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Buck’s never had a good example. He’s never really understood what love was, not the Hollywood type, at least. His parents were… not cold, not distant, just not really loving, not in the way it would’ve mattered. They never really showed him how to love, how to tend a loving relationship. The most affection he saw between them was on Christmas Eve when he was 11 and his parents were holding hands as Maddie read a story out loud.
Not that Maddie had a good example either, but at least she made something out of it. She was soft and caring and she found love. She was happy at first, then she got distant before finally disappearing from Buck’s life. A while later, Buck found out why.
But now that Doug is out of the picture and Maddie is actually, genuinely, truly happy with Chim, Buck’s still… lonely. For a while, he thought he found it with Abby, but now, he realises he was in love with the idea of her and what it meant for him. He still cares about her a lot and wishes to see her again, but she’s gone and he has to accept that.
“Buck,” someone says over the headset.
He blinks, dragging his ass back to reality. He just realises he’s been staring out the window of the firetruck since they left the station and probably got a concussion as his head kept bumping against the glass.
“Buck,” that someone says it again, and this time, he realises it’s Eddie speaking to him. “You good?”
Buck looks at him and his heart gets the fluttering feeling it’s been getting for a year now. It’s probably the adrenaline, he keeps telling himself, even though a small part of his mind, the more reasonable part, knows he’s lying. Eddie is looking at him with worry, probably far too much than Buck needs, but nevertheless, Buck appreciates it.
“Yeah, I’m good.”
Eddie gives him another look and he’s just about to say something, but then they get to the location and it’s forgotten.
Buck doesn’t know why he’s been thinking so much about love lately. He hasn’t been going on any dates, he hasn’t met anyone, hell, he hasn’t even had a hookup. But he’s been thinking a lot lately, on his way to work, in the shower, when they’re on their way to a call, apparently. Maybe because he’s around Maddie and Chim, Cap and Athena, Hen and Karen and they all seem so happy and so in love.
He wants that, kind of. It still scares him, the big, red neon sign that says love, but he wants it. Maybe he just needs to suck it up and redownload one of those dating apps. Maybe he’ll find a nice girl, one that doesn’t just want sex. Once Buck would’ve wanted nothing but sex, but he’s growing up (even if Maddie says otherwise).
Still, he’s hesitant. He doesn’t really want that, he’s not in the mood for getting to know someone. He’s currently pretty content with the number of friends he’s got and he doesn’t really feel the need to have a girlfriend. He’s just preoccupied with work, third-wheeling with Maddie and Chim or playing games with Christopher while Eddie’s making dinner for them. (Okay, that happens more often than it probably should, but he’s not complaining.)
A couple of days later, Maddie invites him over for dinner. Buck’s not really in the mood for a lovey-dovey couple, but it’s free food and his sister would give him crap for turning the offer down. So he accepts it and heads over to Chim’s.
To his surprise, he’s not third-wheeling. Maddie’s colleague, Josh, is there, too. All in all, it’s a nice evening, with food and alcohol, they even play a couple of rounds of poker. That is until Maddie brings up his love life again. Well, technically it was Josh, but it prompted a whole conversation.
“If I didn’t know any better,” Josh says as Maddie pours them more wine, “I’d say you were setting us up.”
“Oh no, I like you way too much to set you up with my brother.”
“Uh, hey now,” Buck says, laughing it off, even though he feels it’s fake laughter.
They talk about online dating and then the topic changes, but Buck can’t shake the feeling. He can’t stop thinking about it. Would it be such a bad thing to be set up with Josh? No, Buck likes him, he’s funny and has an infectious smile, but he’s a guy. And Buck’s straight.
He thinks, at least. No, he’s certain. He’s never had a sexuality crisis, never liked anyone other than girls and he’s never been tempted to even look at a guy like that.
Then he thinks about that weird feeling in his chest when he’s with Eddie. He thinks about the fact that whenever Eddie texts him, he smiles, whenever he sends him a picture of Chris, he smiles. He’s never really had a best friend, so it’s just probably a special kind of bond he’s experiencing for the first time.
It’s fine, it’s all fine, he’s just overworked and he probably just needs a good sleep or maybe a good date, who knows, but it’s all in his head.
When he goes home that night, he tries to fall asleep at a reasonable time, but he fails. He’s lying in his bed, staring at the ceiling, feeling fidgety. Everything is just swirling around his head as he tries to make sense of it and it doesn’t help that he keeps hearing Maddie’s voice in his head saying ‘You’re single, poor Buck is single, you just need to find a nice girl.’
With a grunt, he reaches for his phone, deciding it’s time to download Tinder. Again. He just hopes he won’t turn back into the old Buck, the one who stole a firetruck to have a hookup.
The app loads quick enough and he’s setting his preferences. Male. 27. Looking for ages between 22 and 35. Interested in…
He hesitates when he knows he shouldn’t. He knows what he needs to put there. ‘Interested in women.’ But it’s not really what he wants to put there.
He clenches his hand around his phone, almost breaking the glass. Why is it so hard? Why did it have to get so hard? Why is he hesitating? Why is it happening now, this panicking, this crisis, even though he thinks there isn’t one? When he did the hooking up, it was all straightforward. Now, not so much. Is it because he doesn’t really have a healthy example of love? All he wants is someone to love and someone who loves him back just as much. As corny and cheesy as it is.
He keeps eyeing the ‘Interested in men’ option for whatever reason. After tonight, after what Josh said about Maddie setting them up, he toys with that idea. Maybe he could give it a go, dip his toes in the water, see if he likes it. Or maybe he should ask Maddie to set him up with Josh. Would be better than with a stranger, Buck reckons; if it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t work out, they’d be just two friends grabbing a drink. But it quickly lands in the bin, not because Josh is a guy but because… He’s not the guy.
That part of the thought train shocks Buck. He’s sure it’s about the crash into a wall, but he keeps on thinking. The guy. Who the hell that could be?
He closes the app and sets his phone on the bedside table determined to get some sleep which doesn’t come, of course. There are too many thoughts in his head, and they don’t make sense. He just wants someone to tell him what to do, how to figure it out. Or if they can’t do that, he wants someone to get him some tamales. Exactly the way Eddie makes it.
There it is once again, that fluttering feeling in his chest. Buck feels his cheeks heating up as he begins to put together the pieces of a very confusing puzzle.
He gets his phone again, hesitating for a second. Should he call Maddie? Buck knows she’d say ‘go for it’. Hen would talk him through it and probably send him to bed, saying he has time to figure it out. Chim would laugh at him. And the person he wants to talk to most is… Well, he’s the subject of it.
He’s read many stories on Reddit, people being confused by their feelings, by their sudden sexual awakenings well into their twenties. He’s just never thought he’d be one of them.
So he opens the app and begins to type out a message in the ‘Relationship’ community, hoping strangers will provide some much-needed answers. Or if not an answer, at least some clarity.
I (27M) think I have feelings for my best friend (32M)
The title says it all. This is all a very sudden realisation and I don’t know if I’m overthinking it or what, but suddenly I can’t stop thinking about him… Or maybe not suddenly, I don’t know so here it goes:
He is straight and so am I… I think. It’s very confusing but I get literal heart palpitations when I think about him. All I want to do is make him smile, make his little boy smile. (Mom is not in the picture, I’m not a homewrecker.) I love being around them and I want to spend more time with him.
I know this just sounds like a friend and his son, but I think at some point I started liking him more than just a friend and I’m only just realising now. And I’m only just realising (like in this literal second as I’m typing out this post) that I think I love him. He’s funny, he’s kind, he’s caring and he’s not afraid to tell me if I’m being an idiot. We do stuff with his kid, taking him to the beach, to the park and he once said that he doesn’t trust anyone more than me with his boy.
He always asks me to come over, help him with his son or stuff around the house. I don’t know if he’s just using me but he seems genuinely happy for me to be there. He cooks for me and takes care of me when I’m feeling shit. I just… I want to be around him all the time and sometimes I have a feeling he does too.
Up until now all I wanted to be with women but now (it’s currently 1 am so I’m probably half-delirious) all I want to do is be with him. My sister tried to talk me into using online dating but if I’m being honest, I don’t want to do that. I feel like I found the person I want to be with even if I’m just realising it right this second.
I don’t want to tell him because I’m afraid it’ll ruin our friendship. But I have feelings for him, very intense and it scares me and the only person I’d like to talk to about it is him. We’re both straight and I’m not supposed to have feelings for him, am I? I can’t stop thinking about it and him and I'm certain I’ve fallen in love with him at some point and I just… I want him.
Tl;dr I’m straight (maybe), so is my best friend, we’re both guys and I have feelings for him
Before he can change his mind and delete everything, he hits post. As he does, a text comes through.
Eddie
you up?
It’s stupid, but Buck’s heart beats faster. For a second, he thinks about how fast it all happened. One second, he was downloading Tinder, hoping to find a girl, the next he realised he has very real feelings for Eddie.
Should he just ignore his text and reply to him in the morning, with a clearer head hopefully? He’s tempted, just to try to make it less awkward, but at the same time… It’s Eddie.
Buck
can’t sleep?
Eddie
sorry did I wake you?
Buck
no I was up anyway
He doesn’t add why, no matter how much he wants to. While he waits for Eddie’s reply, he checks Reddit, already seeing two comments on his post. One is saying ‘Fake’ so he downvotes that, but the other one is a piece of actual advice. The stranger tells him to sleep on it and think about it over some coffee.
Eddie
cool
Buck
you ok bud?
There’s one more comment which Buck reads as he waits for Eddie’s reply: ‘if you’re certain this isn’t just some late-night overthinking, just tell him, dude. Chances are he’s feeling the same.’
But what if this person is wrong? What if Buck’s wrong, too and he’s just being an idiot? What if there isn’t anything there and he’s messing it all up? He can’t lose Eddie as a friend, even if that means having to get over this thing in his head. And heart.
Eddie
can you let me in? i’m worried people are gonna think i’m about to rob this place
Buck
???
Buck
you outside??
Eddie
yeah
Buck gets out of bed, walks downstairs, flicking a light on and buzzes Eddie in. What is he doing there so late? What is so urgent that it can’t wait until tomorrow? And why the hell is Buck feeling so anxious?
There’s a soft knock on his door. Buck opens and sees Eddie and his heart beats faster and he realises that amidst all the shock, he forgot to put on clothes so he’s stood in front of Eddie in nothing but a pair of black boxers.
“Jesucristo, ayúdame,” Eddie mumbles as he closes the door behind him.
Even though it’s been years since his summer in South America, he still remembers bits of Spanish so he understood when Eddie said ‘Jesus Christ, help me.’
Buck’s suddenly very aware of his nakedness so he grabs the throw that Maddie got him off the couch and wraps it around his body. Not exactly picture perfect.
“What… what are you doing here? Is everything okay? Is Chris okay?”
“Yeah, no, he’s fine, he’s with Tia Pepa. I just…” He sighs. “I just wanted to talk to you.”
Buck blinks rapidly. He keeps telling his heart to quieten but he’s certain that Eddie can hear it.
“Oh,” is all he says.
“No, you know what? I said to Chris I would keep lying to a minimum and that includes you. I wanted to see you.”
“Oh.”
Eddie starts walking up and down in front of Buck who is standing frozen. He wants to move. He wants to reach out to Eddie and pull him back but he also realises he needs to give him space to come to terms with whatever he’s going on.
“It’s stupid. I know it’s stupid. But I can’t stop thinking about… you.” When he says that last word, he looks at Buck. “I know I shouldn’t be thinking about you this way, but I saw how you are with Chris, how much you love him, how caring you are. I heard you and Maddie the other day and you said you’re not really a guest in my house and you’re not because you’re you, Buck and you’re… good to me and good to Chris and I just…”
“I think I’m in love with you,” Buck blurts out, even though he regrets it the moment it’s out.
He’s stupid and he’s not thinking clearly. He definitely hasn’t processed things, instead, as usual, he jumped straight into it. He should’ve taken the time and figure out if he really has feelings for Eddie. And he’s probably messed up a good friendship.
Their relationship started out rocky. Buck, even though he said he wasn’t, he felt some jealousy towards Eddie. He is hot and he’s a great firefighter, so Buck felt ever so slightly threatened by his presence. But then he realised what a nice person he is and… Well, it ended up here, Buck awkwardly and very inappropriately confessing his love towards him.
“Oh,” Eddie says this time.
“Sorry, I… I should go before I say something else, something much worse.”
“This is your place, Buck,” Eddie reminds him, trying not to laugh.
“Right, yeah. Anyway, I didn’t… I didn’t say anything, just forget about it? I’m tired and sleep-deprived and…”
“Is this how it’s going to be?”
Buck looks at Eddie’s amused face. “What do you mean?”
Eddie takes a couple of steps closer, then smiles. He lowers his voice as he says. “Are you gonna spend our whole relationship talking and never letting me say a word?”
“Wh…”
“Between you and Chris, I won’t be able to get a sentence in, will I?”
Buck is… lost for words. He’s usually a chatterbox, like Eddie just said, but he doesn’t know what to say. There’s a lot of things going on and he’s certain he’s just dreaming.
“What is going on?”
Eddie sighs. “A lot, honestly. I don’t… I know it’s fast and whatever, but I’ve been at this for like two weeks now, since that gathering at my house. I think I’ve been slowly realising that what we’ve got is basically a relationship just without any kind of physicality. And then I realised that’s what I want and it’s you who I want. I want to be able to touch you, to hold your hand, to kiss you and I knew I needed to see you. I couldn’t sleep and I came here to talk to you except you…”
“Boosted this thing into the sky?”
“Pretty much.” Eddie reaches for Buck’s hand, intertwining their fingers. Buck likes how it feels, warm and big and it grounds him. “I think I’m in love with you too, Evan Buckley.”
“Fuck.”
“Yeah.”
They’re standing there in silence, both afraid to move, afraid to speak. There’s a lot Buck wants to say, however. He wants to tell Eddie how sorry he is for ruining his moment, how afraid he is because this is uncharted water for the both of them, how scared he is that if this doesn’t work out, it’ll ruin his relationship with Chris and that would kill him. He also wants to tell him how much he wants to kiss him, how much he wants to hold him, how much he wants him in his godforsaken bed.
But instead, what he says is, “So, what now?”
“Now… Now, I’m going to go home and we’re going to think about tonight and we’ll talk about it tomorrow, after work. This all happened so quickly we both need to have a think.”
Buck tuts. “Mm, not good enough.”
“Oh? What exactly do you have in mind?”
“You can stay and we can carpool in the morning. Save the environment and whatnot.”
“Except I don’t have my stuff.”
“Except I’ve got plenty of spare.”
Eddie rolls his eyes. “You’re a menace.”
“But you love me?”
“Goddamn it, I walked into it, didn’t I?” He grabs either side of the throw Buck has around him and pulls him close. “Well, apparently I do, so…”
Eddie pulls him in for a kiss that’s good and perfect and something they needed. As Eddie puts his hand on the back of Buck’s neck, Buck realises how much tension there’s been between them. But now that it’s all resolved, now that he’s finally kissing Eddie fucking Diaz, he can finally begin to appreciate it all.
They’re only 20 minutes late in the morning. Not because anything happened (other than making out), but because Buck kept snoozing his alarm. He was just way too cosy next to Eddie and in all fairness, Eddie kept pulling him back, too.
So they’re late and Cap gives them a lesson, especially Buck because Eddie is apparently the golden child and he can do no wrong, but Buck knows he isn’t really in trouble, either.
Then, as they make their way to the changing room, they’re greeted by the Interrogation Squad, aka Chim and Hen.
“Say, Henrietta, they look too upbeat.”
“Mm, you’re right Howard, they do.”
Buck rolls his eyes as Eddie next to him sighs.
“Can we go, please?” Buck says. They haven’t really talked about what it is or what they’d tell the others, but Buck guesses they would both prefer to keep this low key. “Yes, we’re late, yes, we’re sorry, now can we get changed please?”
“Edmundo, why don’t you have your gear?” Chim asks.
“Ay, dios mío. I left it at home.”
“Hm, alright, I’ll bite.” Hen nods. “You carpooled then? Let me guess, car broke down too?”
“Yup,” Eddie says, giving Buck a look from the corners of his eyes.
“Is that why you were late, Buck? You had to go and pick him up?”
“Uh… yeah. He called and I went. End of story.”
Chim and Hen eye them for a few very long seconds, then Hen says, with a grin “Pay up, Howie, I called it.”
“Damnit, Hen, I’m losing all my money to you.”
“Wha-what’s going on?” Buck furrows his brows.
“We made a bet on your second day, Eddie,” she explains. “That you two would end up together. Chim said no. Guess who just got 100 bucks.”
Both Buck and Eddie gasp, completely shocked, however they both know there’s no reason to deny any of it.
“How dare you make money out of our love?” Buck, no matter how shocked he is, he finds it funny because this is right up his alley and he would’ve done this. too.
“Oh, so is it love now?”
“Let me guess,” Eddie adds, “it’s another 50 bucks.”
“That’s outrageous.” Chim bats Eddie’s cheek as he walks past him. “That’s only 25.”
Hen and Chim leave them, laughing as Hen talks about what she’s going to do with the money. Buck and Eddie walk into the changing room, going straight to their lockers to get changed.
“You okay?” Buck asks quietly. “I mean with the whole… Them knowing about us? I’m not sure if we know about us, if you know what I mean.”
“We’re good,” Eddie promises with a smile. “I want us to have a go. I mean I know there’s stuff to talk about and stuff we need to think about, but I meant what I said last night, Buck. I’m in if you are.”
Eddie extends his hand which Buck promptly takes. He gives him a squeeze and says, “I’m in.”
Buck never had a good example. He’s seen loves that burst up in flames and die out, but he's certain this isn’t one of those. Is it fast? Yes. Is it unbelievable? Yes. Is it real? Yes. He wants it so much, to make this thing work. When they’re working, they’ve got this connection that allows them to read each other’s minds basically. So he’s in, all in, for Eddie, for Chris and for this relationship.