so we don’t need to add more people to the mix by going now. Let’s go tomorrow around noon, they might have settled down a bit more then.” 

Suga agrees, but his thoughts are all over the place. He’d never say it, but he’s worried sick about their rival team and he just wants to know they’re alright. Daichi probably can read it all over his face, because he takes Suga’s hand and squeezes it. “You wanna sleep over tonight?”

Suga smiles, and squeezes back. “Yeah. Yeah, I’d like that.” 

Life is just so much easier with Daichi around.

'"Cause I'm going out of frequency
Can anyone respond?
It's like an avalanche, I feel myself go under
'Cause the weight of it's like hands around my neck
I never stood a chance, my heart has frozen over
And I feel like I am treading on thin ice"

(Avalanche - Bring Me The Horizon)

Chapter Text

“For nights we lay awake
Wishing for answers, hoping against all hope
And if love could change the course of fate
These nights, we move mountains
But as the news filtered down the line, the impact shook us
Shook us to the core
Loss struck like a dagger in our aching hearts”

(The River - Parkway Drive)

Iwaizumi is nervous. It’s a pretty natural feeling, considering he has just survived a crash and a three-hour surgery, but that isn’t what he is actually worried about. No, the reason for this feeling in his stomach is lying in the bed next to him, pale and bruised and hooked to several machines.

Oikawa made it through alright, they told him. That dumbass refused to leave his side until the firefighters pulled them both out of the bus, and then he collapsed in the ambulance.
Shattered ribs, slight internal bleeding, a sprained wrist and a knee that has been fucked up before but is even more fucked up now. That has been the diagnosis, plus of course a hundred bruises and cuts from the broken window they landed on.

Though apparently, Iwaizumi took on most of those shards himself if his cut-up back is anything to account for. He isn’t exactly fine either with his shattered shoulder and collarbone, a back contusion and mild concussion, but he really isn’t worried about himself. The doctors told him he’ll be fine.
Granted, they also told him Oikawa will be fine too, but it still scares Iwaizumi to see his best friend in this state.
And he can’t help but replay the whole scenario in his head over and over again. What if he hadn’t pressed the topic of Oikawa’s knee so much? If he hadn’t allowed Oikawa to unbuckle and stand up? What if what if what if. The questions plague him, but he can’t think about anything else.
That is, until he hears a soft knock and the door opens to reveal a black-haired former kouhai of his.

“Kageyama?” He tries to sit up more, but his injured back protests and so he stays in the awkward ‘not quite lying down but not sitting either’ position. 

The other boy nods self-consciously. “Can I come in?”

“Yeah, of course.” It’s been some time since he has last seen Kageyama, so his mouth acts before his brain can think. “What are you doing here? Sit down, please.”

Kageyama pulls up a chair to Iwaizumi’s bed, but his gaze lingers on Oikawa as he does so. Then he sits down, facing Iwaizumi again. “We heard about the accident yesterday, and Daichi and Suga came over to help out since- uh, well it’s chaotic for your team right now, I guess I don’t have to tell you that.” 

Yeah, Iwaizumi has been told that the coaches are going crazy with trying to organize everything - first of all, they have to deal with all the families of everyone involved in the crash, and then there’s also practice matches which need to be rescheduled and canceled and plans to be made as to what will happen with the competitions they had planned on going to - all of that while both coaches are still bed-ridden with rather severe concussions. Karasuno’s captain and his vice truly are saints. 

Kageyama continues, “I asked them if I could come too, just to- uh… visit, I guess? Well, I mean, how are you?”

Iwaizumi shrugs. Tries to shrugs. His shoulder isn’t really having it, so it doesn’t quite turn out as he intended “I’m fine. Little banged up, but nothing that won’t heal. I can’t speak for Oikawa over there though, he hasn’t been awake yet, but they told me he’ll be fine too, it just will be quite some recovery time.”

Kageyama drops his gaze. “He won’t like to hear that.”

Oh no, he won’t. It’s Oikawa’s third year, and he’s all set up for a volleyball scholarship, not to mention the unbelievably high expectations he has set for himself. Iwaizumi is a little scared of Oikawa’s reaction when he finds out he’ll probably need months to recover. Or that his knee will probably never be the same again. 

“We’re all lucky to be alive. He’ll have to concentrate on that.” He won’t, though, and Kageyama and Iwaizumi both know that.

“I heard you had surgery.”

Iwaizumi nods, thankful for the change of topic. “Yeah. He had internal bleeding, and for me it was reconstruction on my shoulder. Shattered quite a bit. But it’s all fixed up now, thankfully.”

“Good. That’s good.” Kageyama refuses to lift his gaze, there obviously is something more he wanted to say. Something less superficial. And the way he keeps glancing back at Oikawa gives Iwaizumi a good idea of what this is about. “Spit it out before he wakes up.”

Kageyama’s eyes snap up, but he keeps fiddling with his fingers nervously. “It’s nothing, really.”

“It’s obviously bothering you.”

“It’s just… when we got the news that you were in an accident, and we didn’t exactly know how severe it was…” He glances at Oikawa again. “Uh, I started thinking about some stuff. Oikawa and I take volleyball very seriously, but- he could have died, you know?”

Kageyama truly is awful with words, but Iwaizumi has a feeling he still knows what he’s trying to get at here. “Yeah, this puts some things into perspective, doesn’t it?”

“I kind of wanted him to hate me at some point,” Kageyama blurts out. “Because I’ve looked up at him ever since I first met him, but then I grew so frustrated with him; I wanted to be better than him and I wanted him to hate me for that.”

“But now you don’t.” 

It’s not a question, but still Kageyama replies with a nod. It warms Iwaizumi’s heart a little, if he’s being honest, because this quarrel between Kageyama and Oikawa robbed him of his last nerve back in middle school. Kageyama is a good kid, even if he lacks a bit of social skills, but he has matured a lot and Iwaizumi has never disliked him, unlike Oikawa of course.
It’s probably not even really something personal, it’s just how Oikawa is. It’s in his nature to push himself to his limits, it’s been drilled into him from a young age, and if it hadn’t been Kageyama, surely there would have been someone else he would have antagonized; his obsessive rivalry with Ushijima only proves that.
But even if Kageyama fanned the flames, it isn’t his fault. Maybe it isn’t entirely Oikawa’s either, but if Kageyama is willing to take a step into the right direction, then Iwaizumi sees that as a good sign.

“I’m glad you see it that way.”

“Do you think… he might too?”

To be honest, Iwaizumi isn’t sure. Oikawa is the most stubborn person he knows, and there’s more to the whole story than just his pride; these feelings of disdain are deeply rooted in an old fear, but nobody except for a few people know about that story and Iwaizumi doubts Oikawa will ever be willing to share it, especially not to explain himself to Kageyama. But still there’s a glimmer of hope that he might make amends regardless. If their near death experience put some things into perspective for Kageyama, maybe it did for Oikawa too.

“It’s possible. I’d give it time though, especially now he’ll have a lot on his plate with recovery and everything. But I think it’s a good thing that you’re willing to put this to rest, I really do.”

Relief washes over the Kageyama’s features, and Iwaizumi hopes that he hasn’t promised too much. But the two of them making amends would surely be important for Oikawa too, closing some old scars that have been open for far too long, so he’ll be damned if he doesn’t try whatever it takes to knock some sense into him. 

“Thank you, Iwaizumi-san.”

Kageyama stays only a few minutes longer before he says goodbye and is on his way. He promises to come back, though, and Iwaizumi is glad about it. The younger one really has come a long way and Karasuno has been good for him, Iwaizumi thinks, it’s soothing to know that he has finally found a place to settle where he fits in and where he can be comfortable. Kitagawa Daiichi surely never was any of that for him.

Iwaizumi waits a few seconds as the door closes, then he turns and faces Oikawa’s bed. “So, how much of that did you hear?”

A whine erupts from the bed. “You’re no fun, Iwa-chan!”

Oikawa’s voice is raspy and hoarse, but he’s awake and he’s talking and relief washes over Iwaizumi like a long-expected summer rain.

“You’re just too obvious, Shittykawa. I could tell you were basically dying of internal laughter at some point.”

“I was not! But come on, you have to admit it was pretty funny. Tobio-chan can be so sentimental!”

“He was being honest, and I think what he said was pretty decent. But maybe let’s talk about this another time.” He tries to sit up more again and groans as he fails miserably. “Damn it, I can’t even face you properly. How are you feeling?”

He only sees the side of Oikawa’s face and his right arm. These beds are definitely too far apart.

“Well I’d turn to you more if there weren’t like three tubes hooked to me right now. What the hell?”

“You were out for quite some time, they had to hydrate you somehow.”

“Oh.” Oikawa goes silent, and Iwaizumi reaches for the button that calls for a nurse and presses it. These beds. Way too far.

Apparently Oikawa had still been to drugged up to realize what situation they were in, but now it seemed to strike him. “Iwa-chan.” God, he sounds so lost. “The bus.”

“Everyone’s alright,” Iwaizumi says soothingly. “Kyoutani has a concussion, and the coaches too, but everyone else is just slightly injured.”

“Makki and Mattsun?” Oikawa asks. His breathing is becoming faster, and Iwaizumi hopes the nurse hurries.

“Mattsun is completely fine except for a few bruises. And he has whiplash I think, but he’s been running around the hospital like a maniac trying to organize everything. Makki has a broken leg, but that’s about it on his side.”

“What about Kunimi? Kindaichi?”

“Kunimi has cracked ribs and a sprained wrist, Kindaichi hit his head but not too serious and he has a few contusions. Yahaba broke his arm in two places. Watari is mostly fine. I’m telling you, Oikawa, it’s all good.” Worry about yourself for a little, maybe.

Before either of them can say anything more, the nurse enters the room. “Oh, you’re awake! How are you feeling?”

“Not too flexible,” Oikawa replies. The nurse smiles in return. “I’ll call your doctor right away, he’ll want to check up on you.”

“Wait,” Iwaizumi says before she can disappear again. “Could you please move my bed closer to his?”

The nurse looks as if she wants to say no, but then her gaze softens. “Of course, dear.” She walks over and loosens some break so that the little wheels can move, and then she rolls his bed over so he is right next to Oikawa. 

“Thanks,” he says, and she disappears with a nod.

Finally, he can look at Oikawa a bit better. He’s still pale as a ghost, and there’s purple rings around his eyes that his concealer would normally hide. The blankets are pulled up to his waist, so Iwaizumi can’t really see anything under there, but Oikawa’s wrist is in a brace and his arm is completely bruised up.

“You look like shit,” Iwaizumi states.

“You’re one to talk,” Oikawa retorts immediately. “Have you looked into a mirror recently?”

“Um, no? Haven’t really gotten to the whole standing up part.”

“Good, you just would have scared yourself.”

“Nah, I had to get used to your ugly mug already, nothing could be worse than that.

”They look at each other and start chuckling.  God, it feels good to have Oikawa back, lying here and talking and laughing.

“So, what’s with you being all stiff? Where are you hurt?”

“Well, where to start…” Iwaizumi says, but keeps talking when he sees the look on Oikawa’s face. “I have a back contusion, that’s why I can’t move around so much. Other than that, there’s a mild concussion, some cuts on my back and they had to put my shoulder back together. Ah, and the collarbone’s broken, too.”

“What do you mean, they had to put your shoulder back together?”

“I collided with the window when the truck first hit, and my shoulder shattered.”

Oikawa sucks in a breath and Iwaizumi can see that his eyes are welling up. “So that really happened. God, it kind of feels like a dream.”

“I know, but we made it. How are you feeling?”

Oikawa gives a little smile. “Like I got hit by…”

“Don’t even think about making that joke or I swear to god I’ll kick you out of that bed, my legs work perfectly fine!”

“Okay jeez, sensitive, are we? No, but I feel okay. A bit dizzy maybe.”

“You’re still on painkillers from surgery.”

Oikawa goes deadly still. “I was in surgery?”

Iwaizumi nods. “Yeah. You had a bit of internal bleeding, but they were able to fix it all up. You were out for quite some time though.”

It doesn’t happen often that Oikawa is speechless, but when he is, it basically means the world is about to end. Or it will feel like that to him and everyone within his reach who is not far enough to escape the destruction, because Oikawa feels his emotions only in their extremes, which means he will either glow and bristle in the positive ones or wreak havoc in the negatives. There’s no in between. It’s what makes him such a complicated person to deal with, and Iwaizumi knows that since he’s one of the few who can handle it.

They are alone in this room, which means Oikawa doesn’t have to hide. It starts slow. The first gentle breeze of an incoming storm.

“My knee hurts.” Oikawa’s voice is quiet and he stares at the blanket as if he’s afraid of his own body that lies under it. His gaze starts traveling. “My wrist is in a cast. How am I supposed to play like this? And... why the hell do my ribs feel like this? Iwa-chan, what the fuck happened?”

Of course volleyball is the first thing on his mind. Now that he knows everyone else is fine, he can’t stop for one second to worry about himself. Because that’s just the thing with Oikawa, he never, ever gives himself a break, no matter how grave the situation.
When his knee used to hurt, he grew angry at it, grew angry at himself and kept pushing.
He always consoles his friends when they get bad grades, but if he scores anything less than perfect himself, he locks himself in his room and revises everything he failed.
When he was still with his parents, he blamed all they did on himself.
When he fled from the house that was never his home, he didn’t give himself credit for his own strength, he only got mad at himself for letting it come this far.
Oikawa is a perfectionist to the highest level there is. He never appreciates what’s good, only strives to improve what isn’t perfect. All he sees in himself are his flaws, his mistakes, and he blames himself for all of them, even the ones that aren’t up to him.
Like the fact that he is lying in a hospital bed now.

“This can’t be happening.” He’s starting down the usual road, but it won’t work this time. He has been able to ignore the knee injury to some degree, because it never fully gave in, just hurt, but this is different, it’s far more severe and Oikawa won’t be able to just brush it off. “Iwa-chan, how long will this take? I can’t be on the bench right now, not with the scholarship and everything. It’s not that severe, right?”

“The doctor will tell you,” Iwaizumi says. 

He tries to stay as calm as he possibly can, because usually it’s this rock-in-the-surfs attitude that helps Oikawa calm down. This time, though, it’s hard. Because Iwaizumi was there too and he’s hurt too, and he will never tell Oikawa this, but he’s scared. One doesn’t go through a crash like that one and walk out all careless.

“But what happened? You know I was in surgery, so you know about my injuries too, don’t you? Tell me, please!”

He doesn’t want to say it. He doesn’t want to be the one that tells Oikawa how severe his injuries are, he doesn’t want to be the cause for those beautiful eyes to dull down in defeat, he doesn’t want to voice his fears. But he made a promise to Oikawa to always have his back. And that included difficult times, too. Lying won’t help his friend.

“All I know is what they told me, that you had internal bleeding, you broke some ribs and sprained your wrist. I can’t tell you for sure how bad it is, but in my experience, bones need some weeks to heal and even if a sprained wrist isn’t much to worry about, it needs rest, too. Your knee didn’t come out unscathed either. I’m not a doctor, Oikawa, but you should expect to be out for at least a few weeks.”

Oikawa was pale before, but now he looks close to passing out. “But... ribs heal pretty fast, and on their own, don’t they? And the knee is nothing new.”

“Yes, the knee needed rest before, but you didn’t give it much of that, and this accident sure didn’t help. I know this is hard for you, but you really need to take it slow this time.”

“I didn’t get this scholarship to ‘take it slow’. This is my future we’re talking about.”

Iwaizumi feels the rage in his own chest, but he swallows it down. Why can’t this dumbass just stop pushing himself for one second?

“That future you’re talking about won’t go on for long if you ruin yourself before it even starts.”

“I won’t!”

“That’s what you said the last time you were in a hospital, but I remember you dragging you out of the gym every single day after that because you wouldn’t stop overtraining. Oikawa, just listen what the doctor has to say, and then you’ll see what you can do. A few weeks are nothing, you can catch up on that in no time.”

Oikawa clenches his jaw. “Ask Tobio-chan what he thinks of that, would you?”

Iwaizumi groans. Of course it leads down to this, it always does. “Kageyama is not your enemy. He’s only doing his personal best, and it’s not to spite you.”

“I don’t care about his intentions!” Oikawa retorts, and his voice is steadily growing louder now. “You think that’ll be any consolation the day he surpasses me as a setter? God, I wish he was some evil monster that has it out for me, because at least I could resent him then! But this is all on me, don’t you get it? I have to figure out for myself how to stay ahead! Because Tobio won’t look left or right, he just charges through best as he can. <i>I’m</i> the one who has to look over my shoulder to see how close he is to catching up, and he probably won’t even care when he does. 
That doesn’t make it easier, it’s making it worse! He’ll be my downfall, and he’ll do it without a care in the world because he’s not even trying. Don’t you get why I can’t just stop for a few weeks? I’ve fought so hard to stay ahead, but once he passes, I can’t catch up.”

“Then maybe it would be time to stop comparing yourself to him all the time!” Iwaizumi growls. He can’t keep the anger out of his voice anymore, it’s too much to ask. “He’s a genius, yes, but he’s different than you. He’ll always be different. You both have weaknesses and strengths, and his talent does not outweigh your dedication, it never has. You’re just too blinded by his skills to acknowledge that.”

“My dedication is worth nothing when I’m only sitting on the bench.”

“It will be worth even less once you’ve driven your body into failing you.”

“I won’t let it come that far!”

“You almost did already!”

They stop and glower at each other. Oikawa’s face is flushed, and his eyes are brimming with angry tears that he’s desperately trying to keep from falling by tipping his head back a bit. Iwaizumi feels a sting in his chest, but he can’t give in to this idiot destroying himself.
Right in this moment though, the doctor walks in, and Oikawa pulls himself together in an instant. Iwaizumi hates the façade, but still he is amazed every time how Oikawa can go from being a complete and utter mess to wearing that flashy smile in mere seconds. Even the unshed tears disappear immediately.

"Ah, I am glad to see you up and about! How are you feeling?"

The doctor is a short, but slender man, and his eyes are surrounded by little wrinkles that are proof of a lifetime of laughter. A genuine smile, unlike the one Oikawa wears right now.

"A little out of it, but I can't complain." His voice is a tiny pitch too high, his eyes are a little bit too wide, his spine a tad too straight. It's those microscopic things that tell Iwaizumi when Oikawa is faking, and he always notices.

"That's what I like to hear. You haven't been conscious since you arrived, so I haven't had the chance to explain what happened. The first thing you should know is that we had to perform an emergency surgery to stop an internal bleeding."

Oikawa nods (a little bit too stiff). "Yes, I've already been told that."

The doctor gives Iwaizumi a knowing nod. "Good, no shock factor there anymore. There's no reason for that, anyways, the internal bleeding was very small and the surgery was a full success. There's some other things, of course, and I'll just run you through it so you understand everything."

He starts listing all of Oikawa's injuries, what they did to treat them and his prognosis on how severe they are and how long it will take them to heal.

"How long until I can take up training again?" Oikawa asks (a little bit too fast).

The doctor hums. "Well, that is difficult to say. Your body has endured a lot of trauma, so rest is the most important thing for you right now. If you want a concrete number, I'd say six to eight weeks, but that is not guaranteed. You'll have to listen to your body now and take it really slow."

Iwaizumi almost snorts at that. Nobody ignores their body's screams as well as Oikawa Tooru, but of course the doctor doesn't know that.

"Do you have any other questions?"

"Can I do anything to speed it up?"

The doctor pauses for a moment and musters Oikawa's face. Maybe he's sensing what type of person the boy before him is, maybe he has a take on what self-destructive and reckless people sound like. "Yes. Take care of yourself, and rest. Less is more here, remember that, over-doing it will only make things worse for you."

Iwaizumi is so thankful for this man right now. Oikawa probably won't listen, anyways, but anything that could encourage him would be drastic in this situation.

"Alright, we're gonna keep you two here for a few days, just so we can check up regularly. I strongly advise both of you not to stand up yet, so if you need anything, call a nurse. Alright?"

They both nod, and the doctor smiles again. "Very good. See you soon, then."

Oikawa's smile drops as soon as the door closes behind the man.

Iwaizumi chokes back an 'I told you so' because Oikawa is quiet again, which would be the second time today. One time is already rare, twice is like hitting a jackpot. A very sad, very self-destructive jackpot. Iwaizumi knows when words help and when they don’t, and he has a feeling that right now, nothing he says can comfort Oikawa. Sure enough, the other has fixed his eyes on the blanket and keeps staring at it.

Minutes pass before Oikawa breaks out of this state. He slowly lowers himself back into a lying position with a groan, supporting his weight on his elbows since his injured wrist can’t hold him up. He closes his eyes, and Iwaizumi knows now is the time to step in if he wants to say anything. 

“Oi Shittykawa, don’t go all melodramatic on me now. It’s just a few weeks.”

Oikawa’s voice is trembling when he answers, and Iwaizumi realizes this might be more severe than he has thought. “When Tobio arrived at Kitagawa Daiichi, it took him just a few weeks to put everyone there under his spell with his god-given skills. He needed just a few weeks at Karasuno to learn to play together as a team. It took just a few weeks to learn that god-like quick attack with the shrimp, and just a few weeks more to modify it when they realized it only worked as a surprise attack.”

“And it took you just a third of a match to figure out how to predict that quick and how to stop it,” Iwaizumi says. “Stop taking Kageyama as a measurement for your achievements and focus on yourself only for once. You’d think a narcissistic guy like you would be able to do that.”

Oikawa opens his eyes again just to glare at Iwaizumi. “Doing my best won’t get me anywhere, only doing better than everyone else will. I need to keep an eye out for my competition because I need to know what I’m up against.”

“Right now, you need to take a step back and allow yourself to heal. This isn’t just about volleyball, Oikawa.” Iwaizumi could feel the anger pumping through his veins. Why couldn’t he make this idiot see? “You could have died. We all could have. Do you have any idea how lucky we are to be alive? Or that we’re only injured as severely as we are? We were on a crash on the highway and you didn’t even have a seatbelt on; it’s a miracle you’re not injured worse or dead!”

Oikawa scoffs. “You think college is going to care about my sob-story?”

And with that, Iwaizumi explodes. “Maybe they won’t, but I do!” he yells. “I fucking do, I care that I almost lost you, I care that you were stupid enough to stay in that bus with me even though it could have caught on fire or someone else could have hit it because we were on the fucking highway for god’s sake; I care that even now you’re just continuing to destroy yourself like you always have and I’m sick of it, Oikawa, I’m so damn sick of it!”

They stare at each other, and Iwaizumi is panting and balling his hands into fists. His back hurts far too much to sit up more or turn any further and it makes him even angrier because normally he’d headbutt Oikawa in the nose right about now. Maybe it would make him feel better.

And then Oikawa speaks. “Maybe it should have been worse.” His eyes are shimmering with tears again, and this time he doesn’t stop them from falling. “Maybe it would be better if I was injured worse, or dead. Because this, this awful limbo state... Maybe I would be better off if I could never play anymore. Go out with a bang instead of slowly deteriorate.”

“I can’t believe that really just came out of your mouth.”

“Why? At least I’d have an excuse then. If I recover now just to fail and fall behind, it’ll all be on me.”

Iwaizumi doesn’t know what to say to him anymore. Maybe it’s the lack of physical punches or the near-death experience Oikawa had, but Iwaizumi can’t seem to knock sense into him anymore, and it’d be a lie to say it doesn’t scare him. Oikawa looks so lost when he closes his eyes again. A small sob escapes his lips, and Iwaizumi’s heart clenches. 
He knows they’re far beyond reasoning now, that Oikawa is lost in his self-destructive cycle and has torn himself down too much to look up and nothing Iwaizumi says or does will reach him right now, so he reaches over, ignoring the burn it causes in his back, and lays his hand on Oikawa’s arm where it’s least bruised. 

“You’re gonna be okay, Tooru.” It’s a promise he intends to keep, even though Oikawa doesn’t believe him.

Iwaizumi knows his words aren’t any comfort to his best friend right now. He knows Oikawa is drifting away in his misery, that the hand on his arm won’t bring relief, but at least it’s something he can hold onto so he doesn’t drift too far. Oikawa is broken, shaken and torn down to his very core.

But Iwaizumi will be damned if it’s going to stay that way. Oikawa wouldn’t believe him if he said it out loud, so he doesn’t, but Iwaizumi vows to be here every step for the recovery, to build up what has shattered, to help his friend regain all of his strength and to help fight his demons.
Because no matter how hard he falls, Oikawa Tooru will always rise again. And Iwaizumi will be the one lifting him.

"Hold out your hands, sink into me
Hold out your hands, I'll take you away
Hold out your hands, surrender the weight of this world”

(The River - Parkway Drive)

Chapter Text

"Maybe I should be more grateful
That I had to watch it all come undone
Holding so tight to the edge is painful
But I can't ignore it, I know
They're watching as I fall, they're staring as I go
I gave until my soul hurt, and never told them so"

(Watching As I Fall - Mike Shinoda)

In the night, Oikawa cries.

Iwaizumi notices even before the small sobs start because of the way his breathing changes. Oikawa tries to hold it all in, to suffocate his emotions, but this time he can't make it work and that's why he starts crying. Iwaizumi hates this, he hates that he can't climb over and hold Oikawa close like he usually does, he hates that there's nothing he can say to ease that pain. But the least he can do is to be there.

"Hey."

Oikawa snivels, and then asks in a voice thick with faked cheerfulness, "What is it, Iwa-chan?"

Iwaizumi rolls his eyes even though Oikawa can't see it in the dark.

"Quit the act. Do you seriously think I can't hear you crying?" When Oikawa doesn't reply, he continues, "It's okay to be overwhelmed. But don't shut me out like that, you know I won't judge."

It was easier when they were younger, when Oikawa was still wearing a smile as bright as sunshine, not one made of plastic. It's harder now for Iwaizumi to break through the walls that Oikawa keeps building constantly, adding more bricks whenever life throws a new challenge at him.

But Iwaizumi is used to breaking through walls. It's as natural to him as spiking a volleyball.

"Sorry," Oikawa mutters.

Iwaizumi sighs and reaches over, feels around in the dark until he finds Oikawa's hand. The wrist is in the cast, but his fingers remain free and that is what Iwaizumi holds on to. "I'm here, okay? If you don't wanna talk that's fine. You know the drill."

They've been doing this for as long as Iwaizumi can remember. In fact, it has been Oikawa who started the whole thing when Iwaizumi broke his foot as a kid and had to be taken to the ER. Oikawa went with him, naturally, and in the back of the car he had taken Iwaizumi's hand and said, "Squeeze the pain into me, Iwa-chan. I can take it."

From that day, that has been their go-to comforting method whenever one of them is hurt or sad. The small touch is just a reminder of their perfect trust in each other, and they always find comfort in it, as Oikawa does now.

They stay in silence for some time and listen to each other's breathing. Oikawa squeezes Iwaizumi's hand from time to time, and by then Iwaizumi knows his friend will be okay. It's gonna be a long and rocky road, and there's not enough aspirin in the world to save him from the headaches he will get from helping Oikawa through this, but it's worth it. That little squeeze on his hand, Oikawa's breathing that has calmed down and the little snores that come from his bed after some time are all he'll ever need.

Two weeks later, Iwaizumi is positive that he'll just chuck Oikawa into the next trash bin and leave him there. A sick Oikawa is hard to handle, Iwaizumi knows that. But turns out an injured Oikawa in recovery is a danger to society - or to Iwaizumi's sanity, at least.

He's on the way to the grocery store, carrying the bag on one shoulder because his right arm is still in a sling. Of course the accident had to fuck up his writing hand. Fantastic.

Oikawa normally lives alone, but of course Iwaizumi’s parents had none of it when he was released from the hospital to go home and took him in for his recovery. Which is fine, because otherwise Iwaizumi just would have stayed over at Oikawa’s anyways – though now he’s certain he’d just lock himself in his room to have some peace and quiet.

They have been back to school for a few days, and Iwaizumi has thrown himself back into the work as if his life depends on it. Volleyball practice is off, of course, until enough of the team has recovered, though Karasuno’s captain has invited everyone who’s able to play to come join them at afternoon practice. When Oikawa heard of the offer, he grumbled something under his breath, but accepted, though he and Iwaizumi can’t join yet, of course, which only leaves more time to study since they can’t do much else now that they’re still supposed to be resting. But Oikawa informed everyone and all those who are able to play again gladly took the opportunity. His pride might get in his own way from time to time, but he won’t ever let it affect his team. 
Also, Sawamura has been really helpful these days, especially when everyone was still at the hospital. Mattsun told Iwaizumi he showed up the day after the accident with Karasuno’s vice captain, asking if they could help, and then did everything within their power to organize the mess Seijoh was in.

School is over for the day, and while Iwaizumi was trying to do his homework, Oikawa didn’t stop whining about how they ran out of milk bread until Iwaizumi got fed up and set out for the grocery store since his parents are still at work. Every step of the way, he is cursing Oikawa internally, but of course there’s nothing he wouldn’t do for the other due to his stupid, stupid devotion. He should just send him home and see how he deals then, that ungrateful dumbass.

Iwaizumi is exhausted when he pushes the door to the store open. Ever since he got home, he started catching up on schoolwork with a kind of determination he isn’t even used to himself, and after a few days Oikawa asked him if he ever intended to sleep again - it was a joke, of course, but then the nights started becoming longer and longer and sometimes Iwaizumi finds himself perched above his books until the sun starts to cast its first rays into his room. Last night was one of those times, and he barely got two hours of sleep before breakfast.

And as if this day couldn’t get any worse, the store he enters is out of milk bread. How can a store only ten minutes away from Oikawa’s house run out of milk break? They’ll probably be bankrupt by the end of the week, because as much milk bread as Oikawa buys, Iwaizumi is sure this is their number one source of income. The next store is quite far away though, so he’ll probably have to take the bus if he doesn’t want to walk forever. Riding his bike is unfortunately still out of the question. Sighing, Iwaizumi rummages through his wallet with his good hand to look for his bus ticket that allows him to drive around town and he walks over to the nearest bus stop.

It only takes ten minutes for the bus to arrive. It stops right in front of Iwaizumi and the two people who were waiting with him enter. Iwaizumi takes a step forward, too, but he freezes. He can’t even exactly say why. It’s not like he’s feeling anything, really, no fear, no uneasiness, nothing, but still his body will not move forward.

He stands in silence as the bus closes his doors and drives away. Only when it is out of sight does the panic hit him, as if it is delayed. His heart starts racing and breathing seems like a really hard thing to do right now. He steps back and sits down on the bench that’s next to the bus stop sign, because he doesn’t trust his legs to keep him up right now.

What the hell was that? He hasn’t even thought twice about entering the bus, hasn’t even realized how scared he was until his body pulled a full stop on him. But now that he knows, only the thought about getting on a bus makes him nauseous.
It’s not rational, he knows that. He's been taking these buses since he was old enough to go to school alone – alone meaning without his parents, because Oikawa and he have always gone together. There never was an accident. But still, when he thinks of these buses, or any bus for that matter, he sees himself staring out of a window with a truck speeding towards him. He can’t do it.
It makes no sense, and he chides himself for letting it affect him so much, but he can’t help it. And that makes him furious.

He stands up and turns to walk home, thoughts racing through his mind. He’s three minutes away from home when he halts. There’s no way he can face Oikawa like this. No way he can explain to him that he didn’t get milk bread because he was too scared to get on a fucking bus. Oikawa has enough on his plate right now, and he might be annoying and exhausting and a dumbass, but Iwaizumi doesn’t want to make him worry even more. Iwaizumi is supposed to be the strong one, to take care of Oikawa when he’s spiraling down. They can’t both be breaking.

So he whips out his phone and scrolls through his contacts until he finds the name he’s looking for. It rings two times until the person on the other end picks up. 

“Hello?”

“Hello, Suga-san. I kind of need a favor.”

He feels a little bad asking Suga for help, especially after all Sawamura and he have done for them already. But if he doesn’t get Oikawa that milk bread, he’ll not only continue whining, but he’ll also start asking questions and Iwaizumi really doesn’t need that right now.

“Sure thing, what do you need, Iwa-san?”

Since they have been on countless captain retreats together, Iwaizumi knows Karasuno’s setter quite well. They even befriended each other enough to call each other by their given nicknames (though nobody except for Oikawa ever took up the ‘Iwa-chan’ thing, thankfully).

“I’m babysitting Oikawa and he keeps screaming for milk bread. Our store ran out, so I wanted to ask if you could give me a lift, maybe?”

“Yeah, no problem. Just text me where to pick you up.”

Iwaizumi is thankful that Suga doesn’t even ask about the buses. He probably doesn’t even suspect something, because he’s just his usual self, always eager to help.

Fifteen minutes later, Suga stops his car next to him and he gets in on the passenger side. There’s still an unsettling feeling in his gut, but it isn’t as bad as it was with the bus by far.

“Hi. Thank you for helping me out, I really appreciate it.”

Suga smiles and pulls out of the street. “No worries. From what I’ve heard I would be putting you in mortal danger if I let you go home without milk bread.”

Iwaizumi chuckles. “So he does have a reputation even when it comes to that, huh?”

“Yeah, so it seems. There’s a lot of gossip when it comes to him, I guess you know that.”

Oikawa Tooru is many things, and due to him being so popular, stories spread like wildfire. Some of them are true, like the milk bread thing, and some of them are completely made up, sometimes they’re even so ridiculous that Iwaizumi wonders how anyone could ever believe them for one second.

It was worst when Oikawa moved out to live alone. He never explained himself to anyone other than some of his teammates, the ones he knew would never tell. And he didn’t need to tell Iwaizumi, of course, because the latter has been with him through all of it. But since it was such a mystery, soon stories began to rise, and the rumors were rampant. They existed in every possible variation, from Oikawa’s parents being murdered to Oikawa being an undercover superhero.
Iwaizumi remembers all too well how it drained his best friend. Not only did he have to deal with the whole fucked up situation itself, but he also had to fend off noisy people that pestered him for the sake of gossip. Those days, Oikawa mostly went straight home – back then, it was still Iwaizumi’s place because he had yet to find an apartment of his own – and dropped into bed without saying a word. Iwaizumi is still glad they made it through okay.

“What are people saying at Karasuno? About the accident, I mean?”

It’s not that Iwaizumi cares what people gossip about, but he knows that Oikawa takes it to heart sometimes and he would rather be prepared.

Suga keeps his eyes on the road. “Well, the first Monday after it happened, it was the biggest topic to talk about. It was in the news, you know. People speculated on how bad it really was, and of course they get that totally wrong sometimes.”

“Why?”

Suga sighed. “You know, even the people who don’t have anything to do with volleyball know Oikawa. I think everyone’s seen him on TV a few times. So of course there’s talk.”

This is exactly what Iwaizumi has expected, but still it causes an uneasy feeling. “What are people saying?”

Suga shrugs. “Daichi and I tried to clarify things when we could, but you know how rumors are. They don’t stop once started. There’s talk that Oikawa will never play again.”

Iwaizumi remains silent. He wishes that there was anything to say, but how can he respond to people speculating about what he fears? The doctors told them how long it will take Oikawa to heal, but nobody can say how well it will work out or if his physical abilities will be the same again. Of course he never tells Oikawa this and he’ll do anything in his might to prevent it, but Iwaizumi knows there’s a chance that his friend might have to let go of his dream of becoming a professional player.

“Sorry, I shouldn’t have mentioned it,” Suga says, but Iwaizumi shakes his head.

“No, it’s okay. People always talk, there’s no getting around that.” He just hopes Oikawa doesn’t hear people calling him a burned-out star, because he always has been hell-bent on proving people wrong. In this state, it might destroy him.

“How is he really, then? And how are you?” Suga asks. Good question, Iwaizumi thinks. If only he knew himself, that would make answering a whole lot easier.

“He’s holding up fine. In fact, he has way too much energy again; try getting a guy who’s usually bouncing of the walls 24/7 to stay in bed for weeks. I’m more worried about my sanity than his health at this point. Hey, don’t laugh at me!”

Suga has started chuckling, but he keeps his eyes on the road. “Sorry, it’s just that that sounds so much like Hinata. We once tried to bench him because he twisted his foot a little during practice, but he wouldn’t stay seated and jumped around on the sideline just to yell at Kageyama.”

Iwaizumi huffs out a laugh. “These two, I swear...” The first time he has seen Kageyama and Hinata together, they weren’t harmonizing at all. They still don’t, in a way, but Iwaizumi has seen Kageyama smile, joke and even give out high-fives by now, and he sees that Hinata had a big impact on the other, probably more than Kageyama realizes himself. “I’m glad he has settled in so well.”

Suga doesn’t even ask who Iwaizumi is talking about, he knows anyways. “I saw he came visit you at the hospital.”

Iwaizumi nods. “Three times.” At least the third time Oikawa didn’t pretend to be asleep, though the conversations had been curt and a little tense.

“After he heard about the accident, he was as pale as a sheet. I was still surprised to see him at the hospital though, especially so soon.”

“Me too. Oikawa and Kageyama have a very complicated relationship, but Kageyama has matured a lot lately. And I think hearing about that accident put some things into perspective for him.” If only that would work on Oikawa, too.

Suga nods. “They do take volleyball very seriously. I mean, we all do, but never as much as them.” 

No, because what is a sport for some of them is Oikawa’s and Kageyama’s future. They pour all their sweat and blood and tears in it not only for joy, but because they need to. If they lose volleyball, they lose all their plans and dreams.  And that’s why even in the face of near death, Oikawa’s first concern is still if he will be able to play.

“They’re more alike than they would like to admit,” Iwaizumi says. 

At least they share the same amount of pride. That pride that led Oikawa to Seijoh was the same kind that drove Kageyama away from there, both trying to avoid becoming teammates with someone they saw as a rival. It’s not a bad thing, per se. Iwaizumi still thinks Oikawa is perfect with Seijoh, and Karasuno obviously couldn’t work out better for Kageyama.

They arrive at the store, and to Iwaizumi’s luck, they do have milk bread here. They buy a whole load just to be sure and Suga insist on carrying the bags back to the car, holding them out of Iwaizumi’s reach when he tries to take one.

“I just broke one shoulder, you know, the other is perfectly fine,” Iwaizumi grumbles, but Suga just laughs. 

“You’re still not supposed to carry heavy stuff; I do recall that you have a back contusion.”

“I wouldn’t call a bag of milk bread heavy.”

“Well, I’m still not letting you carry them, so come on.”

On the ride home, Suga asks about Oikawa’s sister. “Did she find a way to get home?”

Iwaizumi shakes his head. “Unfortunately, not yet. Takeru is ill, so it’s unsafe for him to travel and she can’t leave him.” 

She calls Oikawa every day though, and apologizes every time. Of course Oikawa would like to have her here, but since Iwaizumi’s house is his second home anyways, it’s not too bad. There’s enough distraction with being back to school, and when they’re at home they’re either studying or doing movie marathons since Oikawa isn’t allowed to move too much yet.

“Oh, I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, they talk every day. And he’s busy with school again, so at least he’s not as antsy anymore.”

“How is it, being back to school?”

“Kind of normal again, to be honest. The first day was crazy though, I mean, I expected we would get attention, but there were people talking to us that I have never even seen before. We barely made it to class because everyone wanted to say or ask something.” The minute they set foot on the schoolyard, there was a whole crowd surrounding them. Oikawa and Makki were both walking on crutches while Mattsun and Watari were carrying all their schoolbags, and that didn’t make it easier to get through. “It died down quite fast though.”

Of course, since Oikawa is Oikawa, he is still approached on a daily basis and receives get-well wishes and little presents, but the general fuss has subsided.

“Normalcy can be a blessing, I suppose,” Suga says and pulls into Iwaizumi’s street.

“Amen to that,” Iwaizumi replies, but something else catches his attention. There’s a car parking in the driveway in front of his house, but it doesn’t belong to his parents. “Huh. Do you know that car?” 

Suga glances at it as he parks his own car next to it. “I don’t think so, no.”

“Weird. Maybe Aiko did manage to come after all? But then she would have called.”

They exit the car, and Suga takes the bags again. “I’ll carry those in.”

Iwaizumi shakes his head, but can’t help but smile a little. “As you wish.” As they walk up the stairs leading to the porch, he digs into his pocket and pulls out the key, opening the door for them. “The kitchen is the first door to the right, you can just...” He halts as he hears the voices coming from inside the house. They are loud, one deeper, the other a bit higher, so most likely two adults. But those aren’t his parents.

“What the fuck?” he mumbles and makes his way to the living room where the voices are coming from, Suga following without a word.

He throws the door open, and what he sees makes his heart skip a beat.

Oikawa is cowering on the couch, pressing back as much as he physically can away from the two people in front of him. The woman is holding his crutches, out of reach for Oikawa, which means that he can’t leave, even though he obviously very much wants to do exactly that, judging from the way he’s trying to shrink back further and further. The man is standing close to Oikawa, so close that they’re both trapping him there on the couch. And Iwaizumi knows exactly who they are.
It’s been a long time since he has last seen Oikawa’s parents.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” he growls, and all three whirl around to look at him. Iwaizumi’s question was directed at Oikawa’s parents, but his eyes rest on Oikawa himself, registering the panicked look in his wide eyes.

“We’re just talking,” Oikawa’s mother says, but Iwaizumi ignores her and turns back to Suga, who is watching the scene with confusion. Of course he doesn’t know what’s going on, but he’ll have to wait for an explanation, Iwaizumi will not waste any time right now. 

“Suga, will you please call the police and tell them that Oikawa’s parents are in violation of their restraining order and ask them to send somebody?”

Suga’s eyes widen, just at the same time as Oikawa’s mother yells, “No, wait!”, but Iwaizumi just gives Suga a pointed look and the other nods and backs into the hall, pulling out his cellphone.

Iwaizumi turns back to Oikawa and his parents, and he can barely contain his anger. “Get away from him.”

“We’re just here to talk,” his father says again, looking grim, and his mother nods. “We heard about the accident. Can’t a mother check on her injured son?”

“Not if they lost custody and have a restraining order, they can’t.” He comes closer, eyes still on Oikawa who seems too frightened to even say anything.

“That was nonsense from the start,” Oikawa’s father growls and glares down at Oikawa. “You didn’t know what you were doing, and it’s over now. Do you really want to keep breaking your mother’s heart like this?”

“I’m not coming with you,” Oikawa replies. His voice is a bit shaky, but he manages to square his shoulders and look up at his father.

“Oikawa, you don’t have to answer him,” Iwaizumi says, and Oikawa’s father bares his teeth in fury. 

“You shut up. You’re the one who planted those ideas into his head, taking him away from us! And what a job you did at taking care of him, look at this! This might end his career!”

<i>As if you care</i>, Iwaizumi wants to reply, but Oikawa is faster. “Leave Iwa-chan out of this!”

Oikawa’s father whirls around to face his son again and growls, “I told you to stop calling him that like a faggot!” 

His hand twitches visibly, drawing backwards a bit, and Iwaizumi sees red. Before he can hit Oikawa, Iwaizumi shoots forward, leaps over the couch and tackles him to the ground. 

Well, tackling is a bit of an overstatement since he only has one working arm and he can’t really get a grip on the man, instead he just crashes into him and they both go down. When Iwaizumi collides with the floor, a blinding pain shoots up his injured shoulder and it knocks the breath out of him for a second. He can hear Oikawa yelling though, and his mother is screaming too. 
His father, next to Iwaizumi, is growling in fury and tries to get back to his feet, but Iwaizumi’s uninjured arm shoots forward and grabs his wrist, pulling him back down.

“You won’t touch him,” he growls, his vision clouded by the pain and anger.

“Let go, you little...”

“You. Won’t. Touch. Him,” Iwaizumi interrupts and locks the man’s wrist in a death grip. He won’t let him hurt Oikawa, he has made a vow to never let that happen again. Never.

And then Suga is there, stepping in front of Oikawa to shield him. “Sir, the police are on their way here, so I suggest you don’t make this situation worse for yourself.”

Oikawa’s mom is sobbing now, and his father spits out curses continuously, but Suga remains calm and unimpressed. “Depending on how much time you want to spend in jail, I’d think twice before acting now.”

Oikawa’s father curses again and makes to stand up and this time, Iwaizumi lets him. 

The man grabs his sobbing wife by the arm. “Come on.” They make their way to the door, but halfway Oikawa’s father turns back again. “This will not be the end of this, boy, I can promise you that.” Then they disappear out of the door.

“We can’t let them leave,” Iwaizumi says. His breath is coming in a bit short because of the pain.

Suga just shakes his head though. “I gave the police their license plate and car type, they won’t get far even if they try to run. Are you both okay? I mean, obviously not, but are you hurt?”

“Just fell on my shoulder.” He sits up, gritting his teeth in pain. This really doesn’t feel too good. But he’s more concerned about Oikawa, who still hasn’t said a word and is looking so pale that he may pass as a wax figure. “Oikawa... Suga, give me a hand.”

Suga pulls him to his feet, and then Iwaizumi sits down next to Oikawa. “Hey, you’re alright. They’re gone, Oikawa, you hear me?”

Slowly, Oikawa turns his head towards him and Iwaizumi can see the tears welling up in his eyes immediately. He reaches out with his healthy arm and pulls Oikawa closer. “It’s okay.”
As soon as they embrace, it’s as if a dam is breaking and Oikawa starts sobbing, which is a really bad sign considering Suga is still here, because normally Oikawa would never, never show that kind of weakness in front of someone who is not Iwaizumi.

But Suga seems to understand the situation right away. “I’ll go wait for the police at the front door,” he says and then quietly exits the room. Iwaizumi gives a thankful nod in his direction and makes a mental note to shower him in thank you’s when this is over. Sugawara Koushi truly is a saint.

Iwaizumi struggles to find a good position because the stinging in his shoulder is pure agony by now, but he only cares about comforting Oikawa, who is now quietly sobbing “I’m sorry” again and again like a mantra.

“You have nothing to be sorry for,” Iwaizumi says and pulls Oikawa as close as he can.

“I tried to stop them, they just...”

“You can barely walk, Oikawa, how would you stop them? It’s okay. They’re gone now, and they won’t come back. I promised to protect you, right?”

“Y-yeah.”

“And I promised I’d never let them touch you again?”

“Yeah.”

“There. I don’t break promises, you know that. If they ever come near you again, I’ll break all their fingers before they can even think about touching you.” Oh he’d do it gladly, with his arm in a sling or not.

“Y-you’re a brute, Iwa-chan,” Oikawa sniffles, and he’s still crying but at least he’s also joking again and Iwaizumi will never not be impressed at how fast his best friend manages to pull himself together after breaking down. Oikawa may be complicated, but he’s also stronger than he lets on sometimes.  Of course he’s not okay right now, but it only took minutes for him to regain composure after facing one of his biggest fears, and if that isn’t strength then Iwaizumi doesn’t know what is.

When Oikawa has calmed down a bit more, Iwaizumi asks, “Did they hurt you before I arrived?”

“No,” Oikawa replies, voice much steadier now. “I just couldn’t get away.””

“How long?”

“About ten, fifteen minutes, maybe? You came home not long after they arrived.” Thank god. If they had been here earlier, who knows what they would have done. 

Iwaizumi makes to ask something else, but in that moment the door opens and Suga returns with two policemen. They introduce themselves, and ask them to explain what happened. Oikawa’s tears are dried up by now, but still Iwaizumi takes care of the talking part. When he’s done, one of the policemen nods. 

“Our colleagues are currently looking for the car your parents left in, and all police stations in the vicinity are informed, so you can be sure they won’t come too far. We will need both of you to make your statements again at the precinct, but for now I’d like you to go to the hospital for a checkup.”

Judging by the agonizing pain in his shoulder, maybe that isn’t such a bad idea.

“Do you need a ride to the hospital?” the other policeman asks, but Suga jumps in right away. “I’ll drive them, my car is right outside.”

“Alright. We’ll follow behind and talk to the hospital personnel to inform them of the situation.”

Iwaizumi nods and makes to stand up. He can’t suppress a groan as another wave of pain shoots up his shoulder, and of course Oikawa notices right away and frowns. “Iwa-chan?”

But Iwaizumi just waves him off. “I just fell on my bad shoulder, that’s all. Where are your crutches?”

“Here,” Suga replies, handing said objects to Oikawa and helping him up. “Can you two make it to the car?”

“Yeah yeah, let’s just go.”

It is kind of hard to get outside and into the car, but they manage and finally they are all seated and on their way. As announced, the police car follows them the whole way to the hospital.

There, they get separated as they both need to be checked – though Oikawa stubbornly insists he’s perfectly fine – and Suga promises to wait for them in the hall. He also says he’ll call Iwaizumi’s parents, too, which Iwaizumi himself has totally forgotten during all the commotion.

And now he’s lying in a hospital bed again, enduring all the X-Rays and tests again, and all he can feel is the pain and the tremendous anger towards Oikawa’s parents. Why did they have to show up? Especially in a time like this, when Oikawa hasn’t been emotionally stable anyways. He hopes the police finds them soon just so he can rip their heads off himself.

He’s so lost in his anger that the realization of what the doctor tells him hits really late. But when it does, it hits hard.

"Some people are a lot like clouds, you know
'Cause life's so much brighter when they go
You rained on my heart for far too long
Couldn't see the thunder for the storm
Because I cut my teeth and bit my tongue
'Till my mouth was dripping blood
But I never dished the dirt, just held my breath
While you dragged me through the mud"

(Medicine - Bring Me The Horizon)

Chapter Text

“I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
I don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow
Every step that I take is another mistake to you”

(Numb - Linkin Park)

Oikawa feels like crying. There’s a burning sensation behind his eyes, and it doesn’t disappear for the whole time, not when the doctor checks him through, not when he’s informed the injuries are still healing well, and not when he goes back to the waiting area. He’s still too shocked to fully realize that he has seen his parents again, that they were really there, that he had faced them. It’s been so long since he has last seen them, and if it were for him, it could have stayed that way.
The terror he felt when his father almost raised his hand at him took him back a few years, but this time was different. This time, there was his Iwa-chan who didn’t even hesitate to protect him, even though he is injured himself.

Oikawa worries about him, though. Iwaizumi’s tests are taking longer than Oikawa’s, and he obviously was in a lot of pain when they arrived here. This gnawing worry is even overshadowing the fact that he will have to talk to the police again, will have to take up that case that he thought was closed.
He doesn’t want to think about that maybe he’ll have to go to court again, so instead, he focuses all his thoughts on Iwaizumi. His Iwa-chan who has saved him once again.

Coming into the waiting room, Oikawa walks over to Suga and sits down next to him.

“Hey,” the other says and puts away the magazine he has been reading. “How did it go?”

“I’m all okay. Obviously, since nothing happened, but I guess they had to check anyways. I haven’t heard from Iwa-chan though.”

“Me neither. They’re probably just running X-Rays on his shoulder, so that might take a bit.”

Oikawa hums and nods, hoping that Suga is right. He doesn’t know what he’ll do if Iwaizumi is injured worse than before... because of him. Before he can think about that any further though, another question forms in his mind. 

“Suga-san, where exactly did you come from?” He didn’t have time to think about it until now, but Iwaizumi went to the store and then somehow Suga appeared and Oikawa still doesn’t really know why. Not that he minds, he doesn’t know where they’d be if Suga hadn’t been there.

“Ah, Iwaizumi called me and asked me to give him a lift to the store,” Suga replies, and Oikawa furrows his brows in confusion.

“The store?” It’s only about ten minutes to walk from Iwaizumi’s house, why would he need a lift there? Was he in pain even before the thing with Oikawa’s parents happened? Guilt starts gnawing away at Oikawa’s gut, he was the one who had practically forced Iwaizumi to go.

“Yeah, the one he was at didn’t have milk bread, so we drove to the one across town.”

That eases Oikawa’s conscience a bit, though he’s still somewhat concerned. There’s a bus driving directly to that store, but if Iwaizumi didn’t take it, maybe he wasn’t in good enough shape to wander around the city alone. Maybe that’s why he called Suga?  Oikawa makes a mental note to ask Iwaizumi about that later, because if that idiot was in pain while going out then he will never, ever whine about milk bread again.

So Suga drove Iwaizumi home, and that’s when they entered that unpleasant scene Oikawa was part of. He doesn’t really feel like talking about it, but he also thinks he owes Suga as much for all that he has done for him.

“You probably wonder what the hell was going on there, huh?” he asks. 

Suga seems surprised at that. “I mean, yeah, but you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. It was just a coincidence that I was there, so it’s none of my business, really.”

“No, you helped us out so much, you should know what was happening. Just...” He takes a deep breath. “Please don’t tell anyone else. Only few people know, and I want it to stay that way.”

Suga nods. “Of course. I promise I won’t tell.”

“Alright.” Oikawa braces himself for the story he’s about to tell, and glances around to make sure there’s nobody listening. “My father used to be a volleyball manager, a rather serious one. That’s how I got into the sport.”

It hurts to remember those times. All he wanted was to please his father, but it never was good enough, not good enough to do it out of fun, not good enough to be a setter when wing spikers are that much flashier.
Suga patiently waits until Oikawa is ready to talk again, he doesn’t interrupt or push, so the latter takes another breath and says, “At some point, he lost his job and that changed him. I think he wanted me to be the best so he could prove to the people that fired him that his son was a future star. He probably thought I would get him his job back and he was so obsessed with the idea that he pushed more and more.”  He paused for a second. “In the end, he became abusive.”

Suga nods sympathetically. There’s no pity in his eyes, and Oikawa is thankful for that.

“I didn’t tell anyone at first, though Iwa-chan suspected something right away. When I chose Seijoh over Shiratorizawa, my father totally lost it and well, I couldn’t really hide that from Iwa-chan anymore.  He was the one who helped me through all the court procedures and I stayed with his family until I got my own place, and well, that’s where I am right now. We got a restraining order, so I didn’t really think I’d ever see my parents again. I mean, you’ve met them, they’re not pleasant people.”

“They surely aren’t,” Suga says softly. “I am sorry you had to live through that.”

Oikawa nods. “I’m lucky to have Iwa-chan by my side.” It’s a very, very short version of the actual story, but this is as far as he’ll go with this talk. He isn’t used to getting so personal with anyone other than Iwaizumi, and it’s making him nervous. So he does his best to pull all his walls back up and puts a smile on his face. “Anyways, enough about that. I don’t wanna waste anymore breath on them. Let’s talk about you, Suga-san.”

Suga raises an eyebrow, but he seems to catch on with Oikawa’s determination to change topics. “Me? To be honest, I think your life has been far more eventful lately than mine.”

Oikawa sighs dramatically. “Right, before today I was only dragging myself through school and lying in bed the other half of the day. Wasn’t really exciting. Please, I haven’t heard any gossip in ages because Iwa-chan never pays attention to that kind of stuff.”

At that, Suga laughs. “Yeah, I wouldn’t think so. But I don’t really have any exciting gossip either.”

“Oh yeah?” Oikawa urges, wiggling his eyebrows. “How about we talk about you and Dai-chan, then?”

It’s barely visible, but there is a slight pink blush forming on Suga’s cheeks, and Oikawa knows he hit the bull’s eye. Suga pretends not to be flustered, though. “I don’t know what you mean.”

“Mhm.” There’s so much bullshit going on around them, distracting himself with things like this is exactly what Oikawa needs right now. “So you’re telling me you and your captain are just totally platonic friends?”

“What else would we be?”

“Never had any butterflies? Never tried to inch closer when sitting next to him? Never felt your heart skip a beat when your hand brushes with his?”

The blush on Suga’s cheeks is darkening now. “No.”

“Liar.”

“Takes one to know one.”

Oikawa gasps in surprise. “Suga-san, how dare you accuse me of such frivolous deeds?”

“Oh, you know exactly what I mean.”

“Are you trying to distract me from the fact that you basically just admitted to have a crush on your captain?”

“I’m pointing out that you are a captain too, and I think you know exactly what it’s like to have feelings for your vice.”

Now, that is not the direction in which he wanted that conversation to go. “Of course I have feelings for Iwa-chan. We’ve known each other forever.”

Suga smiles. “But it’s more than that, isn’t it?”

“Y-you’re just trying to steer this conversation away from you and Dai-chan! I refuse to yield to that!”

“Because you know I’m right.”

“Because I know I am right. So, are you planning on telling him? Wait, did you tell him already?”

“No.”

“So you’re going to.”

“No!”

“Why not?”

“Because...” Suga sighs, finally giving up. “I wouldn’t know how. And if he doesn’t feel the same way, it’ll just ruin everything.”

Oikawa grins in triumph. “That wasn’t so hard now, was it? You’re totally obvious. But you’re also an idiot if you think Dai-chan isn’t head over heels for you, because frankly, he’s about as subtle about his feelings as you are.”

“You can’t know that,” Suga replies, ever blushing.

“Oh but I can. Haven’t you seen me play volleyball, Suga-san? Reading people is my specialty.”

“This isn’t volleyball, though.”

“Ah, details. It comes down to the same thing.”

“I still won’t tell him.”

Before Oikawa can reply, there’s a doctor coming towards them and he closes his mouth instantly, all the worry rushing back into his system. “Are you here with Iwaizumi Hajime?”

Oikawa nods, and suddenly his throat feels dry. “How is he?”

“He is currently being prepared for surgery. We will wait until his parents arrive though.”

It’s like a slap to the face. No, worse, like someone is holding a bell over Oikawa’s head and ringing it so loudly that his ears hurt. “Surgery?” he manages to choke out.

The doctor nods. “It seems he fell on his injured shoulder and shattered his proximal humerus. It’s a displaced fracture, so we have to go with the surgical treatment here.”

“What does that mean, exactly?”

“Well, we are able to save the bone, so that is a positive thing, otherwise we would have had to replace the shoulder. But from what we could see on the X-Rays, we’ll be able to fix it. We will use some plates and screws to secure the broken pieces together, and if everything works out like it should, it’ll heal just fine.”

Despite the doctor’s encouraging tone, Oikawa can’t really feel reassured. The words ‘plates’ and ‘screws’ keep ringing in his mind. “I want to see him.”

The doctor nods. “You may stay with him until his parents arrive. When we have talked to them, we’ll start with the surgery as soon as possible. Follow me.”

Oikawa struggles to stand up with his crutches and looks to Suga, who’s waving his hand as if to shoo him away. “Go ahead, I’ll wait for Iwaizumi's parents here.”

“Thank you,” Oikawa manages to say and then he turns to follow the doctor. They pass through some halls and doors, until they come to a halt. 

“This is his room. If there’s a problem, please call a nurse, and I’ll be back before the surgery starts.”

“Okay.”

Oikawa takes a deep breath to steel himself before he pushes the door open and enters. Iwaizumi is lying in a hospital bed – again – and looks more annoyed than in pain, which is a good sign, Oikawa supposes.

“Hey.” He crosses the room, grabbing a chair on the way and dragging it next to Iwaizumi’s bed. It’s kind of a struggle since he has to take both crutches into one hand and drag the chair with the other, but he manages. Iwaizumi’s eyes are a little glazed and Oikawa hopes it’s just due to the pain medicine. “The doctor told me they’re gonna fix your shoulder up again.”

“Yeah,” Iwaizumi replies gruffly. “I’ll get some metal screwed into my arm. Does that make me a cyborg yet?”

Oikawa chuckles, though the gnawing feeling in his stomach doesn’t disappear. “You wish.”

“Well, you better settle with it because it’s the closest to aliens you’ll ever get.”

“Cyborgs aren’t aliens, Iwa-chan.”

“That movie you forced me to watch said otherwise.”

“They didn’t know what they were talking about.” His eyes wander to Iwaizumi’s shoulder. “Does it hurt?”

Iwaizumi shakes his head and Oikawa notices his eyelids are drooping a bit. “No, I think I’m too drugged up for that now.”

Oikawa doesn’t know if he should be happy about that or not, and the guilt hits him like a freight train again. “I’m sorry.”

Iwaizumi frowns and there’s that sharp crease appearing between his eyebrows like it always does when he’s annoyed. “Shut up, Shittykawa. Nothing that happened was your fault.”

But it’s not true, it can’t be. If it wasn’t for Oikawa, Iwaizumi wouldn’t have leapt at his father, wouldn’t have taken that fall and he wouldn’t have shattered his shoulder, again.

Iwaizumi sighs and grabs Oikawa’s uninjured wrist, pulling him closer. “I know what you’re thinking, but you didn’t ask your parents to come. You didn’t ask me to jump at your father. The fact that I fell on my shoulder was an unfortunate accident and nothing more, so stop feeling guilty about it.”

He really wishes he could. But it’s just the same as it was a few years ago, the ever-present guilt of causing trouble, of burdening Iwaizumi with all his problems. Of course, Iwaizumi never complains, but it doesn’t make Oikawa feel better, because while he’s more than thankful for his friend, he also knows that he can never repay him for all his kindness. And now he got hurt.

“Shittykawa, I don’t have the energy to fight you in this right now, but I need you to understand it’s not your fault. I fucking care about you, and yes, if protecting you means taking a hit sometimes then I’ll gladly do that, so stop sulking about it and suck it up. You’d do the same for me, stop being a hypocrite.”

“I just... I never wanted you to get hurt by them.”

“Well, and I never wanted our bus to crash, but tough fucking luck, we don’t always get what we want. I know you’re a control freak, but some things just are out of your hands. Deal with it.”

He doesn’t know how to argue with that. So instead of trying, he just takes a deep breath to calm himself down and takes Iwaizumi’s hand in his. “Okay,” he simply replies. “Okay.”

Iwaizumi nods in satisfaction and squeezes his hand. “Good. And now tell me what your doctor said.”

Oikawa can’t shake the feeling, but he doesn’t want to upset Iwaizumi either, so he lets it go for now. “Nothing, really. I didn’t get hurt so they just did a routine checkup, and it’s still healing as well as it was before, so there’s no news.”

“In that case, no news is good news. So your wrist is still doing good?”

“Yeah. They said they’ll take a look again in a week and maybe the cast can come off then, but they really want to be sure first since it’s a grade two sprain, in case of doubt I’ll have to wear it a bit longer.”

“Good. I second the idea of all our injuries healing properly from now on instead of getting worse again.”

“Yeah, you aren’t really the poster child for that.”

“That’s why I said ‘from now on’, dumbass.” Iwaizumi closes his eyes for a few second, and it makes Oikawa’s stomach churn. 

It’s like the few times that Iwaizumi fell ill, like that one time he had the flu or when he ate something bad and got food poisoning. He is just so strong all the time that seeing him hurt is unsettling and terrifying at once. People always call Oikawa the leader, the conductor of their volleyball team since he’s captain, but Oikawa knows that if it wasn’t for Iwaizumi, he’d crumble to bits. His best friend is his pillar, the one he can lean on. He’s so weak without him.

“Are there any news from the police yet?” Iwaizumi asks, and Oikawa shakes his head. He doesn’t really want to think about it either, the thought of his parents just makes him nauseous. 

“Then just be careful. Don’t go anywhere alone as long as you don’t have notice from the police yet. If you want to go home before my parents do, ask Suga to stay with you, and don’t answer the door if you don’t know who it is.”

“As if I’d go home when you’re having surgery.”

“It could take a while, and you’re not even supposed to move around as much as you’re doing.”

“We’re in a hospital, at least I won’t have to go far if I collapse.”

“That’s not funny!”

Oikawa chuckles. “Sorry. But I’m still staying.”

Iwaizumi rolls his eyes in exasperation. “At least find a place where you can sit down and rest. If I find out you were pacing around; I’m gonna beat you up with those crutches.”

“That doesn’t even make sense, Iwa-chan! Why would you hurt me for getting hurt?”

“If you’re stupid enough to hurt yourself in the first place, it won’t matter if I add to it.”

“So rude!”

Before Iwaizumi can reply, there’s a knock on the door and Iwaizumi’s parents rush inside.

“Boys!” Iwaizumi’s mother cries and stops in front of Iwaizumi’s bed, half-hugging Oikawa with one arm and grabbing her son’s hand with the other. “Are you alright? I almost had a heart attack when the police called! You really have to stop doing that to your poor mother!”

Oikawa ducks his head a bit. “Sorry.”

It really must have been a shock to Iwaizumi’s parents. Just a few weeks ago they were called by the hospital about the bus crash, and now this.

But Iwaizumi’s mom just whacks his head lightly. “Don’t be silly, it’s not your fault.”

Iwaizumi’s dad joins them, standing left to Oikawa and putting a hand on his shoulder. “What happened? Did they attack you?”

“They tried,” Iwaizumi growls.

“Iwa-chan jumped at my father when he tried to hit me,” Oikawa explains quietly, and Iwaizumi’s mother nods approvingly. 

“That’s my boy. How did they get in though? Did they break in?”

Oikawa feels his stomach churn as he shakes his head. “I thought it was Iwa-chan coming back from the store, and I didn’t check before I opened. I wasn’t fast enough to close the door again either.”

Iwaizumi’s mom squeezes his shoulder gently. “Sweetheart, don’t go blaming yourself. These people don’t have any business being near you, and they knowingly broke the law by approaching. You are not at fault here, okay?”

“Exactly what I said,” Iwaizumi chimes in, and Oikawa nods, forcing back the burning sensation that’s coming up behind his eyes. He’s so thankful to these people. They are the only real family he has ever known, and sometimes he wonders how he could ever get so lucky to have them care about him so much.

“So,” Iwaizumi’s dad said. “It’s surgery again, huh?”

Iwaizumi nods and recites what the doctor has told Oikawa earlier. Both his parents listen closely, his dad nodding from time to time. 

“Alright,” he says when Iwaizumi finishes. “We’ll talk to your doctor again about the risks, but as far as I know these types of surgery usually go well, especially since you’re still young.”

“Went well enough a few weeks ago,” Iwaizumi says, and his father chuckles. 

“We’re still in high spirit, I see.”

“Not really,” Iwaizumi replies. “I'm pretty angry, but I’m also on a lot of pain medication right now so it doesn’t really show.” He directs his gaze at Oikawa. “As soon as they have your parents in custody, I’ll go down to the station and fight them.”

“I’ll cheer,” his mother says.

Oikawa chuckles as Iwaizumi’s father reprimands them both for ‘encouraging violent behavior’. It’s obvious that Iwaizumi’s medication is really starting to kick in now because he loses the few verbal filters he has.

Not long after, the doctor enters the room with a few nurses and tells them it’s time to prepare Iwaizumi for surgery. He talks with Iwaizumi’s parents for a few minutes, showing them the X-Rays and explaining the surgery in detail. Then it’s time for them to go, and Oikawa leans in to hug his best friend, careful not to touch his shoulder. 

“It’s only going to be a few hours, Shittykawa,” Iwaizumi says, but hugs him back nevertheless and squeezes with his uninjured arm.

“Just come back in one piece, yeah?” Oikawa says, and they stay like this for a few seconds before they let go.

Iwaizumi’s parents also see their son off, then Iwaizumi’s mother takes Oikawa’s hand like she used to when he was younger. “Come on, sweetheart.” Almost at the door Oikawa turns once again and waves at Iwaizumi, and the latter gives him a smile. It’s only a small one, but it reassures Oikawa a great deal.

Outside, Iwaizumi’s mother asks, “Do you want me to bring you home? You should still be resting, after all”, but Oikawa shakes his head. 

“No, please. I want to stay.”

She smiles softly. “That’s what I thought. Sugawara is still in the waiting room, how about we go there for now? Then we’ll get you some tea and something to eat.”

Suga is still there indeed, and he tells Oikawa he’s not planning on leaving any time soon. Iwaizumi’s father goes to organize them something to eat and drink, and his mother pulls a chair towards Oikawa and orders him to prop up his bad leg. Oikawa complies only reluctantly because he doesn’t like the looks he’s getting from other people in the waiting room, but once his leg is up he is glad after all to take the weight off of it.

“Now,” Iwaizumi’s mother says. “First of all I want to thank you, Sugawara-kun, for bringing my boys here safely.”

Suga just waves it off. “That goes without saying. I’m glad I could help.”

Iwaizumi’s mother smiles at him appreciatively, then turns to Oikawa. “Now about you, sweetheart. We don’t have to talk about all that stuff right now if you don’t want to, but if there’s anything you want to say, I just want you to know that you can always come to me.”

“Thank you,” Oikawa replies and smiles at her. 

His heart aches in appreciation, even though he knows he won’t take up on the offer. He loves Iwaizumi’s parents with all his heart, but even with them, opening up isn’t really easy. They know about his past because they helped him through most of it, but Oikawa does his best never to break too much in front of them, it’s just something he isn’t used to and probably never will be.
Iwa-chan is the only person who has ever seen him at his worst.

He just hopes the surgery is successful and that there are no complications, and he knows that the doctor said the chances were really high, but waiting and not being able to do anything is still driving Oikawa crazy.
Right now, he doesn’t really care about his parents. He doesn’t care about the fact that he might have to return to court, the one thing he had dreaded years ago and which he thought to be over. He doesn’t even care about the familiar, pulsing pain in his knee.

All he cares about is Iwaizumi, and that he will be alright.

When Iwaizumi wakes up, he doesn’t really know where he is. It takes a few minutes for him to fully realize what happened and why he was unconscious, and then it slowly comes back to him.
A scene pops into his mind, Oikawa cowering on that couch, eyes so wide and desperate like Iwaizumi hasn’t seen them in years. His parents, cornering him. His father, raising his hand. Boiling hot anger pulses through Iwaizumi’s veins, and he tries to sit up. It doesn’t work though, he’s still too groggy and his shoulder feels all weird.

Iwaizumi doesn’t really know how much time passes, but when the door opens and a doctor comes in, he feels a bit clearer in the head. It’s still hard to concentrate on the doctor’s words, though, and that’s why their meaning hits him really late, only when the man has stopped talking.
Complicated. Successful. Recovery time.

He should be glad to hear his shoulder isn’t destroyed beyond repair; he knows that. This is good news, it’s hope. But still it doesn’t sit right with him because even if his shoulder is on the road to recovery now, even though he’s lucky it didn’t get worse, even though he should be happy to be even alive at this point after everything that happened in the last weeks... The word recovery time keeps ringing through his head.
And for the first time he wonders if maybe he has judged Oikawa too harshly in the past, because now he feels like crying himself and it would be something he surely would have reprimanded his best friend for.

His parents come to talk with him first and listen to what the doctor has to say. They’re both visibly relieved, and Iwaizumi gets it, but he just can’t find it in himself to smile

“That’s my boy,” Iwaizumi’s mother says and kisses him on the forehead like she used to do when he was younger. “You’re gonna be okay.”

And he will be, he knows that. He knows it’s irrational that his world feels like it’s crashing down and that he should try and stay positive about everything, because hell, it could have been way worse. But knowing it’s irrational doesn’t make the feeling go away.

When Oikawa enters the room, Iwaizumi is glad that Suga is with him. Having a third person in the room makes it easier for Iwaizumi to keep himself together, and that’s what he needs to do right now. Oikawa has enough on his plate, and the news will hit him hard, too. Nobody needs Iwaizumi breaking down right now, and he won’t. He’s stronger than that.

“Iwa-chan!” Oikawa obviously heard from Iwaizumi’s parents that the surgery was successful, at least if his smile was anything to go by. He crosses the room and sits down in the chair Iwaizumi’s mother sat in not too long ago, and Suga joins him on the chair next to that. 

“How are you feeling?” Oikawa asks. His smile isn’t the usual flashy one, but it isn’t ingenuine either. He just... looks a bit tired. It makes Iwaizumi wonder how long the surgery took since he didn’t think to ask anyone for the time yet.

“I’m good. Still a bit out of it, but the doctor said that will pass soon.”

“That’s good to hear,” Suga says. “Your parents told us there weren’t any complications during your surgery, and that they managed to fix it all up again.”

“So you really are a cyborg now,” Oikawa adds.

“Any news from the police?” Iwaizumi asks. He has to tell Oikawa, and the better the sooner, but he doesn’t know how to say it without sounding too bothered by it. Because he can’t be, for Oikawa’s sake.

Oikawa’s expression darkens a bit. “Yeah. They found them trying to leave town.”

At least that is a good thing, though it also means Oikawa will have to go through with all the legal procedures again, that he will have to go to court and face the two people that made his life a living hell, again.  Last time, the court settled with a restraining order and later on with a quite high fine for Oikawa’s parents when they had broken the order, and Oikawa was so desperate to break away from that life that he didn’t even care. It wasn’t justice he wanted, Iwaizumi knows that, he just wanted to be free of them. But this time, Iwaizumi would make damn sure that Oikawa would sue them to hell and back.

“Good,” Iwaizumi simply replies. There’s lots more to talk about, but now isn’t the time for that.

“Mattsun and Makki called,” Oikawa says. “They threatened to come over and crash the party, but I could stop them just in time. They do want updates though.”

“Did you tell them what happened?” Iwaizumi asks, and Oikawa nods. Both Makki and Mattsun know about Oikawa’s backstory, so Iwaizumi can imagine just too well how outraged they are. It’s a miracle Oikawa managed to keep them from storming the hospital.

“The first-years don’t know yet, though. They asked when we’re coming back to practice in the group chat.”

And there it is. Iwaizumi knows he has to take this chance, there’s no gentle way of telling Oikawa this.

“I won’t be able to join practice for a while.”

“Well, duh,” Oikawa replies. “They’ll have to wait another few weeks then, we just should inform then that there was another incident.”

But Iwaizumi shakes his head. “That’s not what I meant.” He steels himself, keeping the hurt out of his voice as best as he can. “I won’t be playing anymore this season.”

“Let down your guard, lift up your arms
Salute to the sky and be thankful you're here
The man in the mirror's the one that you fear the most
And just like a ghost, you'll escape your fate
You must not lose your hope”

(Born To Lead - Falling In Reverse)

Chapter Text

“Well don't lean on me 'cause
I am falling, please don't fall with me
I really need you here
Yeah I need you so don't leave
And don't count on me 'cause
I am drowning, please don't drown with me
Just hold me in your heart
Let the ocean take me“

(Don’t Lean On Me - The Amity Affliction)

“I won’t be playing anymore this season.”

Oikawa stares at him as if he has lost his mind. “What are you talking about? We have plenty of time left! We’ll fall behind on practice and stuff, but we’ll be back in a few weeks and everyone who isn’t injured is training at Karasuno! This season isn’t over, you said so yourself after the crash!”

“It is for me.”

“Iwa-chan, what are you talking about?” Oikawa’s eyes are wide and alarmed, and Iwaizumi can see that he already knows. But Oikawa wouldn’t be Oikawa if he would just accept something he didn’t want to be real, so Iwaizumi says it out loud. 

“The doctor said this fracture is complicated, and not stable. It’s going to take a long time to heal.”

“They said the surgery went well,” Oikawa chokes out.

“It did. They fixed what they could, but that doesn’t make my shoulder less fucked up. It might take up to a year to heal.”

Oikawa’s lips move, silently repeating the words ‘a year’. Iwaizumi can read it written all over his face, the shock, the sadness, the hurt. But they aren’t alone. Suga is here too, and that is probably the reason why Oikawa does that one thing that Iwaizumi hates the most: He pulls up his walls. An empty smile appears on his lips, not as flashy as his usual one since this is a serious matter after all, his features smoothen out and his shoulders drop down from their tense state. An eerie atmosphere surrounds Oikawa now, as if he’s not even feeling anything, as if all his emotions have left his body.
Only his eyes tell Iwaizumi otherwise. Those hazel orbs are swimming in sadness.

“That’s really sad to hear, Iwa-chan,” Oikawa says so devoid of emotion that it seems almost casual, like an empty greeting.

Iwaizumi wants to grab him and headbutt him in the nose until he drops the act, but he’s stuck in this hospital bed and he can barely move. He doesn’t want Oikawa to be sad, of course he doesn’t, but what he wants even less is for him to shut everything out and deal with the sadness alone like he used to, because he thought they were through with this hide and seek of emotions.
He wants Oikawa to do anything, to scream, to cry, but he won’t as long as there are people around, even if it’s just Suga. And once the walls are up, they’ll be near impossible to tear down.
Oikawa tends to get lost in himself rather quick.

“Suga-san, can you give us a minute?” Iwaizumi asks. He doesn’t know if Suga noticed the change in Oikawa’s attitude – most people don’t, since he has perfected his act over the years. It’s not easy seeing through Oikawa’s façade, even Makki and Mattsun who are Oikawa’s closest friends next to Iwaizumi struggle sometimes.
But not Iwaizumi. He knows, and he also knows he has to talk to him alone to get him to drop the act.

But Oikawa seems to have other plans, he gets up before Suga can, leaning on his crutches for support. “Actually, I’m gonna call Mattsun and Makki. They’ll want to hear that you’re okay.”

“Oikawa...”

But he is almost out of the door already. “See you later.” The door closes behind him, and Iwaizumi curses under his breath. That stubborn idiot. And the worst thing is that he is stuck in this bed, unable to go after Oikawa like he normally would.

“Did I miss something?” Suga looks downright confused.

“I... No. He’s probably upset, but he’ll be fine,” Iwaizumi answers, but he doesn’t really believe his own words. There’s no telling how Oikawa will handle this and if he will calm down, it’s Oikawa Tooru after all and he’s always been unpredictable. “Actually, never mind. Could you maybe go after him? Just to make sure he doesn’t do anything stupid.”

It would be Iwaizumi’s job normally, and if he could, he’d already be out the door. But he’s stuck in this bed for now, and god, it sucks.

“Of course,” Suga says and stands up. “Should I talk to him about it?”

Iwaizumi shakes his head. “It’s probably no use. If you could just make sure that he isn’t alone, and that he doesn’t run off to god knows where all on his own.”

Oikawa has a habit of running when life gets too much for him to handle. Iwaizumi can’t even recall all the times he had to look for his best friend all over town, always finding him in the most unlikely spots, even though by now he knows his favorite hiding spots and the searches don’t last as long anymore. But now Oikawa is on crutches, so he can’t have gone too far yet.

Suga takes his leave, and Iwaizumi thanks him with a tired smile. He’s holding it together when the door closes behind Suga. He’s holding it together when a nurse comes in to check on him. He’s holding it together when his parents bring him food.

But when he’s finally all alone, Iwaizumi cries.

He cries because it’s his last year at Seijoh and he won’t be playing with his team ever again, because all his dreams of going to nationals are being crushed, because he has upset Oikawa and he knows his best friend takes it to heart just as much, if not even more than Iwaizumi himself.
It was their shared dream to play nationals together and now it can’t happen, ever.

They won’t beat Shiratorizawa together. They won’t stand on the same court wearing Seijoh’s colors anymore. They were supposed to have a year left, and now there’s nothing.

Iwaizumi doesn’t cry often, but when he does, it feels like the world is ending. And this time, a part of his world did die indeed.

Oikawa makes it as far as the hospital parking lot before he stops walking. There isn’t really a place he can go, even though he just wants to hide away right now and never come out. He has his phone in his hand, and he knows he is supposed to call Makki and Mattsun, but he can’t bring himself to do it yet. How can he tell them that Iwaizumi is fine? Because it isn’t fine, not at all. Iwaizumi will not be playing for Seijoh anymore, the last toss Oikawa sent to him was just a stupid practice toss and there will be no more from this point. Nothing is fine. Not Iwaizumi, not Oikawa, not the situation.

Suga finds him far too quickly, but it isn’t like Oikawa hasn’t expected Iwaizumi to send him after him. Because of course Iwaizumi noticed he was upset, he always does.

“Hey,” Suga says casually, as if Oikawa’s world hasn’t just broken down. But he reprimands himself quickly for even thinking that, because it isn’t Suga’s fault, and he won’t take this out on him. Instead, he puts a smile on his lips. It feels wrong, but he’s used to that.

“Hello Suga-san. Sorry, I needed a bit of air. I’m getting tired of breathing in the hospital smell.”

Suga nods and sits down next to Oikawa on the little stone wall. “I get that. You’ve been here quite often over the last few weeks, after all.”

“Yeah. Anyways, it’s getting kind of late, isn’t it? Are your parents okay with you being here?”

“I called them already, and they don’t mind.”

“I’m not trying to get rid of you or anything, I just don’t want you to feel obligated to stay. Iwaizumi’s parents are here now so it’s totally okay if you want to head home.”

Suga chuckles slightly and picks up a pebble that is sitting on the stone wall next to him. “No, that’s okay. I will be leaving in some time, but if I went home without being sure you’re all okay, I’d just be losing sleep.”

“I think we are okay,” Oikawa says and tries to smile again. “Iwa-chan’s shoulder is all fixed up, and I’m not even hurt.”

“That’s not what I mean,” Suga replies gently. “It’s none of my business, really, so we don’t have to talk about it, but I’m not leaving yet.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Oikawa mumbles, but of course he does. 

He just didn’t think Suga could figure him out that easily. Iwaizumi can, of course, but that’s Iwaizumi. Other people usually don’t, but then again, maybe Iwaizumi said something when he sent Suga after Oikawa. Just thinking of Iwaizumi makes Oikawa feel guilty. He should be in there comforting him, because he knows his friend isn’t as indifferent about not being able to play this season as he makes out to be, but Oikawa doesn’t know how to comfort him and that makes him feel like a really shitty friend.

“It’s selfish,” Oikawa says quietly. “But I despise the fact that Iwa-chan can’t play anymore. I should be consoling him, but I don’t know how.”

“I think he feels the same way,” Suga replies.

“Probably. It’s just that he always is there for me when I’m feeling down, but now this major thing happens and I can’t even bring myself to speak to him. Of course it isn’t okay, but I don’t have the right to whine about this. It’s his life, not mine.”

“But you do have a right to be sad about it. If Daichi wouldn’t be able to play anymore, I would probably cry for days.”

“I’m not crying!”

“I never said you were.”

Oikawa looks away, wiping at his eyes because he is very much not crying at all. “I just... volleyball won’t be the same without Iwa-chan. There’s a reason I always toss to him when I get nervous. And I hate the idea of losing that. I hated it even before this stupid thing with his shoulder. He won’t be attending the same university, so we won’t be playing together after high school, but we were supposed to have another year. I should be sad for him that he can’t play anymore, but I’m sadder for myself because he won’t be playing with me. Now tell me, Suga-san, isn’t that selfish?”

To his surprise, Suga shakes his head. “I don’t think so, no. If I imagine myself getting hurt and others crying about it because they want me by their side on the court so badly... I think I would be flattered, not angry.”

Oikawa snivels. “I’m not crying.”

“Figuratively speaking, of course.”

“Hm.”

They sit like this for some time in silence, but Oikawa doesn’t let it go on for too long. He’s not the type to stay quiet, not even when the silence is comfortable.

“So, did you call Dai-chan already?” 

It’s getting dark outside, but he still doesn’t miss the faint pink blush on Suga’s cheeks. “Why would I call him?”

“Well, to tell him what’s going on, obviously.”

But Suga shrugs. “I texted him that I had to take you to the hospital, nothing more.” Of course, he made Suga promise not to tell anyone about what really happened.

“You can tell him, you know.”

At that, Suga raises his eyebrows in surprise. “Really?”

“Yeah,” Oikawa replies and a grin spreads on his lips. “If you confess to him, that is. It’s my only condition.”

Suga rolls his eyes in exasperation. “I already told you, I’m not going to.”

“Why not though?”

“We’ve been through this, Oikawa-san. Why do you insist on it, anyways?”

“Uh... because I’m an awesome matchmaker?”

“Maybe you should figure your own life out before.”

Oh no, he was not having that conversation again. “What about Tobio-chan? Are there any crushes I can tease him with? No wait, he’s probably way too awkward to even talk to people, right? Poor Tobio-chan, not everyone can be a people person.”

Suga chuckles. “Well, I wouldn’t call him a people person either, but I think he’s managing well enough. You just have to find the right people to match his personality.”

“Oh, so he does have a crush?”

“I’m not telling.”

“Come on, Suga-san, that’s no fun!”

“Neither is Kageyama being angry at me!”

“Psh,” Oikawa replies. “He’s not that scary. He’s not even that tall.”

“I really don’t think height is a factor here. Iwaizumi isn’t that tall either, but if he came charging at me, I’d definitely run.”

Oikawa has to admit that’s very true. Even though he has outgrown Iwaizumi with the years, the other built up an impressive amount of muscle and filled out everywhere except in height. If he didn’t know Iwaizumi, he might be intimidated too. But still, he waves it off.

“Ah, Iwa-chan isn’t as scary as it seems. He couldn’t hurt a fly.”

“Didn’t he headbutt you so hard that your nose started to bleed once?”

“Well...”

“And didn’t he kick your legs out from under you when you refused to go to sleep at training camp?”

“That was...”

“And that one time, he spiked a ball right to your face when you kept making fun of Kageyama.”

“Yes, yes, okay. What I meant is that you’d have to make Iwa-chan really angry to get him to be violent. I don’t count.”

Sure, they sometimes bicker and scuffle with each other, but it’s just what they’re used to doing. Oikawa knows for a fact that Iwaizumi would never really hurt him, because years ago, when he appeared on Iwaizumi’s doorstep bleeding and crying, Iwaizumi went through the roof and almost marched over to Oikawa’s house to take on his father himself.
Iwaizumi can’t stand to see him hurt, Oikawa knows that, and it’s exactly the same the other way around. That’s why he’s so scared to go back in and face him in that hospital bed.

“You two are really weird,” Suga says, and Oikawa pouts. 

“Suga-san! That’s not a nice thing to say!”

“But it’s true! You care about each other so aggressively, it’s a whole new definition of tough love. It’s not really surprising that Kageyama is your kouhai, the way he acts with Hinata.”

“Aha! So Tobio-chan does have a crush!”

“What makes you think that?”

“You just said he’s acting like Iwa-chan and me with Hinata!”

It’s only when Suga smiles that Oikawa realizes how his own words sound. “So you do admit it.”

“Shut up!” Oikawa grumbles and he hopes to god he isn’t blushing right now. “You put words in my mouth there.”

“I don’t think so.”

“Weren’t you the one telling me to get my own life together before starting to match-make? Maybe you should take your own advise now and then, Suga-san.”

“I didn’t even do anything.”

“Good.” In that moment, his phone vibrates in his hand and he looks down to see Iwaizumi’s name on the display, along with that stupid picture Oikawa took years ago. He stole Iwaizumi’s phone and switched on its camera, and the picture shows Iwaizumi charging at him and yelling something. Oikawa doesn’t remember what he said, but probably something obscene. 

For some reason, his throat feels really tight as he looks at the picture now, and he almost forgets to pick up until Suga asks, “Aren’t you going to get that?”

He accepts the call and raises the phone to his ear. “Iwa-chan?”

“Can we talk?” Iwaizumi’s voice is serious, but Oikawa can also hear that he sounds tired. It hasn’t been too long since Oikawa left, maybe an hour, but talking to Suga has calmed him down a bit, though the graveness of the situation still is suffocating him.

“Yeah. I’ll come back in.”

“In? Where are you?”

“Just the parking lot. Suga is here too.”

“Oh. Good.”

“See ya.” He hangs up and turns to Suga. “I’ll go talk to Iwa-chan.” He kind of dreads the conversation, but he owes Iwaizumi to be there for him. He owes him everything.

“Alright,” Suga says and stands up. “Then I think I’ll drive back home now. I’ll be back though, and please keep me updated.”

Oikawa nods. “Will do. And thank you, Suga-san, again. For everything.”

Suga smiles in return. “Don’t mention it. Goodbye, Oikawa-san. And remember that you aren’t selfish for hurting. It’s only natural.” And with that, he turns around and leaves.

Oikawa enters the hospital again, walking through the hallways until he reaches Iwaizumi’s door. He doesn’t knock, because knocking hasn’t ever really been a thing between them, and Iwaizumi doesn’t seem fazed by it now either. Oikawa steels himself and puts on his smile, but as soon as he does so, Iwaizumi frowns.

“Hey, Iwa-chan.” He sits down on one of the chairs. “Sorry for leaving, I just needed some air.”

“Stop it,” Iwaizumi growls. “Stop acting like you’re fine, like you’re okay with this. I know you’re not.”

“I’m... Of course I’m not fine with it. You’re hurt.”

“That’s not what I mean!” Iwaizumi looks exhausted, there are dark circles under his eyes and he constantly has to lean back against the pillows for support, but the fury in his eyes is still blazing the same as ever. “I know what you’re feeling, what I don’t get is why you think you have to hide it from me. Do you still think that stupid façade works on me? You know better than that!”

“I’m not hiding anything!”

“Oh, is that why all I got was a ‘That’s very sad to hear’? What the fuck, Shittykawa!”

“What do you want me to say? Of course it isn’t okay! The whole situation is fucked up!” And I’m the one who brought you into this, Oikawa thinks.

Iwaizumi’s voice is getting louder now. “Then fucking act like it! I think I deserve more than an empty phrase from you!”

And with that, Oikawa snaps too. “You were the one who told me not to cry about it! This is not about me!”

Iwaizumi groans in annoyance. “I told you not to blame yourself, yes. I didn’t tell you to bottle all of your emotions up and never talk about them again, because honestly, I thought we were past that.”

“I don’t know what you want from me.”

“I want you to stop shutting me out!”

“I’m not!”

“Don’t fucking lie to me!”

“I’m not!”

They stare at each other, both breathing heavily.

Oikawa knows he isn’t being a hundred percent honest, but he really doesn’t know what to do. He won’t whine to Iwaizumi about how broken up he is over this, how much he hates the fact that Iwaizumi can’t play anymore, because Iwaizumi is sad enough about that himself, he doesn’t need to add to that burden. He just wants to support him by staying strong, like Iwaizumi himself always does, but something doesn’t seem to go right and Oikawa doesn’t know how to fix it.

“Oikawa, when the doctors told you that you would need weeks to heal after the crash, you were completely devastated. And now they tell me I’ll be out for a year, and you act as if that’s no big deal?”

Because you stayed strong for me, too. Because I want you to rely on me the way I could always rely on you.

“Of course it is a big deal.”

“Then why don’t you act like it?”

“What do you want me to do? Throw a tantrum? Iwa-chan, at this point I’m just glad it isn’t worse. As you told me, we’re lucky to be alive, so if you’re going to be okay in the end, that’s all that matters.”

“So you’re fine with me not playing?”

“Of course not! But I’m more than fine with you being alive and healthy. Aren’t you the one always lecturing me on how volleyball isn’t the most important thing in life?”

“But it is for you. So I don’t get why you act as if it doesn’t bother you.”

“Iwa-chan, I told you...”

But Iwaizumi interrupts him. “No. You pulled your walls up, and you act as if you’re fine with this. I know that. I just don’t get why.”

Because I can’t be that selfish. It wouldn’t be fair to you.

“You’re really concerned because you being healthy matters more to me than being able to play volleyball with you?”

“No. I’m concerned because being able to play with me seems to mean so little to you in general. Otherwise you would be crying and screaming and cursing the entire world right now.”

Internally, he is. “I really don’t get you. First you yell at me because I’m making this situation about me, now you yell at me for not doing that.”

“I yelled at you for blaming yourself. This isn’t the same.”

But in Oikawa’s eyes, it is. He doesn’t get why Iwaizumi is so keen on seeing him break down, being the one seeking comfort again when all he wants to do is stay strong and be the one to provide comfort for once. Why does that have to be so difficult?

They stare at each other some more, then Iwaizumi sighs and falls back against his pillows again. ”You know what, never mind. You wanna keep pretending? Be my guest.”

“I told you, I’m not...”

“I am not up for your shit right now, Oikawa. Either drop the act or leave, but I’m too tired to keep fighting with you.”

“Iwa-chan...”

“You heard me.”

It feels like his world is crashing down around him all over again. He wants to do everything Iwaizumi suggested, to cry, to scream, to curse the entire world. But he can’t, so he doesn’t.

Instead, he gets up quietly and heads for the door. When he turns back, Iwaizumi has his eyes closed and very demonstratively doesn’t move a muscle, so Oikawa takes the hint and leaves. It kills him inside. Every step he takes away from the room hurts more and more, because he doesn’t even understand why they were fighting, and how it came this far. Usually, when Iwaizumi and he argue, it’s only small things that don’t last long. Real fighting is rare. When it does happen though, it eats away at Oikawa’s soul.

All he wants to do is run back to Iwaizumi’s room and make up with him, but he doesn’t even know how he would do that because he doesn’t really get what he did wrong. Of course he was putting up an act when he pretended it didn’t bother him as much that he won’t be playing with Iwaizumi anymore. But he did that for Iwaizumi’s sake. It just won’t get into Oikawa’s head why Iwaizumi isn’t glad about the fact that Oikawa isn’t a crybaby about this, why he isn’t glad that Oikawa tries to be mature and deal with the situation.

He walks towards the waiting room, crutches clicking against the cold hospital floor, and he’s so lost in thought that he barely registers what Iwaizumi’s parents say.
They drive home about half an hour later, and Oikawa doesn’t say a word. Either Iwaizumi’s parents know something is wrong or they just assume he is tired, either way, they don’t press it, just ask if he needs anything and then send him off to bed.

Oikawa can’t sleep right away, he’s lying in bed in the guest room and staring at the ceiling. There’s too much going on in his head right now, everything that has happened today, his parents, the surgery, his fight with Iwaizumi.
After what feels like hours he drifts away into a restless sleep, but not long after he jerks awake again, drenched in sweat and with tears running down his cheeks. The nightmare leaves him so shaken up that he doesn’t even hesitate to get up and tip-toe across the hall, opening Iwaizumi’s door and slipping inside.

Of course Iwaizumi isn’t here, but it’s still his room, it smells like him, it looks like him, and it feels like home to Oikawa. He’s always been safe here.

He crawls into Iwaizumi’s bed and pulls the covers around him. The terror from the nightmare is still pulsing through him, but he calms himself down by letting his eyes wander the room and taking in all the little details.

The neatly stacked schoolwork on Iwaizumi’s desk. The little plush Godzilla sitting on his gaming console. The weird little ball on his desk that Iwaizumi always starts kneading in his hand when he’s concentrating on something. The pictures stuck to his wardrobe; it’s too dark to recognize what they show, but Oikawa knows anyways. 

There’s one showing the two of them when they were about seven years old, proudly holding jars with two bugs they caught into the camera. Iwaizumi was grinning, too, and there was a gap where his first tooth had fallen out. Oikawa remembers being so jealous that each evening, he stood in front of the bathroom mirror and thoroughly inspected his own teeth to check if any of them were loose already.
Then there’s another one of Iwaizumi on his twelfth birthday, a cake with lit candles in front of him, and Oikawa and Iwaizumi’s family in the background waving.
Another one shows Iwaizumi, Oikawa, Mattsun and Makki. They were around sixteen years old when the picture was taken; it was a warm summer evening and they had gone out for a picnic.
And then there’s that other picture. It only shows Oikawa, a selfie he took some years ago and stuck to Iwaizumi’s wardrobe as a prank to see how long it would take him to notice. It went unnoticed for about three weeks, but when Iwaizumi realized, he whacked Oikawa on the head. He never took it down, though.

All the happy memories and the warm feeling of home slowly let Oikawa drift back to sleep. It’s still a restless night, but the nightmares aren’t as bad as they were before, and every time he wakes up, he immediately realizes where he is and that he is safe.
He makes it through the night okay. But still, he just wishes Iwaizumi was there with him, to hold him and comfort him like he used to.

“How am I supposed to
See through your eyes?
When you never saw the stars
Were falling at your feet“

(Glass Hearts - Of Mice & Men)

Chapter Text

“And I let the sadness empty from my heart
'Cause in my dreams I feel I'm falling
And I hear the darkness calling
Don't wake me up until the morning's light”

(Dream Run - Parkway Drive)

When Oikawa wakes up the next day, there are about a hundred missed calls from Makki and Mattsun on his phone. Out of reflex, he calls back before he’s even fully awake. Mattsun picks up on the first ring.

“Oikawa, what the fuck, you said you would call again! What the fuck happened? Is everyone okay? We were worried, you ass!”

Oikawa whines. “I’m sorry, okay? Stuff happened and I kind of forgot.”

“You forgot? Is Iwaizumi okay?”

“Yeah. Fine.”

“Then what the fuck happened?”

Oikawa groans and rolls onto his side. “We had a fight.”

“Oh.” Mattsun is quiet for a few seconds. “Why?”

“I don’t know,” Oikawa replies. It’s true, he doesn’t really know what happened or why Iwaizumi is so upset about him not losing face.

“What do you mean, you don’t know? He was high on painkillers and hit you?”

“No, I just don’t know what he wants from me. It doesn’t matter, Mattsun, as I said, he’s fine. The surgery was successful, and he just has a lot of recovery time ahead of him now.”

“How long?”

Way too long. Way too fucking long, because the universe decided to fuck them over again. “Can’t say for sure. But it might take up to a year, and he said he won’t be playing anymore this season.”

“What?” Mattsun yells so loud that Oikawa whines and holds the phone a little further from his ear. “How exactly is he fine then?”

“He’s alive, for one,” Oikawa remarks. “And his shoulder will heal. It’s just gonna take a while.”

“What the hell, Oikawa, why aren’t you more upset about this?” Why on earth was everyone so keen on seeing him break down lately? 

“Because I decided to see the good in this,” he growls. “Iwa-chan could have been dead, so forgive me for being relieved that he’ll be okay.”

“That... sorry, that’s not what I meant,” Mattsun says. “I’m just surprised, is all. I thought you’d be...”

Crying. Screaming. Cursing the world. But he can’t this time, for Iwaizumi’s sake. He needs to stay strong for once and he’ll be damned if he can’t do it for his best friend.

“Well, I’m not. Can you tell Makki, please? I’ll go get breakfast now.”

“Oikawa, wait. You still didn’t tell me about the fight.”

“Because there’s nothing to tell. Bye, Mattsun.”

“Wait, don’t...”

But Oikawa hangs up. He doesn’t have the energy to talk about this to Mattsun, too, because if Iwaizumi can’t understand, then Mattsun won’t either. It’s all so tiring, and that says a lot considering Oikawa is usually pretty energetic.

The night has been hard, though, so it takes him longer to get out of bed as usual. He grabs the blanket with the little monster drawings on it – a gift for Iwaizumi’s fifteenth birthday – and wraps it around his shoulders as he makes his way to the bathroom.
As he enters the hallway, he meets Iwaizumi’s mom who’s carrying a laundry basket. Her surprise to see him leaving Iwaizumi’s room lasts only for about a second before her expression softens and she smiles. 

“Good morning, dear. Do you want some breakfast?”

Oikawa nods and rubs at his eyes. “Yeah, please. Aren’t you working today?”

“I took the day off, so you and me can drive to the hospital later on.”

Oikawa nods again, but there’s a weird feeling settling in his stomach. He isn’t even sure if Iwaizumi wants to see him; he was the one who told him to leave yesterday after all, but he also doesn’t want to stay home and not visit him. It would feel wrong, too.

They go downstairs and Iwaizumi’s mom starts preparing breakfast. Since this house is more of a home to him than his own ever was, Oikawa knows his way around the kitchen and helps out without being asked to.  Iwaizumi’s mom turns on the radio and hums along as they potter around in the kitchen, and it gives Oikawa a warm feeling. This is his safe space, it always has been.

They sit down and Iwaizumi’s mom pours them tea, and the first few minutes they just eat in comfortable silence which is only filled by the radio playing soft tunes. When Iwaizumi’s mom is finished, she picks up her tea cup and blows at it, her gaze resting on Oikawa over the rim. 

“Now, I think the police already told you that you have to go down to the precinct to make your statement again.”

Oikawa lowers his own gaze to his almost empty plate. “Yeah.” He didn’t really want to think about it, but of course he has to face it at some point.

“I can drive you there before we go to the hospital. I think it’s best to get it out of the way as soon as possible.”

Oh. He didn’t think he would have to face it that soon. “So... doesn’t Iwa-chan have to go too?”

“They’ll probably take his statement in the hospital since he has to stay there for a few days, and of course they want this case to progress as quickly as possible.”

The idea doesn’t sit well with Oikawa. Last time he had to go through these procedures, Iwaizumi went with him to the precinct, and when he had to take breaks during giving his statement because it was too distressing, Iwaizumi was waiting right outside and calmed him down again.
Oikawa can’t imagine doing this without him. There’s no way he’s strong enough for that, but on the other hand, he also wants to be stronger now that Iwaizumi has enough problems himself. 
If he can stay calm while hearing that Iwaizumi won’t play for the rest of the season, then surely, he can go to the precinct alone. In this time, he refuses to be a burden to his best friend anymore, not when he’s the reason he got hurt, even though Iwaizumi insists that isn’t the case.
So he nods.

Iwaizumi’s mom notices the hesitation, of course. “We can ask them to come here for the statement, if you’re more comfortable with that.”

But Oikawa shakes his head. “No, no it’s fine. I’ve done it before, so I know how it works anyway. It’s not that big of a deal.” It is, though, but Iwaizumi’s mom can’t see through his perfect façade of lies like her son does, so she believes him.

But then the next words come, and they strike Oikawa to the core. “I spoke with the police yesterday, and there’s something else you need to know before you go there.”

Oikawa’s throat tightens and he digs his nails into his palms. Whatever it is, he’s not sure he’s ready to hear it. “What did they say?”

“When they found your parents, they had the restraining order with them and... I’m afraid it expired two weeks ago.”

The words barely register in his brain. The floor is swaying and the walls come crashing down and the silence lingering in the air is so loud it’s deafening. How? How could that happen?  Iwaizumi’s mother squeezes his shoulder, and he’s sure it’s meant to be reassuring, but he can barely feel it. He can’t move, can’t think, can barely breathe.

“I’m so sorry dear, we all knew that after three years an appointment for a hearing had to be made again, but with all the chaos with the accident and so on, it slipped all our minds. There probably was a notice in your mail, but you’ve been staying here all this time…”

Oikawa’s fingers feel numb as he takes out his wallet from his pocket, pulling out a folded piece of paper. It’s old and crinkled, and he hasn’t looked at it in a long time, there hasn’t been any need to, and yet it remained in his wallet because he was told to keep copies of it everywhere. There is one with Iwaizumi’s parents, one in Iwaizumi’s wallet, one at the school, three in his own apartment, one at the place he used to work and basically everywhere he goes on a regular basis, just in case, just to be safe, and still he hasn’t looked at it in what feels like forever.
But now as he unfolds it and stares down at the official restraining order that was issued against his parents, it hits him like a brick and there’s a ringing in his ears that drowns out all the surrounding sounds.

There it is, black numbers on a white sheet, the expiration date that was two weeks ago.

He knows he hasn’t checked his mailbox in forever, and he also knows he never looks into his calendar these days where he’s sure he’s marked the day down... this is his own fault. How on earth could he have been so stupid? His chest tightens once again as he realizes what this means.

His parents didn’t break any law, they were free to visit him, free to see him, and for the first time in many years, Oikawa feels the type of fear that he had never wanted to feel again. All these years he had the law on his side, and he had Iwaizumi to protect him, but now he has neither and it’s all back to square one. He’s as defenseless as he was back then, and it terrifies him.

“Are you okay, honey? Look, I know this comes as a shock, but it doesn’t have to mean anything. Even if they were legally allowed to come here as for now, they attacked you, so you can file a new restraining order and it’ll all go back to normal, okay? The judge has no reason not to grant it.”

Oikawa nods, but still the fear clawing at his chest doesn’t subside. It was bad enough, thinking he might have to go to court again, but at least that would have been a clear case. A restraining order violation is plain and simple, there’s not much room for discussion and even though it still scared Oikawa, at least the outcome was predictable. But now? Nothing about this is certain, nothing at all, and it takes the breath from his lungs.

Iwaizumi’s mother keeps saying reassuring things in a gentle voice, but he barely hears her as he nods along. He almost doesn’t react when she tells him it’s time to get ready.

In the shower, Oikawa finds it even harder to breathe and he can feel the tightness in his chest pulling together more and more, and he has to sit down and hug his legs, rocking back and forth while he rides the panic attack out. Usually, Iwaizumi is by his side to help him through this. It’s much harder to pull himself out all alone.

Somehow he never noticed how dependent he really is on his best friend, but now that Iwaizumi isn’t here, Oikawa realizes how weak he is. He kind of hates himself for it. It’s so hard to do all this by himself, but that means that Iwaizumi usually deals with this in his place, and now that he has to face it alone, Oikawa really wonders how the hell Iwaizumi never got tired of it. It’s so hard, how could he stay by his side all this time?
His bad conscience grows more and more. How can Iwaizumi do it? Dealing with his own thoughts is literal hell, and Oikawa doesn’t get how anyone would voluntarily do so.

He can’t keep this up. He can’t keep burdening Iwaizumi with all this, it’s not fair. Especially now that he got hurt.

Oikawa stays in the shower for way too long, but he can’t make his tears stop falling, and he can’t keep his mind from spinning. He brought so much problems into Iwaizumi’s life, and Iwaizumi never asked for anything in return. Oikawa knows he can be annoying, he knows he’s not always easy to deal with, but as he spirals down and realizes more and more what a goddamn mess his own mind is, he really wonders why people still bother to care. Why do they stay? Is it out of pity? Because they’re already in too deep, and feel like they can’t back out now?

Maybe this is why so few people are actually really close to him. He’s popular at school, sure, but most people that call themselves his friends know basically nothing about him. Not even all of his teammates do. None of his relationships ever last long, and they are barely anything more than physical. He can count the people he really considers close on one hand.
Maybe he’s been so lost in his own act that he never realized people really don’t want to deal with him. That’s why the façade exists in the first place, because he’d never show his true self for the whole world to see. They wouldn’t like him, and he would totally understand.

But why the hell does Iwaizumi always stay? He’s the person who knows the most real parts of Oikawa, and he always stayed by his side.

Until now.

Maybe they finally reached a point where even his Iwa-chan can’t take it anymore, and Oikawa has been so afraid of that day for so long, even though he always counted on it to come eventually. But he’s the reason Iwaizumi has to give up volleyball in his last year of high school, so he supposes it’s only fair enough that that was the point where Iwaizumi’s good will reached its limit. It’s not like he can blame him.

It still hurts though. It really fucking hurts.

He cries until Iwaizumi’s mother knocks on the bathroom door and tells him they have to leave soon. He gets out of the shower, styles his hair and puts his appearance back together, but it has never been harder. 

There’s a constant ache in his soul. He just wishes his parents had stayed away, he wishes Iwaizumi had never walked in, he wishes he could just be a regular person with regular problems and not the one giant mess that he is. He gets why Iwaizumi is fed up with him, of course he does, because who the hell could manage to deal with him for that long, but that doesn’t mean it’s not ripping him apart to lose his best friend like this.
When he steps out of the bathroom, he’s hurting so much that he just feels numb.

His usual act is harder to maintain, he tries to make conversation with Iwaizumi’s mom, but every smile that he puts on his lips feels empty and wrong. He still makes it, somehow.  He may be bad at dealing with his emotions, but he’s a pro at keeping them in check for his outer appearance. It’s what made him so popular, after all.

When they arrive at the police station, he smiles at the woman at the reception pleasantly. He’s nice and polite and waits patiently until the police man that followed their call the other day comes to get him and leads him to a room. There’s another man sitting there in front of a laptop. Oikawa knows how this works, of course, he’s done it before, but the officer explains it to him anyways. Today he just has to give his statement, because even though his parents haven’t broken the law by seeing him, Iwaizumi still got hurt in the end so there is a case here. They won’t get in trouble for coming near him again though.

Oikawa never drops his guard; he answers all questions calmly and precisely. It’s tearing him apart on the inside, but he keeps it up until it gets too much and he asks for a break with a small smile. The officers excuse him and he leaves for the bathroom.

He makes sure that he’s alone before he shuts himself in in one of the cubicles and breaks down. The tears come way too easily, he just has to exhale and then they’re flowing already and sobs are wrecking his body as he’s gasping for breath. His chest is heaving and he feels his lungs tightening and pulls his knees towards his body, hugging them tightly and feels his whole body tensing until he can’t breathe anymore, then relaxing for a second, then tensing up again. He’s sobbing and fighting to get air into his lungs, and he just wants it to be over. Out of reflex he clutches his phone in his hand, but he won’t call Iwaizumi, he can’t, so he just sits there trapped in his panic until the worst symptoms subside and he can breathe again.

Standing on shaky legs, he puts his phone back in his pocket and blows his noise with toilet paper. He’ll have to wait a bit before he goes back out there, because it’s easy to see that he’s been crying. Iwaizumi always calls him an ugly crier.

After a few minutes he leaves the cubicle and heads over to the sink, splashing his face with some cold water before inspecting himself in the mirror. He looks terrible, to say the least. His eyes are all red and puffy, there are dark circles beneath them, and he also sees miniature blue dots around his eyes where small veins popped due to the pressure his body was under when tensing up during the panic attack. He can’t do anything against that now, but he waits until his eyes are less glassy and all the red color subsides, leaving his face as pale as ever. He still looks horrible, but this will have to do.

When he enters the room again, the two officers both throw him glances and the one without the laptop asks if he’s alright and if he needs some water, but Oikawa reclines with a smile on his lips.  He isn’t fine, in fact he’s at one of the lowest lows he’s ever been in, but he’ll manage. He always does.

He answers all remaining questions without another break. The officer goes to print the statement, and after that, Oikawa reads it again and signs it. He’s afraid to ask what will happen next, but there’s no way around it, so he does.

“If your friend decides to press charges for the shoulder injury, there will be a court hearing. Also, if you wish to do so, you could try to press charges for trespass, though I have to say I’m not sure how effective that will be, considering your statement and that you let them in.  As we already established, the restraining order expired two weeks ago, so there will be no repercussions in that regard. If you want to file for a new one, you’ll have to go to a court house.”

He wish the answer wasn’t as troubling as it was.

He says goodbye to the officers and heads back to the entrance room where Iwaizumi’s mom is waiting. She hugs him immediately when she sees him. “How did it go, dear? Are you alright?”

He nods and smiles. “Fine. I’ll have to go to court to reissue the restraining order.”

Her arm lingers around his shoulders as she leads him outside and back to the car. “We’ll go with you, of course. And don’t you worry, there’s nothing they can do. Even if they would win the hearing – which they won’t, I guarantee - there’s no way we would let them near you again. You’re of age by now, so they have nothing to hold over your head.”

“Thanks,” Oikawa says quietly, and just hopes that she’s right. She squeezes his shoulder reassuringly. “So, do you want to go to the hospital?”

The prospect of facing Iwaizumi like this hits him like a blow to the stomach. Iwaizumi will see right through him, and then he’ll have to deal with even more of Oikawa’s problems, and then he’ll probably get even more exasperated with him. Oikawa caused enough strain on their friendship already; he can’t take making it worse right now. It would break him.

“Actually, could you take me home? I really could use a nap.”

Iwaizumi’s mom musters him for a second and worry crosses her gaze. Of course she knows something is up if Oikawa would do rather do something else than see Iwaizumi, but she probably thinks he’s just exhausted from the procedure of giving the statement, so her gaze softens. “Of course, dear. Come on.”

She refuses to listen when he says he can go back to his own apartment and takes him straight back to her house, no discussion. Oikawa is kind of glad about it, even though he feels like he’s burdening everyone with his problems again.

She drops him off, tells him to eat something and threatens to force-feed him if she comes back and sees that he hasn’t listened, and then she presses a kiss to his forehead and leaves for the hospital.

The silence in the house is somewhat of a relief, but also unnerving in a way. Oikawa has never been good at being alone. His own mind just gets too loud when it’s quiet, and being alone with his thoughts has proven to be scary more than once. He decides to just take a nap, at least he can shut everything out for a while then. Nightmares aren’t pleasant, but sometimes they trump the thoughts buzzing in his head while he’s awake.

Before he can head to bed though, the doorbell rings and he freezes.

It’s not them, he tells himself. They’re in custody, they can’t be here, they can’t hurt him. But still his heart is beating way too fast in his chest as he heads for the door and peeks through the spyhole. The tension leaves his shoulders though as he sees who’s in front of the door. He unlocks it and swings it open.

“Good morning, sunshine,” Mattsun says and grins, and Makki does just the same. “Well, don’t you look peachy.”

“Ah, I thought you’ve gotten over being jealous of my looks after all these years,” Oikawa retorts and brings a smile to his lips. He still feels like shit, but seeing his friends is comforting in a way. As long as he keeps up his appearance, as long as he stays in the playful, careless zone; there’s no reason for Mattsun and Makki to get tired of him. They know him well, but not as well as Iwaizumi. There’s parts of him they’ll never see, and it’s better that way considering what it did to his friendship with Iwaizumi.

“Well, we’ve come to stay, so move over,” Makki says and hobbles past Oikawa on his crutches. “At least I’m not the only invalid here.”

Oikawa chuckles and clicks his own crutches against the floor. “Yeah, join the club.”

“Iwaizumi’s mom told us that you’re here since you wouldn’t answer the phone,” Mattsun says as he passes Oikawa.

“Oh. I think I left it on silent. We were at the police station earlier.”

“Yeah, she told us that too, so we thought it’d be a good idea to bring something to soothe the nerves.” He holds up two big bags of takeout, and Oikawa chuckles.

“Why is everyone so keen on force-feeding me these days?”

“Uh, I don’t know, maybe because you’re shit at taking care of yourself?” Makki replies and makes his way to the kitchen. “Don’t even pretend otherwise; we’ve seen you live on your own for years now and I’m pretty sure if it wasn’t for Iwaizumi, you would have starved by now.”

The mention of Iwaizumi’s name makes Oikawa’s smile falter a bit, but neither Makki and Mattsun seem to notice. It’s true though, Iwaizumi has always been the one to make sure Oikawa does his grocery shopping and eats decent meals, and whenever Oikawa failed to do so, Iwaizumi would drag him home and let him join family dinner. Iwaizumi’s parents never minded.

“So,” Makki says and drops down in one of the chairs. “How did it go at the police station?”

Makki and Mattsun both know about Oikawa’s family situation. He told them right after the court date where the first restraining order against his parents was issued, and they have been more than supportive (a little too supportive, maybe, since they made plans to go on a little vigilante justice trip to give Oikawa’s parents their own piece of mind).

“It went fine,” Oikawa lies and helps Mattsun to set the table. “I just had to give my statement again. And go to court to file for a restraining order again.”

“Wait, what?” Makki bursts out and pauses from ripping open the plastic bag.

“I told you about this,” Mattsun says while placing the plates down and swatting Makki’s hands away, using scissors instead to cut open the bag. “The last one expired, that’s why he can’t press charges.”

Oikawa nods and sits down, leaning his crutches against the table. “I could, technically, for trespassing, but the police said it probably won’t do much since I let them in myself.”

“You’re on crutches, and they tried attacking you!”

He shrugs. “They didn’t force their way in with actual violence, and we don’t have proof that they tried getting physical.”

Now it’s Mattsun’s turn to pause from distributing the food onto the plates. “Iwaizumi is literally in the hospital.”

“Yes, but there’s no way to prove that he didn’t charge first. Suga wasn’t in the room, so it’s Iwa-chan's and my word against that of my parents,” Oikawa says and begins eating slowly. He isn’t really hungry.

“Huh,” Mattsun says and goes back to piling food onto his plate. “So you’re not going to sue?”

“There’s not really a point. I’ll just reinstate the restraining order, they abided by it last time so hopefully they’ll leave me alone again. Let’s drop it, okay? I’ve talked enough about them today.”

Mattsun shrugs and sits down. “Alright, sure.” They begin to eat and it’s quiet for a few seconds. Then Mattsun continues, “We went to see Iwaizumi earlier.”

Oikawa nods, but keeps his eyes on his plate. “And?”

“Well, we asked him about the fight you had, but he told us about as much as you did. Seriously, Oikawa, what the hell happened between the two of you?”

“It’s nothing.”

“Nothing usually doesn’t leave you two not talking to each other.”

“He doesn’t want to see me, so what do you want me to do? The least I can do is respect what he wants.”

Mattsun raises an eyebrow so high that it almost disappears under his black curls on his forehead. “The least you can do?”

“Oh come on, I just want to eat in peace. Iwa-chan and I fight all the time, it’ll pass.”

It’s not true, of course, this time is different. But Oikawa is really not in the mood for this conversation, not after what happened at the police station and not with the court date looming over his head. But these two know him well enough to know something is off. 

“You bicker all the time,” Makki says. “You rarely fight. I think the last time I remember was years ago, when you lied to him about stealing his phone. And even then, he was barely mad at you.”

It’s true, they never fight. They’re too close for that, they know each other too well. There are small occasions, of course, but things usually are running pretty smoothly between them.

Oikawa sighs. “It happens, okay? For some reason he thinks I’m not taking this situation seriously, that’s why we fought.”

“Well, are you?”

“Seriously?” Oikawa snaps. “You think I’m all fine and happy with the fact that my abusive parents came back and my best friend got injured? Yeah, it’s all just peachy, I totally don’t know how serious this situation is.”

“That’s not what I meant,” Mattsun says. “We all know you, Oikawa, and you tend to get quite emotional when you’re upset, like right now for instance. But when you told me Iwaizumi is out for the rest of the season because of what happened, you sounded almost casual. So of course we worry.” 

Great. Everyone is so used to him being a mess that once he behaves like a reasonable person, it’s seen as strange. 

“What good would it do me to throw a fit?”

“None. It’s just not like you.”

“So I’m being unreasonable for not being unreasonable?”

“Oikawa, please just listen to what I’m saying. I’m sure whatever happened between Iwaizumi and you didn’t happen because he’s mad at you. You’re both just stubborn as shit. You can’t deny that you’re not acting like yourself, and that probably threw him off.”

“I’m not allowed to be mature?”

“Of course you are. But put yourself in his situation: You get injured badly, and then your best friend, who usually makes a big deal out of everything – no offense – just kind of shrugs it off. You’d be confused too.”

But that is not what happened. “I told him it’s a big deal to me.” Iwaizumi just got tired of him, once and for all. Like everyone does once they get to know his true self.

“But you didn’t act like it.”

Oikawa sighs. “Why does it always come down to me crying and throwing a fit?”

“Because that’s how we know you. Sorry.”

Yeah, because that’s just who he is. Complicated, energetic, overly emotional. Words his parents called him when he was younger enter his mind. Too much to handle. High-maintenance child. Immature. They weren’t so wrong after all.

“Well, I will not be throwing a fit. Period. Iwa-chan has enough on his plate, he doesn’t want to see me now anyways, and I am beyond done talking about this. Can we just eat now, please?”

Makki lifts his hand in surrender. “Okay, sure.” 

They return to eating and Oikawa is trying to keep a straight face. He doesn’t want to fight with them, too, that would just be too much too handle.

After a few minutes, Mattsun asks, “Just one more thing?”

“What is it?”

His dark eyes meet Oikawa’s and bore into them. “You know that he doesn’t want you to stay away, right?”

“He told me to leave.”

“But he asked about you today again. We’ll stop bringing it up now, promise, but just... maybe think about visiting. You two just aren’t meant to be on bad terms with each other.”

Oikawa nods, but his thoughts are spinning again. Why did Iwaizumi ask about him? Why would he wanna talk after what happened yesterday? Whatever it was, it made Oikawa uneasy, because it could be anything, and if Iwaizumi decided enough was enough and told Oikawa to get out of his life, Oikawa knows that he couldn’t handle that right now. He can’t avoid Iwaizumi forever, that’s for sure, but losing him now would break him. If he stays away, he can at least pretend they’re going to be okay.
It hurts so much that Oikawa loses all appetite. He forces a few mouthfuls down, but then even the thought of bringing down any more food makes him nauseous, so he stops.

When they’re done eating, Mattsun starts cleaning up first and raises an eyebrow again at Oikawa’s plate. “Not hungry?”

Oikawa shakes his head and smiles a little. “Not too much. I’ll eat it later though, so just put it in the fridge.” He probably won’t touch it again, because even the thought of food upsets his stomach right now, but Matsukawa seems satisfied with the answer.

They clean up together – Oikawa isn’t too big a help with his crutches and wrist cast – and after that, they settle down in the living room. Mattsun and Makki haven’t known Oikawa for as long as Iwaizumi has, but they all go back a long way.
When Oikawa and Iwaizumi were still attending Kitagawa Daiichi, Mattsun and Makki lived quite close and one day on their way home they met, or better said ran into each other, because Oikawa teased Iwaizumi for something which made the latter chase him down the road, which is where Oikawa ended up colliding with Makki. After Mattsun was sure it had been an accident and Iwaizumi was also positive these two strangers didn’t pose any threat, they became friends. A few years later they all joined Seijoh, and now here they were, in their third year.

Since they’ve been friends for a long time, they all feel comfortable around each other’s houses – Oikawa's old one excluded, of course, he rarely had them over at that time – and their parents know them well by now. At some point, they weren’t even surprised anymore if any of the boys showed up in their home, it became normal. Even now, it feels normal to sit in Iwaizumi’s sitting room together, even though he isn’t here.

They talk about everything and nothing like they always do. Makki and Mattsun crack their stupid jokes, and Oikawa laughs at them. They talk about school, volleyball, how the other members are faring at Karasuno practice, college plans, Makki’s broken leg and how the worst thing about it is how difficult it makes it to get up during a movie to get snacks.  They talk about everything but Iwaizumi, and Oikawa is glad about it in a way.

Thinking about the whole situation gives him a headache, and he just wants to be normal for now. He just wants a calm afternoon with his friends, laughing and chatting as if everything was alright. Of course it isn’t, but Oikawa is so exhausted from dealing with reality that this pause comes at the right moment. It just feels nice.

When they make to leave, Mattsun walks up to Oikawa and hugs him really tight. It takes Oikawa all he has not to burst out in tears right there and then.

They stand like this for a few seconds, and then Mattsun steps back. “You can always call, okay? I know I’m not your Iwa-chan, but if you need anything, I’m there.”

“Same for me,” says Makki. “Even though I won’t hug you right now, that’d be too messy with all the crutches in the way.”

Oikawa chuckles. “I didn’t know you guys were such saps.” But despite joking around, he’s more than grateful. Knowing that these two have his back makes the whole situation a whole lot easier – even though he’s still lost like never before. 

“Oh stuff it,” Mattsun says and punches Oikawa’s shoulder lightly (he isn’t as brutish as Iwaizumi after all). They make their way to the door, and they’re already outside when Mattsun turns back.

“Oikawa? I don’t wanna overstep, really, just... maybe call Iwaizumi or something. You two don’t do well without each other.” Before Oikawa can answer, he waves goodbye and leaves.

The implications of Mattsun’s word hang in the air, and of course Oikawa gets what it means. Despite his short-tempered nature, Iwaizumi really doesn’t like to fight and being in a hospital with nothing to do probably doesn’t make it easier for him. Oikawa remembers that one time when Iwaizumi had a fight with Mattsun and didn’t even want leave his room until they reconciled. No matter what Oikawa tried, Iwaizumi didn’t want to be distracted, he just kept sulking.

But Oikawa doesn’t know how to solve this. Simply talking to Iwaizumi won’t do any good – nothing changed from yesterday, after all. Maybe he doesn’t want to fight, but he also doesn’t want to see Oikawa, so there’s nothing he can do about it. Mattsun probably read it wrong. He thinks Iwaizumi wants to make up with Oikawa when really, he just wants Oikawa’s bullshit to be over and done with. And Oikawa can’t give him that by talking to him, it’s rather the opposite, he needs to stay away.

That doesn’t mean he doesn’t miss his best friend though.

He struggles his way up the stairs and when arrives at the top he’s out of breath; the exhaustion is dragging him down. He barely makes it to Iwaizumi’s room, and when he does he just drops his crutches and collapses on the bed.
It doesn’t even take five minutes for him to fall asleep.

“So where the hell do I go from here?
Who do I believe, who do I believe when everyone
Feels so insincere?
(Like everyone's out to get me)
Who will save my life?
How do I believe, how do I believe in anyone?”

(Losing My Life - Falling In Reverse)

Chapter Text

“So good luck on fixing me 
and what we could've been
But you'll always fail to see 
I'm forever broken”

(I Hate Everyone - Falling In Reverse)

When Oikawa jerks awake, there are three things he notices.

One, he is drenched in sweat from the nightmare he just had. Two, it’s dark outside, so he must have slept for quite some time. And three, Iwaizumi is sitting at his desk and turns around when he hears Oikawa moving. They stare at each other, and Oikawa is still too out of it too fully grasp the situation. He kind of wonders if he’s still dreaming.

“Hey,” Iwaizumi says quietly. “Are you okay?”

“You’re home,” Oikawa stays, still trying to sort through his mess of thoughts.

“Yeah, I was released earlier. There’s no reason for me to be stationary anymore.”

“Oh.” They fall back into silence, and Oikawa’s eyes burn as he realizes this is the first time in his life that he doesn’t know what to say to Iwaizumi.

It’s been three days since they last saw each other, two days since he went down to the police station, one day since Iwaizumi’s mother drove him to the court house where he filed for a new restraining order and got a court appointment. He doesn’t remember the last time when Iwaizumi and he went without talking for this long, and it makes the air around them even heavier.

“Oikawa...” Iwaizumi finally starts, but Oikawa himself is faster. He doesn’t want to talk about it.

“Sorry for hogging your bed. Why didn’t you wake me?”

Iwaizumi shrugs with his uninjured shoulder. “You looked like you can use the sleep, and I needed to catch up on some schoolwork before tomorrow.” Leave it to him to be discharged from the hospital and the first thing he does is study. This is so much like him, it kind of makes Oikawa want to cry.

“You’re going back to school?”

“Aren’t you?”

Oikawa hasn’t really thought about it. School really is the last thing on his mind right now, and facing so many people at once feels overwhelming. “Not before the court hearing on Tuesday, probably.” It’s only two more days until then.

“Ah, yeah. Mom told me.” He’s probably trying to cover it up, but Iwaizumi is such an honest person that lying doesn’t come easily to him, and therefore Oikawa hears the hurt in his voice. Any other situation, he would be the first person Oikawa would talk to about the court hearing, but it’s difficult now. He doesn’t even know where they stand with each other. “How do you feel about it?”

Oikawa shrugs. “It’s fine. It’s not much different from last time.”

“Oikawa...” Iwaizumi sighs, but doesn’t comment on the fact that he is obviously lying. “Look, about what we said...”

“I’d rather not talk about it,” Oikawa interrupts quietly. He can’t take Iwaizumi cutting ties with him, not now. It’s inevitable, it always has been, but if it happens now there’s no way Oikawa will get through that court hearing. At least right now he has the illusion to hold onto that maybe everything will be okay. He knows it won’t, but he’s a master at pretending, even towards himself.

“You’d rather just ignore me the whole time?”

“I’m not ignoring you now, am I?”

Iwaizumi huffs. “You could just as well be. It’s like talking to a brick, and don’t lie to me again, of course I notice. This is not how it’s supposed to be. We’re supposed to be able to talk freely to each other, so why the walls all of a sudden?”

Because showing my true self only leads to losing you, Oikawa thinks bitterly, because that’s what it always does. Everyone that truly knew him left, and it was foolish to think Iwaizumi could be the exception to that.

“I don’t know what to say.”

“Well, that’s a first,” Iwaizumi mumbles and drops his gaze to the floor. “Just tell me what to do, Oikawa. I hate how it is between us right now. Tell me how to fix this.”

But there’s just some things that Iwaizumi can’t fix, and Oikawa Tooru is one of them.

“I don’t know,” Oikawa replies truthfully. “Maybe I should go home.”

Iwaizumi looks up again and Oikawa feels like someone punched him and forced all the air out of his lungs when he sees the look in his best friend’s eyes. “Why?”

It hurts his soul to see him like this, but it’s for the best. “Because I can’t be fixed, Iwa-chan. You figured that out by yourself already, so maybe you should stop trying.”

“How can you even say that?” Iwaizumi’s voice is angry now, but Oikawa is used to that. It’s Iwaizumi’s natural reaction to any kind of emotion. He headbutts Oikawa when he’s annoyed, he snaps at him when he’s sad and he punches him on the arm when he’s happy. It’s just his short-tempered personality, though he is still the most level-headed person Oikawa knows. It’s quite a weird combination.

“You know it’s true. Anyways, I’m just gonna go now.”

“No!” Iwaizumi shoots up from his side just as Oikawa reaches for his crutches. “We don’t have to talk if you don’t want to, but don’t go.”

Oikawa smiles sadly. “Why? Because I can’t take care of myself? I’m an adult, Iwa-chan, and maybe you should let me feel the consequences of my actions for once.”

“No, it’s not- I need you here.”

That takes Oikawa aback. “What?”

“You heard me. I’m not in the best state either, okay, and I need you here, even if you won’t talk to me. I’ll take the guest room if you want me to.”

“D-don’t be ridiculous, it’s your room.”

They meet each other’s eyes. “Does that mean you’ll stay?”

Oikawa loses a breath. He’s fully aware that he is getting played by Iwaizumi, but he can’t say no to him when he’s asking for something, especially not when he looks so desperate. So he nods.

“Okay.” Oikawa gets up on his crutches. “I’ll take the guest room, though. It’s your bed.” 

A bed they used to share. A bed that makes him feel safe after nightmares. A bed that won’t be his home anymore, because he is losing his best friend and gods, it hurts so much. He leaves Iwaizumi’s room before the tears begin to fall.
###
Monday rolls around, and Oikawa stays home while Iwaizumi leaves for school. They haven’t spoken a word since yesterday. Even Iwaizumi’s parents seem to have caught on now, but they don’t ask any questions and Oikawa is thankful for it. He spends most of his time sleeping, and the rest of it he’s just pondering, and like always, being alone with his own thoughts is excruciating.

He hears Iwaizumi come home – he's lived here long enough to recognize his best friend’s footsteps on the wooden stairs – but he stays in his room and Iwaizumi goes to his. Being here is painful, and Oikawa wonders why Iwaizumi really wanted him to stay. The “I need you” thing was obviously bullshit. There’s no reason for Iwaizumi to need him here, and they don’t even talk. All Iwaizumi does nowadays is hide in his room and bury himself in schoolwork - seriously, he’s always been a hard worker, but Oikawa has never seen him study this much, sometimes he even forgets to eat and his mother has to basically drag him out of his room to feed him.

Afternoon rolls around, and Oikawa calls Mattsun. He isn’t really up for talking about the situation, but he’s bored out of his mind and needs someone to talk to.

“Yo.” Mattsun picks up on third ring. “What’s up?”

“I’m bored,” Oikawa replies with a soft whine to his voice.

“Oh no,” Mattsun replies dryly. “If only there was someone in the house you could talk to.”

“Hey! You said I could call any time.”

“And you can,” Mattsun says. “I’m here if you need me, but being a good friend also means being honest. We talked to Iwaizumi at school, and I am like ninety-six percent sure now that whatever’s going on between you two is absolute bullshit.”

Oikawa sighs. “I didn’t call to talk about that, Mattsun.”

“Well tough luck, because I wanna talk about that. It took me some time, but I think I figured you guys out now, and I can’t stand watching any longer. You want to know what your problem is?”

“Enlighten me.” Oikawa flops down on his bed and stares at the ceiling. It’s not a view he’s used to, he usually always sleeps in Iwaizumi’s room whenever he’s here.

“You both care about each other so aggressively,” Mattsun says. “Iwaizumi always has to knock sense into you in quite the literal way, and whenever you think he’s not doing well, you fight claws and teeth to make him better. And I think this time, your aggressive affection clashed.”

Oikawa’s brows furrow. “What?”

“You heard me. I think you’re trying to protect him by acting mature about the situation, and he’s going crazy because, well he’s Iwaizumi so of course he knows it’s all just bullshit.”

Oikawa huffs. “Did he tell you that?”

“No,” Mattsun replied. “He told me he’s upset that you won’t drop your act around him anymore. That was all I needed to figure out the rest.”

It’s kind of true what Mattsun says, but not the whole story. Because Iwaizumi isn’t only upset with Oikawa’s act, he’s also done with it. They passed a point of no return, a point where Iwaizumi finally realizes that Oikawa Tooru is too much to deal with. And Oikawa doesn’t blame him.

“I don’t know what to say, Mattsun.”

“Then just shut up and listen. You’re both hurting each other over nothing, and I know you’re a prideful guy, but maybe it’s time to get your shit together and get over it.”

“He doesn’t want to see me.”

“What part of him not wanting you to leave yesterday made you think that? Have you seen the guy lately, Oikawa? He looks almost as miserable as you.”

“But...”

“I’m just telling you how it is; you can do whatever you want with this information then. I’m here for you regardless, but Iwaizumi is my friend too and I’m just trying to act in both your interests. Which are the same, frankly. So just talk to him.”

“Okay,” Oikawa says, but he isn’t sure if he means it. The talk yesterday wasn’t very successful after all, and he doesn’t know if he can stomach another fight only one day before the court date.

Mattsun doesn’t seem to notice the hesitation in his voice though. “Alright, great. Now we can talk about other things. Makki choked on his food today during break and I have a beautiful lengthy video of it.”

Oikawa chuckles. “Of course you’d rather film then help.”

They talk about nonsense for quite some time. Talking to Mattsun is really easy, because he’s chatty by nature and his love for gossip and storytelling is exactly what Oikawa needs sometimes. (The uneasy feeling in his gut never goes away though)

After about an hour, Mattsun says goodbye and then Oikawa is by himself again. He struggles to get up from the bed, gripping his crutches tightly with his uninjured hand and pulls himself up. Once he’s standing, he puts some weight on his injured wrist too. It’s healed well enough to withstand the strain, and he hopes the doctors will take the cast off soon.
Even if his legs and torso aren’t working quite right yet, at least with both his arms back he’ll be able to toss some volleyballs again.

He hobbles into the hallway and makes his way to the bathroom. When he looks into the mirror, he’s almost startled at what he sees: His eyes are still red-rimmed and the miniature blue dots around them seem to multiply with every panic attack he suffers through at night. His hair is a mess, and the circles under his eyes are so dark it almost looks like he got into a fight and took a fist to both eyes.
He splashes some water to his face, and keeps his head down for a second, because the coldness feels good against his skin. He didn’t even realize he has spiraled down this far.  He hasn’t changed out of the soft grey sweatpants all day and other than that he’s only wearing a blue shirt – it probably belonged to Iwaizumi at some point, judging how it is too wide on his shoulders but a bit too short, riding up his torso whenever he lifts his arms. Since he has stolen so many shirts from Iwaizumi over time, he barely keeps track of them.

In order to look a bit less like a mess, he puts some concealer on the dark circles under his eyes and also covers up the blue dots. At least now he doesn’t look like a dead man walking anymore. He brushes his hair out, carefully trying to get it back into shape. It only half-works, but it’s better than nothing.

Relatively satisfied with the result, Oikawa limps back into the hallway. He’s almost at his door, when another one opens and Iwaizumi comes out. They both tense up a bit, but Iwaizumi quickly recovers and nods. 

“Hey.”

“Hey,” Oikawa replies and leans on his crutches a bit more, taking weight off the bad leg. “How was school?”

Iwaizumi shrugs. “Okay, I guess. I brought your homework, but I figured you probably don’t want to do it before tomorrow.”

Of course he guessed that right, he always does. “Yeah, thank you.”

Iwaizumi clears his throat. “I’ll go take a shower.”

Oikawa nods, stepping back. “Alright.” He turns and opens the door to his room. Behind him he can hear Iwaizumi walking down the hallway, and the tension is so much that he can barely stand it. It never was awkward between them before. It never was supposed to be.

He spends the rest of the day watching old volleyball matches, but he can’t bring himself to watch their own. Seeing himself play, seeing himself cheer alongside Iwaizumi and making reckless tosses to him, trusting in him to be there and spike them, he knows he can’t take that right now. So instead he watches other teams, carefully analyzing their strategies and he tries to come up with a counter plan for each and every one of them. It keeps him distracted, but his mind keeps wandering back to tomorrow. He told everyone the court day isn’t a big deal, but of course it is. Even though he doesn’t want to admit it, he is scared out of his mind.

When it’s time for dinner, Oikawa is already dreading every minute that passes. Tomorrow is drawing closer inevitably, and he can’t even keep his hands from shaking anymore.

Dinner is quiet again. Iwaizumi’s parents make light conversation, and both Iwaizumi and Oikawa give polite answers, but they don’t talk to each other. 

Oikawa excuses himself early, and limps his way up the stairs. A look to his phone shows him he has a missed call and a new message, so he unlocks it and smiles a little when he sees it’s from Kuroo. Kuroo and he have become good friends over time. Ever since their first captain retreat, they have gotten along well and it was soon obvious that they were basically sharing one braincell (much to the exasperation of their vices). They live too far apart to see each other regularly, but they visit whenever they can and see each other during the quarterly captain’s meetings.
After the accident, Kuroo traveled up to Miyagi for one day just to check on them. He knows about Oikawa’s past, not all the details, but enough, so Oikawa told him roughly about what happened. They haven’t talked much the last days though, Oikawa was too preoccupied for that.

He opens the text, and his eyes widen as he reads. Quickly, he selects Kuroo’s number and calls, tapping his healthy foot impatiently as the line rings.

Then Kuroo picks up. “Hey.”

Oikawa doesn’t even bother with a greeting. “What do you mean, you’re in front of my door?”

“Quite literally that,” Kuroo chuckles. “You didn’t seem to be doing so well when we last talked, and I know the court hearing is tomorrow, so I figured I’d drop by.”

“Drop by? You live four hundred kilometers away!"

“So? That’s only like five hours with the car.”

“What about school?”

“Will still be there when I get back, I think. Unless there’s a fire.”

“You’re crazy!”

“So I’ve been told. Now, will you let me in or do I have to sleep on the streets?”

“Oh.” Oikawa looks at the clock. “I’m not home, actually. I’m at Iwa-chan's place.”

“Ah, I should have figured,” Kuroo sighs, but he sounds unbothered. “No worries, I’ll camp out in a hotel tonight.”

“No, wait,” Oikawa says and starts throwing clothes into his back. “I’m coming over. Wait for me.”

“You don’t have to-”

“Shut up, I’ll be there in ten.”

He hangs up and zips his bag shut, throwing it over his shoulder. He limps his way downstairs again, where Iwaizumi is still sitting with his parents, the book they’ve been assigned for English class open next to him. When Oikawa enters, he furrows his brow at the bag.

“Kuroo just called,” Oikawa explains. “The idiot drove all the way up here and is now standing in front of my apartment.”

Iwaizumi’s mother laughs. She has met Kuroo several times and is very fond of him. “That sounds like him. Do you want me to drive you over?”

But Oikawa shakes his head. “Thanks, but I’m good. My leg is working much better again, anyways.” It’s not, but he doesn’t want to bother Iwaizumi’s mother.

“Alright dear. We’ll pick you up tomorrow for the court meeting, then. How does eleven sound?”

“Okay, thank you so much.”

His eyes wander to Iwaizumi, but the other keeps his gaze fixed on the book, not even glancing over. His words ring through Oikawa’s mind. Stay. I need you. But he reminds himself that that’s not true. He still feels a little guilty when he says good-bye, and Iwaizumi doesn’t look up once.

Oikawa walks over to his place, the crutches clicking against the concrete with each step. His apartment isn’t far from Iwaizumi’s house – it was one of the main requirements back then when they had looked for a place for him, and they were lucky enough to find the perfect apartment about ten minutes away. It’s not huge, but it has a nice balcony, big windows, and it’s affordable.

When he turns into the street, he can already see Kuroo leaning against the entrance door. His jet-black hair is as messy as ever, and his shit-eating grin hasn’t changed either.

“Oi.” He waves and jogs over when he sees Oikawa approaching, and the latter barely has time to steady himself before the other pulls him into a tight hug. Kuroo stands slightly taller than Oikawa by a few centimeters, but they’re evenly matched when it comes to muscle mass.

Now Kuroo takes a step back and musters Oikawa. “Jeez, you look like shit.”

Oikawa rolls his eyes. “People really need to quit saying that. Try getting hit by a truck, then we’ll see how good you look after that.”

“At least you haven’t lost your sharp tongue,” Kuroo replies with a grin and just grabs Oikawa’s bag without a comment. “Come on, I’ve been standing here way too long. The neighbors are probably thinking I’m a prostitute.”

“Then maybe I shouldn’t take you inside with me,” Oikawa replies, but gets his keys and limps the last steps to the door, opening up. They get inside, Kuroo carrying his own bag as well as Oikawa’s, and the trip up the stairs takes longer than Oikawa would like. When he arrives at the top, he’s a bit out of breath again.

“Gee, old man,” Kuroo comments and takes the keys from Oikawa to open the apartment door. Inside, Oikawa flops down on the couch, carelessly throwing his crutches to the side. 

“Gods, that’s too many stairs.”

“You’re just out of form,” Kuroo replies, dropping down next to him, and Oikawa punches him in the arm. 

“Ouch.” Kuroo pouts and rubs the spot. “Iwaizumi is really rubbing off on you. Speaking of, where did you leave him? Didn’t he want to see this beautiful face?”

Oikawa ignores the sting in his chest. “Can’t blame him for avoiding this ugly mug.”

“Jealous much?”

“Not in a thousand years.”

“Ah, can’t blame you for resenting me for my divine beauty.”

“Your divinely big mouth, more like.”

Kuroo chuckles. “Now that one I’ve heard before.”

“Ew!” Oikawa throws a punch again, but this time Kuroo dodges. “I did not need to know that!”

“Again, jealous much?”

Oikawa snorts. “Yeah, because I am definitely incapable of getting some. Sure.”

Kuroo’s response is a gasp. “Oikawa Tooru! Did you lose your virginity without telling me about it?”

“Shut up!” Oikawa groans. “As if I could keep something like that from you.”

“Good. So how’s it going with Iwaizumi?”

“What?”

“Oh, so you’re still not together?”

“No! I never even said I was gay, Kuroo!”

“Please, you’re the poster bisexual if I ever saw one.”

That makes Oikawa pause for a few seconds. “I’m not really that obvious, am I?”

Kuroo starts laughing. “No, you told me once when you were drunk.”

Oikawa groans. “Of course I did.”

“Don’t worry, I didn’t tell anyone. Even though maybe I should tell Iwaizumi, so you two get a move-on already.”

“He already knows. And I don’t think that’d work, anyways.”

“Why?”

Oikawa resists the burning feeling behind his eyes. “Because right now we’re not even on speaking terms.”

“What?!” Kuroo sits up straight immediately. “How the fuck? What happened?”

And so Oikawa tells him everything. How Iwaizumi tackled his father and shattered his shoulder in the process, the fight they had after the surgery, and how things are so awkward between them now that they can barely look each other in the eye.

When Oikawa stops talking, Kuroo sighs and pulls him into his arms. “I’m sorry. That’s probably not easy on the both of you.”

Oikawa shrugs, but he leans into the embrace. “It happens.”

“Doesn’t make it better. But you’ll sort it out, you always do.”

But Oikawa isn’t so sure about this time. Sure, they fought before, but never like this, and he was never so sure he’d lose Iwaizumi. He forgot the doubts over the years, because Iwaizumi was always there, no matter how shitty Oikawa acted, but of course the day would come that even he grew fed up with it.

“Ah, we’ll get you through this,” Kuroo says. “One thing at a time. First the court hearing tomorrow, and then we’ll sort things out with Iwaizumi.”

“Thanks,” Oikawa murmurs, but he doesn’t allow himself to hope. His longest and closest friendship is on the prospect of breaking, and getting his hopes up now will only hurt more in the end. He never doubted Iwaizumi, but he is well-aware of the fact that nobody will stay forever. Everyone leaves at some point, and it would be unfair to Iwaizumi to expect him to be the exception.
Oikawa Tooru will always be alone.

Iwaizumi is awfully tired. He barely slept last night, not only because of his hurting shoulder. He still can’t get over the fact that Oikawa just left, even after he asked him to stay. He knows it’s not Kuroo’s fault, but he still kind of resents him for it.
At some point the thoughts racing in his head started driving him insane, so he just got up in the middle of the night and tried to distract himself with schoolwork, and though it didn’t work as much as he would have liked it to, at least he felt a bit better about himself afterward. In the morning, though, he started regretting it slightly since running on two hours of sleep really isn’t ideal for this kind of day.

The chances of reconciling with Oikawa are sinking, and it feels like they’re slipping away from each other further and further, but Iwaizumi doesn’t know how to make it stop. Oikawa won’t talk to him. Iwaizumi tried figuring out what exactly the problem is, he went through all the conversations they had in his mind over and over again, but he can’t find what exactly pissed Oikawa off so much. Yes, they fought, but Iwaizumi just called Oikawa out like he always does when he’s not dropping his act, and usually it isn’t that big of a deal. This time though, Oikawa went through the roof, and Iwaizumi doesn’t know why.
He would apologize in a heartbeat if only he knew what for.

Fighting with Oikawa is the worst, and getting the silent treatment is even more painful. He wants to be there for him, he wants to stay by his side during the court meeting and have his back, exactly like last time.
But Oikawa won’t let him, and it hurts like hell.

There’s some things he hasn’t figured out yet, especially that one thing Oikawa said.

I can’t be fixed, Iwa-chan. You figured that out by yourself already, so maybe you should stop trying.

Iwaizumi still doesn’t know where that came from. He knows Oikawa holds a lot of self-doubt under that pompous attitude, and he knows nobody is harder on Oikawa than Oikawa himself. But why did he say that in that situation? Iwaizumi can’t make sense of it, no matter how much he thinks about it. The fight has been over something entirely different after all.

Now he’s sitting in the car with his parents, and his mood is at its lowest. Especially when both Kuroo and Oikawa are waiting in front of Oikawa’s apartment to be picked up.

“Hello,” Kuroo greets when he enters the car, sitting in the middle of the back next to Iwaizumi. “Oikawa asked me to tag along, I hope that’s okay.”

No it’s not, Iwaizumi thinks, even though he feels a bit guilty. Kuroo is a good guy, it’s not his fault Iwaizumi is feeling like this.

Iwaizumi’s mom, on the other hand, smiles brightly. “It’s good to see you, Kuroo-kun. And good morning, dear.” That is directed at Oikawa who is now entering the car as well sitting at Kuroo’s left. “How are you feeling?”

Oikawa, frankly, looks like shit. He is ghostly pale, and even his concealer can’t cover up the dark circles beneath his eyes. He manages a smile though, ever the pleasant poster child. 

“I’m fine, thanks.” He sounds exhausted, Iwaizumi thinks. He wonders if Oikawa is having nightmares again. When he slept in his room yesterday, he was constantly moving around and throwing his head restlessly in his sleep.

But Iwaizumi’s mom nods. “Very good. Let’s get this done, then.” Iwaizumi’s dad starts the car, and then they’re off. 

It takes about half an hour to arrive at the courthouse, and Suga is already waiting in front of it. When Oikawa greets him, he looks around a bit perplexed. “Are you here alone?”

Suga nods. “Of course. I didn’t tell anyone, remember? Well, I did say where I went of course, but I didn’t give details.”

Oikawa stares at him for a second before he pulls him in for a hug. Iwaizumi has to look away as he feels the sting in his chest. When he turns back again, he can see that Kuroo is watching him with an unreadable expression.

They enter the building, and Iwaizumi feels all wrong. Oikawa and he haven’t spoken one word to each other, and Oikawa is walking ahead with Kuroo while Iwaizumi is tagging along with his parents.
He should be by Oikawa’s side, not Kuroo.
He should be the one to comfort him.
He should be there to protect him.

He still remembers the last times they’ve been here, and how terrified Oikawa was.  The judge eventually allowed Iwaizumi to stand next to him because Oikawa was shaking so bad and was hardly able to speak anymore while his parents just stood there and denied everything they had ever done to him. The judge didn’t believe them back then, if Oikawa’s panic wasn’t evidence enough then all the medical records spoke for themselves, and after about two hours of Oikawa shaking and crying and almost collapsing, the judge issued the restraining order.
A year later they were back in the courthouse to extend it, which was granted since Oikawa’s parents had violated the first restraining order when they tried contacting him a few weeks after it was issued. After the extension was official, Oikawa never heard of them again.
Until now.

Of course this is just the first hearing, meaning Oikawa’s parents won’t be here for it, but he still knows he’s terrified. Nothing is certain today, and if there’s one thing Oikawa doesn’t cope well with, then it’s uncertainty. It’s evident by the way he can’t even keep up his smile, something that rarely ever falters, and it breaks Iwaizumi’s heart to see it.
They meet Oikawa’s lawyer in front of the court room, and at this point Oikawa is so pale that he looks sick, and it doesn’t even take two minutes until he excuses himself to the bathroom, Suga tagging along immediately. 

They still have twenty minutes before the hearing is supposed to take place, and Iwaizumi honestly doesn’t know if he can take it. He wants to stay strong, and he wants to respect the distance that Oikawa obviously wants from him, but it’s tearing him apart from the inside out and though he doesn’t want to admit it, it hurts like hell. 
Of course he won’t confront Oikawa about it, not in a situation like this when he has enough problems already, but the air hurts in his lungs and his fingernails dig into his palms in a painful way and he wonders if he can make it all the way through the hearing without losing it. It’s true that he has always been Oikawa’s pillar, but what’s a pillar if it has nothing to support? All that’s left is ruins.

“Hey.”

Iwaizumi looks up. He’s been so lost in thought that he hasn’t even noticed Kuroo walking up to him. His parents are talking to Oikawa’s lawyer, looking calm but serious, and Iwaizumi wonders if they are as on edge as the rest of them. If he has to guess, he’d say yes, since they love Oikawa like a second son, but they are really good at not letting their nervousness show. It comes with the job description as a parent, probably, but he doesn’t know how they do it. He’s never been good at hiding what he feels.

Kuroo halts next to him; he has one hand on his hip and his head is slightly cocked like he is trying to figure something out. 

“Oikawa told me you guys are in some kind of lover’s quarrel right now.”  Iwaizumi only scowls as a response. If any time is least appropriate for Kuroo’s horrible sense of humor, this is definitely it, but the other just keeps talking. “Listen, this might not be my place to say, but I think maybe you should put all that aside for now. You’re both stubborn as shit, but he needs you.”

“You’re right,” Iwaizumi says with more force than he intended, but he can’t really bring himself to care. “It’s not your place to say. This is between me and him, so stay out of it.”

Kuroo raises an eyebrow, obviously surprised by the outburst and Iwaizumi can’t really blame him. He isn’t usually this harsh, but this situation is tugging on all his nerves and just the fact alone that Kuroo is there with Oikawa, that he’s doing what Iwaizumi himself should be doing, that Oikawa is turning to someone else for comfort… maybe it’s irrational, but it makes Iwaizumi’s blood boil.

“I can’t really stay out of it when it’s my shoulder he’s crying on about how his best friend won’t talk to him.”

The image of Oikawa crying in Kuroo’s arms is what send Iwaizumi over the edge. “You don’t know anything,” he growls and his voice is so loud that he almost surprises himself with it. “Nobody asked you to come here, or to interfere with this, so leave me alone and don’t pretend you know shit about Oikawa and me!”

Kuroo opens his mouth to retort something, but it’s another voice that cuts through the air. 

“Hajime!”

Iwaizumi turns to see his mother glaring at him, hands on her hips and eyes so blazing they could probably incinerate him on the spot. “Stop this at once! We’re going in soon, so either pull yourself together or go wait in the car, you hear me?”

He swallows down his retort and lowers his gaze, and the anger leaves him as quickly as it flared up. Just what in the hell is he doing? None of this is Kuroo’s fault, he knows that, of course he does, and yet he can barely stand looking at the other boy. Kuroo decides to drop it as well though, and when Iwaizumi looks up again Oikawa and Suga are back. Oikawa looks as pale as before, if not even worse, and the way his gaze flickers back and forth between Kuroo and Iwaizumi makes him wonder if he heard any of this.

There’s no time to dwell on it though since they are called into the court room just a few moments later.

Iwaizumi takes a deep breath. They’ve been here before, it’s not really different from the last time at all, and yet everything has changed. This isn’t about him, he reminds himself, it isn’t about him and his feelings, this is about Oikawa and even if he can’t be there for him like he wants to, he’ll always be behind him to have his back.

And so he follows when everyone else enters the room, all nervous and uncertain of what’s to come.

“I've been searching through the wreckage
But it's like standing in the eye of a storm
When will I finally get the message?
Some things are broken beyond repair
This is my cross to bear
My own meaningless catastrophe
I never had the time to prepare
Because I never knew that all my nightmares could come true”

(Hereafter - Architects)

Chapter Text

“Life is a song with no one to dance to
Same old shit happening and nobody knows
My heart is a dead horse, there's no point in beating
Just let me sink, let me sink into the fucking ground”

(Join The Club - Bring Me The Horizon)

The walk back to the car is silent. 

Iwaizumi keeps his expression neutral, but there’s anger roaring beneath his skin and he feels tempted to search out Oikawa’s parents and make sure they’ll never, ever touch him again. He’s still too stunned to fully realize this truly happened. That they actually managed to pull this.

He wants to punch something, but instead he focuses on Oikawa, who has been dangerously silent for the whole time. He doesn’t let anything on either, of course, and he’s even smiling when Iwaizumi’s parents ask him if he wants to stay with them and he reclines. But Iwaizumi sees the pain in his eyes, the fear. He’s seen it before and he will always recognize it, the expression of a burned child who is faced with fire again.

Because the judge denied him a new restraining order.

It feels surreal, and he can’t fully grasp it, but yet the words keep echoing in his head. How the judge explained that Oikawa’s parents have been behaving like exemplary citizens the past few years, that they only came to visit when there was no official restraining order and how they claim their only intention was to check on their injured son after hearing about the accident, and how they both have stable jobs and live far away from this town so the chances of them seeing Oikawa regularly are very slim anyways.
The only critical point is Iwaizumi’s own shoulder injury, and as much as he wants to press charges against those bastards to at least give Oikawa the tiniest bit of justice, the lawyers already told him there’s no sense in it. No matter how one looks at it, Iwaizumi tackled Oikawa’s father first. They can’t prove he was intending to hurt Oikawa, can’t prove they were doing anything but check up on him, and that’s why they lost and it’s over and done and Oikawa has to go back to being afraid and Iwaizumi wants to scream until there’s no air left in his lungs.

They drive to Oikawa’s apartment, and when Oikawa exits the car, their eyes meet for a fraction of a second. Iwaizumi’s heart breaks; he’s convinced he can see Oikawa tearing up, but they don’t say anything, and just like that he’s gone, Kuroo trailing after him.

That should be himself, Iwaizumi thinks. He should just follow. Should just grab Oikawa and hold him in his arms and never let go. But Oikawa made it clear that he doesn’t want that, and Iwaizumi will be damned if he acts against his will. No matter how much it hurts.

“Those people are monsters,” Iwaizumi’s mom says as they drive back. Iwaizumi can tell she’s furious by the way she’s gritting her teeth. “As if it wasn’t enough what they did to him back then. Now they have to put him through this, too, coming back like this instead of just staying away.”

“It’s just chicanery,” Iwaizumi’s dad agrees. “It’s not like it changes anything except making him feel more unsafe. They still can’t hurt him, of course.”

Iwaizumi stays quiet. Nothing he can say will change anything about his anger, or the pain he feels as he’s driving further and further away from his best friend. He does notice that his parents exchange worried glances though. 

And sure enough, his mother asks, “Honey, what happened between the two of you?”

“We fought,” Iwaizumi says quietly.

“I figured that much. But what fight could be so bad that you won’t even talk in a time like this?”

It doesn’t make sense, he knows that. It’s what makes the whole situation even worse.

“I can’t really say, sorry mom. He doesn’t want to see me, so I’ll respect that.”

She can’t argue with that since she’s the one who taught him that if people want to be left alone, he should leave them alone. At that time, she probably was thinking about him asking someone out, not fighting with his best friend.

They arrive at home, and Iwaizumi immediately goes up to his room and changes into his gym clothes. He can’t do much, not with his shoulder and all, he knows that. But he needs to get some of that anger out, or else he’s going to explode.

He calls out to his parents as he's leaving the house, and then he's on his way. It's only halfway to the bus station that he remembers that he's about to take the bus. The bus.
He stops, pondering. Suga left with them from court, and his mood didn't seem too great either. Maybe he shouldn't bother him, but on the other hand, maybe Suga could use some distraction too. So Iwaizumi calls him.

“Did something happen?“ is the first thing Suga asks.

“No. Not more, at least. I was wondering if you'd go to the gym with me.”

“Um… sure. Aren't you with Oikawa?“

“No.” Maybe he'll explain it later, but not now.

“Alright. I'll pick you up.”

Not much later, Iwaizumi is sitting on the passenger side of Suga’s car and they’re driving towards the gym in silence since neither of them feel like talking. When Suga pulls into the parking lot though and stops the car, he turns to face Iwaizumi. 

“So, Oikawa and you still haven’t made up? You didn’t even talk to each other today.”

Iwaizumi shakes his head. “Nope. Kuroo’s with him, though, so he should be fine.”

“I wasn’t doubting that.”

Iwaizumi nods. “He doesn’t want to talk to me. Enough things that he didn’t want happened today, so I don’t need to add to that.”

“I get that. I just don’t think he really doesn’t want it.”

“He said so, and I’m going to respect that.” Iwaizumi grabs the door handle and exits the car, Suga mirroring him. “I can’t do much with my arms, but my legs work perfectly fine so I guess I’ll have to focus on that.”

Suga nods, thankfully dropping the topic. “Leg day it is.”

They enter the gym, and that is where they stay for the next few hours. Iwaizumi is just so angry, at himself, at Oikawa’s parents, at Oikawa, and a little bit at Kuroo, even though he still knows that’s unreasonable. He tries to get that anger out of his system by powering himself out, working hard and gritting his teeth through the strain. He hasn’t worked out in a longer time now, and he’s probably setting himself up for a major muscle ache, but it does help with the boiling rage at least.

He only stops when Suga forces him to, being the reasonable person that he is.
When they’re back in the car, Iwaizumi is so exhausted that he almost drifts off to sleep. Suga drives him home, and when he sees him struggling to get out of the car, he gets out himself and lends him a hand.

“’m fine,” Iwaizumi murmurs, but he doesn’t protest either when Suga wraps an arm around his waist and supports him all the way to the door. 

They ring the bell, and when Iwaizumi’s mom opens up, it looks like she’s about to have a heart attack. “Boys! What happened?!”

“Nothing, really,” Suga says hastily. “We just went to the gym, and he tired himself out a bit.”

Iwaizumi’s mom lets out a breath. “God, sweethearts, don’t scare me like that. Thank you for bringing him home, Sugawara-kun. Do you want to come in?”

But Suga shakes his head. “I’m afraid I have to head home, too, but thank you.”

Iwaizumi’s mom replaces Suga’s arm around Iwaizumi’s waist, and he lets go. “I’ll text you. Bye!” He waves and then makes his way back to the car, while Iwaizumi’s mom maneuvers her son inside. She stumbles a but under his heavy weight, but holds herself quite well until she drops him off at the sofa.

“Now,” she says as she drops down next to him. “Do you want to talk about it?”

And Iwaizumi can’t help it, there’s tears filling up his eyes within seconds and a sob escapes his lips before he even realizes he’s crying.

“Oh sweetheart,” his mother coos and drapes an arm around him, pulling him close so he can cry on her shoulder. He doesn’t even remember the last time this has happened. It must have been years.

“I’m so angry, mom,” he sobs. “These people... they get away with it, and there’s nothing I can do about it; Oikawa won’t talk to me, and then there’s my shoulder which will take forever to heal. Everything’s broken and I can’t fix any of it.”

“Oh baby, you aren’t meant to fix everything.”

“Yeah, that’s what Oikawa said too. But I feel useless like this.” 

He used to be Oikawa’s pillar, the one he could lean on, and now that he’s too weak, their friendship is crumbling away.

“Hajime, listen.” His mom sits up and takes Iwaizumi’s hands in hers. “Tooru is having a really hard time right now. First the injuries, now his parents... we both know him, he doesn’t do well under stress.  And I understand that it feels like all is falling apart, but be patient. Don’t give up on him, and don’t give up on yourself. Friendships are put under strain sometimes, and that hurts a lot, but you have to remember not to get lost in that pain. Tooru will sort himself out with time, as will you.”

“But what if it’s too late then? What if we grow apart too much?”

“Look me in the eye and say that you truly believe that. Do you really think Tooru and you will ever grow apart so much that no matter what you do, you can’t ever reconcile?”

Iwaizumi hesitates for a moment, but he knows the answer to this. Even though he’s scared of losing Oikawa sometimes, he can never truly believe it will happen. They’ve simply been through too much together. “No.”

“See, there’s nothing to be scared of. Friendships are exactly like relationships. They require work, and sacrifices, and we have to improve daily to keep them working. It’s hard sometimes, but not unmanageable.”

Iwaizumi sniffles and puts his head on his mother’s shoulder. “Thank you, mom.” It still hurts, but he definitely feels better about the situation. It feels slightly less like drowning now.

She kisses his forehead like she used to when he was younger. “You’ll be okay, sweetheart. You’ll both be.”

They sit like this until Iwaizumi falls asleep. When he was younger, one of his parents would carry him up the stairs to his bed, but he’s grown too big for that now, so his mother softly wakes him again and ushers him to bed.

He lies awake for a few minutes again, staring at his ceiling. Oikawa and Kuroo probably went to bed too, hopefully both sleeping soundly by now. They both are touchy-feely persons, so there’s no doubt they’re sharing the bed, and though Iwaizumi knows it’s totally platonic between the two of them, he still can’t help feeling jealous. It’s not because he wants anything from Oikawa like that, he tells himself, it’s just that he misses his best friend. And oh, he misses him like crazy.

He gets up once again and takes the plush Godzilla that’s sitting on his gaming console. It was a gift from Oikawa for one of his birthdays – pretty much everything in Iwaizumi’s room somehow relates to Oikawa. It’s somewhat soothing, because like his mother said, they will be okay eventually. They’ve known each other for so long, been through so much together and Oikawa is ingrained in every part of his life... he’ll get through the hurt, and they’ll find a way.
He hugs the Godzilla tightly to his chest. It doesn’t change how lonely he feels, but it’s still nice. And this is how he falls asleep, with a heavy heart, but not without hope.

He’s so exhausted that he sleeps through a few hours without being restless. But at one point, he wakes up from the annoying, repeating sound of pebbles hitting his window. For a few seconds he wonders if he is dreaming, because stuff like that only happens in movies, but then he decides to get up anyways and when he looks out of his window, there’s Kuroo.

He’s in sweatpants and a loose t-shirt, obviously sleeping clothes, and his hair is even more ruffled than usually. What worries Iwaizumi though is his stare. His eyes are widened, almost frightened, and that’s not a look he’s ever seen on Kuroo’s face before.

“What the hell are you doing?” he asks, kind of dreading the answer. And sure enough, the words that leave Kuroo’s lips next chill him to the bone.

“It’s Oikawa.”

It kind of happens in a blur, whether it’s the adrenaline or Iwaizumi still being half-asleep, but he throws on a pair of shoes, grabs the spare key for Oikawa’s apartment and sprints down the stairs. He’s on the street within a matter of seconds, and without waiting for Kuroo, he starts running. In the rush, he forgot to put a shirt on, but it doesn’t matter.

Kuroo catches up to him, visibly panting so he probably already ran all the way here.

“What happened?” Iwaizumi grinds out. His legs hurt like crazy, but he doesn’t let himself care. There’s no room for that right now.

“I don’t know,” Kuroo pants. “I think he’s having a nightmare? I can’t wake him up, every time I touch him, he starts screaming. I tried calling, but your phone is switched off.”

Right, he forgot to charge it after coming home from the gym.

They make the way to Oikawa’s apartment in only a few minutes, and as fast as he can, Iwaizumi unlocks the door and sprints up the stairs. He unlocks the apartment door, too, and bursts in, heading for the bedroom right away. Kuroo arrives slightly behind him, audibly wheezing for air.

Iwaizumi throws open the door, and what he sees breaks his heart, though it’s not his first time witnessing this. Oikawa is cowering in the bedroom corner, completely curled up into himself and sobbing uncontrollably. There’s blood on his arm from where he dug his fingernails in too deep, and his whole body is trembling.

Instinctively, Iwaizumi walks over and drops to his knees right in front of Oikawa. It’s not his first time handling this, but it’s never easy. Kuroo is right, Oikawa is having a nightmare. It’s the kind he can’t pull himself out of, like being trapped in a panic attack. He used to have these a lot shortly after moving out and filing the restraining order, always scared his parents would come back to hurt him. There’s only one way to pull him out of this state, and it isn’t pretty. As much as Iwaizumi would like to handle this alone, he know he can’t with his one arm being completely useless. He’s no match for Oikawa like this.

“Kuroo, I need your help.” Even as he speaks, Oikawa doesn’t show any sign that he recognizes someone is here with him, he’s too caught up in the nightmare.

Kuroo is at Iwaizumi’s side immediately. “What do I do?”

It’s ugly, and difficult, but they have to do it. Normally he wouldn’t let anyone else touch Oikawa right now, but he needs the help, and Oikawa trusts Kuroo.

“We need to hold him down so he doesn’t hurt himself further.”

“Okay.” Kuroo seems determined, his eyes still wide, and Iwaizumi understands, he remembers what it was like to experience this for the first time.

“Good. We’ll pull him up on the bed. I’ll grab his torso, you the legs. Ready? Three, two, one, go!”

They grab Oikawa by the arms and hoist him onto the bed, and as soon as they touch him, he starts screaming bloody murder and kicks and punches and thrashes around. Iwaizumi takes a knee to his ribs, but he doesn’t even flinch, instead, he grabs one of Oikawa’s arms and forces it back down. Kuroo is getting a hold of Oikawa’s legs, and once he has them in his grip, Iwaizumi swings himself over Oikawa and sits on his torso, pressing his arms down into the mattress with his knees.
Oikawa is struggling, trying to get out of their grip, but they hold on as tight as they can and Iwaizumi reaches forward and lays a hand against his wet cheek. 

“Oikawa, it’s okay,” he says loud enough to drown out the sounds of Oikawa’s struggle. “It’s just me. Open your eyes. You’re okay.”

But Oikawa keeps crying and fighting, his eyes tightly shut and blind to reality. Iwaizumi curses quietly, but then resorts to mumbling words of reassurance, small nothings without real meaning, and he hopes it’s enough to bring Oikawa back, to let him know he’s here and that he’s not alone.
He rambles on and on and it feels like years are passing, but finally, finally, Oikawa’s eyes snap open. He’s still struggling, his tired mind probably can’t process the information it’s seeing so fast, so he strains against their grip, crying and sobbing.

“Oikawa, it’s just me. Look at me, hey, look at me.” The struggle grows weaker, and Iwaizumi starts threading his fingers through Oikawa’s damp hair. “You’re okay.”

Finally, Oikawa stops resisting. His whole body goes limp and he’s staring up at Iwaizumi, eyes wide and tears flowing. Iwaizumi rolls off of him, telling Kuroo with a hand gesture to let go, too. Then he grabs Oikawa with his uninjured hand and pulls him up into his arms, hugging him tight. “You’re okay.”

Oikawa presses into him like a touch-starved stray cat, buries his face in the crook of Iwaizumi’s neck and continues sobbing there. “Hajime...” The sound breaks Iwaizumi’s heart, and he pulls him even closer. 

“It’s okay. I’m here.”

They stay like this for what feels like an eternity, Oikawa sobbing quietly and Iwaizumi holding him as tight as he can against his bare chest. It pains Iwaizumi to see his best friend like this. He thought they’d left this behind, but of course Oikawa’s parents had to show up again and renew all that processed trauma. He hates them so much for it, for what they did to Oikawa and how they still manage to affect him.

After some more time, Oikawa seems to give in to the exhaustion. His breathing becomes more even and soon he’s snoring softly.

“Grab that blanket, will you?” Iwaizumi whispers, and while Kuroo does exactly that, he gently lowers Oikawa onto the bed. His face is all blotchy and wet, so he wipes it a bit before Kuroo brings the blanket and they quietly tuck him in. Iwaizumi musters Oikawa for a few more seconds, but he seems peaceful now, so he gestures for Kuroo to follow him out of the room.

They go to the living room, shutting Oikawa’s bedroom door, and drop down on the couch.

Kuroo lets out a breath. “Holy shit. That was intense.”

Iwaizumi nods. “He used to have these nightmares a lot when we were younger. This one was the first one in years, though.”

“His parents?” Kuroo guesses, and Iwaizumi nods. 

“It’s hard to snap him out of it. Sometimes it’s enough to talk to him and he’ll just wake up after a few moments, sometimes it’s as it was now.”

“I’m glad you came,” Kuroo says. He still looks really shaken up, and though Iwaizumi is not glad about the circumstances, it reassures him to see how much Kuroo cares about Oikawa. “I woke up because he fell out of the bed and backed into the corner. When I tried to wake him, he kept screaming and hitting me, and at some point, I didn’t know what to do except to call you. I figured you knew how to handle this.”

“Sorry that you had to run all the way. I forgot to charge my phone, that’s why you didn’t get through.”

But Kuroo just waves him off. “I’m just glad he’s okay now. And that I remembered the right window and didn’t throw pebbles at your parents’ bedroom.”

At that thought, Iwaizumi chuckles. The atmosphere eases up, and he can feel the adrenaline and terror leaving. Oikawa is okay, he’s sleeping soundly, so they can begin to relax now. “That sure would have been awkward.”

He sighs and looks at the clock. “I should probably head home.” Looking down on himself, he adds, “I’ll probably visit Oikawa’s wardrobe beforehand, though.”

Kuroo sits up a bit straighter. “I think you should stay.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea, to be honest.”

But Kuroo shakes his head. “You saw what happened. With all due respect, but you’re an idiot if you believe all that crap Oikawa says about not wanting to talk to you.”

Iwaizumi sighs, leaning back. “He’s made it more than clear.”

“Yes, because he’s afraid.” Kuroo sighs and runs a hand through his hair. “It’s none of my business, maybe, but I care for him a lot. And what he’s doing right now... it’s hurting him, and it’s hurting you too, so there’s really no point.”

“What am I supposed to do, then?” Iwaizumi asks.

“You need to see the real issue here. He’s not angry, he doesn’t need distance, he’s just afraid, Iwa-san. Terribly, terribly afraid.”

Iwaizumi furrows his brows. “Afraid of what? Me?”

“Of losing you. I’m not sure what the root of the problem is, but from what I heard it sounds like he’s scared that you’re growing tired of him and his problems, and I think you both tried to protect each other by pushing the other away, and it backfired massively since neither of you can cope alone.”

“I pushed him away because he wouldn’t drop the act, not because I got tired of his problems.”

“He might have heavily misinterpreted that.”

And it makes sense, Iwaizumi thinks. Oikawa has always been a master of overthinking, and as good as he is with reading people, sometimes he goes completely overboard with his analyzing. How didn’t he see that earlier?

“I should have known,” he groans, more to himself than to Kuroo.

“There’s a lot of self-doubt hidden behind that pretty face of his,” Kuroo replies, smiling softly. “And I really think that’s all this is. You’re way too important for him to push you away like that."

It’s like Iwaizumi’s mother said, Oikawa and he are just too close to ever really have a fallout over nothing, but still Iwaizumi kind of wants to punch himself in the face for not seeing the signs earlier. Of course Oikawa wasn’t trying to be an asshole, as much as he acts like it sometimes, he’s actually a decent person and of course he was just doubting himself like he always does whenever he’s in a dire situation and feels lost. But this time around there has been so much going on in Iwaizumi’s mind that he failed to understand the intentions of his best friend that he usually can recognize without any effort.

“I still don’t know how to fix it though. I can’t force him to talk to me.”

“If there’s anyone who can make Oikawa do something, then it’s you,” Kuroo says. “You’ll figure it out.”

They sit in silence for a bit, and Iwaizumi can feel the tiredness sinking in again. His thoughts are racing, most of them revolving around Oikawa, but there’s still something he wants to get off his chest though. “I’m sorry for snapping at you in the courthouse.”

Kuroo simply chuckles and waves him off, a genuinely amused look crinkling the corners of his eyes. “Don’t worry, I totally get it. If I was you, I think I would have punched myself in the face by now.”

“It’s not your fault Oikawa and I fought,” Iwaizumi persists. “You were only being a good friend to him, and I should have been grateful that he had someone by his side. It was selfish to be mad.”

“Ah, but we can’t always control our emotions, now can we? I don’t blame you, and you shouldn’t either. Jealousy is just something that happens, whether it’s justified or not.”

“I don’t usually get jealous.”

“Yeah,” Kuroo chuckles again. “Oikawa usually doesn’t give you much reason to, after all. In fact, I think it should happen more often.”

Iwaizumi furrows his brows. “Why?”

“Because then maybe one of you would finally get a move on. It’s painful to watch you two tip-toe around the very obvious elephant in the room.”

Iwaizumi’s body heats up as the implication of the words hit him. “I have no clue what you’re talking about,” he grumbles, but Kuroo just shakes his head.

“That is exactly what I’m talking about. It’s not my business and I wouldn’t get involved if it wasn’t so damn excruciating to watch. It’s like watching a forty-five-minute porn intro.”

“What the <i>fuck</i>, Kuroo.”

“Poor phrasing, sorry, but you get the gist.”

“Oikawa and I have different problems with each other than whatever it is you’re implying. Also, it’s late, and we’re not discussing this now.”

“You’re not discussing it, period. That’s the whole problem.”

Iwaizumi groans. “Kuroo, I just apologized. Don’t make me yell at you again.”

Kuroo laughs. “I have thick skin, I can take it. But I agree that it’s late, so we should head to bed.”

Thank the heavens, it wouldn’t have surprised him if Kuroo hadn’t let up until he got an answer that satisfied him. “You do that. I’ll take the couch.”

“Really?” Kuroo cocks his head. “What if he has another nightmare?”

Iwaizumi shrugs and begins arranging the pillows. “Then you come get me. No matter the reason for our fight, he still said he didn’t want to see me. I’m intruding enough as is.”

“You’re not...”

“We’re not having this discussion again. I’ll take the couch.”

Kuroo sighs, visibly too tired to argue. “Alright. Good night, Iwa-san. And do us all a favor and talk to him tomorrow.”

“Good night, Kuroo.”

He does want to talk to Oikawa, he really does. But it still scares him somehow. He knows that Kuroo is probably right, and that Oikawa isn’t really mad at him for something he has done, but maybe they’re just too similar. Because he’s afraid of losing his best friend, too, and he has to admit, staying in a safe limbo state seems much more harmless than actually talking it out with the prospect of finalizing their friendship. Which is probably exactly what Oikawa thought when he refused to talk to Iwaizumi. So maybe it’s scary, but they have to. They can’t stay like this forever, it’ll just hurt them over and over again.

Iwaizumi is exhausted, but the rest of the night his sleep is restless.

“And you think I don't read every message that you send?
You think I turn a blind eye
You think I'm just like them?
It breaks my heart, all these stories
Brings me to tears all this grief
And I feel so fucking helpless
When I can't be your relief”

(Don’t Lean On Me - The Amity Affliction)

Chapter Text

“I know you've suffered
But I don't want you to hide
It's cold and loveless
I won't let you be denied
Soothing
I'll make you feel pure
Trust me
You can be sure”

(Undisclosed Desires - Muse)

Iwaizumi wakes up at five in the morning, and no matter what he tries, he can’t fall back asleep. His thoughts are spinning and keep him awake.

After some time, he decides that it’s no use and gets up to make his way to the kitchen where he switches on the hot water pot and puts some green tea leaves into the strainer of a tea pot. He knows his way around Oikawa’s kitchen well, they moved his things here together after all.

When the tea is ready, he goes over to Oikawa’s bedroom door. There he halts for a moment to take a deep breath, then he slowly pushes the door handle down and enters. He needs to do this now, or else he’ll go insane; there’s no way that he can take it any second longer.

Oikawa and Kuroo are both asleep, though Oikawa is taking up about three quarters of the bed. It’s a bad habit of his, like Iwaizumi has unfortunately experienced himself a lot of times, because either Oikawa wants to cuddle or he almost throws the other person out of bed.

Iwaizumi makes his way over quietly and then gently taps Oikawa on the shoulder. It takes a few tries to get him to wake up, but finally he blinks a few times and looks up at Iwaizumi with a sleepy, confused look in his eyes. Iwaizumi presses a finger to his lips – he doesn’t want to wake Kuroo – and points behind himself, signaling that he’ll wait outside for Oikawa.

He exits the room again, waiting patiently until a disheveled, yawning Oikawa follows. “What time is it?”

“Around five.”

Oikawa frowns. “What?” Then he squints at Iwaizumi. “Where is your shirt?”

Of course that would be his most pressing question right now. “I made tea. Would you join me on the balcony?”

At the prospect of talking, Oikawa finally seems to wake up a bit. “Iwa-chan...”

But Iwaizumi is faster. “Please. We need to talk.”

They stare at each other until finally Oikawa hangs his head a bit and nods. “Okay, fine. But grab a blanket, it’s probably chilly outside.”

While Iwaizumi follows suit and goes back to the couch to get a blanket, Oikawa brings the tea out to the balcony. It’s beautiful outside. The sun has just started to rise and is bathing everything in a soft, golden light. The first birds are faintly beginning to chirp, but apart from that, the city is still silent. It’s peaceful, and Iwaizumi is thankful for that.

He sits down and wraps the blanket around himself, holding it open on one side so Oikawa can join. The latter hesitates for a second, but complies.

They sit in silence for a few minutes. Their bodies a pressed close and Iwaizumi is painfully aware of Oikawa’s body heat, and maybe being so close to his best friend is what finally encourages him to speak.

“I’m sorry for pushing you away after the surgery. I shouldn’t have done that.”

Oikawa just stares down at his tea cup. “It’s okay, I understand.”

Anger flares up in Iwaizumi, not anger at Oikawa per se, but anger at the many influences that fed into his best friend’s self-doubt over the years. He just wishes he could erase them. “No. I don’t think you do.” He puts his own cup down and turns a bit more towards Oikawa. “I get exasperated with you sometimes, but it’s not because I’m fed up with you. I just hate seeing you shut your emotions away, because I want to help you deal with them, and I can’t do that if you won’t let me.”

“You don’t have to fix me.”

“I never said you needed fixing. But you could use a hand now and then in dealing with things, and I get frustrated when you shut me out. It’s not because I’m angry at you though.”

“But...” Oikawa still isn’t looking up, but he furrows his brows at the teacup now. “Why did you tell me to leave, then?”

Iwaizumi sighs. “Because I was stupid, and in pain, but I get it now. I thought you were trying to keep up appearances for your own sake, so people wouldn’t see you fall apart. I thought you’d drop the act if I pushed you away for a bit, but I didn’t realize that you put it on because you didn’t want to burden me.” He pauses. “Oikawa, will you please look at me?”

Finally Oikawa turns. The look in his eyes is somewhat between scared and hopeful.

Iwaizumi continues with a firm voice, “I will never leave you, okay? You are not a burden, I won’t ever get tired of you, and even if I am annoyed from time to time, that doesn’t mean I want you in my life any less. Because I think that that’s what this is about, and I should have realized sooner, because then we could have resolved this much earlier.”

And instead of an answer, Oikawa surges forwards and basically throws himself into Iwaizumi’s arms (or arm, since he can only wrap his healthy one around him). They hold each other tight, and Iwaizumi almost sighs as he realizes how much he missed this.

“I’m sorry,” Oikawa chokes out. “I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not. I wanted to stay strong for you, but then I left when you needed me. I should have known you didn’t really want to push me away, I never should have doubted you like that.”

“You were spiraling down. We both know how your head can drive you into believing this bullshit.”

“I’m still sorry.”

“Apology accepted, then. Move on.”

Oikawa chuckles, but it’s still strained. “That’s rude, Iwa-chan. I’m telling you about my feelings here.”

“Yeah, that really isn’t your strong side. But anyways, I hope you get it now. I’m not leaving, ever. And if you ever doubt that again, I’m just gonna hold you hostage like this so we won’t have a chance of being apart.”

Now Oikawa laughs for real. “You’re gonna hold me hostage in your arms? That’s so sappy!”

“Take it or leave it, Shittykawa.”

They stay like this for some time, and quietly take in the golden morning atmosphere. Iwaizumi is internally cursing himself out, because they could have avoided so much pain if he had realized what Oikawa was really scared of. Apparently, even after all these years there’s still things he has to learn. But it’s okay now. There’s no need to dwell on it, not when things are finally fixed and he can finally hold his best friend again like this.

After a long silence, Oikawa asks, “How are you even here?”

“Kuroo went to get me when you had that nightmare and he couldn’t wake you.”

“Oh.” Oikawa doesn’t like to talk about his nightmares, Iwaizumi knows that, and that’s why he doesn’t press further. It’s no mystery why they came back after all. “I didn’t want him to see that.”

“He’s not judging you, in case you think that. He was just shaken up.”

“No, I know he wouldn’t judge. He’s a good guy, just... I don’t know.”

But Iwaizumi knows. Oikawa doesn’t want people to see him as weak, no matter how close those people are to him. He doesn’t think anyone besides him ever witnessed those nightmares before, so it’s probably scary to suddenly have Kuroo know about them too. But Oikawa’s right, Kuroo is a good guy.

“I’m surprised he even talked to you after the shouting contest you had yesterday,” Oikawa adds. “What was that about, anyways?”

“We already talked that out,” Iwaizumi says and rubs his neck. “I lost my temper; it wasn’t his fault.”

“Well, duh, but you always got along so well, didn’t you? What did he do to tick you off?”

“I was jealous,” Iwaizumi mumbles, and Oikawa leans in closer. 

“What?”

Iwaizumi is ninety-nine percent sure the asshole heard him the first time, but he still repeats himself louder this time. “I was jealous, okay? I know it was stupid and I’m glad he was there for you, but I couldn’t help it.”

“Aw, Iwa-chan,” Oikawa coos and cuddles up closer. “I didn’t know you were so possessive.”

“Oh, shut it,” Iwaizumi growls, but holds Oikawa tighter. “It’s just weird not to have you driving me crazy twenty-four seven.”

“I am a joy to be around.”

“Whatever you want to tell yourself.”

It’s so easy to fall right back into their usual routine of teasing and bickering, and the fact that it feels so natural makes Iwaizumi wonder how he could have ever thought he would lose Oikawa. They’re far too close to ever drift apart. But despite the light-hearted atmosphere, there’s something pressing at the back of Iwaizumi’s throat. He’s scared of asking, but he knows he has to, otherwise he’ll probably go insane. “Are you interested in him? Kuroo, I mean?”

“Yeah, I’m interested in his ability to keep his hair like it is. It takes him like two minutes to look like that, can you imagine?”

“You know what I mean.”

Oikawa hums. “Romantically? No.” Iwaizumi tells himself what he’s feeling isn’t relief. Oikawa continues, “He’s an awesome friend, but I think we’d kill each other if we tried to be anything else. He’s more of a Kubr-"

“If you make that pun, I swear I’ll kick you off the balcony.”

Oikawa pouts. “So mean, Iwa-chan!” Then he smirks. “What about you though? How come I never see you with any girl? There’s so many of them drooling over you at school, like oh my god look at that biceps!”

“Shittykawa, you’re really pressing your luck here.”

“But come on! Or is there a girl and you just never told me? Iwa-chan, how dare you!”

“Shut up, will you? Of course there isn’t a girl.”

“Why not though?”

“Not my department.”

They’ve never talked about this before because there simply hasn’t been any occasion, and Iwaizumi isn’t someone to drool over celebrities, so he never mentioned it in that context either. Even though they know each other as well as one can, their love lives simply aren’t important enough to be a general topic of discussion, and lately Iwaizumi hasn’t been too keen on bringing it up anyways because that might have led to questions he’s not sure he’s ready to face yet. He’s not scared that Oikawa will react badly though, not when Oikawa himself came out to him years ago.

He still yelps and draws back, staring right into Iwaizumi’s eyes. “What? You never told me!”

Iwaizumi just shrugs and takes a sip from his tea. “You never asked.”

“But I told you I was bisexual!"

“Is there a rule I have to reply to that with my own sexuality?”

“So rude.” Oikawa gasps. “Wait, does that mean you are interested in Kuroo? Is that why you asked?”

“No!” Iwaizumi replies and whacks Oikawa on the head. “Stop assuming things!”

“Gods, do you have any idea how exhausting it is to listen to you two?”

They both whirl around to see Kuroo leaning against the balcony door, casually sipping from a coffee cup. “Also, I’m offended none of you are attracted to me. Obviously, you’re too simple-minded to comprehend this divine beauty.”

Iwaizumi groans. “You two are so much alike, it’s amazing.”

“How long have you been listening?” Oikawa demands.

“Long enough to confirm you’re both idiots.” Kuroo moves from his spot and comes to sit down next to them, huddling under the blanket too. “So, did you finally make up?”

“Do you really think we’d be gossiping about you otherwise?” Oikawa replies with a sickly-sweet smile, but Kuroo seems unbothered by it. 

“Who wouldn’t gossip about me? But I’m glad you talked it out.”

“Sorry about yesterday,” Oikawa mutters and shuffles a bit so that the blanket covers Kuroo completely as well. “I didn’t know I’d get these nightmares again.”

But Kuroo just waves him off. “Don’t worry. You gave me a bit of a scare, but I figured your Iwa-chan would know what to do and well, he did, so we’re all good. You know I’d never judge you, right?”

“Right.”

“Except for thinking Iwaizumi is straight. I am hardcore judging you for that.”

“Excuse me,” Iwaizumi growls. “I don’t remember making my sexuality a topic of general discussion.”

“Oh, you didn’t have to,” Kuroo replies and smiles at him innocently. “But I’m genuinely shocked that you weren’t out yet, I always thought everyone knew.”

“I am out,” Iwaizumi replies, but then thinks about it. It’s true that he never explicitly told anyone about his sexuality, but he never hid it either so he just assumed people knew. “At least I was never in the closet. I didn’t have a coming out per se.”

“That is not considered being out,” Oikawa pouts, but Kuroo whacks him over the head and he whines. “Mean! Who’s similar to whom now? You two are totally ganging up on me.”

“It’s not my fault you’re totally oblivious,” Kuroo replies and sips his coffee.

“Can we stop discussing this now?” Iwaizumi groans.

“Why, what time would be better to discuss this than all of us being cuddled up in the morning sun?” Kuroo says, putting the back of his hand to his forehead and pretending to swoon.

“See, Oikawa, that’s more like you again,” Iwaizumi snorts.

Kuroo grins. “Does that make me your love child? Do I get to call you daddy in public now?”

“I swear to the gods...” Handling Oikawa is hard at times, but Kuroo is just as bad when it comes to his horrible sense of humor. 

“Don’t worry,” Kuroo winks. “I’m not actually making advances. In fact, I’m a taken man now, so you both squandered your chance.”

Oikawa lets out an undignified squeak.  “What? When did that happen? You ass, why didn’t you say anything?”

“Well, I felt like there were more pressing topics at hand, and it wasn’t official until like a week ago, but well, guess I can spill the beans now.”

“Damn right you will,” Oikawa demands. “The last status update I got was like half a year ago, and back then you said Ken-chan and you both agreed it would be better to stay friends than take it further, didn’t you? Did that change? What happened?”

Kuroo sheepishly rubs the back of his neck. “Uh… it’s not Kenma, actually. We’re both definitely happier as best friends.”

“Who is it, then?” Iwaizumi asks. “Do we know him?”

“You do, as a matter of fact.”

“Don’t make us guess now,” Oikawa pushes impatiently. “Who is it?”

“Yuuji. Terushima.” There’s a smile on Kuroo’s lips that almost looks shy, and Iwaizumi can’t stop the corners of his own mouth from quirking upwards as well. Kuroo is a pain in the ass, sure, and he’s just as chaotic as Oikawa is, if not even more, so seeing him with that sparkle in his eyes, looking a bit sheepish but also very genuinely happy - it does something to Iwaizumi’s chest.

Oikawa gawks. “You’re dating Johzenji’s captain?”

“Yeah,” Kuroo replies and his smile is so blissed out it’s endearing and diabetes-inducing at the same time. There’s a wide grin spreading on Oikawa’s face as well, and Iwaizumi can tell that Kuroo is in for it now.

“My, Tetsu-chan, you really do have a thing for younger guys, don’t you?”

And even if it’s just for the sake of granting Oikawa a little fun, just because the smile on his lips is a real one and Iwaizumi wants to keep it there as long as he can, he joins in on the teasing. “A little scandalous, don’t you think? He’s not even of age.”

“And he’s tiny! He’s even shorter than Iwa-chan!”

Okay now that’s taking it a bit far. “Quit acting like I’m that much shorter than you, it’s only a few centimeters!”

“Oh shut up, both of you,” Kuroo interrupts, and he’s probably trying to look mad, but the corners of his mouth twitch and betray him. “He’s barely a year younger, and as a matter of fact, I am taller than all of you, so shut your traps.”

“Aw, Tetsu-chan,” Oikawa muses and throws and arm around Kuroo’s shoulders to pull him into something that resembles both a hug and a wrestling move, “we’re just fucking with you, of course. He makes you smile like an absolute love-stricken idiot, so he seems to be a good catch.” He grins. “And he’s hot.”

Kuroo chuckles, but doesn’t push Oikawa off. “He is, isn’t he?”

As endearing as the whole scene is, there’s also a twinge in Iwaizumi’s stomach at hearing Oikawa calling Terushima hot, but he reprimands himself quickly for letting his mind go there, because first of all, he’s right, Iwaizumi does have eyes after all, and second, that’s Kuroo’s boyfriend they’re talking about, so there’s absolutely no need to feel that way. Gods, he needs some air.

“Okay, that’s it. We’re getting out of here before your sappiness kills me.”

Oikawa frowns. “To where, exactly?”

“The park. But I need a shower first, and a shirt.”

Oikawa’s eyes wander south, and it takes all Iwaizumi has not to flinch away, or worse, blush. What the fuck is wrong with his brain today? It’s not like they have never seen each other shirtless. “Why don’t you have a shirt in the first place?”

“Didn’t have time to grab one last night.” Iwaizumi gets up, picking up the empty tea cups to keep himself from just bolting inside. “It’s a school day, and it’s still early, so there probably won’t be much people at the park. I mean, you guys don’t have to come, but I definitely feel like getting some air.”

“Sounds good,” Oikawa says and tries to stand up, too, but fails since he has only one arm and leg to work with. Iwaizumi is about to put down the cups and help him, but Kuroo shakes his head and wraps his arm around Oikawa’s shoulders, pulling him up.

“Thanks.”

“Where are your crutches, anyways?” Iwaizumi asks, and Oikawa smiles innocently. 

“My knee actually doesn’t feel that bad anym-”

“Kuroo, will you please get his crutches and glue his hands to them if he refuses?”

Oikawa gasps in feigned shock, but Iwaizumi doesn’t even wait for a reply and goes back inside instead. He brings the cups back into the kitchen, then enters Oikawa’s bedroom to look into the wardrobe. Oikawa steals Iwaizumi’s shirts on a regular basis. They fit him well enough, being a bit oversized and the hem riding high on his hips, but the other way round is a little more difficult since Iwaizumi is shorter, but more broad in the shoulders, so Oikawa’s shirts are a bit too long, but fit tightly. But there are perks of Oikawa stealing his shirts, for example that most times he can find some in the wardrobe, and sure enough he spots at least four shirts that look familiar to him.

He grabs one and exits the bedroom again. Oikawa is standing at the kitchen entrance – on his crutches, Iwaizumi notices with satisfaction – and looks at the shirt Iwaizumi is holding. “Iwa-chan, am I going to get that back after you wore it?”

Iwaizumi rolls his eyes. “You know that this is mine, right?”

The reply is a grin. “It’s my favorite though.”

“Whatever. I’m going to take a shower now. Oh, and can you text my mom that I’m here? I didn’t bring my phone.” His mother discovering an empty bed after all that happened in the last few weeks is probably the last thing she needs right now.

“Sure.”

It takes quite some time until they are all showered and ready to go out, but it’s still early in the morning and the streets aren’t very busy yet, just some cars passing with people on their way to work.
Kuroo is way too energetic for this time of the day, but Oikawa seems to enjoy it as he keeps drilling him with questions about Terushima, so Iwaizumi bites back on the comment. It doesn’t really bother him, either, though he does wonder how Kuroo manages to always stay in such a good mood, especially at this hour.
The atmosphere is relaxed, and Oikawa even cracks a few jokes about Kuroo being a city boy when the latter rambles on and on about how nice it is to have these green spaces around here - the city boy thing has stuck with them ever since first captains’ retreat where Sugawara’s first interaction with Kuroo was that he apologized for their wing spiker’s rude behavior. Kuroo just laughed it off, though, as he does now with Oikawa’s jabs. Iwaizumi’s heart swells when he sees the content smile on his best friend’s face - a genuine one.

The do nothing but wander among the trees that are still dripping with morning dew, and Iwaizumi listens to Kuroo and Oikawa bicker and laugh and crack ridiculous jokes that makes him roll his eyes so hard that he fears they won’t straighten out again. They stay there for hours, just strolling around and talking about everything and anything, and it’s nice being away from everything for a while. Judging by the relaxed posture of his shoulders, Oikawa seems to think the same.

Only when Kuroo’s aunt calls him and yells at him for a good fifteen minutes for skipping school and orders him to come back to Tokyo immediately do they leave again, but Oikawa is smiling faintly, there’s no shadows behind his eyes, and for the first time in days Iwaizumi feels like he can breathe properly again. The crisp fresh air of the park feels blissful in his lungs.

A few days later, they are in the car at the parking lot in front of the school.

Entering the school has never been much of an obstacle for Oikawa. He knows there are people who dread coming through these gates, who’d rather turn around and leave, but he has never been one of them. He has been blessed with popularity and many friends, teachers and students who acknowledge him, and since he excels in practically every class, there hasn’t been anything to fear for him. 
On the contrary, school was his safe place back when he was still living with his parents, apart from Iwaizumi’s house. Here, he had friends, he was met with smiles and laughter and people looked at him with kindness in their eyes instead of hate.

Of course there have been some incidents – where popularity grows, jealousy thrives and rumors spread, that is just the natural order of things. But overall Oikawa was spared from the worst of it all. It got worse when he started living alone, but his friends made sure that it died down relatively fast and people started laying off him quickly.

Since the accident though, the whole school has been thrown into turmoil, and even though it also has gotten less, everyone is still on edge. And of course it didn’t go unnoticed that Oikawa and Iwaizumi haven’t been at school again for several days – it never goes unnoticed.  Whenever Oikawa misses a day, get-well wishes start piling up in his mailbox and people ask his friends to pass on little gifts to him. Usually it’s Iwaizumi who shows up on his doorstep with his arms full of presents and a pissed-off expression on his face, growling at him to get his fanclub under control.
But this time Iwaizumi isn’t at school either, and of course people know that something has to be really wrong when they’re both missing at the same time.

So for the first time that he can remember, Oikawa really dreads entering the school. He doesn’t know if he can take being bombarded with questions right now, not when everything that happened is still so painfully close.

When they’re finally in front of the gates, Oikawa has to take a deep breath before he reaches for the handle of the car door. Before he can open it though, Iwaizumi’s voice lets him halt.

“You don’t have to do this.” He turns around, and Iwaizumi is looking at him with a frown. “If you’re not ready, wait. Nobody will blame you.”

“It’ll just get worse if I stall,” Oikawa replies and tries a smile. It still feels wrong, and he knows it won’t put Iwaizumi at ease, but at least it makes himself feel better. If he can just go out there and show the people that he’s back and that he’s fine, hopefully they’ll drop the topic quickly. But if he stays away even longer than he already has, people will seriously start to wonder and then he’s sure he won’t be able to save himself from all the questions anymore.

“We’ll just tell them your injury needed new treatment,” Mattsun says from the driver’s seat. “That’s the story we’re rolling with anyways. We were part of a major accident; everyone will understand that we’re still facing repercussions from that.”

It’s true, as horrible as the accident was, it’s a perfect cover-up story. A blessing in a very bloody disguise, Oikawa supposes. “It’s fine, guys, really. Let’s just go.”

“Oikawa...”

But he ignores them and opens the door, arranging his crutches so he can push himself up and out of the car. Behind him he can hear Iwaizumi curse, but he chooses to ignore it. This is like ripping off a band-aid, a feeling he’s used to. He can do this.
Since his upper body is steadily healing, Oikawa insists on carrying his own backpack again. The other guys let him, though Mattsun takes Iwaizumi’s bag since the other has his arm in a sling and can’t possibly carry it. And that is how they enter the school, Oikawa and Makki on crutches, Mattsun with two bags and Iwaizumi with his messed-up shoulder.

They’re crowded by people in an instant. Oikawa didn’t really expect anything else, but still it makes his chest tighten and his lungs contract.

“Oikawa-san, how are you feeling?”
“Did you have another surgery?”
“How’s your knee?”
“Will you be able to play again in the next tournament?”

He tries his best to keep smiling, and responds to the easy questions, telling everyone that he’s fine and not to worry, but he doesn’t say anything about his knee or volleyball. The doctors still can’t tell him for sure how long he’ll need to heal, so he doesn’t want to make any statements that people can hold him to yet.

They somehow make their way to class, and at this point Oikawa is really yearning for the bell to ring so everyone will have to sit down and stop with the questions. It’s not like he blames these people for being curious, and he’s also really grateful that they care about him so much that they go out of their way to ask him how he is, but it’s just too much for him at the moment.
Of course Iwaizumi was right earlier, Oikawa isn’t ready for any of this, but he knows if he drags it out, it’ll get worse, and also missing on any more school really isn’t an option now that he’s on the brink of losing his scholarship. He’ll get through this, somehow.

Finally, the bell rings and everyone returns to their seats and Oikawa feels a bit guilty for being so relieved. Iwaizumi, who is sitting at the desk next to him on his left, doesn’t seem to share the sentiment, and it looks like he’s not even trying to hide his annoyance judging from the way he’s scowling at the people who are now scattering.

Oikawa throws a pen at him to snap him out of it. “Iwa-chan, your face will get stuck like this.”

Iwaizumi snorts and throws it right back. “That’s rich coming from a guy whose face already looks like that.”

It’s nice to be back to normal, Oikawa thinks, to bicker like they always do and not having to worry about any of the problems that are currently crushing his shoulders under their weight.

But the whispers around them don’t fade. On the contrary, they only grow louder.

“So come on and take a shot, you just can't get enough
Don't let the fact that you know nothing stop you talking now
'Cause when all is said and done, my name's still on your tongue”

(why you gotta kick me when I'm down? - Bring Me The Horizon)

Chapter Text

“Lies, every time they ask me, I just tell em that I'm fine
Try to hide my demons but they only multiply
Keep me runnin' from the voices on repeat inside my mind”

(Breaking Down - I Prevail)

For first period, they have English, and even though Oikawa has missed some days, he’s able to catch up quickly. He’s never really had any problems regarding schoolwork. Sometimes people tell him how lucky he is that all those things just come to him naturally, but whenever that happens, he kindly reminds them that there is nothing natural about it. Sure, he has the advantage of being able to grasp new concepts rather quickly, but in the end all his excelling grades are the results of all the hard work he put into them. Just because he has a quick understanding of things doesn’t mean he studied any less hard than anyone else. Though Oikawa is pretty sure nobody in their year is working as hard as Iwaizumi is – especially this last semester he really started studying every free minute that he got, and Oikawa doesn’t know how he is even still sane.

English passes rather quickly, and Oikawa packs up his own things before helping Iwaizumi gather his. He can already see a group of girls whispering a few desks over, obviously debating who’s going to ask Iwaizumi if she can carry his bag for him, and something about it leaves an unpleasant feeling in his chest, so he just slings the backpack over his own shoulder before the girls have a chance to come over.

Iwaizumi frowns. “Shittykawa, you’re not supposed to carry that much weight yet.”

“It’s fine,” Oikawa says. “I forgot my maths book, anyways, so it isn’t that heavy.” He watches the girls from the corner of his eyes, and it seems they resign at the failed opportunity and leave the classroom.

“Still, let Mattsun carry it,” Iwaizumi insists, and since the girls are gone already and can’t interfere, Oikawa doesn’t object. Mattsun is already on his way over and takes the bag from Oikawa without having to ask for it.

The lessons pass faster than Oikawa imagined, and then it’s time for lunch. On their way to the cafeteria, the crowd around them is already bigger than usual, and when they sit down at the usual table, it seems to Oikawa that there are also more people today.

Mattsun recruits some of their friends to help with getting the food for Makki, Iwaizumi and Oikawa, since them standing in line with their crutches and Iwaizumi with only one working arm would be kind of a hazard.

Despite volleyball playing a huge part in his life, it doesn’t entirely affect Oikawa’s social surroundings in school. Sure, it definitely increased his popularity and his closest friends are still members from the team, but he does have friends outside of volleyball and it’s not the only thing people approach him for. The volleyball team doesn’t sit together at lunch, either – Oikawa has seen many American movies were the schools’ sports team always do, but he doesn’t really get it. They’re from different grades, they’re different ages, and they all have their own friends. Of course he considers all his teammates friends, and he’d do anything for all of them, but they do have other things in their life too, naturally.

The concept of jocks doesn’t really exist in their school- okay, he is popular and his social circle is big, but it’s not sports alone uniting them. There’s friends from his astrophysics class sitting with him, people he randomly befriended in the hallway, friends of his friends that he met due to others... pretty much anyone would be welcome here if they wanted to, so it’s not unusual for new faces to appear. But the crowd certainly is bigger than usual.

Oikawa tries to submerge himself into meaningless conversations with Makki to avoid having to answer other people’s questions – Iwaizumi's not really a big help since he’s still all frowny and quiet. It works for quite some time. Mattsun and the others come back with the food and they start eating, Mattsun happily joining their stupid talks, and the other people at the table and surrounding them just leave them be unless it is to laugh or throw in a random comment, but none try to change topic or steer the conversations in any other direction.

Oikawa is almost convinced that this isn’t so bad after all, but then someone behind him clears their throat. He tenses, unwelcome thoughts of danger shooting through his mind, but he forces himself to turn around calmly, a lop-sided smile on his face. It’s a girl, a second-year with a hair color resembling his own, and he’s pretty sure he’s seen her before though he can’t remember her name.

“Oikawa-san?”

“What is it?” He forces himself to smile on, though he can already sense this is not going to be pleasant. The girl doesn’t seem flustered like most underclassmen do when they approach him, on the contrary, she has one hand resting on her hips casually and her head is slightly cocked as she looks him straight in the eyes. He’s sitting, but she isn’t that tall, so she doesn’t have to look down too far.

“My friend says you were at court the other day.”

Each word hits like a punch to the ribs. She can’t know, is the first thing that shoots through his mind. How would she? She can’t.

“What?” is the only thing he can manage to say.

The girl continues on as if it wasn’t a big issue. “Oh, you know, we just wanted to check if it’s true. I’m not a big fan of the whole rumors thing, and there’s a lot of those going around, so I just wanted to ask in person to clear things up.”

There’s a cold, dead hand gripping at his throat, squeezing. Usually, Oikawa always knows what to say, always has some kind of answer to give, even if it’s just shallow words to evade certain questions. But this, he doesn’t know how to handle it. The silence drags out, and he’s painfully aware of the seconds that pass, and yet he’s frozen in place, unable to speak as the girl’s eyes first widen, then narrow at his lack of response.

And then he feels movement beside him. It’s Iwaizumi, getting up from his seat, and gods, if that expression was directed at Oikawa himself, he’d definitely run.
Iwaizumi is fuming, which is a rare sight to Oikawa. Sure, his Iwa-chan is a brute sometimes, and some people mistake his sudden outbursts as a tendency for hot-headedness, but Oikawa knows better. On the contrary, Iwaizumi is very much level-headed. His outbursts sometimes are nothing but playful jabs, because that’s just how he expresses emotions, both positive and negative. When he’s annoyed, he snaps at Oikawa, when he’s happy, he’s grumbling, when he’s excited, he yells. That’s just who he is. But it’s very rare that Iwaizumi truly gets angry – and this time, it’s not just anger, it’s white hot fury, and Oikawa is both grateful and a bit taken aback by it.

Iwaizumi is standing between Oikawa and the second-year now, and though he isn’t huge, he still towers over the girl who instantly takes a step back. Smart move, probably.

His voice is a low growl when he speaks. “I’d very much appreciate you minding your own business.”

The girl is visibly shaken, but still she tries to argue. “I didn’t... everyone is wondering, is all.”

It’s like the whole cafeteria has gone silent, and Oikawa just wants to disappear.

“There’s nothing to wonder about,” Iwaizumi replies curtly. “Leave.”

Oikawa can feel the girl’s eyes on him, as if she was directly asking why he isn’t speaking for himself. But he can’t. He can’t even bring himself to look at her. If she found out this much already, how much more will people discover once they start looking? What will become of his secrets he has guarded for so many years? How long now until that perfect image he has built up will crumble? The grip on his throat tightens, and he can feel his eyes burning.

When he glances up just a little bit, it looks like the girl wants to say something else, but one more look at Iwaizumi makes her decide against it, so she shrugs and takes off. Whispers erupt in the cafeteria, hushed first and then louder until everything is back to its normal volume. Except this isn’t normal. They’re all talking about him.

Iwaizumi huffs and sits back down, fury still written all over his face. Nobody at their table says anything until Makki cautiously starts up. “Wow. Some people just don’t have any sense of privacy.”

Oikawa is basically dying internally by now, so he just shrugs and returns to eating his food, wishing everyone would stop staring.

“Whatever,” Iwaizumi scoffs. “Let’s talk about something less time-wasting.” 

He swiftly brings the conversation back on track, and slowly, everyone follows. Everyone except Oikawa, who just concentrates on his food, and on the knee that Iwaizumi presses against his leg under the table, the only indication that the conversation that has just taken place wasn’t some weird scenario in Oikawa’s head. He’s grateful to Iwaizumi, both for dealing with the girl and for changing the topic so swiftly after, but still it doesn’t make the sick feeling in his stomach go away, nor the feeling of all the eyes that are staring at him.
Lunch drags out excruciatingly long.

When they make their way back to class, the whispers don’t stop. If anything, they only seem to get louder with every step Oikawa takes, and he can feel the unease rising in his chest. His lungs feel like the air goes just straight through them, not delivering the oxygen, and every breath he takes feels closer to suffocation. Even though he’s not putting much weight on it, his knee is sending small waves of pain through him with every movement, and it’s the only thing he concentrates on for the moment. This pain, he is used to.

Shortly in front of the classroom though, it’s just too much. All the stares, all the whispers, it’s slowly suffocating him and he can’t keep this up, he needs to breathe goddammit!

“Go on guys, I’m heading to the bathroom real quick.” His own voice sounds far away in his ears, and he barely registers Iwaizumi’s concerned frown or the looks Makki and Mattsun exchange. Thankfully, nobody tries to stop him, so he turns and limps off.

He passes a lot of students on the way and they all blur into a huge mass of color, a persistent hum of their voices press in on his eardrums and if he doesn’t find some place to be alone for a minute then his head is going to explode, he can’t take this, he can’t...

“Oikawa-san?”

It’s a third-year girl, blocking his way to the bathroom which is so painfully close now. He can barely see her face, it’s like his contacts are steamed over and leave his vision blurry and grey. “I was just wondering if you and Iwaizumi were alright?”

Despite the blurriness, he recognizes her now. She’s in the same class as they are, and he remembers her very clearly because in the weeks before the accident, rumors were going around that she was going to ask Iwaizumi out. It never happened, probably because of the whole chaos the accident caused, but she did have the audacity to show up at the hospital. As if she has any claim to be this familiar with them. As if making eyes at Iwaizumi gives her any right to be involved in their personal life.
The fake concern on her face now – it is fake, Oikawa is sure of it – makes him want to scowl and tell her to beat it. She doesn’t care if he’s alright or not, she just wants to use him to get to Iwa-chan, to win his favor and seduce him with those dull eyes of hers. And he is not up for that right now.

“We’re fine, thanks.” It sounds civil, and he’s almost surprised at himself for that. But when he makes to move past her, she speaks again.

“It can’t have been easy, going to court against your parents.”

He stops dead in his tracks, staring at her, and his vision clears up in an instant. “What did you say?” He must have misheard. She can’t know, there’s no way.

“Oh, you know, people have been talking about it and I just... Well, of course we noticed you stayed home several days after the court date, and people really care about you here at school, so if you ever need someone to talk about or anything-”

“Who told you that?” he interrupts. His voice sounds colder than he intended and he flinches internally, but can’t dwell on it since the panic rises in his chest.

“What, about the process? Everyone’s kind of talking about it right now.”

That girl at lunch. People heard them talk, people started looking into it, and now it was all out. It was too late.

“Isn’t it true what they’re saying? What happened really, then?”

He can’t. He can’t, he can’t, he can’t.

His leg almost gives when he stumbles backwards and he catches himself last moment by shifting more weight onto the crutch, but he doesn’t really care about the painful twinge in both his knee and wrist, he only cares about getting out of here. And his destination is not the bathroom anymore.

“Oikawa-san?” the girl asks, worry in her voice, but he doesn’t answer, just turns around and steers towards the exit. She has no business being worried, no business asking about the court date, no business snuffing around in his life, especially if it’s just to get to Iwa-chan. But she’s not the only one, she said everyone is talking about it now, and judging from the looks he’s getting as he frantically limps towards the school gates, she wasn’t lying. Why would she, after all?

Some people try to approach him, but he makes a point of walking in another direction every time. These are still school grounds, so he keeps it together as best as he can. There’s no way he can uphold his usual smile right now, but he won’t let his emotions overtake him just yet.

Play it cool, he tells himself.

He refuses to let his mind wander anywhere, keeps it on a tight leash and away from all the stuff it so desperately wants to think about. He can’t, not yet. It’s like he’s on autopilot, steering towards the bus stop, mind completely blank and only a tiny voice in his head yelling at him to let it in, to let him feel, to let him think, but he can’t yet so he desperately holds on.

Luck is on his side for once and the bus arrives just when he does, and he enters right away. It’s just when he’s already inside and seated that he hears a voice calling out his name.

“Oikawa!”

He turns towards the window, and there he is, Iwaizumi running towards the bus. How in the hell did he find him already? He darts over the lawn, the injured arm slowing him down a bit, but surely enough he arrives the bus just in time. Or he would. But then something strange happens.

Iwaizumi takes a step towards the bus, and then he freezes, staring at the doors with his eyes wide open. Oikawa can see his fingers twitching at his side. He just stands there, staring, unmoving, and eventually the bus doors close and it seems to snap him back into reality as he whips his head around and his wide eyes find Oikawa’s.

“Iwa-chan?” the latter croaks out, unsure of what he just witnessed. But of course Iwaizumi can’t hear him, and then the bus moves forward.

He drives away, staring back at Iwaizumi and they hold eye contact until they’re too far away to really make out each other’s faces. When Iwaizumi is gone from his sight, Oikawa slumps in his seat, staring down at his hands which are still shaking. He doesn’t know what’s going on anymore, he doesn’t know why everyone suddenly knows about his parents, he doesn’t know why Iwaizumi didn’t enter the bus, he doesn’t know why his chest feels so tight... he just wants it all to stop.

Iwaizumi curses himself the entire time running back to school. Shortly after Oikawa went to the bathroom, he got a bad feeling and followed him, only to spot him outside limping towards the bus stop determinedly. Hearing to the chatter around him, he quickly figured out why – everyone was talking about the court procedure. About Oikawa’s parents. Somehow, everyone seemed to know all of a sudden.

Iwaizumi didn’t even think before running after Oikawa, but then the other entered the bus and Iwaizumi’s body just froze. He desperately wanted to get to his best friend because he knew Oikawa could be stupid when he was upset and he needed someone there to be his common sense filter, and he’d do anything to be by his side, but his legs just. wouldn't. move.

So when the bus is out of sight, he just runs back to school. He needs to ask Mattsun to drive him, even though it means getting him to skip class and getting him into trouble too, but he can’t care about that right now, not when Oikawa is in this state. He doesn’t even know where Oikawa went, but there’s a few places he can think of and hell, if he needs to drive to all of them to check them off the list, then so be it.

“Iwaizumi-san!”

The voice makes him stop and turn around. It’s not a voice he’s used to hearing around here, a voice that belongs to...

“Suga-san?”

And sure enough, there is Karasuno’s vice captain, approaching him from the parking lot with a concerned look on his face. “Are you alright? I just saw you running past me.”

“What are you doing here?” Iwaizumi asks, ignoring the questions completely because he’s just too confused to answer.

“Oh,” Suga says and points at the school. “I was dropping off the first and second years. I have a free period, so I usually give them a ride after training.”

The joint practice at Karasuno. Of course. 

When he doesn’t respond, Suga asks again, “Are you alright?”

Suga is safe to tell, he supposes. He was there through the whole ordeal with Oikawa’s parents anyways. 

“Oikawa just ran away. I was gonna ask Mattsun to drive me after him.”

Suga’s eyes widen, but he takes a step aside. “My car is right here, and I don’t have school. Come on.”

Iwaizumi doesn’t see the sense in hesitating – Suga's offer makes sense, after all – so he follows him to the car and gets in. He tells Suga where to go, and they drive off right away.

“Sorry, but... can I ask why Oikawa ran away?” Suga asks after a while.

Iwaizumi expected the question, and it wasn’t like any of it was a secret anymore. “Word got out about the court procedure. The whole school is talking about it, and I think someone approached him to talk to him about it.”

“Oh.” Suga pauses for a second. “That must be really hard on him.”

“It’s just talk,” Iwaizumi replies, but he knows that for Oikawa, it’s more than that. For him, it’s a personal attack, negative associations trying to bring down his perfectly built-up image. And though Iwaizumi never understood why Oikawa insisted of keeping up pretenses, always wearing that cheerful mask, he knows that it’s very important to his friend, and that makes it important to him, too, even though he doesn’t particularly like it. He supported him back then, when Oikawa moved out to live alone and rumors started spreading rapidly. This time was no different.

“You think he went back to his apartment, then?”

“Most likely. If not, he’s probably either at my house or wandering around the park.” Oikawa has a spare key to Iwaizumi’s house, and it has happened more than once that that was were Iwaizumi found him, curled up on his bed as if nothing happened.

Of course Iwaizumi has a spare key for Oikawa’s place, too, and that’s how he enters when they arrive. Suga is waiting down in the car, and Iwaizumi’s initial plan was to call him if he finds Oikawa to let him know they’re fine, but the moment he sets foot into the apartment, he can already tell he won’t find his best friend here. It’s like Oikawa always has a certain presence wherever he goes, and Iwaizumi definitely can’t feel it here. It’s too quiet, too little tension in the air.

He checks all the rooms anyways just to be sure, but sure enough, Oikawa isn’t here. With a little sigh Iwaizumi straightens out the blanket on Oikawa’s side of the bed – he never makes his bed in the mornings and it makes Iwaizumi furious.
Then he makes his way out of the apartment again, feeling a little disheartened as he passes the remnants of their breakfast on the couch table where they left it this morning because they were in such a rush after oversleeping for half an hour and Mattsun was picking them up. Oikawa seemed so determined then, a little wary, but still positive and ready to face a school day again, even with the prospect of unpleasant questions being asked. Of course, he didn’t know yet that what he tried to keep a secret had already spilled – and his determination backfired massively.

Iwaizumi just wants to find him and tell him that it doesn’t matter, that chatter will die down and that he will be okay. That’s the most difficult part about Oikawa, the fact that he thinks the world will turn on him if he shows it his true face. It’s why Iwaizumi and him had that big fight in the hospital after all, Oikawa thinking the person closest to him was growing fed up with him. If only there was a way to make him understand that he didn’t need to pretend, that it was perfectly okay to just be himself.

Iwaizumi makes his way back down and gets into the car again, shaking his head at Suga’s questioning look. “He’s not there. Can you drive to my place? I’ll try calling him.”

As expected, the phone goes straight to voicemail. Iwaizumi rolls his eyes and says, “Oi Shittykawa, call me back, will you? You can’t just run off like that, asshole.”

He hangs up and Suga is snickering next to him. “That was really heartfelt.”

Iwaizumi scoffs. “I was being civil there. The idiot knows better than just to disappear on me.”

But Oikawa isn’t at Iwaizumi’s house, and he isn’t at the park either. They call him a few times again, but nothing, and now Iwaizumi starts to feel that little twinge of fear in his guts.

It’s okay, he tells himself. He’s probably just sulking somewhere. He’ll be back. He’s okay.

But images of Oikawa’s parents keep forcing their way back into his mind, images of Oikawa cowering before his father, eyes so wide in fear... Iwaizumi slams the redial button for what feels like the hundredth time. Voicemail. Again.

“Where the hell are you? Call me back or I swear to the gods I will punch you when you come back, and no, I don’t care that you’re injured!”

When he hangs up, Suga reaches for the phone and slowly takes it out of his hand. “I think that’s quite enough messages.”

“I just... ugh!” Iwaizumi replies and frowns at the trees next to the parking spot where they are currently standing. “He knows I saw him running off! He knows I’d be worried, so why isn’t he answering his phone? It’s been over an hour now!”

“He probably just needs some time to clear his head,” Suga offers, and Iwaizumi knows he’s probably right, but the worry is making him irrational. It’s gripping his heart with a cold hand and squeezes whenever he thinks about what could have happened. Of course he’s probably overreacting, it’s only been an hour, but Oikawa is so stupid sometimes when he’s upset, and his parents might still be around, and he’s injured for fuck's sake, and when he isn’t in his usual spots then where the hell would he go?

“Iwa-san.” He didn’t even hear that Suga said something.

“I’m sorry, what?”

“I said we’ll keep trying, but I’m pretty sure he’s fine. Don’t panic, okay? We’ll get him back.”

“Okay.” Iwaizumi takes a deep breath and tries to rein his nerves back under control. It doesn’t help that he is dead tired, all the nights spent buried in schoolwork are seriously starting to wear him down, but this is fine. Oikawa will call back, he’s just cooling off for a bit, it’s all fine. He’s not hurt. He’s not with his parents. He’s not scared and alone... Iwaizumi sighs and squeezes his eyes shut. 

This will be the most excruciating wait of his life.

“Some day when galaxies collide
We'll be lost on different skies
I will send my rocket ship to find you
Because I know you're lost when you run away
Into the same black holes and black mistakes”

(Die For You - Starset)

Chapter Text

“Just like every other time before
(You hit the wall and lost it all)
I'll find a way
To wake you from this bed you've made
Even though I know you want me to
I'm never giving up on you”

(Never Giving Up - Of Mice & Men)

Oikawa doesn’t come back.

It’s been hours by now, school is over, Makki and Mattsun and all their friends who know about the situation are freaking out, and Iwaizumi is close to calling the police. If it wasn’t for Suga, he would have already done so, but Karasuno’s vice captain continues to be the voice of reason in his panic. But now even Suga is starting to get nervous, and Iwaizumi can’t handle it. He needs to do something, he needs to keep busy, he can’t just sit back and wait when Oikawa is out there, all alone, maybe scared, maybe hurt...

His phone rings.

For the first few seconds, Iwaizumi just stares at it when Suga holds it out to him, can’t believe the name glowing on the display, the stupid picture that lights up there. Then he grabs his phone so fast it almost slips out of his hand, pressing the accept button a tad too hard. 

“Oikawa?!”

“Hey,” Oikawa’s voice sounds from the other end of the line, and Iwaizumi wants to cry.

“Where are you? Are you okay? Are you hurt? Do we need to pick you up?” Iwaizumi usually isn’t one to ramble, but now that the relief is flooding through him, he has neither his mind nor his mouth under control.

“I’m okay,” Oikawa says softly. “I’m walking back to my apartment now. Where are you?”

Iwaizumi sighs in relief and sinks against the hood of Suga’s car. “In front of your apartment. How far away are you? Sure you don’t want us to come get you?”

“No, I’ll be there in five minutes.” There’s a short pause. “I heard your voice mails, Iwa-chan. I’m really sorry.”

Iwaizumi doesn’t even have the energy to snap at him. “Don’t worry about it. Just come home.”

“Alright, I’ll be there in a few.”

They hang up, and Iwaizumi drags a hand through his hair, locking eyes with Suga. “He’s okay. He’s on his way here.”

Suga lets out a visible sigh. “Thank the heavens. Any longer and I really would have started to get nervous.” Good one, considering Iwaizumi is having an ongoing nervous breakdown ever since that bus left his sight.

“That goddamn idiot.”

Suga chuckles. “Yeah, I’m glad too.”

A few minutes later, Iwaizumi hears the click of crutches against concrete and he starts running before Oikawa even rounds the corner. And then there he is, looking tired and worn-out, but unhurt and Iwaizumi is with him in seconds, not giving a crap about the damned crutches as he pulls his best friend into a tight embrace. 

“You fucking asshole.” There’s no edge to his words, but he doesn’t care.

Oikawa just lets the crutches drop and hugs him right back, fingers grasping Iwaizumi’s shirt and bunching it up as he holds on. “I’m so sorry, Iwa-chan.”

“You better be,” Iwaizumi chokes out, but doesn’t let go. “You can’t just run off like that without saying anything and then disappear for hours, Shittykawa!”

“I know, I know, I’m sorry, I wasn’t thinking.”

“Damn right you weren’t!” Iwaizumi pulls back a bit, aggressively wiping his eyes because they sting – he is not crying, thank you very much. “And you tell me I’m gonna hurt my non-existent brain by thinking too hard? What the hell does that make you, huh?”

“I didn’t mean to... I’m sorry.” He spots Suga over Iwaizumi’s shoulder. “Hi, Suga-san.”

“Hey,” Suga replies with a smile, and Iwaizumi takes another step back to recollect himself while Oikawa picks his crutches back up.

“I'm really sorry,” Oikawa repeats, and Iwaizumi knows he means it with the way he's looking at him, eyes wide and pleading. He really wants to be mad, but he can't. So he sighs instead and shakes his head. 

“Let's go upstairs, Shittykawa. I'm starving.”

Oikawa's shoulders relax visibly, and he nods. “Do you want to join, Suga-san? We can make some tea, too.”

But Suga shakes his head. “Thank you, but I probably should get back home. Daichi is waiting for me.”

“Is he now?” Oikawa chuckles, but drops the topic right away and hugs Suga goodbye. “Sorry for troubling you again.”

“It's fine, I'm glad you're okay.” He walks around the car, waving at them. “See you.”

They wait until he's driven off, and then turn to face each other. Oikawa's expression is calm, a collected, serious calmness that is very unusual for him.

“I think we need to talk.”

Iwaizumi lifts his brows in surprise. “Shouldn't that be my line?”

“Maybe. Let's go upstairs.”

Several moments later, they're sitting on Oikawa's balcony, food and tea steaming before them, but neither of them touches it yet.

“You wanna start?” Iwaizumi asks, and Oikawa nods, staring off into the distance.

“Again, I'm really sorry about running off. I guess you already know why I did.”

“Yeah.“ It's nothing new, after all, Oikawa always had a tendency to flee whenever things got too overwhelming.

“It's not really... of course we can talk about that if you want, but I don't think I can say anything you don't know already. I'm sorry. I messed up. I feel like shit for letting you worry like that.”

“I don't need you to apologize, Shittykawa, as long as you realize how stupid it was. I know you can handle yourself, but it has barely even been a week since the court date, and you're still hurt...” He pauses, and sighs. “Just don't do it again, okay? If you need to run, run to me.”

“Okay.” Oikawa turns, looking him straight in the eye now. “But I need you to make that promise too.”

Iwaizumi's brows draw together in confusion. “What?”

Oikawa sighs and leans back. “I had some time to think now, and I'm surprised I didn't realize sooner. It was so obvious but I was so caught up in everything...”

“What the hell are you talking about, Shittykawa?“ Iwaizumi snarls. He is not in the mood for riddles, there's simply no energy left in him for that.

“You didn't get on the bus,” Oikawa states, and a chill goes down Iwaizumi's spine as he realizes where this conversation is going. “You were there in time. You could have gotten on, but you didn't. And at first I was confused, but then I thought about it, and now it makes sense. You can’t ride the bus anymore, can you?”

Iwaizumi frowns at the tea cups in front of them, pointedly not looking at Oikawa. He didn't think it was this obvious, wanted to keep it under covers so Oikawa wouldn't have to worry about it, but now...

“And that's not all there is, is it?” Oikawa continues, voice soft. “You get nightmares, too. You study until late in the night because you don't want to go to sleep. You can't get on buses because your body freezes, and even in the car you're wary. You flinch every time a truck passes too close or too loudly.”

“What are you saying?” he asks quietly, though he knows exactly what Oikawa means. He's known for quite some time now.

“Iwa-chan, you're traumatized. You've been in so much pain all this time, and you can't keep going like this. You need help.”

“It's not that bad.”

Oikawa chuckles and then Iwaizumi feels his hand on his own, squeezing. “Now, don't be a hypocrite. We can only have one self-destructive idiot in this friendship, otherwise we're doomed.” Then his voice turns more serious again. “Please, we will get you through this. Last time, I ran when you needed me, but I won't do that again, okay? I'm here now.”

Iwaizumi gulps, slightly squeezing Oikawa's hand. It's supposed to be the other way around, he should be the one comforting his best friend, he should be the pillar of the two, and yet... and yet...

“You're right.” He lifts his head a little, finally looking Oikawa in the eye. “I'm not okay. I haven't been ever since the accident.”

Oikawa makes a noise in the back of his throat and inches closer with his chair, draping an arm over Iwaizumi's shoulder and pulling him in. Iwaizumi lets him, his head settling into the crook of Oikawa's neck where it fits comfortably.

“You should have told me,” Oikawa murmurs and starts massaging Iwaizumi's shoulder lightly. “It took me so long to realize, you shouldn't have been alone with this for so long.”

“Your plate was kind of full at the time,” Iwaizumi replies, but Oikawa just scoffs at that. 

“That doesn't matter. Not if it's you. I'd be there for you even if I was dying, Iwa-chan.”

At that, Iwaizumi chuckles. “Don't go all melodramatic now.”

“I'm serious!”

“Yeah, well, nobody's dying.”

Oikawa’s chest vibrates as he laughs, and Iwaizumi leans in closer. Being this close isn’t strange to them, they’ve known each other for far too long for this to be awkward and the occasional comforting touches have become as normal as sharing a bed to them.  He knows it’s just how things are between them, and yet... he finds himself wondering sometimes.

“Even with neither of us in mortal danger, we need to talk about what to do.”

Iwaizumi turns his head a bit so he can look up a bit at Oikawa, unwilling to leave his current position just yet. “To do with what?” Of course he knows, but he just feels like stalling.

“This... us... we’re both pretty fucked, don’t you think?”

Yeah, Iwaizumi thinks, he’s totally fucked. Because even looking up from this angle, Oikawa is still so stupidly attractive and he doesn’t know how to handle that. Oikawa has always been fucking beautiful, but Iwaizumi can’t remember when that started being a problem. He blames it on the exhaustion and the lack of sleep. He’s clearly just not thinking straight.

“Iwa-chan?” 

Only then does he notice that he has been staring at Oikawa without responding to his question. 

“Uh, sorry. I’m just tired.”

Worry crosses Oikawa’s gaze, and the hand that has been massaging Iwaizumi’s shoulder settles there, squeezing slightly. “Do you want to take a nap?”

“Hm.” It’s afternoon, he should probably be calling Makki and Mattsun and explain to them why they have been missing the entire day, he should talk to Oikawa about all that happened today, and about his nightmares and how he can’t ride the bus anymore... but then he decides it might just as well wait until later. For now, they’re both okay.

Oikawa stands up and nudges Iwaizumi to follow him. He complies, though his body doesn’t want to leave this position cuddled up against Oikawa. They go to the bedroom, and Oikawa just takes a second to type something on his phone - knowing him, he probably is texting Iwaizumi's parents to let them know where they are in case the school calls. When he looks up from the phone, he raises a brow though. 

“Iwa-chan, did you make my bed?”

Iwaizumi scoffs and drops down onto the mattress. “I was in here when we were looking for you, and you never make your goddamn bed and it pisses me off.”

Chuckling, Oikawa closes the blinds and then walks over to the bed, lifting the blanket so Iwaizumi can crawl underneath before joining him. “Your natural reaction to worrying about me is... tidying up?”

“Shut the hell up, Shittykawa,” Iwaizumi murmurs and places his head on Oikawa’s chest. Not because it’s comforting to hear his heartbeat and feel his warmth, he tells himself, but just because Oikawa is so fucking tall and there’s no other comfortable position otherwise.

Oikawa’s chuckle vibrates in his chest and he slings an arm around Iwaizumi, pulling him closer. “Wake me up if something’s the matter.”

“Likewise,” Iwaizumi murmurs and he can already feel the exhaustion pulling at his consciousness. Normally, falling asleep has proven to be quite a hassle the last few weeks, but somehow it’s always easier with Oikawa by his side. He feels much more at ease, less panicked about the nightmares that threaten to plague him, because even though Oikawa can’t make them disappear, Iwaizumi knows he’ll be there when he wakes up and that eases his mind a whole damn lot.

Sleep comes way too easy with his best friend by his side.

His dreams are unsettling and his sleep is a bit restless, but he’s had worse than this – much worse, so he’s content when he wakes up. His body feels better now, his limbs aren’t as heavy and he can actually keep his eyes open without his eyelids drooping every other second.

He tries to shift his position a bit, but finds that he can’t really move. Oikawa is draped all over him, their limbs entangled, their arms around each other, and despite the slowly numbing feeling in his left arm, Iwaizumi smiles as he watches his best friend snore softly.

He looks so peaceful when he’s sleeping and Iwaizumi is thankful for each of these moments, because he knows that restful sleep isn’t a given for either of them. He lets him rest for as long as his hand can endure, but when it starts to really go numb, he nudges Oikawa to the side. The latter groans and buries his face in the crook of Iwaizumi’s neck, murmuring something unintelligible. Iwaizumi nudges him again, glancing at the clock. 

“Come on, Trashykawa, we slept for almost two hours.”

“’smore won’t make a difference ‘n,” comes the answer, but Iwaizumi is having none of it.

“Get your ass off this bed before I push you.”

“Rude,” Oikawa whines, but rolls over. He yawns and stretches out his arms, rubbing at his eyes to chase away the sleep. “You were the one that wanted to take a nap, you can’t just change your mind like that.”

“We did take a nap, and it’s over now.” Iwaizumi swings his leg off the bed. “I’ll go make some tea, but if you’re not up when I’m done, I’ll dump some cold water on you.”

Oikawa just makes a disgruntled noise, but Iwaizumi takes that as a sign of understanding and leaves the room. Yawning – yes, maybe he still is a little tired too, he hasn't exactly been getting a lot of sleep in general lately, all thanks to the massive amount of studying he has done – he pads over to the kitchen.

While the water kettle is heating up, Iwaizumi pulls out his phone and checks his messages. As expected, Makki and Mattsun launched a spam attack, and Makki is even still sending messages.

“It’s been hours, you idiot,” Iwaizumi murmurs, but doesn’t hesitate to dial Makki’s number. It takes one ring for him to pick up.

“Holy shit dude, you’re alive!”

Iwaizumi snorts. “Why the hell wouldn’t I be? Don’t think I’m going to read all those messages you sent me, one would have been enough you idiot!”

“What the hell do you expect when you literally run off and skip school – I repeat, you, skip school? Like sure, I wouldn’t put it past Oikawa to just march the fuck out, but when you were gone too, we realized that something must be up, and then the whole fucking school was suddenly talking about the court procedure, like what the fuck man?!”

“Listen,” Iwaizumi says and starts pouring the water over the tea leaves, jamming his phone between his shoulder and head so his hands are free. “We’ll explain everything in detail, but for now just the short version: Word got out, Oikawa freaked and ran, I went looking for him and now we’re at his place.”

Makki sighs. “Shit. But I guess I kind of saw that coming.” There’s a short pause. “Is he okay?”

Iwaizumi glances over his shoulder in direction of the bedroom, but Oikawa still hasn’t come out. “Yeah. He will be.”

They haven’t talked about it enough yet for Iwaizumi to fully confirm that Oikawa is really okay. He’s probably still shaken up and there’ll be a lot of feelings to work through, but the fact alone that Oikawa came back all by himself without persuasion or reassurance gives Iwaizumi hope.  And of course he also knows that his best friend is strong.  Life has thrown loads of shit on him, and he always came out fine, even if a little scarred sometimes.

“Listen, why don’t you and Mattsun come over this evening?” It’s probably good for Oikawa to realize that his friends will always have his back, and knowing Makki and Mattsun, it will definitely ease their minds to see and talk to Oikawa in person.

“Are you inviting people over to your boyfriend’s apartment now?”

“Tch, you know he won’t min...” The realization hits him way too late. “Stop it, Makki!”

But the other is already dying of laughter at the other end of the line. “Dude!” he wheezes, “y-you didn’t even object!”

“Hanging up now!”

“Nooo wait...”

“Bye.” 

Iwaizumi rolls his eyes as he puts his phone away, but he can’t shake the fluttering feeling in his chest. Damn Makki and his stupid jokes! This isn’t the time for that, or better said, it is never fucking time for that!

“Damn Iwa-chan, I’ve never seen someone pour tea so aggressively.”

Iwaizumi almost jumps at the voice and catches himself last second from whirling around and somehow manages to turn at a normal speed. He didn’t even hear Oikawa leave the bedroom, the blood is gushing far too loudly in his ears.

The other boy is now entering the kitchen, hair still ruffled from the nap and shirt hanging loosely off one shoulder, and he grabs one of the cups as he passes Iwaizumi before sitting down on one of the kitchen chairs. “What did Makki do to piss you off?”

“Spammed my phone with a thousand messages,” Iwaizumi replies and turns away from Oikawa to grab his own cup – not to hide his blush, he’s not blushing goddammit! “They’re coming over later for dinner, I hope that’s alright.”

He groans as his phone vibrates, and sure enough, it’s Makki again.

we'll be there at 8. have fun with ur BOYFRIEND

He quickly swipes the message away. That goddamn idiot. “They’ll be here at eight.”

“Cool,” Oikawa replies and takes a sip from his tea, eyes closing for a moment as he welcomes the warmth of it in satisfaction. Iwaizumi catches himself staring, and quickly drops his gaze to his own tea. If only that fucking tingling in his chest would stop.

“Are you gonna cook?” Oikawa asks, and he already has that look on his face, the one that he knows damn well Iwaizumi can’t say no to.

So he just mumbles a “Sure” and continues to sip his tea as a wide grin spreads over Oikawa’s face in victory. That bastard. 

“Thank you, Iwa-chan.”

“Whatever.” He sets his tea down and can finally bring himself to look Oikawa in the eye. “So, where were you earlier, anyways?”

Oikawa sets his cup down, too, but keeps his hands wrapped around it. “I was at the playground.”

“Huh?”

“You know, the one where we used to play when we just met... not that I really remember, but your mom sometimes talks about it.”

Iwaizumi can’t say he fully remembers either – Oikawa and he met when they were about two years old, but he heard the stories his mother told too, so he vaguely knows about the playground.

“Why there?”

Oikawa shrugs. “It’s stupid, but sometimes I feel like that’s the only place without bad memories. Even if I can’t remember, I know I went there as a kid, which means my mother probably took me there... things were still normal, you know?”

Iwaizumi’s chest contracts painfully. “Oikawa...”

“I know, I know. It’s no use to think about that kind of stuff, it's stupid.”

“It’s not stupid.” Why the hell wouldn’t it make sense for Oikawa to search out a place that he knows is safe, a place untainted by all the painful memories that are splattered across the whole town? 
Not even Iwaizumi’s house is an exception to that, because even though Oikawa has always been safe there, it still holds memories – memories of him showing up on the doorstep bleeding and crying; memories of his father hammering on the door and Iwaizumi’s mother blocking the doorway while Iwaizumi was in his room, holding a shaking Oikawa tight in his arms.

“Being there is just peaceful sometimes,” Oikawa adds. “But... I promised I wouldn’t run if you needed me, and it just kept bugging me that you wouldn’t get on that bus, so I got my shit together and called you back.”

“At least you’re not entirely hopeless,” Iwaizumi murmurs, but they both know he doesn’t mean it. “But I get it. It’s okay if you need room to breathe sometimes.”

“Still, I didn’t mean to make you worry so much.”

“I know.” He sighs and goes back to drinking his tea. “We’re both a bit messed up right now, alright? So we should probably think about getting help.”

“Iwa-chan...”

“No, hear me out. We’ve been relying on each other for all these things, and I’m glad I can trust you like that, but... there’s things we can’t help each other with. I’ll never be able to stop your nightmares.”

Oikawa frowns at his cup. “It’s better with you around, though.”

“I can support you with them,” Iwaizumi answers, “and I won’t stop doing that, anyways. But I still think it’s important that you get real help – from someone who can actually work with you towards getting better.”

He can see that Oikawa is uncomfortable. Opening up to someone you trust is one thing, opening up to a total stranger – that's a whole different story. Especially for a guy who likes to pretend that everything’s sugar and spice twenty-four seven. But Iwaizumi can’t be more than a pillar; he can’t chase the nightmares away. He doesn’t know if therapy can either, but they’ll be able to help more than he can, and he really wants Oikawa to get better. And himself, of course.

“How... how are we going to do that?” Oikawa asks, and it’s one of those few times that he stutters a little. He never does it in public, only when they’re alone and he has let his guard down fully, only when he’s vulnerable.

Iwaizumi does his best to stay absolutely calm. “We can ask my parents for help. I know my mom was in therapy a few years back, she still goes sometimes.”

Oikawa nods. He was there when the news of the miscarriage hit the Iwaizumi household, and he was there with them through the gloomy time that followed.

Iwaizumi continues. “She won’t judge, you know that.”

“Yeah, yeah I do. It’s just... still kinda hard, but let’s do it.”

Iwaizumi knows they still have a rocky road ahead of them, but this is a very good start, so he decides to leave it at that. Getting Oikawa to agree to this is a huge step, and he knows it’s also a testimony of the trust the other has in him.

“So, what do you want to eat?”

Instantly, Oikawa’s face lights up and he sticks out his lip a bit so it almost looks like he’s pouting, and when his eyes meet Iwaizumi’s and widen slightly, the latter knows exactly what he wants.

“Seriously? Why don’t you ever want to eat something else?

“Because your gyuudon is the best Iwa-chan! And it’s good comfort food, so it’s only fitting for today.”

“Do you even have the ingredients for that? Because the shops close soon, so if we need-”

“I got everything!”

Iwaizumi sighs. “Why am I not even surprised?”

Since Iwaizumi’s parents work a lot, he learned to cook for himself pretty early and with practice came skill, so today he is a considerably good cook. Oikawa, on the other hand, could probably burn water without even trying.

When Oikawa started living alone, Iwaizumi always made sure he got decent meals and taught him a few basics so he would at least be able to make himself some breakfast or simpler dishes, but whenever he felt Oikawa wasn’t getting enough healthy food, he either took it upon himself to make some or he dragged Oikawa to his own house to join family dinner.

“Alright, then let’s get to cooking before the other two arrive.”

Four people in this tiny kitchen plus Oikawa’s skill to set food on fire by just as much as looking at it is just not a good combination, especially considering how chaotic they all are.

“Did I hear that right, you’re not kicking me out?”

Iwaizumi sighs. Normally Oikawa is banned from the kitchen as long as Iwaizumi cooks, but it seems he has to make an exception for once.

“I only got one functional arm, so I have to leave all the cutting to you today. But I swear to god, if you cut off your finger or something, I’m just gonna leave you for dead, because my mom will not survive another hospital call.”

Oikawa grins widely and Iwaizumi immediately regrets asking, but there’s no other way to get the onions chopped so he just sighs again and starts setting out a cutting board and a knife – not without warning Oikawa for at least another three times to watch his fingers.

They get through cooking with almost no incidents.

Iwaizumi makes sure Oikawa stays the hell away from anything on the stove and only lets him do what he himself really can’t due to his arm. After everything is almost done and Oikawa tries to get a taste and almost burns his finger in the process, Iwaizumi shoos him out of the kitchen and finishes the rest himself.

They’ve managed a pretty good timing, because just as Iwaizumi is setting the table, the doorbell rings.

“Check the intercom,” Iwaizumi shouts as he hears Oikawa scuffle towards the door, even though he probably knows better now than to just open up, but Iwaizumi just wants to be sure. He can hear Oikawa speaking through the intercom and laughing, and shortly after the buzzer sounds, so surely enough, Makki and Mattsun have arrived. It takes them a bit to get upstairs and when they come through the apartment door, Makki is cursing something about elevators.

Iwaizumi just finished setting the table, so he leaves the kitchen to greet them and is met by the sight of Mattsun holding Oikawa in a headlock while Makki is messing up his hair. Iwaizumi sighs while Oikawa makes a sound somewhere between a laugh and a squeal and tries to break free. His friends really are all idiots.

“You’ve been here two seconds and I’m already considering uninviting you. And take Oikawa with you while you’re at it.”

The two of them only laugh, but let go of Oikawa who starts pouting and tries to rearrange his messed-up hair.

“Rude! All of you!”

“Well,” Makki say, “that’s what you get for making us worry.”

Something in Oikawa’s expression shifts, and he drops his hands from his hair. “Sorry.”

It’s a touchy subject for Oikawa right now, Iwaizumi knows as much, but Makki and Mattsun aren’t entirely familiar with Oikawa’s self-doubt and how he constantly thinks of himself as a burden for others – they know the rough outline, more than most people, anyways, but even they aren’t in on some things.

However, Mattsun unknowingly manages to save the situation and prevents Oikawa from going down an ugly road in his head by just shrugging it off. “Don’t worry about it, man. We’re just glad you’re okay. More than okay, judging from this smell, you really made Iwaizumi into a proper housewife now, didn’t you?”

Oikawa snorts a laugh and Iwaizumi glares at all of them with a death stare. The blue apron he’s wearing isn’t really helping his case, he knows that, but Makki’s eyes are glinting in a funny way and he knows exactly what the asshole is up to and he is just not in the mood for it.

Are you inviting people over to your boyfriend’s apartment now?

Ugh. He should have known Makki would get him back for hanging up on him like that.

“Let’s just eat already, dammit.” 

He turns around and walks into the kitchen, but he can still hear Makki whispering, “You totally got him whipped, dude.”

Iwaizumi opens his mouth to retort, but he can feel the blush rising in his cheeks so he’d rather not turn around and face them, so instead he pretends not to have heard and marches over to the table, untying his apron and throwing it over one of the back of a chair in the process.

“Already stripping, Iwaizumi? At least wait until you two are alone again.”

It’s Mattsun this time, and Iwaizumi wants to murder him right on the spot for joining Makki’s stupid idea of fun like that. Even though Mattsun can act more mature from time to time, they’re both childish assholes, and if they keep this teasing up, Iwaizumi really doesn't know if he'll survive dinner.

"Let's toast 'cause things got better
And everything could change like that
And all these years go by so fast
But nothing lasts forever
Here's to us, here's to love
All the times, that we messed up"

(Here’s To Us - Halestorm)

Chapter Text

“I'm searching far and wide to find a planet to orbit
Far and wide, I wanna scan and explore it
Far and wide, you're my new planet to orbit
So fire up the rockets”

(The Sights - Enter Shikari)

Dinner is hell.

Everything, literally everything that comes out of Makki's mouth is highly suggestive, starting with "Oh god this food is delicious! Oikawa, you really gotta keep him", and even though Mattsun doesn't join in completely, he still throws in some innuendos here and there ("You know what they say about a guy that can cook, Oikawa").

Iwaizumi is positive now he has to get out of this, or else he just might commit first-degree murder. As soon as they are done, he collects all their bowls and slams them down into the sink, aggressively beginning to scrub.

"Do you want help with that, Iwaizumi?" Mattsun asks.

"No," Iwaizumi growls a little too quickly, and he can hear Makki and Mattsun snicker. It takes all his self-control not to chug the dishbrush at them.

The three of them begin to chatter again, and Iwaizumi focuses on the dirty dishes in front of him, trying to regain his composure. Do they know how much they're driving him insane, or is this simply their idea of fun?

Eventually he calms down enough to join them at the table again, but when Makki smirks at him, he sends him a death glare regardless. Oikawa doesn't seem to notice, though at this point he must have caught on to Makki's and Mattsun's little game. Even he isn't oblivious enough to miss it.

"So, I'm going back to school tomorrow," Oikawa says, startling Iwaizumi out of his thought process.

"Um... are you sure?" The rumors just started, there is no way they will die down in just one day.

"No, not really," Oikawa says with a nervous chuckle. "But it's the same situation as before. It'll only get worse the longer I wait. But I kinda need you guys to do something for me."

"Anything you need, bro," Makki says, apparently giving up on his stupid little scheme for the moment.

Oikawa's gaze is fixed on the table, though he glances up a few times to look at Iwaizumi. "I know it's kind of a dickmove, because obviously these people mean no harm, and like... I appreciate that they care, but I just can't handle them asking questions at the moment. You may have noticed, but I'm not in my best state lately."

Mattsun snorts. "Which is kind of natural, considering what you've been put through the last few weeks."

"Yeah... I just, maybe if I'm better again I'll be able to face these people, but I can't right now, and I can't stop going to school either because I've missed too much already, so I just wanted to ask you to maybe... I don't know, like..."

He seems to have trouble saying it, but Iwaizumi doesn't need him to. He understands what Oikawa is asking right away.

"It's okay. We'll keep them off your back."

Oikawa sends him a grateful look, and Makki and Mattsun catch on right away.

"No problem dude, you can count on us!"

"We'll fight anyone that tries anything."

Oikawa laughs and his voice is still a bit choked up, but the shimmering in his eyes is fading slowly. "Please don't fight anyone. They don't mean any harm, and also I don't think you really stand a chance on your crutches, Makki."

"Tch," Makki replies. "I'll have you know that these things make wonderful weapons. And maybe some of them don't mean no harm, but I will not tolerate nosy bastards who just wanna satisfy their curiosity."

Iwaizumi agrees with that, but the idea of Oikawa going back to school right away doesn't sit well with him. He gets it, of course, but still... Oikawa is too stubborn for his own good sometimes, too driven to prove himself, and Iwaizumi has a suspicion that this is the main reason behind this.

Makki jumps up from his chair just to drop on his knees right in front of Oikawa, which looks stupid because his leg is still in that brace and he has to stretch it out to the front instead of bending it, but his shit-eating grin clearly shows that he doesn't care in the least bit.

"Will you accept me as your knight?"

Oikawa starts laughing and lifts one of his crutches to give Makki the knightly accolade with them. "You are hereby in my service. Rise, Sir Hanamaki."

"I pledge to always do my best, Lord Oikawa," Makki snickers and tries to get up, but the position his broken leg is in doesn't let him. "Oh gods, I think I'm failing already."

Iwaizumi rolls his eyes and gets up, offering his hand to pull Makki up. "You might be even stupider that Don Quixote."

"Ah," Makki grins, taking the hand. "Now don't be jealous, Iwaizumi, you'll get plenty of chances to drop to your knees in front of Oikawa, too."

Okay, that's it. Iwaizumi let's go of Makki's hand abruptly and the other drops back to the floor with a yelp, landing on his back. "Iwa-san! That's so rude!"

"Tough luck," Iwaizumi growls and stalks over to the stove to put on the tea kettle, trying to keep busy before he explodes. He can hear Mattsun helping Makki up behind them, and they're snickering again. Maybe he should just poison their tea. Yeah, that seems like a reasonable plan.

"You made him all flustered, Makki," Mattsun says and Iwaizumi can basically feel their stares at the back of his head, but he doesn't turn around. Just keep breathing, he tells himself.

Then Oikawa chips in and Iwaizumi's heart drops right to his stomach. "You guys are really relentless today, what's that all about?"

"Oh, nothing," Makki says with the most suggestive voice ever and the tea leaves in Iwaizumi's hands crumble as he accidentally balls his hand into a fist. "Isn't that right, Iwa-san?"

"I don't even know why I'm friends with you shitheads," Iwaizumi growls and throws the pulverized leaves into the kettle. This has to do.

"Oh, because you love us," Mattsun drawls. "Though not as much as-"

"What the hell did we miss in school today, anyways?" Iwaizumi interrupts. It's the least subtle change of topic he has ever initiated, but his heart is pounding loudly in his ears now and he can't think straight anymore. What are those idiots thinking? It's not like they know anything!

Thankfully though, they go with the change of conversation. "Not much, really," Mattsun says. "I copied my notes, remind me to leave them here later."

"You did miss a glorious fight between Eijirou and Ino-sensei. Seriously, that dude really knows how to get on every teacher's nerves, it's so hilarious."

While Makki rambles on about whatever stupid prank Eijirou pulled, Iwaizumi's heartrate calms down again and he starts pouring the tea. When he places a cup in front of Oikawa though, he can see that the other is only half paying attention to Makki and mustering Iwaizumi with a curious gaze. 

This is bad. This is very, very bad. He's going to fucking murder his friends.

He pretends not to notice Oikawa's stare and puts the rest of the cups of the table before sitting down and focusing his gaze at Makki, though his brain barely processes what the other is saying. At least they're talking about something else now.

They drink their tea, and thankfully the teasings die down a lot. Maybe Makki and Mattsun noticed how close they were to shoveling their own graves, or they just decided to finally have mercy, but either way, Iwaizumi is grateful for it.

It's a school night, and it's getting late, but none of them feel like calling it a day yet, so they agree on watching a movie together before Makki and Mattsun head home.

Soon they find themselves squished together on Oikawa's small sofa. Iwaizumi isn't really paying attention to whatever rom-com is flickering on the screen, he's too busy relishing in the nostalgic feeling of the four of them just sitting here, throwing popcorn at each other, making fun of the movie characters and jabbing each other in the sides occasionally to fight for more space on the couch. He also catches himself glancing at Oikawa ever so often, and he tells himself it's just because it's nice to see him laugh so carelessly after all the bullshit they've been through.

One time though, Makki notices and Iwaizumi is already preparing to launch himself over the couch to stop him from making some stupid comment, but Makki just smiles and winks before turning back to the screen. Gods, Iwaizumi hates him so much.

When the movie ends, Oikawa is soundly asleep against Mattsun's right shoulder with his legs sprawled over Iwaizumi's lap while Makki is snoring on Mattsun's left. Iwaizumi turns off the TV and turns around to ask Mattsun if he needs help detangling from the two idiots, but when he faces him, he sees that Mattsun's head has fallen back and he's also sleeping already. A smile spreads over Iwaizumi's face and he takes out his phone to take a picture of the scene in front of him. When the idiots aren't talking, they somehow actually manage to be adorable.

As much as he wishes he could just let them sleep, a look towards the clock tells him it's way too late already, and the two idiots still have to get home, even if it isn't far.Therefore, he not-too-gently kicks Makki's uninjured shin, causing him to jolt awake. Payback's a bitch. 

"Hello sunshines, time to go to bed."

Makki groans and rubs at his eyes, accidently elbowing Mattsun in the face by accident who jerks upright and wakes Oikawa in the process. Iwaizumi can't help but laugh at that, they're just so ridiculous in their half-asleep state.

"Shut up," Makki grumbles and combs his fingers through his short hair. "What time is it?"

Iwaizumi just points at the clock, and Makki groans. "Ugh, I don't even wanna think about getting up tomorrow."

Oikawa sits up groggily and Mattsun yawns, stretching out his arms. "I think we'll be on our way then."

They all get up and Makki and Mattsun gather their stuff; Mattsun even remembers to leave the notes he brought them. Then they're all at the door, saying their goodbyes.

"We'll pick you up tomorrow again," Mattsun says as he walks out the door. "Don't be late."

Makki follows, yawning, and waves goodbye. "Good night, children. Behave yourselves."

And with that they're gone.

Iwaizumi can feel the tiredness wearing him down, too, as he closes the door. Oikawa looks about ready to topple over.

"You go to the bathroom first," Iwaizumi says, and Oikawa just nods and limps off to brush his teeth.

In the meanwhile, Iwaizumi starts cleaning the couch from the mess they've made, popcorn is scattered all around and the pillows are all over the place as well. As he puts one of the pillows back where it belongs, he can feel something crackle under his hand. He lifts the pillow, and when he sees what's underneath his vision turns red.

It's a fucking condom package. And that's not all, it has a note attached to it which reads "Good night, children. Behave yourselves."

He lets out a growl, but then he hears the bathroom door open and in his panic, he kicks the package under the sofa before Oikawa can see.

"What's up?" the other says as he scuffles out of the bathroom. "Did Makki spill his water?"

"Nah," Iwaizumi replies and puts the rest of the pillows back, hoping his blush is fading. "It was just a fucking mess; you know I hate leaving stuff like that overnight."

Oikawa yawns. "Looks good enough now. C'mon, get ready for bed."

Iwaizumi gives the couch a critical look, but decides Oikawa is right and heads to the bathroom himself. It's already late, and tomorrow will be exhausting as hell, so they'll need all the sleep they can manage to cram in now. He brushes his teeth and puts on his pajama pants, like always not bothering with a shirt.

When he enters the bedroom, Oikawa is already under the covers, so he slips in beside him and turns off the light.

"Wake me up if something's the matter, alright?"

"Mhm," Oikawa replies groggily, evidently half-asleep already.

Iwaizumi smiles to himself. "Good night."

"G'night."

It takes only about a minute before Oikawa's breathing turns even and the soft little snores start up. Iwaizumi listens for a while, the sound as calming as ever, and eventually the exhaustion catches up to him. It isn't long before sleep claims him, too.

It isn't a rarity anymore, but still Iwaizumi will never get used to the feeling of being woken by Oikawa's cries. It always takes him a few moments to realize where he is and what's happening, but then his instincts kick in and he's wide awake within seconds.

Oikawa is crying in his sleep, thrashing around and fighting against something that isn't there anymore, flinching back from fists that haven't touched him in years.

Iwaizumi throws the covers off of them, catching Oikawa's left arm with his good hand and then he swings himself over his torso to pin down the other arm with his knee. He's perfected this move by now, even with his injured shoulder.

"Oikawa!" he starts, gentler at first and then louder when Oikawa doesn't wake up. "Oikawa!"

This time, he's early enough to pull his best friend from his nightmare by just shouting. Oikawa's eyes blow open, and he stares up at Iwaizumi with tears streaming down his cheeks, eyes still unfocused, but aware of his surroundings at least. The tension leaves his body and Iwaizumi lets go and slides off him to pull him up into a hug. "You're okay, Tooru. It's all good."

Oikawa cries into Iwaizumi's shoulder, and even though it wasn't as hard to wake him this time, it takes longer to calm him down than usually.  It makes Iwaizumi wonder what the nightmare was about, exactly, but he doesn't ask. He never does. Whenever Oikawa wants to talk about it, he does so on his own without Iwaizumi initiating the conversation. He doesn't want to pressure anything.

When Oikawa's sobs finally die down, he doesn't pull away, on the contrary, he only leans in further and Iwaizumi can feel that he's shaking so he holds him a little tighter.

After a while, he speaks up, his voice still croaky and unsteady. "Can we sit outside for a bit?"

They do this occasionally, just sitting outside on the balcony until Oikawa feels well enough to go back to sleep, and it usually means the nightmares were really bad.

"Of course. Come on."

They stand up, Oikawa still clinging to Iwaizumi's and the latter bends down a bit to pick up the blanket he threw off the bed earlier, wrapping it around their shoulders before they make their way outside. It's four in the morning and still dark. The city lights are glittering beneath them and the moon peeks out from behind some clouds.

They sit down, and Iwaizumi pulls Oikawa in close, holds him tight as they just sit in silence and watch the city beneath them.

After a while, Oikawa quietly says, "This always calms me down, you know? Sometimes, when my mind goes into those dark places, I feel afraid all the time, of everything. Like the whole world just has it out for me, like every atom in this universe exists to attack me. But..." he points down at the city, "...whenever I look at this, it reminds me that there are so many people here, and they're all living their own life. The people in those cars are going somewhere, the people in those lit up rooms are doing whatever they're doing, and all those random people are right there and they don't care about me because they don't even know I exist. It's really soothing." He frowns. "Is that weird?"

"No," Iwaizumi replies. Oikawa obviously is in the mood to talk, so he complies. "It actually makes perfect sense.”

There's so much pressure on Oikawa all the time, and when his problems are pressing down on him, there's so many people staring and adding to that, even if they don't mean to. His popularity is not a bad thing per se, but Iwaizumi knows it can be exhausting. It makes sense that something like this would calm Oikawa down, that it reminds him not everyone has expectations for him.

"I knew you'd understand," Oikawa mutters, seeming lost in thought. "I shouldn't care so much about what people think, but it's hard not to."

"When most people do stuff, only a handful of people will comment on it. You do it, and everyone at school has something to say about it. I agree you shouldn't care so much, but I also understand it's a lot harder for you, because there's lots more opinions you have to deal with in the first place. And it's not always a bad thing to care, okay? It only gets bad when you start doubting yourself because of it."

Oikawa sighs and reaches up to comb through his hair with his fingers as if to get rid of his bedhead - a quite impossible task without a brush and hair gel. "I try not to. It just doesn't work all the time."

"It doesn't have to, as long as you keep trying," Iwaizumi answers. "You don't need to be perfect."

A low chuckle is the answer and Oikawa meets Iwaizumi's eyes. "You always tell me that, but somehow you're the only one who I can really believe about it. And even that is hard sometimes. When we had that fight, I was so sure I would lose you."

"But you didn't."

"True," Oikawa says. "But I still don't get it sometimes. I know you hate it when I shut you out, but... Iwa-chan, my head is such a mess that even I can't bear to put up with it sometimes. I just don't get how you could be okay with handling that."

"You are not your problems," Iwaizumi replies with a firm voice. "You're a good person and an amazing friend, and your problems don't change that. They're just a thing we have to face, and I'll gladly do so, because I'm not afraid of it, nor will it ever be too much to handle, you hear me?"

Oikawa sniffles, and Iwaizumi sees there are new tears on his cheeks. "You are so much more than I deserve, Iwa-chan."

"Don't say that," he growls. "You deserve the entire world, dumbass."

Oikawa makes a sound that sounds like a mixture of laughing and choking. "Can you convince my brain of that?"

"I'll beat it through your thick skull until you can't help but believe it," Iwaizumi replies, but his voice is way too soft to sound threatening, and it makes Oikawa laugh again. His heart beats a little faster at that.

"Do you want to know what that nightmare was about?"

Iwaizumi is a bit taken aback by the sudden change of topic, and the fact that Oikawa seems so calm while speaking of the nightmare, but he recovers quickly. "Sure."

"It was about my father," Oikawa says and looks down onto the city again. His expression is thoughtful, not anxious or stressed out like usually when talking about this. "I don't know if I ever told you, but I think he knew I wasn't completely straight. He hated it, but didn't make a big deal of it, because addressing it would mean acknowledging it, and he just liked to pretend it wasn't real."

"How did he know?"

"He must have guessed. But as I said, he almost never spoke of it. You know what the only occasions were when he did?"

Iwaizumi shakes his head.

"It was when I called you 'Iwa-chan'. He actually forbid me to do so."

"You never told me that." 'Iwa-chan' always has been the nickname Oikawa calls him, and Iwaizumi can't remember a time when he ever didn't or when he seemed uncomfortable when saying it.

"Yeah," Oikawa says and turns to face Iwaizumi again. "I knew you'd stop me from saying it, because you would've wanted to keep me out of trouble. But I didn't want to call you anything else, so I didn't tell you."

"You dumbass, it's just a nickname!" Why would Oikawa risk getting hurt over something as simple as this?

"No, it isn't," Oikawa replies. "It's my nickname for you, nobody else calls you by it. I didn't want him to take this away from me." He drops his gaze, and he seems almost nervous now. "You know, that was one of the few times where I didn't want to hide who I was. I didn't want to bow out and deny everything when he called me a fag, I didn't want to pretend it wasn't true. And I didn't want to drop that nickname. There's lots of parts about myself that I can deny, Iwa-chan, but my bond with you isn't one of them."

Iwaizumi's heart is beating twice as fast by now, and he can't help but notice how close they are. There's so much he wants to say right now, but he cant, he can't, because he knows that what Oikawa means with those words is not what Iwaizumi wants. He can't destroy this moment.

Before he can think of anything to say though, Oikawa speaks up again. "Makki and Mattsun were really pushing it today, weren't they?"

Oh gods, Iwaizumi really doesn't like in what direction this conversation is headed.

"I- I guess, yeah." Shit. He can't even get a goddamn sentence out without stuttering. Even Oikawa isn't so oblivious as not to notice that something is definitely up.

He still continues, and Iwaizumi can feel that he's looking at him, but he can't muster up the courage to meet his gaze right now. "I mean, I know they always joke around, but today they only seemed fixed on you. And I know they wouldn't take pity on me just because I had a shit day."

Iwaizumi doesn't know what to reply. Of course Oikawa noticed, Makki and Mattsun were about as subtle as huge neon signs, but Iwaizumi doesn't know how to explain this, how to play it down.  He knows this might shatter their whole friendship, and still he can't do anything but sit there and stare at the ground, there's nothing he can say. Is this how Oikawa felt when he thought he'd be losing Iwaizumi? Because this shit sure as hell is scary, no, it's downright terrifying.

"Iwa-chan." Oikawa's voice is soft, but it almost makes him startle. "What is it?"

"Nothing," Iwaizumi chokes out, and he curses himself a bit for it, because he knows he has to face this eventually.

"I just..." Oikawa trails off. "Just some things Makki said got me thinking."

Oh no.

"Iwa-chan, did he have a point?"

He freezes. What can he say, what should he say? Out of reflex his eyes snap up, finding Oikawa's and scanning his expression as if he could find the right answer there, but it's one of those rare times when he can't see what Oikawa's thinking. Should he just say what he feels? But what if it hurts Oikawa? What if he can't handle it? What if...

Oikawa takes his hand. It's not unusual, they do it all the time, but this time it sends Iwaizumi's heart-rate through the roof.

"Just tell me, Iwa-chan. I can take it if that's not how it is."

"If it's... what?" Now he's just completely confused.

Oikawa seems unsure himself, but he doesn't look away, doesn't let go of his hand. "Do you...?"

He doesn't finish his sentence, just looks at him. They don't break eye contact, just stare at each other, and the more moments pass, the more urgently this one question rises in Iwaizumi's throat. Because when he looks at those eyes now, he thinks that maybe, just maybe...

It's Oikawa who closes the distance between them and kisses him.

Iwaizumi's eyes fly open and he's too shocked to react for a second, and the lack of response makes Oikawa pull back a bit, expression worried. "I-I'm sorry, I..."

"Don't," Iwaizumi says, too loud, too quickly, and he grips Oikawa's shirt, pulling him back towards him. "Don't," he repeats more quietly, and this time it's him who presses their lips together.

Oikawa's lips are a bit rough, testimony of too much time spent worrying them between his teeth, a habit Iwaizumi reprimands him for every time, but right now it doesn't matter, because their mouths are pressed together, and Iwaizumi can feel the roughness instead of just seeing it, and gods, it feels amazing.

His hand is still clasped in Oikawa's shirt, and he reaches up further, burying it in the others hair. He wants to reach out with his left, too, hold Oikawa closer, breathe in every last bit of him, be as near as humanly possible, but the damn sling on his arm prevents him from doing so. So instead, he uses his right to pull Oikawa in, fingers threading through the soft and still slightly damp hair, and they're close, so close, Iwaizumi almost can’t believe it.

When they get a bit carried away, their teeth clash and they finally pull away, chuckling.

"Shit," Iwaizumi breathes. Their faces are still only inches apart and he takes in the gleam in Oikawa's eyes, the flush in his cheeks. "If I had known you felt like that, I would have done this a lot sooner."

Oikawa laughs, hiding his face in Iwaizumi's shoulder. "And there I went worrying because I thought I was way too obvious."

"Well," Iwaizumi replies and presses his lips to Oikawa's neck softly. "Likewise."

"We're so stupid."

"I never doubted that."

Oikawa pulls back a bit so he can look Iwaizumi in the eye again. "I didn't think you'd feel the same way, so I never said anything. With anyone else, I could have handled rejection, but you... you're the most important person in my life. I don't know what I would have done if you didn't feel the same way."

Iwaizumi furrows his brow. "You said earlier you, and I quote, 'could take it'."

Oikawa laughs and rubs the back of his neck. "Yeah well, I lied. I didn't want you to feel pressured."

"Shittykawa, you idiot."

"It worked out, didn't it? Today I just felt a little more confident because all of those comments Makki and Mattsun made, they really made me wonder."

Iwaizumi groans. "Gods, I wanted to murder them."

"Do they know?"

"That I like you like that? They assumed it, I guess. When I called Makki yesterday he made some stupid comment about you being my boyfriend, but it was so subtle that I realized too late and went along with it, and yeah, he didn't let me live that down."

"Am I?"

The question is so sudden that it throws Iwaizumi off. "Are you what?"

Oikawa smiles and cocks his head. "Your boyfriend."

A warm feeling spreads in Iwaizumi's chest, and he reaches out with his uninjured hand to take Oikawa's. "Do you want to be?"

And then Oikawa's lips are pressing against his own again, and the sensation is so new and yet welcome to Iwaizumi that it's almost dizzying. He can smell Oikawa's conditioner, a fresh, flowery scent that still lingers despite how much he sweated during the nightmare, and he wants to get closer and closer to breathe it all in. 

It all feels so perfect, so right, like they have always meant to be together like this.

They pull apart again to catch their breaths, and Iwaizumi grins at Oikawa. "I'll take that as a yes."

"Take that as a hell yes," Oikawa replies and squeezes Iwaizumi's hand slightly. "I think we should actually thank Makki and Mattsun."

"You do that. I'll stick to the murdering," Iwaizumi says, and Oikawa snorts. "What? Do you know how stressed I was the whole evening? If you wouldn't have felt the same way, this could have turned out so badly!"

"Nah," Oikawa says and scoots closer so he can lay his head down on Iwaizumi's shoulder. "I bet they knew about my feelings, otherwise they wouldn't have pushed it so much."

"Still," Iwaizumi grumbles, but he knows Oikawa is probably right. Makki and Mattsun are assholes, but they aren't cruel.

Oikawa yawns, and it takes Iwaizumi back into reality. This is a school day, it's way too early in the morning and they barely got any sleep in.

"Tooru, can you answer me one thing honestly?"

Oikawa looks up at him, surprised to be called by his given name. It's nothing new, they do it sometimes, but exclusively in very serious situations. "What is it?"

"Are you really ready to go back to school tomorrow?"

This seems to surprise Oikawa, which is understandable considering it's a drastic change of topic, but Iwaizumi needs to ask, he can't shake the bad feeling when thinking about Oikawa putting himself through the same ordeal as yesterday right away.

"I... I don't know." Oikawa shrugs half-heartedly. "I really want to, you know? I feel like it's only going to get worse if I wait."

"I get that, but can you maybe consider waiting just one more day?"

"I... why?"

"Yesterday was exhausting, we haven't slept for more than two hours and we would need to get up in one hour already. I just don't think we're in a good state to face this yet."

Oikawa huffs. "But... then we'll go the day after, okay? Even if we can't sleep through the night again. I know you're right, and it's okay for one day, but I can't wait longer than that. I'll go insane."

"Okay," Iwaizumi says and presses a kiss to Oikawa's temple. It feels amazing to be able to do that. "Then let's go to my house later. We'll talk to my parents, my mom can fuzz over you, and then we'll go to bed really fucking early. Even if we wake up every other hour, we'll at least get some time of shut-eye in, okay?"

"Okay," Oikawa hums and nestles his head into the crook of Iwaizumi's neck. "Am I allowed to cuddle you every night now?"

Iwaizumi snorts. "You always do that anyways, idiot."

"Yeah, but now it's boyfriend cuddles."

"Is there any difference?"

"Duh? I'm your boyfriend now, and before I wasn't."

"God you're weird," Iwaizumi mutters, but squeezes his hand. "Come on, let's get to bed again.”

They go back inside, and Iwaizumi texts his mom really quick to let her know they’re coming home tomorrow and also asks her to excuse them from school. Then they climb into bed, and though they’ve been sharing it for as long as they can think, this time it feels different somehow when Oikawa drapes himself all over Iwaizumi. It’s not a bad kind of different though, Iwaizumi thinks, as he presses his lips to Oikawa’s and they both smile into the kiss.

This is the kind of different he can get used to.

“Remember we were staring up to those peaks on the horizon?
You told me if I faced my fears, there was no doubt I could climb them
There's nothing I have wanted more
The only one I've been waiting for
So hold your breath and close your eyes
The night is cold but the sun will rise”

(Waiting For Tomorrow - Marting Garrix feat. Mike Shinoda)

Chapter Text

“This is a strength born in misery
A focus cut of this insanity
I fight my way from the gates of hell
I hold on”

(Karma - Parkway Drive)

When they get home the next day, Iwaizumi’s mother throws the door wide open with a serious expression on her face and Iwaizumi can already tell they’re about to have a long talk.

Sure enough, she points at the living room and says, “Sit down, sweethearts”, and there’s already tea and cookies on the couch table.

Oikawa has a smile on his face, but it’s neither fake nor cheerful, he keeps his eyes downcast and only glances up every few seconds. He’s usually not this obvious about being nervous, but he’s exhausted and this house is one of his safe places, so Iwaizumi takes it as a little success that he allows himself to let down his guard a bit. Or he’s just too tired to keep it up, who knows.

“So,” Iwaizumi’s mom starts when they’re all seated. “Your dad wanted to join this conversation, but he couldn’t miss work today and I wanted to use this opportunity to have you both here, but don’t be surprised if he wants to talk to you, too. I’m going to start with you, Tooru.” Oikawa nods and keeps staring at his tea cup, which makes Iwaizumi’s mother frown. “Oh dear, I’m not going to scold you, so stop looking like some guilty puppy, it makes me all soft.”

Oikawa’s eyes snap up and he rubs the back of his neck, chuckling nervously. “Sorry.”

"I just want to talk about your current state. Both of yours, while we're at it. You haven't been doing well, and that's okay, but you're crazy if you thought I wouldn't notice."

Iwaizumi clears his throat. "Actually, we wanted to talk to you about that, too."

His mother's eye widen a bit in surprise. "Really now?"

Iwaizumi nods. "We talked about it yesterday night, and it's also one of the reasons we aren't at school today."

"Alright." Iwaizumi's mother nods, redirecting her gaze to Oikawa again. "Tooru, is there anything you'd like to say? You know you can say or ask anything here and nobody will judge. I just want to know how you feel, and if I can help in any way."

Oikawa takes a deep breath, eyes fixed on the teacup again. Then he starts to talk, very quietly at first but his voice gets steadier with every word. “I’m having nightmares. Like, bad ones. Ever since my parents got back. And I’m... I’m afraid sometimes, that they’ll come back. I know nothing changed from before, they still lost custody after all, and I know it’s all irrational-”

“It’s not,” Iwaizumi’s mother says. “Sorry to interrupt, but I want you to know you don’t have to justify your feelings about this. These people hurt you, they hurt you badly, and whatever you’re feeling is only natural. We just have to find a way to deal with it.”

Oikawa is biting his lip again and Iwaizumi flicks his shoulder to make him stop, but he does so more gently than usually. He knows this situation is hard on him.

When his boyfriend visibly struggles to find the right words, Iwaizumi jumps in to help. “We talked about therapy yesterday.”

Oikawa nods, but still looks lost so Iwaizumi reaches out and grabs his hand to assure him he’s there. Iwaizumi’s mother seems to notice how hard it is for Oikawa to open up about this, so she decides to take the lead in the conversation.

“I think therapy is a very reasonable choice. A professional will be able to give you help that we can’t provide, and I find it’s always good to talk to someone who isn’t necessarily personally involved in your life. I don’t mean stop talking to us, but when you talk to someone who isn’t as close to you, it’s often easier to open up since you don’t think as much about how your words will affect the other person or if it will change how they think of you – because, excuse my assumption on this, Tooru, but I take you for a person who thinks about that stuff a lot when talking to people.”

“Understatement of the year,” Iwaizumi mutters, but his mom shushes him with a stern look before turning back to Oikawa.

“I can help you with finding a therapist, if you want that. We’ll have to look for one that you’re comfortable with, but I assure you, it’s not as hard as it may seem. How about this: I will look some up and we’ll go through them together, and if we find someone that you feel could fit, we’ll make an appointment together. Would that be okay with you?”

“Yes.” Oikawa nods eagerly as he squeezes Iwaizumi’s hand. “Thank you so much. I know I should have done something about this sooner, but-”

Iwaizumi’s mother holds up a hand and shushes him. “You’re all good, dear. I’m glad you chose to talk to me about this at all, and we’ll get you through this.”

Iwaizumi can see that Oikawa’s eyes shimmer slightly as he quietly repeats, “Thank you.”

“It’s my pleasure. Now...” She turns to Iwaizumi and he feels his throat go a little dry. He’s prepared for this, of course, but still there’s a certain tightness in his chest as he realizes he will have to talk about this, now. But Oikawa is here, he’s holding his hand and Iwaizumi knows opening up is one of the most difficult tasks for Oikawa, but he still did, and that gives him courage for what’s about to come.

“I can’t really put my finger on it,” Iwaizumi’s mother says, “but I know my own son, and something’s off with you, too. Am I reading too much into it and it’s just the stress of everything that’s going on, or is there also something you’d like to tell me?”

Iwaizumi needs a few seconds to get his voice to work, but Oikawa’s warm hand is right there and squeezes his slightly and he reminds himself that it’s okay, that they’re going to be fine. 

“I’m afraid to ride buses.”

His mother’s eyes widen. Of course she didn’t see this coming, how could she? He has made enough effort to hide it, and it’s not like there’s any occasions where they would need to ride the bus together, so it only makes sense that she doesn’t know.

“Talk about understatements,” Oikawa pipes up, and this time he’s the one getting shushed. He’s right though, of course, so Iwaizumi continues.

“I haven’t really slept well since the accident either, and I haven’t been able to get on any buses. Riding in the car isn’t as bad, but it still doesn’t feel good.”

“Oh dear,” his mother says. “You don’t have to hide stuff like this. Both of you, in fact.”

“I know,” Iwaizumi says while Oikawa just lowers his gaze and pulls up his shoulders a bit. “It was just hard to wrap my head around it.”

“I get that,” she replies softly, “and it’s good you’re coming forward with it now. I’m not an expert on that kind of trauma so there’s not much I can do, but since Tooru and you already talked about it, I take it you’re not opposed to looking for a therapist either?”

Iwaizumi shakes his head.

“Okay then. We’ll get through this, boys, you hear me? I know it feels scary from time to time and life can get pretty bitchy-” She pauses as the two of them snicker, and smiles. “Don’t tell your dad I said that. What I mean is, even when you feel like you’re at your worst, life goes on and it will get better. That’s not just an empty saying, you know? And whatever you need, I’ll be here for you all along, and so will your dad.”

They both nod. Iwaizumi is too busy swallowing down the lump in his throat to say anything, and when he sees Oikawa’s shimmering eyes, he’s pretty sure the other feels the same. But they don’t need to say anything, Iwaizumi’s mother understands anyways like she always does, and then she gets up and comes over, a warm smile on her face, and she plops down between the two of them and pulls both of them into a hug with one arm each. 

“You two, no matter how much you try to outgrow me with that height of yours, you’ll always be my little boys.”

“Mom!” Iwaizumi whines as she ruffles his hair and tries to break free, but damn, that woman has a strong grip. He hears Oikawa squeal, which tells him she’s messed up his hair too, but then she lets go of them with a big grin.

“Sorry. I just can’t resist sometimes. Alright boys, anything else you wanna talk about?”

Both of them shake their heads and Oikawa is running his fingers through his hair, trying to bring it back into shape somehow. Iwaizumi doesn’t even bother; his hair is as good as indestructible.

“Good, now how about I make us some nice lunch? I bet you two haven’t eaten anything decent in days.”

“Actually, Iwa-chan made gyuudon for us yesterday,” Oikawa says and something about his voice is different now – he sounds much more at ease somehow, the natural joy finally back in his tone. Iwaizumi is relieved to hear it, but he also feels it in himself: It’s like some weight has been lifted off his shoulders.

Of course not much has changed yet. The nights will still be hard and they haven’t even found a therapist yet, but just talking to his mother, getting this off his chest instead of bottling it up and carrying it around, actually seeing a path that can help to take him out of this dark place, it makes him feel so much lighter. He didn’t even realize how much all of it suffocated him until now that he can breathe again. It’s amazing, he thinks, what a little hope can do.

And seeing the tension leave Oikawa’s shoulder, the spark beginning to glint again in his eyes and the smile seeming more genuine than before, makes a warmth spread in Iwaizumi’s chest. He looks so beautiful like this. He kind of wants to kiss him right now, but they agreed not to tell anyone yet. It’s not that they don’t want anyone to know, but everything is still so messed up, and they want time for themselves to figure out this thing that’s between them. They’ll tell everyone soon enough, when they’re ready.

Oikawa continues to chatter with Iwaizumi’s mother, and Iwaizumi just watches, and he’s not really taking in what they’re saying, but it’s enough to just see. He really got lucky, he thinks to himself, to have such a loving family, for one, and to have the most amazing person in the world love him back. He still can’t really believe this is actually real. But being here at home and watching Oikawa joke around with his mother as she clatters around in the kitchen and chases him away from anything sharp or inflammable feels just so right, as if everything has fallen into place, and Iwaizumi doesn’t want to miss this feeling for anything in the world.

She later pulls Iwaizumi aside while Oikawa is already bouncing off to the living room to pick out a movie to watch later in the evening.

“So... something you wanna tell me?”

Iwaizumi furrows his brow. “I think we talked about everything.”

But his mother smirks, shaking her head. “I’m not blind, dear. You and Tooru seem to be, ah... really at ease with each other now.”

All the blood in his body heats up by several degrees and he’s sure it’ll burn its way out of his veins as he realizes what his mother is talking about. “Well, yeah. Everything’s good between us again.”

“Seems more than good to me.”

“You’re being weird.”

In that moment, Oikawa yells from the living room, “Is anything alien-related a taboo?”

Iwaizumi yells “Yes!” just at the same time his mother shouts “No!” and they look at each other, both furrowing their brows.

“Your mom has more jurisdiction here, Iwa-chan,” Oikawa yells back happily, and Iwaizumi’s mother grins.

“So, I take it, you don’t want to talk about it yet, that’s fine. I won’t tell anyone. But Hajime...” She puts her hand on his shoulder, squeezes, “I’m really happy for you two. It was about time.”

Iwaizumi ducks his head, but he knows he can’t hide the blush that is spreading on his face now. “I have no idea what you’re talking about,” he mutters and brushes his mother’s hand off, but when he looks up at her and sees her smile, he can’t help but smile back.

Oikawa squeals in the living room as he finds some stupid alien movie he hasn’t seen yet – which is ridiculous, considering how many he already watched – and Iwaizumi’s mother laughs, joining him to take a look at what the movie’s about, and Iwaizumi follows, grumbling something about Oikawa’s damned obsession, but he doesn’t really mean it.

Seeing that genuine smile on Oikawa’s face makes sitting through two hours of badly animated space monsters absolutely worth it.

Several months later

The ball slams against the floor, hard, and Oikawa doesn’t even need to turn around and see the red flag pointed at the corner of the court to know that it’s within bounds.

The referee blows his whistle, Karasuno cheers and Oikawa is frozen in place; he stares in front of him where he thought the ball would come down on the court before the block got in the way and it deflected. Before it dropped.

The repeated sound of the whistle brings him back to reality, and he turns to his team. Everyone looks just as dejected as he feels, but he’s their leader, their captain, so he puts a small smile on his face and tells them to line up.  They shake hands with Karasuno, and Oikawa is glad that Sawamura doesn’t say anything, just inclines his head in a respectful gesture. He couldn’t have taken more than that.

They line up in front of the audience, and Oikawa’s eyes scan the crowd, finding Iwaizumi immediately. It feels wrong, to have him look down from the stands instead of having him here beside him, but it’s been like this for a while now. He had time to adjust to the fact that Iwaizumi and he won’t be playing on the same team anymore, but right now, in that last fateful match, it hurts again.

This isn’t what they planned, what they dreamed of. They were supposed to win this match, go up against Shiratorizawa in the finals and head on to nationals, Oikawa and Iwaizumi, Tooru and Hajime. He thought that was what they’ve been destined to do, but fate seems to have had different plans. 

He takes a deep breath and they bow to the audience. The applause they get is deafening, and though it’s little comfort, it matters to him to hear everyone knows they’ve played their very best. They were amazing, powerful, excelling. Karasuno was just the better team today.

And even though it hurts, even though he feels like his dreams are laying shattered in front of him, the situation isn’t as abhorrent as he thought it would be. Sure, there’s a tight feeling in his chest, and pressure behind his eyes, and the ache in his heart is so, so real... but there’s this bittersweet aftertaste, a little part of him that lets him keep his head up high as he leads his team off the court.

He’s not one for empty phrases when it comes to losing – he won’t tell his team they’ve fought well, that they can be proud to have come this far, that they can be satisfied with this result, because fact is, they lost, and that is all on themselves. But in this moment, he finds that despite all the hurt, the most prominent emotion he’s feeling right now is pride. Not for himself, or anyone in particular. He’s proud of them all, together.

And that’s what he tells them back in the changing room. Iwaizumi is there too, and some of the first-years are sniffling, but Oikawa faces them all and smiles. It’s genuine, a little sad, but truthful.

“I won’t beat around the bush,” he starts. “It’s unfortunate that we lost today, and I know we all feel the same way about this. Karasuno was the better team today, even though we put our all into it. There’s no sugarcoating that.” One of the first years lets out a sob, and Oikawa walks over to him to put a hand on his shoulder. “It’s unfortunate, as I said, but it’s also no reason to despair. This team has been through a lot the past year, we’ve endured so much, and now look at us.”

He looks everyone in the eye, still smiling. 

“I won’t tell you to be satisfied with this result. In fact, I’ll say the contrary. Be dissatisfied. Take this loss to heart, and let it fuel into your ambition. We won’t let them tell us to be proud to even have come this far, because we know we can be better and we’ll prove we can be better. I’m telling you not to settle for this, because we do not settle for consolation prizes and empty phrases. What I have seen today was a team that fought with everything they had, and yes, it wasn’t enough yet, and yes, we still haven’t regained all our strength, but I know you’ll push on and that you’ll persist and that you’ll do better than this, and that’s why even in the face of this loss I am not disheartened, I am more reassured than ever that you’ll go far.” 

He smiles and the burning behind his eyes is not because of sadness.

“I believe in all of you.”

“When the wind's against you
Remember this insight
That's the optimal condition
For birds to take flight
Now the wind's against you
Don't give up the fight”

(Airfield - Enter Shikari)

Chapter Text

“Sometimes I'll fall down, sometimes I'll lose hope
But those days will be few if I keep my feet on the ground
I might be lonely, but I ain't alone here
So I keep pushing the limits of what makes me”

(Alone In A Room - Asking Alexandria)

“They are definitely up to something,” Oikawa mumbles as he stares out of the car window, watching the rest of the team pile onto the bus. “Joint practice, my ass. Kunimi couldn’t even get that sentence out without stuttering. Why the hell would coach even arrange a practice without telling me? I might be gone soon but I’m still the goddamn captain, am I not?”

“Cut it out,” Iwaizumi growls behind the steering wheel, “you’re just driving yourself insane.”

“But you gotta admit, it’s shady,” Oikawa protests and only gets a groan in response, so he turns back to narrow his eyes at Kunimi who’s about to get on the bus, but meets his stare before he does so and almost jumps a meter into the air. “See? He’s nervous about something!”

“Of course he’s nervous, you’ve been glaring him down non-stop for the last fifteen minutes!”

“Suga said that their coach didn’t talk to them beforehand, either.”

“Oikawa, for the love of fuck! Even if they’re up to something, you’ll find out soon enough, so stop your blabbering before I leave you here!”

“Tch,” Oikawa says, but tears his stare away from the team bus. “I’m only keeping you company; I could just get on the bus if you kick me out.”

Therapy has been going well for Iwaizumi and his fear of riding busses has become much easier to handle, but for longer distances on the highway he still rather opts for the car to avoid getting too stressed out. The drive to Karasuno isn’t long, but since it’s where the accident happened, Iwaizumi is still nervous about it, and Oikawa totally understands.

Their injuries are long healed by now, but Iwaizumi has taken up his doctor’s advice and taken a break from volleyball for the rest of the year. He still joins every practice though, giving advice about strategy and theory, helping the first and second years out with their technique and fulfills all of his duties as vice captain.

“Oh no, whatever would I do with some peace and quiet in the car?” Iwaizumi mumbles and rolls down the window as he sees coach approaching. Luckily, he arrives before Oikawa can take offense in the statement.

“Good afternoon, young men. All ready for today?”

“As ready as ever, coach,” Oikawa replies with a beaming smile.

“That’s good to hear,” the man replies and pats the roofs of Iwaizumi’s car. “Make sure to follow the bus, yeah?”

Iwaizumi furrows his brow. “I know how to get to Karasuno, Irihata-sensei.”

“We might make a stop before we go there. Just follow, and if you lose us, call.” 

With that, he saunters off and now Iwaizumi has to agree with Oikawa that something is definitely up. Not that he would admit it, of course, otherwise he’d have to look at that smug smile the whole way.

The bus takes off and they trail behind. Since his shoulder regained mobility, Iwaizumi is allowed to drive again, and even though he is getting more comfortable around buses again, he’s still glad about it. Before he got permission to drive again, Oikawa has been the one playing taxi for him, but since it’s Iwaizumi’s car and Oikawa drives about as good as he cooks, it’s a relief to be doing it himself now.

Surely enough, it’s not long before the bus takes a turn they wouldn’t have taken if they were driving straight to Karasuno, and Oikawa starts observing the surroundings as if he could somehow sherlock the solution out of this place. He can’t, though, and so they just follow until the bus halts on a parking spot near a forest.

Iwaizumi parks his car and they get out just as the rest of the team starts piling out of the bus too, and they join them.

“What exactly are we doing here?” Iwaizumi asks, but coach just smiles smugly and replies, “All first and second years are with me, the third years wait here. Kyoutani-kun, you’ll stay too to keep an eye on them.”

Makki gasps in feigned shock. “Don’t you trust us, Irihata-sensei?”

“Not on this, no,” coach replies unimpressed, and then the group sets off, leaving a group of seven very confused third years and a scowling Kyoutani behind.

“Mad dog-chan,” Oikawa starts up in a sing-song voice. “Do you want to tell...”

“No,” Kyoutani grunts pointedly and turns away. Coach probably thought this through well when he left him to watch them, because getting Kyoutani to do or say anything he doesn’t want is close to impossible. All they can do is wait.

After some time, Kyoutani’s phone rings. He picks up, grunts in affirmation and then turns to them. “C’mon.”

They follow him to a path that leads into the small forest, walking for a few minutes before reaching a house that’s just there, surrounded by the trees. Kyoutani opens the gate, marching through and motioning them to follow.

“What the hell?” Makki mumbles, but they all follow suit.

Instead of going to the front door, Kyoutani takes a left, walking around the house and disappearing from their side.

“I’m beginning to feel like I’m in the first two minutes of a horror movie,” Oikawa says and takes Iwaizumi’s hand as if he really expects to be murdered every second from now. “What the hell are they up to?”

“Only one way to find out,” Iwaizumi replies, and they all round the corner together.

Iwaizumi can’t even try to see what’s in front of them before there’s the sound of several people yelling “Surprise!” and then there’s turquoise confetti in his face. He sputters, fanning it away from his face, and as the little paper strings slowly fall to the ground, he slowly can make out the scene in front of them, and it hits him like a freight train.

They’re in a huge garden that borders on the edge of the forest. There’s a little pond, stone paths and bamboo surrounding it, and someone has put up lanterns all over the place. Next to the pond is a little gazebo, decorated with a big garland that consists of big shining threes. Tables and benches have been lined up on the big lawn and above them, strings of light-bulbs illuminate the whole scene. On one of the tables is the cake in the shape of a volleyball, and seven candles are burning on it.

And amidst the whole set-up is their whole team with the coaches, smiling at them brightly. Kindaichi is holding the confetti canon he just fired off in their faces.

“Guys,” Makki chokes out. “What is all of this?”

Kunimi looks around, chuckling nervously. “It’s, uh, a goodbye party. Since we played our last match together now and all, and before the seven of you leave, we wanted to say thank you.”

Iwaizumi’s chest clenches, though not in an unpleasant way, and Kunimi’s expression transforms into alarm as he looks back and forth between all of them. “Oh gods, guys, please don’t cry.”

“We’re not crying,” Oikawa sniffles with tears streaming down his cheeks, and even Iwaizumi can’t deny that he feels his eyes getting a little wet. When he looks to the side, he can see that all of the third-years are on the verge of tears, and then Oikawa surges forward and pulls Kunimi into a bone-crushing hug, reaching behind him and pulling in everyone he can get his hands on – Watari and Kyoutani being the more or less unwilling victims here. “I knew you had something planned, you assholes!”

Coach Irihata clears his throat and Oikawa beams at him. “Sorry, coach.” He squeezes the first and second years in his arms. “You guys are the best! How did you even come up with this place?”

“It belongs to my grandma,” Kunimi explains and struggles to get out of Oikawa’s grip, face slowly turning blue.

Iwaizumi steps in and pulls his boyfriend back before anyone gets suffocated. Kunimi shoots him a thankful look. “She said we could use it for the party, and the location is pretty perfect since nobody is around to get bothered by the noise. Um, we have some other stuff too for later, but you’ll see when we get to it. First you gotta blow out the candles before the wax ruins the cake.”

Everyone starts cheering and Iwaizumi can’t help but smile at the younger members of their team. He knew they were a great team, but that they went out of their way so much just to say thank you and goodbye leaves his chest feeling really warm. He knows that to all of them, this is about more than just volleyball. They literally went to hell and back together, they almost died and then braved the long and rocky road of recovery side by side, and the bond that they have now is far stronger than just simply being teammates. Iwaizumi would trust every single one of these people with his life.

They go over to the table where the cake is, and each of the third years get to blow out one of the candles and make a wish. The rest of the team cheers every time.

Then they start distributing the cake and everyone starts settling down on the benches, chattering lively, and Watari puts on some background music.

Oikawa and Iwaizumi sit down on one table with Makki, Mattsun, Kunimi, Yahaba and Kindaichi, and the younger ones are beaming proudly now that they realize their surprise has been a full success.

“Who even came up with all of this?” Makki asks around a mouthful of cake, and Iwaizumi whacks him on the back of his head, telling him to swallow before he speaks.

“You’d know all about that, wouldn’t you?” Makki retorts and earns himself another smack, which leaves the younger boys staring at them in confusion.

“Ignore him,” Iwaizumi growls. They have told Iwaizumi’s parents about their relationship by now – his mother had the decency to feign total surprise, whereas his father genuinely didn’t see it coming, but both of them reacted with love and open arms.

Also, they’ve made it a game to see how long it would take Makki and Mattsun to catch up, because the two of them have been teasing them relentlessly while never realizing that all the hand-holding and public cuddles are not, in fact, just friendly anymore. Makki probably thinks they’re doing it to spite him, like if they hold hands openly he won’t be able to tease them about it anymore.

It has been about four weeks since they decided to be open about their relationship from there on, but since they’re both against proclaiming it to the world, nobody has noticed yet.  Not that they’d ever deny it if the topic came up, but apparently they’ve been so affectionate towards each other as best friends that being boyfriends doesn’t change a thing.
And Iwaizumi likes it this way. Oikawa will always stay his best friend first, he’ll always be the guy he shared his entire childhood with, the one who knows everything about him and the one he trusts entirely. Being his boyfriend is just a bonus.

“So, whose idea was this?”

“Um, it was joint effort, really,” Kindaichi says. “Kunimi came up with the idea in the first place, and we all helped plan it. Coach was in contact with Karasuno-”

“Wait,” Oikawa chimes in, “Suga also thinks we’re having a joint practice. Or were they in on it?”

“No. Not the third years, at least.”

“No way,” Oikawa beams, “they’re having a goodbye party too? Aw, that’s so sweet! I bet Suga is going to cry.”

“You cried too, idiot,” Iwaizumi snorts.

“Did not.”

“Did too.”

“Now would you listen to them, bickering like an old married couple,” Makki snickers. “Aren’t they just absolutely goals, Mattsun?”

“My favorite oh-tee-pee,” Mattsun cooes.

These idiots are really pushing it. If Oikawa and he weren’t already dating, Iwaizumi would have kicked their asses for being so damned suggestive.

Kindaichi, bless his innocent soul, didn’t get that they were only teasing and let his gaze wander back and forth between Oikawa and Iwaizumi. “Wait, you’re dating?”

Makki snorts and tries to stifle his laughter, but the joke’s on him this time, so Iwaizumi decides to finally come clean and nods.  “Yeah, we are.”

That sends Makki over the edge and he wheezes with laughter, slapping his thigh repeatedly. “Good one,” he chokes out, but his laughter dies down when he sees the serious expression on Iwaizumi’s face. “Wait, what?”

“Took you long enough,” Oikawa comments and takes Iwaizumi’s hand. “We had bets running on how long it would take you to notice.”

“No. Way.” Mattsun says and he looks back and forth between them. “For how long?”

“Officially for a month.”

“And unofficially?”

Oikawa hums. “Longer.”

Mattsun leans back a bit, his brain visibly working very hard, but Makki is shaking his head. “Nuh-uh. You’re just fucking with us.”

Iwaizumi sighs. “We’re not.”

“I don’t believe you.”

Rolling his eyes, Iwaizumi grabs Oikawa by the back of his neck and roughly pulls him into a deep kiss. He can hear Makki and Mattsun gasp, and some other voices from the other table are starting up now as well, but he doesn’t care. Being able to do this, to be so free around everyone and confirm that Oikawa is his boyfriend, it just feels really nice

When they pull apart, Oikawa smiles at him a bit disheveled, lips pink from the kiss.

“Oh my god,” Makki squeals. “Oh my god, we’ve been trying to matchmake for weeks and you’ve been together this whole time, you assholes?!”

“Language, Hanamaki-kun,” Coach Irihata yells over, and Makki waves at him apologetically.

“Well,” Oikawa says and grins. “It was kind of funny to watch.”

“I can’t believe this,” Makki grumbles. “All this effort wasted.”

“If it makes you feel better, you did help in the whole getting-together thing.”

“How?”

“Because you were always only teasing Iwa-chan, and I thought you wouldn’t do this without any reason so I had a little hope he might actually feel the same way and that gave me the courage to ask him out in the end.”

At that, Makki’s face lights up and he turns to Mattsun. “Ha, you owe me! I knew it would be Oikawa!”

Iwazumi groans. “You made bets?”

Mattsun just shrugs. “It was kind of obvious you’d get together at some point, it was just a question of when and who’d make the first step. Right?” The question is directed at the younger ones at the table, who are watching the whole conversation with amusement in their eyes.

“I always thought so, too,” Kunimi nods, while Kindaichi only half-shrugs, obviously still processing all the new information.

Yahaba is snickering. “I never mentioned this, but when I first came to Seijoh, I thought for like three weeks straight that the two of you were dating.”

“Oh gods, Watari said that, too,” Kunimi snorts, and Iwaizumi can feel his cheeks warming up, but when he looks to Oikawa, the other is just grinning from ear to ear.

Before anyone else can say something though, they’re interrupted by Watari, who’s trying to get everyone’s attention by standing on the bench and yelling.

“Listen up. We have some stuff planned for the evening, and we need to get some of it done before eight o’clock, so we’re just going to start right away.”

Iwaizumi narrows his eyes at Kunimi. “What exactly do you have planned?”

But Kunimi just shrugs. “Wait and see.”

The first and second years get up and line up in front of the gazebo, joined by the two coaches.

“Oh god,” Oikawa says. “Does anyone have tissues ready? I feel like this calls for tissues.”

“I thought you said you didn’t cry earlier,” Iwaizumi replies.

“I didn’t. I’m just being considerate, Iwa-chan, you all were bawling like children.”

Iwaizumi raps him over the head, but before the bickering can continue, Yahaba speaks up. He holds a little sheet with notes in his hand.

“So, our last match is played now, the school year is coming to an end and soon it’ll be time for us to say goodbye to our self-titled, and I quote ‘welt-best amazing senpai’.” He pauses and grins as everyone laughs, and many eyes land on Oikawa. Yahaba continues, “Yes, of course it was Oikawa-san who said that. And though we all know our dear captain exaggerates from time to time – no offense – I think I’m speaking for everyone on this team when I say, we agree with him on this one.”

“Oh gods,” Makki chokes out. “This is too much for me already. Where are your goddamn tissues, Oikawa?”

“While we’re all really sad that this era is coming to an end now, that isn’t what tonight is all about. We also would like to remember and celebrate the journey we had together – all the ups and downs, the wins, the losses, the many, many nights spent listening to Makki-san sing karaoke during training camp, which might have been the hardest trial we’ve been put through these years...” Everyone laughs, Makki loudest of them all. “...and in honor of this journey, we’re going down memory lane. Everyone will be sharing one of their favorite memories, starting with Kunimi.”

Coach pulls down a canvas from the gazebo, and a projector flickers on, throwing a picture against it. It’s from last spring, the whole volleyball team in the cafeteria, covered in remnants of their food fight. Iwaizumi smiles fondly at the memory.

Kunimi steps forward, looking at the picture first and then turning towards them. “Us first years only had the privilege of spending one year as your kouhai, but I guarantee, it was more than enough to gather lots of dirt on all of you.”

And then, one by one, everyone shares a memory with them.

Kindaichi reminds them of the spontaneous roadtrip they had after they had lost a match and coach accidentally missed a turn on the way back, landing them in the middle of nowhere. They had driven around, played music and sung along loudly, joking with each other until all the bitterness from the loss was washed away by their laughter. The picture is a selfie Makki took with all of them in the background, grinning at the camera.

Kyoutani recounts the arm-wrestling competition they started out of boredom and how it got so serious that the whole school got involved somehow and it became an actual, official competition in the end. He even grouchily admits that Iwaizumi won the whole thing, and Iwaizumi laughs at the picture of himself being handed a prize by their headmaster.

Watari’s story is about the time Mattsun and Makki made a bet on who could ‘accidentally’ hit Oikawa with their spikes the most often in training until they got in trouble (Mattsun won). Couch Irihata huffs quietly in exasperation. Apparently one of them filmed the whole thing, and they watch a compilation of Oikawa repeatedly getting hit. When the ball nearly misses his face one time, the whole team is in tears from laughing.

Yahaba talks about the night two days before their match against Shiratorizawa the last year, and how they all met up at dusk to hike up a hill and go star-gazing all together, talking about all and nothing and wishing upon stars for victory while Oikawa talked about constellations and tried to point them out in the sky for them.

The coaches remind them of that one time during training camp where it was just impossible to get them to go to bed, and someone was always up for some reason and trying to sneak through the house, and somehow it all developed into one huge game of hide and seek with the coaches that went on for two hours until they finally called it a day.

They go another round, talking about all the things they did and saw together, and by the end of it, Iwaizumi’s abdomen muscles hurt from laughing so much. Oikawa is draped half-over him, holding on to him for support as he continues giggling.

“So yeah,” Yahaba finally says, wiping his eyes. “We want to thank you for two, or respectively one, amazing years. Whatever may come after this, we’ll face it and will make sure to make you all proud, but for now, we want to take this evening to celebrate the great time we had. And to settle things all and for once, we prepared some competitions.”

There’s a wide grin on his face, and Iwaizumi already knows this is going to be good.

“First of all, Kyoutani insisted on an arm-wrestling rematch, but that is set for after eight o’clock.”

“What exactly happens at eight o’clock?” Iwaizumi asks, but only gets another grin in response.

“You’ll see when it’s time. For now, we’re gonna do something that the coaches will probably disapprove of, since we often did it after training and always got in trouble for it...” Watari and Kunimi disappear around the house, and after a few moments they come back, rolling two empty volleyball carts in front of them. Coach Irihata makes a noise that sounds like a stifled groan, and the rest of the team laughs as they understand what this is all about.

“Sorry, coach,” Yahaba chuckles. “But just this once, you’ll have to bear with us. Everyone, team up for cart racing!”

“Oi, Watari-kun,” Iwaizumi shouts and waves the second year over. Watari grins and nods at him.

“What, not teaming up with Oikawa?”

Iwaizumi shakes his head, looking over to Oikawa who already has Kyoutani in a headlock and drags him over to one of the carts while the younger boy is cursing profoundly.

“Nah, I’m opting to win here.” As is Oikawa, from the looks of it.

Watari seems to understand right away, and he chuckles. “Ah, I’m the lightest to push, aren’t I? But if you’re gonna use me for my size then you better make damn sure we win.”

Iwaizumi grins. “Don’t worry, I will.”

It’s a close call in the end, but they do win.

Makki and Mattsun almost manage to overtake them because Makki’s legs are far longer than Iwaizumi’s, but that doesn’t make up for the second they lose in the turn, and the coaches confirm that Iwaizumi and Watari make it over the finish line slightly before them.

Oikawa starts pouting - Kyoutani toppled over in the cart after throwing a fit about Oikawa’s steering - but it only lasts for about a minute before he’s beaming again because Yahaba announces they’re gonna do target serves with empty bottles, and of course Oikawa kicks all their asses. Iwaizumi does a few serves too, carefully since he still has to look out for his shoulder, and he manages well enough considering he hasn’t really been training.

They do silly game after silly game, and when Yahaba announces that it’s half past seven and they need to stop since they have something else planned still, all of them are in lifted spirits. Iwaizumi can’t remember when he last felt this carefree, and seeing Oikawa laugh so freely only makes him happier. Their underclassmen really outdid themselves.

They gather at the tables again and Kunimi and Yahaba start pulling out some packages in gift wrap.

“We can’t let you go without goodbye gifts, of course.”

Makki sniffles dramatically and hides his face in Mattsun’s shoulder. “These boys are gonna be the death of me.”

“Tch,” Kyoutani says and throws one of the packages at Makki’s head. “Open that, fucker.”

“Aw, Mad Dog-chan,” Oikawa chuckles. “You’re being so affectionate today.”

Kyoutani looks as if he might explode, or tackle Oikawa to the ground, but luckily neither of these things happen because Makki draws the attention back to him as he squeals loudly upon opening the package. He holds up a pair of shorts, and at first Iwaizumi can’t really see what’s so special about them until he realizes they have pockets - bright-pink rimmed pockets that are glittering. 
Over the boisterous laughter of the rest of the team, Iwaizumi thinks he can hear coach mumble something about he’s glad that Makki won’t be at practice anymore to wear that monstrosity.

Mattsun receives a printed book of every meme he ever shared in the group chat along with a special category dedicated to dad jokes, and Oikawa receives something similar, only his book contains screenshots of every time he ever started drama in the chat. He almost chokes on his laughter as he flips through it, but it fades into a warm smile when he reaches the last pages and sees the notes everyone has scribbled there - all wishing him the best of luck on his path to university.

Then it’s Iwaizumi’s turn, and Yahaba hands him his gift. The package is soft in his hands, and he squeezes it slightly, making the gift wrap crackle. Watari is snickering which makes him suspicious, but there’s only one way to find out so he tears the wrap and unfolds it, revealing black fabric. Furrowing his brow, he takes it into his hands and shakes it out. It’s a T-Shirt, and before he can even register why, the whole team is already laughing hysterically.

Then he reads the print on the shirt and sighs in exasperation. “Really?

”On the front of the shirt there’s “Best Mom” printed in big white letters.

“Turn it around,” Makki wheezes, and when Iwaizumi does so, he sees that in the same font and size, the shirt reads “Best Dad” on the back.

“What the hell?”

“Let me explain,” Yahaba chokes out and wipes at his eye, “this was inspired by Makki-san, because one time after practice, he sparked up that conversation on who is the mom friend and who’s the dad friend of our team.”

“And we all agreed it’s both you,” Makki laughs. “Like, every other team has one person for each term, but us? Nah.”

“Not my fault all of you are immature as hell,” Iwaizumi grumbles, but it’s really hard to hide the smile that’s trying to creep its way onto his face.

“Come on, Iwaizumi-san, wear it!” Watari shouts, and Iwaizumi groans again, but tugs his shirt off nonetheless to pull the new one over his head. As he does so, he can hear several people clear their throats and Oikawa makes a high-pitched sound. 

“Stop ogling my boyfriend, you thirsty animals!”

“Nothing wrong with enjoying the view,” Mattsun answers with a grin.

“Behave, all of you!” Iwaizumi growls and everyone starts laughing, which is fair, he supposes, since he’s literally wearing a shirt that proclaims him team parent.

Then there’s a small “Oh” coming from Kunimi who’s looking at his clock. “It’s eight o’clock!”

“Are you finally gonna tell us-” Mattsun starts up, but he’s interrupted by a new voice shouting over the lawn.

“Look at the lanterns, and they have fairy lights everywhere! How cool!”

Someone comes around the corner, and the first thing Iwaizumi notices is bright orange hair. Then another figure appears, and another, and another, and many more, until...

“Is that...”

“Yep,” Yahaba says, “we planned the whole thing together with Karasuno. They also threw a surprise party for their third-years, and we agreed to fuse once we’re through with the more personal stuff.”

“What’s up, bitches?”

“Also, Kuroo invited himself.” Surely enough, there’s the black-haired boy jogging towards them with his typical, lop-sided grin. “Nekoma’s third year party already took place like two weeks ago, but he still wanted to join.”

“Of course he did,” Iwaizumi sighs and braces himself before Kuroo throws himself at him and buries him in a bone-crushing hug.

“Iwa-san! Wasn’t this an amazing idea?”

“How did you even know?”

“Oh, your kouhai were in contact with ours because they were sharing ideas and stuff. But our party was already two weeks ago, and they told us you’d get one too, so of course I drove down here!”

“Please tell me you at least told your aunt you were leaving this time.”

Kuroo laughs in a way that always reminds Iwaizumi of a hyena for some reason. “Of course I did, she’d kill me if I did that again in such a short time-span. Also, I was planning on surprise-visiting Yuuji anyways. I would have told him about it and brought him along, but I know he had plans already and surprising him is so much fun, so it all fit perfectly. Oi, Oikawa!”

And just like that, he’s off again, leaving Iwaizumi shaking his head, but smiling a little before another voice makes him turn around.

“Nice shirt!”

It’s Sugawara, grinning from ear to ear, wearing a shirt that looks similar to Iwaizumi’s and reads “Best Mom”. Next to him is Sawamura, who’s sporting the exact same thing as the dad version.

“At least there’s two of you. Apparently I’m the only one on my team with enough common sense to be considered the parent friend.” He turns around, showing them the back of his shirt, and both of them start laughing.

Around them, the other members of Karasuno are engaging in conversation with the Seijoh members, and Iwaizumi spots Kageyama next to Hinata who is talking to Kunimi and Kindaichi about something in a very expressive way, arms flying around and everything.

Oikawa is still with Kuroo, but he also has his eyes on Kageyama, and there’s an uneasy feeling in Iwaizumi’s chest as he tries to read his boyfriend’s expression. It’s one of those times where it’s hard even for him.
Then Oikawa says something to Kuroo, and he starts walking into Kageyama’s direction.

Iwaizumi curses under his breath and turns to Sugawara and Sawamura. “Excuse me for a second.”

He turns around and jogs up to Oikawa, who now seems very determined, but Iwaizumi blocks his way before anything can happen. “What are you doing?”

Oikawa’s expression is calm, carefully neutralized, and it makes it hard for Iwaizumi to read anything into it. “I need to talk to Tobio-chan about something.”

“Are you really sure you want to do that now? Here?” If this is about their last match against Karasuno, the one that landed the final blow on their dream of going to nationals, then today was definitely not the time to bring any of it up.

But to Iwaizumi’s surprise, Oikawa shakes his head. “It’s not what you think. Trust me on this one, Iwa-chan, please, I just need to talk to him.”

Something in Oikawa’s tone makes Iwaizumi step back. He’s not entirely sure if he’s going to regret that later, but he knows Oikawa isn’t entirely constipated – he probably wouldn’t make a scene at an occasion like this. Probably. It’s still Oikawa Tooru, after all.

But Iwaizumi steps aside and nods at him, both an okay and a warning that he’ll have his eye on him. Oikawa nods back, no spoken words needed.

Iwaizumi heads back to Sawamura and Suga who are looking at him with thoughtful eyes. 

“Is this going to be trouble?” Sawamura asks, and Iwaizumi narrows his eyes at the back of Oikawa’s head.

He doesn’t think so, but still he’s on edge, his body already tensing up as if to start running, like a few years back when he launched himself forward and grabbed Oikawa by the wrist harshly before his hand could meet Kageyama’s face.
But then again, everything’s different now. Lots has changed, Oikawa the most, and then there’s those words he just said. Trust me. So Iwaizumi settles back and relaxes his shoulders a bit.

“I don’t think so, no.”

“I'll stay away from
This pain I came from
Can't run away from
What's been said and done
With all these days gone
Been fighting so long
I can't break away from it all”

(Save Me - Hollywood Undead)

Chapter Text

“Put to rest what you thought of me
While I clean this slate
With the hands of uncertainty
So let mercy come and wash away
What I've done
I'll face myself to cross out what I've become
Erase myself
And let go of what I've done”

(What I’ve Done - Linkin Park)

Oikawa can see the tension on Kageyama’s face when he approaches him, and honestly, he can’t blame him. It’s not like he’s comfortable with this either, on the contrary, his stomach feels like it’s trying to eat itself. But he wants to do this, he has to, and he knows this is the best opportunity he’ll ever get, and he’ll be damned if he lets it slip through his fingers just because he’s a little bit nervous. He doesn’t let Kageyama see the nervousness, of course. Instead, he puts a smile on his face and waves at his former kouhai.

“Good evening, Tobio-chan. Come to see me off?”

Kageyama’s brow knits together, the usual constipated look on him and it takes Oikawa all he has not to huff. He’s here for a reason, he reminds himself, and it’s not to fight.

“I’m here with our senpai,” Kageyama replies almost carefully, as if Oikawa asked a trick question that might explode in his face if he answers wrong.

“Come have a chat with me.” Oikawa doesn’t want to keep up the small talk. If he’s going to say what he planned to, it’s no good to rile himself up beforehand by talking to one of his least favorite people at this party.

Kageyama looks unsure, and the orange shrimp apparently has no control over his facial muscles judging by the very obvious, suspicious scowl. 

“What do you want to talk about?”

Oikawa huffs out a little laugh. “How about you find out? Scared I’ll make you disappear behind those bushes, Tobio-chan?” Kageyama’s brow furrows further, and Oikawa groans internally. Does that idiot take everything seriously? “I promise I won’t murder you, now come one.”

Kageyama sighs and nods at the shrimp who still continues to stare at Oikawa. There’s no hostility in his gaze, it’s just questioning, and Oikawa doesn’t let it bother him too much.

He takes Kageyama aside for a bit so they’re out of hearing range from everyone else, standing by the side of the pond where the little gazebo is. Kageyama follows and then stands with a little bit of distance to him, not stepping in between Oikawa and the water. As he thinks that maybe Kageyama is really afraid he’ll throw him in, something twists in Oikawa’s gut. Kageyama’s face still pisses him off to no end and the memory of seeing him cheering with his team at the same time Oikawa’s dreams fell apart still puts his mind in an uncomfortably dark place. But there are some things that he has come to understand in these last few months, and he needs to get it off his chest before it eats him up inside.

“I watched you play Shiratorizawa.” He doesn’t know how to start this conversation, so volleyball is his first thought.

Kageyama seems surprised by that statement. “You were there?”

Oikawa nods and turns away a bit, leaning back against the gazebo and putting his hands in his pockets. “It was well done.” There’s no bite in his words, no backhanded comment following, and it seems to confuse Kageyama even further.

“Uh...”

“You better train hard these next two years, Tobio-chan,” Oikawa says before he has to suffer through the ineloquent phenomenon named Kageyama searching for words. Kageyama closes his mouth and they lock eyes. “When you get into college, I’ll be waiting. Don’t think this was the end of it.”

“I don’t.” It comes out fast, determined, and Oikawa grins a bit. If there’s one thing he can count on, it’s Kageyama’s stubbornness.

“Good.” His fingers curl up a bit too tight, but they’re in his pockets so Kageyama can’t see. He takes a deep breath and steadies himself a bit. Getting these words right isn’t easy somehow. “I know you came to see me at the hospital.”

“Uh, I know,” Kageyama says, but Oikawa shakes his head.

“The first time, I mean. I wasn’t sleeping. I heard what you said.”

Kageyama’s eyes widen, and he’s probably desperately trying to recollect what exactly he unloaded to Iwaizumi all those weeks ago, but Oikawa shrugs.

“You talked about this...” He makes a vague gesture back and forth between the two of them. He doesn’t really know what to call it. “…and that you wanted it to stop.”

“I remember,” Kageyama says, eyes glued to the floor.

“I do, too.”

At that, Kageyama’s head snap up, and just like that they’re staring at each other. Oikawa feels uncomfortable under the gaze. There’s too much emotion in there, more than he’s used to when it comes to Kageyama.

“Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to be friends. Hell no. Actually, I’m still glad if I don’t have to see your constipated face around.”

“Uh...”

“Let me talk. I’ve thought about some things, and...” Gods, why are words so hard to put together? “Tch. Whatever. Forget that childish crap we had going on. When you get on college level, we’re supposed to call each other worthy opponents after all, don’t we?”

Kageyama’s eyes are wide, and it makes unpleasant memories arise, ones he wishes would stay buried where he has pushed them to the furthest corner of his mind.

His palm throbs and his muscles are burning from the many jump serves he hit, but he doesn’t stop. It’s not as bad as the dull pain in his ribs, anyways.

Smack. Thump. Smack. Thump.

Sweat trickles down Oikawa’s brow and he wipes it away. He hasn’t really slept the last two nights, and his eyes are starting to hurt from being open for so long.

Smack. Thump.

Only a few centimeters are missing to get the ball exactly where he wants it to, but somehow he can’t seem to make it work. That little of a distance, and still it ruins everything, taints all his serves with imperfection.

A flash of pain in his knee as he lands on it too hard. He holds back a gasp and his ribs burn from the tension.

Only a few centimeters.

“Oikawa-senpai, please teach me how to serve!”

His head snaps to the left, gaze settling on the black-haired kid that somehow managed to sneak up on him. His eyes are wide, in awe, and Oikawa hates every bit of it.

That kid that came here to take his spot. That kid that Oikawa’s father points out on a daily basis, telling Oikawa to pay attention to his technique, to his skill, even though he’s so much younger, and Oikawa hates the kid for getting the praise that he never seems to deserve.

The kid babbles on, those damned wide eyes, and Oikawa’s ribs throb, dark spots cloud his vision and these wide eyes turn blood-red. Breathing hurts, watching red eyes laughing at him hurts, and he’s tired, so so tired. He just wants it to go away.

His arm moves on reflex, raising, shooting forward.

And then there’s sturdy fingers on his wrist, gripping tightly, stopping the momentum. Kageyama’s wide eyes stare down at him, and Oikawa realizes his hand is only centimeters away from his face.

Only a few centimeters.

Iwaizumi tells Kageyama to leave, and then he grabs Oikawa by the collar and yells at him. Oikawa doesn’t know what to say, he doesn’t know how to explain, all he can think about is his own raised hand, ready to swing, and suddenly he sees his own father when he looks down at his palm.

Iwaizumi notices that something is wrong. Of course he does, he always does. He doesn’t need to ask; he reaches out and pulls Oikawa into a hug before the latter can even realize what’s going on.

Oikawa cries, and Iwaizumi holds him.

They sit like this until Oikawa starts falling asleep and Iwaizumi nudges him to stand up, to go. Oikawa dreads getting home, dreads facing his father, but to his surprise Iwaizumi just leads him to his own house, no questions asked. Oikawa collapses unto Iwaizumi’s bed, warm arms holding him. 

He dreams of his father raising his hand and stopping just slightly before Kageyama’s face.

Only a few centimeters.

Everything was different back then.

Only those wide eyes staring at him haven’t changed, though they’re not turning into a blood-red color anymore. They’re just Kageyama’s eyes, and Kageyama is just a prodigy kid, and they’re all just trying to do the same, to give their best.

Oikawa feels his insists twist. It hurts to think he needed to get this close to death to realize all this.

Kageyama still seems confused, which is understandable since those words might have been the least hostile thing Oikawa ever said to him. It seems he doesn’t know what to reply, as much of an ineloquent brat as ever, and despite Oikawa’s late realizations, he’s not about to have a full-on heart-on-heart here, so he just nods in a finalizing manner.

“I look forward to facing you again.”

The words hold no malice, none of that venomous emotional baggage Oikawa has been carrying around with him for so long, and the poison that has seeped into his veins right off his father’s tongue is now long detoxified.

He turns around and walks away. There’s lots of unspoken things lingering between them still, but Oikawa can’t bring himself to say them out loud, not yet, maybe never. 

Maybe Kageyama heard the gossip of the court hearing, maybe he put some of it together himself, but Oikawa is not close enough to him to explain himself for what he did, why he did all of it, and maybe the younger boy deserves and explanation, an apology, but Oikawa is still healing and just because he is getting better doesn’t mean he can just unload on what could just as well be a stranger. Especially when there’s still so much he hasn’t figured out himself yet.

He still hopes Kageyama understands his intentions, though, and that he takes those words for what they are, a peace offering.

And as he walks away, Kageyama answers. “I look forward to it to,” he pauses for a second as if considering something, but it doesn’t take him too long before he adds, “Oikawa-senpai.”

Oikawa doesn’t look back, but he’s surprised his knees don’t give out under him before he reaches Iwaizumi and can hold onto his shoulder for support. His throat most definitely doesn’t feel too tight either.

The party is amazing.

The coaches leave after a while, leaving the students to themselves - of course not without warning them not to do anything too stupid. A year ago, the whole situation might have been weird, but after the accident and all the joint practices, the members of both teams have found friends in each other and even when practices went back to being at each respective school, everyone stayed in contact. 

Oikawa never thought this would happen, but he has to admit he’s grown fond of the other team. Of course, he’s not suddenly best friends with everyone, but it would be a lie to say he doesn’t spend a lot more time with Sawamura and Suga, and there even has been the occasional movie night at his place.

During these movie nights, Oikawa kept a close eye on the two Karasuno captains and his assumptions only seems to gain solid ground with every time. The way Sawamura stares at Suga whenever he thinks nobody is watching, how his face lights up when Suga laughs, how his hand reaches out instinctively when Suga startles because Oikawa somehow managed to get them all to watch an alien movie full of jump scares.

By now, Oikawa is a hundred percent sure Karasuno’s captain is head over heels for his vice, and he already has Suga’s confession, so of course he needs to do something about it. And what could be a better opportunity than a party where Makki and Mattsun are present?

When Iwaizumi gets up to get some more punch, Oikawa excuses himself and jumps up as well, leaving the table where they have been sitting with some of the others, Sawamura and Suga included.

“Iwa-chan,” Oikawa says in a sing-song voice. “I have an idea.”

Iwaizumi groans and fills up his glass at the punch bowl. It’s with strawberries, Oikawa’s favorite, and of course non-alcoholic since none of them are of age yet.

“I don’t like it already.”

Oikawa gasps, offended. “I didn’t even tell you yet!”

“Yeah, but I don’t like your tone.”

“First of all, rude. Second, I need you to be in on this because it won’t work otherwise.”

With a resigned sigh, Iwaizumi closes the lid of the punch bowl and turns around so he’s facing Oikawa again. “Spit it out.”

A wide grin spreads on Oikawa’s face. “So, you know how Suga and his beloved captain have been dancing around each other forever?” They’ve talked about this before, so he knows Iwaizumi is on the same page as him on that topic, at least.

“So?”

“Well, I’ve just been thinking that Makki and Mattsun have been quite the matchmakers lately.”

Iwaizumi frowns. “You wanna tip those idiots off?”

“No, I want you to. They’d never listen to me.”

Another groan. “So you also want me to be responsible?”

“You can blame it all on me if it backfires. Which it won’t. Look at these two, they’re basically eye-fucking again, and if they don’t get a move on before graduating, they never will.”

It’s true, Suga is currently telling a story to the rest of the group, and everyone is listening but nobody’s eyes are as glued to Suga’s lips as Sawamura’s. It’s kind of excruciating to watch so Oikawa really needs to do something about it, and now that he mentioned it, he also needs something to take his mind off of graduation. 

They haven’t talked about it a whole lot, but the thought of being hundreds of kilometers away from each other still looms over their heads, and they both know it, but Iwaizumi was so busy studying day and night and Oikawa was still figuring stuff out, so there hasn’t been any occasion to bring up the topic. They need to do it, of course, and soon, but right now Oikawa just wants to forget about it. This is supposed to be a happy day, and he can’t be happy if he thinks about being so far away from his boyfriend for what might be years. It’s not like they wouldn’t be able to see each other at all, but- No. He really needs to think about something else now or he’ll just drive himself crazy.

Iwaizumi sighs again, and Oikawa knows he has won.

“Alright. I’ll give Makki a hint. But I’m not pressing anything if he doesn’t pick up on it.”

“Yes,” Oikawa cheers and pecks Iwaizumi on the cheek. It’s an instinctive reaction, and only when it’s already done does he realize how good it feels to be able to do all this freely and in public. It’s not like they were trying to hide it before, but still, being out in the open is an amazing feeling. Iwaizumi is probably thinking about something similar considering the lack of snarky answers he is giving. Instead, he walks over to Makki who is standing near the cake talking to Nishinoya and Tanaka of Karasuno.

Grinning widely, Oikawa strolls back to the table where Suga just finished his story and everyone is laughing. He plops down on the bench next to Mattsun and Azumane Asahi, the other third year besides Sawamura and Suga.

“What are you all smiley about?” Suga asks when he’s seated and reaches for his glass.

“Probably something his boyfriend said,” Mattsun stresses, and Suga looks a bit surprised, as do several other people at the table. Kuroo just grins, looking very self-satisfied since he takes credit for giving them the nudge in the right direction. They told him not too long ago and he almost flipped his shit and was close to driving up to Miyagi just to celebrate, but his aunt stopped his antics just in time.

Suga cocks his head curiously. “Really now?”

“Yep,” Oikawa grins. “Thanks for bragging in my stead, Mattsun.”

“You made us wait for weeks to find out, you bet your ass I’m telling everyone that’ll listen so at least I can still claim to be one of the first people who knew.”

“How long have you two been together?” Sawamura asks.

“Ah, a few weeks. We wanted to sort things out first before telling everyone, but I think we’re all settled now.”

Mattsun and Makki checked with them before to confirm it was cool to tell other people, and Oikawa knew they would keep their mouths shut if Iwaizumi and he told them to do so, but he doesn’t mind them telling. Hell, he wants the entire world to know that Iwaizumi is his boyfriend.

“Congratulations,” Sawamura says, and Azumane and Suga join in.

“Thank you,” Oikawa says and glances back to Iwaizumi, who is talking to Makki now, and apparently Nishinoya and Tanaka have joined the conversation in a very lively manner. Oh, that looks good. Suga is smiling, totally oblivious to what’s coming and Oikawa almost feels bad for him. Almost.

They keep chatting for a bit until Iwaizumi finally comes back over, Makki, Nishinoya and Tanaka trailing behind. For a moment, Oikawa thinks it might be too obvious by the way Nishinoya is grinning, but nobody seems to take notice of it so it’s probably not as obvious to everyone that this grin is different from the usual one the libero wears.

Iwaizumi sits back down next to Oikawa, expression as unfazed as ever and Oikawa takes his hand. “We were just talking about you.”

The response is a frown. “Oh yeah?”

“Mhm,” Suga says and moves over so Makki can sit down beside him. Oh, this is going to be good. “We were just told you are officially together now.”

As on cue, Makki chimes up, “Yeah, the captain with vice captain dynamic seems to be really popular nowadays.”

Oikawa has to hold back a snort and he quickly grabs his glass to conceal his smile by drinking a few sips. 

Azumane next to him doesn’t catch on at all, and he asks, “Oh yeah? I can’t think of anyone else right now.”

At this point, Oikawa notices that Sawamura and Suga are suddenly very busy with organizing the mess of glasses on the table.

“Not yet maybe,” Makki says with a shit-eating grin, and Suga’s gaze meets Oikawa’s and then there’s understanding in his eyes. His brows furrow and he glares at Oikawa, which only makes the latter smile wider.

The conversation drifts away from the topic again, talking about how Oikawa and Iwaizumi finally got together, but Makki and Mattsun keep up their jabs, and when Sawamura stands up and asks Suga if he should bring him something to drink too, both Nishinoya and Tanaka make a loud “aw” sound at the same time.

Sawamura eyes them suspiciously. “What’s up with you two?”

But they just sit up straighter and shake their heads. “Nothing, nothing.”

Sawamura leaves, and Suga waits a few seconds before turning to Oikawa. “Do you have something you want to tell me?”

“No?” Oikawa says with the most innocent smile he can muster up, and almost the entire table snickers – minus Azumane and Kuroo who aren’t in on it yet, and Iwaizumi who was on the receiving end of all this teasing a few weeks ago and apparently doesn’t think it’s half as funny as the rest of them do.

“Really now? All of you?” Suga hisses and his cheeks start to turn slightly pink.

“What’s going on?” Azumane asks, and Nishinoya leans over to whisper something in his ear. “Oh.”

Suga groans and puts his head in his hands. “I can’t believe you. I swear, one more of those comments and I’ll get up and leave.”

“No, you wouldn’t,” Oikawa whines, but Suga just glares up at him from under the hair that’s falling into his eyes.

“This isn’t funny.”

“Beg to differ,” Makki snickers, and Oikawa didn’t even know that Suga could look so murderous. But then Sawamura makes his way back to the table, and he straightens up immediately, smile back on his face.

“It’s getting late,” Sawamura says as he sits down. “Did I hear right when our first-years told us we’ll be sleeping here?”

“Yeah,” Mattsun answers. “Apparently Kunimi’s grandmother gave him the okay to use the house, so we’ll have one giant sleepover.”

“Awesome!” Kuroo chimes in. “I can tell my aunt now that I will not be sleeping on the streets then, she’s been blowing up my phone about it for the last hour.”

“Did you just drive up here without knowing where you would sleep?” Iwaizumi asks incredulously.

“Kinda? I mean, I’m planning to surprise-visit Yuuji tomorrow, so in case of an emergency I could have just gone to his place tonight. Or I would have crashed on Oikawa’s couch, unless you wanted some alone time with your boyfriend of course. Worst case, I would have slept in the car.”

“Unbelievable.”

“If that’s ever the case, I have a free bed too,” Suga chimes in, and that is about the worst thing he could have said. Judging from his expression, he knows that himself before he even shuts his mouth.

Kuroo’s grin widens, seemingly he picked up on the mission earlier. “That’s too kind Sugawara-san, but I wouldn’t want to disturb you either.”

“A free bed, hm?” Makki muses while half the table snickers again and Suga’s face is gaining more and more color.

“What is it with you guys today?” Sawamura asks. “Did you spike the punch after all? There’s minors here, you know.”

“There’s nothing in the punch,” Oikawa assures him. “Just a tad of idiocy and love in the air.”

“Well, that describes you just perfectly,” Suga deadpans, and the whole table gasps, Oikawa included.

“Rude, Suga-san! Aren’t you supposed to have good manners, being team mum and all?”

“Your boyfriend would know all about that, maybe he can teach you some since you are seriously lacking.”

Damn, still waters run deep. Oikawa isn’t offended though, not in the least, he knows he totally deserves being insulted right now so he just chuckles. Maybe he would call the whole thing off if he could, but now that Makki and Mattsun are on the case, there’s no backing out. Sawamura squints at him, apparently still trying to figure out what the hell is going on, but he’s interrupted by Kuroo.

“Oh, you know what this party is still missing?” Several pairs of eyes turn to him and he grins widely, a malicious glint in his eyes. “A game of spin the bottle!”

Some of them cheer, Oikawa himself included, and Suga positively looks like he’s about to faint any second. Poor guy.

“Yo,” Kuroo yells over to the other table where the other sit and starts shouting over their plans for playing spin the bottle.

“I don’t know, guys,” Iwaizumi starts, apparently taking pity in Suga, but Makki and Mattsun are having none of it

“Come on, Iwa-san, loosen up a little! And don’t worry, we won’t force your boyfriend to kiss anyone.”

And sure enough, not soon after, they’re all sitting in a circle on the grass, the lanterns shining their light on them and a glass bottle on a piece of carton from one of the presents earlier before them. Oikawa is sitting next to Iwaizumi and Kuroo, and he can see Suga next to Sawamura across from them. Suga is glaring daggers at him whenever Sawamura isn’t looking, and it probably isn’t helping that Mattsun and Makki are sitting left and right from them. Oikawa just smiles innocently.

It’s a good thing the coaches already left, because Oikawa can tell this is going to be chaos.

“Okay,” Makki takes the lead and crawls into the middle to the bottle. “Before we start, we should just lay down some ground rules. We’re not gonna do the kissing game, obviously – don't look so disappointed, I know we all wanted to smooch Iwaizumi at some point of our lives, but he’s taken now.”

Everyone laughs, and Makki continues, grinning. “So I propose we play this like truth or dare. The spinner announces either a question or a task before they spin, and the person the bottle points to either has to answer or do the task.”

Mattsun adds, “If the task is shit like kissing someone or something that makes you really uncomfortable, you can opt out by choosing to answer a question instead, but that’s really just for emergencies, otherwise it’s boring. And you can’t back out of questions.”

“Yeah, just keep that in mind when it’s your time to spin, this is supposed to be fun and all.” Makki claps his hand. “So, who’s gonna start?”

“The one who’s asking,” Oikawa chirps, and Makki’s grin turns deadly. 

“Alright, if that’s what you want. Whoever the bottle turns too has to sit on Iwaizumi’s lap for the next three spins.”

Everyone starts laughing at that, except for Iwaizumi who is rolling his eyes.

“Makki,” Oikawa chuckles, “are you using this game just to hit on my boyfriend?”

Makki shrugs. “Why not seize the opportunity when it presents itself? Alright, here goes.”

He spins the bottle just as Iwaizumi grumbles, “Do I even get a say in this?”, but he is either ignored or met with shaking heads. The bottle slowly comes to a halt, and when it does, it points in Iwaizumi’s direction... but no, not quite.

Kuroo starts laughing and drapes himself over Iwaizumi’s lap, tilting his head back and grinning up at Oikawa. “Yo, I’m stealing your man.”

Oikawa sticks out his tongue in response. “Good luck with that. And it’s your time to spin.”

“Mh, spin for me,” Kuroo drawls. “I am not allowed to leave here for the next three rounds.” He looks up at Iwaizumi who just meets his eyes with an exasperated stare, but they all know by now how absolutely smitten Kuroo is with Terushima, so there’s not a single ounce of doubt that this is anything but a joke.

Oikawa crawls into the middle towards the bottle, just as Kuroo says, “Whoever the bottle points to has to tell us about their most awkward date.” 

The bottle turns and stops at Azumane, who rubs his neck and chuckles nervously before telling them the story of how he once had a date with a girl who somehow had confused him for an biracial Australian exchange student and he didn’t have the heart to tell her, but eventually of course the truth came out.

“Oh my god, people thought Oikawa was biracial too for weeks,” Mattsun exclaims, and Yahaba groans.

“I almost forgot about the hanger incident.”

Several pairs of confused eyes land on Oikawa, and Nishinoya repeats, “The hanger incident?”, but Oikawa just waves it off. 

“It’s nothing. Azumane-san, it’s your turn.”

They go on like this for several rounds.
Tanaka has to tell them if he ever had a run-in with the police, and he answers that he once got into trouble because he was play fighting with Nishinoya and they took it a bit too far and unfortunately, there had been police officers around.
Hinata has to let himself be given a new hairstyle, and minutes later his orange hair looks even more ridiculous than before.
Then the bottle points to Kunimi three times in a row, so he has to do two of his own tasks: doing the worm and letting out a string of curses for twenty seconds straight. Oikawa never expected him to have such a foul mouth.

The game goes on and they have plenty of good laughs, especially when Makki announces the next task is that whoever the bottle points to has to take of his shirt, and when the bottle ends up pointing to Iwaizumi, there is a remarkable amount of cheers in response. Iwaizumi is shaking his head in disbelief and Makki is almost losing it with his laughter as he chokes out, “Y-you don’t have to if it makes you uncomfortable.”

“Who says it makes me uncomfortable?” Iwaizumi answers and pulls his Team Mom and Dad shirt over his head in one swift movement. “I’m just worried you lot won’t be able to concentrate anymore.”

This statement is followed by laughter and some wolf-whistles (Oikawa may or not be joining in) and Iwaizumi rolls his eyes again before crawling up to the bottle. “Next person has to kiss the one he thinks is hottest out of all of us.”

And just like that, everyone is silent. Oikawa tries and fails to hold back his grin, because really, who would have thought his Iwa-chan could be so bold - but it certainly was a good tactic of making everyone shut up.

The bottle spins and everyone’s eyes are fixed on it as it goes around and around, slowing down, slowing, stopping... Oikawa follows the direction in which it points with his eyes and his stare lands on Sawamura. Several people let out breaths, some snicker, and Suga looks like he is about ready to die.

“You can choose to answer a question instead,” Iwaizumi reminds him, like the pure soul that he is, but Sawamura just stares at the bottle for a few seconds before he turns to Suga. Suga’s eyes go wide and for a moment neither of them moves.

And then Sawamura leans in and kisses his vice-captain full-on on the lips.

The moment just lasts a split second, but it’s as if he set off an explosive – people start cheering and wolf whistling, Nishinoya and Tanaka loudest of them all, but Sawamura and Suga don’t mind, they’re still staring at each other.

Iwaizumi has taken his place next to Oikawa again and is following the scene in front of him with attentive eyes.

“Well, Iwa-chan, seems like you really started something there,” Oikawa says in a hushed voice, but his boyfriend just shrugs.

“I didn’t start anything, that’s all on them. The bottle could have pointed to anyone.”

The cheers grow louder again, drawing Oikawa’s attention back to Suga and Sawamura, and he lets out a laugh when he sees Suga has grabbed Sawamura by the collar and drawn him in again, their lips moving against each other passionately.

Kuroo sighs. “Ah, young love.”

“We’re literally all the same age,” Iwaizumi deadpans, but Kuroo just waves him off.

When Suga and Sawamura break apart, both of them are grinning like idiots and Oikawa wants to hug the hell out of them, but literally the whole team of Karasuno beat him to it, so he settles for sitting back and watching them with a smile on his face.

“At least Suga won’t want to murder us anymore,” he says and Iwaizumi and Kuroo chuckle.

“Who knows,” Iwaizumi replies, “I still wanted to bang Makki and Mattsun’s heads together even after we started dating.”

“Oh well,” Oikawa drawls and leans his head on his boyfriend’s shoulder, “you’ll protect me, right?”

“Please,” Kuroo interrupts, “the cake was way too good for it to make a reappearance.”

They all laugh and settle back. The game is very obviously over, and Suga is glancing in their direction from time to time, mouthing things that look suspiciously like threats, but the huge grin on his face betrays him.

And as Oikawa watches their rival team crowd around their captains like that, laughing and congratulating and joking around, he realizes that he feels much more at ease than he has in a long time. There’s no constant pressure to be on his guard, and even when he looks at Kageyama who is actually making an expression that could resemble a smile, for the first time there is no poisonous shock running through his veins. Just calmness.

Volleyball has always been an important part of his life as long as he can remember, and it has shaped him in many ways, but he never realized that the malice his father poisoned him with has had such a huge influence. He doesn’t remember when his passion became an obsession, or when that obsession turned toxic. When it took over his life, when it started affecting his relationships with people, and most importantly, when he started to antagonize people like they were threatening his life.

He still loves the sport with a passion, and he doesn’t know how to let go of some of those very strong feelings he has about it. Maybe he never will. But if there’s one thing he has learned in the past few months, it’s that there’s things that are way more important.

And being surrounded by so much laughter is definitely a good thing to strive for.

A few hours later, they clear away the plates and remnants of cake and retreat into the house. There’s a huge living room on the ground floor, and coach has provided them all with futons and sleeping backs so they’ll all be sleeping together in the same room, which means, of course, that they will never go to sleep because a room full of teenage boys down for gossiping will never quiet down, no matter the time.

Since none of the third years knew about the party and the sleepover, the rest of the boys provide them with the basic bathroom stuff and sleeping clothes – which turns out to be quiet hilarious, because none of the Seijoh first and second years have anything that even remotely fits their third years.
Mattsun gets one of Kindaichi’s shirts which fits well enough, though both Makki and Oikawa have to settle for shirts that ride up their torso with every movement, but neither of them care. With Iwaizumi, height isn’t really the problem, but his shoulders are so broad that he doesn’t fit into any of the shirts, so he opts for the one the team gifted him earlier. It’s a beautiful sight, seeing him sit amidst the sea of futons while his shirt proclaims him Team Mom and Dad. He looks like a mother duck surrounded by ducklings, but Oikawa is smart enough to bite back that comment before he can earn himself a punch to the face.

When everyone is ready for bed, exactly no one settles on their own futons, but instead they opt for pushing them all together and creating one huge mattress so they can all sit together. Oikawa grabs a blanket and cuddles up with Iwaizumi.

It feels a little weird still to be in this situation with the entire Karasuno team present, but he finds it doesn’t bother him as much as he thought it would, even though a few months ago he never would have thought he’d ever see Kageyama in his pajamas sitting next to the orange-haired shrimp – Hinata, he corrects himself - with not even a hint of tension in the air.

It would be a lie to say he feels a hundred percent confident about this since sleeping in front of people he isn’t too close to isn’t something he likes to do, but firstly he has Iwaizumi with him, and secondly, he doesn’t really think much sleeping will happen this night anyways. Plus, they dimmed the light so nobody will see if his hair starts transforming into the usual messy bedhead. He really envies Kuroo for the ability to pull off that look.

They talk about everything and anything, school gossip, volleyball, and private matters too. It stings a bit when Kuroo teases the other team by declaring Nekoma will crush them during nationals should they meet there, but Oikawa finds it’s a more bittersweet feeling rather than a venomous one.

He does seize the opportunity to say something, though.

“You know, you can worry about nationals all you want, but if I were you I wouldn’t forget what comes after. Because even if you win nationals, there’s always the season after that. And I can already say to whoever will be your next captain...” His eyes instinctively find the black-haired second year, Ennoshita Chikara, and by the way the younger one inclines his head just slightly, he can tell that he made the right guess, “...you better prepare your team. This season, you might have been better, but next year you’ll be up against these guys,” he points to Seijoh’s younger members,  “and believe me when I say they’ll be more than ready to kick your asses.”

Ennoshita meets his gaze. His expression is serious, though there’s a certain spark in his eyes, and after a few seconds they both grin at each other.

“Was that a threat, Oikawa-san?”

 “No.” He cocks his head. “It was a promise.”

The tension crackles in the air, but it’s not a bad feeling, nor is it hostile. It’s more exciting than anything, and judging by the grins on everyone’s faces, they all feel the same.

For the first time in his life, Oikawa Tooru experiences what healthy rivalry feels like, and he makes a vow to himself to remember it for when he joins the college team.

The tension eases, everyone laughs, and slowly the lively conversations start up again. But Iwaizumi’s hand finds Oikawa’s and squeezes, he returns the gesture, leaning into his boyfriend and inching as close as he can, and as they sit there and listen to the chatter, they both know that yet another one of Oikawa’s demons has been put to rest.

"Records spinning, we don't notice
Fill this room with memories
Everybody's chasing something
But we got everything we need”

(Wasted Nights - One OK Rock)

Chapter Text

"Looking back, I see a setting sun
And watch my shadow fade into the floor
I am left standing on the edge
Wondering how we got this far
(How we got this far)"

(Kids In The Dark - All Time Low)

“Iwa-chan, what the hell are we doing here?” Oikawa demands, pressing his face to the car window.

When Iwaizumi picked him up in the early morning, he didn’t even say where they were going, just told him to prepare for a longer trip, and he would not budge even a little when Oikawa kept nagging with his questions. They drove for several hours, and at some point, Oikawa could make out by the road signs that they were headed to Tokyo, but that still didn’t explain why Iwaizumi was taking him there.

Now they are parked in front of a huge apartment building, and Iwaizumi is busy sorting some things in his bag.

“Iwa-chan!” Oikawa demands, and his boyfriend growls in response.

“Shut up, Shittykawa. It’s a surprise, so don’t be so nosy.”

Pouting, Oikawa turns back to the window and scans the building. “Are we visiting Kuroo?” But this isn’t where Kuroo lives, unless he moved and didn’t tell Oikawa about it, which is unlikely.

“Shut up and get out of the car,” Iwaizumi answers, undoing his own seatbelt and opening the door. They head over to the building, and to Oikawa’s surprise, instead of ringing one of the doorbells Iwaizumi pulls out a key.

“What? Do you have a secret hideout?” He narrows his eyes. “Iwa-chan, are you a super hero? Or wait...” He gasps. “You’re not trying to pull some Fifty Shades of Grey move on me, are you?”

“If you don’t shut the hell up this instant, we’ll just drive back home and I’ll never tell you what this is about,” Iwaizumi growls, and Oikawa snaps his mouth shut, though he pouts demonstratively.

They enter the building and Iwaizumi leads him to the elevator – he knows his way around, Oikawa notices – and they ride up to the eigth floor. There, Iwaizumi uses another key to open one of the apartment doors, and a few moments later they are standing in the empty living room of a rather big flat with a huge window letting in lots of light and giving them a good view over Tokyo. There is absolutely nothing in here, no furniture, no decoration, nothing.

“Okay?” Oikawa asks and looks around curiously. “Are you gonna tell me what this is now?”

“Yes,” Iwaizumi says and drops his bag to the floor, pulling out a big envelope. “This apartment belongs to my uncle. He moved to America a few years back and rented it out, but the people living here moved out again a few months ago.”

Oikawa still can’t connect any dots. “Okay. So?”

“So,” Iwaizumi continues. “Before renting it out again, he called my mom and asked if I would need it.”

There was a little pang in Oikawa’s chest. It was considerate of Iwaizumi’s uncle, but since Iwaizumi had plans for Osaka, he probably wouldn’t... wait.

“You’re not trying to give this to me, are you? This apartment is huge, Iwa-chan, I could never pay for it!”

Iwaizumi rolls his eyes and holds out his hand, offering the envelope to Oikawa. “Stop assuming shit and read this.”

Furrowing his eyebrows, Oikawa takes it. It opens easily, so it has been open before, and he takes out the document inside and starts to read. It soon becomes clear that this is a university acceptance letter.

He pauses, rereading the sentences over and over again.

It’s a university acceptance letter. Confirming enrollment in the sports medicine course.

Addressed to Iwaizumi Hajime.

In Tokyo.

Oikawa’s throat closes up and he looks up from the letter, looks up to his boyfriend who is wearing a soft smile on his face.

“Iwa-chan...” he croaks out, “is this what I think it is?”

Iwaizumi comes closer and takes the letter back, throwing it into his bag on the floor and taking Oikawa’s hands into his instead. “I’m going to study here in Tokyo, too,” he says, smiling up at Oikawa. “I received the acceptance letter a few days ago.”

His knees feel so weak that Oikawa is sure they’re going to give out, so he squeezes Iwaizumi’s hands to steady himself. “W-why didn’t you tell me earlier? You never even said you applied for Tokyo University.”

“I didn’t want to get your hopes up,” Iwaizumi replies, arm sneaking around Oikawa’s waist, pulling him closer. “I worked really hard to push my grades up, but I wasn’t sure it would be enough, so I didn’t want you to hope for something that might not happen.”

Of course, all the all-nighters, the relentless hours upon hours of studying... Iwaizumi had always been a hard worker, but these last few weeks, he had really been pushing it. Oikawa had taken notice, but somehow he had failed to connect the dots.

“You idiot,” he sniffles. What was he thinking, springing huge news like these on him? “I might have had a heart attack! You gotta at least give me a heads up!” Then he remembers where they are. “Wait... wait wait wait, Iwa-chan, what are we doing here?”

Iwaizumi looks around as if he just remembered himself, and something in his gaze shifts. “Um... you know, my uncle put the apartment on hold as long as I didn’t have any answer from the university. And now that I was accepted, he’s... he gave it to me.”

Oikawa can’t believe his ears. This apartment belongs to Iwaizumi?!

“Well, I mean, he didn’t give it to me entirely,” Iwaizumi hastily adds. “I’m paying for electricity and water and all that, and a small amount of rent, too, though it’s basically nothing compared to what apartments cost around here.”

“That’s... I don’t even know what to say,” Oikawa says, and he isn’t lying, he’s completely dazzled. If he has any sense of orientation, the university isn’t too far from here, meaning the dorms aren’t either, meaning he’s going to study in the same city as his boyfriend, barely a five minute car ride apart! Considering he had prepared for something more like over five hours, the new information almost knocks the breath out of him. “This is really amazing!”

But Iwaizumi shakes his head, eyes focused on Oikawa’s shoulder more than his face.

“I’m not done!”

“Oh gods,” Oikawa replies. “One more big announcement like that and you’re gonna have to carry me out of here.”

Iwaizumi scratches his neck with the hand that isn’t wrapped around Oikawa’s waist.

“Um... heads-up, then, I guess? You see, this apartment is huge.”

“It sure is!” Oikawa says and looks around. “You are really lucky, Iwa-chan! I’ll probably camp out here more than in my dorm room.”

“That’s what this is about, actually. This apartment is huge,” Iwaizumi repeats, "and I think it would be a waste if only one person moves in.”

Oh gods. Oh gods, it finally dawns on Oikawa what he means.

“Iwa-chan...”

Iwaizumi’s eyes finally find Oikawa’s.

“Tooru, would you... would you consider moving in with me?”

Oikawa Tooru has been through many shocks in his life. Hell, he was hit by a goddamn truck on the highway, but he’s sure that even that doesn’t compare to the shockwaves that are ringing through his body now.

When he doesn’t respond right away, Iwaizumi squeezes his waist slightly and starts mumbling, “It’s totally fine if you don’t want to, I mean, I get that we’re still young and all, and if you wanna stay at the dorms to connect with people or whatever I totally get that too. Or any reason, really, if you’re not comfortable with this-”

“Iwa-chan,” Oikawa interrupts him, breathless, but at least he found his voice again.

Iwaizumi stops his rambling and looks up at him with a questioning look. Oikawa can’t get his thoughts into order, there’s words and emotions tumbling around in his brain and he can’t even begin to try and grasp them, so instead he acts on pure instincts and grabs Iwaizumi by his neck, smashing their lips together.

Iwaizumi freezes for a split second before both his arms find their way around Oikawa and he pulls him closer, kissing him back.

They stay like this for a while, making sense of complicated feelings by simply uniting their very souls, no words needed anymore, and Oikawa feels so happy he fears he might burst from it.

A few minutes later, Iwaizumi pulls back a bit. “Are you crying?”

“S-shut up,” Oikawa sniffles and rubs his shoulder against his face to get rid of the tears that are rolling down his cheeks. “You can’t spring something like that on me and not expect me to get emotional. This is the happiest day of my life, you ass.”

It’s as if a tension leaves Iwaizumi’s shoulders, and he smiles again. “I’ll take that as a yes then?”

“I told you this before, take it as a hell yes, dammit.”

“Sorry,” Iwaizumi chuckles and kisses him again, softly this time. Oikawa can’t will his tears to stop, but so what if he’s crying, he’s allowed to cry, the guy he’s been in love with for all his life just asked him to move in together!

When they pull apart, Oikawa wipes at his eyes and looks around.  The living room they’re standing in is spacious and bright thanks to the huge window front, and the doorway to the kitchen is open so it’s almost like it’s one room.

“Shit, Iwa-chan, you must have collected tons of good karma to be this lucky!”

Iwaizumi snorts and ruffles Oikawa’s hair. “Of course, I have to deal with you every day after all, someone up there must have felt bad for me.”

“Rude! You are the one who just asked me to move in!”

They grin at each other. The atmosphere is way too happy for their bickering to have any trace of bite.

“So, when is this happening? Oh my god, does Kuroo know we’re all going to be here in Tokyo? He’s gonna flip shit!”

“He doesn’t know yet,” Iwaizumi grins, "but I can’t wait to see his face once we tell him. And well, we can move in as soon as we want, I guess? I figured you’d want to sort stuff out with your own apartment first, I don’t know if you want to keep it or...”

Oikawa considers this for a moment. He knows why Iwaizumi is saying this, and he appreciates that his boyfriend wants him to have the chance to back out, but he decides he’s done with always having to keep a backdoor open. He’s serious about this relationship, and he doesn’t need an escape route. Not with Iwaizumi, never with him.

“That would be wasted money. If we go home over holidays, you’ll parents will have to host.”

Iwaizumi laughs. “I think they prefer it like that, anyways. Mom is always trying to get you to stay instead of going to your own apartment.”

“It’s almost like she thinks I can’t take care of myself. Weird.”

“Yeah, I really wonder what gave her that impression. Anyways,” Iwaizumi takes his hand, “do you want to grab some coffee together? We can ring Kuroo up and ask if he’s around, he only lives like fifteen minutes from here.”

“Sounds good,” Oikawa beams and takes a last look around. “Gods, this is going to be so amazing!”

“Until we both start annoying the hell out of each other,” Iwaizumi replies and looks the door behind them as they step outside. “But since it’s a three-room apartment, we can have our own rooms so we won’t strangle each other after three weeks.”

“So romantic, Iwa-chan.”

“Shut up.”

They go down in the elevator with their hands locked tightly together, and Oikawa lets himself dream about the future for a bit. Going down the elevator like this, going to university, together, going grocery shopping, together.
If he thinks about it, there won’t be as much change as it feels. After all, he’s been living alone for years now, and Iwaizumi was always there, so in a way they’re already used to this domestic life.

But back then he moved out because of the need to get away from where he was. Now they’re getting this apartment simply to be together, and that’s one hell of a difference to Oikawa, because he’ll know they belong there, that this is theirs, and nobody will take this away from them. He’s so happy and the feeling is thrumming through his whole body, every vein, and he doesn’t remember the last time he felt so content, so completely at peace and yet excited for what’s to come. 

He can feel an emotion rise in his throat, one that has been there for a long time, but that has never been spoken out loud. This is the time, he realizes, this is the right moment for it, he can say it now, he needs to say it.

“Hajime?” The first name rolls off his tongue by instinct, and his boyfriend looks at him questioningly, and as if he knows what Oikawa is about to say, he draws closer.

“Yeah?”

“I love you,” Oikawa whispers, but his voice is steady as ever. “I love you,” he repeats, louder, and Iwaizumi’s eyes widen, then go soft and he puts his hand on Oikawa’s cheek.

“I love you too.”

The elevator beeps and comes to a halt, but neither of them notice as they lean in and lips press together, hands find each other. They’ve kissed a lot in these last months, but this moment is entirely different, it’s new and exciting and beautiful.

And as they stand there in this elevator, in this new house, this new city, Oikawa realizes he’ll always be at home by Iwaizumi’s side.

No words are spoken as they break apart, because none could possibly capture this moment, this feeling, and that’s okay, they’re way past the need to verbally express their thoughts for the other to understand.

It’s raining when they step outside, but Oikawa’s smile shines brightly, and so do Iwaizumi’s eyes.

They look each other and smile.

Oikawa knows there is no real perfection in life. There will be new challenges and obstacles and struggles they face. They’ve been through so much, and they’re still healing, but the fact alone that he is able to feel so happy like he does in this moment proves him that it’s okay. They’re not broken in any way, a bit battered maybe, but who the hell isn’t? They’re here, they’re alive, they’re healthy and happy. What more could he want?

“Iwa-chan, let’s get some milk bread with that coffee.”

Iwaizumi rolls his eyes, but grips his hand a bit tighter. “Whatever, Shittykawa. Let’s get going.”

They walk back to the car, and Oikawa takes a deep breath, letting the city air sink in. Life will be different here. And Iwaizumi, like always, will be his constant through it all. Because no matter how much changes, if it’s getting hit by a truck, his past coming back to haunt him or nightmares keeping him awake at night, no matter if they move apart or stay together.

No matter who they are, if it’s the grand king and the warrior, the setter and his ace, the captain and the vice, Oikawa and Iwaizumi, Tooru and Hajime...

Whoever they are, and whoever they will become, there’s one thing that’s for sure:

They’ll always be together.

THE END

"Stay here with me, let what I am
Let it speak more, more than words
They can't compete with
It's always been you and me"

(Repeating Apologies - Of Mice & Men)