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Ronan saw the storm approaching before he heard it.
He was in the back field at The Barns, walking the fence line to check for breaks where the cattle (both dreamed and naturally occurring) might get out. He watched the dark clouds forming, and breathed in the electrified air. It was going to be a fucking amazing storm.
Walking back to the house, he thought about the night before him. He could camp out here, enjoy the solitude and the storm, or he could head back to Monmouth and get pulled into whatever esoteric historical mystery Gansey was currently obsessing over. Or he could go to Adam.
Adam.
Ronan sighed and kicked off his boots as he reached the back door. He desperately wanted to get in the BMW and drive straight to Adam. He knew he'd be getting off from work soon. But he also knew it would be another night sleeping on the hard floor beside him. Lying there so close, but so far away. Closing his eyes and reaching out with his mind: I'm here. Just give me a sign. Let your hand fall from the mattress. Show me you feel this too. Please.
He just didn't know if he had it in him tonight. Why was he torturing himself like this? Adam had never -- never-- given him any sign that he thought of him as more than a friend. Why was he still showing up on his doorstep? Sleeping on his floor?
But what was the alternative? Stopping? The idea was absurd. Ronan would always show up wherever Adam was because he...needed to. There wasn't another option. It hurt to acknowledge it, but there it was. Ronan was toast.
He pulled the dirty tank top over his head and headed to the bathroom to wash away the day's work. His phone pinged in his back pocket. He grabbed at it intending to throw it across the room but saw it was a text from Gansey.
Power's out here at Monmouth. Heading over to check on Blue. Hope you're OK at The Barns. CALL ME IF YOU NEED ANYTHING. SERIOUSLY RONAN.
Ronan tossed the phone on his bed. He wasn't worried about the power at The Barns. He was pretty sure it was dream-based, though if you asked him to locate the source he'd be hard-pressed.
He got in the shower and let the cool water wash over him. It had been oppressively hot for weeks in Henrietta. He thought of Adam. If Monmouth's power was out, it was likely that St. Agnes had also gone dark. Without a fan it would be awful in Adam's little apartment. And in the dark he wouldn't be able to get any work done, and Ronan know that would drive him up the fucking wall. He sighed. He knew what the rest of his night looked like.
***
The drive to St. Agnes was awful. Ronan could barely see through the windshield. He drove the country roads largely by instinct and memory. As he pulled into the church parking lot he looked up at Adam's window. It was open, but the apartment was dark. Adam was probably up there gnashing his teeth about the calculus homework he couldn't finish.
Ronan threw on the parking brake and sat there, gathering his thoughts. He was second-guessing what he had brought. Was it too much? Would Adam resent the gift? Would he turn him away? He lay his head down on the steering wheel. He wished things were simpler between them. He wished that Adam could see how he felt about him, could understand that he would give him anything -- anything.
Ronan braced himself and got out of the car. It was pouring, but he took a moment to stand in the rain and let it cool him, cool his body, cool his thoughts. He wasn't quite ready to face Adam. He needed to steady himself. To remind himself that Adam was his best friend, and he was here to make his life better and easier, and if he didn't feel the same way about him that wasn't anyone's fault. He could still be his friend. He could.
Lightning lit the sky and roused Ronan to move. Getting struck by lightning because he was mooning about a boy seemed like a truly shit way to die.
Ronan climbed the stairs and knocked on the door to the apartment. The door opened quickly.
Adam smiled and shoved a towel into his arms. Clearly he had seen him coming. Ronan wondered if he'd watched him stand in the rain and what he'd thought of that.
“Thanks Parrish.” Ronan took the towel and put it to his face. It smelled like Adam.
“What are you doing here?” Adam asked, “It’s not fit for man nor beast out there tonight. You’re one of those, right?”
“Maybe both. Depends who you ask." He grinned at Adam, lighting up inside because he'd made him laugh, “When the power went off at Monmouth I figured I should come check on you. I know how scared of the dark you get.”
“Kind of you, Lynch. I’m fine, though.”
Of course he was fucking fine. He was always fine. Adam Parrish was a goddamned island. He needed nothing from anyone, certainly not Ronan Lynch.
“But how will you do your precious homework in the dark, huh? I brought you a present.” Ronan reached into his pocket hesitantly. God he hoped this would be OK.
Adam's smile as the fireflies filled the room filled Ronan with relief. It was OK. He hadn't fucked things up.
Ronan watched Adam's face as his eyes followed the fireflies across the ceiling. He was happy. Ronan let himself watch him. He tried not to let himself stare too often, but he knew that he often did.
Ronan suddenly realized that Adam was staring back. He had a far off look in his eye.
Ronan raised an eyebrow at him, but Adam just kept staring at him. His cheeks were flushed.
“You OK Parrish…? You seem….out of it.” Adam didn't seem like himself. Had he been working too hard? Had something happened with his father?
“Sorry, yeah, m’ fine. Just a long day, and the heat, you know?”
Right, the heat, Ronan relaxed. “Yeah, drink some water, man. You look like shit.”
Adam walked to the sink, “Yeah. Good idea. You want some?”
“Uh, sure. Or I could just suck on my shirt.” Ronan pulled at the sopping wet fabric still clinging to him.
“You can borrow clothes if you want to get out of those, ya know.”
Ronan thought about wearing Adam's clothes and felt his heart pull in his chest, “I’m fine.” He breathed out. “I just wanted to bring you the fireflies so the storm wouldn’t interrupt your power nerding. I know how much you love to feel up your textbooks on a Friday night.”
It was time to escape. He couldn't handle this tonight. Adam was offering him his clothes, but he would just be wearing them on the floor next to his bed while the boy he...he what...? Fuck...this was too much right now.
Ronan strode to the door and grasped the doorknob just as lightning flashed and thunder shook the building.
"Fuck!"
Adam looked amused. “I don’t think you’re going anywhere, Lynch. The storm is right overhead now. It’s dangerous to be out there. Just stay the night.”
Ronan felt something unspool inside of him. There was no escape tonight. He would be pining on the floor once again. But he could go down swinging. “Fine. You gonna entertain me or should I just lie on the floor while you do your thing?”
“Entertain you? I though I was supposed to “power nerd” tonight.”
Ronan loved hearing his words in Adam's mouth. “Well if you’re ordering me to stay, then as my host I think it’s your duty to entertain me.”
Adam rolled his eyes. Ronan loved it. “Fine. First order of business is to get you out of those clothes.”
Ronan's heart stopped. It just stopped.
Adam looked abashed, “I mean, get you into dry clothes so you’re more comfortable.” Adam stared at the floor and shuffled over to his plastic bin of clothes. He reached in and grabbed two pieces out at random.
Ronan felt his entire body flush with heat when he saw what Adam had pulled from the bin. The coca-cola tee shirt. Why did it have to be that fucking shirt? That shirt that had played a role in nearly every dream he had ever had about Adam. He knew the feel of the fabric, warmed by a dream sun, soaked by dream rain, sliding against Adam's hot skin as he pulled it over his head.
Adam held the clothes out to Ronan. “Here. I’m not giving you my underwear. This isn’t Sixteen Candles.”
That pulled Ronan out of his panic spiral. God, Adam could make him laugh.
“I’ll wear the sweats, but I’m not putting on that ridiculous shirt.”
“Fine, be half wet. What do I care.”
“Please, Parrish, like I’m gonna wear a shirt. Even with the breeze coming in, it’s still fucking hot.” Ronan knew he was pushing things, but he also knew he just needed to be out of these wet clothes, and to be out from under Adam's careful gaze for just a minute. He needed to collect himself.
He escaped into the bathroom and slammed the door. OK. Just Breathe, Lynch. This was fine. He stripped out of his wet clothes and pulled on Adam's sweatpants. They were a little bit short, but they were worn thin and soft. Ronan took a moment to think about Adam wearing these same pants, maybe sleeping in them. He pushed his fists into his closed eyes. Get. It. Together.
Ronan pulled the bathroom door open and walked back into the apartment. Adam was still standing by the sink. Adam’s eyes skated over him, widening a bit.
Adam was staring at him.
Ronan stared back.
Adam kept staring.
Ronan did not know what the fuck was going on.
Suddenly Adam whipped around, facing the wall. His fists were clenched.
Ronan truly did not know what the fuck was going on.
But he did know that Adam couldn't even look at him.
“Jesus Parrish. If it bothers you that much I’ll put on a fucking shirt.” He should have just worn the goddamned coca-cola shirt.
Adam didn't say anything. He seemed to be steeling himself. Ronan stared at the floor. He didn't want to know what Adam was preparing to say to him. He knew it couldn't be good. He wrapped his arms around his chest, covering his heart, protecting himself from the inevitable blow.
Ronan heard Adam take a step towards him. And then another. He was right in front of him but he didn't say a word.
Ronan suddenly felt Adam's hand on his cheek. He was moving his thumb against it, softly, so softly. Ronan took in a shuddering breath. His eyes skated up to Adam's face and saw that his eyes were unfocused, his lips parted just a bit.
“Ronan…” he said.
Ronan waited for more. He couldn't jump to conclusions just because Adam was caressing his fucking face? This seemed like a truly fucked up way to let someone down easy.
And then Adam's other hand was on Ronan's stomach. Not moving, just pressed flat against it. Ronan closed his eyes and focused on the feeling of Adam's hands on him, and just tried to keep breathing.
OK, he needed to say something. He needed to figure out what was happening.
“Adam…? What are you… I don’t understand what…” Jesus Christ, Lynch, use your fucking words.
But it turned out he didn't have to.
“I’m sorry” Adam whispered, “I’m sorry it took me so long to understand.”
Adam moved his hand to Ronan's jaw and pulled him closer.
Oh.
Oh.
Adam's other hand was on his chest now, and now on the back of his neck. Ronan couldn't breathe. Adam was close. So close. And then he was closer.
Adam kissed him softly.
As shocked as he was, there was no hesitation. Ronan kissed him back fiercely. Adam's tongue slipped into his mouth and Ronan moaned. Adam's hands were whispering over the back of Ronan's head, and it sent electricity through his body.
Adam took Ronan's bottom lip into his mouth and Ronan made a slightly embarrassing sound. He pressed his fingers into the sinewy muscles of Adam's back. He was so much stronger than he looked. Ronan couldn't believe what was happening. He slid his hands down to Adam's hips and pulled him tight against his body. He needed to be as close as humanly possible. He groaned as he felt Adam's body mold to his own.
Ronan's legs felt weak. He didn't want to be standing anymore, but he also couldn't conceive of letting Adam go. He took a step back, and then another, keeping Adam tight against his body. It hurt him physically to break their kiss and look into Adam's eyes. He didn't want to wake up from whatever dream he was in, but he needed to see Adam. To look in his eyes and see how he looked back at him.
Adam's gaze was heated and sure. Ronan didn't see any hesitancy in his eyes, and he let himself finally take a deep breath. Adam smiled and put his palms on Ronan's chest and gave the slightest push, climbing on top of Ronan's body on the thin mattress. Ronan was pretty sure he must have died.
“Is this OK?” Adam asked quietly.
Ronan closed his eyes against the gentleness in Adam's voice,
“Yes. Fuck. This is more than OK.”
Ronan felt Adam's hands softly touching his chest again and he looked up at him. Adam's eyes swallowed him whole. He saw everything he needed in them. Everything he'd told himself he couldn't have.
“I didn’t think you felt this way,” Ronan heard himself say. The words had been pulled from him; he hadn't meant to speak. He put his hands on top of Adam’s, trying to ground himself. “I hoped…but I didn’t see it when you looked at me.”
“You’re an idiot. We both know that,” Adam grinned.
That little shit. Ronan smiled and pinched Adam's hand. Gently, but still.
Adam looked into Ronan's eyes, “I didn’t totally know I felt this way either. I mean, I did, but I wasn’t ready to know I did yet. You know?”
He supposed he sort of understood. Adam's life was about survival. He didn't have the emotional reserves for a lot of introspection. But Ronan also didn't need them getting distracted unpacking their emotions at that very second.
“No. But right now, I also don’t care. Get back to kissing me, shithead.”
Adam sighed and gazed down at him fondly. Ronan was relieved that they could still be themselves with each other. He'd wanted Adam Parrish for so long that he couldn't remember not wanting him. It felt like an integral piece of who he was. Ronan didn't know what the next morning would bring, but he knew he was exactly where he was supposed to be.