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“Cas, is there really a God?”
Castiel would like to think he’s far too old to be surprised anymore, and yet Dean’s question startles him so much that he drops the very large armful of lumber he was about to carry into the house.
“Excuse me?”
Dean is relaxing on the steps leading to the porch, feeding dried cranberries to his favorite raccoon. She’s an odd little thing, albino, oddly domestic for a wild animal. Dean thinks she hangs around the house so much because she’s a lazy scavenger, but Castiel knows it’s because her cream and white fur makes her attractive prey for larger animals. Dean calls her Squirt, and thinks she’s a boy. Castiel’s been meaning to correct him on that. He will, the next time it comes up.
“Well you’ve mentioned God a few times and all… God’s Kingdom, God’s design of angels, but it all sounds so vague and theoretical. I guess I was wondering if God is a singular, sentient entity, or if God exists in that ‘God is all around us’ way.”
Sometimes Castiel forgets that his rather vast knowledge is not shared by Dean, whose bright and tattered soul still has so much to learn.
“Are you sure you want me to answer this?” Castiel says carefully. It is not his wish to burden his mate with any sort of existential crisis.
“Why wouldn’t I want the answer?” Dean has run out of the dried cranberries, and now Squirt is crawling all over him, nose poking in his shirt pockets.
Castiel nudges his pile of lumber to the side with one foot and sits next to Dean on the steps. “Humans who gain true cosmic knowledge often find it burdensome.”
Dean seems to truly consider that for a moment, staring off into space with those beautiful green eyes. Castiel’s recently acquired favorite color. “Well, I already know lots of scary, upsetting shit. Been a hunter all my life, killed a demon when I was a kid, got mated to the hottest angel in the universe, met the actual fucking Devil in Hell. That’s all pretty cosmic, ain’t it?”
Castiel smiles. His human truly is a resilient one. “That’s fair. Well, there was a creator, whom we called God, that set our Heavens, Hell, and the Earth into motion long before I came into being. Only the first angels met that creator, and none have seen the creator in millions of years.”
“So where is he?”
“If we’re being technical, I wouldn’t really call God a he. They never had a gendered body, for they existed long before gender.”
Dean’s eyebrows knit together and he forces Squirt off his lap. Squirt makes a chirp of derision and starts sniffing around the porch for more food. “When you say they… ”
“I mean the singular use of the term. Most angels got used to the masculine term after the humans created their languages and religions, but it’s more colloquial than actual.”
“So… I should refer to God as they and not he?”
Castiel smiles. “It truly does not matter. I just thought I’d share the interesting ah… behind the scenes information,” he says.
“Okay, so where is they?” Dean pauses and shakes his head. “Where are they? Where is he? Fuck damn it, I hate this.”
“‘He’ is a fine term, Dean, don’t worry. He is gone.”
“Dead?”
“Doubtful, but no one knows. God simply… faded. Perhaps creation is tiresome work and God is taking a nap for the next trillion years or so.”
“So… the only reason you know God is real is… the other angels say he is?”
Castiel nods. “Yes.”
“Isn’t that… exactly how human religion functions?”
“Angels are very religious creatures.”
Dean looks… affronted. Or angry. Or disappointed. It will take Castiel eons to correctly match Dean’s expressions to their corresponding moods. “That’s…” Dean bursts into a fit of laughter that scares Squirt away from the porch and through the open door to their home.
It’s… unnerving, really. “Are you alright, Dean?” Castiel says, unsure if he should reach out and comfort him.
“I think that’s fucking hysterical,” Dean says after he forces himself to stop laughing. “The answer to one of life’s greatest questions truly is not out there. At all. For anyone but some angels. Maybe .”
“That is accurate.”
“Okay, I can see why people who find that upsetting, uh… cosmic knowledge. ”
“Do you?”
“Nah. I mean I’m a little let down, I guess. But it’s more like eating a sandwich that wasn’t as good as I built it up in my mind to be, not like my sanity is going to crumble into dust.”
Castiel often doesn’t understand Dean’s analogies, and this is no exception. The mysteries of the universe are nothing like eating a sandwich.
“Wait, what about all the other gods? Your uncle is like… dating one.”
“The other gods are different. They were created by you. By centuries of faith and worship and devotion. And not all of them actually came into being, the way Kali did.”
“So some of the gods from lore became reality, and some didn’t?”
“Yes. For example, there is no… Flying Spaghetti Monster.”
“Oh come on, no one thinks the spaghetti monster is real. Wait. Wait. If we actually believed in and worshipped the spaghetti monster, would it become real?”
“That is very unlikely. Humans have changed. There are no new gods, only the old ones. I suppose if centuries ago humans truly believed in such a being, that being might have become reality.”
Dean smirks, turning his head to look up at the sky. “Damn, we really blew it. So the almighty creator is different from the Christian God?”
“Very different. The Abrahamic God calls himself Chuck, and he is one of the most unstable, conceited, impetuous creatures out there.” A thought dawns on Castiel. “Is that who you were asking about when you asked if there was really a God?”
Dean’s face scrunches up. “Uh, yes, I thought that was obvious!”
“I apologize, Dean, there are many disconnects between human religion and angel religion.”
“Okay so this… Chuck, he’s not the creator.”
“No.”
“He’s another God created by human faith?”
“Yes.”
“Okay, well what does he do?”
“Do ?”
“Yeah, like Zeus has thunder and lightning, Kali has destruction, what does this Chuck have?”
“Oh. Chuck is a storyteller.”
“Like a muse?”
“Not remotely.”
Dean’s eyes cloud over and Castiel knows he’s losing interest, which is astounding, given what they’re talking about. “Does he rule heaven?”
“No. He would be bad at it. He is deeply flawed and has only become more so as human faith continues to evolve and outpace him.”
“Wow, that’s…” Dean’s body sinks onto the stairs, practically melting into a position that cannot possibly be comfortable for a human. “That’s crazy. But also… not. Like it’s also incredibly boring. I expected your cosmic knowledge to be Earth shattering, Cas.”
Castiel’s a little offended, now. “I think the power of faith creating pantheons of mighty deities just as powerful as our original creator is quite interesting, thank you.”
Squirt comes bounding out of the house, front paws a soft, muted green. Oh merciful creator, she’s gotten into the paint.
“Fine, I guess I just expected more meaning or structure or something.”
Squirt jumps into Castiel’s lap, getting little green footprints all over his cream-colored cassock. He should have worn some of Dean’s clothes today. Castiel nudges Squirt until she jumps out of his lap and skitters over to a nearby cluster of tulips.
“I don’t know if this will comfort you the way it does me, Dean, but meaning… meaning is overrated. Waiting for answers I will never receive, that’s not appealing. What I can see and feel in the Heavens and here with you, that matters far more to me than wondering which religion got it right, whether humans and angels have the right concept of a creator.”
Dean’s reaches between them with one hand and nudges one pinky against Castiel’s, before lacing their fingers together. “I can’t argue with that.”
Castiel’s grace hums with joy. The only meaning he needs is this hand holding his, the smell of the forest around them, the nest they’re creating together, the comfortable silence settling around them.
“So, one time I read about a supposed Roman goddess of sewers,” Dean says suddenly, “Cloacina I think. Does she really exist?”
Castiel shoots a glare at Dean before pulling his hand away and getting to his feet. “Get up, we have flooring to repair.”
“Come on, Cas, I’m just asking!” Dean whines. “Is she real or not?!”
“Cas?”
“Come on, Cas just nod or shake your head!”
“Caaaaaaaaas!”
Humans.