Chapter Text
“I can’t do this bullshit anymore,” Virgil groans storming into the bedroom. Logan looks up from his desk, a pencil tucked behind his ear, papers strewn haphazardly everywhere. Technically, Virgil knows—based off the schedule he agreed to two weeks ago—that this is Logan’s time in the room but he doesn’t want to keep living like this. It was hard when they weren’t speaking, even harder when they ended things, but Logan was still willing to share a space with him. Now, it’s the worst it’s ever been and Virgil feels like a car without wheels. It’s time he put his big boy pants on and just deals with it all. No matter how uncomfortable it makes them.
Logan sighs and looks back to his work, the same callousness he’s been displaying these last couple of weeks all over his face. “This is what we agreed upon.”
Virgil won’t be deterred. His heart’s pounding in his chest, his mind racing with all the negative thoughts Dr. Picani said would try to stop him. But he cares too much to give in. He storms over to Logan’s desk, slamming his hand down on Logan’s papers.
“We agreed to no contact after you decided to end our relationship, this is in direct viola—”
“J-just, shut up and listen,” Virgil commands, covering as much of Logan’s work as possible. He needs to get Logan’s attention fully, which is hard considering how he acts like Virgil doesn’t exist. But if there’s anyone who knows how to command Logan’s attention, it’s Mr. R. These past months without Logan forced Virgil to be closer to Mr. R, and as ridiculous as the man is 98% of the time, he really listens to Virgil and gives him semi-passable advice. Fake it til you make it, mini-emo, confidence always gets their attention. Now’s the time to fake all the bravado he can.
Logan turns in his chair, crossing his arms annoyedly in front of his chest. He sits up, pin straight, both dark jean covered legs pressed into the floor.
Virgil forces himself to straighten, to look Logan in the eyes for the first time in months. Logan doesn’t back down, staring right back. Eyes, Virgil is so used to seeing love in, now seem to only harbor dislike. It takes everything in him to not break down, despite everything, he loves Logan more than he can ever admit. “We have to talk.”
“The only thing I have to do is attend school so my parents are not imprisoned for neglect,” Logan counters.
“You know what I mean,” Virgil says, “Look, I-I know it’s my fault our relationship ended, ok? I know after my parents kicked me out, I became impossible. I get that. But, you won’t even acknowledge me now? Damn near 10 years of friendship, dating for almost a year of that and…and your dad has to tell me things? You hate me that much?”
“I do not hate you.”
“Really? Because if you didn’t hate me, you wouldn’t act like I don’t exist.”
Logan clears his throat, pulling his glasses off his face. Virgil watches as he lifts his glasses cleaner from the desktop and begins to wipe the lenses. “I do not feel anything towards you. Not like, certainly not love, not dislike or hate. Just indifference.”
Virgil shutters slightly, caught completely off guard. Indifference? In all the scenarios he played out in his mind, he never thought Logan felt nothing. He pulls his hand off the desk, instantly shoving both in his hoodie pockets. The bravado from only a mere minutes ago draining rapidly.
“Based off your silence, I would assume you are surprised. Perhaps, I should clarify. I loved and trusted you more than any other person in my entire life for almost all of those years. Despite how many times foster families and adopted families would throw me away, I always had you. It was comforting. You were someone I believed I could not live without, until you forced me to do otherwise.”
“L…”
Logan puts his glasses back on his face, shaking his head and standing in front of Virgil. “You are correct. You ended our relationship; you chose to remove yourself from my life. I have tried, tirelessly, to repair it but you would not allow me to. You threw me away, just as easily as my prior families. And now, that is uncomfortable for you, you wish to discuss our demise.” Logan scoffs. “You did not seem to care when it was uncomfortable for me.”
Virgil has to get a word in. He doesn’t want this to turn into a fight but Logan’s not the only hurt one. “I was going through shit, L,” he hisses, “My parents kicked me out! That’s not something someone just gets over.”
Logan nods. “I know, all too well…”
“No, you don’t!” Virgil counters, his mind finally focusing. He loves Logan, despite his indifference, and he knows Logan does best with all the information, so if this is going to be one of the last times they talk, Virgil’s going to tell him everything. “You have no idea what it’s like for your parents to kick you out because you’re gay. Those assholes that fucked you over…you lived with them at most two years. I lived with mine for 15! I loved them, L. Fuck sakes, I still love them. If Mr. R and Mr. P kicked you out, then yeah, maybe I think you could compare our shitty stories but they’re not the same.”
Virgil watches as Logan takes a couple deep breaths, his eyes closing for a moment. He recognizes the tactics, knows he’s pushed Logan into anger. He’s never been so grateful for Dr. Picani because he’s sure this would turn out to be a nightmare if Logan didn’t learn adequate coping.
“I’m not downplaying what happened to you,” Virgil says softly. Continuing to be so angry with each other is only going to make this harder on both of them, “You’ve been abused in ways I’ll never fully understand not cause I don’t want to but because it’s beyond me, y’know? And I know, I hurt you. I know I was selfish and I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I pulled away from you, but I swear to you, on everything, that I never wanted to leave your life. I didn’t want to break up, I didn’t want to close myself off. I just…did it because…if my parents couldn’t love me, how could you love me so deeply?”
Logan opens his eyes and looks at Virgil, a flash of understanding behind his deep blue eyes.
Does that mean Virgil’s honesty is working? He doesn’t have time to deliberate. He just has to keep going. He has to get it all out but it’s almost harder, being this vulnerable, with Logan staring at him.
“You were—are—the best part of my life. When my parents kicked me out, I kept telling myself I didn’t deserve you. I mean, c’mon, you’re a fucking catch. Handsome, smart, caring, you have pretty cool parents even if I still don’t really get the Sanders Snuggle thing or the pun obsession.” Off track! He’s off track. He shakes his head and drops his eyes, focusing on Logan’s brown shoes.
“Anyway, I thought that breaking up with you was the right thing, that we could be friends because I couldn’t ruin you as badly…” Virgil feels the sadness beginning to take hold, now that the anger’s been expressed and dissipated. It’s overwhelming, really. “Stupid, huh?”
“It definitely is not intelligent.”
Virgil nods. “I know that now. My dumbass needed two months of therapy before I figured that out and by that time…”
“I requested we no longer have contact.”
“Yeah,” Virgil whispers, “And man, I-I…I can’t do it anymore, L. I know you hate me…well, feel nothing for me but god, I love you so much it hurts to fucking breathe sometimes.” Virgil feels the tears begin dripping, watching through blurred vision as they fall to the carpet at his feet. “Y-you don’t have to love me, but…maybe we could work on being friends again?” Virgil can’t believe how desperate he sounds, how drastically everything is from the scenarios he played in his head. “Hell, acquaintances?”
Logan’s silence feels like a sucker punch and Virgil struggles to come up with a way to save them. Maybe, maybe they’re not to be saved. He wipes his face as quickly as he can, hoping Logan doesn’t see, his heart crumbling. Dr. Picani said confronting Logan would be hard, that it wouldn’t feel great but that it would be good in the long run. How could he think this was good?
“Yeah…ok,” Virgil doesn’t look up, just turns and leaves the room. They were truly over. Their friendship, their relationship…everything. All because of him. He ruined them.
Virgil barely makes it to the couch in the living room, before he’s covered his face and is crying as silently as he can manage. He keeps telling himself that it’s ok. That Dr. Picani told him this might happen and that he'll survive it. But right now? Sitting alone in a house that’s not his, with parents that aren’t his, his only friend in the world gone forever, it sure doesn't feel like it.