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Chuuya makes him feel, in full and uncalculated. Chuuya pisses him off. He makes him frown and scowl and grimace, makes him curse and yell and scream; he makes him smile and grin and laugh unrestrained and without thought to the consequences.
All without meaning to. It is his charm, Dazai thinks.
(Mori makes faint licks of disgust flicker in his gut, Odasaku had made him just a little bit happy, and the Agency, in its highs, causes curls of something not unlike amusement and maybe even joy, but they did not, could not, compare.)
It had annoyed him at first. Who was Chuuya, to make him feel all these painful things? Who was he to just storm into Dazai’s life and turn it upside down so easily?
It took a year or two, but Dazai grew used to it; accustomed to all the feelings Chuuya inflicted upon him like no other did.
So he hadn’t been prepared for the lack of feeling when he left the Mafia,
(Permanently, a little voice whispers in his treacherous mind, he’s gone forever, forever and ever and ever and ever and ever...)
-so accustomed as he was.
It… hurts.
(Another feeling that no one else, not even Mori in his very best worst moments, has made Dazai feel before.)
And so Dazai thinks that Mori might get his wish one day, but it won’t be because of anything he does. No, if Mori ever gets his wish, it will be Chuuya that taunts and teases him back.