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“How long did itー” Sam does his best to swallow down the cough that wants to come bursting out his throat and ignores the look he gets from Steve “ーtake to do this?”
“This?” Steve raises an eyebrow and Sam thinks, like he has at least a hundred times in the past year, that along with being stripped of his strength and healing abilities, Steve had been stripped of the ounce of patience the serum had given him. “Chicken noodle soup? A grand total of 15 minutes. God knows I probably woulda had the time to cure cancer or something if I wasn’t busy taking care of you, though.”
Sam sighs. “You know it hurts to roll my eyes when I’m like this, baby.”
“Don’t be silly and I won’t have to say anything silly in return, then.” Steve sets the tray down on their nightstand as Sam painfully sits up, which is when Sam notices the steaming mug of mint tea.
Sam frowns. It’s the fancy loose leaf tea Bruce had gotten them hooked on. They ran out last week, though, and neither of them had had the time to go all the way down to Brooklyn to get it.
“Is thatー”
“I went down to get some while you were sleeping. It’s not a big deal, Sam.”
“Not a bigーseriously?” Sam vaguely gestures towards their bedroom window, where raindrops are heavily falling. Any other day, the rhythmic pitter patter would be comforting, but just about everything Sam enjoys in life has been getting on his nerves for the past three days.
Steve purses his lips in the way he does when he’s holding back a sighーlooks like that expression hasn’t changed one bitーand blows over the soup bowl, like Sam’s a toddler and doesn’t know how to do it himself.
“We’re not having this conversation now.”
“What conversation?” Sam’s lost, and it doesn’t help that his head feels as heavy as the shield.
“The one I wanted us to have before you decided to catch a cold and be miserable for a week.”
“Well since I’m stuck here wasting away,” Sam says, clearing his throat best as he can, “maybe we could have it now.”
Steve shakes his head. “Eat your soup, sweetheart.”
This, more than anything, makes Sam worry. Steve isn’t one for delaying disagreements: he jumps into them head first, like he does everything else. It’d taken them a few months at the beginning of their relationship to figure out when they should figure something out then and there, and when it was best to walk away. But Steve leaves the room as soon as Sam starts eating, so he can’t ask what exactly is going on.
The soup is delicious. It’s some kind of combination of the way his mother makes it and the way Steve’s mother made it back in the day. So is the teaー it has a touch of lavender honey, just the way Sam likes it. As soothing as they are to his throat and to his stuffed nose, Sam feels uncomfortable and unsettled. He listens to Steve putter around their apartment, washing dishes and putting them away, and the feeling only gets worse, hanging heavy at the bottom of his stomach.
When Steve comes back to pick up Sam’s bowl and mug and leaves again, Sam decides he doesn’t wanna wait anymore.
“Steve?” Sam calls, trying his best to pitch his voice so Steve can hear him in the kitchen.
“Yeah?”
“Come back here when you’re done? Please?”
A beat of silence. “Sure, I’ll be right there.”
Sam barely has the time to lay back down before Steve comes back, leaning against the doorframe with a frown.
“You okay?”
“Yeah, yeah, justーlay down with me?”
Somehow that makes Steve frown further, but he complies and lies down next to Sam, laying a hand on Sam’s stomach and the other over Sam’s head, rubbing slow circles at his temples.
It’s one of the few things that has stayed the same after Steve had lost the serum. His body feels different around Sam’s, but the way they fit together hasn’t changed at all. Steve is warm all over and Sam feels safe in his arms, especially since Steve always has a hand stroking a part of Sam’s body. It’s like even when Steve’s relaxing, even when he’s asleep, he’s taking care of Sam.
All the more reason to get to the root of this.
“What conversation?” Sam asks quietly.
He feels more than hears Steve’s sigh. “Now?”
Sam nods. “Now.”
“The conversation about how you haven’t let me take proper care of you since we’ve been back from Tony’s funeral.”
“I haven’t?” Sam turns so he’s facing Steve, and Steve’s hands slowly drift to his lower back. “I know I can...I know I don’t always let myself be vulnerable with the people I love,” Sam says hesitantly, because he’d only just been able to say that out loud to his therapist.
“Well,” Steve says with a small smile, “self-awareness is key.”
“Oh, let’s not go down that track, Steven. There aren’t enough sayings about pots and kettles and glass houses.”
Steve’s smile widens. “I know. Two peas in a self-sacrificial pod.” It’s what Natasha had said to them right before they left Scotland for Wakanda. “I don’t...I don’t want to think it’s because of my size,” Steve continues, and Sam hates the downturn of his mouth, “but it’s what it feels like. You let us carry things together before. Said it’s what made us a good team. But lately...lately you’re constantly looking back at me the few times I’m in the field with you. You second guess Bucky’s plans when they involve having me do something other than stand back. Hell, I have to fight to let you let me make you soup when you’re sick.”
Sam opens his mouth then closes it again. Steve...Steve’s not wrong. Sam hadn’t noticed because there were so many other things he had to watch out for. He probably would’ve been able to catch himselfーor at least catch Steve being upsetーunder any other circumstances. But with a new team, a new title and new responsibilities, not to mention half the world coming back to life, well…
“Shit. You’re right, baby. I’m sorry.”
“I just...I want us to feel like a team again.”
Sam nods. “I want that too.” He leans in to kiss Steve when something else comes to mind.
“Being a team involves kissing me,” Steve murmurs when Sam stops a breath short of his lips.
“Being a team involves you being patient,” Sam says, then kisses Steve anyway because he might be sick, but he’s not foolish. “It’s just...I was thinking…”
“Hmm?”
“It’s not just you.”
Steve smiles and moves one of his hands to Sam’s jaw. “You haven’t let yourself be vulnerable with the other serum-stripped supersoldiers you’re living with?”
Sam smiles back and kisses Steve’s palm before answering. “Noーno, it...it’s everything. Everything feels more fragile these days. Nat can be taken away, and if halfーif half the world, whether they’re enhanced or not, can just be snapped away...there’s not much I can do about that, is there?”
“There wasn’t before either,” Steve points out, not unkindly.
“Well...no, but before, Iー”
“Before you weren’t Captain America?”
Sam shrugs. He knows, now that Steve’s said it, that that’s exactly what it is. Doesn’t make it any easier to say out loud, though.
Steve gently tilts Sam’s face down so they’re eye to eye. The weather has tinted their bedroom grey, and though Steve’s bright blues are dimmer in this light, Sam can clearly see the sadness and understanding in his gaze.
“I get it, okay? It took me years to understand this, sweetheart, and I’m still not sure I actually did. Trying to be invincible isn’t going to make losing any easier. It’s not going to make the burden feel any less heavy. Neither is not letting me help you carry it. Or just letting me help you.”
Sam nods, and when Steve leans in and kisses each eyelid, the awful feeling at the pit of his stomach finally disappears.
Six years. Six years and a soul stone later, Steve makes him feel treasured and cherished and loved just from a kiss.
“I love you,” Sam says, laying a hand on Steve’s cheek.
Steve kisses his nose, then his lips. “I know. I know, and I love you too.”
Sam knows they’re going to have to talk about this more, but they’ll save it for when he’s back to firing at all cylinders. Sam focuses on the patterns Steve is tracing on his skin, and soon enough, he’s being gently lulled into sleep by the steady beat of Steve’s heart.
The rain outside is as heavy and as annoying as it was earlier, but as Sam’s eyes flutter shut, he realizes that he has no real reason to worry.
The truth of the matter is that storms have come and gone, and there hasn’t been a single one he hasn’t been able to weather through with Steve by his side.